Spike's Bad Week

Spikes Bad Week

Day One

Chapter One: Context Sensitive

Spike opened his eyes and was welcomed with a barrage of blurs as he woke up. He felt a sharp pain attacking his head. He struggled to lift his aching body from the cold hard floor but felt that his sense of balance was not cooperating. After taking a few steps he soon tripped and slammed down onto the floor with his face.

"Oww that hurts!” he grumbled to himself. He waited a while unit his vision cleared and began recalling the events of the previous night, “Okay so maybe I might have drank a bit too much.” His brain disagreed with a sharp pain in his head, “Oh shut up brain. Okay so maybe I’ve drank too much and now I got a bad hangover. Well it’s nothing I can’t handle just gotta find Twilight and get Zecora’s hangover remedy, no big deal it’s not like I got myself-”

Spike then took a look at his surrounding, the floor was gray cobblestone and three of the walls were made out of grey bricks. Too his left against the wall was a bunk bed with two hard mattresses and blankets, like they were of any use. On the opposite there was a sink and a toilet. The fourth wall of the dim room wasn’t really a wall but rather a series of metal bars.

“- arrested.” he finished as he absorbed his surroundings.

Okay now Spike what did you do last night? So I was at that bar and got wasted, then I went home. No wait, I met up with somepony on the way. Or did I? Then I was in the air and crashed into something. Oh Celestia, how drunk was I?

Spike grappled the bars and let out a sigh. Come it’s not that bad. So what? No big deal just waiting for somepony to bail me out that’s all. It’s not like I did anything that serious. No, don’t think like that. Wow Twilight must be really rubbing out on me, wait, wasn’t Twilight with me last night? I can’t really remember anything, it’s all a blur.

Choosing not make his pressing headache worse, he decided to look around his prison cell. To the wall behind him there were two green bunk beds with blankets that were stained with Celestia knows what. Next to the beds in a corner was a pile of burlap sack. On closer inspection Spike saw that it the sack was actually a scarecrow complete with a red shirt. Behind the scarecrow was a movie poster of a classic French romantic film. Across the cell there was sink and a toilet next to it. Apparently there he wouldn’t get any privacy when attuning to the call of nature. He then turned to see the scarecrow that seemed so out of place.

Wait is that scarecrow moving?

Indeed Spike saw a rhythmic moment coming from the scarecrow Spiked carefully observed before deciding to approached it. He chose to poke it going against his better judgment.  But then again his better judgment led him to a jail cell with a massive hangover.

“Wuh… uh who goes there?” came a raspy voice. Spike screamed and fell backwards as he realized that it was that the scarecrow that was talking to him. The scarecrow then proceeded to lift itself and was soon balanced on a wooden pole to with its burlap body was attached to. It was wearing and red checkered shirt and its head was also moving as its beady little eyes looked around the room.

Seriously his eyes were actually two little beads surrounded by black patches to look bigger. Then it proceeded to stretch its arms and scratch itself. The scarecrow turned its head and after noticing Spike then took a quick look around the cell as if noticing it was locked for the first time. “I guess you’re my new cellmate?” it asked Spike breaking the science.

“What are you?” Spike asked the scarecrow before mentally slapping himself for asking such a stupid question.

“I’m a scarecrow; don’t tell me you’ve never seen a scarecrow before?” It asked with irritation in his raspy voice. Well Spike though it was male, his voice has a masculine tone. That is if scarecrow even had genders.

“Of course I’ve seen a scarecrow before, what I meant to ask was who are you?”  Spike clarified.

“Me? Of course, yeah, the name is Birdy,” he introduced himself.

“Beardy? But you have no beard.”

“No not Beardy, Birdy, I scare birds.” Birdy said flapping his arms in the air as if demonstrating. “It’s kinda what I do.”

“Okay Birdy, I don’t feel that good and I have this really bad headache. I don’t know where I am so can help me while I recover from his hangover?”

“Help?” Birdy said before shaking his head “Nah.”He then paused in thought before he changed his mind, “Well actually I may help somewhat. Have you ever heard of ‘Context Sensitive’?”

“Context what?” Spike asked confused raising his eyebrow to what the scarecrow said.

“Context Sensitive, It means context sensitive. In that it is sensitive to context. Trust me it’s very useful, you’ll use it a lot. I taught it to a pink earth pony a while back and she baked me a nice cake. Best cake I’ve ever had.” Birdy tried to explain the dragon.

“But what does that have to do with me?” the confused dragon asked the scarecrow, “How is any of this going to help me?”

“I can teach you it. It’s easy” Birdy told him. He leaned back using the wall behind him as support as he tried to stand up straight. “It’ll help you long time. You love it long time.”

Well won’t hurt to try.

 “Okay Birdy how do you use this context sensitive.”

“Well whenever you are in a situation that needs context sensitive you hear this ‘Ting’ sound. When you do just do what comes naturally. Don’t question it, just do it, that’s how it works” The scarecrow explained to spike waving his arms in the air as attempting to demonstrate.

The young dragon was not amused with the demonstration “You got be kidding me, there’s no way that-”

*Ting!*

“Yeah just like that! When you hear ‘ting’ sound just do whatever comes naturally. Pretend like there’s some kind of button you have to press.” The scarecrow shifted towards Spike.

Spike sighed as he heard the ting sound. Where did it even come from? Spike looked around the cell to find any source of the noise but was met with no results. He felt a sting of pain reminding him of his ongoing headache. Spike decided it was not agitate his headache and decided to amuse Birdy.

Just do what comes naturally, huh?

He put his claw into his pocket and took out a bottle of beer.

Wait, since when did I have pockets?

“I don’t mind if I do,” Birdie interrupted his thoughts as he snatched the bottle and chugged down its contents before releasing a loud belch and throwing the bottle away. “That really hit the spot.”

“What was that?” Spiked asked confused more than ever.

“That my lizard friend was Context Sensitive.” Birdy explained as if what had occurred was nothing out of the ordinary. “It’s very helpful, yeah very helpful indeed.”

“But I just pulled a bottle of beer out of nowhere and I’m a dragon.”Spike corrected him.

“Whatever dragon pal, what you just saw was context sensitive in action, I was thirsty and you gave me a beer. That’s how it works; once you get hang of it becomes it easy. Just don’t expect it to solve all your problems.” Birdy instructed the dragon

“But this whole concept doesn’t even make sense?” Spike argued.

“I’m a scarecrow without any vital organs that somehow is capable of consuming alcohol without problem. Would like to explain how any of this makes sense smartass?” he countered Spike.

*Ting!*

Spike sighed as he reached into his pocket out of nowhere and pulled out another bottle of beer.

Don’t question it, just like Pinkie Pie. It doesn’t make sense and you don’t want to find out how it works.

“Just what I needed,” Birdy said as he snatched the bottle away from Spike. He then threw the bottle in the air and caught it with his mouth, swallowing the whole bottle. Spike looked in disgust as the scarecrow let out a loud belch. “That really hit the spot.”

The dragon held his claws against his nose, “how do you even have bad breath? You said that you had no organs?”

Birdy just brushed the question “I don’t know, now if you excuse me I’m going to take a nap now. “

With that the scarecrow let go of his balance and fell back down to his corner. Soon the sounds of snores filled the cell.

 “Well that was weird.” He muttered to himself. Looking across the room at the sink he noticed that there was a mirror above it. Spike then stared at his reflection for the first the same time since waking up. He was a mess. His eyes were red and weary and somehow his scales were missing their pristine shine and even the spikes on his back were ragged. “Wow I’m a mess.”

*Ting!*

To be honest I don’t understand how this even works but whatever.

 Spike then reached to the mirror and somehow mysteriously had a compartment behind it. There was a clean glass of water and a bottle of hangover remedy tablets. Without thinking, Spike grabbed the bottle and swallowed a tablet washing it down with the glass of water. The effect was instantaneous. He felt his headache go away and his mind clearing up. His eyes returned to his normal color as the red went away and soon his hangover was gone within a minute.

Well that was a big coincidence, just what I needed.  Just like Birdy wanted beer. Well as long as it’s convenient I’m okay all this Context Sensitive mumbo jumbo.

With the hangover gone Spike decided to sit down wall and began pondering about what was going to happen.

Well probably going to wait until Twilight comes to bail me out. Probably have to listen to one of her lectures and then never talk about this again. It’s not like I did anything serious, right?

╠═════════════╣

The High King of the Griffons was menacing sight to behold. More lion than eagle, his appearance alone was enough to ensure loyalty from his subjects. Few were bold or foolish enough to look up and defy his towering appearance. On top of his fearsome dark brown head was a crown of royal purple with gold trimmings decorating it with and elegant pattern. His sharp beak could tear many being to shreds without effort. Within his eagle claw he held the royal scepter forged from a master goldsmith. On his back was an elegant royal cape also with gold trimmings along the edges.

The king was upon the throne room and not in a happy mood. He was amidst trip visiting the majestic city of Paris: then that stupid lizard dragon had to come crashing down and had to ruin everything. Of course he was quite enraged that his vacation was cut short and was now in his throne room in a foul mood.

"Your highness, Professor Von Kripplesiten has arrived." One of his guards informed him.

"Good.” The king’s deep dark voice replied. “Let him in.”

Professor Von Kripplestein was King Gryphon’s trusted professor. Amongst being head of the Royal Griffon Academy, he was also and passionate scientist and alchemist. Some would say that he was too passionate given his quirky nature. He was a small lanky griffon that lacked social skills or lacked empathy for others. His legs were left immobile as a result of an explosion in battle during his general days. As a result he was confined to a hover-chair because “Wheelchairs are for ze squares.”

"Zes, did you call me your majesty?" he asked the king.

"Yes. I have an important task. My trip cut short." said the High King while pausing at every other word, "There was this issue. This dragon- He came. Spilled milk all over!” he roared.

"I see, zen wat do you want me to do?" Von Kripplestein asked hiding his intimidation. He knew when the king was in foul mood it was best to entertain him no matter how stupid his request was.

"The royal supply- Ruined. Make more." was the king ordered.

"More of ze vat?" Von Kripple asked.

“Of the Royal Supply." He repeated.

Von Kripplestein was chose his next words carefully, “Well I zee your highness, I need for you to be more specific for vat you vant me to do.”

“MAKE. MORE. CHOCOLATE. MILK!.” The king roared, letting out his inner lion.

"Oh I zee" –the professor shook his head- "Well I'll zee wut I can do."

"Yes- And be quick.” The king snapped. There was a brief pause before he continued, “Don't disappoint me. You don’t want

me, to bring the duct tape.”

Von Kripplestein gulped, "Yes I'll be quick. I'll have ze milk read in no time, no time at all. Gud day to you." He left the throne room. He knew that the king never joked about duct tape. Duct tape was very serious business and it was one of the few things that irritated Von Kripplestein beyond belief, the other being the king’s inability to speak in fragments longer than five words.

King Gryphon turned to one of his guards, "How's our guest?"

"He’s locked up in the dungeon your highness." said the guard.

"Is he awake?"

"I do believe so your highness."

"Good. I'll have some fun. Send in The Executioner.”

"Your highness are your sure-" the guard stopped mid sentence as he saw the glare in the king's eyes. "I mean I'll send the orders right away your highness."

╠═════════════╣

Down below in the living quarters of the dungeon guards two best friends were high stakes of poker. One of them, an auburn pegasus with a blue mane, was sure that he had the upper hand and had to call of his buddy’s bluff. The other guard was a young griffon with a white head feathers and dark brown torso was deep in concentration in looking at the cards in his claw. He was sure that pegasus was bluffing but had had to be sure.

The pegasus turned to friend and said, “Dude you might as well fold, I got this in the bag.”

The griffon puffed his chest before responding, “What you talking about? I can tell when you lying to me.” The griffon called his buddy’s bluff.

“Okay then-“the pegasus then revealed his cards by slamming them on the table, “how about now? Full house, what now dude!”  He shouted with a smirk.

The griffon sighted knowing that he had lost. “Fine so what’s your dare? “He asked.

The pegasus placed his hoof under his chin as if deep thought, “Hmm, how about we make this interesting, I dare you to streak down the hallway naked.” he said.

The griffon looked at the pegasus confused. “Dude we don’t normally wear clothes. What in the hell are you talking about?”

The pegasus paused and put his hoof under his chin in thought before he came the conclusion “I see ya’ point. Well it was a big deal with dem apes down in the deep jungle but anyways how ‘bout you just streak down the hallway out of uniform?”

“Fine.” The griffon mumbled before taking off his chest plate, the guard uniform was mostly for cosmetic purposes. The armor they wearied was not the best suited for battle and would hinder its wear more than actually offer protection. Besides real motherbucking griffons had no need for armor, only wimps and cowards relied on such things.

The griffon guard pictured himself as a brave ancient warrior out in battle as he began to charge down the quarters. He opened the door that led to the hallway and was about to let out an ancient battle cry only to stop when he realized who was in front of him.

“Captain, Sir! What can I do for you Sir?!” he immediately saluted.

“Why are you out of uniform you damned excuse for a guard?!” the captain barked. He was taller than an average griffon, and his strength was unmatched within the armed guard.  When the captain spoke you listened if you knew what was good for you.

Hearing the captain’s voice the pegasus rushed to the door along with his buddy. “Sir, what are your orders Sir!”

“I want to know why this pitiful griffon is out of uniform.  But besides chewing your heads off, I have orders from the king. How’s that dragon prisoner doing?” he asked the two guards.

“He’s doing fine sir. He woke up earlier this morning. Though I think he might be a little out of his mind” said the pegasus.

“Explain yourself guard!” the captain barked.

The griffon guard spoke next “Well he was talking to a scarecrow.”

“Yeah I was wondering about that.” Said the pegasus, “Why is there even a scarecrow in the dudgeon?”

“I know right. I was wondering about that too-“the griffon continued.

“Would you waste of feathers please SHUT THE HELL UP!” the sergeant roared at the two guards. His patience was thinning out at the sight of how those two idiots even made into the guard. “I don’t give a flying feather about the prisoner. I want to you two imbeciles to go to our dragon friend’s cell and escort him to the interrogation chamber. The king wants him to meet The Executioner.”

“Yes right away sir!” both guards answered as they were about to leave the quarters.

“You waste of feathers at least you can have the idiot change into his damned uniform!” the captain shouted at the guards. He sighed to himself, “I hate this job. I swear when I get that chance I’ll leave this pitiful excuse for a guard and I’ll lead some real soldiers. If only there was a war to fight to send those idiots to the front lines...”

“Um, captain we’re right here,” said the griffon guard.

“I know.”

╠═════════════╣

Spike was bored. He was sitting against the wall looking at the bars across of him. At first he tried to rest in one of the bunk but the mattress was hard and bumpy and the blankets smelled funny.  It didn’t help that Birdy was snoring next the beds in his corner. Spike did not understand how it happens but the scarecrow managed to have a very bad odor.

How can he even pass gas if he has no internal organs?

Spike then decided if there were any more opportunities in his cell to use context sensitive. He still had no idea how it worked other that it’s supposed to give him what he needs in that moment of time. As if it was sensitive to context… nah that would just be stupid.

Gah! This whole concept just makes no sense. It’s like Pinkie Pie, it just random and defies all reasoning. Let’s just leave it at that.

Deciding that there was no point in question the powers that be Spike grunted in boredom. There was nothing to do in his cell, who would have thought that living scarecrows made bad company?

So bored…

Shut up brain! It’s your fault I’m in the first place.

And whose idea was it to go out and go drinking because he got rejected.

Well you didn’t object to it at the time. Besides….wait, am I having an argument with myself?

Spike rushed to the bars of his cell clenching them in his claws before shouting “Hello? Is there anyone else in here?! Anyone, I think I’m losing it!”

*Ting!*

Spike turned to the sink towards the mirror knowing that there was no cabinet. After taking the hangover remedy tablets he later checked for what else was in the cabinet only to find out that there was no cabinet behind the mirror. It was just a small mirror hanging from a brick wall.

*Ting!*

The sound was clearer as he approached the mirror, and grabbing it he opened a cabinet that seeming came out of nowhere. There was a brown envelope inside. Spike opened the envelope only to find an application form into “Greenhill Germane Asylum for the Mentally Ill and Criminally Insane”.

Et tu context sensitive?

“Yo dragon! You in there?” shouted a voice coming down cell isle.

Spike turned around to see that there were two guards were approaching his cell. One of them was an auburn pegasus with a blue mane and the other was a lanky golden griffon with white feathers on his head.

The pegasus guard spoke “Ah, there you are dragon dude. Anyways we gots orders to take you to some other room or something. So we gonna open yo’ cell but you betta’ not do anything funny. I has my eyes on you dragon.”

“My name is Spike” he muttered to the guards.

The pegasus gave his grin as he continued, “Well then Spike, dragon dude, we gots orders to follow and that so yeah.  My name’s Blazing Skies by the way.”

The griffon guard groaned as he put his claw on his head and gave a deep sigh, “Are you really going to use that damned stupid name are you?”

‘Blazing Skies’ turned to his griffon friend and asked,” Well what’s wrong with ‘Blazing Skies’? I think it’s a badass name.”

“It’s not even your real name.” The griffon said before turning his attention to Spike, “Don’t mind this idiot, he thinks his real name is lame and is always coming up with some new name that his think sound cool.”

“Gerald you ain’t supposed to tell him that!” the pegasus shouted as his griffon friend.

“Well that’s your problem.” Gerald told the pegasus relishing in the fact that his friend was so easily irritated about his real name. “So Spike buddy, like I was saying, don’t mind this idiot over here. His real name is Cloudy Raindrop by the way.”

Cloudy Raindrop roared at his friend as he lifted his hoof to deliver a blow that struck against his the griffons face. “Why the buck did you tell him that dude?!” he screamed.

Gerald lifted his claw, blocking the incoming barrage of hits. “Well Cloudy, that’s what you get for getting in trouble with the captain earlier.” He said with a smirk enjoying his friend’s frustration.

Spike sat in disbelief as he saw the two guards fighting outside of his cell. Cloudy Raindrop gave uppercut the Gerald. The griffon was quick to recover and managed to land a hit at the pegasus. Soon the both were a standoff with both of them spreading their wings as they looking for a chance to strike the other. After a few minutes Spike decided it was time to intervene.

“Every calm the buck down!” he screamed.

Gerald and Cloudy Raindrop stopped mid fight as they turned to face the dragon. Gerald began to blush in embarrassment as he realized what he was supposed to be doing, “Sorry about that buddy, we kinda forgot that you were there.”

“Spike dude, don’t worry ‘bout us. Me an’ Gerald here have been best buds since we was little. We always fight for no reason, that’s how we is.” Cloudy Raindrop said.

“But aren’t you two supposed to be doing something?” Spike asked the guards.  “You know something about opening my cell door?”

Gerald quickly stood in a professional stance, “Yes, yes we were. We are supposed to escort you to the interrogation chamber.”

Spike felt the colors drain from his scales as he gulped upon hearing the news, “the what chamber?” he nervously asked.

Cloudy Raindrop pulled out of a key ring from one on his uniforms pockets, “Relax dragon, it’s just a name they give it. It’s more of questioning room; apparently they want some info or something. “

Spike exhaled his breath from relief.

“What Cloudy said, you just have to answer a few answers to The Executioner.” Gerald said.

Spike felt his blood freeze. An Executioner? But he was still a young dragon. He had his whole life ahead of him! He was only just considered an adult a few months ago and had so much to do. He began to hyperventilate as his began to think about his impending doom.

“Whoa! Spike calm down dragon dude. He’s not a real executioner, that’s just the title they gave him for being the most heartless, cruel and merciless son-of-a-bitch in the King’s service” Cloudy said in an effort to calm the dragon.

“Um… t-that’s not really helping.” Spike muttered on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Gerald groaned and he buried his head to his claws, “Spike calm down! You’re not going to die; he just wants to ask you a few questions.  Look just because he’s nicknamed The Executioner doesn’t mean that he’s going to hang you after he’s done questioning you.” He said before muttering under his breath, “maybe.”

“Um I don’t think I’m ready for that, so if you could just let me go and I’ll come back for questioning when I’m prepared for it.” Spike tried to convince the guards.

“Nice try” Cloudy Raindrop said as he began to unlock his cellar, “but we gots a job to do. We got orders to escort ya’ to the integration chamber.  Congrats dragon dude, you have a date with The Executioner.”