Unfanon

It was a gorgeous, sunny day in Ponyville. Isn't it always? Except when it isn't. Today, however, thanks to the efforts of Rainbow Dash, the skies are clear and everyone is outside enjoying the glorious, sunny day. Each cloud bursts as she zips back and forth through the sky while her friends below admire both her and the cloudless skies.

Among the celebrants of the uninterrupted sunshine is a corpulent, bipedal creature who only had fur on his head, and a rather unseemly matte of hair on his neck. The air around him was thick with stinging body odor, the smell virtually tangible. This alien visitor from parts unknown is Anon, and his appearance in Equestria would certainly be met with more shock had he not been hanging around Ponyville for the past three months. After a while, the whole town had collectively shrugged and just let this creature stick around. His sudden arrival here certainly wasn't the strangest thing that's happened to them.

He stares up at the sky while the blue pegasus comes in for a landing. He deliberately chews on a cupcake as he locks his eyes onto Rainbow Dash with the utmost scrutiny, the chewing motion he makes as he eats the cupcake slow enough to get a glance into the contents of his mouth.

"See? What'd I tell you? Ten seconds flat!" Rainbow Dash stood triumphant with a smile across her face.

"So it would appear." Anon frowned in deep scrutiny before taking another bite out of the cupcake.

Rainbow Dash's legion of Ponyville friends piled up around her, each trying to get a word in edgewise, some more successfully than others, Anon trailing behind the crowd at a safe distance. Ponies gradually broke off from the mass of ponies talking to Rainbow Dash about nothing in particular– arrangements for social gatherings, and lauding her with such glowing and specific nuggets of praise as "Awesome" and "Amazing." This semi-pointless glory-soaking festival finally came to an end when Pinkie Pie walked off to prepare Sugar Cube Corner for a party. Now Anon stared awkwardly at Rainbow Dash from across the street.

"Hello," he finally said.

"Uh, hey." Rainbow Dash squirmed uncomfortably at the sensation of the eyes on her.

"That's quite a job you did clearing the skies."

"Yeah, I'm pretty awesome."

"I bet you get a lot of pussy."

"Yeah. Wait, what?"

"You know, your awesomeness must get you a lot of tail."

Rainbow Dash scrunched her mouth and raised a brow.

"I don't really follow."

"Sex! Lots of mares have lots of sex with you!"

After Anon's words echoed throughout the town, there was a juicy, awkward silence between the two.

"O–kay then. I'm not sure what cupcakes do to your people, Anon, but it's weirding me out." Rainbow Dash's grimace had stood as clear evidence of her having been weirded out.

"But you're clearly a lesbian! Look at your hair!"

"What does my mane have to do with who I prefer to date?"

"Duh, everything! You're quite obviously a homosexual, what with your boyish demeanor, your lack of interest in archetypical girly things, your hair being a rainbow and cut short..."

"I'm pretty sure none of those have anything to do with whether I prefer mares or stallions."

"Don't try to tell me you haven't thought of porking Fluttershy at least once! I know you have!"

"Wait, wha–"

"Do you not like Fluttershy?!" Anon shouted, once again, for the whole of Ponyville to hear, flecks of spittle escaping his flabby maw and settling on Rainbow Dash's face.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Rainbow Dash had finally lost her patience for the alien. "Fluttershy's my friend, and I like her fine, but it doesn't mean I'm into her in that way. Now, I've got a party to go to." Rainbow Dash flew off as quickly as she could, leaving Anon in the dust. The flabby biped chased after her, still shouting through labored breaths after three or four paces of running.

"Applejack! You want to get it on with Applejack, don't you?! What about Twilight?!" Anon gave up, sitting down in place.

Now, Anon could have learned that you can't judge a book by its cover, and that assigning stereotypes doesn't necessarily do people justice, and that one needs to assess people on an individual basis. However, Anon pulled out a notebook and began scribbling in it with pencil.

Dear Diary,

Equestria is lame. The Mane Six aren't even all lesbians. I'll have to find a way to force Rainbow Dash to sex up Fluttershy. Or Applejack. Or Twilight.

-Anon