Procrastination

Procrastination

Chapter 5—Better Than Phoenix Wright

It’s funny how things happen…in a sick, twisted, cruel way… I had Mac almost a whole year, and I was so happy then. Haha…so funny…heh…It’s too late now…I’ve lost him, and I can never get him back. Hah… Caramel’s eyes were sensitive due to his constantly rubbing them, and his throat hurt from all his crying, but the tears had finally died down. Time had passed, and his shock and sadness had gone away and were replaced by a cynical depression. Now, instead of being in a perpetual state of shattering, his heart had been replaced by a hole—a void that could never be filled.

I’m going to go home and kill myself. It’s not worth the pain. I’m going to do it. I really am. I’ll just take a knife and cut again until it stops hurting.

Everything poured on his mind like water until he struggled to breathe. The waves crashed over his head, each one drowning him further in his sorrows, unrelenting in force and frequency. There was no desire to swim—to save himself. His hooves dangled limply in the water as more frothy waves swirled above him. He could see the light above the water, but he made no attempt to reach it. Instead, his body hung in the water, motionless. Let me die here.

Suddenly, the door in the corner opened. Caramel sat up in bed to see the pony whom he hated more than anypony else in the world: Thunderlane. His fur was grayer than the gloomiest forest. His eyes, the color of death itself; his mane, the shape of the gates of the underworld.

“Caramel, you silly pony,” he said with a disappointed tone. He walked to the foot of the bed.

The tan colt bit his pillow and ground his teeth against the fabric, hearing the scraping vibrations travel up through his jawbone. He narrowed his eyes and shot a glare of pure venom. Tugging on the pillow with his hooves, he tried to rip it in half to demonstrate his might and to intimidate the gray pegasus. Instead, it slipped from his teeth and landed between his hind-legs with a wet slop. He massaged his jaw. “What the hell do you want,” he stated flatly. Come a little closer so I can kick you in your smug muzzle.

“That’s not the way to treat somepony who’s trying to explain that he never stole your coltfriend from you.”

Caramel scoffed. “Don’t you dare try and ride this off as some ‘misunderstanding.’” He narrowed his eyes and swished his hooves in air-quotes. “Mac never loved me, so you can just go home.” Saying those words with conviction only strengthened his sadness.

“Y—You’re kidding, right? You know Big Macintosh pretty much lives for you, right? You wanna know why he goes to the Colt Club? He asks other coltcuddlers how to make love to somepony. He has no idea, the poor stallion.”

“Obviously to do it with you. So go on. Go screw him until you both die.” Caramel looked away so Thunderlane wouldn’t see him start to cry.

“Caramel…he’s really faithful to you, okay? He only loves you…Why won’t you believe me?!” His voice became more and more impatient.

“Because then it’ll hurt more!” he shouted, tears running down both sides of his tan face. He turned to look Thunderlane straight in the eyes. “Because he’ll abandon me again, and then…by then, I’ll really kill myself!” He held his bandaged foreleg.

He sighed. “Caramel,” he said, “I promised Macintosh that I wouldn’t leave you alone until you believe me that we weren’t doing anything. He wanted to practice what he’d learned, but we didn’t really do much. Both of us felt weird just touching each others’ bellies when we already had coltfriends and fillyfriends.

“Listen. I know I was really horrible to you when Rose set us up for a date, and I’m sorry. If you hate me forever, then I can’t help that. I sort of deserve it. I was a jerk to you, and I treated you really badly, so you know what, Caramel? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you, but please, for the love of Celestia, believe me when I say that Macintosh and I are loyal to the ponies we love, and we would never try to do anything them, including our friends and our families.”

“It hurts too much now…and if it happens again…I don’t know what…” Caramel said softly, but his words died off near the end.

Thunderlane sighed again. “Okay…please don’t kill me, Macintosh…I didn’t want to have to use this…but I swear, I’m just trying to make things right.” He walked to the bedside after turning his head around to make sure the door was closed. “Okay…do you remember last Wednesday? Did you notice that Macintosh walked really funny and was sort of irritable?”

Caramel nodded.

“Well…he was hung over. We went drinking the night before—not at the Colt Club, by the way—and he got sooo hammered…He said he’d kill me if I told you…”

“See, he just keeps secrets from me. He never loved me…”

“No, listen. He didn’t want you to know that he drinks. The one thing he fears more than anything is that you ‘realize’ that he’s not good enough for you and you leave him for somepony else.”

I’m the one who’s not good enough for him…

“So anyways…he was totally drunk, and this low-life stallion starts hitting on him. Don’t look at me like that, Caramel. I would never hit on somepony who wasn’t thinking straight. Anyways, and then Macintosh goes crazy. He hits the pony in the face, and then shouts, ‘Ah got a coltfriend!’ And then we almost got kicked out, but the bartender actually didn’t like that stallion anyway, so she let us stay. And then Macintosh spends the rest of the time there crying and begging you for forgiveness.”

He…he cried over me? He hit somepony for me? That’s sort of morbid, but…that’s so sweet…Maybe…maybe he does love me…? No…no…don’t be stupid. Don’t fall for it. It’ll just hurt more later.

“Why should I believe you?”

“Because being the amazing lawyer-pony that I am, I brought a witness.” Thunderlane walked to the door and opened it, calling in a creamy-orange unicorn.

Her hair was spiky and bright green. Some of it stuck up, and other spikes hung down. Her cutie mark was an empty martini glass. When she walked, her forelegs and her hind-legs crossed each other so that it looked like she was in danger of tipping over with every step.

“Caramel, this is Coco Spritz.”

“Hi there,” she said. She spoke with a slight Manehattan accent. “So Thunderlane asks me to tell you what happened last…Tuesday night? Yeah, sounds about right. I don’t know why you want to know, but hey. Ten bits.

“So uh…okay, this stallion. The name’s Rayo. Earth pony who’s a total scumbag. Never pays his tab until I swing a bat over his head. Hits on every mare and stallion in the bar. Anyways. Starts puttin’ his moves on this red one. The red one was all drunk, by the way. So Rayo goes over, tryin’ to get him to go home with him. And the red one just stands up, shouts how he has a fillyfriend, and hits him. Serves him right…

“I have a policy of kickin’ out anypony who starts a fight. But you know what? It’s Rayo. I’m thinkin’ I’ll let it slide. So then the red one starts cryin’. It’s not that uncommon, cause you know…it’s a bar. Colts cry about their fillies a lot. Except this one is devastated, you see? He goes on about how his fillyfriend…name starts with a ‘K.’ Anyways, he starts cryin’ about how he’s too good for her, and how he only loves her. And then…for about an hour, he’s just there cryin’, beggin’ for his filly to forgive him for hittin’ somepony and for drinkin’…yeah…we get a lot of those.

“Is that it? Yeah, I think so. Alright. Need me for anythin’ else? Nope? Alright. I’ll see you sometime, Thunderlane. Thanks for the ten bits,” she said, leaving.

He…he really loves me…? Is it possible…that…he did love me all along? It only happened last week… But…what if it turns out it’s all fake? And then it hurts even more…

“You and Mac really weren’t…doing anything?”

“I swear upon my wings that we weren’t. I’ll admit that what he did was pretty stupid, but he kept insisting because he really wanted to learn how to make you happy.”

He wants me make me happy? Maybe…he still loves me…maybe he still wants to be my coltfriend…I want him to… Oh screw it! I need him to! I want you back! I want you back, Mac!
He gasped. Oh Celestia, I sent him away! How could I be so horrible?! I…I could’ve had him back…

“It’s too late…” Caramel said very brokenly, “I told him to go away and leave me forever…”

Thunderlane scoffed. “Haven’t you been listening this whole time? He’d never leave you just like that, even if you told him to. Speaking of leaving, I have to go clear the sky, or Rainbow Dash is gonna slit my throat. I’m gonna leave you with Macintosh, okay? And uh, by the way, if he ever asks, I didn’t tell you that he drinks, and Coco was visiting somepony else and got lost. Yeah. Have fun with Macintosh.”

“M—Macintosh?”

“Yeah. You didn’t think he actually left, right? He just went and got me and basically asked me to come and ‘make things right.’ Alright. See you sometime. By the way, Twilight misses you and wants you and Macintosh over for tea sometime. And uh…I’m really sorry…It seems like I only hurt you…but I swear I’m a good pony—mostly…Bye!” He left.

Before the door could close fully, a red hoof was inserted between the doorjamb and the slowly closing door. It pushed in and swung to the side, opening the passageway once more. Macintosh entered and cantered to Caramel’s bedside.

“Did…did Thunderlane talk to ya?”

“Yes…” He looked down. I can’t look at him right now…so much…guilt…so much pain…but also…hope…?

“Do ya finally believe me? That Ah love you with all my heart?”

Mac loves me… “…I do…”

“Do ya still love me?”

Caramel finally looked up and saw his coltfriend’s green eyes, iridescent with hope and care. It made sense. It all fit together. Mac didn’t really abandon him at all. He was just caring for him in another way. Everything behind him shrunk down in size, and everything ahead of him grew brighter. A bubble of air hesitated in his throat, until it finally burst out: “Oh Mac!” he cried, wrapping his hooves around the red stallion’s neck, “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry I told you to leave! I’m sorry I cut myself! I’m sorry I made you stay here for so long! I’m sorry for not believing you!” He sobbed into the red fur. Next to him, the IV stand was pulled down by the tube, still connected to Caramel’s arm.

He felt a foreleg around his back, rubbing up and down. “It’s okay. Ah forgive you. Do ya forgive me for goin’ to that bar?”

“I do! Mac? Will you…will you please be my coltfriend again?” he stuttered through his tears.

“Ah never stopped…”

“Oh Mac…” Caramel’s heart entered construction. The miniscule fragments gravitated toward each other, connecting and attaching into larger and larger partitions. These partitions attracted one another, and they, too, stuck together. The void slowly filled with warmth, and he could feel a rising sensation inside him, as if a warm, glowing balloon had inflated within his chest and was carrying him higher into the sky. I…I feel better…I feel…sort of happy…I feel loved. I’ll never do this again. I shouldn’t have cut myself…it was a silly thing to do…I have Mac…Haha…

Caramel’s heart rebuilt itself from the dust, and he felt full again—full of the support and compassion that his coltfriend had given him.

“Ah took a vacation from the farm for awhile. Ah’m not goin’ back until Ah’m sure you’re okay.”

“That’s really sweet, but you know, you don’t have a monopoly on Caramel,” a voice said. It was feminine, and very familiar. Caramel couldn’t see who it was because a red blob blocked his vision.

Hoofsteps gradually increased in volume until the form of Lyra emerged. “Hey there Caramel!”

He quickly let go of Macintosh and inhaled deeply, trying to end the heaves from his crying. He held his breath and wiped his tears—although they were now more due to joy instead of pain. Everything…just…gets better…

“Lyra, did you just interrupt a heartfelt moment?” somepony else asked.

“Uh, I guess?”

“Well, since the damage is done…Hi Caramel!” Bonbon said, entering the room as well. “Oh, and Rose is here, too.”

“R—rose?” Caramel asked.

“She’s here.”

“Where?”

“Behind you,” said a voice softly. A warm breath blew on the back of his head.

Caramel turned around slowly, and the murderous face of the cream-colored earth pony filled his view. “Gah!” he yelped.

“Caramel…” she sang, although her voice was saturated with threat. “Did I hear correctly? That you cut yourself?”

“Erm…yes…I’m sorry…”

She chuckled. “Oh Caramel…you will be…As soon as you recover, I’m going to cut you up myself and send you right back here FOR NOT THINKING OF TALKING TO ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS,” she shouted.

Caramel cowered. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I just…I didn’t think of it!” That was so stupid of me…Rose probably would’ve made everything better… “It’s okay, though. M—Mac loved me the whole time, and I don’t feel bad anymore. I feel really…happy now, actually. You still love me, right, Mac?” He partially feared that he would say “no.”

“Eeyup.”

“See?” I feel…better now…

“Well,” continued Rose, “I’m just glad you’re okay.” She sniffed and wiped a single tear from her eye.

“Th—thanks…” he gave a soft smile.

“We all love you, by the way, so talk to us if you ever need to, okay?” Bonbon said gently, laying a hoof on his right foreleg.

“Especially me.”

For the first time in days, Caramel smiled.