Procrastination

Procrastination

Chapter 4—I Want to Believe

The sounds of a clock ticking, the clopping of hooves on hard floor, voices garbled by a thin wall, soft beeping of some kind of…machine, the incessant buzzing of fluorescent lights, and the vents blowing air, all tapped on Caramel’s ears, causing them to twitch in every direction. He only now realized the smell of cleaning fluid, alcohol, and cheap detergent.

He stretched his arms and legs out, bending his tan body backwards. He held his breath as every muscle was pulled taut, and then released his breath as they all relaxed. He rubbed his eyes, and sighed in relaxation, keeping them closed. It’s so loud in here! Is there a construction zone outside my house? Ugh…

Suddenly, everything came back to him—seeing Macintosh with Thunderlane, the crying, the cutting, and then…nothing else. In a panic, he sat up and opened his eyes to see a room he didn’t recognize. The floors were made of white and gray linoleum, and the walls were painted light blue. It was brightly lit by the buzzing lights. His bed was made of dense plastic, and his sheets were scratchy and white. He gasped when he saw the machines next to him. In a flurry, he took off the electrodes on his chest and head, but didn’t have the courage to remove the intravenous needle in his right foreleg. His left foreleg was wrapped up with white gauze. He turned his head left and saw a red stallion sleeping on a black corduroy-lined couch that was clearly too small for him.

I…I’m in the hospital? Why am I here…? Why is…WHY IS HE HERE?! Tears silently dripped from his eyes. Did I…did I cut too far? Oh… He looked over at Macintosh, who was still sleeping. He…He stayed here for me? His heart began to rebuild itself from shattered fragments. Hope seeped into his chest. He’s here for me…

Right then, he remembered why he was crying in the first place. Oh…Forget it. He doesn’t love me anymore. What I had before…it’s gone. It’s all gone. Mac doesn’t love me anymore, and I can never get him back. I’d be kidding myself if I thought I could somehow have him again. Construction fell apart, and his heart exploded again. He let out a whimper, and fought the urge to cry harder.

Hearing the sounds of sadness, Macintosh groaned and stretched. He yawned, rubbed his eyes, and then opened them slowly, adjusting to the brightness in the room. His eyes flitted every which way like a fish freshly caught on the line. They settled on the colt in the wheeled bed who was sitting up, but slumped over and sniffling.

“C—Caramel?”

“M—Mac…” he stuttered, turning left toward the sound of what used to be his love. The fur on his muzzle was unkempt, and his mane stuck out in all directions. His normally bright red coat seemed duller, and his usual calm eyes were glazed with relief.

Macintosh scrambled to his hooves from the couch—with difficulty, due to his size—and ran the three steps to Caramel’s bedside. “Y’all are okay…”

Caramel said nothing. He didn’t trust himself to open his mouth without breaking down. Don’t pretend you care.

Macintosh continued, “Do ya…do ya want anythin’? I’ll get ya somethin’ if ya want…Do ya want some water? Are ya hungry?”

Caramel let out a small whine.

“Caramel…” the stallion cooed, putting a red hoof on his brown hair.

The tan colt closed his eyes, letting out more tears as he pushed the hoof off him and turned away. “Go away,” he whispered.

“Wh—what…?”

“Go away!” he said louder, “Please just go…It hurts…”

“C—Caramel…Why…”

“I…I saw you with Thunderlane yesterday…”

“You did? Ah thought you’d be happy, Caramel.”

“Happy?” he whispered. “Happy…” He suddenly shouted, “Why would I be happy that you found a better colt?!” He lay back and sobbed, pulling the rough blankets over his head so he wouldn’t have to look at the stallion who abandoned him. He rolled over onto his front, letting his muzzle sink into the down pillows.

“Ah was with Thunderlane to get some advice!” he said indignantly.

Caramel shook his head violently under the sheets, trying to drown out the sounds.

“Ah saw how bothered you were at the party, that we hadn’t done anythin’ yet…So Ah went to get some tips from him…He was my bunkmate in the service a couple of years back. He couldn’t replace ya…”

“I saw you do…everything,” Caramel choked out. He gripped the sheets tighter.

“Ah was just practicin’! Ah was just tryin’ it out to see the best way to do it with you, Caramel…” He sniffed.

“No…” Caramel whimpered, “I can’t…” I can’t believe him…If I believe him, it’ll just hurt more later…

“It’s true…Ah wouldn’t touch any other colt besides you…Ah only love you, Caramel…”

He remained silent. Please go…

“When Ah got back from the bar, Ah wanted to check up on ya and apologize that Ah couldn’t go with ya to the movies…If Ah hadn’t…Ah wouldn’t have found you…and…”

There was a pause, and Caramel could hear some sniffles. I’ve never heard Mac cry before…but it’s too late…He doesn’t love me anymore…

Macintosh continued, “Ah’d never been so scared…Just seein’ ya there…” His words became more fragmented, and the register of his voice fluctuated. “Y’all weren’t movin’…and there was so much blood everywhere…and Ah tried to wake you up…but ya’ll didn’t say anythin’…Oh Caramel, Ah was so afraid that Ah’d lose ya…Ah wrapped up your foreleg in a towel, and then Ah called the hospital…They took ya away on a stretcher, and they brought you here, and Ah ran here as fast as Ah could…”

Does he still love me…? Maybe he does… A glimmer of hope appeared in front of him—a flicker of light in the darkness that surrounded him. But…he’s with Thunderlane…I can’t believe him…I just can’t…I’ll get hurt again, and this time it’ll be so much worse… The shimmering star of hope withered away, and once again he was bathed in nothing but dark—the dark that he had been in for days.

“The doctor said that ya lost a lot of blood, and that y’all wouldn’t wake up for a long time…Ah didn’t want to leave you…Ah couldn’t…Caramel…Ah love you so much…Why did you tell me to go away…?”

“Because…Because…Because I don’t believe you!” he sobbed. “You don’t love me anymore!” he wailed. “You only love Thunderlane!”

“Why won’t ya believe me…?”

“If I believe you, and then it’ll hurt so much when I find out you’re with Thunderlane again…”

“Ah only love you…”

“Please just go…Please…It hurts too much…” Please…Enjoy your life with him. No, really…I want you to…

“Caramel…” Macintosh said softly, putting a hoof on the blankets over the colt’s head.

“I said go!” Caramel shouted, pulling the sheets off to reveal his face matted with tears. He reluctantly looked at his ex-lover. Macintosh’s eyes were red as his fur, and glistening with his own tears. They were filled with exasperation and desperation. He was no longer standing on all four legs, but sitting on his haunches. His head hung with disappointment.

“If y’all want me to go, Ah’ll go…but Ah’ll be back…Ah ain’t losin’ ya, Caramel…Ah ain’t losin’ ya ever again…And y’all can do whatever ya want, but Ah aint’ losin’ ya again.” Macintosh slowly stood up and walked away from the bed toward the corner of the room. He opened the door and left, leaving a broken-hearted colt to cry alone.