Unfanon

Anon trudged out of town square, still profoundly disappointed that Rainbow Dash wasn't a lesbian.

"All the signs were right there!" Anon mused aloud. "It's almost as if I can't make broad generalizations about p–!"

As if the universe didn't want him to finish that sentence, his foot stubbed into a rock, causing his legs and his pants to split.

"Oh, great," Anon groaned as he looked back at his torn trousers, a gaping hole on the seat of his pants. "Rainbow Dash isn't a lesbian, my pants are torn, and now I have to see that bitch Rarity. She's so shallow and preoccupied with appearances– nothing like me!" Anon continued to mutter in increasingly incoherent anger as he tried desperately to hold up the denim cloth that once covered his sizable posterior.

After a few minutes, Anon had reached the Carousel Boutique. He knocked on the door, waiting for the door to be answered by who he considered "Worst Pony." Sure enough, the door opened, and there she stood– Rarity, in her meticulously arranged mane, gazing at Anon in what he was certain was silent judgement.

"Ah, hello, Anon," Rarity said with not even the smallest bit of surprise. "Need another mending job?"

See, this isn't the first time Anon had damaged his clothes since his arrival to Equestria. Each time, he went to see Rarity, and he dreaded every visit. He knew he had to put up with Rarity's smugness, standing there and being prettier than him. He could swear she did it on purpose.

"Yeah," he muttered. "My pants ripped."

Rarity took a look at the back of the sundered garment.

"Oh... Oh my. I'm going to have to take those off to fix them. Come inside, darling."

Anon reluctantly stepped inside the boutique, looking around the room at the mannequins. He was at the center of evil, the girly stereotypes that Hasbro perpetuated with one character. Truly sinister.

"Alright, darling, I'm going to need your trousers. I must say, though, denim isn't the first choice I would've made..."

Anon rolled his eyes, then unbuttoned his pants, dropping them to the floor. At the moment that he stood in the middle of the boutique with a mare inside, he got to thinking– despite being a fashionista bitch, Rarity was pretty clearly hetero, and this time, there wasn’t any disputing it. If she wasn’t completely hetero, she would at least be bi. The gears in his head began turning– a new idea, so novel, so brilliant! Well, some artists and writers have done this before, and now that he could see there was some basis for it, suddenly most of the ponies not being lesbians wasn’t such a bad thing. After all, ponies were universally tolerant and accepting of absolutely everything, so having sex with a human should be completely okay! He began his most brilliant scheme to get some.

“So… Your mane is nice.” Clearly, his cleverness with words and his masculine wiles were unmatched.

“Thank you,” Rarity smiled, taking a needle and thread to the ripped jeans. Anon’s mind has quickly changed about Rarity with the increasingly possible prospect of getting in her V. Now, she was the most appealing pony of the bunch. It would be then that he would be at his most suave.

“Let’s fuck.”

Rarity stopped for a moment, blinking several times to make sure she heard him right.

“Uh, what was that?”

“I said, ‘Let’s fuck.’ Mate. Copulate. Fornicate. Let’s do it.”

Rarity stood in stunned silence, her mouth hung open with the needle held all the way out.

“I’m sure you’re quite… Er... Virulent and attractive back in your world, Anon, but I’m afraid I’m not interested.”

“But… But you’re a pony! You’re supposed to accept everything there is and therefore you should want me!”

“I’m sorry, darling, I just don’t think of you that way. You and I can still be friends, though. Besides, I’m sure you’d much rather have relations with someone of your own kind.”

The words “Still be friends” rang through Anon’s head, paralyzing him as he stared into the endless nothingness. This was it. This was the lowest depths that he could have possibly sunk. No worse fate could await such a studly, corpulent creature like himself.

He had been friendzoned.

“Anon? Anon, are you alright?”

What an inconsiderate bitch! How could he be alright? He’s just been told by a female of a completely different species that he propositioned out of the blue that they were just friends! No one who’s ever had a romantic relationship has been friends with the person they had a relationship with before! He saw clearly that he was doomed.

It was then that Anon fainted face-first onto the floor.