Chapters Chapter 1--Twilight Motherfucking Sparkle
Chapter 1--Twilight Motherfucking Sparkle
The first thing I noticed after I had been blindfolded was a feminine voice. Having nothing better to do, I listened to what she said, not thinking for a second how it so happened that she spoke English.
“Subject appears to be bipedal in nature. It has two legs, two arms, a single head consisting of two forward-facing eyes, a nose, a mouth, two ears. The remainder of the head appears to be covered in hair. It seems to be wearing some sort of clothing over its torso and legs, as well as its feet. After further observation, I can see that it has sharp teeth, and hands which would be good for using weapons. Are you getting all this, Spike?”
After listening to her description, I began to form a picture of the ‘subject’ in my mind, I decided she was talking about me. The hairy head was because for whatever fucked up reason, cryogenic chambers don’t stop hair growth, so I had some pretty long hair and a gnarly beard. After a quick moment to think about that, I decided it was time to try and persuade myself out of this situation. “Hey, so, where am I and what’s going on?” Admittedly not my greatest attempt at conversation but I was blindfolded, give me a break.
“It speaks! Spike take that down!”
“I have a name woman, I’d prefer you use that. And I’m a he, not an it.”
“My apologies sir, what is your name?”
I knew better than to give a mysterious person any personal information. “Síor,” I told her. It wasn’t entirely false. Síor was my middle name. She didn’t specify, after all.
“A pleasure to meet you Mr. Síor. My name is Twilight Sparkle and my assistant is Spike.”
Twilight Sparkle. That name is so stupid I just, I don’t even know. And Spike? That sounds like a dog’s name. What kind of fucked up world is this? “Ok, introductions done, do you mind telling me where I am?”
“Well, I’m more interested in where you are from .”
I told her. Though I gave a kind of smartass answer. “Well, before I got here, I was in the CERN Research lab in Geneva, Switzerland, Europe, Eastern Hemisphere, Planet: Terra or Earth or SOL-3, star: SOL, galaxy: Milky Way, The Universe. Before that I was at NASA in Houston, Texas, United States of America, Western Hemisphere, planet: Terra or Earth or SOL-3, star: SOL, galaxy: Milky Way, The Universe. Before that I was in college at--”
“Ok, I don’t need your life story. Besides, none of those places are of any relevance to me.” Hmm. “You asked where you are, so I shall tell you. You are in the Canterlot Library in Canterlot.”
Canterlot, that sounds awfully similar to Camelot. I swear, if I’m in some sort of alternate dimension where everything is the same except the names, I’m gonna punch something. “I have no idea where that is.”
“I didn’t expect you to. Given your previous location, I couldn’t tell you where you are in relation. What is the last thing you remember?”
“Well, all life was being sucked into a black hole. I went into a cryogenic chamber for God knows how many years. I woke up in the future. I started to explore, then I ended up here and then I was blindfolded, which honestly why did you even do that?”
I heard what sounded like a flamethrower and then she was at me again. “So, Mr. Síor, what exactly are you?” Her asking that meant that she was not human. I would have to ask what she was next. “I am a human. Scientific name Homo sapiens .”
“She didn’t ask if you prefered mares or stallions,” a more masculine, albeit childish, voice said. Mares or stallions? I never mentioned horses.
“Spike, Homo sapiens means ‘the same as sapient.’”
“Well, why is he speaking different languages?”
“It’s scientific terms, they all sound like a different language.”
“Hey, so what are you?”
“I’m a pony.”
“And him? Don’t tell me he’s a talking dog,” I said, referring to Spike.”
“Of course not. Spike’s a baby dragon.” A dragon? Just my luck. I always said I wanted to see a dragon, and now it’s studying me.
“Besides,” Spike said, “the only dogs that can speak in Equestria are the diamond dogs, and they live in the caves outside of Ponyville.” Ponyville, seriously?
“Whatever, can you take this fucking blindfold off now, it’s starting to hurt my eyes, especially with it pushing against my glasses.” And now I’m starting to think contacts wouldn’t have been such a bad idea.
“I suppose you can be trusted enough to let you see.” The blindfold removed itself and I got my first good look at the place.
It was a huge library, filled with books and scroll of all sizes. And in the center of it all was a giant-ass hourglass that looked like it had been going for a thousand years and only had a few years left. I then noticed my captors. Twilight was a purple horse--no looking at her size, she was definitely a pony with a dark purple mane with brighter purple highlights and purple eyes. And then I noticed her horn. She was a fucking unicorn . Spike was a chubby-looking two-legged reptile. He was indeed a baby dragon. He was mainly purple with a green belly and green spines and green eyes. As soon as I was done with my observations, Spike belched and spouted fire and a scroll.
He unrolled the scroll and read it aloud: “My dearest, most faithful student Twilight, You know that I admire your diligence and that I trust you completely. But you simply must stop performing potentially unsafe spells without proper precautions in place. I trust your judgement in this situation and I will allow you to do as you deem necessary with this experiment. Your teacher, Princess Celestia.” His recitation complete, he rolled up the scroll.
“Excellent,” Twilight said. “I will release you from your bonds and you are to stay here while I do my other work. Feel free to read any of the books in the library while I’m gone.” And with that, she released me. I then started searching the shelves for anything interesting.
“I should probably mention all the things I have in my pockets so you aren’t surprised by them. In my right pants pocket, I have my cell phone, which is of little use now, my pocket knife, a few mechanical pencils and a notepad. In my left pants pocket, I have my wallet, a lighter, some papers that I put notes on, and my coin pouch. In my left jacket pocket, I have a charger for my phone and an extension cord because the charger cord is short as fuck. And finally, I have a pair of gloves in each of my jacket pockets and a hidden dagger in my right boot.”
“I don’t know what half those things are. For now, just put it all on the table over there and I will examine them later.”
Chapter 2--Night Mare Moon
Chapter 2--Night Mare Moon
As it turned out, Twilight had simply left to do some casual reading under a tree while I was stuck in a library with nothing to do but read. Even Spike had left to apparently buy a gift for some chick named Moon Dancer. I swear these ponies have the most fucktarded names ever. It was a generic teddy bear. He finished wrapping it and then started trying to talk to me. “So, Síor was it? What’s it like being a human?”
Not being much of a conversationalist, I simply gave him the quickest answer I could think of. “Well, for me it’s nothing new, I mean, I’ve been a human my whole life.”
At my answer, he facepalmed--or face-clawed, I guess. “Not what I meant. What do you think it would be like for somepony to suddenly become human?”
I had to think for a second. I had formed my answer, but I decided to ask him a question first: “Why do you say somepony ? You’re a dragon, not a pony. Why don’t you just say someone ?”
That threw him off guard. “Well, I never really thought of that. And there are other talking animals in this world than just ponies and dragons, too. I wonder why ponies do say somepony instead of someone.”
“Grow up with ponies, you start talking like them. Anyways, to answer your question, for a pony to suddenly become a human, I’d imagine it would be very disorienting. For starters, the pony would have two legs rather than four, so it would have to learn to walk on only two legs. Secondly, its eyes would then be facing forward, not to the sides. The addition of fingers and toes would be something new. Not to mention changing the positions and sizes of most of the sensory organs, being eyes, ears, and nose. The pony would have far less hair and no tail. You’d be taking a natural born prey animal, an herbivore, and turning it into a hunter-gatherer, an omnivore. Such a drastic change would be very, very disorienting, as I said.”
“Huh. What if a dragon like me turned into a human?”
“Well, for a dragon like you , it wouldn’t be much different. Add a little hair and lose the tail and spines and the fire breath and you're pretty much human. But if full-sized dragons here are anything like they are in the legends on my world, it would shrink dramatically, lose the wings, lose the tail, lose the spines and it would not breath fire anymore. Changing a carnivore into and omnivore isn’t too drastic a change other than the size difference and the natural weapons; humans had to make weapons to be dangerous, but our minds are our greatest attributes. Put a smart human in a room with any material he could ask for and he could build anything. Of course, the best inventions come from observing the world around you. But I digress, any more hypothetical questions? Or just questions in general?”
“None off the top of my head. Well, I’m gonna go to Moon Dancer’s party. Don’t burn down the library.”
“After what happened to the Library of Alexandria, I would never think of it. Even if that library was never burned, I would still never burn down such a sacred building of knowledge.”
“You’re starting to sound like Twilight. I’m gonna go before I catch the nerdiness.”
I shrugged, “Eh, suit yourself. I’m on library lockdown until jailmaster Twilight says I can go. I’m just gonna stay here and read.”
“Whatever, see ya Sí.”
I chuckled at the nickname. I never thought I would ever be nicknamed the Spanish word for yes. Oh well, c’est la vie. My musings were interrupted by a determined-looking--at least I think that’s what it was, I haven’t learned how to read pony expressions yet--Twilight. She slammed the door in Spike’s face which, despite being fucking hilarious, was kind of rude and dangerous. This caused Spike to break the present he had, making all the fluffy cotton spill out of the cute little teddy bear.Predictions and Prophecies . I started searching but immediately stopped when I realized something. “Hey, Twi,” I could tell she didn’t like me calling her that. “What’s the categorical system of this library?”
“What do you mean? Anypony can tell that everything is organized by similarity.”
“Yeah, I know but what are the groups. You know, like reference or fiction or children’s.”
“I still don’t understand. The books are simply organized however I deem fit.”
“And you don’t see a problem in that?”
“Of course not, why would that be a problem?”
“Well, what if someone else wanted to find a book and couldn’t, or what if a book is in one spot one day and someone comes back to find it the next day and it isn’t there?”
“Hmm, I guess I never thought of that. How do humans organize books?”
“Well, we have this thing called the Dewey Decimal System. I never understood it or took the time to research it but I think it sorts books alphabetically by the author’s last name. Personally, I think it’s a terrible system because it requires the person looking for a book to know who wrote it. I prefer to organize books, and just about everything else I own--or owned--alphabetically by title. Thus a book titled Predictions and Prophecies would be between Predetermined Events and Preposterous Fortune Telling .” I punctuated that statement by pulling out the requested book which was nowhere near any other p-titled books. “And voila!”
“Why didn’t I think of that? So simple! So practical! So me!”
“Yeah, whatever. Here’s your book. I’m going back to reading since that’s all I can really do in this prison of mine.”
“Elements, you say? You mean the Elements of Harmony?”
“How do you know about the Elements of Harmony?”
“One of the books I read mentioned them. Some sort of stones that, when brought together, can release immense and unpredictable power. Apparently there was a lot that happened 1000 years ago because they were used against at least three or four villains. Why do you need to know about them?”
“Well, I thought I had heard of them before and they sounded like something that might be in this book. I was still looking while you were talking and it brought me to this article about Night Mare Moon. it says that she was imprisoned in the moon 1000 years ago and on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars would aid in her escape and she would bring about night time eternal and that only the Elements of Harmony could stop her.”
“What. The. Fuck. This sounds like something out of a fucking manga. Alright, don’t tell me. The summer solstice is just a few days away and it just so happens to be the thousandth year or whatever. you’re gonna tell your leader that something needs to be done. He or she will tell you to get your shit together and that nothing is going to happen and instead send you on some other mission that will lead to stopping the bad thing from happening, in this case the return of this Night Mare Moon person thus saving the day and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.”
“Well, I don’t know about all that, but I must tell the princess.”
“That’s something I’ve been wondering. Why do you keep contacting the princess with all your findings? Why not the king or queen?”
“We don’t have kings or queens in Equestria.” Seriously? The country is called Equestria?
“Eh, whatever. Send the note if you must, but I stand by my stereotypical plotline theory.”
“Spike--actually, Síor, take a letter.”
“Why me? I may be your prisoner but I’m not your slave.”
“Well, from the way you speak, you clearly have a larger vocabulary than Spike. I grow weary of constantly rewording my letters because he doesn’t understand what I’m trying to say or can’t spell a word. I figure this way, I won’t have to worry about it.”
“Eh, fair enough. Give me something to write with and on.” Her horn lit up with a purple light and the same color surrounded a quill, an ink pot, and some parchment as they floated over to me. “Still not used to the whole magic thing, but thanks. I’m ready when you are.”
She cleared her throat and began telling me what to write. “Dear Princess Celestia, I regret to inform you that the mythical Mare in the Moon is in fact Night Mare Moon. This year is the thousandth year of her banishment and I am certain she will return. The human that I summoned, his name is Síor, mentioned that he had read about the Elements while staying here in the library. He told me that they are what banished Night Mare moon in the first place and I believe they are the only things that can save us from her eternal night. I patiently await your response. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”
“Done. But I have a few questions to ask about some of the things in that letter. Spike, go ahead and send it.” I gave it to him and he did his freaky little fire breath thing to send the letter. “First question: you summoned me?”
“Ah, yes. I was meaning to tell you that. I was testing a spell I found that would summon the most dangerous creature ever. It must have gone wrong because there are no records of humans.”
“Even if this is the same world, there wouldn’t be records because all organic material, including ink and paper, was destroyed. That was actually my only questions. The others were mere musings.”
Suddenly, Spike belched up a flaming scroll and read it. I wasn’t paying attention to what it said because I already knew the gist of it: ‘I’m not saying I don’t believe you but I am saying it’s not important right now. I’m going to send you to do something that seems unimportant but will actually lead to you stopping this bitch. Your teacher, Princess Celestia.’ After Twilight summarized it to me, my assumptions were correct. Next stop: Ponyville.
Chapter 4--Into the Everfree
Chapter 4--Into the Everfree
As I predicted, Twilight and the other girls were at the entrance to the Everfree Forest. I heard Pinkie Pie mention something about candy apples before they all went in. I quickened my pace to catch up.
"There you are Síor," Twilight said when I got there.
"Here I am," I replied. "You didn't think I'd let my six favorite ponies go into an evil forest without me, did you?"
"I was hoping not but I can never be sure about you. After all, I've only known you for a day, I haven't had time to study your habits yet." God, I hate it when she talks about me like I'm a science experiment.
"Well, one thing you should know is that I never abandon my friends." For some reason, she visibly cringed when I mentioned our friendship.
"Well, we should get going if we're going to find the Elements."
We started walking again and the seven of us continued until we reached a sharp mountain corner. It had been a while since anyone had said anything so we all jumped when Twilight started talking again. "So, none of you have been in here before?"
"Heavens no!" Rarity exclaimed. "Just look at this place, it's dreadful!"
"It's not that bad," I said. "I mean, I'm not saying I would build a summer home here but the nature really is quite lovely." They all looked at me like I was crazy. And here I thought women would understand natural beauty.
Fluttershy, however, seemed to agree to some extent. "I suppose it is interesting at least. But the creatures in here are unlike anywhere else. And they're more dangerous than anywhere else." I swear that pony needs voice therapy, I could barely hear her. I guess that makes it easy to communicate with animals, though.
"Yeah," Rainbow said, "they're so dangerous that nopony knows anything about them. You know why?"
"Rainbow, quit it," Applejack reprimanded.
"Because anypony who's ever come in has never. Come. Out!" she finished. When she yelled the last word, the cliff gave out beneath us. My quick reflexes allowed me to grab a tree root just under where the cliff had broken and pull myself up. I saw Applejack slide a bit farther before biting another tree root. Rainbow and Fluttershy being pegasi just spread their wings and caught themselves. I couldn't see what happened to Rarity but Twilight slid to the bottom of the cliff and was hanging over a sudden drop.
"Hang on, Imma comin'," Applejack said.
"Don't bother," I broke in. "Twilight, quit being a dumbass and just teleport to safety."
She looked completely dumbfounded but quickly complied after realizing her stupidity. I had Rainbow and Flutters carry me down to the bottom where everyone else was. Once there we continued walking. "Twilight," I said, "why are you so fucktarded?"
She was shocked by my bluntness but quickly got over herself and said, "I don't know, Síor. Thank you for being honest about how stupid I was being."
"Bluntness and honesty are not always good to hear but oftentimes they need to be heard."Huh, I wonder what other kinds of mythological creatures they have here. It growled loudly as we approached it. There was no way around so we had to confront it. It reared up on its hind legs and I noticed something. There was a thorn in one of its paws. I was reminded of an old tale of the mouse that pulled the thorn out of a lion's paw and thought to do the same.
"I got this," I said as I started walking up to it.
"Are you sure Síor?" Twilight asked. "In case you didn't know, that's a manticore. It's a very powerful and dangerous creature, how will you ever defeat it?"
"I'm not going to defeat it, I'm going to help it." That shocked all of them. I walked up to the beast. "Hey big guy," I said to it." You got a nasty thorn in your paw, don't you?"
It seemed to understand me as it turned over its paw to show me. "Oh, you poor thing!" I heard Fluttershy say. I grabbed the thorn and pulled it out. The manticore roared in pain before it picked me up and started licking me in gratitude. Let me tell you, being licked by a creature whose tongue is as big as you are is wet and disgusting. I tolerated it until it let me go. "I wish I had a way to tell you apart from other manticores," I said.
"Oh!" Fluttershy exclaimed. "I have collars in my saddle bags." She pulled out a huge collar from her bags that I didn't notice until just then. I swear she wasn't wearing those when we came in here. She gave me the collar and I put it around the creature's neck, which surprisingly it didn't seem to mind.
We continued walking but I was almost immediately interrupted when I was suddenly in the air. Before I knew what was happening, I was riding the manticore. "I think he likes you, Síor," Fluttershy said.
"So it seems," I replied. "Hey Twi, are there any rules that say I can't take a manticore as a pet?"
"It might make it harder to fit in if you're seen with a manticore all the time," she pointed out.
"True, but it would be totally fucking awesome! Besides, who says I cared about fitting in? I was a social outcast on earth, too. This is not much different." Other than them being ponies, of course.
"If you really want to keep it, I suppose you can. But you have to feed it and make sure it's house trained."
"Bitchin'!" They all gave me strange looks. "That means awesome," I explained.
"You should name him," Fluttershy said.
"Yeah, I never was good with names. How about Bob?"
"You're not calling your manticore Bob," Twilight said.
"Ok, what about Manny?"
"Not very original."
"Rex?"
"That's a dog's name."
"Draco?"
"That's a dragon's name."
"Ugh, Qadir, Qenehelo, Qimat, Quahhar, Quain, Quay, Quin, Quiqui, Quirino."
"All of those are actually pretty good names."
"Now I have to choose. I think I'll go with Qenehelo, it means sympathy."
"A fitting name, I think, if a little long."
"I'll shorten it to Qene, then."
After I finally chose a name for my manticore, we continued into the forest. After a few minutes the canopy above us grew thicker and blocked out the moonlight, eliminating our ability to see well. We were walking along roughly when Fluttershy let out an adorable shriek. “What’s wrong, Flutters?” I asked. She just cowered into a ball and shakily pointed at the thing. “It’s just a tree with a freaky face, what’s so scary about that? Weird, it kind of reminds me of the Disney adaptation of Snow White. No matter. Just ignore them, they can’t hurt you.”
“B-b-but, it’s so...scary!”
“That may be so. Tell you what, the best way to get over your fears is to just go up and laugh at them. That’s how I got over my fear of heights; I hang glided and it was fun. Besides, if anything, these faces are actually kind of funny.” I chuckled at one and it poofed back to a normal tree. “See?”
She nervously walked up to another tree and weakly giggled at it. It immediately turned back to normal. Then the rest of the group started laughing at their stupidity and fear and all the trees turned back to normal and we continued walking.
We came to a rapid and dangerous-looking river. In the river, we saw a giant water serpent who was sobbing hysterically.
"Excuse me, sir," Twilight said. "Why are you crying?"
"Oh I don't know," he responded. He was obnoxiously flamboyant. "Here I am, minding my own business when this tacky little cloud of purple smoke just swifts past me and tore half of my beloved mustache clean off!"
"That's what all the fuss is about?" Dash and I said at the same time.
"But of course it is!" Rarity reprimanded. "How could you be so inconsiderate? Just look at him. Such a beautifully quaffed main."
"I know," the serpent said.
"Such luminescent scales."
"I know," he gushed.
"Such perfectly maintained manicures."
"It's so true!" he flamboyantly said.
"All ruined without your beautiful mustache!"
"It's true, I'm hideous!" he sobbed.
"Hey, I got an idea," I said. "Anyone got anything sharp?" The serpent pulled off one of his scales and handed it to me. "Qene, up." The manticore started flying and I directed it to the serpents head. Armed with the sharp scale, I smoothed out his shave so the other half of the mustache was gone as well. "There, now it won't grow unevenly."
He pulled a giant mirror out of the water to look at himself. "It's certainly not perfect but it is much better. I suppose it will grow back in time. Thank you, mister..."
"Síor's the name."
"Síor, is there any way I can ever repay you?"
"Well, I can clearly see that you're obviously gay. Perhaps you could satisfy my bi-curiosity."
"Well, you certainly are a handsome ape. I suppose I could take you on a nice date."
"Actually, I was thinking of trying gay-sex, if you wouldn't mind."
"I'm afraid you're much to small for me, otherwise I would take you up on the offer."
"I'm sure Twilight can find a size-changing spell to fix that when we decide to do it."
"Splendid! I'm Steven Magnet, by the by. Thank you Síor for your generosity."
"Any time." That done, he made a bridge with his body and we were able to cross.
After a few more minutes, we came up to a ravine. Twilight almost fell over but we notice that there was a bridge that had fallen. “I got this,” I said. “Qene, up.” We flew into the air and down into the ravine to grab the bridge. Landing on the other side, I got of him and tied the rope to the posts. After I tied the first rope, a figure appeared.
“My friends and family died before I arrived in this world, along with the rest of humanity, it seems.”
“But I could send you to an alternate dimension where humanity lives.”
“Really? I would love to do that but I need to secure this rope.”
“No! It’s ponies or humans, you can only choose one.”
“If that’s the case, I choose the ponies. For all I know, I could be rejected in this other dimension. Besides, they’ve become decent friends in the day that I’ve known them, the least I could do is help them save their land from eternal night.”
“This might very well be your last chance to see another human again.”
“I know, and I’m fine with that. When you have friends, sometimes you have to make sacrifices.”
“Very well.” The figure disappeared in the mist.
There was something familiar about him, like I’ve seen him before. But how can that be? The rope secure, Qene and I rejoined the ponies.
“Thanks, Síor,” Twilight said.
“Hey, when it comes to friendship, sacrifices must be made, even if those sacrifices mean giving up what may be my one chance to see another human again. Say, did you see that unicorn that was talking to me?”
“Yes, we did see the unicorn, why?”
“He seemed familiar to me.”
“Well, that couldn’t be. You’ve only been here for a day, how can you already know somepony? Especially somepony that I haven’t seen before; you’ve been stuck to me since I summoned you.”
“Yeah, I was wondering how long that would last.”
“Until I decide you’re safe. But that’s not important now. We’re here.”
We had come to an old castle that looked like it could collapse at any moment. Upon entering, we saw a pedestal with five small stones and one large one on it. Each of the five smaller stones were brought to the floor.
“There’s only five,” Pinkie pointed out.
“The book said: when the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed. ” Twilight and I said together. “Stand back,” Twilight continued. “I have an idea but I don’t know if it’ll work.”
“C’mon y’all, she needs to concentrate,” Applejack said. We left but I snuck around the corner to a window and watched what Twilight did. I may not have understood magic but that’s why it intrigued me so. She kneeled down to the five stones and lit up her horn to try to ignite the spark.
Suddenly, that Night Mare moon bitch appeared screwing up Twilight’s concentration. “Your efforts are fruitless,” she said. This spooked Twilight away from the stones but a weak stream of magic connected them to each other and Night Mare was standing in the epicenter of the stone arrangement. She noticed this and started to freak out. “No, no! It can’t be!” Then the magic faded. She laughed evilly before smashing them to bits. Then, Twilight stupidly charged her with her horn lit. Night Mare saw this and began Charging Twilight, also with her horn lit. When they collided, the resulted magic appeared to teleport them to a nearby tower. I went to tell the girls and we went to the tower. We heard them talking some more and each yelled out a sign that we were coming to help her.
We heard Twilight say, “The spirits of the Elements are right here!” before we entered. “The Element of Honesty, represented by Síor who revealed to me my stupidity when I was in danger. The Element of Kindness, represented also by Síor who tamed a manticore--who has now adopted him as his master--by removing a painful thorn in its paw. The Element of Laughter, represented by...Síor who showed us how to laugh in the face of our fears. The Element of Generosity, also Síor who offered his body to a homosexual serpent. The Element of Loyalty, Síor as well who gave up his one chance to see humans again in order to help his friend.” As she listed all that, the shards of the stones surrounded me and I was slightly frightened by five rings of sharp stone surrounding me.
That’s when I interrupted her. “Woah, woah, woah. I ain’t represen’n’ nothin’,” I said, slipping into my old dialect. “Why don’t I tell you who represents each of the Elements? You see, Twilight, when you were in your room moping, I was enjoying the party and I got to know these five a little better. Applejack, who would never lie to her friends even to spare their feelings, represents the Element of Honesty.” The respective shards started surrounding Applejack instead. “Fluttershy, who cares for the woodland creatures no matter how dangerous they are, represents the Element of Kindness.” Again, some of the shards left me to go to the respective pony. “Pinkie Pie, who spends everyday trying to spread happiness, represents the Element of Laughter.” Pinkie got some of the shards. “Rarity, who willingly gives her service and assistance to anyone in need, represents the Element of Generosity.” More shards went to Rarity. “And Rainbow Dash, who wouldn’t give up her friendships even for a chance to join the Wonderbolts, represents the Element of Loyalty.” The last of the shards went to Rainbow.
“But you still don’t have the sixth Element,” Night Mare said. “The spark didn’t work.”
“But it did,” Twilight said. “A different kind of spark. I felt it when I heard all of you coming, when I realized how happy I was to see you all. A spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all are my friends!” When she said that, a weird crown thing appeared and landed on her head. “You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the... the spark , that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of... magic !” Then the Elements activated in a rainbow of magic and Night Mare Moon received the full blast of it, turning her into a regular pony.
They all gave confirmations of their status. Then AJ said, “Y’know, I reckon you were right, Síor. ‘Bout us represen’n’ the spirits o’ the Elements an’ all.”
“Indeed he was,” a majestic sounding voice said. The sun raised and a white unicorn-pegasus with a sun on her ass appeared. Thanks to everyone else in the room saying her name, I found out that this was Princess Celestia. “Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student. I knew you could do it.”
“But,” Twilight said, “you told me it was just an old pony’s tale.”
“I told you to make some friends, nothing more. I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon's return and I knew it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her, but you could not unleash it until you let true friendship into your heart. Now if only another will as well. Princess Luna! It has been 1000 years since I have seen you like this. It is time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister.”
The rest of the group said, “Sister?” in a confused manner.
I took that as a reason to speak up. “Well, yeah, what did you expect. Twilight, you read the myth. The two sisters that ruled, the younger one becoming Night Mare Moon. Surely a smart pony like yourself would’ve put two and two together. Celestia and Luna were the sisters of the legend.”
“Síor,” Rarity whispered, “you really should call them by their titles.”
“I don’t give a fuck about titles,” I said. “To me, titles that someone is born with are meaningless, nothing more than a way to ingrain respect into the populace. In my opinion, someone should have to work to earn respect, not be born with it.”
“You must be the human Twilight had told me about,” Celestia said.
“Yep, that’s me,” I confirmed. “Name’s Síor.”
“Well, Síor, when this is all cleaned up, I would like to have a word with you. Now then, Luna, will you accept my offer and rule with me?”
“I’m so sorry! I’ve missed you so much big sister!” Luna said before hugging her sister.
“Hey! You know what this calls for?” Pinkie asked.
“What does this call for, Pinkie?” I asked her.
“You have to wait until I get it set up and then I’ll yell what it is when it starts.”
“Um, ok…” Pinkie.
We left the building to go back to Ponyville. Pinkie busied herself doing something, supposedly setting up whatever it was that this calls for. After a few hours of that she screamed, “A party!!!”
“You realize you just took about four hours to answer a question,” I said.
“Really? It felt like it only took a second.”
“Whatever, where’d Rarity go, I need to talk to ‘er. Fucking dialect!”
“What’s wrong with the way ya speak?” AJ asked.
“Where I’m from, talking like that has negative stereotypes,” I explained. “The dialect is typically associated with people who aren’t intelligent. With my job, being a scientist, you don’t want anyone thinking you’re not smart, so I made sure I lost the dialect but it still slips through every now and again.”
“Huh. Yer kind don’t sound too nice if they judge ya just by how ya speak,” she said.
“Eh, c’est la vie.”
“What does that mean, Sísí?” Pinkie asked.
“First of all, don’t call me that. To answer your question, it means ‘such is life.’ Now, where’s Rarity?”
“I think she was talking to the Princess,” Pinkie said.
“Which one?”
“Oh, Princess Celestia. I forgot there are two of them now. Silly me!”
“Cool, I can kill two birds with one stone.”
“But why’d you ever wanna kill two cute little birdies?”
“It’s an expression. It means doing two things in one action.”
“Oh, well why didn’t you just say so?”
“I thought I did. Whatever, you go enjoy the party, I need to talk to Rarity and then Celestia.”
“Bye-bye Sísí.”
I ignored her ignorence--a word I made up (though no one has recognized it as a real word yet) that means the act of ignoring--of my request to not be called that and continued on to find the two ponies I needed to talk to. I found them at a picnic table eating some cupcakes. “Hey, Rarity, Celestia, can I talk to you two?”
“But of course, Síor,” Rarity said.
“Anything for my favorite human,” Celestia added.
“Celestia,” I said, “I’m the only human you know, and the only human alive, for that matter.”
“All the more reason to be my favorite.”
“Whatever. Rarity, when do you think you can get my clothes done, I don’t much like walking around in just a cloak and I’m not much for sleeping nude.”
“Now, Síor. These things take time. I’ve never made clothing for a human before. If you truly are in that much of a hurry, I can get you the first outfit in as soon as two days.”
“Fuck. Fine, if that’s really the best you can do, I suppose I can wait. Now, Celestia, I believe you wanted to talk to me.”
“Yes, but that can wait until tomorrow. For now, let us enjoy the party.”
“Whatever, where do you wanna meet then?”
“I would like you to meet me in my sitting room in Canterlot.”
“Yeah, I have no clue where Canterlot is, let alone your sitting room.”
“Very well, I will teleport you there when the time comes. However, in order to do that, I need to get your teleportation trace.”
“The fuck does that mean?” I asked before I was suddenly teleported a yard away. I stepped back and she answered my question.
“To answer your question, I can only teleport things that I can’t see if I have teleported them before. The same goes for all unicorns and alicorns.” I’m assuming an alicorn is what I’ve been calling a unicorn-pegasus. “Now that I have teleported you, I will be able to do so from almost anywhere in the world. Likewise, I will now be able to teleport to you from almost anywhere.”
“Huh, cool. Well, if that’s all you needed, I shall see you tomorrow.”
“Indeed. So long for now, Síor.”
Chapter 5--Princess Celestia
Chapter 5--Princess Celestia
The next day, I got a letter from Celestia. I unrolled the scroll and read it. Dear Síor, I have an hour block open in which I may speak with you. I will allow you up to ten minutes to prepare yourself. Send a reply when you are ready. --Princess Celestia. “Hey Spike, could you send a reply? Dear Celestia, Can I bring Qene? Love your favorite human, Síor. ” He sent it and I busied myself getting my stuff together. That didn’t take long since I didn’t exactly have anything to my name except the shirt on my back. Actually, I didn’t even have that. Have I mentioned that I absolutely hate sleeping nude?
After a few minutes, Celestia sent a reply via Spike. He grabbed it from the air and read it. “Dear Síor, From what I understand, Qene is your manticore. I do not have his teleportation trace yet so in order for him to get here, he would have to come manually. I don’t think the ponies of Canterlot would much like a manticore showing up on a train unattended. Another option would be for you to fly him to Canterlot but you would have to know how to get here. It’s up to you. --Princess Celestia. ”
“Reply to her, Dear Celestia, I’ll just fly him up. I’m sure Twilight can show me the way. LYFH, Síor. ”
“Hey Síor, why do you always make me write your letters? You have hands, too,” Spike said.
“Yeah, but there’s only one person alive that can read my handwriting without having to strain and that’s me.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
“Trust me, it is. It took my own mother a few years to be able to read it and that’s only because she was my english teacher so she had to learn how to read it. Most of my friends could read it too but they had to practice reading it. Besides, they’re all dead now. And possibly in another dimension for all I know.”
When I finished my moping, a reply came from Celestia and Spike read it. “Dear Síor, Very well. I will have some guards sent to meet you when you get here and they will take you to my sitting room. I look forward to our talk. --Celestia. ”
“Heh, she’s already dropping the title for me. Where’s Twilight? I need her to show me how to get to Canterlot.”
“I think she’s down in the lab.”
“This place has a lab?”
“Yeah, it’s in the basement.”
“...This place has a basement?”
“You don’t explore much, do you?”
“I swear I explored every inch of this place and I didn’t see any basement.”
“Well, you probably weren’t looking close enough. The basement door is right there.” He pointed to a door by the stairs.
“Was that always there?” I asked, walking over to it.
“As long as I can remember.”
“Huh. Well, I’m gonna go talk to Twilight now. You can go back to doing fuck all.”
“Um, what does that mean?”
“Just do whatever.” I went down into the basement lab that seemed to have appeared just so Twilight had somewhere to be. “Twilight, you down here?”
“Síor, is that you?” I heard her ask.
“The same. Why are all the lights turned off?”
“Because I’m doing an experiment with an extremely light-sensitive substance.”
“Whatever. Can you show me how to fly to Canterlot? I want to bring Qene but Celestia doesn’t have his trace yet.”
“You should be able to see the capitol if you’re just standing outside. It’s attached to a cliff on the distant mountains.”
“That far, huh? I don’t know if Qene can make that trip.”
“Don’t worry, Síor. Manticore wings are the second strongest in the world. Only dragons have stronger wings.”
“Huh, ok. I’ll be off then.”
“Be respectful around the Princess, Síor. She’s royalty after all.”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it.” I left to get Qene. We had to designate an extra room to him with an extra large door leading directly outside because he was so big. Once I got him, we left to Canterlot.
The flight took about ten minutes and once we got there I saw a pair of royal-looking guards. They came up to me and one of them said, “The Princess is waiting for you.”
I felt like being a smart-ass so I said, “Which one?”
The guy looked dumbfounded for a second before saying, “Princess Celestia.” Quieter he said, “Still need to get used to that.” I followed them to what was obviously the castle. They led me to a door and told me to go inside. When I entered, I saw that it was a very simple sitting room. There were a couple chairs, which I had no idea how a pony would even use, and a couch with a white alicorn on it. I sat down in one of the arm chairs and waited for Celestia to start talking. Qene went to a corner to lie down.
“Síor, I believe it was,” she said when we were settled.
“Yep, that’s me,” I replied.
“Tell me, how did you acquire a manticore as a pet?”
“Well, we were in the forest and he was blocking our way. I noticed a thorn in his paw and pulled it out. Then he adopted me as his owner.”
“I see. Do you know why I called you here today?”
“Because you didn’t want to wait until tomorrow when I would have proper clothes on.”
She was slightly taken aback by my answer but overcame her shock quickly enough. “No, I called you here to discuss your presence in this world.”
“Hey, if I could leave, I would. But as it is, I’m stuck here.”
“Actually, I’m glad that you are. Your residence in Ponyville might be enough to break the xenophobia that the ponies have.”
“Or it might increase it. Either way, I’m not making any efforts to fit in or get people to like me.”
“That is fine, your existence is all that I ask. There is another matter I would like to discuss, though.”
“Go for it.”
“About 1000 years ago, my sister and I faced a villain known as Discord. Do you know anything of him?”
“Well, my first day here I was stuck in a library so I started reading history books so I could get an idea of what this world is all about. I found many history books. They all said that Discord was a creature of immense power that ruled Equestria in an eternal state of chaos until you and Luna stood up to him and used the Stones of Power, or Elements of Harmony as they are now known, to turn him to stone. All but one of them said that. The other one mentioned something about a deal made between you and him and how he tore apart your family.”
“It is the one that is different that is most important for it is the only one that is true. 1000 years ago, Discord visited me after imprisoning my cousin, Starswirl the Bearded, for meddling in Discord’s business. He made a deal with me. He explained that after living for billions of years he wanted to die but he couldn’t. He said that he came into being with the humans, the first sentient race, and has lived ever since. He continued saying that he had a master plan for his own death. This plan involved tearing my family apart to leave only me. He also said that I was a major part of his plan. He mentioned a human as well. A single human that he kept from extinction. I have reason to believe that human is you. He told me that he would break free from his stone prison one year after I was reunited with Luna. In this time, I want you to learn as much as you can about him.”
“You said he couldn’t die. Why is that?”
“Immortality is granted for many reasons. Discord exists because chaos exists. Until there is no longer chaos in the world, or even the universe, Discord will live. This is my theory at least. He did not tell me specifically why he couldn’t die.”
“Why did you cover up the deal?”
“That was done on Discord’s command. He wanted himself portrayed as the most evil villain ever. He explained that it was part of his plan. I left one history book untouched in the Canterlot library in hopes the Twilight Sparkle would one day find it.”
“Why Twilight? What’s so important about her?”
“Well, for one, she represents the Element of Magic.”
“And if the history book that’s different is correct, that’s a lie.”
“You catch on quickly. The Elements of Harmony, or Stones of Power, were created by Discord to be used against Discord himself. The ‘spirits’ of the Elements are nonexistent. Anypony can wield them. The tricky part is that nopony knows how the Element of Magic is obtained. When I got it, Discord gave it to me and I suspect his handiwork in its appearance in the ruins.”
“Why do you think he did it? And how could he have done it, isn’t he trapped in stone?”
“Yes, but I have reason to believe that he still has some influence while in his stone prison. Certain goings-on recently have not made much sense and his 1000-year prophecy came true to the day. Surely, that must be his doing.”
“My name’s not Shirley. But you make a good point. So, what’s my role in all this?”
“Well, first you must know that I was not missing when Night Mare Moon appeared. I was in hiding because I needed to make sure events happened as they needed to. I was watching you and the Ponyville mares when you went into the forest. Twilight was right in saying that you represented each of the Elements. And I theorize that, due to your existence being the work of Discord, you could summon the Element of Magic at will if you so desired. I suspect that your continued existence is so that Discord can have you represent each of the Elements and have their powers transfer to you.”
“An interesting theory but where’s your proof, how do you know it’s not just some crazy coincident?”
“I don’t know, I have no proof. Ever since that day 1000 years ago, I have been trying to piece together Discord’s plan but I can never make any definite conclusions because there is never any proof. Day in and day out I theorize different possibilities but the truth is I simply don’t know.”
“Well, I will help you in theorizing but as you said, there is no definitive proof. I will do as you ask and learn about Discord as much as possible but I can’t promise any result. Is there anything else you needed?”
“There was one more thing. Every spring, the delegates from the different nations meet for a grand party in a pre-selected major city. My ponies are known for being intolerant to other species so I was wondering if you could come with me this time.”
“Perhaps. It’s not for many months, though. A lot can happen in that time. Where’s it supposed to be?”
“Mareidian.”
“Using my internal translator of these fucktarded pony puns, I’m going to assume that’s Meridian. If so, which one, I remember there being a lot of Meridian’s in my time, if this is in fact the same world.”
“Mareidian, Idahoof. It’s Equestria’s main potato export.”
“Huh, even after billions of years, Idaho is still only known for potatoes. Oh well, it’ll be nice to return to my home town. I haven’t been home for eight years, plus a few billion I guess.”
“You’re from Idahoof?”
“It was known as Idaho in my time, but yeah. If I’m not doing anything else in nine months, I’ll come with you.” Heh, nine months. I could knock a girl up and start a family in that time. If all the girls weren’t fucking ponies, that is.
“Splendid. That is all I needed from you. You may leave whenever.”
“Can I talk to Luna?”
“She’s sleeping now, if you wish to speak with her, you will have to wait until she wakes up tonight.”
“Right, princess of the night, forgot about that.”
“And in any matter, she is not accepting guests yet, I would like to properly situate her into modern society before I allow her to see the citizens.”
“How long will that take?”
“Hopefully no more than a few months but it’s hard to say. She’s been gone for 1000 years, everything is different for her.”
“I suppose that’s true. Well, until we meet again.”
“Until then, Síor.”
We left and returned to Ponyville that evening, just in time to stay up for six more hours and go to sleep at 2 am. Fucking insomnia.
Chapter 6--Meeting the Doctor
Chapter 6--Meeting the Doctor
Over the next week, I tried doing some research on Discord. That effort was quickly ended when I realised that I could only gain more knowledge by reading the history of the other sentient species that apparently exist on this world. Unfortunately for me, the only way I could meet other species is if I wait until the Mareidian party or seek them out myself. Twilight has allowed me to leave the library without her but I still can’t leave town unless she’s with me. That means I can’t explore the Everfree like I wanted to do. So instead, I just wandered around town for some time.
On this particular day, I ran into a mare known as Derpy. I only knew who she was based on what others have said about her. Apparently she worked for the Equestria equivalent of UPS, Pegasus Packers. She was a notorious cluts and her unfocused eyes were a physical example of that. I’ve asked many people--or ponies--how her eyes got that way but they all seem to ignore the subject. But I digress. When I ran into Derpy, she appeared to be off-duty so she was volunteering to help patch up the town hall. Of course, having a clumsy person like her trying to fix something usually ends in the something being more broken than before.
“Hey Derpy,” I yelled up to where she was holding a hammer on the roof.
“Hi Síor!” she yelled back waving the hoof that was somehow holding the hammer. She waved it so hard that it flew out of her hoof that it had somehow stayed in until then and flew through the roof that she was working on, causing even more damage.
“How’d you know my name?” I asked, honestly confused.
“Oh, the Doctor told me,” she answered.
“Doctor? Doctor Who?” Being a sci-fi fan, I was giggling internally when I asked that question.
“Oh, you haven’t met him yet? I always get time mixed up with him. I can introduce you to him if you want.”
“Sure,” I said, already theorizing what this could be. If this turns out to be a pony version of The Doctor, that would be both weird and awesome.
She flew down shakily and landed with a thud next to me. She then led me to a blue police box and then I knew my theory was correct. We went into the bigger-on-the-inside TARDIS and I saw what looked like a pony version of Matt Smith--the 11th incarnation of The Doctor (12th if you include John Hurt)--standing at the console. “Hello, Síor,” he said.
“Hi, Doctor,” I responded.
“Ah, so you do know who I am.”
“Sort of. I know that there was a television show in my time that starred a human version of you.”
“Those were all actors with a stunning similarity to each of my incarnations. I lived in a parallel dimension to yours. There was a hole in the fabric of space and time that connected our two worlds. The people at BBC saw this and began recording my journeys. What they didn’t see is what happened after my final humanoid incarnation died. I became a pony version of my first body. I traveled around much the same as I did in my humanoid forms. After billions of years, I decided to travel through the space-time hole into this universe. When I arrived on this side, I noticed that the inhabitants were ponies much like myself. This was 1000 years before today. I assisted ponies as I did humans. I became a good friend to Celestia and gained her trust enough for her to tell me about Discord. In return, I told her about myself. That is how I know you. Celestia told me that Discord let a single human survive and that his name was Síor. Obviously you being the only human left, you must be Síor. Derpy became my travelling companion for some time so she knows a bit about you as well.”
“So, let me get this straight. You’re real, you have a TARDIS, and now you’re a pony. So you could take me back to see the other humans.”
“I’m afraid not. My TARDIS seems to not want to run properly. Until I can figure out what’s wrong with her, I’m stuck. I suspect this is Discord’s doing. He needs you for his plan so he made sure you would be in this time and also that you would have no way of leaving this time period.”
“This Discord guy is really starting to get on my nerves.”
“Well, there’s one thing I don’t quite understand. If he’s trying to kill himself, and the only way to do so is to ensure all sentient life is dead, why did he let you live?”
“Beats me.”
“Well, if you find out anything, let me or Celestia know.”
“I’m already supposed to report to Celestia any findings about Discord.”
“Splendid!”
“Say, do you know about any other sentient species in this time?”
“Well, there’s the ponies, zebras, dragons, naga, some changelings, some sea creatures, dogs, griffons, minotaurs, sheep, goats, centaurs, onocentaurs, and satyrs. But that’s only what’s known.”
“Some of those are half human, how can none of the ponies have heard of humans?”
“An extreme case of historical cover-up coupled with none of the species knowing of their own true origins. The alicorns weren’t the only species created by man.”
“Interesting. Do you know where I might find some of these species?”
“Ponies, you already know are mainly in Equestria, which used to be the States, though there are colonies elsewhere. Zebras were originally from Africa, what is now the regions of Timbucktu, Djenneigh, Damarescus, and Manegolia, but since then they have moved to many places in the world. I believe there is one living in the Everfree. Dragons are a nomadic species but they are typically found in Russia, now the regions of Stalliongrad, Marescow, Maresaw, and Yacoltsk. Keep in mind that these are only the Equestrian names and they are typically not used by the native species. The naga are also nomadic but their home tribe is in Egypt which somehow maintained its name. Changelings live in several hives, the locations of which are unknown. Sea creatures live in just about any body of water, dogs typically live underground but there are some surface dwellers in various pony cities and they have a capital on the surface but its name and location are unknown to any that are not themselves dogs. Griffons live in Canada, which is now Gryphus. Minotaurs, centaurs, onocentaurs, satyrs, and goats live in Greece, which has also maintained its name. Sheep live in Israel, same name. All other places are either inhabited by nomadic species, widespread species, or nothing at all.”
“Well, thanks, Doctor. Now I just need to get Twilight to let me leave town.”
“You’re friends with Celestia, aren’t you?”
“Acquaintances at most, why?”
“Ask her for an exploration pass, I’m sure she’d be willing to give it if it’s for the sake of finding out more about Discord.”
“True, I’ll have to ask her. Thanks again Doctor.”
“Your welcome. Now, just make sure no one finds my TARDIS and I’ll be happy.”
“Will do.” I left to go back to my walk. It was nearing nightfall so I decided to go home. I needed to talk to Twilight anyways.
When I got back, I found Spike cooking dinner and Twilight in the lab again which I swear was not there unless its mentioned or there’s someone in it. I went downstairs to talk to Twilight.
“Hey, Síor. What do you need?” I think she has a crush on me, she never has that demeanor with anyone else.
“It’s about the food.”
“What’s wrong with the food, you said you could eat fruits and vegetables so it shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Yes I can eat fruits and vegetables but my main source of nutrition should be meat.” She shuddered at the word. “And Qene needs it too.”
“What are you suggesting then?”
“I need a way to hunt and a place to hunt in.”
She sighed. “I knew you would ask for that one day. I’ve been paying close attention to some of the ‘primitive’ weapons you talk about and I was able to make a crossbow. I couldn’t fire it because it wasn’t made for hooves but I was able to make sure that it does fire. I made twenty bolts for it as well. You can talk to Fluttershy and she will tell you where it is safe to hunt in the Everfree.” She gave me a very crudely made crossbow with twenty also crudely made bolts. At least they're real bolts and not just practice bolts.
“Thanks Twi,” I said, giving her a hug. She was surprised by the hug but eventually returned it. Noticing how dark it was, I decided to talk to Fluttershy in the morning so I went up to my room with a book to read until I was finally able to get to sleep.
A note from Discord.
Celestia was right in thinking that I still had some control and I have used that control to write in Síor’s journals in a special ink that only my followers can read. One such follower was the very same Doctor that Síor had visited earlier that day. From the very moment Síor walked into the TARDIS, I was watching the conversation, constantly whispering in the Doctor’s ear to make sure he didn’t give anything away. Yes, 1000 years ago I had created the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I and he was a member. Of course, he didn’t know I was the true leader. For all he knew, the leader was the famed Lusitano Mistress. Only she knew the true purpose of the Cult. But I digress. I took on the Mistress’s voice in my whispers to ensure the Doctor didn’t give away my secrets. He knew much more than he told but I couldn’t let Síor know too much just yet. His role in my plan is yet to come. Once Síor had left, I gave him an approving word and left his mind until next time.
Chapter 7--Meeting Zecora and the Ticket
Chapter 7--Meeting Zecora and the Ticket
Twilight finally allowed me to leave town, if only to hunt in the Everfree Forest. The crossbow wasn’t made very well, it shot but not along the sights. I was adjusting the sights to line up with the actual shot when we--Qene and I--came upon an interesting looking hut inside a tree. I looked at Qene to get his unspoken opinion on the place. I’ve noticed that he seems to have some amount of sentience but he’s not able to communicate verbally with other sentient beings. He did, however, give me a gesture that basically said, “Why not?” We went over to the hut and I knocked on the door.
After a few seconds, a zebra answered it. “What is this, to my surprise? A manticore before my eyes,” she--as I assumed by the voice--said.
“And a human,” I said.
“I have studied creatures aplenty, but none quite as unusual as thee.”
“I’d imagine not. Humans have been considered extinct for billions of years. It was only by pure chance that I survived. Name’s Síor, by the way.”
“I am Zecora. Why do you stare with awe?”
“You keep rhyming, why is that?”
“The rhymes are a curse set upon me. I must travel far if I wish to be free. Further south than Mexicolt, if this curse I wish to molt.”
“Huh. Well, that’s unfortunate. I was wondering, do you have any zebra history books I can read?”
“The history of zebras is forbidden to know, not for the eyes of an average Joe. For what purpose do you seek? Tell me that and I may speak.”
“I’m trying to find information on Discord.”
“Of Discord I have heard. From whom about him were you referred?”
“Celestia wanted me to find out as much about him as possible because he’s supposed to come back in a year. All I know now is that he has a master plan supposedly to kill himself but neither I nor Celestia know any details.”
“I’m afraid I can help you no further. Any more information has long since been blurred.”
“Damn. Oh well. It was nice meeting you Zecora. If there’s anything I can help you with, just let me know.”
“Now that you mention it, there is something I need to get. An herb from Ponyville I do not own. But the ponies avoid me for reasons unknown.”
“So you’re looking to get accepted in town, huh?”
“If acceptance is what I need, your advice I will heed.”
“Well, you could go to town with me.”
“I assume that innuendo was not intentional. No matter, let us not stall.”
“That one was iffy.”
“The quality of the rhymes I do not control. That is chosen without my poll.”
“And that one didn’t make perfect sense. Whatever. Shall we go?”
“I sense that you came for another reason. What brought you here this season?”
“I actually came to hunt but I ran into your hut. I don’t suppose you know where I might find a good source of meat, do you?”
“If meat is what you desire, you’ll have to travel higher. Constantly hunted animals live in the hills, unless you wish for something with gills. Fish can be found in most waters, but beware of the sea serpent’s daughters.”
“Steven Magnet has daughters? How’d a gay guy like him manage that?”
“He is the son of the original snake. It is his sisters that will make you quake. They are far larger and not as nice. None have been known to come across them twice.”
“I assume that’s because they all die the first time.”
“Hey, that’s cheating.”
“Head shakes and nods require no rhyme. They are loopholes that save me time.”
“Eh, whatever. Let’s go.”
We went to AJ’s farm first since it was right by the forest and I knew I could find Twilight there as well. She was helping AJ with something and wouldn’t be done until about midday. I found them in what AJ and her family considered the east orchard. Personally, I couldn’t tell the difference between the orchards. It looked like one big orchard, but whatever.
“Hey, AJ, Twi,” I shouted when I got within earshot.
“Howdy Síor. What brings ya ‘round these parts?” AJ said.
“I was hunting in the Everfree when I came upon a small hut,” I answered.
“Somepony lives in the Everfree Forest?” Twilight asked in awe.
“I hope you ain’t talkin’ ‘bout Z-zecora,” AJ said.
“The same. You heard of her?” I asked.
“Who’s Zecora?” Twilight asked.
“She’s a pony that lives in the Everfree Forest. She comes out once a month and comes inta town. She lurks ‘round the shops an’ digs at the ground then she just leaves,” AJ said.
“Yeah, she comes into town to get an herb but all the ponies are always hiding. And she’s not a pony, she’s a zebra,” I explained.
“A zebra?” Twilight asked. “What’s a zebra doing in the Everfree Forest?”
“Zebras are a very widespread species,” I explained. “She probably came here years ago and found the Everfree to be more like her homeland. So, you think you could help her get accepted in town?”
“I suppose we could do something about that,” Twilight said.
“Awesome. Zecora, you can come out now.” She came out from behind the tree I told her to stay behind.
“Hello pony folk. I have acquired the assistance of this bloke,” Zecora said.
“Yep, I’m gonna help her make some friends in town,” I said.
“Well, that shouldn’t be too hard,” Twilight said. “We just need to explain who she is to everypony. I’m sure a town wide postal note will do the trick, we just need to tell the mayor and she can make it happen.”
We started walking back to town when we ran into Spike. “Twilight, you got a letter from the Princess,” he said.
Being a smartass and also for the sake of correctness, I said, “Which one?”
“Uh, Princess Celestia,” he said. He held up the note for Twilight. “It regards Síor, too.”
“Something regarding me, huh? That’s either really good or really bad,” I said.
Twilight read the letter. “Her Grand Royal Highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria, is pleased to announce The Grand Galloping Gala to be held in the magnificent capital city of Canterlot, on the 21st day of August. She cordially extends an invitation to Síor and Twilight Sparkle plus one guest. ”
“What’s the Grand Galloping Gala?” I asked.
“The Grand Galloping Gala is the most high-class party in all of Equestria,” Twilight answered.
“Ugh, do I have to go?” I asked.
“Of course! Anypony with an invitation is practically required to go to the Gala.”
“Fine, but only if I can bring Qene.”
“Why do you always have to bring him everywhere you go?”
“He gets lonely without me.” I hugged my big kitty and he rolled his eyes.
“Síor, manticores are solitary creatures, they usually don’t have company except to mate. If it really means that much to you, you can see if Fluttershy will watch him for you. Meanwhile, I need to think about who I want to bring to the Gala with me.”
“Hey, Twilight. I’d like ta go to th Gala if ya don’t mind,” Applejack said. “I could set up an apple stand and raise some money for the farm.”
“Alright, Applejack. Would you--”
“Hold on a minute!” Rainbow Dash yelled from above.
“Rainbow Dash! You said you were too busy ta help me harvest apples. What were you busy doin’, spyin’?”
“No. I was busy napping.” She turned to Twilight and continued. “And I just happened to overhear you saying you had an extra ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Um, yes but--”
“The Wonderbolts perform at the Gala every year. If I had a chance to go, I could finally show them my stuff.”
“Sorry ta say this Rainbow, but Twilight here was already gonna take me,” AJ said.
“Well, if you both want to go, one of you could have my ticket,” I said.
“No, Síor. You’re going. I’ll have to decide who to give the ticket to but first, I need to take Síor to Fluttershy’s cottage.”
“Twilight, I can get there myself.”
“Well I’m coming with you anyways.”
“Whatever.”
When we got to the cottage, I knocked on Fluttershy’s door. After she didn’t answer for a few minutes, we assumed she was out with her critters. We found her in the back having a picnic. “Hey, Fluttershy,” I called.
“Oh, hello Síor, Qene, Twilight, and Zecora. Zecora!!” She hid behind a bear.
“Flutters, Zecora isn’t going to hurt you. I came to ask a favor. I was wondering if you would watch over Qene while Twilight and whoever she decides to bring drag me to the Grand Galloping Gala.”
She came out from behind the bear when I mentioned the Gala. “Twilight has an extra ticket to the Gala?”
“Don’t tell me you want to go, too,” Twilight said.
“It’s not so much the Gala as it is the world famous garden that surrounds the Gala. That night and that night alone will everything be in bloom and not to mention all the rare animals that live there, too.”
“Well, Twi, it looks like you got another one to add to your list of possible invitees.” She groaned. “So, if you don’t get to go, would you mind watching Qene for me?”
“I wouldn’t mind at all. Qene really is a gentle creature once you get past the ferociousness of him being a manticore.”
“True enough. Well, Twilight, where to next?”
“Why don’t we go to Sugarcube Corner, I’m rather hungry.”
Sugarcube Corner, for those who don’t know, is where Pinkie works and lives with the owners Mr. and Mrs. Cake. They mainly serve desserts but they have real food, too. And so we went to see Pinkie at Sugarcube Corner.
“Hey Sísí,” Pinkie said when we got to Sugarcube Corner.
“I thought I told you not to call me that,” I said.
“Aw, but it’s such a cute nickname.”
“Be that as it may, I don’t like it.”
“All the more reason to call you that, Sísí,” Twilight chimed in.
“Not you, too,” I complained.
“So, what brings you all here today?” Pinkie asked in her not-so-serious tone.
“Twilight’s hungry. And I’d like you to meet a new friend of mine. This is Zecora.”
“It’s the evil enchantress!!!” Pinkie screamed before running into the kitchen.
“I’ll go get her,” I said. I went into the kitchen and found her hiding behind a cake that she had been eating. “Pinkie, Zecora’s not evil and she’s not an enchantress, she’s an herbalist. And she’s my friend so I would appreciate you being nice to her.” She nodded and we went back out to the dining room.
“So, Twilight what can I get you?” Pinkie asked.
“Can I get a salad please?”
“Sure thing. Would you like something Zecora?”
“Some hay fries would do me nice and perhaps some tea with ice,” the zebra responded.
“Coming right up.” She went back to the kitchen.
I followed her because I wanted to see how the hay fries were made. As it turns out, they're basically just like french fries but made from hay instead. “Hey Pinkie.”
“What’s up Sísí?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to learn some new recipes. I still remember a few vegetarian recipes from my short time working in the food industry.”
“Sure thing, but why did you wait until now to ask me?”
“Because I just thought about it now.”
“Hey, since we’re talking of thing we just thought of now, how’d you like to try some of my special cupcakes?”
“What’s so special about them?”
“It’s a surprise, silly!”
“Eh, why not?”
“Yay!”
I went back to the dining room and she followed a few minutes after with a salad, some hay fries, a glass of ice tea and about fifty cupcakes. “There is no way I’m eating all those,” I said. “That much sugar would give me diabetes.” Is diabetes even a thing in Equestria?
“Aw, come on.”
“I will have at most ten.”
“Fine.” She quickly picked ten cupcakes for me to try and set them on a platter in front of me.
I grabbed the first one and tasted it. It tasted like a combination of strawberry and apple but there was something else I couldn’t quite place. “Not bad,” I said. “A little more sugar than I’m used to. I think I’ll take the other forty-nine to go. What’s the secret ingredient though?”
“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret, silly!”
“Fair enough. But if I find out that it’s something I wouldn’t willingly eat if I knew, then you’re gonna get a shitload of hurt. You done yet, Twi?”
“All finished. Thanks Pinkie.”
“No problemo.”
“Hey Pinkie, do you know who Twilight should give her extra ticket to the Gala to?” I asked.
“Twilight has an extra ticket to the Gala? Well, she should take me of course!”
“Not helpful, Síor,” Twilight said.
“Sorry. Hey, Pinkie, she’ll think about it. Bye for now.”
“Bye-bye Sísí.”
Our next stop was Rarity’s boutique. Twilight needed to see if she was willing to make a dress for her and I needed to see if she was done with my clothes that she said she would have ready about a week ago.
We went in and the door rang. “Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic unique and magnifique!” Rarity said when we walked in.
“Hey Rarity,” I said.
“Oh, Síor and Twilight. What brings you here today?”
“Well, Twilight wants to know if you could make her a dress for the Grand Galloping Gala and I was wondering if you were done with my clothes yet. You said you’d have at least one outfit done about a week ago.”
“Ah yes, your clothing is done. I just finished it earlier today. I would have had it done sooner but I’ve been swamped with orders for the Gala. It’s all in the back if you wish to try it on. As for you, Twilight, I would be honored to make a dress for one of my greatest friends for the Gala. I design ensembles for the Gala every year but I never get the chance to go. So I’ll make an extra special ensemble for you in my place.”
That’s all I heard before the door to the dressing room cut them off. I found five shirts, five pairs of pants, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks and three jackets. I also saw what looked like a suit that I knew was meant for me because it clearly wouldn’t fit a pony. I tried on a pair of pants--after making sure the underwear worked-- and a shirt. The shirt was clearly cotton, it was a plain black t-shirt with the breast pocket as requested. The pants weren’t denim but they were a close replacement material. I grabbed a pair of socks and put them on as well. Next, I put on a jacket. It wasn’t a wonderful leather jacket that I would have loved but when the main populace of the world is vegetarian, one should not ask for leather.I grabbed the rest and stuffed them in the magic bag that Twilight gave me. I say magic because it was able to hold much more than the outer dimensions showed. Bigger on the inside, if you will. Currently in it was all the cupcakes from earlier, all my stuff from home, and now all my clothes. I couldn’t find any shoes so I went out to ask Rarity where they were.
“Please Twilight?”
“I don’t know Rarity. I don’t think I’m ready yet.”
“Oh, come now, it’s not that hard.”
“For you, maybe. I’ve never had to do this before.”
“It’s easy, just put your hoof there and just ease it along.”
“Like this?”
“Yes, that’s wonderful. Try going a little faster.”
“How’s that?”
“You don’t want to go too fast now, you might hurt it.”
I walked in with a huge grin on my face. “Hey ladies, whatcha doin’?”
“I’m just teaching Twilight how to use a sewing machine,” Rarity answered.
That killed the mood. “Oh, ok. So, Rarity, where’s the shoes?”
“Ah yes. They were a little more difficult but I think they’ll do.” She pulled out a pair of shoes from a box and gave them to me. “Go ahead, try them on.” I did so and they fit perfectly. “Oh how wonderful. I assume you got my surprise as well?”
“If you mean the suit then yes. And just in time for the Gala that I’m being forced to go to.”
“You got a ticket, too? Now I really wish I could go.”
“Twilight has an extra ticket that she hasn’t given away yet.”
“Nor have I decided who to give it to and Síor constantly telling everypony about it isn’t helping,” Twilight said.
“Hey, if all your friends want to go, why don’t you just ask Celestia for more tickets?” I asked her.
“One does not simply ask for more tickets to the Gala.”
“Fine, if you won’t ask her, I’ll ask for you. Spike, take a letter. Dear Sunbutt, Twilight’s being stupid again and won’t suck it up and ask you for some more tickets to the Gala so all her friends can go so I’m asking for her. Also, if you’re gonna make me go, can I bring Qene? Love, Síor. ”
“It’s sent,” Spike said.
“Good. Now we just need to wait for a response.” Just when I said that, Spike belched a scroll and read it.
“Dear Síor, I absolutely despise nicknames, especially those that are meant to be demeaning. I will grant Twilight four more tickets and another one for Spike as well. I suppose you can bring Qene but he must be kept in the garden with the other animals. --Celestia. Five more tickets to the Gala.”
“See? Problem solved,” I said.
“Thanks, Síor,” Twilight said.
“Hey, someone’s gotta be around to keep you from being stupid.” She glared at me. “We should probably head home now, it’s getting late.”
“Yes. Good-bye Rarity.”
“Arrivederci.” Since when did Rarity speak Italian?
We went home and I proceeded to carry out my usual nightly ritual of doing fuck all until I fell asleep. Insomnia is very boring without technology to entertain me.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Author's Note
Trying to think of funny stuff to put in the Author's Notes that weren't written before I put in the Google Docs links. So, random innuendo jokes. What starts with C ends in T and is filled with a white milky fluid? Coconut. What starts with F ends in K and comes with a lot of heat and excitement? Firetruck. What's long and hard and full of semen? A boat. Now go fuck yourself.
Google Docs:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PVEVCJZ6qbgFY0p_Dk7ek0VR9m5uhjOBrxmdlvjq5C0/edit?usp=sharing
Chapter 9--Griffins
Chapter 9--Griffins
I’ve noticed something while reading through some of my journals. Interesting things seem to happen almost daily in my journals. That’s not actually true. I’ve had days where all I do is sit in the library and read. There’s days where I just lay in the field and watch the clouds be pushed by the pegasi. There’s days where I spend the entire day in the Everfree just hunting and watching the wildlife. I’ve discovered that manticores are essentially the kings of the forest because none of the other creatures have dared to try attacking me when I’m with Qene. There are some days when hunting is slow so I go around and collect fruits from the forest. There’s some interesting fruit in there, but I think my favorite is one that I’ve dubbed the White Strocoa Bean (I know, I’m terrible with names, shut up). It’s actually pink, despite the name but it tastes like white chocolate and strawberry. It’s shaped like a cocoa bean but it’s somehow already sweetened. There also the normal Strocoa Bean which tastes like regular chocolate and strawberry.
But one day, I met a new species of animal. This was not in the forest, but rather in town at one of Pinkie’s parties. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning. When I was born, I was a very quiet child. Everyone loved me and I didn’t cause any trouble. What, too far back? Fine, the beginning of this day then.
The day began much like any other. I woke up earlier than I wanted because Twilight didn’t believe in sleeping in.
“Come on, sleepy head, it’s time to get up,” she said.
“What time is it?” I grumbled, looking out the window at the barely dawning sun.
“It’s 6 in the morning, and it’s time to get up.”
“Fuck you, Twilight.”
“Any time, anywhere.” I never should have taught her crude humor.
“Shut up, I’m going back to bed.”
“Oh, no you’re not. Don’t make me get the bucket of water.”
I complied because I knew from experience that she actually would get a bucket of water and dump it on me. “Why are we getting up so early again?”
“I wanted to get a head start on my studying.” Seriously, does she do anything except study? I swear that pony needs to get laid. “Unless you had something better in mind,” she added, trying to sound seductive. Can she read my mind? I wonder...Twilight’s a fucking idiot. Twilight’s a fucking idiot. Huh, nothing.
“Nice try, but I’m still not fucking a pony. I’d much sooner stop being a human than fuck a pony.” I would come to regret that statement in time.
“I was only joking.”
“So, why do I have to be up this early?”
“Because, if I’m up, everyone in the house is up, too.”
“So where’s Spike?”
“He’s right there making break--” He was not making breakfast as Twilight was about to say. “Ugh. SPIKE!!”
We heard a loud crash from upstairs and a few minutes later, Spike came falling down the stairs. He got to making breakfast like a good little servant and we ate. “Well, if you don’t need me to do anything, I’m gonna go hang with Fluttershy,” I said when my plate was cleared.
“And I’m gonna go help Rarity,” Spike said, much too enthusiastically.
“What are you helping Rarity with?” I asked.
“Whatever she needs help with,” he replied.
“Whatever. See you guys later.” I left the kitchen to get Qene before heading out.
I didn’t really have a reason to see Fluttershy, she was just the first one to pop into my head when I was thinking of an excuse to not be there while Twilight was studying. Trust me, you do not want to be there when she’s in the zone because she will make you do something for her within ten seconds if you don’t leave. Anyways, Qene and I went to see what Fluttershy was up to today. To be honest, I liked her the most out of all the ponies. She was the nicest and she was always self-sacrificing, putting others before herself. And on top of that, she wasn’t as stupid as some of the others. Of course she was also insufferably naive but I could fix that.
As it turned out, she actually did have something to do today. “Oh, Síor. Would you mind helping me with something?” she asked when she saw me.
“It depends, what do you need help with?” I knew it couldn’t be anything that I would say know to but I always make sure before agreeing to help anyone.
“Well, a bunch of baby ducks have just been born and I need to safely lead them to the duck pond.”
“How many we talking?”
“Well, there are ten families and each family had five to six hatchlings.”
“So that’s seven to eight, including the parents times ten would be seventy to eighty ducks. We’re not doing this in one trip are we?”
“No, of course not. I was going to take them one family at a time.”
“And where’s the duck pond at?”
“It’s on the other side of town.”
“Of course it is. So, you’re planning to make ten trips clear across town? I have a better idea. Why don’t we put them all in a big box and have Qene carry them all over?”
“They don’t like being in confined spaces.”
“No, of course not. So, what, we’re just gonna walk them all over?”
“That was the plan, yes. But with you and Qene here, I’m safe with taking two families at a time.”
“Alright fine, let’s get started then.”
And so we did. We lead ducks to and fro through town. We were on our last trip when Fluttershy ran into what looked like a griffin. There was some squabbling and the griffin roared in Fluttershy’s face which made her start crying and run off. I decided to step in because no one makes my friends cry. Have you ever wondered why no one is two words but someone and anyone are both only one word? Oh, right, the griffin.
“Hey, that wasn’t very nice,” I said.
“Yeah, what’s it to you,” she said. She sounded like the typical cool girl mixed with punk and goth. It got on my nerves.
“She’s my friend, that’s what it is to me. How’d you like it if someone roared in your face? Why don’t I show you? Qene roar.” The manticore beneath me roared louder than anything I have ever heard and easily louder than the griffin’s roar.
She didn’t look to happy about it. “Alright, fine. I’m sorry. You happy now?”
“Don’t apologize to me, apologize to Fluttershy. And anyone else you’ve wronged today.”
“Hmph, why don’t you make me?”
“Qene, death glare.” I assumed it worked because she complied and went to Fluttershy’s cottage to apologize.
I followed because I knew Flutters would never answer the door for her. “Fluttershy, there’s someone here that wants to tell you something,” I said through the door.
She opened the door but when she saw the griffin, she immediately shut it. Griffin-girl decided to just talk through the door. “Hey, look. I’m sorry for scaring you and roaring in your face.”
“And?” I said.
“And I got a short temper that I should work on.”
“And?”
“And I promise to never do it again.”
“And?”
“And...um, I don’t know what else to say.”
“I suppose that’ll do then. Whataya say, Flutters? Will you accept...what’s your name?” I asked the griffin girl.
“Gilda.”
“Will you accept Gilda’s apology?”
She opened the door and weakly said, “Yes.”
“Alright, Gilda. You’re free to go. Come on Fluttershy, let’s go find the ducks.”
We found the ducks quickly enough and took them to the pond. Pinkie Pie found us there and told us about a party so we went to Sugarcube Corner where it was being held. As it turned out, Gilda was an old friend of Rainbow Dash and she was in town to visit her and of course Pinkie used that as an excuse to throw a party. When Gilda finally got there, Pinkie shook her hand and Gilda was shock by the joy buzzer that Pinkie was somehow wearing. The party continued from there.
I was enjoying the pepper-laced lemon drops when Gilda came over to the snack table. “Hey, Gilda,” I said when I saw her come over, “Lemon drop?”
She took one and tried it. Clearly it was too hot for her. It seemed they were too hot for anyone except me and Pinkie. She ran over to the punch and tried to drink some before realizing that it was served in a dribble glass. She quickly found a real cup and drank from it.
Then the cake came out and, being the guest of honor, Gilda was given the privilege of blowing out the candles. We quickly found out that they were relighting candle which I still need to figure out how those work. She eventually gave up just in time for Spike to pop out of the top of the cake from his tunnel that he had ate out from the bottom and spread cake everywhere.
“Hey everypony,” Pinkie yelled, “It’s time for Pin the Tail on the Pony.” Of course Gilda wanted to go first. she was spun around by Pinkie and set en route for the board. But Gilda apparently didn’t trust Pinkie because she started going the other way. She slipped on some cake and slid to the punch table causing the punch bowl to spill all over her. And of course, that made her lose it. She started yelling about all the lame pranks which turned out to be set up by Rainbow Dash but before she got too riled up, she got a triple onslaught of death stares from Fluttershy, Qene, and me. That made her calm the fuck down and she started apologizing. After the party, I found her in the crowd to talk to her.
“Hey, listen,” I said. “I know these ponies can be, what’s the word, fucktarded and annoying sometimes but they’re nice folks once you get to know them.”
“Yeah, I think I’ll stick mainly to my griffin friends. But you’re not too bad to hang around. Especially with that manticore of yours. How’d you manage that anyways?”
“Pulled a thorn from his paw and he adopted me as his owner. I consider it more of a friendship than an ownership though, since he does seem to be sentient, even if he can’t communicate.”
“Huh, I never knew manticores were sentient.”
“Yep, so you think I could come to Gryphus sometime? Twilight won’t let me leave Ponyville except to hunt in the Everfree unless I have an official summons.”
“Well, I don’t know if I can get an official summons but I’m sure I can pull some strings to get you up there.”
“Sweet. You’re officially the best griffin I’ve ever met.”
“I’m the only griffin you’ve ever met.”
“All the more reason to be the best.”
She rolled her eyes before giving me a farewell and heading back to Gryphus. And thus ended another interesting day in Ponyland.
Chapter 10--Trixie
The next day, I was enjoying a nice walk through town when who should run past but a certain two young unicorns that were well known for causing trouble. Their names were Snips and Snails. I figured it would be the responsible thing to see what they were up to so I followed them to the town circle--that’s what I’m calling it from now on because it really isn’t a square and I despise deceptive names. As it turned out, there was a pony giving a magic show. And of course Twilight and her friends were being judgey judgemental judgeypants--dammit, Pinkie’s getting to me-- and didn’t like the ‘boasting’ that the pony was apparently doing. She didn’t like their judging so she handled it like any good showman would and challenged those hecklers to show their stuff.
AJ stepped up first and did some rope tricks. The ‘Great and Powerful Trixie’ one-upped that by hog-tying AJ, complete with an apple in the mouth. Dash went next, pulling off some aerial stunts and creating a rainbow above herself with water gathered from the clouds. Trixie topped that by tying her up with the rainbow because that’s apparently possible. Next was Rarity who did some sort of fashion thing. Trixie simply turned Rarity’s hair an ugly shade of green and she ran off crying about her hair. Then it was my turn. I walked up onto the stage and just said, “There, beat that.”
“Trixie doesn’t understand.” God, I hate people that speak in the third person about themselves. “What is The Great and Powerful Trixie meant to best you at.”
“Well, there’s a few things. There’s walking on two legs, there’s being a human, there’s taming a manticore, and of course there’s fucking being alive for billions of years.”
“Trixie will admit she is not able to do things that require a different form, but taming a manticore is nothing compared to taming and Ursa Major.”
“Twilight, what’s an Ursa Major?”
“It’s a dreaded creature as large as a mountain with claws sharper than anything.”
“Huh. Well, I guess you beat me there but you still can’t do all my humanness.”
“That is true. Shall we call it a draw?”
“Eh, fair enough. But you have no proof of vanquishing this Ursa Major so, make of that what you will.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie has no need to prove anything. She doesn’t need to prove that she is the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria!”
“Whatever.” I left to go back to doing fuck all.
However, it seemed that the troublesome two wanted proof as well. Snips and Snails decided that they would go get an Ursa Major and set it upon the town for Trixie to vanquish. So, there I was trying fruitlessly to get rid of the Ursa that Trixie had failed to vanquish because she was a total fraud. I used Qene to fly up near its head and tried shooting its eyes with my crossbow but I still haven’t perfected the aim on it and it’s really hard to aim when you’re on a flying manticore anyways. So the bolts hit a little high and that just pissed it off even more. And then the day was saved when Twilight used her OP magic to put the beast to sleep and floated it back to its cave.
Snips and Snails tried to run away but They were stopped by Twilight. “So, I hear you two are the one’s that brought the Ursa here.”
“Yeah,” Snips said. “We just wanted to see some awesome magic and you showed us that.” Twilight gave them the death stare. “We deserve whatever punishment you give us.”
“Well, for starters, you can clean up this mess. And, what do you think, Spike, should I give them number twenty-five?”
“Twenty-five? Oh, yes. And I think I deserve it too.”
Many ponies and I gave sounds of confusion at that. Twilight stood before the three of them and her horn lit up. When her magic was done, Snips Snails, and Spike all had mustaches. I landed next to them all.
“What about you, Síor? Would you like one too?”
“Nah, I prefer to grow mine the old fashion way, besides, I don’t trust magic and I don’t want anything I don’t trust on my face.”
“Suit yourself. Shall we head back to the library?”
“Sure, it’s late and you need to sleep.”
“So do you.”
“Yeah, yeah. I want to look at something first.”
“Fine.”
We walked back to the library and I parked Qene in the garage before setting about looking for that small piece of information I remember reading. The entire situation today seemed way to familiar. I quickly found what I was looking for. Celestia had sent me the journal of Clover the Clever, her cousin who traveled with Floriana and Animia on their journey to find the Stones of Power. I flipped through it until I got to the part I was looking for: Pie Town. The group had gone into Pie Town to find the Laughter Stone and they had to beat The Great and Comical Trixter in a comedy contest. The reason I was looking for this particular entry is because the events with Trixie sounded much to similar. I then flipped to a later entry that I remembered about their expedition into the Lusitano Caves where they met the Lusitano Mistress. The Mistress talked about how each of the previous owners of the Stones were a part of the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I. Most fucktarded name I’ve heard. One of those previous owners was the very same Trixter from Pie Town. The events today and the events 1000 years ago were very similar, even the names were almost the same. Surely it couldn’t be a coincidence. It made me wonder if this Cult was still around. And if it was, perhaps Trixie was a member. This gave me something to look into.
Discord again.
Trixie was in fact a part of my Cult. Of course she was a new member. Most of the members now were new members. The only original member that still lives is the Doctor. But I digress. Trixie was sent to Ponyville to observe the friendships of what Celestia is calling the Element Bearers, Twilight and her little friends. I am allowing the belief they have of their control of the Elements remain because I have a purpose for it later on. Anyways, I sent trixie to spy on them because there was only so much I could gain from my presence in Síor’s head. Of course he didn’t know I was there. How could he, I’ve been there since he was born. I’m the one that drove his passion for physics that led him the CERN where he could use the stasis chamber to survive until I needed him awake. But I’m getting off track. Trixie was sent to spy for me but she was not supposed to put on a show. Though I suppose that was a good way to test how well they stood up for each other but that’s not what I wanted to know.
When she ran from Ponyville to hide in the outskirts of the town, I visited her in her dreams.
Chapter 11--Thinking Sexy Thoughts
Chapter 11--Thinking Sexy Thoughts
I woke up this morning and had a mini-freakout because I wasn’t in the same place I normally wake up in. I don’t mean the difference of waking up in Equestria rather than my own bed. I had gotten over that after about a week. No, I mean waking up somewhere other than my room at the library. It seemed that I had come to Fluttershy’s cottage last night and never left. I replayed the events of yesterday to try and remember what happened.
The day started with Twilight freaking out about some shit that nobody else gave a fuck about. I tried telling her that nobody gave a fuck but I think she might be in heat--which is actually more like a human woman’s period than a mare’s heat, except for the super-horniness. I don’t know for sure because I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been in this crazy world and I don’t know much about heat cycles anyways. For all I know, she could just be being a woman. Either way, she wasn’t listening to reason. She just threw a lamp at me and I decided it was time to leave, making sure to take Qene with me so he didn’t have to deal with that hell. Thinking back, I probably should have grabbed Spike, too, but someone needs to be there to make sure Twilight doesn’t explode. And if she does explode, then to make sure she doesn’t explode again. I’m a terrible person, I know, but I don’t care.
So Qene and I roamed the town for a bit. I decided to go to Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack’s farm, because I was in the mood for something appley and they always gave me free stuff. Something about being a friend or some shit like that. Yes, I’m taking advantage of my friends. Yes, I’m a terrible person. No, I don’t care. So, I went to the farm and when I didn’t see AJ in the fields, I went to the farmhouse. It was Applejack’s younger sister Applebloom that answered the door.
“Hiya, Síor, what brings you ‘round here?” the yellow filly asked.
“I’m in the mood for something appley,” I replied.
“Well, you came to the right place. I got somethin’ appley right here.” She then turned around and displayed her purity to me.
I shook my head to rid it of my own perverted thoughts. “Come again.”
“I said, I got a big stash o’ fritters freshly made.”
“Sounds great.” I need to get my head out of the gutters. While she went to get the fritters, I took the time to look around a bit. It was a nice little house. Very homey. I noticed a collection of pictures on the mantle and went over to look at them. I saw an old family portrait and I recognized younger versions of the Apples I met on my first day here. Those that I didn’t recognize I found names for in other pictures. There were two, however, that I couldn’t find a name for. I looked around for another picture of them and found them in only one other. It looked like a family portrait of just AJ’s immediate family. I saw Granny Smith, Big Mac, AJ, and Apple bloom and the two mystery ponies. I looked on the back for names but saw that the two had been crossed out. All I could make out from each was ‘Apple.’ I wondered why AJ would try covering up her parents’ identities.
Applebloom returned with a shitload of fritters and we sat at the table while I ate. “What’s in these?” I asked. “There not like any apple fritters I’ve ever had.”
“They’re made from the finest zap apples,” she answered.
“What’s a zap apple?”
“Only the most delicious fruit in the world.” No match for my Strocoa beans, though. We continued in silence until she started interrogating me. “So, Síor. You’re pretty good at lots of stuff, right?”
“I guess, why?”
“Well, you know about cutie marks, right?”
“A bit. I know it’s a tattoo-like mark on a pony’s flank that illustrates xir ‘special talent’ and what xe’s meant to do with xir life.”
“Right. Before I ask my next question, what’s xir and xe?”
“Personal neutral pronouns. In English--or Equestrian, I guess--there are gender specific pronouns--he, she, his, her, him, her, himself, herself, his, and hers--but the only neutral pronouns--it, its, itself, and its, respective to the subject, possessive adjective, object, intensive, and possessive order. However, ‘it’ is generally used to represent inanimate objects and, on occasion, non-sentient animals. Thus, I have adopted the pronouns, in respective of the order: xe, xir, xem, xemself, and xirs to represent the personal neutral. Essentially, xe is the same as he or she, xir is the same as his or her, xem is the same as him or her, xemself is the same as himself or herself, and xirs is the same as his or hers. I have created these pronouns based on the cryptic symbol of an X which represents equality and a combination of each of the gender-specific pronouns.”
“Huh. Well, anyways, me an’ Twist are the last ones in my class that don’t have our cutie marks yet and I don’t wanna be the very last one so I was wonderin’ if you would help me get mine.”
“I would but I know nothing about you and honestly, I don’t really give a fuck about you. I’m just using you as a free food source.” Yeah, I’m blunt, deal with it.
“Howdy Síor. When’d you get here?” Applejack asked as she came down the stairs.
“About 20 minutes ago. Applebloom's been giving me her delicious appleiness,” I answered before remembering the interesting mental image I had when I arrived.
“Applebloom! Those fritters were fer sellin’!” she scolded the young filly.
“AJ, chill. I wish I could say I’ll pay you back but my money is worthless in this place so instead, I’ll let you have my share of the alcohol profits, if I determine it safe for public consumption.”
“That ain’t necessary. Consider it a gift, I s’pose. I just wish Applebloom woulda asked before given away our product.”
“Sorry, Applejack,” the filly apologized.
“Hey AJ,” I said. “How come none of the pictures on the mantle give the names of your parents?”
“Yeah,” Applebloom added. “Whenever I ask about that you always change the topic.”
Applejack gave a deep sigh. “I s’pose it’s time you knew. It happened not long after you were born, Applebloom. Ma and Pa farmed these fields much like we do now. One day, a strange doctor came to the house askin’ for them. Said somethin’ about shady nachos an’ before we knew it, they were gone.”
“Shady nachos, eh? You don’t think it was the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I, was it?” I asked.
“Now thatcha mention it I reckon that is what he said.”
“And this doctor guy, you didn’t happen to catch a name, did you?”
“This was years ago, Síor, all I remember is that he called himself the Doctor.”
“That’s all I need. Do you have any apple juice I can have?”
“Oh I got plenty of apple juice for ya, just lay down on the table and I’ll get it ready for ya.”
“What?”
“I said of course I got apple juice, we make apple products of all kind here at Sweet Apple Acres. It’s in the cellar, I’ll go get it.”
“That’s what I thought you said.” What is wrong with my fucked-up brain today. Heh, no pun intended. No! Stop it!
She got a few cases of bottled apple juice for me. “So, where you off to next?” she asked.
“Well, Twilight’s in one of her moods so I’ve been wandering the town all day. I need to talk to an old friend real quick and then I think I’ll head over to Fluttershy’s.”
“You seem to be spendin’ a lotta time with her, why is that?”
Because she’s the least crazy of all of you. “Let’s put it this way, if I were to ever get in a relationship with a pony--which I’m not looking to do any time soon so don’t ask” Although, if my mind keeps going the way it’s been going, it might happen sooner than I think. “--she would be my first choice.”
“You like her don’tcha?”
“I like anyone who hasn’t given me a reason not to like xem.”
“What’s xem?”
“Ask Applebloom, I’m leaving.”
I left to go find the Doctor. While a part of me was excited about getting to see a sci-fi legend again, another part of me was anxious to know just what kind of secrets he was hiding.
I found him in his TARDIS where he had been during our first meeting. “Hello Doctor.”
“Síor, unless you know how to fix that big uppy-downy thing, I am in no mood to talk right now.”
“Too bad, this is important.”
“Fine, just don’t touch anything.”
“Deal. Now tell me, what do you know of the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I?”
He hit his head on the thing he was under when he jumped in surprise. “How do you know that name?”
“You aren’t the only one with ties to the past. If you will remember, I have connections with the very same Princess Celestia whose sisters you helped out all those years ago. And Celestia just so happened to have her cousin Clover the Clever’s personal journal of the journey. And in that journal, he recorded everything that happened, particularly whilst he and his travelling companions were exploring the Lusitano Caves. The very same caves that were the headquarters of the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I. After meeting you, and after another important event, I reread that part and it mentions a certain Doctor being a member. So, I will ask you again. What do you know of the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I?”
He was visibly shaking in fear when I had finished. “I can’t tell you. My mistress would not approve of it.”
“Your mistress has been dead for nearly a thousand years.”
“But I heard her the last time we spoke.”
“If that is so, then I have a theory for that. But first, I need you to give me info!”
“I am sorry. Anyone--or anypony--who is accepted into the Cult is sworn to secrecy. My old mistress may be dead, but the Cult lives on.”
“Very well, how does one get into this Cult?”
“You must first talk to the current leader. Unfortunately, the current leader is unknown. All that is known is that he lives in what was once known as Antarctica.”
“Well, I have no way of going south--or even outside the nation--right now but I will travel to the pole when I get the chance. If I recall, you also recruit.”
“Recruitment is very rare, we only do so when our Master needs a specific pony either for his own purposes or just to be out of the way.”
“If he needs someone out of the way, why not just kill xem?”
“First of all, I don’t want to here you using personal neutral pronouns, they annoy me very much. But to answer your question, we do not kill and neither does our Master. At least not directly. We sometimes cause things to happen that result in deaths but it is for the good of the Cult.”
“Do you even know what your master is planning?”
“That information is known only by the Master himself.”
“So you’re in a Cult that sometimes does things that kill people and you don’t know the full motives of the leader?”
“Yes, but I was assured it was for the better of the world.”
“How thick are you?! Can’t you, of all people, see the malevolence behind all this?”
“I am aware of the risks, that is why I have joined the Cult.”
“So, you're in the Cult to try and figure out what the purpose of it is?”
“I never said that.” But he nodded as he said that.
“Are you being watched, or something?”
Another nod as he said, “Of course not.”
“Whatever, I got what I needed. If you need me, I’ll be at Fluttershy’s.”
I left to go to Fluttershy’s cottage. The door was answered by her bunny Angel somehow. He seems to have some amount of sentience because I think he has heard every word I’ve said about him. Which means he kind of has a grudge against me. That and he doesn’t like me spending so much time with Fluttershy. Despite what it may have sounded like when I was talking to Applejack, I actually had planned on coming to Fluttershy’s today. We had become good friends in the time that we’ve known each other and we arranged to get together once a week for tea. Anyways, when I asked for Fluttershy, he didn’t get her but instead just stood there trying to block me with his full nine inches of height. It’s a good thing I’m not a vampire because I just stepped over him and went in uninvited.
“Fluttershy, you here?” I called out.
“One moment Síor,” I heard her reply.
While I was waiting, I took the time o look around a bit. She had a very simple home with plenty of nooks for her animals. I wasn’t nearly as adept at caring for animals as she was but most of them seemed to like me. I noticed a calendar hanging on the wall and saw that it had a one week event each month labeled “Season.” I had seen this same kind of calendar in each of the other girls’ houses--except Rainbow Dash because she lives in a fucking cloud; talk about wanting your privacy. It was a heat calendar. I assumed they always left them in plain sight as a warning or some shit like that. Consequently, I noticed that today just so happened to be right in the middle of Fluttershy’s season. But that’s fine, Fluttershy would never try anything on me. Right? Please tell me I’m right.
She came out of the kitchen with a teapot and some snacks but there was something on my mind besides tea. “So, I noticed your calendar,” I said with a nod towards it.
“Oh yes, but don’t worry, I would never try anything on you, even when I’m in heat. And even if I would, this herbal tea is supposed to help me control my...urges.” She blushed slightly on the last word. I was actually surprised she wasn’t blushing up a storm at the sheer mention of her heat. I guess she’s gotten better at being more open about things.
We carried on in idle chat until Fluttershy excused herself to feed her animals lunch. I waited enjoying my tea and absentmindedly thinking to myself. After only a few minutes, she came rushing back spluttering something about smoke before running back out and into town. “Come on Qene, we better see what this is about.” The manticore got up from the rug and we exited out the bear door to follow Fluttershy into town.
Chapter 13--Canterlot
It’s strange when I look over my journals and realise that it seems that interesting things happen to me around every turn but in actuality there are many days in which very little happens. One particular day that comes to mind is when I went to Canterlot for the first time. And by that I mean actual Canterlot, not the palace. Unfortunately, this was not one of the uninteresting days.
I woke up to the sound of branches falling. Upon looking out my window--which was supposedly made unbreakable due to Dash’s continuous crashing through it--to see ponies pulling down branches from trees that weren’t there the day before. I got up to investigate. “TWILIGHT!!” I yelled through the building. Of course she didn’t answer because she was outside helping with the destruction of trees. I went out to ask her what the fuck was going on. She blushed at the sight of me. Probably because I wasn’t wearing anything but my underwear. In my opinion, as long as my dick was covered, I didn’t give a fuck if people--referring to any sentient being--saw me. “So, what’s going on here?” I asked her.
“Huh? Oh, um, the pegasi missed a scheduled drizzle last week so we need a heavy rain storm to make up for it,” she replied. “And of course heavy rain comes with lightning and wind so we’re taking down all the loose branches to ensure they don’t get blown around dangerously.”
“Whatever, what’s Spike up to, I don’t see him helping?”
“He’s getting ready to go to Canterlot. Princess Celestia called him out for something.”
“Can I go with him?”
“I suppose, but you’ll have to ask Princess Celestia first.”
“Sweet.” Any excuse to get out of helping. I went to track down Spike and found him in the library proper, grabbing a few books to take with him. “Hey Spike, could you send a letter to Celestia real quick?”
“Sure thing Síor,” he replied.
I cleared my throat and put on my best formal-voice impression. “My dearest Celestia, It would be ever so kind of you to allow me to accompany young Spike to Canterlot. I have yet to explore the wonderful capital city and I find this the finest opportunity to do so. With highest regards, Síor. ”
“Really?” he asked when the letter was finished and sent.
“What, I’m not allowed to have a little fun with my letters?”
He just let out a sigh which turned into a burp as the reply came. “Síor, Please cease with the mock-formality. I will allow you to come but I would appreciate you not bringing Qene. He drives fear in my subjects and I do not much like that. --C. Well, I’m ready if you are. ”
“Let me put on some more public appropriate clothing and then we’ll go.” I did so and when I got downstairs he sent a letter to Celestia telling her that we were ready for teleportation. As soon as it was sent, we were teleported away to the front of the palace. After a few seconds, I suddenly felt extremely nauseous and fell to the ground.
“First long-distance teleportation?” Spike asked. I nodded. “Yeah, it’ll pass.” And sure enough, it did and I stood back up. “See? Well, I gotta go see Princess Celestia. I’ll meet you in her sitting room tomorrow morning, I was told this would likely take all day so we’ll be sent back tomorrow.”
“A full day and night in Canterlot? Time to get wasted! Wait...fuck, no booze. Ah well. I’ll find some way of entertaining myself.” And with that we went our separate ways.
I wandered around for a few minutes until I saw someone who didn’t seem to be doing anything. I started walking over to what I assume was a him before two guards ushered me away saying something about ruffians not speaking with the prince. So that was Prince Blueblood. If he is this intolerant of commoners then he’s even more of a dick than I thought he was. Oh well.
I looked around for someone else. My eyes settled on a white unicorn mare with messy electric blue hair and purple shades. She looked like a party girl; just the kind of person I was looking for. I went to go talk to her.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the famous human,” she said when she saw me coming over.
“The one and only. Name’s Síor,” I told her.
“Vinyl Scratch, though most ponies know me by my stage name DJ Pon-3.” We started walking down a nondescript street. “What brings you to Canterlot, I thought you lived in Ponyville?”
“I do. The whole town is doing some community cleanup bullshit to prep for a storm and a friend of mine had to come here for some royal duties so it was either help clean or accompany him, I chose the latter. I despise manual labor. Too many Spring Break projects my mom made me help with.”
“At least you had a good relationship with your mom. My parents kicked me out as soon as I was legal age.”
“Dude that sucks. So what about you? Canterlot doesn’t exactly seem like the place for a DJ.”
“That’s true, I’m actually here for a similar reason to yours. Octavia decided to come a few weeks early for the Gala so she could scope out the stage to find the best acoustic spot. I told her she was paranoid but she gave me a look that told me to shut up.” I should mention that it was now early August, about two and a half weeks before the Gala. That also meant that my birthday was in a few days but there was no way in hell I would let Pinkie know that.
“So where are we going?”
“I was following you.”
“I was following you hoping you would lead me someplace fun.”
“Well, as hard as it may seem to find a fun place in Canterlot, I do know of one place that’s pretty cool. And as long as you’re with me, they should let you in.”
“Bitchin’ let’s go.”
She lead me down a few streets before turning into a dark alley. It was about noon so there was nothing overly conspicuous about walking down an alley. When we got to the end, she stopped in front of a brick wall. She stuck her horn in a hole and did some magic and a secret door open.
“That was both extremely cliche and totally awesome at the same time.”
She chuckled and said to the bouncer “He’s with me.”
The buff pegasus looked at me and then back to her before saying “Sure thing Miss Scratch.”
She thanked the guy whose name was apparently Bubbles and we walk over to what looked like a bar. She ordered some magical potion before turning to me to order. “I don’t suppose you have any alcohol?” I asked.
The bartender looked at me like I was crazy before saying “Alcohol is strictly outlawed in Equestria.” Tell that to Fluttershy. “However, we have many drinks that cause lessened but similar effects to all species thus far. I’m sure they would work just fine for you as well.”
“I won’t drink anything magical. I don’t trust magic at all but anything you got that’s not magical I’m willing to try.”
He pulled out a bottle from under the counter and poured me a shot to taste. “Try this.”
I down the thing. “Not bad, give me a glass of this stuff.” He complied and I turned to Vinyl. “I believe this is the start of a beautiful friendship.” She smiled at me before leading me over to a booth.
We talked about meaningless stuff while we drank until she asked “So, Síor, do you have a marefriend yet?”
Yellow light. “Look, you’re cool and all but I’m not really looking--”
“Oh, no no no. I’m not asking for me, I’m happily dating. I was just asking, y’know in general.”
“Well, in that case, no I do not and nor am I looking for anyone, especially not in the pony variety, no offense.”
“None taken. I understand that some species aren’t attracted to some other species. It happens.”
“Huh. So who are you dating then?”
“Funny you should ask. I’m actually dating Octavia. That’s why I was so tolerant with letting her come so early.” Lesbian, interesting.
“Huh, hey can you get me another drink?”
“Sure thing. Hey Jose, another round over here.” she called to the bartender.
“The bartender’s name is Jose?”
“Yeah, it’s an unusual name but not unheard of.”
The bartender brought our drinks. I took a swig and was immediately out.
When I woke up, it was dark. Or at least it seemed dark, as it turns out I was actually blindfolded and in a knapsack hanging upside-down from something. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I tried yelling something only to find that I was gagged as well. Fuck, I’ve been kidnapped.
Chapter 14--Kidnapped
I heard voices talking about some plan and decided it would be in my benefit to listen in.
“Are you sure he’s worth the effort?” one guy--clearly male--asked.
“Of course he is. I’ve been watching him and he’s obviously a close friend of Celestia’s,” another guy--also male--responded. I’m assuming this guy is the leader. “Blaze, lower him down so we can go.”
I felt myself being lowered down from my perch. “I don’t think this is a good idea,” a third male voice said.
“Did I just here the word ‘think’ cross your lips?” the leader guy asked. “I’m not paying you to think, I’m paying you to help me start a war.” This all sounds oddly familiar. Like some movie I once watched or a book I once read. I was slung over the back of one of the guys and I remained vertical which meant that this guy was bipedal.
I heard one of the guys pacing and it sounded like talons against the wood floor. A griffin, perhaps? Upon hearing him talk, I found that it was the leader guy. “Now we need to find something to do with his companion.”
“She is relatively well known so we could take her with us to better our chances of starting the war,” the guy that wasn’t holding me said.
“I suppose that could work We only want Celestia, though, so she might cause there to be a few extra followers. No matter, do you have the griffin feathers?” Ok so not a griffin.
“Of course. Where do you want them?”
“Place a few in the booth he was sitting at. Make it look like there was a struggle.”
“Yes Vichand.” I heard the naga guy slither away and Blaze, who I deduced was the guy carrying me, and Vichand, the leader, left the room as well.
“Now then, let’s see if our prisoner is awake yet,” Vichand said. “Blaze open the sack.”
“That seems a little difficult when it’s on my back,” Blaze responded.
“Put the sack down then open it! And take his blindfold off, too.” Blaze complied. I could tell these guys probably weren’t experts because neither my hands nor my legs were tied. I didn’t fight back though because I had no idea where I was and I knew it was never a good idea to be alone in an unfamiliar place; you might get attacked and kidnapped. “Ah, hello Síor.” Vichand was a hippogriff.
I tried to tell him to go fuck himself but with a gag over my mouth, all that came out was “Mm hff rrfl.”
“Yes I imagine it’s rather difficult to talk right now. Nonetheless, you are awake now and that’s what’s important. You can now walk so we don’t have to carry you.”
“Uhn uah mms vv funh mm guughnmm frrhrr vv?”
“Oh you’ll follow because if you don’t, we’ll kill your little friend here.” How did he understand me? Wait, what friend? I then saw Vinyl tied up on Blaze’s back. I also noticed that Blaze was a dragon, albeit a small dragon, but a dragon nonetheless.
“Vvm vv mrr hugh huh!”
“We won’t hurt her as long as you obey us. Your obedience will make this much easier.” He laughed maniacally and I was tempted to punch him. The only thing that stopped me was my hands being tied. “And I am able to understand you because I have the ability to read thoughts.” I’m so fucked. “Indeed you are.”
So, can you read all thoughts or just focused thoughts?
“I can read any thoughts directed at me without any effort but should the need arise I have the ability to read even the most subconscious thoughts.”
Interesting. Is it just you or can all hippogriffs read thoughts?
“First of all, I am surprised that you even know what I am. Most races don’t even know of the existence of hippogriffs.”
Well I’m not most races.
“Indeed not. The power of telepathy is a rare one but it is spread throughout most races. I just so happen to be one of the lucky few. But enough talk, let us board our airship.” We got on a small ship with a balloon floating above it. I saw the snake-human naga already at the helm. “Naga, take us off.” He complied. “Go on Síor, take a seat. The griffin capital of Gryphus will take a few hours to get to.”
I sat and began working on the plan I had thought of. I was busying Vichand with thought conversation to distract him from my thoughts of this plan. Basically I would use my dagger, which I still kept in my shoe, to attack them when I saw an opportunity. It would be difficult to get the dagger without any of the kidnappers noticing but I could manage.
“So, how did you wind up here anyways? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like you,” the naga asked. I garbled something around my gag. “Ah, yes I forgot that you can’t talk well with that in your mouth. Hey Vichand, you think we could take the gag out of his mouth? I’d like a little conversation from our prisoner.”
The hippogriff walked over and looked at me. “I suppose. But if you try anything, you’re gonna regret it.” That last bit was directed at me. He untied the cloth over my mouth and I spit the gag out.
“Thank you,” I said. Might as well show some manners to the men that hold my fate until I escape. “To answer your question, naga, I was teleported to Ponyville by a summoning spell. Not sure what Twilight was trying to summon but I’m what came. A friend of mine had to do some stuff in Canterlot so I decided to accompany him. He went to do his stuff and I went to find something to do. I found that mare there and she brought me to the tavern where you guys drugged me and kidnapped me and her. Speaking of which, how’d you get the bartender in on your plan?”
“I find that anyone will do what you ask for the right price,” Vichand said.
“And I suppose swearing to secrecy was also something you asked of him?”
“Oh shit!” And here I thought I was the only one who swore in this world. “It seems I’ve lost my touch a bit. But no matter. I’m certain he realises that should he reveal us to anyone, his head will be the price.”
“Yeah but see things don’t always go as you think.”
“Vichand, I think there is someone following us,” the naga said. It was at this point that I noticed they weren’t using the somepony, anypony, and nopony terminology and instead used someone, anyone, and no one like normal people. I also noticed the follower that the naga had pointed out. It looked like Qene but I couldn’t be sure.
“Inconceivable. No one knows what we’ve done yet. It’s probably just a manticore that’s gone off its normal hunting path,” the hippogriff rationalized. “Just keep going on the set course.”
We continued our journey into griffon territory until the naga spoke up again. “He is still following us, Vichand.”
“Inconceivable. No matter, once we get to Griffonia, he’ll have a hard time getting through the Drifts of Insanity. They’re the most powerful air currents in the known world. It takes great skill to navigate them. Luckily, we know a way around them,” the hippogriff said as we approached a large cloud that looked like it was used for docking.
“You do realize that I can’t walk on clouds, right?” I asked. I had noticed that most winged races were able to do that but being a human without wings, I was not blessed with this ability. “And I don’t think the naga can either.”
“Not without magic,” he said. “That’s what these ar for.” He pulled out two amulets. “Cloud Walking Amulets. They allow the wearer to walk on clouds. Unfortunately I was not expecting to have to bring your friend as well so I only have two. Blaze, do you think you’ll be fine carrying one extra?”
“I should be fine,” the dragon responded.
“Then what are you waiting for, let’s go!” We all stepped off the ship, Vinyl being carried by Blaze, and went to the other end of the cloud dock. “Behold, the Drifts of Insanity.” I looked to where he was gesturing and I could actually see the air current, they were so strong. “And we’re going through the toughest part.” He pointed to where the wind was visibly stronger than any other part. “We want to get rid of that pesky follower, right? Blaze, are you ready?”
“Yes, Vichand.”
“Then let’s go!” The dragon picked us all up and we situated ourselves to various straps about him. he took off and we started flying through the extreme wind. “These currents are so powerful that anything less than a dragon would be blown away,” the hippogriff said.
“Vichand, the manticore is still following us,” the naga said.
“Inconceivable! No mere manticore is powerful enough to withstand these winds.”
“He’s gaining, too.”
“Blaze, why is a manticore able to gain on a mighty powerful dragon?”
“Well, I’m carrying all four of you and he’s only got himself.”
“I hired you for your strength! If you can’t out fly a meager little manticore than I might just send you back to Greenland and find a better dragon!”
“No don’t do that,” the dragon complained. I noticed a slight increase in speed as Blaze tried to outfly the manticore which I was pretty sure was Qene.
We arrived on the other side of the current and landed on a cloud. “Blaze, would breathing fire into the wind slow him down?” Vichand asked.
“If I aim it right, I can lower his visibility with the smoke,” the dragon responded.
“Do it then!” Vichand ordered. The dragon complied and we watched as the manticore was slightly deterred from its flight. “That should stop him.”
“Eh, Vichand,” the naga said, “He’s using the clouds as landing points. He is still following.”
“Inconceivable! Naga, stay here and fight him while the rest of us go on to the griffin capital.”
The naga stayed behind while the rest of us followed the clouds down to the ground.
We started travelling along the side of a mountain. After walking for about an hour, Blaze turned around and saw something. “Vichand, the manticore is still following us.”
“Inconceivable! The naga was one of the most skilled swordsman of his tribe. Alright, I think our other prisoner is finally awake.” I then noticed Vinyl struggling in her bonds. “Untied her legs but keep her blindfolded. She may be a unicorn but she still can’t untie the blindfold without seeing it. You’re going to stay here and when the manticore comes around that corner, finish him. Your way.”
“Oh, my way. What is my way?”
“You’re a dragon, when he gets here burn him with your fire breath. ”
“Oh. My way isn’t very sportsmanlike.”
Vichand ignored him as he, I, and the newly untied Vinyl followed him. When we got out of the main mountains and into the hills that surrounded them, Vichand looked behind us and noticed the manticore still following us. “Inconceivable!”
“You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means,” I said.
“I want no mouth from you. This manticore has the skill to beat a naga and the strength to beat a dragon but a mere manticore is nothing against the pure wit of a hippogriff.”
“We’ll see about that.” I had been studying Qene’s abilities and I quickly found that he had much more cognitive ability than most people assumed.
“Come, let us sit and wait.” As we waited, the hippogriff set up a small picnic. We ate for a while until the manticore, which I was glad to find was in fact Qene, finally caught up. “Ah, the ever persistent manticore has finally arrived. Come, I would like to congratulate you on coming this far. However, should you make any move against me, Síor will pay the price.” Vichand said holding up a knife to my neck. Before I could make a move to fight back, he started talking to me. “And if you make a move against me, your friend here will pay.” He then held up a dart that was clearly coated with poison and a reed to shoot it with. “Now then, I have poured you a drink, please come and sit with us.” He sat and looked at the drink but did not touch it.
After a few minutes of silently sitting there at an apparent stalemate, I got bored. “Alright, someone do something, I’m getting bored here.” Suddenly, Vichand fell forward. “What the fuck?!” I looked down at him and noticed Qene’s tail in the back of his head. “Well, that works I guess.” I then went over to Vinyl and took her blindfold off. “Well, that’s more excitement than I wanted today. You know anything about where we are?”
She looked around, getting her bearings. “Well, it’s almost nightfall but from what I can tell, we’re only a few miles out from Gryphus.”
“Well, that seems like the best option then. Lead the way.” She took the lead and we arrived in the capital shortly after dusk.
“I don’t suppose you have any money for a hotel, do you?” I asked.
“I’m afraid not. I left my coin pouch back at the tavern.”
“Well, that’s a problem because all of my money is worthless.”
“You got any griffin friends we can stay with?”
“Sorry, n--wait, there is one, but I don’t know where she lives. All she told me is that she lives in Gryphus.”
“Well, what’s her name? Maybe we could ask around a bit.”
“Her name’s Gilda.”
“Well, it’s a fairly common name for griffins but not so common that you’d get a whole town of them. C’mon let’s find the town hall, I’m sure the mayor will know where all the Gilda’s in Gryphus live.”
“It’s worth a shot.” We went to the town hall and requested the mayor. When the door to the mayor’s office opened, I was surprised to see Gilda come out of it. “Gilda, you’re the mayor?”
“Síor? Yeah, after I left Ponyville I decided to turn my life around so I ran for mayor. Who knew I’d actually win the election?” She said.
“Well, it’s rather convenient for us. Think you could give us a place to stay for the night, it’s been a crazy day.”
“Sure. What brings you to Gryphus anyways, I thought Twilight had you locked in Ponyville?” She led us out and started walking towards what I assumed was her home.
“Well, long story short, I went with a friend to Canterlot and then Vinyl and I got kidnapped and taken here.”
“Kidnapped? Do you know who it was?”
“The leader was named Vichand. He had a dragon and a naga with him, too.”
“Argh, we’ve been trying to catch those three for weeks! They keep kidnapping people every few days to try and start a war between Griffonia and Equestria. I can only imagine why.”
“Well, Qene here killed Vichand but I don’t know what will happened to the other two. They seemed like the type that would go good without their leader so I wouldn’t worry too much about them.”
“Well, it sounds like you guys had a rough day. I’ll let you get some sleep.” We had arrived at her house by now.
“Thanks. We’ll be out of your hair tomorrow morning. I gotta fly back to Canterlot as early as possible or they’ll start worrying. And you know how a worried pony can get.”
“I do but if you want to make it back by tomorrow morning, you’ll have to take a train. The only flight path to Equestria from here is to go far out to the west towards Appleoosa. Otherwise you’d have to fly through the Drifts of Insanity.”
“Not a problem. Qene already made it through once, I’m sure he could do it again.”
“Despite him being strong enough to get through, I doubt he could do it again the next day. Anyone who attempts it doesn’t fly again for a few days. And those are the lucky one’s that don’t get injured.”
“Well, neither of us have any money for a train so it’s either that or I get a job and start earning some money.”
“Well, I’m not gonna say that you shouldn’t get a job, but I can give you train passes. They’ll allow you free pass between Gryphus and Canterlot as many times as you need it.”
“Well, that would certainly solve our problem. When’s the first train to Canterlot?”
“How should I know, I’m not the train station manager.”
“Well, I guess we’ll just wake up early and see for ourselves. Thanks for letting us stay here.”
“No prob. You helped me see the error in my ways so I owe you one.” She left to her own room leaving Vinyl and I in the guest room.
“Well, there’s only one bed. You can have it though, I’ll just sleep outside with Qene,” I said.
She didn’t even respond, instead just jumping onto the bed as I walked out to sleep with Qene.
The next morning, I woke up at the crack of dawn. It wasn’t exactly planned that way but when my big fluffy manticore pillow disappeared, I figured I should probably get up. I went inside to see if anyone else was up yet.
“Hey, Síor. Fancy seeing you up so early,” Gilda said as she saw me walk in. I guess being the mayor she has to be up early.
“My pillow got up and walked away, have you seen him?”
“You mean Qene? He went for an early-morning hunt. He should be back soon.”
“How do you know this?”
“He left a note on the table. I’ll be honest, I had no idea manticores were sentient.”
“Yeah, can’t talk though. I don’t think they can write either, how’d he leave a note?”
“Well, it wasn’t exactly written.” She pointed to the note on the table and I saw that Qene had drawn himself killing a nondescript figure. “He has pretty good drawing skills though.”
“Is Vinyl up yet, we need to go down to the train station to see when the next train is.”
“She’s still asleep but if you want you could try waking her up.”
“I think I’ll wait until Qene gets back. What do you have for breakfast?” Yeah, I know I shouldn’t be asking for food after rudely asking for a place to stay last night but I don’t fucking care.
Qene got back an hour later and I woke Vinyl up. We went to the train station and caught the next train to Canterlot where I caught a teleport home to Ponyville. And thus ended a very interesting trip to Canterlot and beyond.
Chapter 15--Party and Relationship
Chapter 15--Party and relationship
As it turns out, Pinkie somehow found out when my birthday is. I don’t know how but I’ve learned not to question Pinkie. Luckily, she was already hosting a party that day--some sort of Cuteceñera or some bullshit like that--so I didn’t have the full attention of everyone. Not so luckily, it was a Pinkie Pie party so it was crazy and super-hyper. I don’t like crazy, super-hyper parties. But there was more to that day than just the party. Let me start at the beginning.
The day started like any other. I woke up around 2 in the afternoon because fuck you. I finally took to note that they seem to coincidentally have the same calendar and clock system as however many years ago it was that humans roamed the earth. I went downstairs for some breakfast/lunch/food and saw Pinkie in the kitchen wearing a ridiculous costume. I immediately turned around and started heading back upstairs before I heard her yell, “There’s the birthday colt!”
I winced as I turned back around and said, “First of all, I’m not a pony. Second, how’d you even know it was my birthday? Third, Twilight, make me food. Fourth, there is no fourth. And fifth, fuck yourself with a rake.”
“Silly Sísí, you know that I always find out everything.”
“Don’t call me that and that’s creepy.”
“Nevertheless,” Twilight said, “the party is at Sugarcube Corner at 6 and you’re going even if I have to tie you up and drag you there.” She really seems to like tying me up, doesn’t she? It kinda makes me wonder if she has BDSM fantasies. Or if BDSM even exists in Ponyworld.
“Twilight,” I scolded, “I thought I told you to make me food.” She went back to doing so, mumbling darkly along the way. “So Pinkie, I don’t really want to be there so for the next four hours I’ll be thinking of ways to escape the evil clutches of Twilight. But if my plan doesn’t work, you can expect me to be there, tied up, of course. But under no circumstances does that mean you can rape me.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” It concerns me that she shrugged that off so casually.
“It concerns me as well,” a voice said.
What’s that? Who’s there?
“Uh, no one. Pay no attention to the voice inside your head.”
“I hope you’re fine with just eggs and toast; we’re all out of meat,” Twilight said.
I’ll deal with you later. “That’s fine. I’ll have to go hunting soon to get some more.” I was glad she didn’t mind cooking meat for me. She doesn’t eat it, mind, but I’ve got her wrapped around my finger so tight that she’ll do anything for me. Yep, it’s a good life, too bad it all changes after the gala. Spoilers.
“Hey Síor,” Twilight said.
“Yeah?”
“Do you think, after you go hunting that is, that I could maybe try some meat?”What the fuck?! “Absolutely not. I will not have a naturally born herbivore eat meat, it’s not right and I don’t think you could even digest it.” She just sighed as she brought me my breakfast/lunch/food. “Hey, if you somehow grow sharp teeth and the ability to digest meat, then I’ll let you try some. But until then, I don’t want to risk it.” I quickly ate my food and went to the door. “If you need me, I’ll be around town trying to find somewhere else to be at 6.” She just rolled her eyes as I left.
Not two feet from the library had I walked when I was ambushed by a flying ball of yellow and red fur. “Síor, you gotta help me!” Applebloom said. “Why are you on the ground?”
“Because you knocked me over with your flying tackle. What do you need?”
Le inhale. “There’s a Cuteceñera this evening and everypony in my class will be there and they’ll all have their cutie marks and I wanna get my cutie mark but I’m no good at sellin’ apples or hang gliding or making cupcakes but I really wanna go to the party but how can I go if I don’t have my cutie mark which my big sister says I’m gonna get eventually but...I WANT IT NOW!”
“And what do you want me to do about it?”
“I want you to help me try to earn my cutie mark.”
“If anything I’ve heard about cutie marks is true, then you can’t just make it appear. You have to realise what your true special talent is, or some shit like that.”
“What’s that word mean?”
“What word?”
“Shit.”
“Nothing, don’t worry about it. And don’t say it in front of your sister. If she found out that I’m teaching you bad words, I’ll be working the farm for a week.”
“I promise.” Guess who had to work the farm for a week. “Now will you help me?”
“I’ll try, but I’m not gonna promise any results. According to the books I’ve read on the topic, cutie marks are earned when the pony realises their special talent. A talent is something you’re good at so why not try stuff you’re already good at?”
“But I don’t know what I’m good at.”
“Well, why don’t you go ask people what you’re good at. People are better at seeing good qualities in others than they are at seeing them in themselves.”
“Ok, sounds like a plan.” She left me alone as she went to ask people about herself.
Meanwhile, I went to investigate the cloud of smoke rising from Sugarcube Corner. The Cakes weren’t there which meant I had to ask Pinkie why the building was smoking. “Hey Pinkie, are you burning something?”
“Oh no, Sísí,” she said, poking her head out from the kitchen. “I’m too much of an amazing baker to burn anything. Unfortunately, Applebloom isn’t as good a baker as me. Good thing I decided to postpone the party to this evening so I’ll have time to make other treats.”
“Postpone the party, what are you talking about?”
“Well, the party was originally planned for 1 o’clock this afternoon but when I found out that your birthday is today, I decided to move it to later because you don’t get up until 2 o’clock.”
“So, let me get this straight. You postponed a party so the one person who would rather do anything else could be there?”
“Yep, and now it’s a great big double party!!”
“Ugh, fine whatever just don’t sell the burnt product, that’s bad advertising.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” I left.
I was going to go to Fluttershy’s but I was still wary of doing that too often after what might have happened the night after the dragon incident. Applejack is boring and all she ever does is buck apples. Rainbow dash lives in a cloud and I don’t know what she does when she’s not at home. So I went to Rarity’s.
“Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is chic unique and magnifique,” Rarity said as I entered the store.
“Hey Rarity, how’s life?” I said.
“Quite good, now that you ask. I’ve been swamped with orders for the gala but luckily that means plenty of business. I was, however, able to find a break in my schedule to have a fashion show tomorrow and you’re required to participate. It will be starring each of our friends and you and I of course. And we’ll all be wearing the new dresses and suit that I made today.”
“I thought you said you were swamped with orders, where’d you get the time for all of this?”
“One always makes time for friends. When Twilight came in earlier today, I simply could not allow her to wear the dress she had planned. I decided to make her a new dress and since Applejack was there, I decided to make one for her as well. Then, Rainbow Dash crashed through the window as she is prone to do and I added her to the list. And I decided to make one for Pinkie and Fluttershy while I was at it. And I couldn’t let you go without a new suit so you were added to the list, too.”
“Thanks for the offer but I already got the suit you made for me when I first arrived in Ponyville. And I haven’t worn it once.”
“No no no, that won’t do. You need something that’s fit for the gala.”
“Whatever, just don’t make it to fancy.”
“Not too fancy?! Síor, the gala is the most high-class event in the area. You simply must have the most formal wear a seamstress like myself can give you.”
“I’m not getting out of this, am I.”
“Nope.”
“Fine just don’t make it anything you know I wouldn’t like. Just make it a plane neutral-colored suit.”
“Deal.”
That done, I headed to Fluttershy’s house. I’ve been avoiding her since that night and I needed to talk to her about it no matter how much I didn’t want to. Angel Answered the door as per the norm. “Hey Angel, is Fluttershy home?” Having grown to accept my presence, he allowed me to enter. “Fluttershy?” I called out.
“I’m in the kitchen, one moment.” She came out a minute later with a teapot and some teacups. “I was afraid you wouldn't show this week, after what happened the night I showed you my stash.”
“Actually, I had completely forgotten that today was Friday. But I did want to talk to you about that night. Did anything...happen...between us?”
“Celestia only knows.”
“I sure hope she doesn’t, if Celestia knew about your stash of mead, you’d be arrested on the spot.”
“You know what I mean. I was just as out-of-it as you were, if not more.”
“It’s called being drunk but I will agree that you were pretty drunk, and so was I.”
“So, there’s no way to tell if anything happened that night?”
“Did you want something to happen?”
“I don’t know. Did you?”
“Well, I’ve been in Equestria for two months, I think it’s safe to say I’m gonna be here for a while. And I hate to say it but I’ve kind of grown a liking to you ponies. I’m not saying I would fuck any of you--not yet at least--but I would be willing to try a casual relationship with one. And you would be my first choice.”
“Is that a yes?”
“It’s a maybe for wanting something to have happened that night but it is a yes to trying a relationship with you.”
“Oh, that sounds wonderful.”
So we spent the rest of the day together simply enjoying each other’s company. I never found out what happened with the party. I guess Twilight was either spying on me and decided to leave me alone with Fluttershy, or she just didn’t know where I was. I did find out that Applebloom had made some new friends and that the Cutie Mark Crusaders, as they called themselves, did everything they could to earn their cutie marks, not that I care. So, I somehow weaseled my way out of that party, now I just have to do the same for this fashion show tomorrow. C’est la vie.
An insertion from the one and only Master of Chaos:
Talk about close calls. I really do need to keep my mouth shut. Síor can’t know that I’m in his head. Of course, I’ve been there since he was born so how did he even know? I suppose if I talk directly about myself while in his head then he can hear my voice rather than the conscience that I’ve become. No matter, everything is working according to plan. As long as Síor secures a long standing relationship with the ponies of Equestria, and accepts the mercenary job offer at the Mareidian party, then all should go perfectly.
Chapter 16--The Gala
I sometimes ask myself what the purpose of these journals is. The more I think about it, the more they start to seem like a recount of all my tortures in this new world. Admittedly, some of those tortures were self-induced but the fashion show was not.
I don’t know why I’m even recording the fashion show as nothing interesting really happened but it’s a good transition into the gala so I figured why not.
After avoiding Pinkie’s party for me by a narrow margin, I stayed at Fluttershy’s cottage. She was housing an injured bear that had taken up the couch so we shared her bed--innocently, of course; I still ain’t a horsefucker.
The next day, I learned the power of cuteness. I attempted to get out of going to the fashion show but a certain yellow pegasus was very persuasive. And by persuasive, I mean she’s too adorable to say no to.
So I went to the fashion show and, as is usual for fashion shows, it was boring as fuck and nothing interesting happened. We had to do it twice because all the ponies were greedy bitches and didn’t like the first dresses. The dresses were remade to their likings but they were all shit so they had to convince Rarity to remake the originals.
Anyways, that happened and Rarity got a deal with some fashion guy that happened to be there. Now she gets to make ensembles--whatever those are--for many of the more well known guests of the gala for at least the next five years, as the contract said. There was some other stuff that I don’t really care about. Something about making ensembles for other important event or whatever.
Two weeks passed with nothing of importance happening and that brings us to the gala. As you may recall, I had gotten permission to bring Qene with me as long as he stayed in the garden. So, Qene was set to pull the carriage, now we just needed a carriage.
Twilight was doing some studying for something while Pinkie and I were jumping on a trampoline nearby. Qene was chilling under a shade tree and Spike was just standing there watching Twi. We were just outside Rarity’s boutique because she had asked us to gather there so we could all get ready.
Pinkie, being her usual self, was shouting as she jumped. “I. CAN’T. BELEIVE. THE GRAND. GALLOPING. GALA. IS. TONIGHT!”
I was just jumping like a normal person without shouting but then Rarity came out of her shop. “Pinkie Pie, Síor,” she said, “get down from there this instant. It’s time to prepare for the gala and I refuse to let you put on your clothes when you’re all sweaty.”
I stopped jumping and Pinkie somehow slowed down mid-fall to stop. We got down and started heading inside. Pinkie walked over to where Spike was standing and asked, “What’s Twilight doing?”
“She’s got an awesome magic spell she’s been working on for the gala,” Spike said.
“Where are the others, it’s getting late,” Rarity complained.
“Rarity, it’s only noon, the gala doesn’t start for another seven hours,” I told her.
“Exactly,” she replied. “That’s three hours to get ready, two hours of travel time and two hours to prepare our grand entrance.”
“All of you being women, I can understand the three hours of prep time. However, if we fly, it should only take about half an hour to get there. And is the grand entrance truly necessary?”
“Necessary?! Of course it is! Every patron of the gala is practically expected to have a grand entrance. It is not called the Grand Galloping Gala for nothing. An flying will not be acceptable. I know that Qene would only allow you to be his driver and I will not allow you to mess up your mane by flying in the wind. Besides, all air traffic is restricted during the gala.”
“Fine, we can hoof it.” It isn’t until now, when I’m writing this, that I noticed the pun there. “And as for my hair , I don’t want you doing anything too fancy with it.” I should mention that I still had my extremely long hair and beard because I hadn’t asked for anything to shave an I didn’t trust pony barbers.
“Well, I won’t have time to do much to it if the others don’t hurry.”
“Hold your horses, girl. We’re here,” Applejack said.
“Perfect! I’m ready,” Twilight announced.
“For what?” Rainbow asked flying overhead.
“Spike, do you have the apple?” Twilight asked.
“An apple! Are we having pie?” Typical Pinkie.
“Shh, watch,” Spike instructed.
We all watched as Twilight used her magic to turn the apple into a carriage. There was a mixture of approval from the ponies.
“Great,” I said. “Now we just need to get ready and then we can go.”
We all went into the boutique to get ready. I took the dressing room as usual. Spike waited outside the room where we all were for some reason. After a while we heard him knocking on the door. “Come on, you guys, let me in,” he called through the door.
“Sure thing, Spike,” Rainbow called back
“Heavens no!” Rarity exclaimed. “We’re getting dressed.”
“Dressed?” Applejack said. “Uh, beg pardon, Rarity, but, uh...we don’t normally wear clothes.”
“Speak for yourselves,” I said from behind my barrier.
I heard the door open and Rarity moaned. “Sorry, Spike,” she said. “Some of us do have standards.”
“I still can’t believe we’re gonna be in Canterlot,” Spike said. “Our hometown, Twilight! And the best part is that we all get to hang out together.”
“I don’t know, Spike,” Dash said. “I’m gonna be pretty busy impressing the Wonderbolts.”
“And I’ll be sellin’ apples,” AJ added.
“And I simply must find my true love,” Rarity said. I don’t know what she sees in that stuck up prince.
“And I got a party to enjoy!” Pinkie yelled.
“And I’ll be out in the garden making friends with all the cute furry little friends,” Fluttershy said.
“I’ll be doing whatever Celestia has planned for me,” I said while trying to get the stupid dress pants on. Dress clothes are rather comfortable but they’re a pain to get on without messing them up.
“And I’ll be with Princess Celestia catching up,” Twilight said. “But don’t worry, Spike. We’ll all get to spend some time together, too.”
I finally got the pants on and tucked in the button-up shirt. I then put the bow tie on--I have a bit of an affinity for bow ties. Finally, I put on the suit jacket and buttoned the three low buttons and the cuff buttons. I stepped out of the dressing area and showed everyone. “How do I look?” I asked.
“Quite handsome,” Rarity said. “except for that hair of yours.” She then pulled me over and sat me in a chair to try and do something with my hair. “Do you have any objections to me cutting it?”
“Not really,” I said. “I have come to like it long though.”
“Well, I’m not very experienced with long stallion hair, but I’ll see what I can do.” She tried many styles, most of which were rather girly. In the end, she decided that with straight butt-length hair, the best style is a ponytail. Of course, they don’t call it that; they just call it tied-back.
By the time my hair had returned to the style I had already been wearing it in before she started messing with it, all the girls had gotten themselves ready and Spike had put on his little suit so we were ready to go.
I took the driver’s seat of the carriage and Spike sat next to me while the girls were in the back. Spike was telling me his plans for all the girls. I wasn’t really listening because I didn’t really care. I was thinking about the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I. I’ve only been here for two months but in that time, the cult has come up more times than is considered coincidental. Specifically, I was thinking about the Doctor. During our last conversation, he seemed to be acting as though he were being watched. I suspect him to be a double agent between Celestia and the cult. The question is, where does his loyalty truly lie?
I was drawn out of my trance by our arrival at the palace. I realized what Rarity meant by grand entrance when I heard the music start. I haven’t mentioned this before, but there’s some sort of weird spell over Equestria that causes people to start singing randomly and it is almost impossible to resist. As such, I was dragged into this little song of theirs. It was basically a four minute song where they all talked about their reasons for coming to the gala. When it was over, we all went inside to do those things.
Twilight and I both went to Celestia. Twilight to catch up and I to see why she wanted me here.
“Ah, Twilight, Síor. So glad you could make it,” she said when she saw us approaching.
“I’m so excited to be here. We have so much to catch up on,” Twilight said.
“And I want you right by my side the whole night so we have plenty of time together,” Celestia said.
“I was hoping you’d say that,” Twilight replied.
“What about me?” I asked. “Why am I here?”
“Well, Síor,” Celestia said, “I invited you so that you might familiarize yourself with some more ponies. Twilight tells me that you don’t know many ponies outside her and her friends. I would like you to find some ponies here and make some more acquaintances and above all, have fun.”
“Yeah. Sure. Whatever.” I left to go do fuck all. The only thing really worthwhile about these fancy parties is the food so I went to the food table. Of course, it’s hard to hide in the crowd when the crowd is ponies and I’m a human. As such, I was stopped by a number of ponies. One of which was a white unicorn stallion with a quaffed blue mane and a fancy mustache.
“Well, if it isn’t the infamous human, himself,” he said as he approached me.
“The one and only,” I replied. “Name’s Síor.”
“I am Fancypants, First Lieutenant of the Royal Guard.”
“Cool. If that’s all, I’d like to continue to the food table.”
“Please, allow me to join you. Holding the second highest rank of the royal guards makes it rather difficult to get some alone time.” We started walking towards the food table.
“I can imagine. Being the only surviving human can cause that, too.”
“Yes, I bet it does.”
“Was there anything in particular you wanted to talk about or did you just want to introduce yourself?”
“Actually, as you may have heard, Princess Luna is being allowed to take back her rank as ruler of the night after being reintroduced to the public tonight. As a ruler of Equestria, she will have the right to lead her own legion of royal guards. She is looking for the best qualities in a knight and has requested you to be her knight. However, Princess Celestia is also requesting you as her knight.”
“I’ll think about it. I got some stuff going on in the spring, maybe after that. I’m not to fond to the idea of pledging my full allegiance to anyone.”
“There are many benefits to being a knight. As a Solar knight, I am allowed full reign of the castle. I was granted some control of light. And I can see in extremely high light. As a Lunar knight, I imagine you would have full reign of the castle as the Solar knights do. You would probably be granted minor control of darkness and you would probably be able to see in extremely low light.”
“Understandable. If you do make a choice, you can talk to either of the Princesses or myself.”
“What about the Captain of the Royal Guard? If I understand the ranks correctly, the First Lieutenant must get permission of the Captain before making any orders.”
“That is true. However, Captain Shining Armor is busy on an expedition to the north.”
“Gryphonia?”
“No, farther north than that. Princess Celestia sent him there on a secret mission.”
“Huh, well if I decide to become a night, I’ll let someone know.” We had now reached the end of the table, each with a plate of food.
“That’s ten bits for the buffet, sir,” a guard said.
“What, no one told me I had to pay to eat.” I saw Fancypants walking off without paying. “How come he doesn’t have to pay?”
“Sir Fancypants is a member and high ranking officer of the royal guard. This buffet is free to the guards but civilians must pay.”
“Don’t worry, Síor, I got it,” I heard The Doctor say from behind me. He paid the guard ten bits for my meal and followed me to a side table.
“Hey Doctor. Fancy seeing you here,” I said.
“Is it really such a surprise?” he asked. “I’ve known Celestia for almost a thousand years. Actually, I should say she’s known me for that long. I’ve known her since she was born.”
“You were at Celestia’s birth?”
“Indeed I was. It was the 21st of June in the year 6,283,183,000. She is currently 2306 years, 2 months, 0 weeks, 0 days, 7 hours, 42 minutes, and” he checked his watch “31.4 seconds old.”
“Wait, so you’re saying that the current year is 6,283,185,306?”
“By the Gregorian calendar, yes. However, the current calendar in use is known as the Celestial Calendar and begins with Celestia’s birth. Therefore, this would be the first day of the third month of the year 2306. This calendar system became common use in the Celestial year 1307, one year after Celestia became the sole ruler of Equestria. This system was created by the scholar Prophetic Mind. Prior to that, the Temporal Calendar was used. Created by Solar Moon--don’t ask me what his parents were thinking--it began on the 23rd of November in the Celestial year 1030 BC. This would be Temporal year 0. Before this, the calendrical history is hard to track but essentially it was changed for the oldest born alicorn of each generation. Before the alicorn race was nearly exterminated, the Gregorian system was still in practice and I have based my calculations of the current Gregorian year based on the time that has passed since the last recorded Gregorian year.”
“Wow, so that means that I’m 6,283,183,310 years old?”
“By technicality, yes, but from what I can tell, you’re only about 20.”
“Well, it was the 21 of June 2017 when the incident at CERN occurred wiping out humanity. So, I just turned 21 a couple weeks ago. Shit, I didn’t get my free drink!” Actually I got plenty of booze that night at Fluttershy’s house.
“Well, I’m sure if you wanted alcohol that badly, you could find some. However, I know it to be outlawed here in Equestria, last I checked.”
“That’s true, but I’m sure I could find some way of getting some. Hey Doctor, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you about.”
“Ask away then.”
“I know that you have a sort of double agent status working for both Celestia and the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I, don’t deny it. My question is, who are you truly loyal to?”
“I’m afraid I can’t answer that Síor. I have become greatly accepted among both groups and I have helped both groups in their efforts against the other. Until I know the full motives of both sides, I cannot say which I truly side with.”
“I see. Do you know anything of a being called Discord?”
“Only what I’ve read in history books. Discord once ruled over Equestria with chaos and strife until Celestia and Luna turned him to stone.”
He doesn’t know the true history of Discord. Should I tell him? “Actually--”
I was cut off by Pinkie Pie performing a stage dive and landing on the cart holding Applejack’s apple cake launching it into the air towards Rarity and Blueblood covering Rarity in cake. Next, Rarity began shaking the cakey mess at Blueblood who then fell backwards landing hard next to a statue which began falling. Then, Rainbow Dash decided to take the chance to impress the Wonderbolts by catching the statue. However, it was a little more cumbersome than she expected and she wobbled with it on her back running into a large marble column which created a domino effect knocking down the other columns.
Twilight came into the room then and said the one thing you should never say: “It can’t get any worse.”
Then a bunch of animals bursted through the doors of the ballroom followed by a crazy looking Fluttershy. She then yelled in the scariest and loudest voice I’ve ever heard her use, “You’re going to LOVE ME!!”
By that point, the ballroom was in pure pandemonium as plenty of ponies were perilously running from the animals. Celestia told Twilight and her friends, along with myself, to get out of there while she fixed the place up. We all went to a local donut shop where we found Spike. The girls explained how their nights had gone and we spent the rest of the night together eating donuts and enjoying each other’s company. I never saw The Doctor again that night but I figured I could talk to him another time. Celestia gave us all rooms in the castle to stay for the night and the next morning we returned home.
Chapter 17--Cutie Marks
“How do I let myself get roped into this shit?” I asked myself as I was once again at the mercy of Applebloom and her “Cutie Mark Crusader” friends. In this particular attempt at trying to earn their cutie marks, they were trying to be human rescuers. Of course, in order to rescue a human, a human had to be in danger. And unfortunately for me, I’m the only human they know.
So that’s how I found myself in the Everfree without my crossbow, arms and legs tied and some of my own hard earned meat strapped around me. Inevitably, this attracted a pack of timber wolves--wolves made of magical living wood. Luckily, Applejack showed up before any humans got ripped to pieces because a certain three fillies weren’t paying attention like they were supposed to be.
“Applebloom,” she scolded, “you an’ your Crusader friends oughta know better ‘n ta put ponies in danger.”
“Not a pony,” I said.
“Sorry, Applejack,” Applebloom and her friends--an orange pegasus filly with purple-pink hair named Scootaloo and a white unicorn with pink and purple hair named Sweetie Belle--apologized.
She then turned to me. “How’d you even get tied up? Aren’t you stronger ‘n them?”
“Shut up, I was taking a nap,” I said. “Plus, there’s three of ‘em.” I’ve come to accept my natural dialect again. none of the ponies really care and it’s not like I’ll ever see another human again so my societal standing doesn’t really make a difference. Besides, if I find myself in a situation where I need to be more formal, I can pick up cityspeak easily enough.
On the way out of the forest, the Crusaders were saying something about asking others how they got their cutie marks. This, of course, led to Applebloom calling back to AJ about how she got her cutie mark. “I never told you that story?” she said. “Well shoot. I was just a little filly, even littler than y’all. You were just a foal at the time but life here was mostly the same. We’d work on the farm one day, then wake up the next day an’ work some more. But I didn’t much like that. I wanted to live the sophisticated life like Auntie an’ Uncle Orange. So, I packed my stuff an’ headed to Manehatten where Aunt an’ Uncle Orange lived. I lived with them for about a week but it didn’t take long for me to start missin’ home. Then one morning ‘round sunrise, I was lookin’ out my window an’ I saw a rainbow pointin’ towards home. I knew at that point that I was meant to be at Sweet Apple Acres. I ran home as quickly as I could and that’s when this baby appeared.” She motioned at her cutie mark. “And I’ve been happily workin’ the farms ever since.”
“I didn’t know you ever went to Manehatten,” I said. If you hadn’t guessed already, Manehatten is this world’s equivalent of Manhattan. “So, tell me, is it more or less stuck up than Canterlot?”
“I think it’s about the same but it’s a different kind of stuck up.”
“Hmm, interesting.” By now we had left the forest and the fillies were starting to run off somewhere.
“Síor, would you mind keepin’ an eye on those three, I gotta get ready for the harvest.”
“Harvest? Didn’t we just harvest, like, a month ago?”
“Yes, but this here’s the zap apple harvest. The zap apple grows at random times because it’s magic. The first signs have appeared so we gotta get ready to harvest.”
“Fine. But you owe me.” I started to follow the girls into town when I saw them crash into Fluttershy. Scootaloo was pulling the other two on her scooter and they had been going pretty fast so I ran to catch up to make sure they were all ok.
By the time I had caught up, they were all getting back up because ponies are fucking indestructable. “Sorry about that, Fluttershy,” Scootaloo said.
“That’s fine, Scootaloo. Just, next time try watching where you’re going,” she replied.
“Hey Flutters,” I said.
“Oh, hi Síor. Where are you four off to in such a hurry?”
“We’re on our way into town to find Rainbow Dash and ask her how she got her cutie mark,” Scootaloo said.
“Oh, I bet that’s quite a story. You know, I wouldn’t have gotten my cutie mark if it weren’t for her.”
“Really?” the fillies asked.
“You see, when I was a filly, I was a very weak flier. There were some bullies at flight school that teased me for it. But then, Rainbow Dash stepped in to defend me. She challenged the bullies to a race to defend my honor. I was the flag filly for the race and I waved the flag for them to begin. They all flew so fast past the cloud I was on that I lost my balance and fell. I tried flapping my wings to stop myself from falling but it didn’t do a thing.”
“Oh my gosh! What happened next?” Applebloom asked.
“Did you hit the ground?” Sweetie Belle added.
“Did you die?!” Scootaloo said.
“Just when I thought it was all over for me, a huge kaleidoscope of butterflies fly under me and caught me. They brought me gently down to a meadow full of woodland creatures.” At this point she sung a song about how she loved everything in nature. “Then a very loud sound came from somewhere nearby and scared all the critters away. It was then that I realised that I had a special connection with the animals. I was able to understand them on a deeper level and was able to get them to come back out. And that’s when I noticed my cutie mark had appeared.”
“Aw, that’s such a sweet story,” Sweetie Belle said.
“What about Rainbow Dash? What about the race?” Scootaloo asked.
“Well, I wasn’t there so I don’t know,” Fluttershy answered.
“Well, we’ll have to find Rainbow Dash then,” Scootaloo said.
The fillies ran off and I got ready to follow them. “Bye Fluttershy,” I said.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“I have to follow those three to make sure they don’t kill themselves. But at the rate they're going, they’ll kill me before they even get the chance to cause any damage.”
“Why are you following them?”
“‘Cause I promise Applejack that I would. Remind me to get my revenge on her when the day’s over.”
“Well, I think it’s awfully nice of you to do this for a friend.” She nestled her head under my chin.
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t tell anyone I’ve gone soft, though--I got a reputation to keep.” I kissed her forehead. “Now if you don’t mind, I got some responsible caretakering to do.”
“You mean caretaking?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” I ran to catch up with the troublemakers.
Thankfully, they had stopped at a nearby restaurant for some lunch. Not so thankfully, I still didn’t have any money. Fortunately, Twilight was there so she bought me food. Unfortunately, the fillies also saw her and asked her about her cutie mark story.
I already knew this story from that time when I asked about Spike’s childhood. As it turns out, Twilight hatched him with magic. Basically, her parents had enrolled her in a magic school but she had to pass an entrance exam. The exam was hatching a dragon egg which just so happened to contain Spike. She wasn’t able to do it until a huge blast made her surge with magical energy. She hatched Spike and did a shitload of other magic accidentally before Celestia came and fixed everything and got Twilight to calm the fuck down. Celestia then took on Twilight as her personal prodige saying that she had an enormous amount of raw ability. Spike ended up being Twilight’s life-long friend, little brother, and assistant.
Of course Twilight’s story took a while to tell so I had some time to space off. I don’t really remember what I was thinking about but we eventually left leaving Twilight to bounce around like a fucking idiot saying, “Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes” over and over again.
We ran into Rarity next. Not literally this time because Scootaloo was actually watching where she was going and stopped before hitting her. “Oh perfect timing, you three!” She said before grabbing them all and rushing off to her boutique. Of course, I followed to see what kind of torture she had planned for them.
As she used them as models for her new line of filly sized clothing, she told them of her own cutie mark story. “I had been set in charge of making the costumes for a school musical one year. The teacher told me they were nice but I didn’t want them to be nice, I wanted them to be perfect. I tried everything I could think of to perfect my designs but nothing worked. I had begun to question my skills of being a designer when my horn started to glow. I knew unicorn magic didn’t happen without a reason so I was certain this was my destiny. I was dragged along by my horn for hours when suddenly, it stopped in front of a huge rock. I was outraged that my destiny was a mere rock Then a huge explosion rang through the air and the rock split open revealing hundreds of gems and I realised that was what my costumes were missing. I quickly gathered the gems and brought them back home to add them to the costumes. When the musical opened that night, my costumes were on full view to the audience and when I saw how much they admired them, I noticed that my cutie mark had appeared.”
Scootaloo groaned. “These namby-pamby stories are getting us nowhere. They’re all about finding who you are and boring stuff like that.”
“Yes Scootaloo,” Rarity said. “That’s exactly--”
“Come on girls. We need action! We need Rainbow Dash!”
“Why don’t we ever crash into Rainbow Dash?” Scootaloo complained.
“You’re looking for Rainbow Dash?” Pinkie Pie, being her typical self, randomly appeared in the wagon. “If I was her, I’d be at Sugarcube Corner. Actually, if I was anyone, I’d be at Sugarcube Corner. Hey, I have an idea! Wanna go to Sugarcube Corner?”
“Well, we were looking for Rainbow Dash to ask her how she got her cutie mark,” Sweetie Belle explained.
“Cutie mark? Come with me and I’ll tell you how I got mine.”
Scootaloo sighed, “Why not?” She changed course to head for Sugarcube Corner.
On the way, Pinkie told us how she got her cutie mark. “My sisters and I were raised on a rock farm outside of Ponyville. We spent our days working in the fields. There was no talking. There was no smiling. There was only rocks. We were preparing to rotate the rocks from the south field to the east field when all of a sudden the biggest blast of anything ever exploded across the sky and the constant overcast we had was cleared by a beautiful rainbow. I was so happy and I wanted to share that happiness with the whole world. But rainbows don’t come around that often so I thought How can I share this happiness without a rainbow? And just like that an idea hit me. That’s when I threw my very first party for my family. They were so happy and I was happy that they were happy. And that’s how Equestria was made.”
Scootaloo stopped abruptly, whether because of Pinkie’s Pinkieness or because we had arrived at Sugarcube Corner. “Wha- huh?”
“Look, we’re here,” Applebloom said.
“Maybe on the way home I can tell you the story of how I got my cutie mark,” Pinkie said. “It’s a real gem!”
“Oh, come on,” Sweetie Belle said. “She’s just being Pinkie Pie.”
We went inside the shop. Conveniently, it was rounding dinnertime. Also conveniently Twilight was there to buy me food. Another act of convenience was that Rainbow Dash was also there, a fact which was quickly pointed out by Scootaloo.
“I hear you’re looking for my cutie mark story,” Dash said.
“You have no idea what I’ve been through today to hear it,” Scootaloo said.
“It all happened at flight school where I was standing against all odds to defend Fluttershy’s honor. The race began. I knew that I had to win this race. My friend depended on it. I flew faster than I ever had. That freedom was unlike anything I’d ever felt. The speed. The adrenaline. The wind in my mane. I liked it...a lot. Then, as I rounded the third corner, one of the bullies bumped into me and knocked me off course. Turns out, the only thing I liked more than flying fast was winning. The next checkmark was near the ground and I flew like nopony had ever flown before. Everypony thought the Sonic Rainboom was just a myth but that day--the day I discovered racing--I proved that the legends were true! And that, little ones, is how you earn a cutie mark.”
The fillies all wowed.
“Wait a minute,” Fluttershy said. “I heard that explosion. And I saw the rainbow too. Rainbow Dash, if you hadn't scared the animals, I never would have learned I could communicate with them and gotten my cutie mark.”
“I heard that boom!” Pinkie exclaimed. “And right afterwards, there was this amazing rainbow that taught me to smile.”
“When I got my cutie mark, I saw a rainbow that pointed me home,” Applejack said. “I bet it was your sonic rainboom!”
“There was an explosion I could never explain when I got my cutie mark,” Rarity said.
“This is uncanny!” Twilight said. “If that explosion didn't happen when it did, I would have blown my entrance exam. Rainbow Dash, I think you helped me earn my cutie mark too!”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “You all got your cutie marks because of Rainbow Dash, big whoop. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to eat my dinner.
“Hey, how about a song?” Fluttershy asked.
“Sure,” I said. “You guys may be annoying but you have oddly amazing singing voices.” The six friends broke into a song about how friendship is always destined or something like that. Eventually, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were able to convince Scootaloo to sing, too. Heck, even I sang a verse. It’s nice to have friends that buy you food--er, I mean that love and care for you? Is that right? Whatever, friendship is good, yadda yadda yadda.
Chapter 19--The Changling Hive
Chapter 19--The Changeling Hive
As we approached the hole, the changeling said to me, “My name is Mirror. I am a high ranking officer of the changeling army. If you need anything, ask for me.” We got to the hole where another changeling was waiting. “This is Ludo, the queen’s assistant, he will take you to meet the queen.”
I looked down into the hole. There was no ladder, there were no stairs and the wall was smooth as a beer bottle. “How do you expect me to get down there?” I asked.
Mirror was already flying down so Ludo just said, “You can ride me.” That’s what she said. He grew in size--because apparently changeling magic can do that--to about the size of a horse and I climbed onto him as we glided down into the hole. It would be really nice if I had that low-light seeing ability of the lunar guards right now. We reached the bottom and I could see nothing. Luckily, I had stuffed a few candles in my pocket which I lighted so I could make sure I didn’t trip over my own feet. I already had pretty good low-light seeing from all my years sneaking around in the dark so I was able to make out a bit about this cave.
What I saw was kind of creepy. There were large buildings around this cavern that were made of either rock or some weird glowing green stuff, or both. I also noticed that some of these buildings hung from the ceiling or were carved into the wall and I figured the only way to get to them was by flying. Ludo changed back to his normal size as he lead me down what appeared to be the main road. I saw at the end of the road what appeared to be a giant castle made out of that weird green stuff. I figured that was where the queen was and, despite not wanting to go anywhere near that stuff, I followed, knowing bad things would happened if I disobeyed creatures that could turn into anything.
“What the fuck is this stuff?” I asked as we entered the castle.
“It’s called chrysalis,” Ludo answered. “It’s the signature building material of the changelings. Despite its fragile appearance, it is actually stronger than diamond.”
“Stronger than diamond? That could be very useful. Why haven’t other races tried to buy it from you?”
“Most races don’t trust the changelings. The only known race that has even attempted to make peace with us was the ponies. But when we refused to give them some chrysalis, they ended all attempts for an alliance.”
“Hmm...” I thought back to what I had read in Clover the Clever’s journal. I remembered there being something about changelings but I couldn’t remember what.
“Well, this is her majesty’s throne room. I’m not certified to enter so you’ll be on your own. I don’t know what she wanted you for but usually a personal summoning is either really good or really bad. Either way, good luck.”
He stood outside the door as I walked in to meet the queen of the changelings. “Ah, the human. I’ve been waiting for you,” I heard her say. Then I saw her walking out from behind the throne all dramatically like that. She looked like any other changeling but with the key difference being that she had much longer hair that had a dark musky turquose color and a crown. I also noticed that she, like the other changelings as it turned out, had many holes in her legs. There were also holes throughout her hair and her horn was twisted and bent in the most peculiar way.
“And why have you summoned me?” I asked.
“As I’m sure you’ve found out, I have many spies throughout the world, blending in as a part of the population of the native race. I hear things rather quickly and one thing I’ve heard is that there was a strange new creature in Equestria who calls himself a human. I can only assume that was you. So when my spies caught on that your pony friends were going to Appleoosa, it was inferred that you would be going to. I ensured that all my spies in the area knew that you would be coming and that if they saw you, to bring you to me. I hear you’re well acquainted with Celestia. How has she been?”
“Why does it matter to you?”
“I’ve been ruling these changelings for almost 1000 years. Celestia attempted to form an alliance after about 200 years but when we refused to give up our chrysalis, she never tried again.” That’s when it hit me. The queen of the changeling, who goes by Queen Chrysalis, used to be Celestia’s youngest sister Animia but after Discord showed his ugly face, she was transformed into the changeling queen and lost all memory of ever being a pony and, more specifically, an alicorn.
I tried to think of how I could use this knowledge but I couldn’t think of any way to make her see who she really is so I decided to just carry on with the conversation. “Well, I haven’t seen her for a little over a week but she seemed to be doing well at the gala. Why do you ask?”
“Oh, just trying to find common grounds.”
“What for?”
“How much do you know about us changelings, Síor?”
“Only that you feed off love.” And that you used to be Celestia’s sister.
“That’s actually only partially true. We are actually able to feed off of any emotion, love is just the most common preference.”
“Most common? So there are changelings that prefer other emotions?”
“Yes there are. Lust is a common one. As well as happiness. There’s also sadness, fear, and the dreaded anger. Changelings that feed off of anger are typically killed early, they have no place in my kingdom for anger is the most vile of emotions and causes changelings that feed off of it to be very undesirable.”
“I see. You still haven’t told me why you summoned me.”
“Ah, yes. You should know that other beings tend to not understand us changelings. To feed off of emotion is typically looked down upon. My people have to go into other areas in disguise in order to get sufficient nutrients to live. But our larva and foals are too young for that. We need a reliable food source. We asked Celestia if she would provide us with enough ponies that had been love poisoned in order for us to survive but when she asked for our precious chrysalis, a substance which can only be made with enough substinance, we had to decline for we had no way of making sufficient amounts of it to give her and to keep our hive protected as well.”
“Yeah, I’ve been wondering about that. What is chrysalis?”
“I suppose you could say that chrysalis is what changelings secrete when nutrient levels are high enough.”
“So in other words, it’s basically shit?”
“Essentially yes; however, changeling digestion works very differently than normal creatures. I won’t begin to try explaining the process to you because I imagine you would have a hard time understanding it but basically we take in emotions and put out chrysalis which we use to build our hives.”
“So you couldn’t give any to Celestia because you didn’t have enough food to produce any more than what you needed?”
“Correct. I had tried asking many other times but I was continually rejected. That is where you come in.”
“And how can I help?”
“You are a personal friend of the Princess. If you explained our situation to her, maybe she would be willing to give us a chance.”
“Have you not already tried explaining your situation?”
“Whenever I try she just thinks we are making excuses. But if you explain to her why we cannot give up our chrysalis until we have better nourishment, then I think she might be willing to see things our way.”
“Hmm, what’s in it for me?”
“Well, what do you want?”
“I want a list of all the changelings residing in Equestria. This should include their changeling names as well as their disguise names.”
“I was planning on giving you that anyways if you agreed. Anything else?”
“When do I need to have this done?”
“I have an invasion on Canterlot planned for this Spring. If you don’t make an agreement with Celestia by then, I will carry out the invasion. If a treaty has been drawn, I will call off the invasion. Do we have a deal?”
“Spring, eh? A lot can happen between now and then but I think I can make that work.”
“Excellent. Oh and I have one more favor to ask.”
“Ask away.”
“I would like you to take my maid, Mim, she is being rather troublesome. I need a way of punishing her and I think that sending her away would be the best option due to how much she seems to adore me. She will need to be fed though.”
“What does she like?”
“She prefers lust. Luckily it is one of the easiest emotions to feed off of, all she has to do is have sex with another creature. Sentient creatures work best though.”
“Is it possible for changelings to get pregnant from other animals?”
“It is possible, though the offspring are almost always changelings.”
“Does she have a gender preference?”
“Not that I’m aware of.”
“Alright fine, I’ll take her.”
“Splendid. She will be waiting at the exit of the hive. Oh and one more thing. If you wish to speak to a changeling that is disguised simply say ‘intelligentia, sentient, drone’ and they will reply with ‘egg, larva, foal’ allowing you to speak.”
“Thanks. If I need anything, I’ll send word your way.” And with that, I was carried back out of the hive by Ludo.
“Yes, sir. The queen said I was to obey your every command,” she said.
“Well, you can start by not calling me sir. My name is Síor and you will call me that and nothing else. Do you know how to get to Appleoosa?”
“Yes, Síor. It’s right this way.” She lead me to the town and we arrived right around sunrise the next day.
“Another night with no sleep. I really need to fix my sleeping schedule. And as for you. These ponies probably wake up at the crack of dawn so you’ll need a disguise. And remember, it needs to be something you can keep while you’re in Ponyville, too.” She transformed into a midnight blue unicorn with straight blonde hair that had red streaks in it and dark green eyes. “Not bad but you need a cutie mark.” She concentrated as an image of what looked like a galaxy appeared on her flanks. “Hmm, I feel like it needs something… Do you think you can add glasses?” She worked her magic and went through a few different pairs of glasses before settling on a pair of simple oval shaped ones. “Perfect. Now how about a name?”
“How about Pyra?”
“Sounds good to me. It doesn’t look like much is gonna happen any time soon so I’m gonna take a quick nap by this rock here. Wake me up if something starts to happen.” I sat by the rock and covered my eyes with the cowboy hat that was randomly lying there as I took my nap.
I was jostled awake a few hours later by Pyra who said, “I think there’s gonna be a battle.”
“A battle? What do you mean?” I looked over the rock to see the entire herd of buffalo perche on top of a hill facing the town where the ponies were all preparing to defend. “Oh great, it’s cowboys and Indians all over again. At least ponies don’t use guns.” Not yet at least.
Then, the clock tower struck noon because that’s the only time things ever happen in western towns. I looked up to Chief Thunderhooves who was leading the buffalo as the clock rang out on its final chime. He looked like he wasn’t going to go through with it. But then Pinkie had to come in and mess everything up. She was wearing this fucktarded western showgirl outfit and singing the most annoying song I had ever heard. This was apparently enough to drive the Chief to begin the stampede as the buffalo raged down the hill.
What commenced afterwards was a series of events that looked like they would have occurred in a children’s cartoon show that didn’t promote violence. The buffalo rammed into everythin and everyone they could and the ponies threw pies at them and hid anvils in hay. The battle--if you could even call it that--ended when the Chief was hit by a pie which then slid down his face and onto his tongue where he tasted it and proclaimed that the orchard could stay as long as a path was cut and they could have some pie. Conflict solved and everythings good so we all boarded the train and went home after planting Bloomberg.
“Hey, Síor, who’s your friend?” Pinkie asked.
“Everybody, this is Pyra,” I said. “Pyra this is Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Spike. Pyra’s going to be staying with us for a little while while she gets back on her feet, er, hooves.” Introductions over, the train took off and we went back home.
Chapter 20--Random Filler Chapter
Chapter 20--Random Filler Chapter
After returning to Ponyville, I started teaching Mim the ins and outs of Ponyland. Twilight and Spike were out for the day so I let her drop her disguise.
“So Mim, what do you know about Equestria?” I asked her.
“Other than its main inhabitants being ponies, I know nothing. This is my first time out of the hive,” she replied.
“Well, might as well start off with the basics. A little over 6 billion years ago, the human race grew and ended within the course of a few million or so years. With the birth of the humans, came a being known as Discord. Discord had fun with the humans causing chaos and distorting reality until he went too far and the humans were wiped out by one of his pranks. In the absence of the humans, many other animals were able to struggle their way to sentience. I assume that one of these was the alicorns--the big ponies with both wings and horns. Something happened that caused the alicorns to be nearly wiped out--I assume Discord had a role in this because the changelings and the other ponies spawned from this near-extinction. It was then decided that the power of magic in common use should be decreased and limited to only unicorns and the remaining two alicorns. Either by dumb luck or by the handiwork of Discord, the last two alicorns were a male and a female and thus were able to reproduce. They were also able to successfully reproduce with the other ponies. The alicorns usurped the rule of the ponies under the claim that they control the cosmic forces. To a small extent, they do but not enough to be considered gods. Only the alicorns that have the main rule of Equestria or a province know of the lie and they have kept it up in the fear that mutiny will occur if they reveal the truth. After generations of third-cousin marriages, the alicorns were able to survive until the current ruler Celestia was visited by Discord. He made a deal with her that eventually led to all of her relatives being trapped, transformed, or otherwise taken away to the point that she was left alone for a thousand years. That thousand years began to end a few months ago when Celestia’s sister Luna was freed from her nightmarish prison. That was also the day that I woke up from my 6-billion-whatever-year sleep and Twilight summoned me here. Long story short: I now have a manticore named Qene; from what I can tell, I’m stuck in this time; Twilight won’t let me leave the Ponyville-Everfree area without an official summons; and life is relatively boring until someone decides to do something stupid or get into danger or kidnap me.”
“I think that’s enough to go on for now.”
“Good, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.”
“I do have one question. Why are you keeping me disguised?”
“The ponies and the changelings have a bit of a rough past. I just think it’s best if you stay disguised until after the treaty or if I decide that Twilight is in a miraculously good mood and can take a little surprise, which is about as likely a chance as me finding another human. Just stick with your disguise and don’t let anyone know that you’re a changeling unless I give you the go ahead.”
“Can do, but I’ll need a reliable food source to keep up the disguise.”
“Chrysalis said you feed on lust, right?”
“Yep.”
“Well, then the best way to feed you is to just let you have sex with people.”
“Are there any limitations to who I can have sex with?”
“No one that’s married or in a relationship. Other than that, you're free to bang who you please as long as you keep up the disguise.”
“Do you know who’s in a relationship or married around here so I know to stay clear of them?”
“Well, I don’t really talk to ponies in town but for sure, Mr. and Mrs. Cake are obviously married to each other. They live and work at Sugarcube Corner. Big place, looks like a gingerbread house, can’t miss it. Other than that, I only know of Fluttershy who’s in a relationship with me. That’s all I know.” We heard the front door open and Twilight called out for us. “Disguise now!” Mim transformed into Pyra and we walked out of the study where we were.
“There you two are,” Twilight said when she saw us. “What were you doing in the study?”
“Nothing. I was just making sure Pyra knew the place well enough to get around.”
“Oh, well I bought some stuff for dinner. Have you been hunting recently? Last I checked we were still out of meat.”
“No I haven’t had much chance. I’ll probably go out tomorrow. The seasons getting better for hunting anyways. Animals tend to move around more in the fall to stay warm so they should be easier to get. Expect some more meat within a few weeks.”
“Applejack told me you were doing an experiment with her in a few weeks, right after the Running of the Leaves. Make sure you don’t get too involved in your hunting and forget about that, she wouldn’t be very happy with you.”
“I wouldn’t dream on missing out on this experiment. It is sure to be a good one.”
“Oh? And what is this experiment of yours going to be?”
“It’s a surprise. And depending on the outcome, you’ll find out soon enough.”
“Whatever.”
“Hey do you know anyone thats looking to get laid?”
“Blunt as always, I see. No I don’t. Why do you ask?”
“Because Pyra’s kind of a slut and is looking for a good time, if you know what I mean.”
“Well, I’m sure if Pyra wanted to find somepony, she could fairly easily. As long as she doesn’t mind mares, that is. There aren’t many stallions in Ponyville.”
“True enough. How long ‘til dinner, I was gonna introduce Pyra to a friend of mine.”
“What friend? I didn’t know you had made any new friends.”
“You don’t know him. He’s not very sociable and tends to stay hidden. I actually met him shortly after my meeting with Celestia but we don’t really see each other often so I thought I’d pay him a visit.”
“Alright. Well, don’t be too long. Dinner will only take about an hour to make.”
“Ok, we’ll be back then.” I led Pyra out and started walking into town.
“So, who’s this friend of yours?” she asked.
“I’m taking you to meet the Doctor.”
“Why are you taking me to a doctor, I feel just fine?”
“Not a doctor, the Doctor. That’s his name.” I led the way through town until I came to the not-so-inconspicuous blue box that was the TARDIS. I tried the door to see that it was unlocked so I just walked in. I then pulled a carrot out of my pocket and started munching on it saying “What’s up Doc?”
“Nice one, Síor. What brings you by?” he said.
“I just thought I’d stop in and say hello. Also, I’d like you to meet my new friend slash servant.”
“Friend slash servant? Interesting combination of labels. And where is this friend slash servant of yours?”
“Probably outside doing the whole ‘bigger on the inside’ thing.”
“Ah, yeah. I don’t know why everyone always does that. Especially the ponies. You’d think they’d just assume it was magic or something.”
“You’d think.”
Then Pyra came back in and said, “It’s--”
“Bigger on the inside,” I finished. “Yeah, I know. So, Doctor, how are your feelings towards changelings?”
“I love changelings! One of my best friends was a changeling once. Of course that was before he was genetically modified to be a parasprite. But that’s a long story with a sad ending and some romance and adventure. Anyways, why do you ask?”
“Because Pyra here, is actually a changeling.” Pyra turned back into Mim. “And her name is actually Mim.”
“So you’ve acquired a changeling as a friend slash servant? Why do you say she is both?”
“Well, I went to Appleoosa recently--not exactly by choice--and while there, I was taken to the changeling hive to meet the queen.”
“You met Queen Chrysalis?”
“Yeah, she’s a fun one. Anyways, long story short she gave me Mim because apparently she doesn’t want her around anymore. Also I got a list of all the changelings in Equestria and their disguise names and what they look like when disguised.”
“Now that could be very useful.”
“Exactly what I was thinking.”
“Any particular reason you decided to bring Mim to meet me?”
“Not really, I just kinda wanted to come talk to you.”
“Well, it is always nice to see a friend. I just wish I could get this bloody machine to work again so I could see some of my closer friends.” When he said that, the TARDIS let out what sounded like an angry noise. “I’m sorry, dear. I know you're more than just a machine.”
“Well, what do you still need to fix?”
“The dematerialization circuit keeps dematerializing, the protoplasm levels are low, the thermocouplings aren’t coupled, the time-warping template is warped, the vespian transmogrifier ratchet override flangestimulator is probably doing something it shouldn’t, the time cylinders have warped into cubes, and there are countless other things that I don’t feel like naming or haven’t found yet.”
“Sounds like a real problem. How’d you get in such a condition?”
“When I was arriving in this time period, the time vortex reacted as though there were some supernatural forces acting on it. The TARDIS was thrown around violently and when we finally landed, in was inoperable.”
“Why did you come to this time period anyways?”
“I was responding to a series of immense distortions in the...and the...complicated. Basically, my timey-wimey detector was going off the chart dinging nonstop every time I came near this time period. And as I’m sure you know the it goes ding when there’s stuff. So after narrowing down the exact time period, I finally found this one and so here I am. But now that I’m here, my timey-wimey detector isn’t working. It’s like that same force that didn’t want me here is now trying to hinder me from discovering why.”
“Hmm. I wish I could help but I don’t know anything about temporal anomalies. That’s clearly your expertise. And I’m also not an engineer so helping you repair the TARDIS would be pointless. Well, I came here for another reason but I forgot it now. So, we’ll be on our way.” Mim turned back into Pyra and we left the TARDIS on our way back home.
“This mysterious force sounds a lot like it could be Discord,” Pyra said.
“That’s exactly what I was thinking. I really wish I was able to get more info on him. There’s just too much stuff happening that keeps linking back to him. He’s supposed to return in less than a year and I know next to nothing about him.”
“You could always see if the Queen has any info on him.”
“True. And you probably should mention Queen Chrysalis while we’re out in public. From now on, we’ll call her Chryssy, ok?”
“It seems odd to call my ruler by a nickname but if it is what my new master wishes then it is what shall be done.”
“Also, cut with the whole master shit. Yes, I have been given the right to make you do whatever I want but if you don’t feel right doing something, then I won’t make you do it.”
“You certainly are kinder than Qu--I mean, Chryssy.”
“Eh, whatever. I’m just being me. Some people get the nice side, others get the part of me that you really shouldn’t fuck with.”
“I see. Well, I’m glad I got the nice side.”
“That’s mainly because you haven’t given me a reason to flip shit all over you.”
“I’ll try to keep it that way.”
“That would be appreciated.” We had arrived back at the library now. We walked inside and I yelled, “Twilight, is dinner ready yet?”
“You don’t need to yell, Síor,” she replied. I then noticed that she was standing right in front of me. “I was actually about to come looking for you. Yes, dinner is ready. Go wash up please.”
We both walked over to the bathroom to wash up for dinner. While in there, I asked, “So, Pyra, what does Chryssy mean when she said ‘intelligentsia, sentient, drone?’”
“Those are the ranks of the changelings,” she explained. “The ranks are determined by intelligence. In actuality, there are four ranks: intelligentsia, sentient, super-drone, and drone. Intelligentsias are the highest rank with the highest intelligence. They are typically take the role of war planning and performing other important, high-intelligence tasks. Sentients are below them, working mainly as mission-goers. Next is the super-drones. They are sentient but are unable to voice their thoughts. They typically are assigned to building management. Lastly is the drones. The lowest intelligence of changeling is barely more than an animal. They are the equivalent of a working class, building and caring for the young. Each class is capable of performing some magic beyond transforming but the higher the intelligence, the better the magic.”
“Ok, so what rank are you?”
“I am a sentient who was lucky enough to be Chryssy’s hoofmaiden.”
“Well, it’s good that you’re able to perform magic because that will be necessary with the unicron disguise.” We had finished washing up and went back out to the kitchen to eat. “What’re we havin’ Twi?”
“Stir fry.”
“Again? Can’t you make me some steak?”
“I told you before you left that we’re out of meat.”
“Oh yeah. Do me a favor and wake me up early tomorrow so I can go hunting.”
“If I wake you up, will you actually get up.”
“Yes. God, you sound just like my mother.”
“What’s God?”
“I’ll tell you later.”
We sat down and ate. After a while, Twilight noticed that Pyra wasn’t eating. “Pyra, aren’t you gonna eat?” she asked.
“Oh, uh, I’m not hungry,” Pyra said.
“Ok, well there’s plenty of food. Whenever you want to eat, feel free to make something.”
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” In actuality, Pyra was practically starving but, being a changeling, she couldn’t eat normal food.
The rest of us finished eating and cleaned up before heading to our respective rooms to go to sleep because Twilight doesn’t allow us out of our rooms after dinner. Pyra slept in my room because apparently it was the only guest room. This is when Pyra told me that she was indeed hungry. “Well, do you have any species preference?” I asked her.
“No. But sentient species are easier to get lust from.”
I led her through a door in my room that led to Qene’s room. “Pyra, meet Qene. You have my permission to have the kinkiest sex possible with him. Also, he’d probably prefer you to be manticore formed so you can change your disguise for this just as long as you change back before Twilight sees you.”
“Can do.” She transformed into a female manticore and went over to Qene.
“And you’re free to do this every night as your food source. If you want other species, though, you’re on your own. And please wait until I’m out before you start.” I walked back into my room where I whittled for a bit until I had fallen asleep. I had actually gotten really good at whittling to the point that I was tempted to try selling some of my creations. My only problem was that most of my carvings were of things from my own time and no one would recognize any of them. I’m sure I could think of something though.
The next few weeks were filled with me showing Pyra/Mim the ropes of fitting in around here and some efficient hunting trips that refilled the freezer. That is until the day of the Running of the Leaves and the events that occurred right after.
Chapter 21--The Running of the Leaves
Chapter 21--The Running of the Leaves
It was nearing the technical end of summer--meaning September 23-- which meant that it was almost time to start our experiment. The Running of the Leaves was scheduled for the 23rd but I wanted to make sure everything was in order before we began. The day before the race, I went over to the farm to find Applejack.
When I got there, I found her and Rainbow Dash playing horseshoes. I idly watch as they finished.
Dash pitched her first shoe and got within a foot of the post. “Woo hoo!” she cheered.
“Hoo-wee! Not a bad pitch for a pony who works with her head in the clouds,” AJ said.
“Oh yeah ! Think you can do better cowgirl?”
“I know I can!” She pitched her shoe and got not quite as close as Rainbow’s. “Oh for Pete’s sake!”
“Heh! Looks like the pegasus can pitch better than the workhorse. The object of the game is to get the closest to the stake.”
“Alright, alright. You got one more throw there, ponygirl.” AJ said, placing a horseshoe on Rainbow’s nose. Rainbow threw it a little too far and it hit a tree in the distance. “Wow, Rainbow! You couldn’t hit a barn door with that kind o’ throw!”
“Yeah, yeah. I still have the closest throw, Applesmack . Just try and beat it.”
AJ threw her last shoe. As it flew through the air, it took on a spin before landing on the stake and ringing around. “Yeehaw! It’s a ringer! That’s how you do it down here on the farm.”
“I lost.”
“Ah, don’t feel too bad Rainbow. It’s all in good fun.”
“I hate losing.”
I decided to step in at that point, tipping the cowboy hat from Appleoosa that I decided to keep. “Alright,” I said, “let the master show you how it’s done.” I collected all four horseshoes and went back to the pitching line. “Four ringers, that’s my call.”
“Four ringers, eh?” Rainbow said. “Care to place a bet on that?”
“I have no money to bet.”
“No, but I know something you have that I’d like.”
“And what might that be? All I have is a cell phone which is useless for anything except a paper weight, a charger for said cell phone which is useless because there are no outlets in Ponyland, an extension cord for times when the phone crager isn’t long enough which is useless for the same reason, a coin pouch filled with worthless money, a wallet filled with more worthless money and a bunch of cards that have been expired for 6 billion years, a disposable lighter that has about 93% fuel left, a multi tool pocket knife, a few pencils, a notepad, some paper that has notes on it that you probably wouldn’t understand, a dagger, a sharpening rock for said dagger, some wood carvings, some gloves which you can’t wear anyways, a crossbow which you can’t use, and a bunch of clothes. All conveniently kept in a magical bag of holding. What of that could you possibly want?”
“I don’t want any of that. I want your help with something.”
“And if I win, you have to help me with something.”
“Deal.” She spat on her hoof and held it out for a traditional spit shake. I did the same with my hand and we shook.
“Alright, let’s do this.” I then set forth to prepare my throws.
First, I checked the wind. Next I looked at the elevation differences. Then, I eyed the distance between myself and the multiple trees that were around as well as the distance between each of the trees. Finally, I saw four geese flying overhead. I quickly pulled out my crossbow and shot the geese. As they fell I threw a horseshoe at each. The shoes ringed around each bolt that was still stuck in the geese before flying off, bouncing on three trees and finally circling the stake as each of them rung around it. I turned to the ponies who were standing there with their mouths hanging open.
“There you go, four ringers and dinner.” They were still just staring. “So about that favor…”
“Alright, you won fair and square,” Dash said. “What do you want me to do?”
“Well, AJ and I are planning a bit of an experiment and we need a test subject. So, now that you owe me a favor, that’s how you’re gonna pay it off.”
“I dunno. That sounds a little dangerous.”
“I assure you it’s nothing that will hurt you. At least not long-term.”
“Fine. But if I get hurt, I’m getting my revenge.”
“Fair enough. What do you to have planned for the rest of the day?”
“Well, even though you’re obviously a better athlete than both of us--”
“Better athlete? You mean what I did with the horseshoes? That wasn’t athleticism, that was simple physics and geometry. All I did was calculate the distance between the each of the trees and myself. From that I determined the angle at which four falling geese with bolts in them would need to fall to have a shoe on each fly off, bounce on the trees and ring the stake. Then, all that was left was to time the throws at the falling geese and make sure I actually hit the geese with the crossbow. Simple as that.”
“Yeah, simple. Anyways, I was wanting to see who the better athlete between me and Applejack is.”
“An’ how d’you reckon we do that?” AJ asked.
“With an Iron Pony Competition,” Dash answered.
“A what?”
“A series of athletic feats to test our strength, speed, and other athletic attributes.”
“Sounds good. Whataya say this afternoon?”
“Are you sure that’ll be enough time for you to get ready?”
“I can be ready anytime.”
“Alright, we meet in the park at noon then.”
They spit-shook and left to get ready.
I went to the park around noon to watch the competition because I had nothing better to do. Apparently they had time to set up a scoreboard because there was one where there wasn’t one before. I saw the Rarity and Pinkie sitting in some bleachers that also weren’t there before. Fluttershy was apparently manning the scoreboard and Twilight was apparently the ref and Spike took on the role of announcer, using a stick as a microphone. I took my seat in the bleachers as the competition was about to begin.
The first event was a barrel weave. Rainbow won that because AJ nudged one of the barrels and got a 5 second penalty. Next was the strength test which is just like a strength test at a carnival except they kicked the target rather than hitting it with a hammer. Dash rung the bell but AJ shot the bell out of existence due to her years of applebucking. After that, there was the bronco buck in which they had to buck Spike off their backs. Rainbow won this. Then there was the lasso contest where they had to lasso and hogtie Spike. AJ won this though Dash tied herself up in a tree by accident and asked if it counted. It didn’t. Next, was the ball bouncing contest which Dash won due to her nearly-record-breaking streak. AJ won the hay bale toss. Dash got the arm wrestle--or hoof wrestle, I guess. AJ got the football kick because apparently football exists in Ponyland. Dash won the push up contest but only because she used her wings to give her one more--you’d think Twilight would call her out on that. After that, each event was won by Rainbow mainly because she used her wings. AJ accused her of cheating--rightfully so--and challenged her to race in the Running of the Leaves the next day.
The next day came which meant I didn’t die in my sleep. Twilight, Spike, Qene and I were headed to the Running of the Leaves race thingy. Spike wanted us to hurry so he could be the announcer again but that job had already been taken by Pinkie. She let him be her co-reporter, though, and they gave some very interesting announcing. And of course Twilight decided she had to surprise everyone and signed up for the race.
“Fillies and gentlecolts,” Pinkie announced, “welcome to the annual Running of the Leaves! This is Pinkie Pie, your official p-eye-in-the-sky announcer here with my fellow announcer Spike.”
“Glad to be here, Pinkie,” Spike said.
“As everypony knows, the Running is a very important tradition for without it, the autumn leaves of Equestria would never fall.” Yes they would. “So get ready ponies, the Running of the Leaves will begin in five minutes.”
The racers took their places at the starting line. Pinkie and Spike were using Twilight’s hot air balloon so they could report form the sky. Luckily for me that meant that Qene and I could watch the race from the platform Twilight had installed beneath the basket. We flew up there and took our perch as the race was about to begin.
“Alright ponies, are you ready?” Pinkie announced.
“Get set,” Spike said.
A bell rang signalling the start of the race. “And they’re off! Welcome to the official coverage of the Running of the leaves! You know, Spike, despite its name, the leaves don’t do any of the running. No, that’s left to my little ponies.”
“Why, yes, Pinkie, it’s the running of the ponies that causes the leaves to fall.” No it isn’t. I’ve often wanted to just get up on my soapbox and tell all the ponies what’s wrong with some of their beliefs. But I figure that would cause a rather major paradigm shift. One step at a time.
“Ugh, those lazy, lazy leaves. But this year, the run is about more than the weather. It’s about the race to the finish and the two ponies who want to win it: Applejack and Rainbow Dash.”
“You know, Pinkie, these two ponies have a bit of a grudge match they’re trying to settle. Trying to prove who’s the most athletic.”
“Yes, and grudge rhymes with fudge.”
“Yes, it...does. What?”
“And I like fudge! But if I eat too much fudge, I get a pudge and then I can’t budge without a nudge from a drudge.”
“So...no fudge?”
“Oh, no thanks. I had a big breakfast.”
“Hey Spike, I’d like some fudge,” I called up to him.
“Síor, I don’t actually have any fudge,” he called back.
“Well, then why are you offering some?”
“I wasn’t...whatever. Let’s get back to the race.”
“Checking in with our two competitive ponies, Applejack and Rainbow Dash,” Pinkie said. “Having come fast out of the gate, Applejack and Rainbow Dash are evenly matched running neck and neck. But what’s this? Applejack is making a move, she’s now ahead by a nose. But rainbow Dash won’t let Applejack take the lead. She’s ahead by half a nose. Or maybe three quarters of a nose. No, about 63.7% of a nose.”
“Actually, I think it’s closer to 63.14159265%. Roughly speaking of course,” I said.
“Applejack sees this move and pushes forth with her strong workhorse legs slinking ahead by 350 noses!”
“Ho-hold your horses, Pinkie! Rainbow Dash is catching up to the front runner Applejack!” Spike said.
“What an upset. I thought Applejack had this in the bag.”
“Oh, that’s gonna be costly. Applejack just tripped over a rock! She’s now at the back of the pack.”
“Yes, Spike, but she’s working hard to catch back up.”
“And I don’t believe it. After that huge setback, Applejack is back at the front of the pack fighting Rainbow Dash once again for the lead.”
“She’s the head of the pack alright. The pick of the litter! The cat’s pajamas! Oh wait, why would Applejack take some poor kitty’s PJs? That’s not very sporting of her.”
“Maybe the cat was being mean so she took it’s pajamas to even the score,” I suggested.
“But Applejack knows that two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“But three rights make a left.”
“Ok,” Spike said. “Let’s get back to the race.”
“And what a race it is! Applejack and Rainbow are still neck and neck. But wait! Oh no! Rainbow Dash tripped on a stump. She takes a hard fall but she gets back up, not ready to quit yet.”
“This year’s Running of the Leaves is brought to you by the season autumn. Everything dies so it can come back in the spring.”
“And by the number snyeven. It’s a seven with a little squiggly above it.”
“I don’t think that’s a real number, Pinkie.”
“The world may never know!”
“Anywho, I think this commercial break has lasted long enough.”
“Right you are, Spike. Welcome back Ponyvillians, it’s me Pinkie Pie.
“And Spike. Looks like Rainbow Dash is doing her best to catch up.”
“I’m not sure how ketchup is going to help her in this contest. Now, in a hot dog eating contest it can make those veggie dogs nice and slippery, but personally, I prefer mustard. How about you, Síor?”
“I prefer bratwursts,” I said. “Spike?”
“Uh...I...like...pickles?” Spike said, hesitantly.
“Aaand it looks like Applejack has found her self in quite a pickle as Rainbow Dash overtakes her,” Pinkie said.
“As the racers enter Equestria’s Whitetail Woods, Rainbow Dash is back in the lead.”
“The racers have to be careful going through these woods. There’s lots and lots of low branches that they could run into.”
“Ooh, that’s gotta hurt! Applejack has just been hit by a branch after Rainbow Dash pulled it out of the way.”
“I don’t know about you Spike, but I think Rainbow Dash might have done that on purpose.”
“That may be so, but Applejack is using that tree branch to her advantage as she slingshots herself to the front.”
“As the racers work their way through the woods, the signs will point them where they need to go. But what’s this? Applejack is nowhere to be found. As the rest of the racers follow the signs, Rainbow Dash stops for a rest while the other ponies pass her. She soon notices this and takes off again to regain her lead.”
“Applejack has been spotted atop a cliff.”
“Applejack, what are you doing up here?”
“There aren’t even any trees.”
“Well, no but the sign pointed this way...Rainbow . Mind givin’ me a lift?” AJ asked.
We lowered a rope for her and brought her back to the front. Rainbow wasn’t very happy about this, though.
“I must say, Spike,” Pinkie said, “this has been the most interesting Running of the Leaves in Equestria History!” How would she know? Equestria’s history has been covered up so much that no one even knows any part of the truth.
“With the most interesting announcing,” Spike added.
“But it’s not the running that’s been fascinating. It’s the lack of running!”
“Right you are, Pinkie. Applejack and Rainbow Dash are so caught up in finding new ways to get the lead that they haven’t even noticed that all the other racers have passed them.”
“That may be so, but now they’re just trying to beat each other. And once again they’re neck and neck, jockeying for position. Applejack inches ahead, now it’s Rainbow Dash, it’s Applejack, it’s Rainbow Dash, it’s Applejack--”
Rainbow bumped AJ. “Oh no, she di’int,” Spike said.
AJ bumped back. “Oh yes, she di’id,” Pinkie said.
They continued bumping each other as they approached the finish line. Rainbow pulled AJ’s tail to pull her back. AJ tried to repeat this but instead grabbed the ropes tying down Rainbow’s wings. Rainbow took this chance to use her wings but AJ wasn’t going to allow that so she tackled her to the ground and they fought their way to the finish line, each claiming to have won until we landed next to them and Spike said, “You tied!”
“Tied?” they asked together.
“For first?” AJ asked.
“For last!” Pinkie said.
“Last?!” they asked together again.
“Then who won?” Rainbow asked.
Twilight walked over to them bearing a medal around her neck. “You?!” Dash and AJ asked, directed towards Twilight.
“Oh, no,” Twilight said. “But I did get fifth place, which is pretty good considering I’ve never run a race before.”
“What?” AJ asked. “How’s that even possible?”
“You ran so slow , and looked at the scenery ,” Dash added.
“Exactly,” Twilight explained. “I paced myself, just like my book said. Then at the end, when all the other ponies were worn out, I sprinted to the finish.”
“I don’t believe it,” Dash said. “Twilight beat us.”
“Well, with all your horsing around, it was quite easy,” Twilight said.
“You’re right, Twilight,” AJ admitted. “Our behavior was just terrible.”
“We weren’t very good sports,” Rainbow added.
“Sounds to me that an important lesson was learned,” Celestia said as she walked up to us.
“Princess Celestia?!” Dash and AJ said together as they bowed.
“Hey Cellie, what brings you ‘round here?” I asked.
“Fall is one of my favorite seasons, so I came to celebrate the Running of the Leaves,” she explained.
One of? There’s only four seasons and you have multiple favorites? And besides, the Running of the Leaves is just a scam anyways, the leaves fall on their own.
“It’s still a wonderful tradition. And you know I can’t let the ponies think that anything works without the work of either myself, Luna or them,” Celestia’s voice said inside my head.
I suppose that’s true. Wait, how are you able to communicate with me through my head?
“When I teleported you to get your trace, it also allowed a telepathic link to form. It only works at close range though.”
Huh, good to know, I guess. But your intrusion into my brain reminded me that there was a voice in my head that I needed to look into.
“Maybe it’s your conscience. You should try listening.”
Haha, very funny. Now get the fuck out of my head bitch.
She glared at me but consented to stop reading my thoughts.
“I'm sorry you had to see us being such poor sport, Princess,” AJ said.
“That's all right, Applejack. Anypony can get swept up in the excitement of competition,” Celestia said.
“It's important to remember that the friendship is always more important than the competition,” Twilight added
“Exactly, Twilight. Now, unfortunately, because the two of you were busy tricking each other instead of shaking down leaves, many of the lovely trees of Equestria are still covered.”
“Why, Princess, I bet we can knock those leaves down for you lickety-split,” AJ said. “Whaddya say, friend? Wanna go for another run?”
“I'd love to stretch my legs,” Dash said.
The two of them ran through the woods again while I chatted with Celestia. “So, Síor,” she said, “I hear you made a new friend during your recent trip to Appleoosa. I believe her name was Pyra.”
“How’d you know about that?” I asked
“You should know by now that Twilight tells me almost everything.”
When she mentioned Twilight, I realized that she wasn’t there anymore and I assumed she had gone back home. “I suppose that’s true. So what of it?”
“Well, it’s just that I don’t have anypony with that name in my census records. Where did you say she was from?”
“She doesn’t talk much about her past. She used to be a servant to some queen but that’s all I know.”
“I see. Twilight also mentioned that Pyra is what you might call sexually liberal.”
“You mean about her being a slut? Yeah I already talked to her about that. As long as she doesn’t sleep with anyone that’s married or in a relationship then I’ve given her free range.”
“I see. But you know this is my country so if anypony will make the rules about what somepony can and can’t do, it will be me. The guidelines you set are fine, just so long as she isn’t terrorizing my citizens.”
“What’s with all this ‘my’ business? I thought you were sharing the throne with Luna again.”
“That is true. I haven’t gotten used to having another ruler. It’s been 1000 years since Luna was my coruler so it will take some time.”
“Just remember, you’re not the only one that matters anymore. Hey, random question: now that you are no longer the sole ruler of the land, have you ever thought of starting a family?”
“What are you implying Síor?”
“Not with me, I’m already dating Fluttershy.”
“How is that going, by the way? Twilight says you make a nice couple.”
“Well, with everything that’s been going on since we started dating, I haven’t had a lot of time alone with her but we try to meet every so often to have tea and talk. We’ve gone out for dinner a couple times as well. Of course, I have to borrow money from Twilight because my money is worthless.”
“That’s right, you don’t have any Equestrian money. Have you tried looking for a job?”
“Well, it seems that all the jobs are determined by the pony’s cutie mark, which I don’t have. And at any rate, none of the skills I have would be useful. I’m a theoretical physicist and in a world that runs without electricity, it makes it hard to physically theorize anything.”
“I have no idea what a theoretical physicist is. Or electricity, for that matter.”
“My point exactly. I have no way of earning money with the skill set I have.”
“Well, you could always work for me. I always have something that needs to be done.”
“I’m sure. No offense, but I’d rather not work in Canterlot. The people there are too stuck up and rude.”
“I actually agree with you on that. I guess that’s what happens when they live in the rich capital city. Well, if you don’t want to work in Canterlot, I could always have you doing things here in Ponyville.”
“What kinds of things would I be doing?”
“Well, I could have you patrol the streets as a guard.”
“Don’t I have to be knighted for that?”
“Traditionally, yes. But I hear that my First Lieutenant Fancypants had informed you that I was looking to knight you.”
“That’s true, he did tell me that. He also said that Luna wanted to knight me.”
“So the rivalry begins already. I suppose you’d have to make a choice between the two of us.”
“Yeah, first I need to actually meet Luna. And besides, I wasn’t planning on making that decision until after the Meridian Party.”
“That’s not great timing. My niece is planning on getting married that spring.”
“Ah, a royal wedding. I can see how that can complicate things. Well, maybe I could be knighted after the party but before the wedding.”
“That’s possible. I’ll have to see if she would be willing to push the date back to June. The party is scheduled for May and she wanted to have the wedding right after but we could work some things out to make room for your knighting.”
“Now I just have to decide who I want to pledge to. Is not becoming a knight an option?”
“Sorry, but the only way I can employ you is if you become a knight. Unless, of course, you want to go back to finding your own job?” Now that’s just trolly, fucking Trollestia.
“Fine, give me a few months and I’ll try to decide by then.”
“Fair enough. It looks like Applejack and Rainbow Dash are done. You looked like you wanted to talk to them so I’ll leave you be.”
“Alright Cellie. TTYL.”
“What?”
“Talk to you later.” She left and I was able to talk to AJ and Dash. “So, AJ, Rainbow, let’s talk about our little experiment."
Chapter 22--Let's Make Booze
Chapter 22--Let’s Make Booze
Soon-to-be-knight’s log. Stardate: 6283182983730.3051. Layman's date: September 24th, 6,283,185,306 at about 7 in the morning. I find that if I keep track of when I do certain things, it helps me keep my sanity. Since the Running of the Leaves lasted all day, we had to wait until the next day to start making the applejack. Luckily, I had already gotten the yeast and made the starter that evening so it was ready to start by the next day. You may be thinking that I already know how alcohol affects ponies from the night of my birthday with Fluttershy but since I had gotten drunk with her, I don’t really remember the results. In any case, it was best that I took note of the effects while I was sober.
“Alright,” I said. “Do we have everything?”
“A ton of Sweet Apple Acres finest apple cider, a large mug, a stove, four pots, a bunch of honey, a few bags of brown sugar, four buckets and lids that look like they’ve been sanitized, four large spoons, and whatever is in those containers you got. What’s all this for?” Dash asked.
“Well, since you’ve already agreed to help, I guess I can tell you what we’re doing. We’re making alcohol.”
“Isn’t that illegal?”
“Yeah, what’s your point?”
“Wouldn’t you get in trouble?”
“Nah, I got Celestia wrapped around my finger so tight she doesn’t even know it. She won’t care what I do as long as it doesn’t endanger anyone, which is what we’ll be testing today.”
“Alright, well how do we make alcohol?”
“To make pure alcohol, I have no idea, but I do know how to make hard cider and applejack.”
“What are those?”
“Hard cider is cider that has been made alcoholic. Applejack is the next stage when the cider is frozen and the alcohol content is boosted.”
“An’ we’re makin’ both?” AJ asked.
“I don’t see why not. We need the cider for the jack anyways,” I said.
“Well, let’s get started then. What do we do first?”
“Well, I have four gallon-size starters. We’re gonna make three different types of cider and one batch of jack. So we’ll end up with a honey apple cider, a brown sugar apple cider, a straight apple cider, and an applejack. Step one, we pour an equal amount of the starters into the four pots.” They helped me with that process as we poured a gallon of starter into each pot. “Now we simmer them over medium heat for about 45 minutes. Two of them will need the honey or brown sugar added after a little bit but for now, we wait.”
We waited as the yeast simmered out, adding the honey and brown sugar after a few minutes and just making sure the product didn’t boil. After the 45 minutes was up, we turned off the heat and began brewing.
“Now, we pour about five gallons of the freshly made apple cider into each of the buckets.” That was done. “Add the starters.” Check. “Stir it up a bit.” Done. “Seal them with the lids and store them in a cool room at about 60° for about three weeks.”
“Three weeks? Well then why did I need to help? I thought I was just the test subject,” Dash said.
“Yeah, but I thought you might want to know what we’re giving you before the test,” I told her.
“Alright, fine. Let me know in three weeks when it’s ready.”
After about three weeks, in which time not much happened, the cider looked ready. We put one of the straight ciders in the freezer so it could distill and waited until that evening to start the test because I wanted a better atmosphere for drinking. We called Rainbow Dash back down to the farm to begin testing the effects.
“So, how’s this gonna work, am I just gonna down it until you tell me to stop?” she asked.
“Well, since we have three different kinds of cider, I was thinking we’d start with a mug of each and then you can keep drinking from whichever you prefer until I say that you’re drunk enough.”
“What’s ‘drunk?’”
“You’ll find out soon enough. AJ, ready a mug of the straight cider.” She did so while I pulled out my notepad and a pencil to note the effects. I handed the mug to Dash and said, “First test: straight hard apple cider with no additives. Drink this and describe how you feel.”
She down the drink in a few quick gulps. “It’s a little bitter,” she said.
“Yeah, but you get used to it after a few drinks. How do you feel?”
“Right now I don’t feel much different.”
“Wait a few minutes and it should kick in then. About ten minutes should do it.” Ten minutes later, I asked again how she felt.
“Ha dwI fel? I fel lock ahm ‘n toppa the world!”
“Slurred speech and apparent jovialness. She’s officially drunk. I guess it only takes one drink. I forgot how strong hard cider is. Well, she still needs to have a mug of the other two. Wanna see how drunk we can get her?”
“Sounds a bit dangerous, are ya sure this was a good idea?” AJ asked.
“Too late to go back now. The only way to go is forward.”
“Well, alrighty then. Let’s give ‘er the honey one next.” We filled the mug with the honey cider and gave it back to Dash. “Second test even though the first test was rather conclusive: hard apple cider with honey added.” She drank it and I walked back to the buckets where the rest of the cider was kept. After another ten minutes, I went back over to her to assess the damage.
“Síor, how’d ya ge’ tover her so fust? An’ how’reyou flyin’?” she asked. She wasn’t actually flying but she was flapping her wings very out of sync as though she were trying to fly.
“It’s a human trick. Don’t tell anyone, it’s my trump card.” I love messing with drunk people. “Do you think you can handle one more drink?”
“Ahm the bestat doin’ anuthen’. Gimme anotha one.”
I walked back to the barrels to tell AJ the results. “Visual impairment and a loss of depth perception are prevalent as well as delusional fantasies. Final test: hard apple cider with brown sugar added.” I filled the mug full one last time and brought it back to Dash right when she ‘landed.’ Of course this ‘landing’ caused her to stumble and fall flat on her face. I handed her the drink and waited for it to settle in before assessing her drunkenness. “Alright, let’s do some quick tests. Can you try walking in a straight line, one hoof directly in front of the next?” She took one step and somehow landed on her back. “Alright. Can you count backwards from 64 to 37?”
“64, 63, 61, 60, 49, 48, 47, 46, 43, 42, 41, 40, 41, 42, 43, 39, 38, 37.”
“That would be a no. Starting with G, recite the alphabet.”
“G, F, I, J, K, L, O, P, Q, S, T, W, X, and Z.”
“And finally, I’d like you to follow my pencil with your eyes.” I held my pencil up and moved it left, right, up down, etc. Her eyes would sometimes become fixed in a specific position possibly focussing on something behind where the pencil was and then she would go back to watching the pen. At one point she was looking elsewhere but she still kept moving her eyes. “Alright, I got what I needed. Congratulations, you are officially as drunk as I feel safe getting you.”
“Woohoo! Wha dwI win?”
“You win a place to sleep because there’s no way you’re getting home in that condition. Stay here while I talk to AJ.” I walked back to the farmer and said, “Well, she’s now as drunk as she can be without becoming life-threatening.”
“So now what?” she asked.
“Well, alcohol tends to lower inhibitions. If you know any stallions looking to get lucky, you could sic them on her and let them have their way.”
“Well, I would let Big Mac try, but I don’t really think he’d be up fer it. What about you? I heard you were making some new friends ‘round here. Do you have anypony in mind?”
“Now that you mention it, there is something I’d like to try. Stay here and don’t let Dash fall asleep or it’ll ruin the whole thing.” I quickly ran to the library.
“Hey Síor, is your experiment done?” Spike asked when I burst through the door.
“Not quite but I need Pyra to help me with the next part.”
“What do you need Pyra for?”
“Long story. I’ll tell you when you’re older.” I got to mine and Pyra’s room and upon not seeing her there, looked towards the door to Qene’s room where one of my socks was hanging on the doorknob like I had taught her to do if they were having sex. I didn’t hear any of the obvious noises associated with sex so I knocked on the door and waited for an answer.
After a couple minutes, Mim answered. Her mane was rather messy and she had a strong smell of sex on her. “Hey Síor,” she said. “What did you need?”
“I was wondering if I could borrow you for a second.”
“I was wondering when you would finally see the usefulness of a lust-craving changeling.”
“This isn’t for me but I will need your sexual prowess for this.”
“Oh? I never took you for a voyeur, Síor.”
“I’m not-- Just put your disguise on and follow me.” She did so and I led her out of the library. Spike gave us a strange look as we walked out, probably because he could smell the sex on Pyra but whatever.
We got back to the farm where Rainbow was still obviously drunk as she was trying to fly again and AJ was by the barrels trying not to laugh to hard. When she saw us she tried to stifle her laugh so she could talk to us. “Yer back. An’ ya brought Pyra. What’s this all about, Síor?” she asked.
“Applejack, can I trust you?” I asked her.
“Of course ya can.”
“If I tell you this secret, will you promise not to tell anyone? Not your friends. Not your family. Not even the princesses.”
“Yer kinda scarin’ me Síor but I’d never abandon a friend’s trust. What’s this secret o’ yours.”
I nodded at Pyra and she transformed back into Mim. “This is Mim. She’s a changeling.”
“A changeling? Heavens to Betsy! How in tarnation did you get a changeling?”
“Remember when we went to Appleoosa and I was gone most of the time? Yeah, I got kidnapped by buffalo one of whom was a changeling who took me to the changeling hive where I met with the queen who basically gave me her maid.”
“Well, I’ll be damned! So how’s she gonna help us with this experiment?”
“Mim, if I understand correctly, you are able to grow a dick if you so desire.”
“That is true. Where are you going with this? she asked.
“You see Rainbow over there?” She nodded. “She’s drunker than a Roman during the Festival of Dionysus.”
“What?”
“Nevermind. Point is: being drunk lowers inhibitions so she’d probably be willing to do whatever kinky things you want to do.”
“So, you want me to have sex with her?”
“Or at least try.”
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
“How can you possibly know that line?”
“What line? All I’m saying is that you either have sex or you don’t.”
“Right. Go forth and multiply then. Actually, I’d prefer that you didn’t multiply, I’m not sure how I’d explain to Dash how she got pregnant. Wait, can you even produce sperm?”
“Being born a mare, I cannot.”
“Makes sense. Now, enough chitchat. Go fuck her before the booze wears off. We’ll be waiting over here. Come find us when you’re done.” She went over to Dash to do her thing. AJ and I hid behind a bush while that happened. Time passed and Mim came behind the bush. “Well?” I asked.
“You were right about lowered inhibitions, but you were wrong about needing a dick,” she explained.
“Well, that’s an interesting turn of events. How is she?”
“She passed out shortly after we finished. If you’re done with me, I’ll be heading back home.”
“Unless Applejack wants her turn, you’re free to go.”
“Thanks fer the offer, but I’m good,” AJ said.
“Suit yourself.” Mim transformed back into Pyra and left. “We should probably get Dash inside, it’s starting to get cold.”
We went over to Rainbow to find her passed out drunk and flat on her face. We each took an end as we carried her into the farmhouse. I had already told Twilight that I would probably be sleeping there for the night because I expected the experiment to end up this way. Besides, I should probably make sure she’s ok in the morning. After a few weeks, the applejack was finally ready. Having already tested the effect of alcohol on ponies we decided to just have a mild celebration. AJ was happy to have the recipe for the cider, though, because apparently cider season was coming up soon and she wanted a new twist to sell. I made sure that I would get a cut of the profits since it was my idea. After doubling the price of regular cider, she agreed to let me have half of the proceeds.
“Just remember, I don’t want to sell the hard cider to any young ones. A customer must be older than the youngest member of your friend group to have alcohol,” I told her.
“Not a problem, Síor. I wouldn’t want anypony Applebloom’s age havin’ any o’ that happenin’ to them.”
“Good.” After our small celebration, I went home and prepared myself for another day in Ponyland.
A message from the wonderful lord of chaos.
Hello, my glorious Nachos. It’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. You’ll be pleased to hear that I have selected someone to be my new spy. The best part is, no one, not even Síor, will suspect a thing. And more good news: I should be making my escape from this stone prison very soon. You all have been very patient and loyal to your master and I will reward you all once my plan is complete. Until then, may the chaos be with you.
Chapter 23--The Owl
As I returned home from my celebration with Applejack and the applejack--which I gave her permission to produce and sell as she so desires as long as she doesn’t blame me if she gets caught--I noticed the flickering of candlelight from under the door to the study. I assumed Twilight was being a dumbfuck and left the candle burning in a library carved out of a tree from when she was writing her report on the meteor shower that happened earlier that night so I went in to blow it out.
When I walked into the study, I saw an owl quickly and very conspicuously returning to it’s perch on a coat rack. Of course, I assumed what anyone with common sense would assume: this owl was up to something.
I tried talking to it since most creatures are at least sentient. “Who are you and what were you just doing?”
“Hoo,” it responded.
“Yes, that’s what I asked, who are you?” I asked again before I realized that I had just fallen for the oldest owl joke ever. “Alright, so you can’t talk. Write it down then.”
He hopped down the the writing desk and found a blank piece of parchment. Then, using one of his own feathers as a quill, he began writing. When he finished, I read the note which was written in surprisingly good handwriting for an owl. It read: ‘Hello sir. I apologize if my presence alarmed you. I have come from a far away land in search of a place I could call home. I saw a piece of parchment fly out this window and caught it to return it to its owner. The owner was one Twilight Sparkle who, upon realizing how cold it was tonight, allowed me to stay as her pet. She has given me the name of Owlowiscious. Before you walked in, I was writing a letter to a friend recounting my journey. Now that you know my story, would you be so kind as to tell me who--and for that matter, what--you are?’
“Owlowiscious? I guess that’s what you get when all the names in this place are fucktarded. You asked who and what I am, so I’ll tell you. My name is Síor and I am a human. The last human actually. So, tell me, who is this ‘friend’ you were writing to and what ‘far away land’ do you come from?”
He wrote another note. ‘His name is Riddocs. He lives in the land I come from known as Chertchi Oatmeal.’
“Those are both obvious lies though I’m not sure how you came up with such creative names. In any case, I’m too drunk and tired to really care so I’ll let you carry on with your business for now. But I’ll be keeping an eye on you. Blow out the candle when you’re done.” I went back to my room and collapsed on the bed without a second thought. Unfortunately, I should have thought because there was a certain changeling spooning a certain brown stallion with an hourglass cutie mark. When I felt the lumpiness of people being in my bed, I immediately got up and kicked them awake. “Get up and get the fuck out of my bed. And I mean that in a literal sense, too.”
“Oh, uh, hey Síor,” The Doctor said. “Sorry about this. The floor is a little uncomfortable and Qene is rather protective of his hay stack. Don’t worry though. I’ll have your bed cleaned and ready for you to sleep in faster than you can say Raxacoricofallapatorius.” He and Mim quickly set to work making my bed sleepable again.
“Good. And I want to hear a full explanation of this in the morning after I’ve slept and when I’m sober.”
“How were you even able to get drunk, I thought alcohol was banned in Equestria?” Mim asked.
“It is. That doesn’t mean I can’t make it.” The Doctor had come back in with fresh sheets after taking the dirty ones out. “Now Doctor, go back to your TARDIS and Mim, go sleep outside, you’ve lost the right to sleep inside.”
“But, it’s raining,” she stated.
I looked out my window to see that it had started pouring in the time that I had come in. “So it is. But I don’t really care. Outside. Now.” They both left and I was finally able to get some much needed sleep.
The next day--which was technically still the same day since I had come home around 2 in the morning--I woke up around 2 in the afternoon because sleep. Twilight had come in at this time and noticed that I was still in my bed.
“Wake up sleepyhead, it’s 2 in the afternoon,” she said. She then did the one thing that one should never do to a hungover guy, she pulled the curtains to let in the sunshine. “It’s a beautiful day and I’m not going to let you sleep it away.”
“Somebody turn down the sun,” I mumble into my pillow. “And fuck off, Twi. I have a major hangover right now.”
“What’s a hangover?”
“Nothing, you’ll find out eventually. I’ll get up but only if you make me lunch.”
“Ugh, fine what do you want?”
“How about two double hedgehog bacon cheese squirrel burgers with a side of huckleberry-drizzled pheasant.”
“I know you just went hunting but if you keep eating like this you’ll be out of meat again by the end of the week.”
“Yeah, I don’t really give a fuck. Go make my food woman.” She left, allowing me to sleep until the smell of bacon woke me up. I got up and went downstairs to see the owl making my lunch. “The fuck is he doing cooking my lunch?” I asked.
“Oh, good, you’re up,” Twilight said. “Síor, this is Owlowiscious.”
“Yeah, we’ve met,” I said glaring at the bird. “And I don’t trust him to do anything out of my site, especially if that thing is making me food. So tell me bird,” at this point a had walked up to the owl and got right up in his face as I stared him down, “what did you do to the meat?”
“Síor, Owlowiscious didn’t do anything to your food. He’s my new junior assistant to help me when Spike is asleep,” Twilight said. “And while I’m gone, he’s in charge.”
“What?! Why would you leave such a secretive creature in charge of your favorite human?”
“First of all, you’re the only human I know so there’s no point choosing favorites. Secondly, I don’t trust you to be in charge of my library and Spike is still asleep. And third, what do you mean ‘secretive?’”
“I found this owl writing a letter to someone last night. When I asked for the name of the recipient, he gave me a name that was clearly false.”
“And what was the name he gave you?”
“I don’t remember. I was too drunk. But he told me by way of writing it down so it should be on a piece of parchment in the study.”
“Well, that’s helpful. There are countless parchments in the study, how do you expect to find the right one?”
“Because I left it right on the desk.” I went into the study to get the parchment but it wasn’t there. I looked around the desk and in every nook and cranny but it was gone. “I don’t get it. It was right here .”
“Síor, unless you can provide me with physical proof that Owlowiscious is up to something, I’m gonna go.” She left and I made no effort to stop her.
I went back to the kitchen to assault the owl. “Oh you’re clever. Hiding your tracks so your new ‘owner’ doesn’t get suspicious. Well, I’m on to you bird and if you think for a second that you can get away with your sneaky acts then you're wrong. I got eyes like a hawk--which are technically not as good as an owl’s eyes, but you get the idea.”
“Hoo,” he said presumedly in understanding.
I glared at him until he finished making my food. When he was done, I took a bite. “Not bad owl, but I still got my eye on you.”
As I finished my first burger, Spike came stumbling down the stairs. “What smells so good?” he asked.
“Double hedgehog bacon cheese squirrel burgers with a side of huckleberry-drizzled pheasant” I answered.
“You mean meat?”
“Yes, when you eat a dead animal, it’s called meat.”
“I’ve never had meat before, do you think I can try some?”
“Wait, what? You’ve never had meat before? You’re a fucking dragon, how can you never have had meat before?”
“Twilight never buys meat because nopony she knows eats it. The first time I even saw meat was when you went hunting.”
“Ok we need to fix this. Yo cook, get spike here a burger.” The owl complied. “Normally I would give someone a steak to introduce them to meat but all the animals that I would normally make into steaks are sentient and I don’t kill sentient creatures.” Spike waited for his burger as I finished my second one and my pheasant.
As he bit into the burger he said, “Oh my gosh, this is amazing. It’s almost as good as diamonds!”
“Yeah that’s meat for ya. If you want, I’ll even take you hunting some time, if Twilight will allow it of course. Although, that means I’ll have to get you a weapon. Unless you feel comfortable with using your claws and teeth to kill something?”
“Eh, not really.”
“Alright, a weapon it is then.”
“Hey, what’s with the owl?”
“Oh yeah. This is Owlowiscious, Twilight’s new junior assistant but I suspect him as something else.”
“Junior assistant? What do we need a junior assistant for?”
“For days like this where you sleep until 2:30 in the afternoon.”
“Fair point but I still don’t like it.”
“I think you’re just jealous.”
“Yeah, sure. So what’s this suspicion you had?”
“Last night I came home to find the owl in the study writing a letter to someone he would not give the real name of. When I asked him what he was doing, he wrote an explanation down on a piece of parchment including the fake name that he had come up with. I tried to show Twilight but when I went to get the note, it was gone, clearly showing that the owl is trying to hide his tracks.”
“Hmm, sounds fishy.” We both glared at Owlowiscious to see him looking obviously nervous.
“But Twilight won’t believe me without physical evidence.”
“Well, I believe you.”
“Thanks for you’re support of my suspicions. If you need me, I have to go talk to Mim.”
“Who’s Mim?”
“You know, the ch--er I meant Pyra, my mind isn’t working well yet.” That was close. I have to be more careful with that kind of sensitive information. Especially with someone so close to Celestia.
“Ok. Thanks for showing me how good meat tastes.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” My mind was already focused on the conversation ahead. I had no idea where Pyra would be at this time of the day so I went to find The Doctor first. As usual he was in the TARDIS, which I don’t think I’ve mentioned is hidden behind Sugarcube Corner. “Doctor, come.”
“Síor, I can explain--” he started.
“You can explain when I tell you to. For now, just come.”
“That’s another thing. You see I’ve had to be careful about how often I leave the TARDIS because ponies have noticed a certain human who keeps coming behind Sugarcube Corner for long periods of time. You’ve brought on suspicion.”
“Sounds like a personal problem. You’ll either come willingly or I will drag you out by your second heart.” That compelled him enough to follow. “Now then, where does your accomplice usually go around this time?”
“Accomplice is a little harsh, don’t you think? What we did wasn’t criminal.”
“No, but it was pretty fucking close. Do you realise how dangerous any relation with changelings is when they are at the brink of war with Equestria? Especially with the amount of suspicion that you have already brought upon yourself.”
“Brink of war? But I thought changelings and ponies lived in peace.”
“Clearly you missed something in the past millenium because that’s not the case. Celestia refused an alliance on more than one occasion and this led to the building of tension between the races. I’m sure there’s more to it than that but that’s the most I got.”
“I see. I wasn’t aware of this. Mim--”
“It’s Pyra when she’s in disguise.”
“Ok, Pyra typically goes to the park to take a nap around this time.”
We went to the park and passed Rainbow Dash who was also napping in a tree. We found Pyra high in a tree suspended by her own legs transformed to be a hammock. “Pyra!” I yelled up at her. It was enough to startle her out of her slumber and she lost hold of the tree and fell. “Before I start reprimanding you, might I compliment you on your body hammock. Are there no limits to your transforming abilities?” We began walking as I led them out of the park.
“Actually there are,” she said. “Color variance is difficult; only the most highly trained intelligentsia are able to change their colors, the rest of the changelings are stuck with whatever colors we choose the first time we ever transform. Most first-timers choose a form that has multiple body parts so that when they transform into a creature with all those parts they will be able to color each part differently. For example, my first time, I transformed into a young dragon. Midnight blue scales, sky blue belly, yellow and orange spines, green eyes, and red violet claws. Now whenever I transform, I will always have those same colors unless the creature I transform into does not have a certain differentiation in the colors. Additionally, there are size limits. No changeling can be bigger than a full-grown dragon or smaller than a parasprite.”
“Huh, good to know. Now, down to business. What the fuck were you doing in my bed last night?”
“Each other,” Pyra smugly answered.
“Not what I meant. Why in my bed?”
“We told you,” The Doctor said. “The floor was uncomfortable and Qene wouldn’t let us use his haystack.”
“Then you do it in a fucking bush, not in my bed!”
“Well, you said you would be out late so we thought we had time,” Pyra explained.
“That’s no excuse. And Doctor, I thought you were better than this.”
“Well, remember how I told you that one of my best friends was a changeling? Well, let’s just say it was a little more than a friendship,” he said.
“Of course.”
“Hey Síor, where are we going anyway? I thought you were taking us back to the library.”
“I need to make a quick stop first, then we can proceed with your punishment.” They followed me as we went into the Everfree Forest and onward to the home of a certain potion master zebra.
I knocked on the door and Zecora answered in her usual rhymeyness, “A wonderful surprise, if truth be told. What brings you to my humble abode?”
“I need a few potions,” I told her.
“You are a wonderful friend, and I hope I do not offend, but my potions cannot be free. Do you have a way of paying me?”
“I have no money but I can Pay you in favor.”
“For now, that will do. What potions need you?”
“First, something to keep these two troublemakers from hearing my plans.” I pointed to Pyra and The Doctor.
“A deafening liquid is what you seek. With it, information will not be leaked.”
She gave me a murky gray potion and I made the other two drink it. After making sure they couldn’t hear me, I asked Zecora, “How long will that last?”
“The amount they each consumed, an hour I presume.”
“Good. Now I can tell you what this is all about. I caught these two fucking in my bed so I’m trying to give them a proper punishment. Next, I need a sleeping potion.”
She gave me the purple liquid. “Three hours this will last, hopefully enough to complete your task.”
“That should be long enough. Next, I need--wait, what do you know about changelings?”
“A shape-shifting creature that feeds on emotion, in Equestrian history they caused a commotion. But I am rather trusting of the lot, from one of them, my skills I was taught. What provokes this inquiry? It seems rather eerie.”
“Well, Pyra’s actually a changeling and her name is actually Mim. I need a way to keep her from transforming for a while.”
“A morph-block is what you require. Your foresight is one to inspire. One week this will last. After that the spell will be dashed.” She gave me the black and blue potion.
“I always try to think of everything before planning something. Do you have anything that can provide nutritional sustenance for a changeling?”
“Emotion in a glass. Any preference I ask?”
“Lust if you have it.”
“A lust filled potion you desire but the main ingredients I still require. To make a potion to simulate lust, lust in its purest form is a must.”
“So what’s the purest form of lust?”
“I like to call it ‘essence of sex.’ The orgasmic fluids that are the effects. The ejaculation of both female and male will make this concoction not fail.”
“So someone needs to have sex?”
She nodded.
“And we have to collect the cum?”
Another nod.
“Well it ain’t gonna be me. I’m saving myself for someone special.” She doesn’t need to know about what may or may not have happened that one night at Fluttershy’s cottage.
“I believe your two friends here will do. Have them make love to complete the brew.”
“Fine.” I turned around to see Mim and The Doctor somehow holding cards and playing poker with rocks. I charaded to them that they needed to have sex and collect the cum. They went to the room Zecora said they could use and did their thing. Some time later, we had what we needed. Zecora made the brew and gave me the blue liquid that resulted.
“That should give one week of sustenance, so long as the consumer is not gluttonous.”
“Oh she won’t be, I can be sure of that. Now, do you have any rope?” She gave me 50 feet of rope. “And one more thing, what do you know about owls being used as spies?”
“A sneaky bird the owl is. And a good head is his. Many have suspected him of being a spy, but none have come close to proving this but I. I do believe that the owl does sneak, serving someone and giving them a peak. But who they serve I do not know. My investigation comes to a plateau. Beware the owl and all he does, or nothing will be as it was. He will tell his master what he wishes to hear. Then the world as we know it will disappear.”
“I need to figure out how to get rid of this owl then. Bye Zecora, I gotta go.” I left dragging the other two with me. Sometime on the way back the deafening wore off so I could talk to them normally. “Your punishment will begin once we get back to the library. If you resist any of the potions I give you, I will force them down your throats.”
“OK,” they both said.
We got back to the library and I dragged them to my room to begin the punishment. “First, Mim drink this.” I gave her the morph block and she drank it hesitantly. “Good.”
“That tasted disgusting, like sadness mixed with anger.”
“Consider that taste a part of your punishment. Next, both of you need to drink this.” I gave them the sleeping potion and they were out before they hit the ground. “Huh, powerful stuff.” Next, I got the rope and used it to hang them both from the ceiling by their front legs as I strung the rope across the ceiling to make sure they hung on opposite sides of the room. That took a couple hours because The Doctor was pretty heavy and I had to find something to balance the weight on Mim’s side. I had about an hour before the sleeping potion would wear off so I decided to get a little snack. And by get, I mean make the owl make it for me. And by snack I mean meal. I may not trust him with any information but he sure knows how to cook my meat right; Twilight always makes it too well-done. I finished eating and went back just in time for my prisoners to wake up. “Ah, glad to see your finally awake. Your punishment is hanging from my ceiling for a week. Take note that your ropes are attached so if you move too much it will affect your fellow inmate. Also, the potion I gave to you, Mim, was a morph block, it prevents you from transforming and it’s supposed to last the entire week. I have also gotten some liquid lust to feed you, Mim, and I have some extra food I can give to you, Doctor. Any attempts to escape will end in a longer and more suffering punishment. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go hunting.” I grabbed Qene and we hunted for the rest of the day. I should mention that hunting in this time period is difficult because it seems that just about everything on four legs is sentient. I’ve been living mostly off of pigs, birds, and fish as well as various small mammals. I went to bed to the complaints of my prisoners.
I woke up the next morning to some sort of commotion. I went downstairs to see what it was and also to get some breakfast. That owl may be a spy but at least he knows how to cook bacon without burning it. As it turned out, Spike had accidentally burned one of Twilight’s books and then lied to her about it, Then she found out and got mad. I ate my food and brought some up to The Doctor. When I got back down from feeding the inmates, I heard Spike mumbling something about getting rid of the owl.
“I agree,” I said as I ate some bacon. “He may be a good cook, but I can’t afford to have a spy watching me.”
“Spy?” he asked.
“How do you know he’s spying on you ?”
“Because, no offense, but I’m the only one here that’s interesting enough to spy on.”
“Well, either way, he’s gotta go.”
“True enough, any ideas?”
“Well, you know Rarity’s cat?”
“Opalescence, what about her?”
“She has a toy mouse. I was thinking we could steal it, rip the stuffing out, spread some feathers around, and pour some ketchup on it to make it look like Owlowiscious killed it.”
“That’s good in theory but instead of a toy, why don’t we use a real mouse? And then we could use the actual blood instead of ketchup.”
“Ok, sounds good.”
We went about setting our plan in action but just as we were almost done, Twilight walked in and caught us in the act. Spike decided to play innocent and try to sell it by saying, “That poor little field mouse! Who would do such a thing? It must have been Owlowiscious! ‘Cause owls eat, y’know, mice.”
“I don’t believe you two,” Twilight said. “I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that you would try something like this or that you actually thought this pathetic attempt would work. What is that, ketchup?”
“There wasn’t enough blood to make it convincing,” I explained.
“Síor, clean this up. Spike, go to your room and think about what you’ve done.”
We did as we were told. An hour later, I was studying Clover the Clever’s journal to see if there were any clues as to who this owl worked for when Spike came down with a hobo sack. “Where ya goin’?” I asked.
“I’m running away,” he said. “Twilight clearly doesn’t want me here anymore so I’m gonna try to make it on my own.”
“Ok, good luck with life.”
“You’re not gonna try to stop me?”
“Nah, if you’re right and Twi doesn’t want you then you can be free to live your life, if not then she’ll come looking for you. Either way, I don’t really give a fuck.”
He just nodded and left, leaving ketchup footprints in his wake.
Around nightfall, Twilight came in and asked where Spike was. I told her to follow the footprints and of course she dragged me along with her. We found him in the Everfree being chased by an adult dragon because he was eating the other dragon’s gems. Owlowiscious saved him by distracting the dragon while Twilight teleported us out. Twilight decided to through a party for Owlowiscious tomorrow for saving Spike. I figured it was pointless to try getting rid of him now so I’ll just have to be careful what I say around him.
The next day, after the party, I went to go talk to the dragon. As I walked into his cave, his voice boomed out from inside. “Who dares enter my cave? Another youngling trying to eat my gems? No this smell is different. But also familiar. Speak, who and what are you?”
I was just about to the main part of the cave now so he could surely hear me. “Síor, human.”
“Human? Could it be? After all these years?”
“In the flesh. I take it you knew humans once?”
“Long ago, in my youth, I was raised by a human, he taught me the ways of the humans and how to be kind and helpful. A personality which I keep hidden for risk of being banished from the hoard.”
“I take it being banished is a bad thing?”
“Being banished usually results in death. The other dragons do not take kindly to outsiders knowing their secrets.”
“I see. Do you remember the name of the human that raised you?”
“The last great wizard, Merlin.”
“Merlin? Then that means you’re--”
“Aithusa, the kind dragon.”
“If you’re Aithusa, why are you green?”
“My reputation is too well known amongst the elders, I have disguised myself to hide my true identity.”
“Elders? you mean there are dragons older than you?”
“Indeed. Dragons are immortal in a natural life though they can be killed in battle if one is strong enough. The last recorded death of a dragon was by King Arthur Pendragon, and he only did so by wielding Excalibur.”
“I really need to read that story again. Tell me, do you know the red dragon that once slept in the mountains nearby a few months ago?”
“You mean Draigoch? Did he forget his name again? Yes I know him, he is a good friend of mine though forgetful.”
“Well, he’s going to the Mareidian Party in the spring and I was wondering if you were going.”
“I shall, though while I am there, you must refer to me as Fafnir, it is my disguise name.”
“Fair enough. I’ll see you there then.”
“Farewell, Síor Human.”
On the way back I was stopped by someone. “Ah, is it not the human we see before us?”
“The one and only, who’s asking?”
“We are Princess Luna, Nightly Princess of Equestria.”
“So you’re Luna,” I said looking at the midnight blue alicorn. Her hair waved in the air as though it were being blown by some invisible force much like her sister’s did. “It’s about time we finally met. I’m Síor. How can I help you?”
“Thou mayst begin by explaining unto us why thou dost not use our proper title.”
“You mean why I don’t call you ‘princess?’ Because I don’t care about titles. As far as I’m concerned, titles are just a way of forcing respect out of people. I don’t use titles because respect should be earned not forced.”
“We understand thy reasoning. We hath come to thou for another reason.”
“Name it.”
“We request that thou teachest us how to ‘fit in’ in the modern society.”
“Well, you can start by talking normally. No one uses ‘thee’s or ‘thou’s anymore and why do you refer to yourself as ‘we?’”
“It is traditional to use the formal ‘we’ when addressing our subjects. It is also traditional to use THIS MUCH VOLUME but considering it is night and most of our subjects are sleeping, it would be unwise to be voluminous.”
“Very well. Until tomorrow, Síor.” She flew back to Canterlot and I went back to the library.”
A message from this guy (you can’t see right now, but I’m pointing at myself with both of my thumbs).
If you hadn’t guessed by now, the owl is my spy. There is only so much I can learn from inside Síor’s mind so I decided to send a spy in to see what can be seen. After Trixie failed me, I needed someone with a little more stealth. The goal for my little spy is to see just how much Síor knows about me and also to test how strong Twilight and her friends become in their friendship. The Elements work best when the wielders have a powerful bond--usually that bond is the will to defeat me in order to survive, but friendship is a powerful bond as well. Anywho, my plan to break out is nearly complete and I should be seeing all of your lovely faces by spring. until then, keep the chaos going.
Chapter 24--Nightmare Night
Chapter 24--Nightmare Night
“Síor, aren’t you going to get a costume?” Twilight asked as we were preparing for the Nightmare Night festival--that one I was telling Luna about that’s a lot like Halloween.
“Yeah but I need one more thing. What is the most horrifying creature that has ever existed?” I asked.
“Well, according to the spell that brought you here, it’s human. Why?”
“Ok, besides human. Maybe something with horns.”
“Well, there is the demon centaur, a creature that absorbs the magic of other races and uses it for his own evil purpose. But the only demon centaur alive is Tirek and he’s imprisoned in Tartarus. But you still haven’t told me why.”
“That’s fine, I need a dead one anyways. Just the skull actually. You think you could magic one in here?”
“I suppose, but why?” She magicked in a freaky skull that looked like a baboon crossed with a horse with some gazelle-like horns. It was just bigger than my head.
“That’s perfect. Could you speed-bleach it?”
“Sure. But I still don’t know why I’m doing this.” She bleached it clean.
“It’s the last part of my costume. After all, what’s a costume without a good mask?” I slid the skull over my head and it fit perfectly. “Now, there’s just one problem--I need to hide my eyes. Could you cover them with some sort of magical red glowing orbs that won’t affect my vision in any way?”
“I guess, but what are you supposed to be?”
I saw her horn glow and assumed the eyes were set. I then pulled on the cloak-robe that Rarity had made into a full closed robe with a hood. Next, I grabbed the long scythe that Applejack loaned me. “I am death!”
“How can you be a concept?”
“Humans have personified death to portray it as a being that governs the dead. There’s just one more thing that needs fixing--the voice needs to be deeper and more intimidating.”
“The greatest intimidation in a voice is one that is fluent in Old Equestrian. If I change your voice, you’ll be using ‘thee’s’ and ‘thou’s’ all night.”
“That’ll make me a bit of a hypocrite to Luna but I’ve done worse. Fire away.” She hit me with her best shot and I could feel my knowledge of language changing.
“Well, try it out.”
“What doth thou think?” I said in a deep voice that was not my own.
“Sounds like it worked. Now you haven’t asked what my costume is.”
“Very well, what dost thy guise depict?”
“Take a guess.”
“From the journal of Clover the Clever, I acquired a description of Starswirl the Bearded. If my recollection is correct, thou art he.”
“Yep. Now, where’s Spike?”
“I recall that he hath gone forth to his quarters to put on his disguise.”
“Oh yeah, I gave him the money to buy his own supplies this year, I wonder what he decided to make?”
“I’m a dragon!” Spike said as he came down the stairs wearing a dragon costume that made him look slightly bigger than he actually was.
“Indeed thou art,” I said.
“”Who are you? And why are you talking like that?”
“I am Death and thy time has come, mortal. Surrender thy soul unto me or I shall reap it from thy body!”
“Síor, knock it off, you’re scaring him,” Twilight said as she went over to comfort the young dragon who was visibly shaking in fear.
“That’s you, Síor? Why does your voice sound so deep and old?” Spike asked.
“Twilight hast changed my voice to better match my guise.”
“Huh. Ok.”
“Well?” Twilight asked expectantly. “Aren’t you going to guess what my costume is, Spike?”
“Uh, are you that one kooky grandpa from Ponyville Retirement Village?”
“I Starswirl the Bearded! Father of the amniomorphic spell? Did you even read that book I gave you about unicorn history?”
“Didst thou?” I asked Twilight. “Starswirl was the Father of the omniomorphic spell--a spell which allows the caster to change his or her form--not the amniomorphic spell--a spell which would allow the reader to transform anything into an amnion or sheep.”
“Oh, uh, my bad.” The doorbell that I didn’t know we had rang and Spike went to answer it.
A bunch of kids escorted by Granny Smith was at the door in their costumes and Twilight brought the bowl of candy while they chanted “Nightmare Night, what a fright, give us something sweet to bite!”
“Great costumes everypony!” Twilight said to them as she gave out the candy. “Happy Nightmare Night Granny Smith.”
“I should have been asleep five hours ago!” the old mare complained.
“Pipsqueak the Pirate, at your service,” a young white colt with brown spots said as he worked his way to the front of the group of kids. “It’s my very first Nightmare Night!”
“Since you moved here from Trottingham?” Twilight asked.
“No, my very first Nightmare Night ever!”
Then a chicken squawk was heard as Pinkie, dressed as a chicken, made her way to the front. “Enough chitchat! Time is candy!”she said.
“Pinkie Pie, aren’t you a little old for this?” Twilight inquired.
“Too old for free candy?!” she squawked again. “Never!”
“Yeah. Great costume! You make a fantastic weirdo clown!”
“A clown? Look at the borders on this robe, these are hoof-stitched!”
“It’s a great costume. Grandpa!” Spike said.
“Part way, mortals,” I said as the kids moved on to the next house. “Time ist wearing thin and I must seek thy Princess Luna.”
“Wow! Who’s that, Twilight?” Pinkie asked.
“Foolish mortal!” I said. “Dost thou not know the true image of death? Thou shouldst mind thyself elsewise thou might find thyself on my reaping list.”
“Ooh! Scary! Is that you Síor? That’s a really scary costume.”
“Costume? I know not of what thou speakst. However, thou shouldst know that the one known as Síor hast seen his end. I reaped his soul mere moments prior and now thy time has come as well.”
“You’re really good at that Síor. How’d you get your voice like that?” Evidently, nothing gets past Pinkie.
“Thou art wise, pink one. Thou hast seen through my disguise. In response to thy inquiry, my voice hath been altered by Twilight. She also procured the red illuminations upon my eyes.”
“Cool! You should really make a haunted house with that costume. I bet you’d scare everypony that went in.”
“A decent proposal, that is. I thank thee for the idea. However, as ‘twere, I need to find Luna prior to continuing this evening.” Shortly after I said that, i saw her bad-ass chariot descending to the library’s front lawn. “Speak of the devil and he doth appear.”
“Good evening, Síor. Twilight Sparkle. And who is this young dragon?” Luna said as she exited her chariot.
“I hadst forgotten that thou hast not met Spike as of yet. He ist Twilight’s noble assistant.”
“We see. And Síor, is that Old Equestrian thou art speaking?”
“Indeed ‘tis.”
“But we recollect that thou hath told us that Old Equestrian ist an archaic tongue.”
“Aye, however, ‘twas necessary for me to request of Twilight to alter my voice for it doth complete my ensemble.”
“Doth this mean that we may also speak in the ancient tongue?”
“If thou wishest. However, I must request that thou attemptst to refer to thyself as a singular being rather than with the royal ‘we.’”
“We--I shall attempt to adhere to this request.”
“Splendid! Now, tell me, Twilight, dost thou knowst of any haunted houses that we may attend?”
“Well, Cheerilee is hosting one at the schoolhouse but it’s mainly for fillies and colts,” she said. “I think Rainbow was wanting to do one for bigger ponies but she couldn’t get enough ponies to help.”
“What doth thou think, Luna? Shouldst we assist Rainbow Dash with her haunted house?” I asked.
“We--I know not of the concept of a ‘haunted house’ but we--I believe ‘tis in our--my best interest to assist anyone who should require assistance.”
“Marvelous! Where might we find Rainbow Dash. Twilight?”
“Last I saw she was flying around on a thundercloud scaring ponies. Look to the skies and you’ll probably find her.”
“Thank thee, Twilight. We shall see thee when the night hath ended.” We started walking into town to find Rainbow. “Luna, dost thou mind flying into the sky to perform an aerial search?”
“Not at all.” She flew up to get a better view and came back down after a couple minutes. “I hath sighted the rainbow one. She ist near the town hall.” We started walking that way but Luna seemed uneasy. “Why do all the ponies cower in fear? Doth they not know that we art a threat no more?”
“I hath learnt that the ponies art not ones to forget the reputation of others quickly. Additionally, they tend to shy away from me due to my abnormally bipedal nature.”
“Yes, I hath noticed quite a lack of racial diversity since my return. Upon enquiring this of my sister, I was told that it was to protect the ponies. I dislike the notion.”
“I concur. Racial ignorance leads only to bad things.” At this point we had reached the center of town and we saw Rainbow Dash scaring a group of children.
“WE REQUEST THE PRESENCE OF THE ONE NAMED RAINBOW DASH!!” Luna yelled in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
The pegasus in question was at our feet before I could blink. “We hear thou art wanting to host a haunted house,” I said.
“Yeah, what about it?” she asked.
“We would like to offer our services.”
“Really? That would be totally awesome! By myself, it would be pretty cool but with the help of the most dangerous creature to ever live and Nightmare Moon herself, this is gonna be the best haunted house ever!”
“We--I am Nightmare Moon no longer. I am no more than Princess Luna.”
“I hath no altercations to my label though it could be better. Shall we begin plans for our frightful merriment?”
“Um, Síor, why are you talking like that?” Dash asked.
“It ist part of my guise. Sans the voice, I am merely a man in a robe with a skull on his head. With the voice, I am Death!”
“Yeah, whatever. So, for the haunted house, I was thinking of having one room with a killer dentist, and another with a lumberjack, or maybe a crazy pony with a knife. Whaddya think?”
“Thy ideas, though good, require improvement. A worthy haunted house should drive fear directly to the hearts of the attendants and I know precisely how to do that.”
After about three hours and permission from the mayor to use the Town Hall, our haunted house was ready and open for visits. After putting the sign up with the name “Fear Facer” on it, it didn’t take long for our first guests to come. Naturally, I was at the front door to greet them. “Welcome, mortals. Dost thou dare to face thy fears?”
The first pony, a fairly built earth stallion dressed as a zombie, said “Bring it on!”
His companion, a sporty-looking pegasus mare dressed as a witch, added “Let’s do this!”
“Very well. Step into my lair and we shall see if thou hast what it takes to be fearless. Be warned, once thou enter, there is no turning back.”
They looked at each other, nodded, and stepped into the darkness before them. I followed directly behind.
“The rules art simple, thou will each face thy five worst fears. Survive all five, and thou shalt be allowed to go on. Thou may each choose a safeword to utter if thou canst not endure thy fears. At the utterance of thy safeword, thou shalt no longer endure thy own fear but instead thou shalt face my fears. But be warned, thy safeword cannot save thee from my fears.”
“Who are you anyways?” the mare asked.
“I am Death. And I am here to guide thee through thy fears.”
“And, uh, what does Death have to fear?” the stallion asked.
“Thou shouldst hope thou never finds out. If thou art ready, then choose thy safeword and we shall begin.”
“But wait, how do you know what our five worst fears are?” the mare asked.
“I am Death. I know all.” Also, Luna started hacking their minds the second they walked through the door.
“Alright, then my safeword is cumquat,” she said.
“And mine will be picklebarrel,” the stallion added.
“Thy safewords hath been chosen. I am now receiving information about thy fears.” I waited for a few seconds while Luna sent me their thoughts. “Hmm. Female, come with me. Male, with Cerberus.”
“Cerberus?” the stallion asked.
Qene, dressed as the most deathly version of Cerberus I could think of, stepped out of the shadows to take the stallion. I had Luna send the info for him to Qene and the walked away to a room on the right while I took the mare to a room on the left.
Once there, Luna used her magic to transform the room to suit her fear. The first one was easy enough: fear of public speaking. There was a pony figure created with the room that quickly went up to the mare and said, “You’re on, the topic is ‘autotrophs.’”
She barely had time to ask what an autotroph was before she was shoved onto a stage in front of a large imaginary audience with about ten different spotlights on her. I just watched as she started to freeze and sweat as she tried to force herself to speak on a subject she knew nothin about. “Um, autotrophs are um…” She started shaking and I thought I could see a wet spot forming at the crotch of her costume. Then because Luna’s too nice, an illusionary pony appeared in the back of the room holding cue cards. Of course they only had the information that Luna knew so it didn’t help much. The mare continued, “Autotrophs are a type of troph that is automatically generated.” The crowd started to chuckle at that.” They also generate themselves and other non-autotrophs.” This generated a few hearty laughs. “It is unknown how autotrophs came to be but some theories suggest they were created by the untapped magic that existed at their time of creation.” By now, the entire illusion of a crowd was full-on laughing at her. “Um, autotroph also, um...cumquats!”
With her safeword uttered, the illusion ended and she was dropped through a trapdoor that lead to the basement where she would witness my fears. First up: the fear of being operated on by an unskilled physician. The way this worked out was we had her sitting in a hospital waiting room for a few minutes before a doctor came out of the operating room covered in blood and said, “Your turn.” In the creepiest voice Luna could think to give him. Of course she tried to run but the nurses grabbed her and strapped her to a gurney and wheeled her into the operating room. I followed. She was moved to the operating table and strapped down as tightly as possible. “What operation needs to be performed?” the doctor asked.
“Open heart and brain surgery,” a nurse said.
“Very well. Scalpel!” The nurse handed--or hooved?--him a scalpel which he proceeded to use to slice the mare open. For any of you fuckers that are reading my journals and are worried for her safety, don’t. No sentient beings were harmed in the making of this haunted house. We simply made the illusion that she was being sliced open and operated on. Complete with illusionary pain. Of course she was screaming her head off and yelling “cumquat” every other word despite my telling her that her safeword wouldn’t save her from my fears. Luna was very good at this illusion stuff because this particular one lasted until the mare had lost most of her blood and died.
Only to be transported to the next fear: the fear of clowns. I did not join her for this one for obvious reasons but as Luna informed me post facto, she was essentially transported into a room full of clowns with extra creepy smiles all holding various forms of stabbing or slicing items. That literally scared her shitless before moving on to the next fear: fear of being tied up.
Though this fear was touched upon during the inexperienced doctor one, this was the time for the pure form of this fear. Consisting of nothing but ropes, this was the room where I got to take part. With the help of Luna’s immobilizing spell, I used the rope to tie the mare up as tightly as I could. It was essentially a hog-tie but even tighter as her head was between her legs by the time I was done.
Next was the fear of being buried alive. She was placed in a clear container, dropped into a hole and left there for about half an hour. She at least had a light in the container and there was a supply of air so she wouldn’t die but other than that it was kept as real as possible. Meanwhile, I ate a snack that Twilight was kind enough to pack for me. I swear she thinks she’s my mother or something.
And finally, it was time for the ultimate test of her sanity: the fear of being left alone in the dark in an unfamiliar room. This was the best fear to play with because it really was just her own imagination that she had to be afraid of. And the eerie sounds that we would create at random intervals. We left her in there until the stallion was done with his tour. He had actually made it through all of his own fears and was brought to the winner’s room where he was given a big bag of candy and escorted out. The mare was finally let out and taken to the loser’s room where she was given the consolation prize of a free session with a local psychologist because God knows she would need it.
And so the night continued until Luna got too tired to keep the illusions up at which point we took the rest of the candy back to the library so I could gorge on it later. That done, we decided to tour the festivities. We bobbed for apples, played a few games, and even participated in a costume contest--which I won of course and got a lifetime pass on the P.R.A.S. (Princess’s Royal Air Ship) Temporus. I wasn’t sure where the name of the ship came from but I assumed that I would find out in time.
When we were both tuckered out, we headed back to the library. Luna said good night and that was the end of that. All in all, not a bad night, even if I never really taught Luna how to be normal. She had fun and that’s all that matters. I then went to my room and ate candy until I fell asleep.
Chapter 25--Cider Season
And then came morning--or rather early afternoon--and I had to deal with the fucking candy hangover that I knew would come. Knowing the only solution was real food and water, I went down to the kitchen to get some breakfast...lunch...food? Upon arriving in the kitchen, I noticed a note on the table: Síor, Spike and I left early this morning to secure a spot in line for the start of Cider Season. There are leftovers in the refrigerator. Also, assuming it is probably around 2 o’clock by the time you’re reading this… I looked at the clock. It was 1:45. She just has no confidence in me. ...my friends and I… I guess they’re not my friends? Thanks Twi, nice to know you care. ...will be having lunch at Sweet Apple Acres with Applejack and her family. We’ll be back in time for dinner so try not to destroy anything while we’re out. Your friend, Twilight. Seriously, no fucking confidence. I went to the fridge to find some leftover soup and warmed it up in a pot on the stove since ponies didn’t believe in microwaves. After eating, I took some food up to the Doctor and checked on him and Mim. They were still hanging helplessly from my ceiling because they had nothing better to do. And since I had nothing better to do, I grabbed Qene and went to Sweet Apple Acres to meet the ponies and collect my cut of the money from the cider sales.
When I got there, I saw a strange contraption with twin unicorns riding on it driving up. Yes, driving. I’m pretty sure it was fueled by their magic but this is still the first example of any motorized vehicle I’ve seen since arriving in this fucking place. They started singing a weird song that had a word I didn’t know in it that I looked up later. After that, they tried to make a deal with the Apple family about using their machine to increase productivity of cider by a factor of three and splitting the profit 50-50. Apple Bloom, being the idiot she is, jumped the gun and agreed to the deal before the family had time to discuss the offer. She was immediately pulled aside while they did just that. Meanwhile I was doing the math on that. If the twins, whose named I learned were Flim and Flam through their song, got 50% and the Apples got 50%, half of which they would give to me, then Flim and Flam would make 150% of what would normally be made, the Apples would get 75% and I would get 75%.
Before I could work out how much we would need to change the split to make it fair, Big Mac told them, “No deal.”
“Very well,” Flim said. “If you refuse our generous offer to be partners, we’ll just have to be competitors.”
“You’re on!” Granny Smith said.
“Then a contest it will be,” Flam said. “Whoever makes the most and best apples by the end of the month wins.”
“What’re the stakes?” AJ asked.
“The winner gets exclusive rights to sell cider in Ponyville and full ownership of Sweet Apple Acres,” Flim proposed.
“It’s a deal,” Granny said. “And after we beat ya, I don’t ever wanna see you bambahoozlers around here again!”
“So be it,” Flam said. “We’ll start tomorrow at 8.”
“Oh, but Flam,” Flim said, “We haven’t any apples to use.”
“You can use our South Fields,” Granny said. “It’ll be worth it to teach y’all a thing er two about making cider.”
And so they parted ways until morning.
The next morning, around 7:55, we were all gathered at Sweet Apple Acres waiting for the time to come. Flim and Flam had apparently allowed ‘honorary family members’ to assist which apparently included me. At least AJ cares about me enough. So that meant that I was dragged away from the 4 hours of sleep I had gotten to help.
“Can I go back to bed?” I asked Twilight.
“No, we need all the help we can get,” she replied.
“Then can you at least make me not be so tired?”
“I can give you a revitalizing spell. It will increase your energy so you can be more productive.”
She did her magical awesomeness and I suddenly felt like I had just slept for a week. “Why haven’t you told me about this before? This is way better than failing at sleeping.”
“Revitalizing magic, while useful, does have its downsides. If you use it too often, it can lead to hallucinations or just plain insanity.”
“Good to know… What time is it?”
“7:57”
Flim and Flam drove up with their machine. “Good morning Apples and friends,” Flam said.
“We wish you luck in our competition,” Flim said.
“You’re gonna need it,” Flam added.
“Síor,” Applejack called. “Do you think we can use our special cider for this?”
“Well, each barrel takes three weeks to ferment so we should be able to make some. How much were you thinking?”
“Well, after selling it yesterday as a premium brew, we sold about 2 barrels of it for every 3 of the regular brand.”
“How many barrels of regular can you make in a day?”
“With your help and our best efforts, we can produce about 60 barrels per hour,” Big Mac chimed in.
“Thanks Big Macintosh,” AJ said. “You’re always there when we need some o’ that fancy mathematics.”
“Eeyup.”
“Alright,” I said getting us back on topic, “Daylight lasts about 10 hours this time of year so we should be able to make 600 barrels total. So that means that we should set 240 of those aside to ferment and keep the remaining 360 for nonalcoholic consumption thus keeping the same 2:3 ratio.”
“Contestants, please take your places, the competition will begin in 1 minute,” the mayor announced.
“Sounds like a plan, Síor,” AJ said. “We better get ready.”
We all took our positions: Dash on the smasher with Big Mac, Flutters with AJ to help remove apples from trees, Pinkie with Apple Bloom to help catch the falling apples, Rarity and Twi with Granny to help with quality control, and me at the barrel prep station to ferment the correct amount of barrels with the starters that we already had made because we’re just awesome and plan ahead. We all had our eyes glued to the clock tower as we waited for it to strike 8. Everyone was watching the second hand that wasn’t there and somehow they all knew when to start the countdown because the crowd started yelling out, “5...4...3...2...1. GO!”
And with that, the race began. Since I didn’t have much to do until some barrels were made, I went to talk to what appeared to be the judging panel. It consisted of the mayor, Spike, and Zecora. “First of all,” I said, “before I ask my real question, I feel like I should know the mayor’s name.”
“I am known as Mayor Mare. I only tell my true name to those who deserve to know,” she said with a slight hint of a glare.
“Alright, whatever. My real question is whether or not we are allowed to work at night.”
“Hmm, that’s a good question. Flim, Flam, would it be alright if the Apples manufactured cider at night?”
“We don’t care if they’re working around the clock. It’s a lost cause,” Flam said as they shared a chuckle. I should mention that they had it rather easy as for as workload went since they simply powered they’re machine with magic and the machine did all the work.
“I guess it’s ok,” the mayor said to me.
“Great.” I went back to the group to talk to Twilight just as the third barrel was coming off the line. Hey Twi, I have an idea. Would it be fine for that revitalizing spell to be used for about a month?”
“A month?” she asked in shock. “It’s unsafe to use it for a week. A month would definitely cause some mental problems.”
“What’s the longest consecutive time that you’re willing to use it?”
“I wouldn’t allow it’s use any longer than two weeks.”
“Alright, I have a plan. If we work 24/7 for two weeks, have a day of rest, and repeat that process, we should in theory be able to make more cider. It would be a potential of 32,568 regular barrels and 4392 premium.”
“What’s this premium product you keep talking about?”
“It includes a special ingredient and it sells for twice as much but only sells two-thirds as much as the normal product.”
“I see, well after some quick math in my head, I come to 23,040 regular and 15,360 premium. You seem to be missing 7 hours from your count.”
“Well, I had to make room for Thanksgiving.”
“What’s Thanksgiving?”
“You’ll find out on the 28th. The point is, we’d have a shit-ton of product by the end of the month.”
“Also, your ratio seems extremely off.”
“That’s because the premium product needs three weeks to prepare so we should stop setting it aside after the 9th.”
“I guess that makes sense. And I see you calculated in a 24 hour period for the first rest and 17 on the day that I’m assuming is this Thanksgiving thing. It will work but we’re all going to start hating it after about a week.”
“What’s life if you don’t hate it?” She looked like she was about to rebuke that but I added, “I have to go back to my station now.”
At the barrel stack, I saw that there was already 10 barrels made so I put the starter in 4 of them and stuck a big ‘Premium’ sticker on them.
And so that continued for a few days. On the 5th, I took a few minutes off to release the Doctor and Mim from their prison. “Now, what have we learned?” I asked them.
“Don’t fuck on your bed,” Mim answered.
“Good. Doctor do you have anything to add?”
“I’ve learned that it is a very bad idea to anger you,” he added.
“Right you are. Now, next time I find you being fucktards, the punishment will be worse. Do I make myself clear?”
“Crystal."
On the 10th, since we were done making the hard cider, I had to find something else to do. So, I used Qene and his flying to make the barrels into a nice neat stack in the shape of a tetrahedron because it is the most stable 3-dimensional shape. We were actually a little bit ahead of schedule by about 100 barrels which was good because Flim and Flam were working at about thrice our speed. And even though they weren’t working 24/7, they were still working 10 hours each day so they were a little bit ahead of us in quantity, but luckily the quality was also a factor and I was sure we would win with our hard cider.
On the 16th, we rested. This was made very easy because as soon as Twilight turned off the spell, we all crashed right then and there.
That done, we continued working until the 28th when we rested for 17 hours until 5 in the prevening, at which point I introduced them to Thanksgiving. I had found a turkey, two ducks, four hens, and eight quail eggs while hunting shortly before Halloween and I took the time to make a turduckenailailenailailduckenailailenailail--that’s two quail eggs inside each hen, two hens inside each duck, and two ducks inside the turkey. I was going to make a gooturduckenailailenailailduckenailailenailailturduckenailailenailailduckenailailenailail but I couldn’t find a goose or another turkey, two ducks, four hens, and eight quail eggs. Anyways, I put it in the oven on a slow roast before our rest. After we woke up, I made some apple pi--that’s half of a pie because pi is only half of a circle--and pumpkin tau--that’s a full circle because tau is equal to 2pi. I also made some mathed potatoes--kinda like mashed potatoes but with each potato specifically cut into equal portions of 1 over a power of 2 until i couldn’t cut them any more. Next, I made some delicious vector green bean matherole with all the beans placed in a beautifully spiralling vector. Add to this some spherical bread with butter prisms and we had a beautiful mathematical feast.
After all the food was made, we all sat around the biggest table any of us had which happened to be at the farm. “Alright everyone, here’s how this works. Thanksgiving is a holiday that I always loved because there was always a shit-ton of food but the basis of the holiday is that it’s supposed to be a time to give thanks to all the good things in life or something like that. Case and point, we have here some turduckenailailenailailduckenailailenailail, two apple pi’s, a pumpkin tau, mathed potatoes and gravy, vector green bean matherole, and spherical bread and butter prisms all being a part of this mathematical feast. Obviously the turduckenailailenailailduckenailailenailail is for me and Spike because it’s the meat of the meal but the rest of it is for everyone so dig in.”
After my explanation, Spike asked, “Hey Síor, what’s a turducka--whatever you said?”
“Turduckenailailenailailduckenailailenailail? It’s a turkey stuffed with two ducks which are each stuffed with two hens which are each stuffed with two quail eggs. Also known as deliciousness. Just eat it.”
He warily took a few slices of the roast and munched on it. “Sweet Celestia, this is amazing!”
“Told ya.”
And so we ate our feast until we fell into food comas only to wake up again and get back to work. At midnight on the 30th--technically December 1st but whatever--we stopped working and went to sleep until morning when the tally would be given. According to the count, we had produced 35,000 regular and 4500 premium. The brothers made 65,136 regular and 8784 premium which I highly doubted was any different from their regular.
The judges gave their scores for quantity. We got a score of 7 ⅔. They got a solid 9. Next was the taste test for the regular. Both teams scores a solid 8 which means we were still down by 1 ⅓. It all came down to the premium. As suspected, the brothers hadn’t changed the product in any way so they scored the same as the regular, an even 8. This was it we needed a nine and two 10’s to win. The mayor drank. She savored the flavor for a moment, noticing its difference. She thought for a moment before writing her number down: a 9.
Finally Spike drank his sample. He savored the flavor for a minute before burping a huge fireball. He then said, “Any drink that can make me belch a fireball like that deserves only the best score. I give it a 10.”
“That means the Apple Family wins!” the mayor announced.
Insert cheering here.
Thus was the end of that little adventure. I then went home to get some natural sleep and to bask in my share of the profit.
Chapter 26--Trixie Returns
Chapter 26--Trixie Returns
After spending the next four days hauling home my split of the profit, I wanted to start an invoice to keep track of my money. So, I asked Twilight what the monetary symbol for a bit was and she drew this on a paper for me: explaining that it was an E transcribed inside a Q to represent the abbreviation of Equestria.
With that knowledge in mind, I just had to count my money. After making various Sierpinski’s triangles with my bits--a 12th iteration, an 11th iteration, a 9th iteration, two 8th iterations, a 7th iteration, a 5th iteration, two 4th iterations, a 2nd iteration, and two 1st iterations which just looked like triforces--I concluded that I had 2,232,000 bits. I then went to talk to Twilight to see if we could create an exchange rate between the USD and the EQB. After compensating for fluctuating prices and surpluses that may occur, we determined that 1 bit equals about $1.11. With this knowledge in hand, I made a mental note to not tell her how much money I had and simply asked if there was a bank nearby. She gave me directions and after telling Mim to not let anyone in my room, I took Qene and went to the bank.
When I got there, I was greeted by a mare who said, “Welcome to the Equestrian Bank.” Wow, what an original title. “How may I help you...sir?”
“Yes, I am a male, good job. I would like to open a high security account,” I told her.
“How high are we talking?”
I showed her a piece of paper with the amount on it.”
“Um, let me get my boss.” She left for a moment while I pondered whether the Apples had a bank account. Then I remembered that they’re farmers so they probably just kept all their money in a secret vault because they don’t trust banks. I made a mental note to ask Applejack sometime. By the time I was does musing, the mare had returned with an elderly looking unicorn stallion.
“Diamond here explained the situation to me. I am Golden Gallium, the owner of this branch of the Equestrian bank. If my sources are correct, you’re the infamous human that’s been living here in Ponyville, Síor, isn’t it?”
“Yep.”
“Well, Síor, I am happy to welcome you to our bank. I assure you we have many vaults that would be perfect for your needs. If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you to them.” He led me to the stairs which I assumed led to the vaults and I followed. “Our next unused vault is number 666. It is made with pure titanium and reinforced inside and out with diamond. It also has our highest level of magic defense. It is 3 meters high, and 26.5 meters long and wide with enough space to hold up to 15 million bits. This amount, however, is if one were to lie each bit end to end and stack them perfectly atop of one another so it is only recommended for 10 million bits so you have enough room to move around in the vault.”
We got to the vault and he opened it to show me inside, it definitely seemed secure. “Do you have ways to access my money from different locations?”
“Each vault is actually in a way, just a pocket universe, which is why we are able to have the doors directly adjacent to one another. We have branches in all of the main cities and towns in Equestria and even in some small towns. Each branch has access to each vault and safe so should you need any bits, you should be able to access your vault from any of our branches.”
“I don’t see a key hole on the door, how do I open it?”
“Typically, we use horn, wing, or hoof identification but we will clearly have to make an exception for you. What would you suggest?”
“Well, I was thinking a key, but at the same time, I lose keys too easily. Thumbprints are too unoriginal--”
“They can’t be that common, I’ve never heard of a thumbprint.”
“That may be the case, but I’ve had many occurrences where thumb or fingerprints were required and they were both monotonous and didn’t work very well. Hair is too easy to get a sample of. Could we do a tongue recognition?”
“I suppose… although you could also do an eye scan.”
“True… but I’ve already suggested the tongue scanner so it sounds like the best idea. We’re going with a tongue scanner.”
“But wouldn’t that get kind of gross?”
“If I’m the only one using it, then why would it get gross?”
“But what if there’s an attempted robbery?”
“Oh? Are you questioning your own security?”
“Um, I’m not sure how to answer that…”
“Don’t, it’s a trap question. I’m not gonna worry about the possible grossness that may occur because my mouth has been many places and I know some of those weren’t very clean.”
“...Was that a sex reference?”
“It could be. Let’s hope you don’t find out.”
“Agreed.”
“So where do I sign up?”
“We can go back upstairs to my office to deal with the paperwork.” I followed him into his fancy-looking office and we started talking business. “Here is your contract.” He handed me a couple pieces of paper.
“Give me a second while I read this.” I skimmed through the formal wording. It basically just explained that for the increased security, I had to give them 1000 bits. It also said that upon the time that I required an upgrade, I would have to sign a new contract and give them another split. There was other stuff but it was rather insignificant. I signed and initialled where it designated.
He looked at the contract and said, “I thought your name was Síor, not F--”
“Ah, don’t say it. When Twilight summoned me, I decided that my real name should only be known by the people I trust the most. Thus far you are the only person I trust enough with this information. That and I haven’t figured out how I should do my signature with just ‘Síor’ so you get to have my real name on record.”
“Well, I am honored to be the first person to know your name. Where are you keeping your money currently? I need to send somepony to collect the money.
"I’m staying at Golden Oaks Library. I’ll be heading back there if your person wants to follow.”
“The pony I was going to send was Diamond. Just grab her on your way out.”
I left his office and went to get Diamond before we left, telling her that she was supposed to transport my money and that if I found any of it missing other than the 1000-bit deposit then there was going to be bad stuff happening. She seemed to get my point so we started walking back to the library. When we got there, I showed her the giant stack of money and she got to work moving it with the bags she brought. After that, Twilight pulled me aside.
“So, who’s that?” she asked.
“The bank teller that’s moving my money for me.”
“And how much money would that be?”
“That is none of your business.”
“Whatever. I need your help.”
“What for?”
“I got a letter from Trixie requesting a magic duel.”
“Who’s Trixie again?”
“The blue unicorn who came here a few months ago and tried to upstage everypony. The reason you had to fight the Ursa Minor.”
“Oh yeah, that. So why do you need my help?”
“Because usually when somepony summons you for a magic duel, it means that they have some semblance of power considering the fact that it requires quite a bit of magic to send a magic duel summons.”
“Why is that?”
“Because unicorns got tired of being summoned for magic duels by weak unicorns so they put all kinds of enchantments around the spell required to send a duel summons.”
“I guess that makes sense. So why do you need me?”
“Because she specifically requested that you come.”
“Am I allowed to refuse?”
“If you refuse a duel summons, your opponent has the right to do anything they want to you for an entire day.”
“Who makes these rules?”
“The High Council of Unicorns.”
“...That was meant to be a rhetorical question. In any case, I guess I’ll come. It’s not like I have anything better to do. Can I bring Qene though?”
“I’m afraid not. The rules around magic duels are very particular about not allowing anyone who was not specifically summoned to go to the duel because it could cause collateral damage.”
“Fine. So where and when is this thing?”
“It’s at an old castle in the Everfree Forest. She drew us a map from here. We’re supposed to be there tomorrow at sunset.”
“What am I allowed to bring?”
“Anything that’s not alive.”
“What are you allowed to bring?”
“Anything that I used magic on. Technically, I could bring Spike since I hatched him with magic but he’s too young and I don’t want him getting hurt.”
“Well, according to this map, it will take about 12 hours to get there. I say we pack now and meet in the kitchen to leave after dinner.”
“I agree.” With that we broke our meeting to prepare for the battle. This basically involved me getting my pocket knife, crossbow and bolts, dagger, and robe. I also grabbed some reading material because I knew we would be camping out. That done, I went to the kitchen for dinner.
After our uneventfully boring dinner, we got ready to go. “Spike!” Twilight called.
“Yes, Twilight?” he called back as he rushed to her.
“Síor and I are going out for a couple days. I need you to watch over the library while we’re gone.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that. What’s important, though, is that we will be safe. If we’re not back in three days, send Princess Celestia a letter telling her to look for us in the Everfree Forest.”
“What are you doing for three days in the Everfree Forest?”
“Again, I can’t tell you. We have to go now, Spike. Be good.”
We left after that and started walking to Sweet Apple Acres because that was the best entrance to the Everfree. After walking for about three hours, we decided to set up camp. As I was attempting to pitch the shitty tent that we had, Twilight noticed the book I brought in my bag.
“Why did you bring this?” she asked as she pulled it out of my bag.
“Just a little something to help me fall asleep,” I replied.
“The Thrills of Knighthood, Everything you need to know about the different types of knights in Equestria and what comes with being a knight ,” she read the title. “Interesting choice of casual reading.”
“Well, since the princesses are fighting over whose knight I’ll become, I figured I should do a little research.”
“Oh? And what have you found out so far?”
“Well, everything Fancy told me about the skills and perks that each knight gets is true. There’s also some sort of dream monitoring that comes with being a lunar knight but I didn’t find much about that. And I saw something about Umbral knights. Do you know anything about that?”
“As I recall from my own readings, the Umbral knights are a special kind of knight that is essentially independent. They don’t serve a single princess and they have the right to reject an order if they seem fit.”
“Sounds too good to be true. What’s the catch?”
“The Umbral knights are the most trusted ponies in the entire royal guard--”
“There you go again with that ‘pony’ stuff. Just say people.”
“Actually, this time it’s accurate. Because the Umbral knights are so trusted, only ponies are allowed to be Umbral knights to ensure the utmost loyalty.”
“So, in other words the princesses are racist bitches who don’t trust non-ponies. I guess I’ll have to actually choose between one of them.”
“You really shouldn’t talk about our princesses like that.”
“Our princesses? They’re your princesses. I pay no servitude to them. Unfortunately, that mindset will have to change because they’re forcing me into this knighthood bullshit.”
“You know they’re only trying to keep you out of trouble, right?”
“What trouble could I possibly get in if I can’t even leave the greater Ponyville area?”
“You can leave whenever you want, Síor, I only said you couldn’t leave because I didn’t want you hurting yourself or anypony else.”
“I swear it’s like no one trusts me around here.”
“Well, you are supposed to be the most dangerous species to ever exist.”
“Shut the fuck up and help me pitch this tent.” She used her magic to set up the tent and we crawled inside and went to sleep.
The next morning, we had a quick breakfast of eggs and went back to walking. “Can’t you just magic us there?” I asked.
“Teleportation only works for places I’ve been to or places I can see,” she annoyingly replied. “You know that.”
“Yeah, I know, I was just hoping the rules of magic had forgotten.”
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“It doesn’t have to make sense, I’m drunk.”
“No you’re not. After that last cider season, I learned quite well of your little experiment with Applejack and I know that alcohol is required to get drunk.”
“That’s not entirely true. There are other substances that produce the same results as alcohol.”
“You do know that alcohol is supposed to be illegal in Equestria, right?”
“Yeah, your point?”
“You could get arrested if someone were to rat you out.”
“Yeah but no one would be stupid enough to rat me out because everyone’s scared of me. And even if someone did rat me out, it might not be a bad thing. I mean, I’m sure the princesses wouldn’t allow a felon into the Royal Guard so it would probably fix my whole knighthood problem.”
“I don’t know, Síor, the princesses seem rather intent on making you a knight no matter the cost. They would probably have you pardoned or something.”
“You make a good point. Either way, though, I either don’t become a knight or I don’t have to deal with the charges of illegal alcohol production.”
“Is there any way I can stop you from being a complete idiot?”
“Nope. My idiocy is how I learn. If I jump into an active volcano and nearly die, I’ll know that I would need to have better protection the net time.”
“Why would you jump into an active volcano, let alone twice?”
“I don’t know, it sounds like it might be fun.”
“There’s just no reasoning with you.”
“You can reason all you want, I just might not listen. But if you want to debate something that I find interesting then I’d be happy to have a good intellectual conversation.”
“You? Intellectual? Yeah, right.”
“Ouch, my feelings. You seem to be forgetting that before I became your bitch I was a scientific prodigy. I was accepted at one of the most prestigious colleges in the country where I was chosen among thousands of equally brilliant students to get an internship at NASA. The scientists at fucking NASA said I was too smart for them and they sent me to CERN Laboratories. The CERN Laboratories. I was one of the best entry-level scientists they had at CERN before the accident happened. I could tell you in detail about things that the human race built that are beyond your wildest dreams. So don’t go saying I’m not fucking intelligent.”
“I’m sorry. I forget about all that because you don’t really act like--”
“Because I don’t act like an uber-nerd in a labcoat with no life outside of science? I hate to burst your bubble but not all scientists are like that. Fuck, you’re a scientist of sorts and you have a life, sort of. Just remember, anybody can have any level of intelligence if they try hard enough. Sometimes it’s safer to hide your intelligence though.”
“Why would it be safer?”
“How do you think everyone would react if they knew I was a fucking genius? Everyone would be all up in my face to get information about shit. Fuck, the princesses would demand that I tell them everything I know. And do you know what some people would do to get their hands on my kind of intelligence? I already got kidnapped once just for being connected with Celestia. If news about my mind got out, governments worldwide would be fighting to get me to use as a tactical advantage. All I’m saying is that I act the way I do because I can, it’s more fun, and I value my own safety. How much farther?”
“Um… about 6 more hours.”
“Let’s walk for a couple more hours and then stop for lunch.”
“Uh...right.”
We continued walking until lunch time. We had some sandwiches and continued walking. We finally came to the castle as the sun was reaching the horizon. “So, what’s the plan?”
“Stay alive.”
“Oh, that’s promising.”
“There’s no telling what kind of magic Trixie has now so we have to be cautious with her. There’s no way she could have advanced her magic naturally in such a short time so I’m assuming she’s found something that amplifies her magic. We need to find whatever it is and sever her link to it.”
“Sounds easy enough. You ready?”
“I’m never ready for magic duels but that doesn’t change the fact that we have to do it anyways. Let’s go.”
We walked into the castle and the portcullis closed behind us, leaving us in a wide open courtyard. “Trixie was beginning to think you wouldn’t show,” Trixie’s voice rang out over the courtyard. She appeared several feet in front of us. “Welcome to Trixie’s home. Of course The Great and Powerful Trixie actually lives in the castle proper but you will not be entering the castle. In fact, Trixie has placed an enchantment over this courtyard. Nopony can leave until one side is defeated. Now, shall we begin?”
Twilight struck back by shooting a beam of magic her way which she tried to dodge but jumped the wrong way. It didn’t seem to hurt much but it got her attention.
Trixie countered with a rather unexpected move: summoning a familiar. “Meet Flavros. He is Trixie’s familiar.” He looked much like a leopard but I suspected there was more to him than that.
“You have a familiar?” Twilight asked in shock.
“Now ain’t exactly a good time to chat, Twi.”
Before she could snap back into the battle, though, Flavros jumped forward and breathed fire right onto her. She was helpless to try to dodge so the fire just hit her straight on. She looked like she was burnt pretty badly afterward and there was even some remanence of fire still on her that she was quick to put out.
“Hey, Twi, you see that thing around Trixie’s neck?” I called to her.
She looked at the strange-looking amulet on the other unicorn and said, “I bet that’s what’s fueling her magic.”
I decided to try to get the thing off her so I ran to Trixie and got all up close and personal. I tried using my dagger to slice the thing. Instead of cutting the amulet, though, I slipped and cut Trixie in the cheek.
Trixie gasped. “How dare you tarnish Trixie’s beautiful face you ape!” She jumped back and surrounded herself with a giant ice wall. I could see the light of magic coming from inside and I heard her saying, “Terra, coelum, et iungere arcana; tribus unus spiritus; magna vis est, quod natum est…”
“Twi, she’s up to something in there.”
“She’s creating a new spell! Hurry break down the wall and stop her.”
Flavros didn’t take to kindly to being ignored so he took his chance to attack Twilight. He jumped forward and latched onto her with his teeth. She started bleeding pretty badly from the bite and that just fueled the creature’s bloodlust.
“...propter tribus ad minus; tribus unum deum victimis; virtus ultra tres…” Trixie continued.
Twilight, in her panicked state of mind, simply picked up a rock with her magic and hit the familiar on the head with it. He let go of her and started bleeding from the wound.
I started doing what I could to break through the ice so I started chipping it with my dagger. Luckily, the ice wasn’t very strong so I was able to get pretty far through it.
While I did that, Flavros jumped back on Twilight swiping at her with its claws. Twilight didn’t look like she could fight much longer but luckily I was through the wall. Unfortunately, Trixie was nearing the end of her spell: “...virtutem continendi cum a; vincere inimicos virtus!”
“Oh no!” Twilight yelled.
“What?” I asked.
“It was one line too many!” she explained. Trixie’s eyes turned to panic as she realised her mistake. “Síor, get out of there!”
I rushed to get the fuck out of there but I was too late. The magic energy exploded destroying the ice surrounding us and sending me flying, knocking me out.
An endnote from the best god of chaos ever.
Needless to say, the magic duel was set up by yours truly. I should have known better than to trust Trixie with something like this. I was, however, kind enough to pull her out of there before the magic energy exploded. Síor wasn’t so lucky but he survived. I pulled Trixie to my little interrogation room, if you will.
“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” I asked her.
“Trixie is sorry, Master.”
“Sorry won’t cut it. Do you understand how important it was that you captured the human? Punishment is in order. Luckily for you, I’m too annoyed to think of anything worth punishing you with.” She seemed relieved to hear that. “So instead, I’ll let ‘your’ familiar do whatever he pleases to you for the next--let’s say a week.” Her relief suddenly turned to fear as she realised the implications of that.
“No, Master. Please! Trixie promises she’ll do better next time!”
“I’m sure you will, especially after knowing just how bad your punishment truly is. I’ll see you in a week.” I waved at her as the familiar dragged her off. “Now, let’s start thinking about how to make my great escape in the spring."
Chapter 27--A Journey Home
Chapter 27--A Journey Home
After waking up, I thought I had gone blind because I couldn’t see anything. But then I remembered that it was sunset when we got here so it was probably nighttime now. Once my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, I noticed that something wasn’t quite right. Everything seemed taller than I remembered and my vision was all fucked up. It was like my eyes were in the wrong spot on my face. I lifted my hand to my face to see if I could feel anything wrong and that’s when I noticed that I didn’t have a hand. I had a hoof. I looked at the rest of my limbs and got similar results. Upon further inspection, I discovered that I had wings which I was having trouble moving--probably because I wasn’t used to having those muscles--and a horn.
“Twilight,” I called out, “What the fuck just happened?”
“If I had to guess,” her voice called from somewhere, “I’d say that Trixie’s spell was supposed to turn her into an alicorn. However, she had one too many lines so the spell backfired. The result was a massive explosion of magic energy. You took the majority of the blast but I got some of it as well. Which would explain why you have become an alicorn and I--” I saw a naked female human shape with a horn crawling out of the shadows that I could only assume was Twilight. “--have taken in your humanness.”
“Humanity.”
“What?”
“The quality of being a human is called humanity, not humanness.”
She gave me a blank stare. “I think we have bigger problems than correct terminology.”
“All I’m saying is that if you’re going to be a human, you should know how to describe yourself. In any case, Trixie’s gone and the amulet is here.” She picked up the amulet and put it in the bag.
“Where do you think Trixie is?”
“I had assumed she exploded and then exploded again.”
“Can you do that? Can you explode twice?”
“Shut up, of course you can.”
“Well, it’s highly unlikely that she simply exploded, let alone twice. Magic cannot take a life so I think there’s something else at play here.”
“Well, we can only speculate. I think Discord might have something to do with it.”
“Who’s Discord?”
“I’ll tell you later. Can you still do magic?”
“Well, I still have my horn so…” she used her magic to create a light for us to see by.
“Well, that’s one thing in our favor.”
“You could probably use magic, too, since you also have a horn. You could probably even fly if you had the practice.”
“Yeah, probably. But now’s not exactly the best time to learn. The rules of teleportation say that you can go anywhere that you’ve been before, right?”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Can you teleport us back home?”
“Theoretically, I could. However, there are a few problems. First of all, after that explosion, the magic energy here is unstable. From what I can tell, it would be extremely unpredictable to use magic within thirty meters of this place. Just casting that light spell was dangerous. On top of that, I don’t know anything about human anatomy so I would feel unsafe teleporting myself.”
“So, we’re gonna have to hoof it?”
“It would appear so. But that raises another problem: I’m not adapted to walking on only two legs.”
“Well, I don’t really have much difficulty walking on all four. Feel free to use me as support.”
After working to get her on her feet and gathering all of our stuff back into my bag of holding, we set off on our way back to Ponyville. After walking for a few hours, I got tired of the silence so I decided to break it. “I can’t tell you how great it is to see another human, especially a naked woman.”
“Speaking of my nudity, this bare skin isn’t very good at protecting me from the cold.”
“Grab my robe out of the bag. I had Rarity line it with wool. It should keep you nice and warm.”
“How did early humans survive the cold?”
“Killing animals and using their fur for warmth.”
“A life for a life.”
“Precisely. Since humans first gained sentience, we had always thought of our race as superior. We were the first species to become aware so we thought that all other life was inferior and only there for our personal gain. Such thinking led to the eventual extinction of more than a few species. Usually it was indirect. We would chop down the forest habitats of some animals to use as paper or building materials. We would mine land dry of oil, leaving it in ruins after there was none left. All in all, humanity was a terrible caretaker of the planet.”
“The races of today use forests for paper and wood as well. Do you think we’ll ever cause the extinction of another species?”
“From what I can tell, the races of today are pretty good at using resources. The griffins use stone for their buildings. The dragons live in caves and volcanoes. The changelings live in caves and use their own chrysalis as building material. I don’t know about any other races but I’m sure they’re just as good at conserving resource.”
“And the ponies?”
“The ponies are most like the humans in terms of resource consumption. However, it will take many centuries before you are at the point that humanity was when I left.”
“Still, though. Centuries is only a few generations for ponies.”
“Shit, how long do you guys live?”
“The average expected lifespan of a pony is 1000 years.”
“Shit, really? Well in that case it could take millions of years before you start to have the population problem that we had. Humans only live about 80 years, 100 if we’re lucky. We had over 7 billion people after only a few millenia.”
“7 billion? I can’t even imagine that many ponies in Equestria.”
“There’s plenty of space, humans just liked having a lot of space to themselves. If you took the entire human race of about 7.277 billion and put them each in a 2-foot by 2-foot square, you could fit them all in a 1044-square-mile area. That’s just bigger than the state of Rhode Island.”
“Based on the map you drew me, Rhode Island was the smallest state of the United States, right?”
“Yep, about 1033 square miles of landmass.”
“And you’re saying that 7 billion humans can fit into that?”
“That’s if everyone was shoulder to shoulder and ass to dick--or pussy.”
“What if everyone were given a house?”
“Well, assuming each person had a comfortable 400 square feet to themselves, then with each house directly adjacent to each other, it would take up an area of about 104,410 square miles, that’s just bigger than the size of Colorado, yet we still had an overpopulation problem in many places in the world.”
“If you could all live in an area the size of Colorado, how could you have such a problem with population?”
“Well, some people wanted to live in warmer or colder climates or in mountains or by the beach or on an island so you have to build roads and shipyards and railroads and airports to reach those people. Just roads alone equated to about 12 billion miles of road. And of course everyone wanted their own yard of about 1500 square feet each. And everyone needs easily accessible food so you need a few marketplaces. And we need places for whatever work everyone does so you build commercial buildings. And you need cars and trains and planes and boats so you make places to build and store those. And speaking of storage, everyone has a bunch of material goods and sometimes they don’t need it for a while so they’ll want to store it. And we also need banks to store our money. And places to buy more material items. And places to provide clean water and electricity and gas. It all starts to add up pretty quickly and I don’t feel like doing the math right now but I’m willing to bet that if we really wanted to, we could all live in a small part of the world but humans didn’t really like each other very much and that’s why nations were made. Nations could separate people based on skin color, religion, language, politics, or whatever and people who agreed more with one nation would move there and some nations would become overpopulated while others were underpopulated and nobody wanted to share the space that they had so it starts to lead to a problem of extreme overpopulation in nations with higher birth rates. The only solution would be to build up or build down but that idea wasn’t very popular and only a few nations saw the efficiency in it so you have to start looking for other ways to deal with the overpopulation and because mankind can’t see what’s right in front of them, they think that the only option is to seek out the slim possibility of there being another planet like ours that we could move some people to in order to reduce the chances of overpopulation. But then when we don’t find any planet, we start building space stations that can support life but then we use up all our resources and die off anyways.”
“So, is that how you became the last human?”
“Well, that last little bit about space is just what many people predicted would happen after some time but we never actually got to that point. But no, like I’ve told you, I became the last human by being the debatably lucky one to be the last to exit his stasis chamber after the incident at CERN.”
“So, what does overpopulation have to do with anything?”
“It has nothing to do with anything right now but it was a major problem for humanity and may become a problem for the ponies in eventual time.”
“But eventual time is immeasurable.”
“True, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it before it happens. If you want to prevent overpopulation, I suggest advising your peers to start building up and down rather than out.”
“But can you even have a completely vertical town?”
“It would require a little ground space but it would be possible to conserve a lot of space. It would basically be like stacking every building in a town on top of each other with elevators and hallways between. Theoretically, it should work but as I said, nobody is ever willing to try it.”
“If it means avoiding overpopulation, I’m willing to give it a try.”
“Well, good for you. Good luck convincing everyone else.”
“Can’t you just give your speech that you just gave me?”
“I could, but overpopulation is your problem. I got my own things to deal with.”
“What ‘things’ could you possibly have that are more important than helping us?”
“Well, for starters, I’d like to not be a fucking pony.”
“But you’re so cute as a pony.”
To that, I responded by sidestepping to make her fall on her ass. “You were saying.”
“I don’t know why you don’t like being called cute,” she said as I helped her get back up.
“Because cuteness implies weakness and I can’t afford to be weak in a world where I’m the last of my kind.”
“I don’t see how cuteness is meant to imply weakness but whatever. Do you think we could stop and sleep for a while? We’ve been walking for six hours.”
“I suppose. I’m getting a little tired myself. Let’s camp out for the night and we’ll trek the last half of our journey in the morning.” So we set up our tent and went to sleep for a few hours before continuing our journey home.
The next morning was much like the previous six hours of walking with idle chit chat included. In the light of day, I discovered that I was pure black for some reason. When we finally reached the edge of Everfree, I stopped. “Hey Twi,” I said, “how are we gonna explain this to everyone?”
“I was assuming we would just tell the truth.”
“What exactly is the truth?”
“We went to a magic duel against Trixie. She botched a new spell and the result is what happened to us.”
“What about the amulet?”
“We’ll have it looked at by the Unicorn Tower. They should be able to determine what it does and how it works.”
“What’s this Unicorn Tower I’ve heard nothing about?”
“It’s a guild for all the highest level unicorns. They are the best magic researchers in Equestria. They research anything and they’re usually open for suggestions.”
“Open to suggestions, eh? I think I have a few suggestions for them.”
“Like what?”
“Well, for starters, this.” I made a gesture at the two of us.
“Besides that.”
“That’s need-to-know info, some of which is included in the explanation of Discord. The other part is confidential.”
“Whatever. Shall we go home?”
We started walking but Applejack found us before we left the orchard. “I thought I heard y’all’s voices. Wait a minute, somethin’ ain’t right here. Síor?” she asked looking at Twilight.
“Yo,” I said from my pony mouth.
“Then that means--”
“Hi Applejack,” Twilight said.
“Wow Nelly! What in tarnation happened to y’all?”
“We’ll explain it all when we get the whole group together,” I said. “Meet us at the library in an hour. Spread the word.”
“Who all should I tell?”
“Zecora, Pinkie, Flutters, Dash, Rarity, anyone else you think might need to know sooner than in the course of time.”
“Right. See ya in a while.” She galloped off into town, presumably to tell everyone. We continued walking to the library.
Once there, Twilight called out for Spike. “Twilight! You’re home! Wait, something seems different about you two.”
“We’ll explain when everyone gets here,” I said. “Can your magic fire breath send things besides letters?”
“Wait, is that you Síor?”
“Yeah, answer the question.”
“Um, yeah. But it has to be something small like a letter.”
“That’s not a problem. Follow up question: can you send to anyone besides Celestia?”
“Well, Princess Celestia is the default but I can send to anyone as long as I know who.”
I pulled out the amulet along with a note asking for it to be analyzed. “Could you send this to the Unicorn Tower?”
“Sure. Twilight used to go there all the time when we lived in Canterlot. We know the receptionist pretty well.”
“Great. Do that. Twi, how long until everyone’s supposed to be here?”
“About 45 minutes.”
“Well, maybe in that time you could explain to me how to use this skewer on my head.”
“Learning magic takes years of practice. But, I could probably teach you a simple levitation spell.”
“That’ll be enough for now.”
She started explaining how levitation works and how it’s a little more than using the Force. After the 45 minutes were up and everyone that I told AJ to bring, as well as the Doctor who somehow knew to come, was there, I had gotten the levitation thing down pretty well. Also in that time, we had Spike draw us some flipchart pictures.
“Alright, everyone,” I said, using my new skill to levitate a pointer for the flipchart. “As I’m sure you noticed, Twilight and I are rather different from the way we were when we went on our journey.” Pinkie raised her hoof excitedly and bounced in place. “Yes, Pinkie?”
“Where’d you guys go?”
“That’s the first part of the explanation.” I flipped the chart to reveal a picture of Trixie. “Most of you will remember the self-proclaimed Great and Powerful Trixie from her visit to Ponyville a few months ago. Well, she sent a duel summons to me an Twilight. Due to the rules of magic duels, if we refused the summon, Trixie would get to do what she wanted with us--” The picture for this was the three of us having a tea party. “--which would probably be worse than a tea party, Spike.” He smiled sheepishly. “Anyways, we responded to the summon and went to meet her at an abandoned castle--” shown on the flipchart “--somewhere in Everfree. She had become much more powerful than she was when she was here in Ponyville and we think the cause was this amulet.” Shown on the flipchart. “She had summoned a familiar to help with the battle.” Shown. “Which looked more like a leopard than whatever dog-like creature that is. At some point in the battle, she encased herself in a wall of ice--” shown “--and started to cast a new spell. However, she had 8 lines in the spell instead of the magic 7 so the spell went haywire and caused an explosion.” Mushroom cloud picture. “The result of this explosion was that Twilight became a human and I became an alicorn.”
“Cool!” Pinkie said. “And you already know magic! This is fun!”
“If by fun, you mean not fun then sure.”
“Ah, come on Sísí, I think you’ll learn to love it!”
“Let’s hope I’m not stuck like this long enough to find out. So, now that you all know the situation, we’re going to see Celestia to get this thing sorted out.” That said, everyone went to do their things and Twi, Spike, and I got ready to go to Canterlot.
Chapter 28--The Unicorn Tower
Chapter 28--The Unicorn Tower
Because Twilight was too cautious about teleporting herself, we had to take a train to Canterlot, which took a few hours. It was about 3 by the time we finally got there. We immediately headed toward the castle and just a quickly we were stopped by the guards.
“Halt! Who goes there?” one of them asked.
“Twilight Sparkle and Síor. Student of Princess Celestia and personal friend of both Princesses,” I said, “And Spike, Twilight’s assistant.”
“We’re going to need to perform some identification verification procedures. The one who calls herself Twilight, we need to do a horn inspection.” Twilight stepped forward and they put a thing on her horn that apparently told them that she was herself. “You who call yourself Síor, step forward to have your tongue examined.” I was smiling at the fact that they had the tongue inspector already. I stepped forward and stuck out my tongue and they clipped a thing on it. After a few seconds, they verified that I am me. “You may proceed. I assume you are here to ask the princess to solve this predicament that you’ve found yourself in?”
“Yeah. Let’s go.” We proceeded to the castle and went to Celestia’s court room.
“Good afternoon Spike,” she said when we all entered. “Who’s this you have with you?”
“Síor,” I said.
“And Twilight,” she said.
“Síor and Twilight? Oh my. I think an explanation is in order.” I explained what happened, though this time without the flipchart. “Hm, I see. Well, I can fix Twilight, but as I am unaccustomed to the anatomy of humans, I would need some time to prepare a spell to transform you back, Síor.”
“Of course. So how long is a little time?”
“It’s hard to say but one thing is certain, if you get a cutie mark, it will be harder to change you back. Although I am curious as to why you became an alicorn of all things.”
“We had assumed that it was because Trixie’s spell was supposed to turn her into one but after she botched it, I took the majority of the blast.”
“I suppose that makes sense. I will get with the Unicorn Tower as soon as I can and get started on that spell but for now,” she transformed Twilight back to normal “that’s all that I can do.”
“Thank you Princess,” Twilight said.
“Yeah, and we’ll let the Unicorn Tower know that you need their help. We’re heading over there next,” I said.
“Good. I will get to work on what I can then. Good luck with your new form, Síor.”
“Yeah whatever.” We left to go to the Unicorn Tower but not without Twilight thanking her precious princess again. “Alright, lead us to the Unicorn Tower.”
“Right this way.” She led us to the cliff edge on the west side of Canterlot. There was a patch of ground that looked different than what was around it. There was also a sign next to it that said ‘All those wishing to visit the Unicorn Tower, please stand on this patch of ground. No more than 10 at a time please.’ Understanding video game logic, as soon as we were all standing on the patch of ground, it would start moving somewhere so I stepped on and sure enough, it started moving upward to a giant floating rock that I hadn’t noticed before.
“Has that always been there?”
“Since the unicorns put it there about 100 years ago.”
“How have I never noticed it in all the times I’ve been to Canterlot?”
“I guess you’re just not very observant.”
We got to the Tower and were greeted by a blue unicorn stallion who said, “Welcome to the Unicorn Tower. Please stand still while I cast protective enchantments on you.”
“What’s the protection for?” I asked as he did his magic on Twilight.
“Some of the magic researched here can be dangerous and we always like to take precaution on the part of visitors to ensure that they don’t get hurt.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
“Twilight, you’re clear.” He started working on Spike next.
“So is it true that they really research anything here?”
“Well, we have to get permission from one of the Princesses but anything they approve is free game. Spike you’re clear to go. Alright, Mr. Question Guy, you can’t talk while I’m performing the spell.” I shut up while he did his thing. It seemed to take longer than it did with the others but that was probably just because I was talking to him before and talking tends to pass the time quicker. Finally he was done. “That protection will last for about 5 hours or until I take it off when you leave. Enjoy your visit to the Unicorn Tower.”
That done, we went to the Tower. No sooner did we get to the door than did a huge flaming ball of magic hit the ground right behind us. “Now I see why we needed protection.”
We went inside where we saw a receptionist mare at a circular counter in the center of a lobby area with many hallways and signs pointing off in various directions. “Twilight, Spike, how have you two been?” she asked. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Where have you been?”
“We moved out to Ponyville a few months ago,” Twilight explained.
“Well, I’m glad you decided to visit. Who’s your friend?”
“This is Síor.”
“Well, we always welcome new visitors. What can we do for you today?”
“We need the Magical Artifact Research Center. Is it still in the same place?”
“Actually it’s moved up to the 5th floor.”
“Oh, they got a promotion?”
“That’s right. They’re work has been very helpful in the past few months. Just take the transportation pad over there. You know how it works.”
“Thanks Milly.” We walked over to a blue pad on the floor that seemed to glow with magic. We all stepped on and Twilight said, “Level 5 please.” Before I knew what was happening, we were somewhere else, presumably the 5th floor. We found the hallway where the Magical Artifact Research Center was and went down it. We found the door and Twilight knocked and it opened and we entered the room which was full of all kinds of strange items.
“Ah, Twilight and Spike. And a friend,” a white nerdy scientist unicorn stallion greeted us.
“I’m Síor,” I said. “I don’t usually look like this though so don’t get used to it.
“Transformation mishap,” Twilight explained. “That’s our next stop.”
“Well, what brings you lot to MARC today?”
“MARC?” I asked.
“Stands for Magical Artifact Research Center. Also my name. Mark Data,” he explained.
“Well, we have this amulet that we need looked at,” Twilight said as she gave him the amulet.
“Hm, it looks familiar. I’ll have it looked at right away. You said you were heading to the Transformation Department next, do you have any other business here?”
“I don’t but Síor presumably does.”
“Well, Síor, if you stop by here before you leave, I should be done with it.”
“Thanks Mark.” That done, we left and went back downstairs to the lobby.
“Anything else I can help you all with?” Milly asked as we appeared in the lobby.
“Transformation Department,” I said.
“3rd floor.”
“Thanks Milly.”
We went back to the magic elevator pad thingy and told it to take us to the 3rd floor. We found the sign telling us where to go and knocked on the door. We were greeted by an obnoxiously green unicorn mare. “Welcome to the Transformation Department. I’m Shifty. You’ll have to excuse my greenness, we had a slight mishap with the color changing spell. Please come in. How can we help you?”
We entered the room and saw many unicorn performing various kinds of transformation spells. “Well, our friend here” Twilight explained as she gestured toward me “is not supposed to be an alicorn.”
“That’s a pretty big transformation to happen accidentally.”
“Well, somepony tried to create a new spell but she did it wrong and Síor got caught it the blast. I took some of the blast too but Princess Celestia was able to change me back. Síor on the other hand, she was not able to transform back because she is unfamiliar with his anatomy.”
“And what anatomy might that be?”
“Human,” I said.
“Human? I thought they were just a myth.”
“Well, I can prove otherwise. But Celestia wanted your help to help me.”
“If you can get me a book on human anatomy from the Mythological Studies Department, then I might be able to help you.”
“Thanks Shifty. I’ll be back.”
We went back to the lobby. “We Síor,” Twilight said, “You can do what you need to do, I was only supposed to be here to drop off the amulet and tell the Transformation Department that Princess Celestia needed their help. So I’ll be at the Canterlot Library. Come find me when you’re done and we’ll head home.”
She left and I went back to the desk. “Hey Milly, can you direct me to the Mythological Studies Department.”
“Why would you need to go there? I’m surprised they even still have a department. They’re down that hall there.” She pointed to a hall off to the right.
“Ground level, huh?”
“Yeah, that should tell you how little respect they get.”
“Well, thanks. I’ll be back for my other stuff.” I left and went down the hall she pointed to. I found the door and walked in. Behind the door, I was greeted with a long hallway with unmarked doors on either side. Well, might as well start from the first one. I opened the first door on the right and went in. On the other side, I found myself back in the hallway but in a different place. What is this, Scooby Doo? After trying doors for about an hour, I finally wound up back in the first hallway. I then noticed a sign on the door advising me to knock. I did so and the door opened revealing the actual Mythological Studies Department.
“Ah, you must be Síor,” a minty green unicorn mare said. “Shifty said you would be coming down here. What took you so long?”
“I got trapped in your hall of doors for an hour,” I explained.
“You didn’t knock the first time, did you?”
“No.”
“Yeah, the Unicorn Tower practices manners as well as magic. If you knock, the door will open but if you barge in, you’ll wind up in our little maze.”
“Good to know.”
“I’m Lyra, by the way. So what brings you to the Mythological Studies Department?”
“I need a book or a diagram about human anatomy.”
“Did you say human? I love humans, they are by far the best creatures to ever live, assuming of course they did ever live.”
“Oh, they did, I can vouch for that.”
“So you believe in humans, too?”
“I don’t just believe in them, I’m one of them.”
“No you’re not, silly. You’re an alicorn.”
“No, I’m not an alicorn.”
“Well, you’ve got a big bump on your forehead for a pegasus.”
“I was transformed into an alicorn. Magically.”
Off to the side somewhere, one of the other researchers coughed, “Crazy.”
“Mitos, that cough doesn’t sound to healthy, you oughta get that looked at,” Lyra said to the stallion. “It’s rather unlikely that you were transformed into an alicorn. Many powerful unicorns have tried and they all failed. How did you become an alicorn?”
“Well, long story short, someone tried casting a spell that would presumably transform her into an alicorn but she screwed it up and the magic energy exploded into me.”
“Yeah, that sounds like it might do it. So you’re saying you used to be a human? How did that happen?”
“I was born a human to human parents in a human world. I’m the last human alive and the only reason for that is probably Discord.”
“Discord, eh? We’ve been doing a little research on him. Turns out he appears in the lore of many cultures.”
“Well, I’m sure whatever you’ve found I already know. I just want something on human anatomy.”
“Right, of course.” She started getting a huge stack of books and scrolls and such. “This is everything we have about human anatomy.”
“Why so many?”
“Some of the books detail specific parts of the human body.”
“Alright. Thanks Lyra.”
“Anytime.”
I left with the books and went back upstairs to the Transformation Department. I knocked on the door and a now light blue Shifty answered. “Hey Shifty, I got the books you wanted.”
“That is a lot more than I was expecting. I’ll get started right away but keep in mind this could take anywhere from two weeks to a few months.”
“Well, I appreciate you putting it on your priority list. I don’t want to be like this any longer than I have to.”
“Of course.” She got to work sifting through all the books and I took that as my cue to leave.
Back on the ground floor, i asked Milly, “Is there a time travel or alternate dimension department?”
“You must be looking for the Department of Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. It’s on the 4th floor.”
I was grinning at the name of the department as I stepped onto the elevator pad. I walked down the hall that the sign pointed me to and found a suspiciously blue box at the end of it. Upon knocking, a familiar brown pony opened the door. “Hello, I’m the Doctor. Welcome to the Department of TARDIS, how may we help you?”
“Doctor?”
“Wait, is that you Síor?”
“Yeah.”
“How did you become an alicorn?”
“Oh, I never mentioned that to you? I made a thing that lets me change my race if I need to. It comes in handy if I ever need to visit Cloudsdale or when I’m here as a researcher.”
“So, you’re the head of the Department of TARDIS? Very clever name by the way.”
“Well, when I posed the idea for the department, they needed a name for it so TARDIS was the first thing that came to mind. I designed the exterior of the department after my TARDIS and I also made it bigger on the inside. I use this department to see if I can’t find any other way to get myself and my TARDIS out of this time period or to get the TARDIS up and running again. I fixed the mobility circuits by the way. So, I can move places, I just can’t time travel.”
“Well, that’s actually why I’m here. I was wondering if you could find any way to use magic to send me back to the time of humans. Either that or send me to a different dimension where humans are still alive.”
“Well, Starswirl the Bearded created time travel spells but we’re talking a length of over 6 billion years. It’s barely allowed for up to 1000 years.”
“I already knew about Starswirl’s time travel spells as well as their limitation. Which Is why I was thinking you could create a group spell.”
“A group spell? You mean a spell that was meant to be cast by multiple people at once? I don’t think anything like that has ever been done. The closest thing I can think of that works like that is the Elements of Harmony but they use artifacts. I suppose I could work on something. But you won’t want to be an alicorn when you go back, it might scare the humans.”
“I already have Shifty from the Transformation Department working on that. She said it could take as long as a few months.”
“Well, this group spell could take a couple years, but I’ll see what I can do.”
“Well, I’m not in a huge hurry, I just need it done before I go crazy in ponyland.”
“Understandable. I’ll see to it that’s it’s put on our priority list.”
“Thanks Doctor.” That done, I left the Tower and went to get Twilight and Spike and we went home.
Chapter 29--Diamond Dogs
The next day, back in Ponyville, I was going to go hunting but Twilight stopped me. “Where are you going, Síor?” she asked.
“Hunting,” I replied.
“Why? Your new body doesn’t require meat and it would probably reject any meat anyways. And besides, you can’t even use your crossbow.”
“That may be so but I enjoy hunting and I enjoy the taste of meat even if it’s bad for me. And I’ll find some other way of killing things. I still have my knife and I know how to levitate things now.”
“Well, that just brings up another issue. Princess Celestia said that if you get a cutie mark it would be impossible to turn you back.”
“She didn’t say impossible, she said it would be harder.”
“Regardless, cutie marks are typically gain by doing something you like to do. Therefore, it would be unwise to do anything you enjoy doing or risk getting a cutie mark and being an alicorn forever.”
“So, you’re saying I should do something I hate doing?”
“That would be best.”
“Alright, I’ll see you later.”
“Wait, where are you going?”
“I’ll be at Rarity’s.” I left to do just that.
When I got there, I passed a cream-colored mare with crazy blue hair and a rather flashy outfit. “Well well well, what have we here? A male alicorn?” she said with a voice that made me think she either was a pop star or was trying to hard to act like one. “You would be perfect for my next concert!” I guess she really was a pop star.
“Yeah, no thanks. I don’t like this body much and I’m definitely not gonna be showing it off in front of a crowd,” I told her.
“Did you just turn down me? Sapphire Shores, the Pony of Pop?”
I decided to have a little fun with her so I put on my best impression of a fangirl. “Oh my god! Your Sapphire Shores?! I’m so sorry! I’ve heard absolutely nothing about you! Of course I don’t want to be in your concert!”
“Well--wait, what? You haven’t heard of me?”
“Don’t take it personally. I’m sure everyone else here has heard of you but I’ve only been in this time period for less than six month so I know next to nothing about who’s famous and who has power and who I should give a fuck about.”
“Well, allow me to introduce myself. I am Sapphire Shores, world-renowned superstar. Who are you to have not heard of me and what do you mean this time period?”
“I’m Síor. I’m a human who came from billions of years in the past. I’m not normally an alicorn and I gotta say I’m not too fond of it.”
“Nonsense! You should be proud of your body even if it’s temporary!”
“Yeah, whatever. Like I said, I’m not interested in being in a concert. I have a thing about singing in front of people.”
“I can cure any stagefright you might have.”
“And I also can’t dance worth shit as a pony so that’s out of the question.”
“I have some of the best choreographers we can teach you to dance in no time flat.”
“Look, what is it gonna take to get you to stop pestering me?”
“A yes would work.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“That’s good enough for me. Here’s my card if you decide to join.” She gave me a card and left.
As she walked past, I caught a whiff of what I assumed was her perfume. It smelled odd but it was strangely enticing. I decided it was nothing and continued into the boutique. “Rarity?” I called out. I went searching for her while calling out to her. I finally found her in her workroom passed out. I sighed and got a bucket of water with the only magic I knew. She woke up and looked around then set her eyes on me.
“Síor, was that you?” she asked.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I just got here.” Well that’s half true.
“Well, give me a moment while I dry myself off and restyle my mane.” She went to what I assumed was her bedroom and re-primped herself. An hour of me making a fort out of fabric later, she finally came back out looking like her usual self. “Síor, are you still here?”
She came back into the workroom and saw my fort. I was wearing a bunch of fabric that I had made to look like armor and I had an empty fabric roll as a play sword. “Halt!” I said. “Who dares to approach the Fabric Fortress?”
“Síor, what are you doing?”
“I got bored waiting for you so I made a Fabric Fortress.”
“Yes, I can see that, but I was talking about your ‘armor.’ It does not look good.”
“It’s not supposed to look good, it’s just a representation. You gotta use your imagination.”
“Síor, I am an artist! You do not need to tell me to use my imagination. Now, is there anything I can help you with?”
“I was just wondering if you needed help with anything.” Never thought I’d say that to her.
“Well, now that you mention it, I could use some help with my next line of outfits.”
“I’m not exactly a fashion expert.”
“Oh, no, it’s nothing like that. You see, darling, before you got here, I was visited by the one and only Sapphire Shores.”
“Oh, yeah. I passed her on the way here.”
“Well, she saw my gem-encrusted new outfit and ordered it and five more like it.”
“I can’t exactly sew either.”
“That’s not what I need help with. You see, I had used up all the gems in my storage on that one outfit so I need to find some more.”
“And you want me to help with that?”
“Precisely. Now as I understand, with your recent transformation you are able to perform magic, correct?”
“I can only use a levitation spell.”
“Well, I have a spell that I use for finding gems. I should be able to teach it to you as I did Twilight.”
“I guess it’s worth a try. But I probably won’t be as quick a learner as Twilight.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to be. Twilight is a magical prodigy, you’re--well, you.” Ouch.
“Whatever, just teach me the spell.” She went through the explanation of the spell and how it worked. I barely understood it enough to perform the spell so I won’t even try to explain the process. It basically made my horn into a metal detector for gems. Another hour later, we were out in the stone quarry that I didn’t know was nearby with Spike to help with the digging.
We set to work with me and Rarity finding gems and me and Spike digging them up. Spike kept finding interesting ways of doing this but I just did the only thing I could think of doing to dig and just scratched at the ground with my hooves. It was a slow process but it worked.
After a while of working, Rarity detected something strange. “What’s this?” she asked. “Another gem.” She followed her horn to where the gem was. “In a tree? What is a gem doing in a tree?” She rifled through the leaves and found the gem, along with the creature it was attached to. “Oh!” she exclaimed in surprise as three canine creatures came out of the tree.
“Hello,” one of them, probably the leader of the group, said. “We are the Diamond Dogs.”
“Sup,” I said. “So you’re dogs, huh? You’re the first dogs I’ve seen since arriving here in Equestria. So, what’s it like to be a dog?”
“It’s fine I guess,” he said, surprised by the question.
“Cool, cool. So what did you need?”
“We hunt for gems.”
“K. What of it?”
“You ponies find gems better. So now, we hunt for you.” The other two dogs jumped at me and Rarity. We tried to fight them off and Spike came to help when he saw what was happening but they were smart and I was a pony so we didn’t accomplish much. They knocked Spike out and dragged Rarity and me into a hole never to be seen again!
Except by the ones who had captured us. They dragged us down into the deep, dark, dank underground. Once we reach the cave floor, they turned to us and the leader said, “Good, we have the ponies now.”
“What do you want with us?” Rarity asked.
“You find gems with your magic.”
“Find gems? Alright.” She did her magic gem finding thing and found a small pile of gems underground and used a nearby stick to mark it with an X. “There you are, sirs. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to return to the surface.”
“Good. Now dig.”
“Dig? You said you wanted us to find gems.”
“Yes. Find and then dig.”
“Sorry, but I don’t dig. Unless you have shovels of course.”
“Shovels? What are shovels? Fine. Dogs, dig!” A group of dogs other than the main three started digging where Rarity had marked.
“There, you have your gems. May we go now?”
“No! You must find more gems!”
“Rarity, I think it would be best if we did what they say,” I said. “They have weapons and most of them are bigger than us. On top of that, I don’t know any combat spells.”
“I suppose you’re right. Fine, we’ll continue to find gems for you, but you must do the digging.”
And so we went for what was surely a few hours. With our help, the Diamond Dogs had many carts overflowing with gems. “Enough!” The leader, whom I had discovered was named Spot, yelled. “Dogs, move the gems to the storage. We’re done for today.”
“Does this mean we can go now?” Rarity asked.
“Go? No, you will stay here with us forever.” The other two co-leaders, Rover and Fido, grabbed us and dragged us off to a dungeon-like cell as Spot followed. “You will stay here for the night. While you are here, you will make good of yourselves and not attempt to escape. Also, I smell that the female is in heat. More gems finders would be good.” They left with that and we were alone, behind bars, with no apparent escape route.
“Is he implying what I think he’s implying?” I asked.
“That depends on what it is that you think he’s implying,” Rarity replied.
“I’m pretty sure he wants you and me to fuck.”
“That’s what I thought, as well. But we certainly don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.”
“What do you mean if I want to? Are you implying that you would want to?”
“I’m sure you’ve heard this from the others but you really are a handsome stallion.”
“Yeah, but you know I kinda have a thing with Fluttershy, right?”
“I think you only got into that relationship to keep yourself out of any other relationship.”
“How’d you know?”
“It’s pretty obvious that you don’t really like Fluttershy that way. And we all know she wouldn’t make any advances on you so it was the obvious choice to pick her as your relationship shield, for lack of a better term.”
“You ponies are smarter than I give you credit for. Unfortunately, though, I don’t think we really have much of a choice whether we want to fuck or not.”
“What do you mean?”
I gestured towards the four shimmering lights in each corner of the ceiling. “Scrying sensors. I don’t know how they got them but they allow them to spy on us.”
“How do you know that?”
“Let’s just say that in my time, there was a game that had scrying sensors that would look something like those. Point is, they can see us and everything we do, or don’t do. So, as much as I don’t want to, I’m afraid we’re gonna have to fuck.”
“At the very least could you call it by a gentler name, such as making love?”
“I could but it wouldn’t be truthful since I don’t love you. I could say have sex, if you prefer.”
“I suppose that’s a little better. But one thing the dogs said comes to memory. I am in heat as they said so if we do...have sex...it could likely result in me becoming pregnant.”
“What, you don’t have some sort of magic birth control spell?”
“Not that I know.”
“Well, it shouldn’t be a problem. I’m not naturally a pony so I don’t think we can actually be sexually compatible.”
“Are you willing to take that risk?”
“What choice do we have? And if I do get you pregnant, then I’ll just have to find some way to get out of Equestria so I don’t have to deal with that fatherhood bullshit.”
“So, you’re saying you would leave me to care for a foal on my own?”
“You wouldn’t be alone. You got friends.”
“True, but that’s still rather inconsiderate of you.”
“And who said I was a nice person?”
“I’m quite certain you did at one point.”
“Did I? I don’t recall doing that. In any case, I’m not ready to be a father and I probably won’t be any time soon. If you get pregnant, then I’m sure we can find some sort of abortion clinic that can take care of that.”
“But what if I want to keep the foal?”
“Then keep it. All I’m saying is I don’t think I’m responsible enough to help care for it. But I do think that we should start having sex before they create a stronger sensor that can hear us as well.”
“How do you know these one’s can’t already hear us?”
“They aren’t bright enough. Point is, we should get to the sexing before they can hear us.”
“So, um, how shall we go about this?”
“How should I know? You’re the one who’s been a pony their whole life.”
“Be that as it may, I’m not exactly an expert at this.”
“Don’t tell me you’re a virgin.” She nodded. “How can you still be a virgin at your age?” She started shying away. “I’m sorry. It’s just a little hard to believe that someone with your eloquence could still be a virgin.”
“I was saving myself until I was married.”
“I can respect that, even if I think it’s a bad idea.”
“Why is that a bad idea?”
“Because, there’s no way to know if you like the sex that your husband gives you. You shouldn’t get married if the sex is bad because most marriage vows include something about remaining loyal to your partner. Once you’re married, you’re stuck with that guy until death, or divorce.”
“I suppose that makes sense. But it doesn’t really matter anymore.”
“Hey, no offense but you're not exactly my first choice to lose my virginity to either.”
“Wait, you’re--”
“Yeah. Being in a field of mostly males will kinda make it hard to have sex unless you’re willing to swing both ways.”
“Well, this isn’t the worst way to lose one’s virginity, I suppose.”
“I guess rape would be worse.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“What? I’m saying I would rather have sex with you than be raped. It’s a compliment.”
“If you say so. Let us just get this over with.”
We did our best to figure out how ponies had sex. This resulted in us being in a rather compromising position when Twilight showed up with the rest of the group. She quickly covered Spike’s eyes and asked, “Do I want to know?”
“We were forced,” I explained as I pushed Rarity off of me.
“Yeah, I can see that,” she said sarcastically.
“Oh, just shut up and get us out of here before the dogs discover what’s up.”
“Oh, they shouldn’t be a problem, we took them out on our way here.”
“All of them? How?”
“I do know a little bit of combat magic. It also helps to know how to disable the scrying sensors that they have in the halls.”
“Well, since the dogs are taken care of,” Rarity said, “do you mind if we raid their gem storage?” We all looked rather shocked at her saying that. “What? Síor and I found those gems fair and square. And besides, I need a lot of gems to finish my outfits for Sapphire Shores.”
“If you know where the storage is then we can stop by there on the way out.”
“I know where it is,” I said. “In my spare time since becoming a pony, I learned how to do a tracking spell. I casted it on one of the gem carts before they were taken to the storage. It’s not to far from here. Follow me.” I led them to where my tracker said the gems were and they all started strapping themselves onto the carts.
“When did you learn a tracking spell?’ Twilight asked me as I strapped a cart to my own back and started walking out.
“Last night when I couldn’t sleep. I figured I might as well make use of my time and learn a useful spell.”
“I must say, you have quite the aptitude for magic to be able to learn a tracking spell in only a night.”
“I guess it just comes naturally to me. It might have something to do with the fact that I’ve wanted to be able to do magic since I was only 14. And now I’m 6,283,183,310 years old.”
“How do you know that?”
“I have a friend who knows things. By my physical aging, though, I’m only 21.”
“How can you be only 21? You would still be a foal.”
“You’re forgetting that humans have a much shorter lifespan than ponies. We’re only babies for a couple years. Then we’re children until age 13. After that we’re teenagers until age 20. Then we’re young adults until about age 30. Next, we go through mid-adulthood until we’re about 60. At that point we’re considered elderly until we die which can be as long as age 122.”
“So, you’ll only live to be 122?”
“That’s if I make healthy choices and all that bullshit. And I don’t particularly want to rub olive oil on my skin.”
“What?”
“The oldest person ever documented was 122 and it was said that she would rub olive oil on herself to keep healthy and alive.”
“Hm, weird.”
“Yep.”
“So, what did you mean when you said you were forced to have sex with Rarity?”
“They said they wanted us to make more gem finders.”
“That doesn’t mean you had to listen to them.”
“Didn’t you see the scrying sensors in the cell? If we didn’t do what they said then they would know and punishment would ensue.”
“Um, there weren’t any scrying sensors in the cell.”
“Then what were those shimmering lights in the corners of the ceiling?”
“That was just shined metal. Probably to make you think that they did have scrying sensors in there.”
“So, you mean--? Goddammit!”
She chuckled. “Well, did you enjoy it?”
“Why are you asking? Do you wanna fuck Rarity too?”
“No, you just said that you would, and I quote, ‘never become a horsefucker.’”
“Have you been listening to my muses as I write my journal?”
“That doesn’t matter. Answer the question.”
“It was...alright. I’ll admit it was better than I was expecting but I think I would still prefer a human woman.”
“Most races do prefer their own but given time, interracial relationships do occur.”
“But interspecial relationships could never flourish because the partners aren’t sexually compatible.”
“Actually, according to Zecora, there is a fruit in the Everfree Forest that allows any sexual partners to produce offspring.”
“Of course there is. Why wouldn’t there be?” We got to Rarity’s house and dropped the gems off before heading home.
“Enough with the sarcasm. Let’s just get home so we can get you ready to go to Canterlot.”
“Why are we going to Canterlot again?”
“Due to recent events, Princess Celestia decided to move the Knighting Ceremony up to next Monday, the 20th, because apparently you can’t keep yourself out of danger. So, she thinks that if you’re knighted and given armor, you might be safer.”
“I guess that makes sense. But why do we need to go to Canterlot now? Can’t we wait until next week when it’s closer to the date of the Ceremony?”
“We need to go now because you have to have your armor fitted. It usually takes a week to make the armor and a few extra days to fix any mistakes.”
“So, if they’re having my armor fit to me now, does that mean that they’re nowhere near finding a solution to my ponyness?”
“That would be correct. Sorry.”
“Whatever. If I’m gonna be knighted as a pony then I think I have a solution to swearing my allegiance.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re going to try doing what I think you’re going to try doing.”
“If what I think you’re thinking I’m thinking of trying to do is right then you have a sick mind.”
“I don’t think you think I’m thinking you’re thinking of trying to do what I think you’re thinking of trying to do.”
“I think you think I think you think I’m thinking of trying to have sex with Celestia.”
“I think you think...I think...you...wait...I’m confused.”
“Yay, I win!”
“Whatever. If what I think you’re going to try is correct then you shouldn’t do that. Or have sex with Princess Celestia, either.”
“Ruin all my fun, why don’t you.”
“Yeah yeah. Hurry and get ready, we’re wanting to catch the 8-o’clock train.”
“What do I need to bring other than myself?”
“I suggest bringing something to do since we’ll be in Canterlot for more than a week.”
“I thought I was gonna be busy getting fitted for my armor.”
“Yes but that will only take up about 2 hours each day. So, I suggest you bring some other things to keep yourself out of trouble.”
“Fine.” I packed Clover’s Journal, my own journaling supplies, and my whittling stuff. When we were all set, we went to catch the train to Canterlot where I would dread being for an entire week.
Chapter 30--Back in Canterlot
Chapter 30--Back in Canterlot
Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking hate this god damn city? The ponies are snooty and everything is overpriced. And not to mention the utter lack of things to do. I’m not surprised by the lack of things to do because the snooty ponies are the ones in charge of literally everything so the entirety of all entertainment is museums, Wonderbolts races, and places to spend their massive piles of gold. And along with all that, the food industry was equally annoying. All the restaurants are high priced and fucking five-star fancy annoying bullshit so you can never just go out for a bite to eat, it’s always an event. As such, I ate at the castle every day. Which I probably would have done anyways because they have the best chef presumably in the world and he actually knows how to cook meat to order. It was also free so that’s always a plus.
Anyways, my first armor fitting appointment wasn’t until that Friday so the two days prior were enough to drive me fucking crazy. If Twilight hadn’t enchanted my carving knife so that I couldn’t hurt myself, I probably would have started cutting off my fingers as something to do--that is, if I still had fingers. I had already read Clover’s journal to look for as many clues as possible but there seemed to be some parts missing, especially involving things that happened in Canterlot because when Clover returned home after retrieving the Stones, a lot of shit had happened.
Anyways, when we got to Canterlot, I was taken directly to Celestia and Luna so I could tell them my decision of what kind of knight I was gonna be. “Ah, Síor, you’re finally here,” Celestia said. “So have you decided who to swear your loyalty to?”
“Neither,” I replied.
“Please explain thyself,” Luna said.
“I’ve been doing a little reading lately and I came across a book about the different kinds of knights. Within this book I read about the Umbral Knights.”
“Only ponies can become Umbral Knights,” Celestia said.
“And as far as we know, I am irreversibly a pony.”
“He does make a point, sister,” Luna said.
“Why are you taking his side?” Celesta asked. “I thought you wanted him as a knight as well.”
“That is true but there really is nothing we can do. We are forcing him to be a knight and letting him choose what type of knight he wishes to be. In his current state, he qualifies to be an Umbral Knight. Who are we to reject him that choice?”
“I suppose you’re right. But what should happen if he does return to his human form?”
“Then we shall have a human among our Umbral ranks. What of it?”
“It’s against tradition. We have always had only ponies in the Umbral ranks even when Mother and Father were still alive--though back then they were called Continual Knights.”
“It may be tradition but perhaps it’s time to change traditions. In any case, I’ve always thought that particular tradition was rather racist. As a matter of fact, if you had changed that tradition long ago, our current foreign relations would likely be in a much better state than they are.”
“Let us not speak of the hypothetical past. I suppose since there truly is no reason to not grant him Umbral Knight status, it is what we must do. Very well, Síor, when you go to be measured for you armor on Friday, be sure to tell the blacksmith that you are becoming an Umbral Knight so your armor can be made with the proper coloration.”
“Will do,” I said and I left.
That Sunday, I went to the royal armory for my first measuring appointment. “Good afternoon,” a pony, surprisingly a mare, greeted me from the back. “How may I help you today?” she asked as she came to the front counter. I saw that she was an Earth Pony. Her fur was a light grey and her mane was a strangely well-suited pink. She had an anvil for her cutie mark.
“I was told to come here to get measured for my armor,” I said.
“Ah, you must be Síor. Please come to my back room and we’ll begin with your measurements.” She started walking to the back room and I followed. “My name is Lisbeth, by the way.”
“Huh, that’s an abnormally normal name for a pony.”
“Most ponies just say it’s abnormal. What do you mean ‘abnormally normal?’”
“Well, most ponies have names that describe their talent or something about them but you just have a normal person name.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, from my perspective, all other pony names are weird because their all these stupid names that I have never encountered before but your name is a variation of one of the most common names of my time.”
“What do you mean of your time?”
“Are we gonna get my measurements or talk about my life?”
“Who’s to say we can’t do both?”
“I am because I don’t want to tell the story of my existence in Equestria again.”
“Alright, what do you want to talk about then?” She got her tailor’s tape and started measuring my body.
“Is nothing an option?”
“I suppose but I always prefer to talk with my customers; I find it reduces the awkwardness.”
“Fair enough. Pick a topic and we can talk.” I levitated my cloak to a corner so she could begin the measurements.
“Well, you could talk about how you’re an alicorn. I thought the princesses were the only ones.”
“Ugh, I’m really getting tired of telling this story. Long story short, I used to be human but after some idiot unicorn tried to cast a new spell during a magic battle that I was forced into, I became an alicorn. And from what we can tell, it’s irreversible.”
“Who’s we?”
“Me, the princesses, the Unicorn Tower, Twilight, everyone else who’s had any part in trying to fix this.”
“Sounds like you have a pretty good team working on it. So why do you think you became an alicorn of all things?”
“Fuck if I know. From what we could tell, the spell that the unicorn was trying to cast was meant to make her into an alicorn but when it backfired, I took the full-force of it. However, according to Twilight, I should have only gained wings and not the full body and the horn because a successful alicornation spell would only add wings to the caster. So it’s anyone’s guess why I’m an alicorn.”
“Interesting. You mentioned that you were a human before. What’s that?”
“Basically, a hairless fleshy bipedal creature with front-facing eyes, hands, and omnivorous capabilities.”
“Omnivorous? So you can eat meat?”
“I could, but thanks to my new body, I’m unable to digest it properly so no one will let me eat any. Gotta say, being vegetarian sucks.”
“You’ll get used to it. Being born into it is certainly easier, I’m sure, but just as with any changes in life, your body will adapt.”
“This isn’t exactly what I had in mind when it comes to my body adapting.”
“Sorry. Could you extend your wings, please?”
“I’m afraid not. I wasn’t born with these things so I haven’t learned how to use them yet.”
“No worries, I’ll lift them for you.” She lifted a hoof to my right wing and gently extended it outward as she measured it’s span.
“I may not be able to move them but I sure can feel you moving them. Please be gentle, they feel rather tender.”
“Yes, from what I’ve heard, wings are a very sensual part of pegasus anatomy. Most pegasi I get in here can hardly keep a straight face when I start measuring their wings. You should be proud, you have the longest wingspan I’ve seen by quite a bit. Most pegasi would be envious.”
“That’s probably because I’m an alicorn, not a pegasus. In my brief experience here in Equestria, it seems that alicorns are generally larger than other ponies.”
“So I’ve noticed, as well. Most of your measurements have been rather larger than any other pony I’ve measured. It seems that the full height of a pony just reaches your shoulders.”
“That’s about how it was when I was still human. The princesses are a little taller than me though, but only by a few inches.”
“Well, I think that’ll do for now. I just need to know what coloration I need to apply.”
“I’m gonna be an Umbral Knight.”
“An Umbral? I haven’t made for an Umbral since I first became the Royal Blacksmith over 100 years ago.”
“Well, allow me to renew your record.”
“Indeed. Would you like a full-helm or just a cranial covering?”
“Full would be best.”
“Alright. Well, I’ll need you to come back on Wednesday so I can make sure I make everything the right size.”
“Sounds good. Now if you need me, I’m staying in the castle. Just ask for me and someone will get me. Until next time.” I put my cloak on and left to go back to my miserable existence.
As I was wondering around town after my appointment, I suddenly realised that it was soon to be evening. That in mind, I started looking for Vinyl to see if she was hosting a party or something tonight. Of course this proved difficult since I didn’t know where she hung out other than the night bar so I tried looking for Octavia to see if she knew where Vinyl was. I recalled Twilight telling me of a concert hall on the east end of Canterlot so I went there figuring that if Octavia was in town, she would probably be there.
Lo and behold, she was there practicing her cello in a side room. I assumed it was her based on the description Vinyl gave me: “a coat as grey and beautiful as a wolf, a mane as dark as night, eyes like amethyst, and the cello playing skills of a goddess.” She forgot to mention the ‘treble clef cutie mark as elegant as the pony herself’ or something like that but I’m more curious where she heard the word goddess from since as far as I know, there are no deities in this time. Anyways when I found Octavia, she was playing what sounded like Titanium so I sat down and let her finish before trying to talk to her. When the song was over, I tried clapping before I realised I didn’t have any hands. So instead, I just walked up to the stage that she was on. The sound of my walking must have startled her out of her daze because she opened her eyes and looked around the room until her eyes found me walking down the center aisle.
“Oh, hello sir,” she said. “I wasn’t aware I had an audience.” She seemed to blush a little as she turned her head away.
“Well, it sounded great,” I assured her. “I’m Síor, by the way. I’m sure Vinyl has mentioned me.”
“Vinyl did mention someone with that name but she said he was a human. You are certainly not a human, whatever that is.”
“I assure you, I am human despite my current appearance. Long story short, I seem to have some powerful enemies one of which accidentally trapped me in this body until either one of the princesses or someone at the Unicorn Tower can find a way to fix it.”
“I see. So what brings you here today?”
“Actually, I was wondering if you could tell me if Vinyl was in town.”
“I’m afraid not. She has a very important ‘gig’ in Fillydelphia. It’s rather unfortunate that it happened to land on the same week as one of the biggest concerts of my life.”
“I’m sure she feels equally upset about it. She cares about you a lot.”
“I know. And this gig of hers is very important for her. She told me that there were rumors of some very high-up modern music ponies and if they like her performance she could be set for life. The same goes for this concert. Some of the most well known classical music critics are supposed to be there so if all goes well, this could be the opportunity of my lifetime.”
“Sounds like both of you have your entire lives resting on this week. But if you perform half as well as you just did, I’m sure you’ll impress even the snootiest of critics.”
“You’re quite the flatterer. Would you like to hear more?”
“Well, it’s not like there’s anything else in this town to do.”
“Well, I’ll play some more for you but this evening, I’m going to show you some fun things that we can do.”
“Hey, I thought you were dating Vinyl.”
“And I thought you were dating Fluttershy. Get your head out of the gutters, I wasn’t implying that .”
“I probably should put an end to that relationship before it goes too far.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll tell you later.”
“Why don’t you tell me now?”
“Tell you what, if tonight is as fun as you’re saying it will be, then I’ll tell you all about my relationship problems.”
“Hmm, sounds like a deal. Shall we begin with a sneak preview of my concert?”
“Fire away.”
She brought her bow back up to her cello and began playing more cello renditions of songs from my time. After she played about ten songs, ending with “Shake It Off,” I stopped her and asked where she heard all those songs.
“Well, one day Vinyl and I were exploring the Canterlot Music Library for some inspiration. We went into the Ancient wing of the library to see if we couldn’t bring back some long forgotten music but all the music in that wing was stored on some sort of strange discs and they didn’t have any way of playing them. The librarian said that we could take them but we were on our own finding out how to play them. After a few weeks of research and help from the Unicorn Tower, we finally built a device that could play the discs and they had some very interesting music on them in a language that we couldn’t understand.”
“What do you mean? All the songs you were playing are in English.”
“And we speak Equestrian, not whatever you just said.”
“Wait, if Equestrian and English are different languages, then how can I understand all of you?”
“My guess is that you were given a translation charm.”
“I guess, but Twilight didn’t know I was sentient until I started talking and I could understand her when I first arrived so how did she know to cast the translation spell?”
“Hard to say, you’d have to ask her yourself.”
“Yeah. So you were able to play the music but you couldn’t understand it.”
“Right, so we made up our own lyrics to fit the melodies.”
“So you basically parodied the songs.”
“I suppose you could say that. And of course Vinyl made them into dubstep while I made them into cello songs.”
“Huh. It kinda makes me think.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if music from my time survived 6 billion years, what else might have survived?”
“That’s a good question. But you’ll have to look into that later, we have a fun night to get to, remember?”
“But of course, lead the way.”
She put her cello in its case and locked it with a hoof-recognizing lock. She then led me out the room and into town. “So where are we going?” I asked.
“You’ll see.” As she lead me through town, I made a note of the landmarks so I could find wherever she was taking me again should I enjoy myself. When we finally got to where we were going, I looked at the place. It looked just like any other generic building in Canterlot so you could say I was a little confused.
“What makes this place different from any other building in this town?”
“Wait until we get inside.”
We walked into the building and the entire atmosphere changed instantly. This place was a full out club, complete with a DJ, a colored light floor, and music so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think. She pulled me up to the bar and wrote the number 2 on a piece of paper and handed it to the bartender. In response, the bartender gave us two strange-looking headset things as well as a piece of paper that had the number 106.7 on it. We put the headsets on and Octavia started messing with a dial on the side of hers then on mine. As she did this, I saw a number appear as though projected in front of my face as is slowly climbed to 106.7. She then altered another dial and the volume of the music turned down she then started talking.
“How’s that?”
“Good, I guess. What is this place and what are these weird devices?”
“This place is known as the Pony Party Palooza.”
“What’s with this country and its alliterations?”
“It makes things easy to remember. The devices allow you to alter the music volume so you can have conversations. The number that the barkeeper was an open station that we are now tuned to so that we can only hear each other. If you want to talk to somepony else, just tune to their station.”
“So why couldn’t we hear the music from outside?”
“I’ve often wondered that myself but supposedly the owner of the joint has a special device that blocks sound from exiting the building.”
“Hmm, that sounds familiar. So how do you know about this place? I thought you were more into classical music.”
“I actually enjoy all kinds of music, and besides you can’t really dance to classical music all that well.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“Come on, let’s go to the back room.”
“Back room?”
She led me to a door next to the stage where a bouncer-looking unicorn was standing with a sign that simply had the number 103.5 on it. I saw Octavia turn her dial to the number and I did the same, which proved difficult with hooves but I managed. When the bouncer saw that we were properly tuned, he said, “Good evening, Charming Cellist, who’s this?”
“A new friend of mine, who still needs to pick a name.”
“What about me needing to pick a name?”
“Everyone here has a codename to prevent incrimination. Our cutie marks and appearances are also changed when we walk through the door. Only the ponies you come with can see your true appearance.”
“What do you mean prevent incrimination?”
“Just pick a name, you’ll find out soon enough.”
“Alright, call me Fabulous Fucker.”
“Really?”
“What, it’s a perfect description of myself.”
She just sighed and shook her head.
“Charming Cellist, do you have the password?” the bouncer asked.
“Pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows.”
“That is correct. Enjoy.” He opened the door with his magic and we went in.
When we got inside, we changed our station back to the private station and Octavia said, “Síor, welcome to the only place in Equestria where you can get alcohol.”
“You’re kidding!” I went straight to the bar and ordered a pint of porter.
“That didn’t take you long.”
“Hey, don’t judge, I haven’t had a good porter in over 6 billion years.”
“Fair enough. There is also a drug room over there should you desire that.”
“What kind of drugs?”
“Marijuana, cocaine, opium, ecstasy, you name it.”
“Normally I would say that I could lose my job by doing drugs but now I figure why not?” I took my pint of porter and went to the drug room to get high. That’s all I really remember from that night, everything after that is kind of a blur but apparently I did eventually tell Octavia about my relationship problems. I was also given the location that the club would be the next day because apparently it changed places every day to ensure security and only people who had been there before could find the next spot. Anyways, I found myself going there quite often while I was in Canterlot, especially since knights--and apparently soon-to-be knights--drank and smoked free. Needless to say, I was a little high and probably drunk for my next armor appointment.
“Knock knock,” I said as I entered the royal armory.
“Síor, nice of you to show up,” Lisbeth answered when she heard me.
“You’re supposed to say ‘who’s there.’”
“Alright, who’s there?”
“I don’t know. Ooh, what’s that?” I quickly walked over to the glowing hot molten metals that she had melting in the fire.
“My latest masterpiece. When it’s done, it should be the best sword in my collection.” I reached out a hoof to touch it because reasons. “What are you doing?” She quickly pulled my hoof back.
“I wanna touch it.”
“Well don’t. Most ponies would consider it common sense that you don’t touch molten metal.”
“But I’m not a pony. I am God!”
“I don’t care what you are, don’t touch the molten steel! Now get over here so I can verify your measurements.”
“Oh, right.”
“So what were you doing that made you so late today?”
“I was um………”
“...Síor?”
“I’m hungry, do you have any pie?”
“Um, no. Can you just stand still so I can verify the sizes I got for you.”
“Yeah, sure. But seriously, I could really go for some pie.”
“You’ll have to wait until after I’m done.”
“Ooh, shiny!” I walked over to one of the displays as I looked at the light reflecting on it.”
“Síor! Get back over here and please, for the love of Celestia, stay still!”
“Right, right.” I walked back over to the pedestal and attempted to be a good boy.
“Good. Now so far, I have the chestplate and helmet made so let’s try them on to make sure they fit.” She brought out the pieces of armor and helped me put them on.”
“I feel invincible!” I then proceeded to run head-first into the closest wall I could find. This resulted in making myself incredibly dizzy.
“Well, you’re not invincible so don’t go trying that again. The armor seems to fit well so let’s get it off of you so I can get back to the rest of it.” We took the armor off and she set it on a nearby ponnequin. “I’ll need you to come back on Sunday for a final fitting. Until then, try to lay off the salt-licking.” I think she assumed that I had been salt-licking since drugs were illegal and all. After that, I went back to doing fuck all until my final appointment which I was much more sober for.
“Lisbeth, I’m here for the last measure,” I called out when I arrived at the Royal Armory.
“Ah, Síor. I do hope you’re sober this time,” she said as she came from the back room.
“That noticeable, was it?”
“Síor, a foal could have guessed you were high.”
“Well, not to worry, I’m completely sober today.”
“Good, then let’s get started. As I’m sure you can assume, all of your armor has been made by now, I just wanted to put it all on you to make sure it all fit just in case I need to fix any of it.”
“Sounds good.”
She got to work putting the armor on me being careful around my wings. She didn’t want me talking while she was putting it on because apparently it would cause movement that would hinder her work. She also wanted me to listen while she told me how to put it on myself. When she was finished she determined that it was all perfect, she allowed me to take it home. “Here’s a ponnequin for you to store it on. As an Umbral Knight you will be allowed to put your own insignia on your armor so be sure to stop by here after the ceremony tomorrow so we can talk about what your insignia will be.”
“Cool. See you at the ceremony then?”
“As much as I would love to see an Umbral knighted, I’m afraid that I’m not allowed at the ceremony.”
“Why not?”
“It’s not so much that I’m not allowed, but rather that I can’t come. Part of being the Royal Blacksmith is that I’m only allowed days off on national holidays. And the Princesses would never schedule a knighting ceremony on a national holiday. To be honest, I’m surprised they scheduled it this close to Hearth’s Warming.”
“Hearth’s Warming?”
“I forget that you are unaware of pony customs. Hearth’s Warming is our national winter holiday. Traditions include decorating gingerbread houses, exchanging gifts, spending time with distant family members, and of course the tradition Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant.”
“Sounds a lot like Christmas.”
“What’s Christmas?”
“Essentially the same thing but it’s also connected with religion despite the fact that the event it’s meant to celebrate actually most likely happened in either September or March.”
“What’s religion?”
“An organized system of beliefs, ceremonies, and rules used to worship a god or a group of gods.”
“What’s God?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
“Síor, I’m over 600 years old. I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough life experience to handle whatever it is that you would tell me.”
“Fine, a god is a spirit or being that has great power, strength, knowledge, etc., and that can affect nature and the lives of people.”
“So like the Princesses?”
“There are differences but I’m not gonna tell you those differences because I’m not allowed to disclose national secrets.”
“Fair enough, though that just makes me more curious.”
“If there comes a time when Celestia and Luna don’t control my life, I’d be happy to tell you but as I am becoming their knight, that time probably won’t be soon.”
“Well, then I shall patiently wait for such a time to come.”
“Sure. I’ll see you when I see you, I guess.”
“Until we meet again.” And with those parting words, I returned to my room in the castle with an armored ‘ponnequin’ levitating behind me.
Chapter 31--Knighthood
The next day, I was waken up much earlier than I would have liked because apparently there was a bunch of preparations that needed to be done for the knighting ceremony. Most of these preparations included cleaning me and making sure I knew what I was supposed to do during the ceremony. After all that, it was finally time for the ceremony itself.
I was standing outside the door to the ceremony room the waiting the signal for me to enter. When the royal fanfare started, I knew that Celestia and Luna were entering at the front of the room and when it died down, they would say a few words about me and then a new set of fanfare would start and that was my cue to throw open the giant doors and waltz down the aisle towards them. Well, not actually waltz because that would be rather difficult to do with all this fucking armor and being a fucking pony… Also not actually throwing open the doors because apparently that was the guards’ job and they wouldn’t let me do it. I never get to have any fun anymore.
Anyways, the royal fanfare died down and the Celestia began to present me. “Fillies and gentlecolts,” she said, “thank you all for attending this momentous occasion. It has been many years since we have had the honor of presenting a new knight to join the ranks of our royal guard, And it has been many years more since such a knight has been welcomed into the Umbral ranks. So without further ado, we present Síor.”
The fanfare resumed and the doors opened for me to begin my graceful walk. As I approached the front of the room, the fanfare reached a peak and ended with a flourish. “Síor,” Celestia said. “Do you swear to pledge your life to serve your country, her leader, and her people?” Not technically my country, but sure.
“To protect the weak and defenseless?” said Luna. Apparently because this was an Umbral knighting they had to share the lines.
“To give succour to widows and orphans?” Are widows and orphans even allowed to exist in Happy-time Ponyland.
“To refrain from the wanton giving of offense?” Eh, no promises there.
“To live by honor and for glory?” Glory, sure. Honor, maybe.
“To despise pecuniary reward?” Not likely.
“To fight for the welfare of all.” Something about the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few or whatever.
“To obey those placed in authority?” Placed in? More like usurped.
“To guard and honor your fellow knights?” Now that I can actually agree with.
“To eschew unfairness, meanness, and deceit?” Except when necessary.
“To at all times speak the truth?” Unless I need to lie. Which could happen often.
“To persevere to the end in any enterprise begun?” I already try to do that but often get distracted…
“To respect the honor of all females?” Well, yes, but the wording of that kinda doesn’t fit the ceremonial vibe. But props for not being racist I guess…
“To never refuse a challenge from an equal?” So always refuse a challenge because everyone is below me? Got it.
“And to never turn your back on a foe?” Well, duh! They’d likely stab my back if I turned it to them. Oh this is my line. “I do.” I know, great line, right?
“Then by our powers as Royal Princesses of the Kingdom of Equestria, we name thee Sir Síor of the Umbral Knights.” Celestia said this part as she walked up to me and dubbed me with her horn followed by Luna doing the same. After that the fanfare resumed as I walked majestically back down the aisle and to Lisbeth’s shop to get my insignia.
“Greetings Sir Síor,” Lisbeth said as I entered her shop. “How was the ceremony?”
“Eh, fine, I guess. Had to pledge my life to things I don’t exactly agree with but whatever. Also can you not with the ‘Sir’ thing?”
“But you are a knight now. It is customary to greet you as ‘Sir.’”
“Yeah, It’s also customary for me to ‘eschew unfairness, meanness, and deceit’ but if you don’t stop then I may be forced to break that rule.”
“Point taken. Anyways, I assume you have come to get your insignia emblazoned on your armor?”
“Yeah so how’s this work?”
“It’s simple really. You tell me what you want the symbol to be--a picture would help--and then I shape an enchanted branding iron into the shape and stamp it onto your shoulder plates. I just need to know what the insignia will be.”
“You got paper, quill, and ink?” She provided the material and I went to work drawing the symbol that I would best represent me and, even more so, humanity as a whole. I began with a circle and a square crossing over each other. I then began adding a foot here, a hand there, a head, a body, some limbs to connect it all and by the time I was done, it looked like a not-too-shabby recreation of Leonardo Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man .
“Interesting. This could take me a bit of time to make the branding iron to the right shape but if you’d like you can come back tomorrow morning and I should have it ready.”
“Sounds good, I gotta go meet the rest of the Umbral knights anyways.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Um, no actually.”
“There hasn’t been an Umbral night in over 100 years.”
“And I thought ponies lived to be like 1000, so what’s the problem?”
“Well, living a normal and safe life, ponies do live to be 1000. However, life as a knight tends to be dangerous. The last Umbral knight died in battle about 135 years ago.”
“So you’re saying I’m the only Umbral alive?”
“Yeah, basically.”
“Huh, well, I guess I’ll go see if Celestia wants me to do anything.”
“You mean Princess Celestia.”
“I mean shut the fuck up before I fuck you up.”
“Whatever.”
I left to go find Sunbutt. She was in her throne room as usual. “‘Sup Sunbutt,” I said when I found her.
“Greetings Sir Síor.”
“Oh, not you too. Can we just not do the whole ‘Sir” thing? You know how I am with formalities.”
“Very well. What did you need?”
“Just wondering what to do while I’m waiting for Lisbeth to get done making the branding iron for my insignia.”
“How long did she say it would take?”
“She said she’d have it done by tomorrow morning.”
“Well in that case, there is something I’d like you to do.”
“Name it.”
“Some of my knights have discovered a mysterious building in the Everfree Forest that I’d like you to investigate. I want you to assemble a team of six, including yourself to explore this building.”
“Me, Qene, Pyra, Doctor, Zecora, and Fancypants.”
“That was fast.”
“I sort people by trustworthiness as I meet them and those are the people at the top of my list aside from a couple I skipped over for various reasons.”
I see, well here’s a map to get to the building.” She floated the map to me. “Feel free to explore it whenever you’re ready.
Chapter 32--The Strange House
Chapter 32--The Strange House
I gathered everyone in front of the mansion-like building for a pep talk. “Alright, you all know why you’re here--”
“Actually we don’t,” Fancypants said. “You’ve merely instructed us to come with you on some sort of mission that Princess Celestia has given you.”
“Oh, right. Well, you’re here because Celestia wants me, and a team of five others, to explore this building which I’m going to refer to as a house or a mansion from here on. Before we begin, I believe Fancypants is the only one here who is unaware the Pyra is in fact a changeling named Mim.” She transformed accordingly. “ With that out of the way, let’s begin. Now, given my understanding of creepy houses in the woods, I’m willing to bet the doors will close and lock behind us when we enter because cliche. Normally, I would have asked you to bring weapons, but apparently the house has a charm on it that prevents all outside weaponry from entering. Furthermore, once inside, you will be unable to fly or use magic save for simple levitation which is why I had these made beforehand.” I gave each of them a small device. “These are communication devices. They’re pretty simple, just put it on your head and talk into it, we should all be able to hear what each of us says. Which brings me to my next point. Celestia I was able to get a spell from the Unicorn Tower that allows Qene to speak but it only lasts a about 5 hours which should be plenty of time to explore. I also got a compass for each of us so we can navigate using cardinal directions. Now, unless there are any questions, let us begin.”
“A question I must ask, before we begin this task,” Zecora said. “If the doors should close and lock, how might we remove that block?”
“We’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. But for now, let’s explore the mansion, shall we?”
They all nodded in agreement and we entered the house where, just as I had predicted, the doors closed and locked behind us. The entrance hall led north to a foyer and a grand staircase. There was a door on the east and west sides of the entrance hall and a door on the east and west sides of the foyer.
“Alright, only one person is going to move at a time,” I said. “I will be making a map as we go so when you enter a new room, you must report immediately what happens, understood?” They all nodded. “I will direct you on where to go. If I tell you to stop, you stop. Got it?” Nods again. “Good. Now, Qene, start by heading west.”
Qene complied with my orders and entered the room to the west. The door closed behind him but it didn’t seem to lock. “I’m in a hallway with a bunch of statues,” Qene said in a deep and silky voice. “The only other door is straight ahead. There’s blood all over the walls and ceiling. It’s dripping out of the statues, too. It’s--”
“What is it Qene? Talk to me,” I said.
“It’s gone. That was weird, but I think I’m alright now.”
“OK, stay there. I’m sending Mim in to help you.”
Mim went into the Statuary Corridor to comfort Qene before moving on the the next room to the west. “I’m outside on what seems to be a patio of sorts,” she said. “The wind is very strong here but I can handle it. There’s a door to the north and one to the west.”
“Sounds good. Go ahead and go to the north door but do not enter yet. Doctor why don’t you head north and upstairs.”
“Will, do.” He went up the stairs. “There is a door in each direction, where shall I go next?”
“Let’s send you south.”
“I’ve entered a room with a vault.”
“Do you think you can open it?”
“Probably but first it seems there’s some sort of slime creature emerging from the wall.”
“Ok, interesting.”
“Indeed it was. It just tackled me and covered me in slime. I’m gonna need a moment to clean this off.”
“Sounds good. Zecora, head east if you would.”
“I’ve entered a room of dining, and on the table, I find a ring. I can see clearly with my eyes, a door to the north is all that lies.”
“Alright, wait there for a bit I’m gonna head to the room west of the foyer. It’s a four-way hallway, though the south door seems to be boarded off, probably because there’s a hallway down there according to my map. Odd that this house would be built that way. Heading north into what appears to be a ballroom with a door to the east where the grand staircase is. Upon investigation, the door leads to a staircase going downward. I’m going down the staircase. I’m now in the basement and there’s a mirror here. I see myself but the reflection isn’t right. It wrote on the mirror the words ‘This will help’ and gave me something through the mirror before returning to a regular mirror. The item was a candle, which is good because it’s rather dark down here. I’m gonna wait here for a while before exploring the basement. Fancypants, I want you to follow my path but instead of going down the stairs, I want you to head north from the ballroom.”
“Right-o.” I allowed him some time to get there. “The room I’m in seems to have had a fire. Everything is very burnt except a strange board with letters and numbers on it.”
“Sounds like a ouija board. Does it have anything else on it?”
“It says that it will reveal what the next room is before I go there.”
“Huh, that might be useful. Go ahead and wait there for the time being. Qene, if you’re good now, let’s have you go to the west of the patio.”
“Woah!”
“What’s the matter?”
“There’s a giant hole in this room that I almost fell down.”
“Are you alright? Can you keep going?”
“I think I’m fine. I can jump over the hole. There’s a door to the west, one to the north, and one to the south.”
“Head south then.”
“I’m back outside in a conservatory. It’s a dead end. There’s an open coffin and the body looks like me. Wait, now it’s gone.”
“Weird, why are all the creepy things happening to you?”
“I don’t know but it’s definitely keeping me on my toes.”
“Well, wait there for now and calm yourself down. Mim, head north.”
“Will do. This room looks fun. There’s a bunch of games everywhere. There’s a door to the west and one to the east.”
“Well, the door to the east leads back into the creaky four-way hall. So head west.”
“Wait, there’s mist coming from the walls. There’s faces in the mist. They look...human.”
“What? That’s crazy talk. I’m sure it’s nothing but stay there for now.”
“Ok, the mist and faces are disappearing now.”
“Great. Doctor, can you open the vault?”
“Well, I’m all cleaned up now so I’ll give it a go.” He took a second to work the vault door. “Got it!”
“Great! What’s in there?”
“Nothing much. There’s a golden idol and a very white feather.”
“Huh. Anything written on the idol?”
“It says I can rub it to increase my chance of getting out of a sticky situation but there is a cost?”
“What’s the cost?”
“Each time I rub it, it makes me go a little mad.”
“Ok, well, don’t rub it unless absolutely necessary.”
“Will do.”
“Anything about the feather?”
“There’s a note that says it has a one-time use to help in a bad situation.”
“Interesting. Well, stay there for now. Zecora, go ahead and head north.”
“The room is empty save for a spear. The doors go north, east, and west from here.”
“Alright, hold onto the spear, it could come in handy. Wait there for now. I’m going to head south where I find the catacombs. There’s a dog in here. He has a note tied to his leg. It says he will follow me wherever I go and can pick up, carry, or drop any one item as ordered. He can also go up to six rooms away before returning to me. I’m gonna wait here while I try to figure out how to get out of the catacombs. From what I can tell, there’s only one door to the south. Fancypants, let’s have you head east.”
“It seems to be a strange elevator. There is only one button but it doesn’t say where it goes. Shal I press it?”
“Sure, why not?”
“It opened out to the abandoned room where Zecora is.”
“Odd, go ahead and go north from there.”
“It’s a dusty four-way hall, though the door to the west is boarded off.”
“That’s probably because that’s where the grand staircase is. Let’s send you east from there,”
“I’m outside now in what appears to be a graveyard. AH!”
“What?! What is it?”
“An enormous spider just landed on my shoulder and bit me.”
“Are you alright?”
“I think so but I better rest for a bit just to be sure. By the by, this graveyard is a dead end, no pun intended.
“Good to know. Qene, you good to go?”
“I think so.”
“Alright, head back north.”
“Right. I’m back in the collapsed room.”
“Head west from there.”
“I’m back outside in a garden. Wait! There seem to be footprints on the floor leading to… and they’re gone. All these weird things happening is starting to get to me.”
“You’ll be fine. Just wait there and regain your composure. Mim, head west.”
“Woah!”
“What happened?”
“There was a slide there. I think I’m in the basement. There was a boarded off door to the south though.”
“That’s where the collapsed room is. Describe the room you’re in now.”
“Well, there’s a staircase, a door in each direction, and a mirror.”
“Hmm, I think you might be in the basement landing. Knock on the door to the south.” I heard a knock on the door to the north. “Yep that’s where you are. Ok, head north from there.”
“It seems to be some sort of operating room. There a creepy puppet here and--woah!”
“What happened?”
“The puppet just jumped at me with a tiny spear but thanks to my quick reflexes, I was able to dodge it.”
“Well, nice dodge. Any doors from there?”
“Just one to the east.”
“Alright, wait there for a sec. Doctor, head back north to the upper landing and then north again from there.”
“I’m in a gallery now. There’s a pony here muttering incomprehensible things. He seems to want to follow me.”
“Well, wait there for now. And let the mad pony follow you, he could be a good shield, if necessary.”
“Very well, but he might just drive me crazy.”
“Zecora, go east into the elevator and press the button.”
“The elevator is mystic, no doubt. The upper landing is where I come out.”
“Alright, head west from there.”
“I enter a bedroom with a peaceful nature. A door to the west is it’s only feature.”
“Alright, wait there for now. I think I got these catacombs figured out. Wait, no, that’s a dead end. I’m gonna need some more time on this. Fancypants, head back inside to the west, and then north.”
“I’ve entered the library, there is one door to the west. There are two skeletons here. What appear to be a mother and child in a frightened embrace.”
“Any items on them?”
“None that I can find.”
“Alright, stay there for now. Qene, head west.”
“I’m in a weird room. It’s got a bunch of pews facing the other end where there appears to be some sort of altar. It’s very quiet here. Also, this is a dead end.”
“That was weird. My hearing suddenly turned off for a minute. At first I thought it was just a bad connection through the com link but I couldn’t even hear my own breath.”
“The same thing just happened to me,” said Mim.
“Huh, weird. Anyways, you said it was a dead end so go ahead and wait there for a bit. Mim, head east.”
“There’s a lake here.”
“A lake?”
“Yeah, it has very clear water so it should be fine to swim in to get to the only other door to the north.”
“Alright, go ahead and swim over there but don’t enter the door yet.”
“Hey guys, I found a mirror here in the library,” the Doctor said. “Its reflection is skewed in time though. I recognize this. This was that time when a random pony gave me a feather through a mirror. I know what I must do. I have to write ‘This will help’ on the mirror and hand the feather through. Now the mirror is back to normal. I never knew that pony in the mirror was me. Time really is a funny thing.”
“You of all people would know that. Doctor, while Mim is making her way across the lake, I’ll have you go north.”
“This appears to be a servant’s quarters. There’s a rosary here.”
“Go ahead and take the rosary and then wait there.”
“Well the rosary seems to have calmed the mad pony down a bit.”
“Well that’s good at least. Zecora head west.”
“I enter a store room and find a rabbit’s foot. No other doors lead out, so my exploration is caput.”
“Alright, wait there for now. I’m gonna try this way in these catacombs. Nope, another dead end. Alright Fancypants, I want you to search those skeletons again.”
“If you insist. Oh, wait. I’ve found a music box underneath them. I can get it out but doing so would destroy the skeletons.”
“Just do it.”
“Very well. I got it now and the skeletons have crumbled to dust.”
“Whatever. Any writing on the music box?”
“Indeed. It says that when open, it may leave you mesmerized and immobilized.”
“Huh, well for now just go west.”
“I’ve entered an organ room.”
“What kind of organ? The musical kind or the bodily kind?”
“The musical kind. There’s a door to the north but there appears to be some sort of closet with a door cracked open. Shall I investigate?”
“Go for it.” There was a hideous shriek over the com. “What the hell was that?”
“It came from the closet. There’s nothing in there, though.”
“Anybody rattled by the shriek?” Zecora, Doctor, and Qene all chimed in that it rattled them a bit but they were relatively fine. “Alright, Fancypants, stay there. Qene, I’m gonna have you come down to the basement via the slide. You’ll need to go three rooms east to the patio, then north one to the game room, then west to the slide.”
I gave him some time to do all that. “Ok, I’m in the basement landing. Now what?”
“Head west.”
“This room is full of junk, nothing of use though. There is a mask of some interest though.”
“Go ahead and take the mask and then wait there. Mim, have you made it to the door yet?”
“Yep.”
“Alright head through it.”
“I’m in a crypt. There are two boys here and--oh my gosh! One of the boys is beating the other with a toy top. Woah! They just faded into nothing.”
“Well, that’s creepy. Are the any doors in there?”
“Just the one I came through.”
“Ok, go ahead and stay there while you regain composure. Doctor, let’s have you go east.”
“There’s a balcony here with a crystal ball and a door to the east.”
“Take the crystal ball then wait there. Zecora, head back to the mystic elevator and press the button.”
Some time later she said, “The elevator drops with a clunk and I come out in the room of junk.”
“Alright, wait there for a sec. I think I finally have these catacombs figured out. Yes, I’ve found the exit. I’m in a staircase which leads to the foyer. I’ll now head east to the abandoned room then east again where I find a bloody room. Lovely. There’s an amulet here that says it makes the wearer stronger, smarter, wiser, and faster. I’m putting the amulet on. Fancypants, head north.”
“I’ve entered the kitchen. There is a cracked skull here with missing teeth.”
“That’s creepy. What species is it?”
“I’m not sure. It’s definitely not equine though.”
“Alright, I’m gonna ask you to take it when you when you leave there but not yet. Qene, let’s have you go west.”
“I’ve entered some sort of pantry. There is a door to the west. The food is no good but there’s a pair of flattish hand-shaped objects.”
“Sounds like gloves. Go ahead and take them and then wait there. Mim, I want you to go back to the basement landing and then head east.”
“I thought that’s where the elevator was.”
“It was, but I think the elevator has magical properties that allow it to moved to any number of places in the house. Thusly, since it is now north of the junk room, the room east of the basement landing is now open.”
“Whatever. I just got here and it’s a room with a giant star shape on the floor. In the middle of the room there’s a medallion. It’s also a dead end.”
“Take the medallion then stay there. Doctor, head east.”
“I’ve entered the crumbly top floor of a tower. There are three ponies that were hanged here. As I watch them, they seem to be crumbling to dust right before my eyes.”
“Creepy. Go ahead and wait there. Zecora head south.”
“I see before me a rickety bridge to a door, below me a chasm with depths ever more.”
“Try to cross the bridge.”
“I cross the chasm with a lurch and enter a room of research. A burning man runs through this room with a great big fiery plume. His skin boils and cracks and falls away, leaving a fiery skull that rolls away.”
“That sounds frightening, are you alright?”
“I feel a bit warm but otherwise fine. I could use some time to settle my mind. A door to the south is all that there be, to leave this room and go onward with me.”
“Alright stay there for now while you calm down. It seems like all the doors in this bloody room are boarded off save for the one I entered through so I’m gonna head to the collapsed room and see what’s below it.” I went across the house with my dog friend to the collapsed room and fell down, causing myself a bit of pain in doing so. “ Well, that hurt. Anyways, I’m now in a room with a furnace. There’s a door to the north, south, and west. I’m gonna knock on each door to see if this room connects to anywhere that someone else is in.” I knocked on each door.
“A knock from the southern door I hear. You are south of me it would appear,” Zecora said.
“Cool, I’ll put that in the map and--OW! Something just bit me!”
“What was it?” the Doctor asked.
“I don’t know but I’m gonna take a minute to wrap it up. In the meantime, Fancypants, you mentioned a door to the west?”
“Yes but upon testing it, there is only a brick wall behind it.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll send you back to the abandoned room to wait for a bit. South one, east, one, south two. Qene, head west.”
“I’m in a room with what appears to be wine.”
“Ooh, can you carry it?”
“Unfortunately, no. It is stored in huge barrels that even I could not carry. There are however some strange looking dice.”
“Huh. Give them a roll, see if anything happens.”
“I rolled the dice and now a phone is ringing. Should I answer it?”
“Sure.”
“There’s a voice that says ‘I’m always here for you Pattycakes. Watching…’”
“Well that’s a little creepy. How do you feel?”
“Oddly smarter.”
“Ok. Well, stay there for now. Mim, I’m gonna have you try your luck in the mystic elevator. West two, north one.”
“I’m back in the ballroom.”
“Alright, stay there for now. Doctor, head east.”
“I’m in some sort of attic space and--woah!”
“What’s wrong, what happened?”
“I was feeling the southern wall when it suddenly spun around. Now I’m in a gymnasium of sorts. There’s a small filly here. She doesn’t seem able or willing to talk though. There’s also a door to the south and a door to the west.”
“Alright stay there and try to comfort her for now. I want everyone else now to check all doors that are unexplored. Qene, you have one to the west.”
“It’s a brick wall.”
“And I have a brick wall south and a brick wall west. Zecora, I want you to see if you can get to the ballroom. Go north back over the chasm, north again to the junk room and east from there. Take the stairs there and that should take you to the ballroom.” After some time she reported to being there. “Alright wait there for a bit, I’m gonna follow close behind you now except I’m gonna go into the creaky hallway south of you.” I did so. “Fancypants, let’s have you go west to the foyer then upstairs and east.”
Some time passed. “I’ve found what appears to be the master bedroom. There’s a book with a on the bed. It seems to be a journal belonging to the owner of the house telling of a great fortune to whoever is smart enough to find it in the house. There’s also a list of clues to look for.”
“Alright, now we have an objective. So here’s the rules: I get the treasure because this is my mission but we’re all going to work together to find the clues. Any complainers will be punished. Got it?” They all gave affirmative answers. “Good. Qene, search the wine cellar for a clue now.”
“I don’t see anything.”
“Try again, there’s always something in the wine cellar.”
“Oh, wait. I found a note that says to check the dining room.”
“Alright, now go east two to the junk room and check there.”
After some time for travel, he said “There’s a message inscribed on the desk that says a clue might be outside the house or perhaps out a window.”
“Ok, stay there for now. Mim, head to the dining room. South one, east two, south another. And try searching for the clue in there.”
Some travel time later she said “I don’t see anything out of the ordinary.”
“Well, keep looking. Doctor, how’s the filly?”
“She seems to have calmed down but she still won’t talk. She seems willing to follow me though.”
“Ok, good. Check there in the gym for a clue.”
“There’s a message carved into the underside of one of the exercise equipment saying to check the chasm.”
“Alright, see if you can get back out of that room using the revolving wall.”
“I found the switch.”
“Ok, head into the tower and check there.”
“Woah!”
“What happened?!”
“I pressed on a suspicious-looking stone and the ceiling began to fall. Luckily, this mad pony is apparently very strong and was able to catch the ceiling before it crushed us.”
“That was lucky. Why don’t you head west to the balcony, out of trouble and wait there for a bit. Zecora, go down the stairs and east to the pentagram room and search there.”
“I have found a stone with many dapples saying we should check the crypt or chapel.”
“Ok, head back out to the basement landing and wait there for a sec. I’m gonna see if I can get to the chapel from here. I’ll head west one, south one, and west again, see if I can cross the collapsed room into the garden to the west and the chapel is on the other side of the garden.” I started my way there, but I misjudged the jump over the collapsed floor and fell back into the furnace room. “Ow, goddammit! I fell into the furnace room. Well, I might as well check for clues here. Ow, mother fucker! Something just shot a dart at me which appears to be dripping with some sort of poison.”
“That sounds pretty serious,” the Doctor said. “Should we leave and get you some medical attention?
“No, no, I’ll be fine, let’s just find the treasure quickly and then we can worry about my health. Fancypants, see if there are any clues in the master bedroom.”
“I found some science equipment with a note that says to check one of the laboratories.”
“Great, now go check the vault and see if there’s anything there.”
“There’s an inscription on the inside of the vault door saying to look in the basement.”
“Of course. Every good treasure hunt has stuff hidden in the basement. Fancypants, wait there for a minute. Qene, head south across the chasm and be on the lookout for any clues there. Then, check the research lab.”
“There’s nothing in view in the chasm. I did, however, find a strange puzzle box in the research lab. I don’t think I could solve it though.”
“Alright, leave the box and wait there for now. Mim, have you found anything in the dining room yet?”
“There’s a message on the underside of a plate that says to check the furnace room.”
“I already did that and got shot by a poison dart. Head north two and east one to the graveyard and see if there’s anything there.”
“Nothing at first glance but I’ll keep looking.”
“Sounds good. Doctor, head west to the servant’s quarters and check for clues.”
“I found a floor plan of the house with an X marked in every room.”
“Well, that’s not very helpful. Try the gallery south of you.”
“There’s a water stained map pointing towards either the conservatory or the underground lake.”
“Ok, great. Wait there for a bit. Zecora, head north, then east, then north again to check the operating lab, the lake, and the crypt.
“In the lab and the lake, I find nothing of measure. In the crypt, however, I have found the treasure!”
“Sweet! What is it, is it money?”
“I know not what it be for it seems to need a key.”
“Alright, everybody make your way to the entrance hall and we’ll regroup there.” Once we all reached the entrance hall, Zecora being the last because she had the farthest to travel and she was carrying the treasure, We all examined the chest that the treasure was kept in. “It seems to be locked with a hand print. Too bad I don’t have hands...well, I guess I’ll just take it home until I do have hands again and try to open it then. For now though, we need to figure out how to get out of here.”
“The door is actually unlocked now,” Qene said.
“Oh, well that’s convenient.”
“There’s also a note that says that once we leave, all damage taken will be restored including poison, all items save for the treasure must remain, and once everyone has exitted, the floor plan will be shuffled.”
“Alright, everyone drop your items then. Let’s take the treasure and get out of here.”
“What about the filly and mad pony?” the Doctor asked.
“There’s nothing in the note that says they can’t come along,” Qene said.
“”Bring ‘em with us,” I said.
And with that, the now eight of us left the house. I was a little intrigued by the fact that the floor plan would reset each time so I thought I might go back someday. But that’s an adventure for another day. Qene’s voice charm wore off pretty soon after we left the house. The mad pony was escorted by the Doctor to the crazy house while the rest of us brought the treasure to the library. The whole way there, I kept trying to get the little filly to talk to me. Though she seemed rather comfortable around me, she still wouldn’t say anything. She seemed more comfortable with me than with any of the others, in fact, which is probably why they all decided to leave her in my custody. She was a unicorn filly with a bright red coat and fiery yellow-and-orange hair. After ensuring that the treasure made it to the library safely, Fancypants and Zecora went home. Zecora said she would take the dog to the local animal shelter known as Fluttershy.
“Twilight, I’m home,” I yelled when I entered the door. “And I think I have a daughter now.” There was no response. “Hmm.” I turned to the filly. “Do you think you can take the treasure to my room? Qene will show you where it is.” She nodded and took the treasure with her magic off to my room. “Twilight? You said you were coming home after the ceremony right?” I wandered around the library looking for her. I checked her study where I found a scroll with my name on it. Upon reading it, I learned that she and the others had been asked to perform a play for Hearth’s Warming Eve in Canterlot so they all decided to stay there for the week. She also said not to forget about my armor which I was supposed to pick up the next morning. Whatever. I’ll take care of that tomorrow. I’ve had a long day and I’m ready for bed. I suppose I should make sleeping arrangements for the filly. Eh, she can sleep in Twilight’s bed. I’m sure she won’t mind.
I went to my room to find the filly, Qene, and Mim. “Qene, Mim, go to bed. We have to go back to Canterlot tomorrow so you’ll need some sleep. Filly, I don’t feel right calling you that. You need a name. How about Flare?” She shook her head. “Ember?” Another shake. “Scorch?” Shake. “Pyre?” Shake. “You know, this would be a lot easier if you would just tell me your name.”
“Flagra,” she said.
“There, now was that so hard. Flagra, You’ll be sleeping in Twilight’s bed.” She shook her head again. “You no, if you keep shaking you head like that, your brain is gonna start rattling around.” She gave me a look that said she wasn’t taking any of my bullshit. “Alright, so that may not be true, but it is getting annoying. So, if you’re not gonna sleep in Twilight’s bed then where?” She climbed up onto my bed, did a little circle, and plopped down. “Then where am I supposed to sleep?” She just patted the bed next to her. “Fine.” I climbed into bed next to her. “But nothing weird, ok?” She gave me a look as if to say ‘Weird how?’ “Nevermind, just go to sleep.” She nodded and put her head down. I magicked the light out and we slept.
Chapter 33--You Know Where
Chapter 33--You Know Where
The next morning, I took Flagra, Qene, and Pyra to the train station to go back to Canterlot yet again. Normally, I would have just flown there on Qene, but since I’m a pony now, and since I now have an extra parasite attached to me, that’s become rather difficult. Luckily, Celestia had sent an express train to pick us up and get us there in only 2 hours, as opposed to the 12 hours it would have taken on a regular train. I still had to buy the tickets, however, but I was told I would be reimbursed when I got there. Thus, the following conversation occurred at the ticket counter.
“Two adults, one foal, and one manticore for the express train to Canterlot,” I said to the pony behind the counter, a unicorn stallion of average build, brown coat and black hair. I couldn’t see his cutie mark from the counter, not that I really cared.
“I’m sorry sir, but we can’t allow foals to travel without a release from a parent or legal guardian,” the guy said.
“Well, I’ve pretty much become her legal guardian as of yesterday.”
“I’ll need to see some guardianship papers.”
“Alright, fine. You got a quill, ink and some parchment? I need to write a letter.” He handed--hoofed?--me the stuff and I began writing. Dear Sunbutt, The stupid train guy won’t let me get a ticket for Flagra because I don’t have any guardianship papers for her. Fix it. Your favorite human-turned-alicorn, Síor. I magicked the letter to Celestia and waited for a response. A few minutes later, it came and read: Dear Síor, What have I told you about calling me that? You are a knight in my this kingdom now and you will show its monarch diarchs the respect they deserve. In any case, I have attached a royal pardon for your daughter to travel. Show it to the pony at the ticket office and he should allow you to purchase a ticket. Yours, Princess Celestia. I looked at the pardon: I Princess Celestia of Equestria, allows the travel of Síor’s daughter to Canterlot despite the lack of proper guardianship papers and will ensure that he acquire the proper papers during his visit here. Signed, Princess Celestia.
I showed the pardon to the guy and he gave me the tickets in exchange for money and we went on our merry way. While we waited for the train to arrive, in about 5 minutes, I wrote back to Celestia. To her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria, I would kindly ask that you refrain from referring to Flagra as my daughter though she may have become such as of late. I ask that you merely refer to her by her name, Flagra. Furthermore, I would like to thank you for allowing us travel to Canterlot. I look forward to seeing your lovely face. Truly yours, Sir Síor of The Equestrian Umbral Knights. I sent the letter just as the train was pulling into the station.
We got on the train, ~~handing~~ hoofing our tickets to the ticket checker who punched a hole in them and hoofed them back. We took our seats and the train started moving right when I received another letter from my second favorite princess. Síor, Please cease with the mocking tone. Flagra is to be referred to as your daughter because that is what she is, or will be once you fill out the forms. I shall see you upon your arrival to Canterlot as I have a task for you to fulfill while you are here. Please do not write back as I am busy making preparations for the Hearth’s Warming Eve Pageant. I will talk more with you when you arrive. Until then, Celestia. I always know I got to her when she stops using formalities.
And so began a long and quiet two-hour train ride. It would have been a little more interesting if Pyra and Qene hadn’t gone off to fuck somewhere and if Flagra would actually talk, but so far the only word she’s ever said to me is her name. She has seemed rather fascinated by a number of things that most ponies would see as normal, everyday things. I can only guess that’s a side effect of being left alone in the House for so long. In any case, whenever she would look at something with wonder, I would have to explain, to the best of my knowledge, how it worked. Most of the time, I just answered with “Magic,” but that didn’t always suffice so I would have to go into detail about the inner workings of whatever it was that she wanted to know. I swear it’s like this girl had missed the last thousand years of technological/magical advancement.
So, after a long and boring train ride, we finally arrived in my least favorite city to be once again tortured by the snootiness of upper-class society. Qene and Pyra went to the castle where Celestia had rooms waiting for us. I went immediately to the Royal Armory to get my armor from Lisbeth with Flagra in tow.
“Hey, Síor,” she said when I entered the shop. “Who’s the filly?”
“Hey, Lisbeth,” I replied. “This is Flagra.”
“I see. Nice to meet you, Flagra.”
Flagra just looked at her in a way that said “Don’t talk to me.”
“She doesn’t talk much.”
“No, not really. In fact, the only thing she’s said is her name. She seems to understand perfectly but she’s just not very responsive.”
Flagra then gave me a look which said “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have to talk about you like your not here if you would talk for yourself,” I told her. She just scowled at me. “Anyways, I’m here to pick up my armor.”
“Of course. I have it in the back.”
We followed her to the back where my armor awaited. Flagra looked at me with a questioning look which I assumed was directed towards the armor. “Oh yeah, by the way, I’m a knight,” I told her. She nodded in acceptance.
“Princess Celestia said that you are to wear the armor at all times while in Canterlot unless otherwise instructed.”
“I can already tell, I’m going to hate this.” I put the armor on and stepped outside to see Celestia waiting for me. “Hey, Sunbutt. What do you want with me?”
“Well, unfortunately, our lead narrator for the pageant has fallen ill, and I was hoping you would be able to step in for him.”
“I don’t have a choice, do I?”
“Not really.”
“Fine, when is the pageant, and where’s the script?”
“I have the script here with me and the pageant is this Friday at 7 in the evening at the Canterlot Concert House at the east end of Canterlot. I’m sure you’re familiar with the place.”
“Am I allowed to make changes to the script?”
“Consult with me before you do so.”
“Fine.” And so I was roped into this stupid pageant. After reading over the script a little, though, I knew it was going to be very different from any previous pageants.
Chapter 35--An Odd Turn of Events
Chapter 35--An Odd Turn of Events
Suffice it to say, Celestia wasn’t too happy with my last-minute changes to the script. However, I was able to get back on her good side by agreeing with a rather unusual arrangement. But first, a summation of events since then. Since Hearth’s Warming Eve is essentially the pony equivalent of Christmas, there wasn’t really much need to celebrate Christmas. I decided that depending on how things go, I might teach them about Christmas next year but a lot can happen between now and then.
A week later, I celebrated the new year with the Doctor because nobody else recognized it as the new year (and even he kept going on about how time was relative about which I probably would have gone into a deep conversation with him if I hadn’t been drunk. After that, life continued as normal for about two months.
Then came Valentine’s Day, or, as the ponies call it, Hearts and Hooves Day. I had a date planned with Fluttershy because we were still technically in a relationship, at least by name, though I had planned to end it with this date. Luckily for me, this was right in line with part one of Celestia’s plan for me.
I took Fluttershy to a nice restaurant in Canterlot named Pino’s where they had some pretty good Italian food. I got her some flowers for the occasion (Mareuvian Lilies, her favorite). We ordered our food (vegetarian lasagna for myself and fettuccine alfredo for her). We talked about whatever. We went to a play (a ponified rendition of Hamlet). And afterward I took her home via flying having learned to do so from her and Rainbow Dash recently.
We stood on her doorstep somewhat awkwardly for a few minutes before she finally broke the silence. “I had fun tonight,” she said. “But you seemed a little distracted.”
“Well, that’s because I was thinking of the best way to do this,” I replied. “There’s really no easy way to go about this so I’m just gonna spare us the time by saying I think we should break up.”
“I see. I had a feeling this would come sooner or later, seeing as we haven’t done much romantically.”
“It’s not that I don’t like you, I’ve even grown to love you just not in a romantic way. And aside from that, I get the sense that being around me may not be the safest place in times to come. I’m a knight now so there’s no telling when I might be sent away on some dangerous mission. Not only that, but Celestia has asked me to break up with you for both our sakes.”
It was at this point that tears started to well up in her eyes. “What you say makes perfect sense, but I still can’t keep from crying. Promise we’ll still be friends.”
I gave her a horse-kiss on the forehead and said, “I promise. And i assure you that this will change very little between us. I’ll still come over for tea, if you’ll have me”
She smiled through the tears. “Of course, you’re welcome anytime.”
“Good. Now wipe those tears, I wouldn’t want Angel coming after me for making you cry.”
She chuckled and wiped her tears away with her hoof. “So, I’ll see you tuesday for tea?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
With phase one complete, it was time for phase two. I had told Celestia about my findings in the mysterious house in Everfree and after doing a bit of magic to rid it of all the evilness, we decided to make it my home. We weren’t able to change the shuffling of the rooms but we were able to slow it down to once a day at midnight rather than every time someone entered. We also made it so the House generate a map which displayed in every room (and Celestia’s room ate the castle so she could easily find me if I was needed) at the beginning of each day. The final change was making it so that more than six people could be in the house at once. That, and restoring all the furniture and decor. It was pretty nice. I spent the majority of the next few weeks deforesting the area for firewood and also so I could have a nice yard. Thus ended phase two.
Phase three was the fun part. One night, the spring equinox, in fact, at a quarter after one, I was visited by three spirits. Actually just one spirit, and it wasn’t a spirit, it was Celestia. She came in through my window (presumably after acquiring the daily map), climbed into bed with me and said quite simply, “Fuck me.”
I, being rather bemused, could only get out a “Huh?”
“As per our agreement, I replaced the memories of the populace with the pageant I wanted them to see because I don’t want everypony to know the true history of 1000 years ago. You part of our agreement was to a) break up with Fluttershy, which you were already going to do; b) get a house away from Twilight, which you needed to do anyways; and c) make love to me.”
“You had me up until c. I don’t recall agreeing to that.”
“As you know, the Mareidian Party is only two short months away. I had originally wanted you to come as a show of my acceptance of other races. However, as you are now an alicorn, that won’t work so well. I still want you to come to the party, but I needed a reason to bring you. As you may or may not know, the only people allowed at these parties are the leaders of the various nations and/or their delegates and their consorts. As you also may or may not know, by becoming a knight you are disallowed from being a delegate; you are not, however, disallowed from being a consort. Therefore, the only remaining option--”
“Is if I was your consort.”
“Precisely. It also makes it easier to explain your alicornness.”
“Can’t I fuck Luna instead?”
“I suppose that is also an option but I wanted you for myself.”
“Ok. Why do I have to fuck anyone anyways?”
“Well, if you’re going to be a consort, you should know how to play the part.”
“So, in other words, if I’m gonna pretend to be your sex slave, you want me to actually be your sex slave.”
“That’s a rather harsh way of putting it, but that’s essentially the idea.”
“You’re not gonna give me a choice are you?”
“No.”
“Then let’s fucking fuck.”
One fuck later...
“Wow,” I said. “Where did you learn that?”
“When one is alone for 1000 years, one has time to... experiment in such things.”
“I suppose so, though I am curious who you were experimenting with. But I won’t dwell on that right now. What I would like to know has to do with this consort business. Firstly, will I have to live with you?”
“No. But you will have to accompany me to any and all public events where I am required to make an appearance.”
“Ok, will I be required to impregnate you in order to provide an heir.”
“Well, technically speaking, not necessarily. There is more than one way to provide an heir. The first, and most obvious, is the previous monarch having a child. The second, is via adoption. The third is by marrying someone with a child. And the fourth is alicornication, wherein a distant relative of the remaining alicorns reaches their full potential and becomes an alicorn. The two you need to know about, though, are the second and third. Since you already have an adopted child, if I were to marry you, she would become my heir.”
“Hold up. Few red flags here. First of all, alicornication? Since when was that a thing? Second, I don’t think I’m ready to get married at all, let alone to you, no offense. And third, I don’t think Flagra is gonna be too happy about being an heir. She’s not exactly a people person, being a ruler probably won’t be the best for her.”
“Well, alicornication is only a theory. According to Starswirl, if a relative of any surviving alicorn reaches their highest potential as a pony, he or she will ascend to an alicorn.”
“What about Trixie? She tried using a spell to become an alicorn.”
“And that might have worked if she were a relative of the alicorns. That’s why it backfired like it did.”
“So, why did I become an alicorn then?”
“I’m not sure. According to the theory, it would mean that you’re a distant relative of the alicorns but that doesn’t make sense.”
“Hmm, well anyways. Would you care to address my other issues with this?”
“Right. Well, about the marriage. I already had a plan for that. See, we don’t actually have to get married, everyone just has to think that we’re married. We’ll have a ceremony but it won’t be legally recognized. You’ll be allowed to see other people as long as you’re discreet about it.”
“And Flagra?”
“Flagra won’t need to be a people person. She can govern through her advisors. It’s actually how I got y for a while after the events of 1000 years ago.”
“Ok, I suppose that would work. But she wouldn’t actually be ruling until you die, right?”
“Not necessarily. There may come a time when Luna and I are needed elsewhere and she would become the acting ruler.”
“What about your niece?”
“Cadance is busy up north. There are signs that an old foe may be returning and she needs to be there as a defense in case he does.”
“Fine. I suppose you won’t let me out of this so I’m not gonna bother arguing anymore.”
“Good. Then we will schedule the wedding for the same time as Cadance’s. It’ll be easier that way.”
“Whatever. Get out so I can go to bed.”
“Very well. We shall discuss this more as the date draws nearer. Until then, farewell, and good night.”
Chapter 36--The Mareidian Party, Part 1
Chapter 36--The Mareidian Party, Part 1
The next two months went by with little to no importance. I later heard that something called the Winter Wrap-up had occurred the day before the spring equinox because Celestia has to maintain her control by making the population think that the seasons don’t change naturally. Anyways, that happened and I also discovered an attic in my house after some rooms started disappearing and some new rooms started appearing that was later added to the once-a-day shuffling and also added to the maps. We still hadn’t found a cure for my ponyness (the story of which I had explained to Flagra when we visited the Unicorn Tower) so I had learned more about using magic and I had even learned some fighting moves. Flagra even joined me for a couple lessons though I wouldn’t let her take part in the fighting. Eventually, the day came for us to go to Mareidian for the grand party of the world or whatever. Flagra and I met Celestia and Luna in Canterlot where Celestia explained the rest of the plan.
“We will be taking a train up north to pick up Cadance and Shining Armor after which we shall continue onto Mareidian,” she explained. “As you can see, the Doctor, an old friend of mine, will be coming along with us as a delegate.”
“Oh, did I forget to mention that Síor and I have already met?” the Doctor inquired.
“Well, then there should be no problem with you two getting along. This will be a 4-day long train ride so I hope you all brought ways to entertain yourselves.”
“Well I’m still lacking hands,” I complained, “so I won’t be able to jack off but I’m sure I can find some way of ‘entertaining’ myself.” I used the pony equivalent of air-quotes around entertaining which is basically like knocking on the air twice with both hooves as I’ve seen others do.
“Um, Síor,” the Doctor said. “Should you really be talking about that in front of your daughter?”
I looked down at Flagra. She rolled her eyes and shrugged. “She doesn’t mind,” I said. “She’s used to it by now with how I speak at home.”
“Well, in that case, I can show you later how to do it with magic.”
“That won’t be necessary,” Celestia said, getting the conversation back on track. “As Síor is my consort, he may simply…’sleep with’ me if he needs to ‘relieve some stress.’” She also used the pony air-quotes which, the more I think about it, the more they seem really stupid. Like, why don’t we with magic just draw literal air-quotes with magic in the air? Anyways, back to the conversation. “And this brings me to a token of good news for you, Síor. We’ve found a way to return you to your old form.”
“Wait, seriously?” I asked, incredulously. “That would explain why you told me not to wear my armor.”
“It’s only temporary but a recent scouting party has discovered an object that is said to revert whatever comes into contact with it to its original form. The effect lasts up to one week before it has to charge for an equivalent time.”
“Sweet! How does it work?”
“As I said, you merely have to remain in contact with the object for the desired extent of the effect. And it doesn’t work through clothing, it has to be direct contact.”
“Well, where is this object?”
“Right here.” She opened a box in the nearby stack of luggage and pulled out what I can best describe as a big black dildo. It was about 6 ½ inches long, about 4 ¾ inches around, jet black in color and very obviously and purposefully shaped like a penis.
“You’re either completely oblivious to what that looks like or you’re just trying to use this as an excuse to get me to play with a dildo.” Meanwhile, the Doctor seemed rather amused by this whole situation.
“What’s a dildo?”
Surprisingly, Flagra was the one to answer this. “It’s a toy penis.”
“Oh. Well, then.”
Celestia was obviously flustered by this blunt truth and that it came from a young filly. Lucky for her, the Doctor stepped up to ease the tension. “Ah, so you can speak outside of pageants.”
Flagra nodded.
“But only when she wants to,” I said. “Not counting that pageant, that makes five spoken words. Happy fifth word Flagra!” She just rolled her eyes.
“Anyways,” Celestia said, once again reining in (no pun intended) the conversation. “You have to be in full contact with the item during transformation or else bad things could happen.”
“What kind of bad things?”
“I’m unsure but it is a magical artifact so there’s really no telling what could happen if it is used improperly.”
“Fair point. So I shall assume that full contact implies that aI have to touch all of it. Right?”
“That seems to make sense.”
“Well, the easiest way to do so would be to deepthroat it or shove it up my ass.”
“Ah. Well, um, which would you prefer?”
“Well, I was never any good at deepthroating so, I guess, fuck it. Or should I say fuck me. Gimme that.” I grabbed the dildo with my magic and gingerly slid it up my butt. Once it was all the way in, I waited for a second and nothing happened. “What gives?”
“I believe you have to turn it on. There should be a switch at the base of the...um...shaft.”
I magicked the switch on and it started to vibrate. “Seriously? It’s a fucking vibrating dildo?” No sooner had I said that than a green cloud of smoke came out of my ass and surrounded me. I was lifted into the air momentarily as the magic transformed me back into a human.
As I was placed gently back on the ground, Celestia said, “Now remember, you have to remain in contact with the...dildo at all times. It will remain active for exactly seven days after which point, the vibrations will stop and you will transform back into your pony form. If you wish to end the transformation early, just flip the switch and you will be turned back. It is important that you do not remove the...dildo from your...anus before flipping the switch and completing the transformation or the aforementioned bad things may occur.”
“So I gotta keep this vibrating dildo in my ass all week if I want to maintain my human form?”
“That is correct.”
“Well, if I get to be human again, even if it’s just for a week, I’m gonna need my clothes.” I focused for a few seconds trying to teleport my clothes to the train station before I realised that I didn’t have magic anymore. “Right, no magic. That’s gonna take some getting used to.”
“I’ll have Twilight send your clothes to Mareidian. I’ll only give her the map for today so you needn’t worry about her barging in after today. In the meantime, you can wear your armor.”
“But my armor was fitted for my pony form.”
“Ah, didn’t I mention? When you gave Lisbeth your chosen sigil, the armor was imbued with magical properties that allow it to always fit its owner.”
“So, no matter what form I’m in, I’ll always be able to where my armor?”
“Correct.”
“Well, that’s convenient, I guess. But I don’t really want to where hard metal armor over my soft fleshy body without some clothes in between,”
“Well, I’m afraid you’ll just have to deal with it. Now then, the train is about to leave.” She magicked my armor onto me so I didn’t have to fiddle around with it for an hour while I tried to figure out how it all went together.
“Thank. And yeah, we’ve been standing here chatting for a while, what time does the train leave anyways?”
“The train leaves when we’re all on board. One of the many perks of being royalty.”
“Yeah, but doesn’t that inconvenience the other passengers on the train if they all have to wait for you and your party?”
“There are no other passengers. It is a private train specifically for the five of us, well, seven once we pick up Cadance and Shining Armor.”
“Huh, well, all aboard then.”
The train ride was boring as fuck. I mostly entertained myself by wittling, writing in my journal, and doing fuck all. I also had to be a father or whatever and make sure Flagra didn’t die. Luckily, she’s pretty good at taking care of herself so I didn’t really have to do much in that regard. Anyways, long story short, I had finished carving statuettes of everyone there including Cadance and Shining Armor (who, apparently, was Twilight’s brother) once we picked them up, and we finally arrived in Mareidian as a full party of seven on May 20. Since Equestria was hosting, we had to arrive a day earlier than the rest of the guests leaving us with one more day to try to entertain ourselves and set up the convention center. This actually gave me time to figure out my armor so I didn’t have to get help all the time. That and put some regular clothes on underneath the armor. Then, finally, the next day came and the other guests started to arrive.
The first to arrive was Chief Thunderhooves of the buffaloes as well as Little Strongheart. I had to stay by Celestia and Luna’s side in full armor (did I mention that I had to be all knightly and such during this trip?) greeting the guests so I couldn’t go and talk to them while they were arriving, I had to wait for the festivities to start. I was a bit confused to see them here as they didn’t exactly rule a nation, though Chief Thunderhooves was a leader at least so perhaps that was enough. I made a mental note to ask Celestia about that later. Next was Chrysalis and Ludo. The sight of them reminded me that I still needed to talk to Celestia about that alliance. Another thing to add to my mental to do list. The next two guests were simply introduced as Naga Leader and Naga Delegate. I had forgotten until then that Naga don’t typically share their names with outsiders. After all, the only naga I had met was trying to kidnap me. After them, was the leader of the dogs Padrino Tito Borfleone and his right-paw dog Duke. Then came the newly elected President Gilda and her assistant Godric. After that, we met all the dragons that had come, which explained why the doors were as huge as they were (and the rooms for that matter). This included the Dragon Lord Torch and his daughter Ember (who was actually almost as small as Spike) as well as Aithusa (or Fafnir as he calls his disguise), Draigoch, and a dragon that I hadn’t met yet who was introduced as Herensuge. Next came Sagittarius, the centaur leader of Greece, and his delegate Tauros, a minotaur. And finally, Aries, the ram leader of Israel and his delegate Bo Peep the sheep. Once everyone had arrived, Celestia said some words and the party commenced.
The party was actually quite similar to the Grand Galloping Gala aside from it being many different species rather than just ponies. There was a food table including a large variety of dishes to appease all the guests including meat (which I was more than happy to indulge in now that my body could digest it again) and even some bottled emotions for the changelings. There was even some dancing to the music that I wasn’t aware was happening until then. I seeked out the source of the music to find Octavia as well as a few other classical instrumentalists playing for us. She saw me and gave me a nod of acknowledgement while she played. I decided to talk to Celestia about my to do list before joining the party.
“Hey Sunbutt,” I said as I walked over to her.
“Síor, could you please show me a little respect while we’re in front of the other leaders.”
“But I’m your consort, doesn’t that make us equals?”
“Not quite. And even so, you shouldn’t use such a derogatory name.”
“It’s not derogatory, it’s a pet name. Would you prefer that I call you ‘Celestia Feather of the House Alicorn, First of Her Name, the Uncorrupted, Princess of Equines, Bovines, and Other Kinds, Princess of Equestria, Ruler of the Great Lakes, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regnant of the Equestrian Kingdom, Breaker of Fear, and Mother of Ponies?’”
“Feather? Where’d you get that surname?”
“You were married to White Feather, weren’t you? I read about it in Clover’s journal.”
“I suppose that is true. But no, just call me Celestia. I won’t even make you call me princess.”
“Whatever. I was wondering why Chief Thunderhooves is here since he isn’t technically the leader of a nation.”
“That is true, however, he is the leader of an important group within our borders so I have deemed him worthy to attend as a leader. Besides, he is an important member of the United Nations.”
“United Nations? So everyone here is basically in part responsible for the fate of the world?”
“I suppose you could say that.”
“And in this United Nations, I imagine it would be frowned upon to have wars with each other.”
“Are wars ever smiled upon?”
“Good point but here’s mine: Chrysalis has threatened a war if you don’t give her some food ponies.”
“When did you talk to Chrysalis?”
“Back in August while the others were delivering a tree or something.”
“Well, I’ve told Chrysalis that if she wants food ponies, she would have to provide some chrysalis for building.”
“But the changelings can’t make chrysalis unless they are properly nourished.”
“Well, I’m not just going to give my ponies away to be fed upon.”
“What about ponies that are in jail? Why not just juice them up with love poison and send them over?”
“I suppose that could work. Very well, I shall consider this. You can tell your new friend of my decision.”
I went and told Chrysalis the news after explaining how my life had gone leading me to forget until now to talk to Celestia about all this. She was happy about the news but confused about the ponyness and the transformation dildo and agreed to call off the attack. Then I went over to Gilda to say “Hi.”
“Síor?”
“In the flesh.”
“How have you been?”
“Well, since we last met, some psycho-chick tried to become an alicorn but it backfired and I got caught in the crossfire turning me into a pony. I got a new house. I became a dad. And Celestia found a transformation dildo that allows me to be human for a week.”
“So, you’re actually a pony right now, even though you look human?”
“I guess so.”
“And what’s this about becoming a dad?”
“Well, I found a little filly in my house the first time I went through it so I reluctantly adopted her after no one else would claim her. Apparently there are no orphanages in Equestria.”
“And the transformation dildo?”
“That’s what I’ve been calling it, at least. It’s some magical item that can revert something back to its original form for up to a week. Unfortunately, it also happens to be a vibrating dildo and I have to keep in contact with it in order to maintain the transformation.”
“So, if you’re always in contact with it, where is it?”
“In my butt.”
“Wait, really.”
“Yep. And I have to keep it turned on in order for it to work.”
“So you’re saying that you have a vibrating dildo in your butt at this very moment.”
“Yep.”
“And it’s been in there for how long?”
“This is day 6.”
“Geez! How have you not passed out from excessive orgasms?”
“Actually, I learned to control myself on day 3 when I had nothing better to do but jerk off thus desensitizing myself to the sensation.”
“You really do lead an interesting life don’t you?”
“I suppose so. So what about you? President? When did that happen?”
“Actually only about a month ago. I was so well liked as the mayor that the citizens decided to overthrow the old government and elect me as their new president.”
“Why is it that I’m always the last to hear about these things?”
“Because you never read a newspaper.”
“Fair enough. Well, I’m gonna go seek out other people I know.”
“Whatever.”
I went to go find Little Strongheart and Chief Thunderhooves. They were over by the food table eating some hay and oats. “Hey LS, CT. How’s it going?”
“Síor?” Chief Thunderhooves questioned.
“The one and only.”
“So you are a knight now?”
“Yeah, that’s one of many new turns my life has taken in the past few months.” I explained the joy of Trixie and the various other things that had happened to me since I had seen them last.
“Much of that sounds very unpleasant,” LS said.
“Indeed. So you’re a delegate, huh?” I asked LS.
“That I am. I have also been named the successor to the chief since he has no children.”
“That’s great news. I wish you the best of luck with that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe there are some dragons that I need to talk to.”
I went over to Draigoch and Fafnir who were talking amongst themselves. “Hey Draigoch, Fafnir.”
“Síor, how are you?” Draigoch asked.
“Not too bad.” I proceeded to once again explain my life for the past few months. “I’ve also become rather rich so there’s that.” I added this last bit knowing how dragons were about gold hoping to distract them from the multitude of events in my life that they could ask about.
“How rich, if you don’t mind my asking,” Fafnir said.
“About 2.2 million bits.”
I heard a roaring laugh nearby as another dragon, joined the conversation. “Being that rich I’d almost think you were a dragon,” he said. “The name’s Herensuge, I don’t think we’ve met.”
“Síor,” I said, holding out a hand.
Herensuge then shrunk to my size and grabbed my hand in his claw and shook it.
“How the hell did you do that?” I asked, incredulously.
“Unicorns and alicorns aren’t the only one’s who know magic.”
“You mean you know real magic?”
“Ah, you’ve heard of real magic?”
“Please teach me!”
“Eager one, aren’t you. But I overheard you aren’t permanently human, is this correct.”
“Yeah, what’s that gotta do with it?”
“True magic uses the whole of the being, this means you must be in your original form naturally to properly use it. Meaning no transformation dildos, as hysterical as that is.”
“Well, that’s not gonna happen any time soon. I’ve had the entirety of the Equestrian royalty as well as the full force of the unicorn tower searching for a solution to this and so far this dildo is the best they’ve come up with.”
“Well perhaps I can take take a look.” He put his claw on my forehead and closed is eyes in concentration. After a few minutes he took his claw away and said “I’m sorry but this is ancient magic, even older than Fafnir here. I know no magic that can undo this. I may be able to help the situation though but it would take some research. I’ll see what I can find. Where can I find you if I come across anything?”
“Right now, I live in a house in the Everfree Forest. You can’t miss it.”
“Very well, if I come up with anything, I’ll be sure to let you know.”
Suddenly Celestia’s voice rang out over the festivities with an announcement. “Attention everyone,” she said. “It is now time for our annual game. Each delegation can enter up to two people from their party to participate. As always, there is an immortality field over the playing field just like the one over this building. The rules are simple, the last one who hasn’t died wins. The winner will receive this.” A pedistal raised with what looked like an old computer on it. “A piece of technology from long ago preserved by a magical field in the depths of the Pony National Forest. The game will take place in a replica of the Canterlot Hedge Maze. You will have fifteen minutes to choose your competitors.”
“I want that,” I said when I saw the computer. I said goodbye to the dragons and went over to Celestia requesting to be a challenger.
“Very well, Síor,” she said. “You may compete. Who shall be the other from the Equestrian Delegation?”
Flagra raised a hoof right in front of me.
“Shit, I forgot you were here,” I said. “I really am a terrible father. But I’m gonna take a step in the right direction by saying that you can’t compete.”
She gave me a look.
“I don’t care if there’s an immortality field, It’s still too dangerous.”
“She does have a point, Síor,” the Doctor said. “No harm will come to anyone who competes.”
“She doesn’t even know how to fight,” I countered.
Flagra nodded then showed me some moves that I had learned from my fighting lessons.
“You’ve been secretly watching my fighting lessons, haven’t you?”
She nodded.
“I’m so proud,” I said hugging her. “You’re just like your dad. Though I’m not sure if that’s actually a good thing… Whatever. I guess you can compete on one condition. If you win, I still get the reward.”
She nodded. I think she just wanted to show what she was made of.
“I guess that settles it then,” Celestia said. “The competitors representing Equestria will be Síor and Flagra.” She then put on her announcer voice and said “The time for choosing has ended. Challengers, please make your way to the arena.”
Flagra and I went to the maze outside and went where we were directed. Each challenger started on a teleportation sigil that would instantly teleport us each to a random location inside the maze at the start of the competition. We were told that if we died, we would be instantly teleported back outside. A magical projection appeared overhead that showed each of us getting into position as well a a timer that counted down from 30 that was presumably when we would start. As the timer approached 0 Celestia’s voice rang out saying “Let the game begin!” Instantly we were all teleported into the maze (which was tall enough that the dragons couldn’t see over it and wide enough that they could walk through it; it was also made fireproof so they couldn’t burn it down with their fire breath) and prepared ourselves for battle.
Chapter 37--The Mareidian Party, Part 2
Chapter 37--The Mareidian Party, Part 2
The first thing I noticed when I entered the arena was that I was alone. It seemed that the delegations were split apart, That’s good, because it means I won’t have to fight two dragons at once, assuming I can find one of them before they find each other. I also noticed that along with the height, the maze was also given a ceiling, presumably so nobody could fly over it. I started off at a dead end that was about 20 feet wide, which I assumed was the width of the corridors throughout the maze. I saw what appeared to be some supplies along the wall that I assumed were provided for each of us. Among them were some basic weaponry and an enchanted quill that didn’t require an inkwell (so a pen) and some graph paper which I assumed was for map making. From the weapons, I went the usual route with a hand-crossbow with a hundred bolts and a few daggers for throwing and stabbing. Equipment in hand, I started making my way through the maze. My plan was to try to find Flagra. Since she was just here to show her stuff and wasn’t in it for the prize, I figured we could team up until the end. I was also gonna try to recruit any others who were willing to join me in order to take down the dragons as they would be the hardest to fight.
Marking my way with the graph paper, I decided to only make right turns to prevent getting too lost and to make it easier to make the map, After walking for a couple hundred feet, I was force to go right and so I went. I was hoping this maze wasn’t too huge so I would be able to find people quickly but after several more turns, I still hadn’t found anyone. And I had reached more than a few dead ends. I even tried cutting through the walls but it would seem that they were enchanted to grow back just as quickly as I was chopping them away. Suddenly a magical display appeared in front of me that simply read ‘Godric the Griffin was defeated by Draigoch the Dragon. 15 combatants remain.’ Well, that was fast. I better find someone before they all get destroyed by the dragons. Finally, after way more wandering than I care to admit, I found Flagra before anybody else.
“What’s with this maze?” I asked. “You’re the first person I’ve seen and I feel like it’s been at least an hour.”
She just shrugged with her typical silence.
“Well, I’m glad you’re the first one though. I was thinking we could team up since you were gonna give me the prize anyways.”
More shrugging.
“So, since you’re faster, do you think I could ride you?”
She gave me a look of incredulity.
“Not that kind of riding. You have a dirty mind.”
Another incredulous look.
“Yeah, I know I’m a bad influence but that’s no excuse.”
She rolled her eyes and gestured to my size and armor.
“Oh, you were just saying that I’d be too heavy. Y’know, we wouldn’t have had this problem if you just use words.”
She just rolled her eyes and casted some magic on me.
“What was that for?”
She motioned for me to get on her.
“Was that spell to make me weigh less so you could carry me?”
She nodded.
“Cool. Let’s ride!”
We started heading back the way she had come from to a fork that she had passed when another message popped up. ‘Ludo the Changeling was narrowly defeated by Sagittarius the Centaur. 14 combatants remain.’
“And another one bites the dust. We better hurry or there’s not gonna be anyone left.”
And so we continued until we crossed paths with Chrysalis.
“Hey Chrysy, how’s it going?”
“Hello, Síor and Flagra, was it?”
Flagra nodded.
“She doesn’t talk much, does she?”
“Only when she wants to. So you wanna join our little party or are we gonna have to fight you?”
“Well, under normal circumstances, I would likely join you but the prize this year is one that interests me. I believe it may be helpful in advancing my peoples culture.”
“Perhaps. It depends on how well it still works after all these years.”
“You speak as though you are familiar with the device.”
“Ha, you could say that. Let’s just say it’s something from my time and I’m quite surprised that it hasn’t disintegrated since then. I guess whatever this magical field was that was preserving it must have been pretty good. I’ll have to make a note to check that out later. Anyways, since it seems we both have interest in the prize, I believe that means we must fight. That said, Flagra, attack!”
After giving me a look that told me not to order her around, she summoned a giant ball of fire right on top of Chrysalis. Before she could react to it, another message displayed for all of us, interrupting the battle. ‘The Chief of the Nagas was slain by Herensuge the Dragon. 13 combatants remain.’
“Well, it seems we have one less rival for that prize. Now then, where were we.” I dismounted Flagra while simultaneously loading my crossbow. I ran a little closer to Chrysalis and pulled out a dagger as well. In one quick move I threw the dagger and shot the crossbow directly at her.
After that hit, she finally got her act together and transformed into Flagra. She then shot an explosion of fire between us. After that, she transformed back into herself and flew out of range of Flagra’s giant ball of fire. Flagra responded by creating a wall of fire right where Chrysalis was essentially burning her alive. There was another message but I didn’t have time to read it as I had to act quickly while Chrysalis was incapacitated. I loaded my crossbow and took the first good shot I had hitting her directly in the eye. She got out of the fire and flew around the corner. Flagra ran after her and there was a lot of fire coming from that direction. Another message came up that I quickly scanned to see if it was Chrysalis. It was Gilda killed by Taurus. I ran after them to find to Flagras fighting at a dead end.
“Are we really gonna do this? This is such a cliché,” I said. I then added sarcastically, “Oh no, which one is the real one?” I readied two daggers and started for one of them.
Meanwhile, the other one egged me on by saying “Yes, Daddy, kill her.”
I turned on my heels and flung both daggers at the one that spoke up. She transformed back into Chrysalis and I had a moment before she finally died to say “You done fucked up. You forgot that my daughter doesn’t talk.” She died then and was teleported out of the maze.
I looked over to the real Flagra and saw the fear in her eyes. “You knew she was gonna say something right?” she asked.
“Well, look who’s talking now,” I teased. “Don’t worry, I had the situation completely under control. If she hadn’t said anything then I would have only pretended to kill you. If you had turned out to be her, then she would reveal herself at that point by trying to attack me at which point you could have finished her off.”
“That sounds more complicated than it needs to be.”
“Probably. So does this mean you’re over your vow of silence.”
“I suppose. I probably won’t be a chatterbox but giving verbal answers would certainly help in a lot of situations.”
“I’m glad I finally got that through to you. Now then, shall we continue?”
She nodded.
“I guess some things don’t change.”
I got back on her and we continued through the maze as the message popped up saying that Chrysalis had died to us and there were now 10 of us left. After a few more turns we came across Little Strongheart.
“Hey, LS. Fancy seeing you here,” I said when I saw her.
“No kidding. Six people are already out and you guys are the first ones I’ve found.”
“Well, what do you say about joining us? We could work together to take out the rest of the opposition then we can duke it out at the end to determine the winner.”
“That’s an intriguing proposition. Since Chief is already out, I’m the last chance we have of winning for our delegation and it would certainly be easier with some help. Sure, I’ll join you, just keep in mind that as soon as it’s down to just the three of us, the fight is on.”
“Of course. But until then, I’m glad to have you on board. Now, I wanna try something.”
“What kind of something?”
“Well, since you and Flagra are about the same size, I was wondering if I could try riding you both at the same time.”
“Wha-I, I’m not sure I want my first time to be a th-threesome. Let alone with another girl.”
“Not that kind of riding! Geez! What’s with you guys today? Flagra had the same confusion.”
“Actually, I wasn’t--”
“But no, I meant on your back. Like a passenger.”
“How would you even do that?”
“One foot on either of your backs and then you walk at the same pace. It’ll look really cool if we can pull it off.”
“I don’t know, you look kinda heavy, especially with that armor.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. Flagra cast a spell on me that made me and my armor light enough that she can carry me so I’m sure that the weight distributed between the two of you should be no problem.”
“I guess. It seems a little demeaning though.”
“Flagra doesn’t seem to have a problem with it.”
“I’m sure being your daughter has something to do with that. She agrees to carry you because she seeks your affection.”
“Is that true, Flagra? Are you just trying to please me?”
“Actually,” she said, “I don’t really care what you think of me. As long as you don’t try to hurt me.”
“I would never hurt you. You’re too cute.” I scratched her behind the ear when I said this which seemed to embarrass her a little.
“I am not cute,” she said defiantly.
“Anyways, we doin’ this, or what?”
“I suppose we could try,” LS said hesitantly.
“Sweet!” I positioned myself standing with one foot on each of their backs and we continued like that. It was a little hard balancing but Flagra gave me a balancing spell to help with that.
After a while we got another message saying that the Naga delegate had been double-teamed by both of the dogs bringing us down to 9. Shortly after, Another message came up: ‘Sagittarius the Centaur was slaughtered by Herensuge the Dragon. 8 combatants remain. As half of the combatants have been eliminated, the maze will now reset and shrink. Those of you who have made parties will be kept together. Please standby while the maze is reset.’
“What was that?” LS asked.
“If i had to guess, it was probably a dragon,” I answered. “And based on the sound, I would assume that he was hit by the other dragon.”
“That sounds like a dangerous fight.”
“Probably. The good news is that if they’re fighting each other, there will only be one of them left for us to fight and he’ll be weakened at that.”
“That’s true. Let’s hope we don’t run into them until their fight is over.”
“For sure. Let’s keep moving.” As we rounded the next corner, we came upon the dogs. “So, you’re the guys who defeated the Naga Delegate.” They just growled at us, clearly not interested in small talk. They also looked a little worse for wear after their fight. Bad for them; good for us. “Fine, straight to business then. Flagra, sick ‘em!”
Flagra bucked me off of her, clearly annoyed that I was ordering her around. Nonetheless, she did as I asked and shot a ball of fire in their direction. The one who I think was the leader responded by jumping forward and slicing at LS with his scimitar. I wasn’t fond of asshats slicing at my friends so I jumped onto LS and Flagra’s backs again and shot a crossbow bolt right at his face at point-blank range. It gruesomely shot right through his head, killing him one the spot. Sensing that LS was about to charge the other guy, I quickly shifted my weight onto Flagra. As LS charged, she knocked the poor guy into the wall which would have hurt a lot more if it wasn’t a hedge. Nevertheless, it still killed the guy and we were free to carry on.
As the relevant messages came up about our victory, I requested that we wait for a second.
“What’s up? Is something wrong?” LS asked.
“Let’s think about this for a second. All that’s left is us, the dragons, and Taurus. The dragons are currently fighting each other somewhere over that way. I say we turn back and see if Taurus is down that corridor that we passed a bit ago and let the dragons duke it out a bit longer.”
“I agree,” Flagra said.
“Sounds like a plan to me. The longer we can put off fighting a dragon, the better.”
"Alright. Let’s go then.”
Sure enough, as we rounded a couple of corners, so to did Taurus as we stood face to face. LS was the first to act as she bucked me down in order to get a good charge at him. I was getting a little tired of getting bucked around but at least it was effective in getting attacks out. He was certainly weakened from his previous fights but he wasn’t about to take that attack lying down. She hit him square in the gut but he caught her mid-charge and through her against the wall. She was hurt but not out of the fight. While LS recovered, Flagra bought her some time as an explosion of fire lit up around Taurus. He was burned pretty badly but still in the fight. I hoped to change that as I ran and jumped on him, stabbing a dagger right into his heart. He may have had thick skin but not thick enough to withstand a razor sharp blade. Unfortunately, I miscalculated and he threw me off against the other wall. My head was spinning and LS was still down so it was up to Flagra to finish him off. She charged right for him horn first and got him right in the stab wound that I had just created. Then, as if to add insult to injury, her horn started blazing with flames as the minotaur exploded violently.
“I think we got him,” I said as I got back up.
“Síor, your daughter scares me a little,” LS said.
“Yeah, she can do that sometimes. Don’t worry though, don’t do anything to piss her off and you won’t end up on the business end of that horn.”
“Noted.”
“What do you say we take a break? The dragons are still fighting and I personally don’t want to get caught in the crossfire.”
“Good point. We’ll rest her until we get a message about one of the dragons dying then we’ll go find the winner.”
After about an hour, we finally got a message: ‘After a thrilling battle, Draigoch the Dragon was finally brought down by his elder Herensuge the Dragon.’
“Well, I guess it’s time to move again.” As I got up, however, another message appeared: ‘As we are now down to 4 combatants and they have split themselves into 2 parties, the remainder of this tournament will be fought in an open field. Please stand by as we remove the walls.’ No sooner had I finished reading the message than the inner walls of the maze shrunk into the ground opening up a 150-by-150-foot area with us and a rather wounded Herensuge standing in it.
Flagra was the first to act as she shot huge blast of fire at him. He just shook it off like it was nothing. “Silly filly,” he said. “Don’t you know dragons are immune to fire?”
“I may be a bit useless in this fight,” Flagra said.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “If you learned what you know from watching my training then you should know other elements of magical attacks.”
“I was only interested in the fire lessons. I didn’t pay attention to any others.”
“Well, now you know why you need to diversify your arsenal of spells. Just stand back, I’ll take care of this.” I threw two daggers, praying they hit their mark. I watched as they sailed through the air and struck Herensuge in each of his eyes. “Bullseye! Or should I say dragon’s eye.”
“Ha,” Herensuge laughed. “Lucky shot. But I don’t need to see to beat you.” He reared back and blew fire all over the field. He didn’t get us directly but he still burned each of us pretty well.
LS wasn’t about to take that lying down so she charged directly at him.
“Did one of you just poke me?” he mocked.
It was Flagra’s turn. Not willing to just sit this one out, she, too, charged at him.
“Ooh, that one almost hurt.”
Not wanting to feel left out, I shot off a couple of crossbow bolts in quick succession.
“Now you’re just pissing me off,” he said as he swept his tail around hitting both LS and Flagra who were right next to him after charging him. They were both knocked across the field and killed in the process. “Just you and me now, Síor.”
“Hitting me at a point of weakness. Clever. But I’m afraid this fight is over.” He grabbed me in his claw having guessed where I was from the angle of the shot. As he lifted me up to finish me off I saw my opportunity. The bolt had stuck in his skin and he was bleeding pretty badly where it stuck. I guessed it was mere inches from his heart. I managed to squeeze through his claw and jumped down to where the wound was, kicking it in just deep enough to pierce his heart. He let out a deafening roar as he fell to the ground.
“Yes,” I said. “It is over.” As I stood there covered in blood, the walls started shrinking down while the scoreboard flashed ‘Winner: Sir Síor of Equestria.’
The weapons vanished and Herensuge was regenerated. A few healers came over and healed me up as I walked back to claim my prize. As I walked back into the main hall, I was greeted with an applause as Celestia announced “Congratulations to our champion, Sir Síor. Step forward and claim your prize.”
I walked up to the stage where the computer was resting on the pedestal. It wasn’t exactly a top tier computer. It was a Dell desktop, similar to the kinds I would find in libraries or at high schools. It wasn’t amazing as far as computers go but it was certainly a prize worth having. Now I just had to figure out how to make it work. I stood there facing the crowd while resting my left arm on the computer. I raised my fist in the air in a sign of victory and the crowd cheered,
“Thus concludes the annual World Summit,” Celestia announced.
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Chapter 3--Preparations For the Summer Sun Celebration
Chapter 3--Preparations For the Summer Sun Celebration
Apparently, since I was not to be trusted alone--and because Twilight didn't know that Spike had already done and was about to do just that before she slammed the door in his face--I was dragged along to do some meaningless task for some celebration worshiping some bitch that was obviously lying about being able to control the sun. Anyways, we got a chariot pulled by pegasi--because they have pegasi here, too--and left to Ponyville. When we landed, some crazy pink pony walked up and gasped at us. I wasn't sure if she was gasping at Twilight or me but I didn't really care.
After that interesting encounter, we set off to check on the preparations. Apparently, a farm was in charge of the food so that’s where we went first. I quickly discovered that it was less of a farm and more of an apple orchard which brought me to assume that the majority of the food would contain apples. I wonder how many of those 800 plus apple recipes will be included. My suspicions were confirmed when the main pony in charge of the food, named Applejack, named off her family members that had each prepared a different dish for their namesake. They were also all named after apple dishes or breeds.
“Allow me to introduce you to the Apple family. This here is Apple Fritter. Apple Bumpkin. Red Gala, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apples, Apple Cinnamon Crisp,” she had to take a large breath after that quick listing. “Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith.”
At that point, I came out of my hiding spot behind a tree where Twilight had placed me since I was too different for the ponies to see me yet. “Hey everyone. I’m Síor.” They all gasped simultaneously when they saw me.
“Síor, I told you to stay behind the tree!” Twilight reprimanded me.
“Yeah, whatever. Hey, Applejack, right? Yeah, that’s your name so do you have any applejack?”
It seemed that I had caught her off guard because she stumbled over her words a bit. “I, er, um, no. I've never heard o’ nothing called applejack, other than me.” Gotta love that southern drawl.
“Darn. Well, I suppose I could make my own. Although, I’m not sure I want to bring alcohol to this world.”
"Síor,” Twilight said, “what is alcohol?”
“It’s a human thing. It impairs judgement and motor skills, lowers inhibitions, and causes a lack of focus. At least for a human that’s what happens. I have no idea if it works on ponies.”
“We have something similar. Salt is a common recreational drug that causes many of those symptoms as well. I would be interested to test some of this alcohol.”
“No. I don’t even think I will make any and even if I do, I am certainly not testing it on a unicorn. No telling what might happen. Combining powerful magic with impaired judgement just sounds dangerous. So, no. You will not be the test subject if I ever end up making any.”
“Hmph, fine. But you will eventually have to test in on a unicorn to have conclusive results.”
“And when that time comes, I’ll be sure to be far away from any possibility of collateral.”
“Whatever. Come, we have much more preparations to check on.”
“Aren't ya gonna stay fer brunch?” I looked around to find the owner of this adorable voice and saw a very small pony which I could only assume was younger than most of the others. She had a very sad face and was looking intently at Twilight.
“Sorry, but I really have to go.”
A chorus of disappointed sounds rang out until Twilight spoke again, “Fine.” Then they all cheered before proceeding to eat the numerous food items that had been precariously stacked on the picnic table.
After brunch, a happily full Spike, an over-full Twilight, and myself started walking back into town.
“I ate too much pie,” Twilight moaned.
“I think it was too much after the first slice,” I commented. “I don’t know how you were able to shovel down three full pies. Even being a pony such as yourself that seems like too much.”
“It was too much.”
Suddenly a flash of rainbow fur flew into us and we crashed into a mud puddle. Unfortunately for me, this sudden crash made Twilight barf her brunch all over me. It was not pleasant to say the least. But on the bright side, I discovered that ponies can vomit. Though, I’m not sure that’s much of a bright side.
“Oops, my bad,” a somewhat masculine but still female voice said. I guess the best description would be tomboyish. “Here let me help you.” Before I knew what was happening, it was suddenly pouring on just the three of us. At least I didn't have vomit all over me anymore, but my clothes still smelt like it. “Oops, I guess I overdid it. Here. My very own patented Rain-blow Dry.” As she said that, a tornado appeared around us, drying us but also pulling up all the mud and vomit and drying it onto us. So now we were dry but also covered in dirt and dry vomit.
“You must be Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said to the newcomer, whom I realized was a blue pegasus with rainbow hair and magenta eyes, not even paying mind to the mess she was in and the rancid smell that she caused.
“The one and only,” the mare replied. “Why? You heard of me?”
“I heard that you were supposed to be keeping the sky clear. My name is Twilight Sparkle and it is my duty to ensure that everything is ready for the celebration tomorrow.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll get that done in a sec. Just as soon as I’m done practicing.”
“Practicing? For what?”
“The Wonderbolts! They're performing at the Summer Sun Celebration and I’m gonna show ‘em my stuff.”
“The Wonderbolts? The fastest fliers in all of Equestria?”
“Yep, that’s them.”
“Please. The Wonderbolts would never accept a pegasus who can’t even keep the sky clear for one measly day.”
“I could clear this sky in 10 seconds flat.”
“Oh yeah? Síor, you have a watch, correct?”
“Um, yes. But do you think we could get cleaned up, this smell is starting to get to me?”
“In a moment, I would like you to time Miss Dash as she clears the sky. Let’s see if she can really clear it as fast as she says. Consider it a training exercise.”
“Training exercise, huh?” Rainbow Dash said. “Alright I’m game. Wanna make it a bet? If I clear the sky in exactly 10 seconds flat, then I get one free favor from you; and if I don’t, then you can make me do whatever you want.”
“That sounds fair. Whenever you’re ready.”
She took off and I started timing. My timing wasn't perfectly accurate because I had an analogue watch instead of digital because I appreciated the antiquity of it. Nonetheless, by the time Rainbow Dash was done, exactly ten seconds had passed by my count. I also learned that apparently pegasi control the clouds, and, consequently, the weather.
“What’d I tell ya, ten. Seconds. Flat,” Dash said. “You should see the looks on your faces, priceless! Well, at least you two,” she said pointing to Twi and Spike. “I don’t know how to read your face though,” she added, pointing to me. “I’m not even sure what you are.”
“I’m a human, though that probably has no relevance to you. Basically, I woke up after being frozen for eons and then Twilight ‘summoned’ me and can’t put me back. Name's Síor.”
“Frozen, eh? So, you're from the past?”
“Well, I was from the past. But for all I know now, I could be from a different dimension. And if that’s the case, Twilight, how am I breathing or not crushed by the gravity?”
“Well, when I released you from your bindings, I also put a spell on you that would make you able to survive in the current environment,” she said.
“Hmm. Yeah, still not so sure about the whole magic thing. Where I’m from, magic is typically considered bad. Of course there is good magic like in Harry Potter but there will always be someone who misuses it and becomes evil.”
“You have magic in your world?”
“Only in fiction and illusions. No real magic.”
Dash piped up at this point, “Well, magic isn't all that great anyways. I’d much rather have wings than magic any day.”
“Rainbow,” Twilight said in what I had already come to recognize as her explaining voice, “pegasi use magic too. Your wings are not nearly powerful enough to lift you. Pegasus wings all have innate magic, meaning you can’t control it. Unicorn magic is controllable, that’s why it’s more recognized as magic. Even earth ponies have magic in their strength and in their relationships with nature.”
“Whatever. I gotta dash. Don’t forget you owe me a favor. But since I’m a fair pony, I’ll do something for you when you need it.”
“Thank you, Rainbow Dash. We must be off now.” We started walking and Dash flew off at an incredible speed. “Spike, what’s next on the list?”
“I say we should get a shower next. We still smell like the insides of your stomach, Twi.”
They both ignored me and Spike said, “Decorations.” We then entered a gaudy looking building and Spike tone changed from business to love struck when he said, “Beautiful.”
“Yes, the decor is coming along nicely. We should be back at the library in no time. Beautiful indeed.”
“Not the decor, her.” He pointed to another unicorn who was putting up the decorations. She was white with purple hair. Not the best color combination if you ask me but I'm not exactly a fashion expert. And even if I were, I know nothing about pony fashion.
I decided I should try to talk again so I said to Spike, “You realize she won’t fall for you if you still smell like fucking vomit. Seriously, am I the only one who can smell it?”
“Certainly not sir,” the mare said. “I can smell you three from all the way over here. Might I ask what you are though?”
“I’m a human and I need a shower and some new clothes because these ones wreak. I’ll need multiple outfits if I’m gonna live here anyways.”
“I haven’t the slightest clue what a human is but I can provide you with a shower and I can make you some new clothes. Strip down and I will get your measurements.”
“I’m a little subconscious about stripping in front of people--even if those people are ponies and a dragon.”
“You may use the changing room then. It’s over there.”
I went to the changing room while Twilight and the other mare--I still need to get her name--talked about the decor or something. I took off my clothes and not knowing what to do next simply called out, "I'm ready for you."
The mare came in carrying a sewing tape measure in her magic. When she saw me she gave me a disappointed look.
"What?" I asked. "I'm a scientist, not an athlete. It's not nice to judge people's appearances, you know."
"Oh, it's not your appearance, darling, it's that," she said, pointing at my underwear.
"My underwear? What's wrong with them?"
"You need to take them off so I can get your full measurements."
"I don't even know your name and you're already trying to get me naked," I said, jokingly. At her disapproving look I added, "I'm kidding," and took them off. When they were off, I thought I saw her blushing slightly but I can't tell with these ponies.
"My name is Rarity, by the way," she said as she took my measurements.
These names, I swear... "I'm Síor," I said.
"Well, Mr. Síor," she said after taking my measurements, "are there any specifications you would like to mention before I get started.
"First of all, drop the mister, I despise formalities. As for my clothes, I need a few pairs of underwear, preferably cotton and with an elastic band for the waist. I would like about five pairs of pants. If you can make denim, that would be great but otherwise cotton will do. Make sure there's deep pockets on all the pants. I'll need about five t-shirts, preferably cotton. If the pants are denim, I don't care what color the shirts are because any color goes with blue jeans. If you can't make the pants denim then make the shirts whatever color, preferably red, blue, purple, or black, though. I would prefer a left chest pocket on all the shirts because I find that very convenient for quick access. I don't usually change my jacket so I won't need many of those, maybe two or three, again cotton if you could. I would also like the jackets to have full length zippers and hoods as well as fairly large pockets. I'm also gonna need some socks, preferably cotton with an elastic band for the legs. I would like them to be fairly long, I like long socks. I'll probably need about five pairs of socks. I would prefer them to be either white or black. I'm also gonna need a couple pairs of shoes. Preferably rubber soles and I think it's canvas for the top part. I would prefer them in black or grey. Although, since it's summer, I should probably get some sandals. I can draw you a design for those if you can get me some paper." As I listed all the specifications, I held up the item I was talking about and made sure to point out each part I was talking about. She got me some paper and a quill and ink. I've always wanted to use a quill.
While I drew the design she was talking to me about some of the stuff I said. "Well, this should all be fairly easy. I'll need your hoof measurements for your stockings and shoes."
"They're called feet. Go ahead and measure them while I finish this." I should mention that since my clothes were still dirty, I was completely naked during this entire conversation. It was awkward to say the least. Let me tell you, getting my feet measured is annoying as fuck because I'm super ticklish on my feet. It took a few tries to get it right. When she was done, I showed her the design for the sandals.
"This looks simple enough," she said. "I don't know what velcro is but I assume I can substitute buckles."
"Yeah, that'll work I guess. Can I go take a shower now?"
"You'll have to wait until Twilight is done."
I sighed and sat down, knowing how long girls take in the shower. "So, how long will it be until my clothes are done?"
"I would start on them right away but I still need to finish the decorations for the Celebration. But once I'm done with the decor, I will begin work on your clothes. It shouldn't take longer than a week. It will be quite a test of my skills making clothes for a...whatever you are."
"I'm a human. So, what, I'm supposed to walk around naked for a week."
"If you are truly adamant about covering yourself, I can make you a cloak. That shouldn't take but a few minutes so I suppose I could make it for you now. Why does it matter for you to be clothed anyways?" she asked, getting started on my cloak.
"It's a human thing. We've always worn clothes since we lost our fur through evolution. Clothing has become a way to keep warm and also to add style. Personally, I don't care much for style so I just use it to keep warm and to cover my body."
"And why is covering your body so important?"
"Well, after millenia of wearing clothes, the natural body of others became a secret of sorts. To a human, showing your body shows that you trust the other person in an intimate way."
"Now, when you say intimate..."
"I mean sexual, yes."
"I see. So that is why you were so reluctant to remove your clothes."
"Yep."
"That should do it," she said holding up a rather simple black cloak. "It's certainly not my best work but it will work for temporary use. Go ahead, try it on."
I grabbed the cloak and wrapped it around myself. "Do you think you cold make arm holes? If I'm gonna be wearing this all week, I'll need to be able to use my arms."
"Is that what you call those? Since you asked, I suppose I could cut some holes for you." She flew some scissors over to where I had the cloak around me and cut holes at the shoulders. "How is that?"
"Much better," I said putting my arms through the holes. I noticed that it also had strings so I could tie it closed. I did so and gave a stance so Rarity could admire her own work.
"Rarity, you are a genius!" she said to herself.
"Yeah, I'm gonna go see if Twilight's done in the shower yet. Where's it at?"
"Just head up the stairs over there, it's the first door on the left."
"Thanks Rarity." I headed up the stairs to the bathroom.
The door was closed but I didn't hear any water running so I assumed no one was in there. I checked the door and it wasn't locked so I went in. I quickly exited after seeing what I wish I could unsee. Twilight was indeed in there and I don't want to describe what I saw. She came out ten minutes later and was clearly avoiding looking at me. "You can clean yourself now," she quickly said. This time I knew I could see a blush on her face.
I went into the bathroom and took off my cloak, which was really more of a robe since it now had arm holes. I ran the water to make sure the shower floor was clean before cleaning myself. When I was done, I let Spike know so he could shower before I went to find Twilight because despite not wanting to, I needed to talk to her. She was waiting downstairs because where else would she go?
"I don't want to talk about it," she told me before I could even say anything.
"But you need to. If you're gonna fuck yourself, the least you could do is lock the door."
She was shocked by my bluntness. "Síor, do you know what it means when a mare is in heat?"
"It means your super horny for a few days each month. Your in heat, aren't you?"
She nodded, looking away.
"Hey, it's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's just a part of life. If you need to relieve yourself, that's fine just don't do it in a public setting where anyone could see you." She mumbled something I couldn't here. "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak up."
She took a deep breath and quickly said, "Would you help me relieve my heat?"
"No. I'm sorry but unless you can turn yourself into a human, I ain't fucking you."
At that point, Spike came down. "Um, am I interrupting something?" he asked.
"Nope," I said. "Twilight's in heat and she wants me to fuck her, that's all." That got them both to blush. "Come on, I assume we have more preparations to check on?" I started walking out and they followed.
"Um, right," Twilight confirmed. "Spike what's next."
"Uh, music, it's the last one."
We were walking into a park and I started to hear some birds singing in sync. Well mostly, I noticed there was one that was off-rhythm. "Alright, if that's our music then that's awesome, we should be quiet so as to not scare them off," I whispered.
"Hello!" Twilight yelled, a few feet ahead of Spike and me. I walked up to her and slapped her. "Sorry." As I predicted, the birds were scared away. I saw a yellow pegasus with pink hair gently fluttering next to the tree where the birds were. Twilight noticed the mare as well and began talking to her. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to frighten your birds."
"Then why'd you yell?" I asked.
She at least had the audacity to look ashamed. When the mare saw me, she flew right up in my face. "Oh, my goodness. I've never seen anything like you before," she said.
"I'd imagine not, seeing as I'm the only human in the world. Name's Síor."
"Hi Síor, I'm Fluttershy. Wow! I always love finding new creatures. And you can talk, too! What do humans talk about?"
I could tell she was a very naive girl so I didn't want to corrupt her mind with anything that I usually talk about. I quickly thought of something to say. "Well, I could tell you about some things from my world. Do you want to know about sci-fi?"
"Sure."
I began explaining the wonderful genre that is science fiction as we walked to the place we were staying while in Ponyville. Twilight seemed rather interested as well, especially when I got into space travel and time travel. When we got to our temporary home--it was a library inside a tree, go figure--I noticed that all the lights were turned off and I could hear some loud whispers coming from inside, obvious signs of a surprise party. Why it was in a library, I didn't know, but it gave me an idea. "Hey, Twilight?" I said.
"Yes, Síor?"
"Are there any roof entrances to this place?"
"There's a balcony up there." She pointed it out. "Why?"
"Because I want to climb the tree. Don't go in until I tell you."
"Ok?"
I climbed the tree to the balcony and opened the door which was luckily unlocked. I quietly stepped inside and looked around for whoever was whispering loudly figuring that would be the one who set it up. I quickly spotted her: the same pink mare that gasped at us when we came into town. I scanned the rest of the room so I could hatch out my plan. I saw that the balcony linked to an upper floor where I could jump off. I went over to it and jumped down to the first floor landing on the pink mare. "Surprise," I said.
Of course when someone come out of nowhere and lands on your back, you're gonna freak out. And she did. She started bucking and screaming like crazy. I knew this wouldn't end well so I quickly jumped off at the safest point I could find. I still landed on my face but at least I was expecting it. When the mare calmed down, she said in a disappointed voice, "Aww, you ruined the surprise."
"Yep," I said. Louder I called, "Twilight, you can come in now."
"How'd you do that anyways?" the mare asked.
I explained the process while Twilight came into the un-surprise party. When the mare saw her, she went over and started rambling so fast that I couldn't attempt to understand it. At the end she just said, "And now you have lots and lots of friends!"
I walked over to them just in time to see Twilight run off after drinking pure hot sauce, mistaking is for sassparilla. "Doesn't she read labels?" I mused.
"Hot sauce." Spike read. Then, the mare poured some on a cupcake that was on the table and ate it. The six of us--being the other four mares Twilight met, Spike, and I--all looked at her like she was crazy, which I later found out she was.
"What, it's good," she said.
"Whatever," I said. Then, she came over to me and began rambling again. Before she could get very far, I reached out and clamped her mouth shut. "If you're gonna talk to me, you need to slow the fuck down." She nodded and I remove my hand from her muzzle.
"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie and I threw this party just for you three. You see I saw you coming into town and I was like," she gasped like she did before. "You see I've never met you before and if I never met you before then you must be new to town because I know everypony, and I mean everypony, in Ponyville, and if you're new to town it means you haven't met anypony yet, and if you haven't met anyone yet, you must not have any friends, and if you don't have any friends then you must be lonely, and that made me so sad, and I had an idea, and that's why I went," she gasped again. "'I'll just throw a great big ginormous super-duper spectacular welcome party and invite everypony in Ponyville." See? And now you have lots and lots of friends!"
"Fun. I'm not much for socializing so if you want me to make friends, you'll have to introduce me to someone with common interests. I'm fine with the five of you and Spike and Twilight as friends, I don't need many."
"Oh, that's silly. I could never have too many friends. But if you only want a few, then I'll respect your comfort zone."
"Thanks, Pinkie. I suppose this is also a Summer Sun Celebration party as well? From what Twilight told me, everyone has to stay up all night to watch Celestia raise the sun." Or rather to watch her jump into the air as the sun raised.
At this point, Rarity jumped in, "Síor, you should really call the Princess by her title. She is a Princess, after all."
"Yeah, I don't really care much for formalities, as I told you earlier. Titles mean nothing to me, it's just a way to force respect out of people. The way I see it, if you want respect, you gotta earn it."
She hmphed and I continued talking to the group. It was nice. Around 3 am, Spike went up to the second floor to try again to get Twilight to join the party when he returned without her, I assumed he failed again. It was a good party despite the lack of booze.
Around 5:15 we all went to the center of town where the celebration was set up. Twilight came with us because she thought it was at least important to make an appearance at the main Celebration. The Mayor gave an announcement and rarity pulled the ropes for the curtain only to reveal that Celestia wasn't there. Everyone started freaking out and then some weird blue mist appeared with a pitch black horse with both wings and a horn. She had dark blue hair that seemed to flow in its own wind. She was also wearing a helmet and a chest plate. She looked over the crowd and began speaking, "Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces."
This must be the villain that Twilight thought would come. "What did you do with the Princess?" Rainbow asked.
"Why, am I not royal enough for you? Do you know who I am? Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?"
"I did," Twilight said. "And I know who you are. You're Night Mare Moon."
"Well, well, well. Somepony who remembers me. And I suppose you know why I'm here."
"You're here to bring about nighttime eternal," I said, since Twilight couldn't due to her fear.
"You are correct. And what, might I ask are you?"
"I'm a human. My name is Síor."
"Human? I recall a conversation with Celestia about humans. But no matter, you and all these ponies will be trapped in my eternal night."
"Yeah that's not gonna happen because Twilight and her new friends just went back to the library to get more info on the one thing that can beat you: the Elements of Harmony or, as you probably know them, The Stones of Power."
"The Stones of Power? How do you know about the Stones?"
"Well, when twilight summoned me, she made me stay in the library in Canterlot for a few hours while she went out and I found a book with some info about the Elements in it. And if what it said is consistent in whatever book is in Twilight's library, then they'll be headed into the Everfree Forest in about five minutes. Twilight's probably gonna want my help so I'll be going now."
"The effort is futile." I chuckled at the word 'futile' because it reminded me of Star Trek. "The Stones are well hidden and this Twilight does not even know how to activate them."
"She's a smart girl, she'll figure it out." I left at that point but not before seeing her turn into blue mist and float off.
Chapter 12--Smoking and Drinking
Chapter 12--Smoking and Drinking
When Qene and I finally caught up to Fluttershy, we found her fruitlessly trying to get the attention of the citizens.
“Qene, if you would please,” I said to the manticore. He roared, quickly silencing everyone that was there and getting them to turn our way. “Attention everyone!” I announced. Despite everyone’s typical attitude of pretending I don’t exist, they all listened because I sounded important. “There’s a huge-ass cloud of fucking smoke coming from that mountain that I could have sworn was not there before--the mountain, not the smoke. There are only two things I know of that produce smoke: fire and dragons.” And factories and large trucks and bars filled with smokers but I don’t think any of those things exist in Equestria. “There doesn’t appear to be any trees to burn on that mountain so I will assume it is a dragon. And it would appear that Celestia has finally caught onto the situation and sent Twilight a letter so I’m gonna let her continue from here. Take it away Twi.” She glared at me for calling her that before continuing. She basically just confirmed my assumptions and debriefed us--her five friends and myself (and Qene)--on the mission to remove the dragon.
Essentially, the plan was to climb the mountain and use our various skills to get the dragon to leave. I wasn’t aware of any skills I had--other than being an asshole but I don’t think that would help get rid of the dragon--but Twilight made me come anyways.
Once we were all finally up the mountain--I say finally because Fluttershy was being a scaredy cat--or scaredy pony, as they say--and wouldn’t climb and instead had to be led around the mountain--Twilight started voicing her ideas.
Apparently, I was sent in first because I had the best chance against a dragon. In other words, they’re all fucking cowards. So, I went in with Qene as my weapon and confronted the dragon. My basic plan was to try and reason with the beast. I was hoping that having its runner-up species in strength by my side would help with the persuasion. I found the big red dragon sleeping on a fuckmassive pile of treasure. “So, Qene. How do you safely wake up a dragon?” He just looked at me like I was crazy. “Well, unless you know how to move it without waking it up, we’re gonna have to wake him up.” He kneeled down for me to get off and then started drawing out a plan in the dirt. “Yeah, that could work.” I proceeded to carry out the plan that Qene showed me. Basically, we flew up to the ceiling of the cave and knocked a few small-ish rocks loose so they would fall on the dragon, hopefully causing a hard enough hit to wake him, but not hard enough to hurt him and make him attack. The plan worked and I began talking to the beast. “Hello, Mr. Dragon. I’m sorry to wake you but I was wondering if we could talk.” He grunted but didn’t make any motion to get rid of me. “Good. First of all, do you have a name I can call you, I don’t like calling you Mr. Dragon.”
“I do indeed have a name. However, after years of having no contact with other life forms, I have lost the need to tell others my name and as such, I have forgotten it. Until I remember it, you may refer to me as Draco. Now, what is it you want, human?”
“How did you know I was human?”
“My species has been around since before the human race but few of us had reached sentience until the human race was wiped out. We sought refuge from the evil matter sucker in the caves of the planet until a day came when dragons could roam again.”
“By chance does your species have any legends of a boy named Arthur that slayed a dragon?”
“I remember a tale of a human slaying a dragon to prove his worth and becoming king. He succeeded and humans were avoided from then on. Why do you ask?”
“Because if all the parts of that tale are true, then it might be possible for me to learn magic.”
“Magic in the traditional sense is learnable by any but modern magic is exclusive to only unicorns.”
“What do you mean?”
“Many years ago, when the alicorns usurped the rule of Equestria, anyone could use real magic. After Discord showed his presence, it was decided that magic should be limited. Celestia, in combination with the leaders of all the other species, decided that only unicorns would use the new form of magic, namely spells. Obviously there was some dispute about this since it overpowered unicorns and by connection ponies in general but that was easily forgotten after realizing that all the other races had their own form of self-protection. Thus, the unicorns can use spells, and no one else can. However, there are those of us that still remember real magic and use it either without detection or with permission.”
“Do you know real magic? Could you teach me?”
“I do not. However, many dragons do still know it. Despite what most races think, dragons do not call Drakomesto home. We actually live in Fireland, formerly known as Iceland if my sources are correct. Drakomesto is simply where we hold important events.”
“Iceland. Makes sense. There was actually another reason I woke you. How do you feel about ponies?”
“They are a waste of life and resources. Why do you ask?”
“Well, your sleeping and snoring is causing a lot of smoke and it’s choking the land.”
“Why should I care?”
“Because I also live there.”
“Hmm, I will leave on one condition: when you get transportation out of this forsaken land, be sure to visit me.”
“I will do my best. Are you going to be at the Mareidian Party in the spring?”
“I have been invited, but I rarely go to that sort of events. However, if you are going to be there, I suppose I could go for the sake of seeing a friend again.”
“Sweet, in that case, I’ll see you then.”
“Until then.” He then flapped his huge leathery wings and gathered his treasure before taking off presumably to Iceland.
I walked out behind him in time to see him flying off in the distance. “Problem solved,” I said. “And I got another foreign connection.”
“I knew you had talent, Síor!” Fluttershy said.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“It’s obvious you’re wonderful with animals, just like me!”
“That wasn’t animal caring, if anything that was diplomacy.”
“Either way,” Twilight said, “it’s a good skill to have, especially since you're going to be Princess Celestia’s guest at the Mareidian party.”
“How’d you know about that?” By this time, we had begun our descent down the mountain.
“The Princess tells me more than you think.”
Being a smartass as usual: “Which one?”
“Ugh, Princess Celestia. I appreciate your constant reminders of that but you don’t have to be a jerk about it.”
“Aw, but it’s so much fun.” She was ahead of me but I imagined she was rolling her eyes. “So, what’s next?” We had reached the bottom of the mountain now. The descent was much quicker because most of us could fly or teleport and AJ and Pinkie could hitch a ride with one of us.
“Well, I have more work to get back to so I’d prefer not to be bothered.”
“I got apples ta harvest.”
“I’m practicing for the Wonderbolts!”
“I have a big order to fill.”
“I’m making brownies!!!”
“I’m making gourmet dog treats.”
Guess who said what. Hmm, brownies or dog treats. Pinkie or Fluttershy. Fluttershy, no question. “I think I’ll help you, Fluttershy.”
“Oh, how wonderful! I always appreciate the extra help.”
So I went back to Fluttershy’s cottage to help her make dog treats. Back in my high school days I had taken a culinary course and we made gourmet dog treats every year around Christmas time and I tried to make them for my own dog as often as possible so I was no novice at the task. We went into the kitchen and began cooking. After the first batch was in the oven, she said, “Hey, Síor. Have I ever shown you my basement?”
“I didn’t even know you had a basement.”
“It’s actually more of a cellar. Come on, I’ll show you.”
I followed her out around the house to a cellar door I hadn’t noticed before. She opened it and we went into the dark room below. She flipped on the light and I saw something I never thought I would see for a long time. “Is that--?”
“Mead, yes.”
“Where did you get this?”
“I have some friends on an island near Drakomesto who call themselves the Shōjō. They’re very nice and they send me a bottle of mead every month. I rarely drink any but I figured you would like some.”
“Yes fucking please! I have been craving alcohol since the first day I got here!” I should mention that it has been about a month since I arrived, making it late July. “One question though. How did you become acquainted with Shōjō if they live in what I’m assuming is Japan?”
“I signed up for a pen pal system and my pen pal was a Shōjō named Arukōru. We got talking and he started sending a bottle of mead with each of his letters. I hardly ever drink any so it’s just been building up over time.”
“Huh, well enough about that, let’s crack open a bottle and start drinkin’!” She gave me a bottle and got one for herself and we drank the night away. I don’t remember much after midnight but I know it was a fun night. I woke up the next morning in Fluttershy’s bed with Fluttershy herself next to me. I had suspicions about what happened that night but I think it would be better if I left those suspicions unvoiced.
Chapter 18--Appleoosa
One day near the end of August--I wonder if they’re aware of the origin of the month names--I woke up on a train. Thing is, I didn’t fall asleep on a train. As such, I started freaking out. I wasn’t tied up, thankfully, but I still had no fucking clue what was happening. Then Twilight came in and I was on her like this story on your screen. Before she knew what was happening, I had my dagger to her throat and my crossbow to her head. I didn’t think at the time why my captor would leave me with my weapons but I wasn’t exactly in a fully rational state of mind.
“You’re going to tell me what the fuck is going on and you’re going to do it in ten words,” I told her.
“Why?” she asked.
“Truth is singular. Lies are words and that was one of yours.”
“We’re going to Appleoosa to drop off an apple tree.”
I dry-fired the crossbow at her head and she flinched. “Apple tree is two words.” I let her go. “So why are we bringing an apple tree to Appleoosa?”
“Applejack is visiting her cousin and the tree is a gift.”
“So why am I here?”
“Ask Applejack. It was my job to get you here; it’s her job to tell you why. You are a very heavy sleeper, by the way. I tried everything I could to wake you up. I even poured cold water on you.”
“I was wondering why I was all wet. But yeah, cold water only works if I’m already awake to get me out of bed. If I’m still asleep, good luck getting me up.”
“But I’ve been able to wake you up before.”
“That was only when there were other things going on or I was already nearing the end of my natural sleep cycle.”
“Whatever. You can’t stay in this car, it’s supposed to be for storage.”
Looking around, I saw that there was a bunch of boxes and luggage. “Why’d you stuff me in a storage car?”
“Because this is where Qene is.”
I saw Qene come out of one of the corners to greet me. “Whatever. Take me to where I can be, then.”
She took me back a car where the rest of her friends were waiting. “Hiya, Síor,” Applejack said. “Glad to see yer finally awake.”
“Yeah, cut the chatter and just tell me why I’m here,” I said.
“Well, we needed Qene’s strength to help us move Bloomberg--”
“Bloomberg?”
“The apple tree,” Rainbow Dash explained.
“--and yer the only one who can control him,” Applejack finished.
“It’s about time you got up, too,” Twilight said. “It’s almost dark.”
“Really?” I asked. “It’s been a while since I’ve slept more than twelve hours. Then again, I didn’t go to sleep until about 4 so…”
“We really need to work on your sleeping schedule.”
“I told you, my internal clock has 26 hours, not 24. My sleep gets out of sync quickly.”
“Whatever. The rest of us are on a normal sleep schedule so we’re going to get ready for bed. We’ll be arriving in Appleoosa early tomorrow morning.”
“Did you at least pack me something to do in the time when I’m not sleeping?”
“You have your dagger and I packed you a sharpening rock. Go carve something out of wood.”
“Gee, thanks. And where might I find wood?”
“There should be some spare wood in the storage car.”
I left to get as much wood as I could carry. When I returned, I asked, “So which bed is mine?” They all pointed to the bed under Applejack’s. I sat down on my bed and started whittling.
About an hour later, the ponies were all in their beds chatting like women do. Then Spike sat up on his bed and said, “Could you guys keep it down? I was up early fire roasting those snacks for you.”
“Speaking of,” Dash said. “Some of these popcorn kernels didn’t get popped."
“Fine.” He blew a stream of fire her way which burnt all the popcorn and popped one kernel. “Good night!”
“Maybe it’s time we all got some shut-eye,” Twilight said. “We’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.”
There were various sounds of disapproval as Twilight turned off all the lights. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but due to the excess of magic in Equestria, society evolved without the need for electricity. Everything that appeared to be electrical was actually run from stored magic. Anyways, I was about to grab my stuff and go back a car, where I was told the tree--Bloomberg--was being stored, so I could continue my whittling in candlelight when I heard Rainbow start to whisper something.
“Psst! Pinkie Pie, you asleep yet?” she said.
“No, are you asleep yet?” Pinkie replied.
“If I was sleeping, how could I have asked you if you were asleep?”
“Oh yeah!”
“When we get to Appleoosa, you think we’ll have to carry that big heavy tree all the way from the train to the orchard?”
“What tree? You mean Bloomberg?
“No, Fluttershy.” This was said sarcastically.
“Fluttershy’s not a tree, silly!”
“What’s going on?” Twilight asked, bringing a candle to the conversation.
“Rainbow Dash thinks Fluttershy’s a tree,” Pinkie said.
“I do not think she’s a tree,” Rainbow said defensively. “I was just--”
“Did you say she was a tree?” Twilight asked.
“No, well...yes. But not exactly--” Rainbow said.
“Ya know she’s not a tree, right?” Twilight asked.
“She’s not a tree, Dashie!” Pinkie said.
“I’d like to be a tree,” Fluttershy said.
Then Spike yelled, “Oh for Pete’s sake!” and got up with his pillow and stormed out to Bloomberg’s car.
“Well that was kinda huffy,” Twilight said.
“Huffy the magic dragon,” Fluttershy added.
They all giggled until Rarity yelled, “Would you all be QUIET?! NOW?!?!”
They screamed and blew out the candle, signalling the time for me to take my stuff to the other car.
“Hey Spike, Bloomberg, you guys don’t mind if I stay in here to whittle, do you?” Spike just snored and I didn’t get anything from Bloomberg so I assumed he was asleep, too. “Awesome.” I lit three candles with my lighter and returned to my whittling. I had actually gotten pretty good by the time morning rolled around and I realized I hadn’t slept. I didn’t think much of it because I had slept for more than twelve hours the night/day before.
About an hour and a half after sunrise, I started to notice a rumble other than that of the train. I looked out the window of the caboose--as it turns out the car I was in was--and saw a stampeding herd of buffalo. I was about to get my crossbow to try and kill one of them because buffalo meat is damn good but then the train started shaking. I then realised that the buffalo were ramming the train and decided that trying to change cars would be a bad idea. I tried my best to stay by the window so I could see what was happening. I saw some of the buffalo form a tower and a smaller one--presumably a calf--jumped onto the train. A few minutes passed and then I felt the car being detached from the rest of the train.
Spike finally woke up and when he realised that we were slowing down, he screamed out the window at Rainbow who had apparently chased the young buffalo on top of the train. “Hey Spike, you mind shutting up so I can think of a plan,” I said.
“Oh, uh, sorry.”
I tried to think of a way to get out of this without getting caught but nothing I thought of would work. Then the door opened and the calf came in. She--as it turned out being--seemed surprised to see Spike and me but she handled it well enough. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she said. “We didn’t mean to kidnap you, we were just trying to steal the tree.”
She seemed to recognise Spike as a dragon but when she looked at me she seemed almost frightened. I decided to play around with that a little bit. “No apology is necessary, child. But please, if you would, take me to your leader.”
“Certainly, Mr….”
“I am Síor. You will address me only as such. This is Spike.”
“My name is Little Strongheart.” She led us through an encampment of what looked like tipis. “Hey Síor, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what exactly are you? You’re not like any creature I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m a human.”
“A human? Humans are the main focal point of our tribe’s beliefs. Or at least I think it was humans.” We had now arrived at a larger more important-looking tipi. “Maybe Chief Thunderhooves will know.”
We entered the tent and a full size buffalo with a full headdress of feathers--I should mention that all the other buffalos had merely headbands with only a few feathers, kind of like an Indian tribe or some shit like that--seemed delighted to see Little Strongheart. “Ah, Little Strongheart, did the mission go well?”
“Yes, Chief. The mission was a total success.”
“Who are your friends there?”
“Well, our mission was a success but we also caught these two in the car with the tree. This is Spike and Síor.”
When the Chief saw me, he seemed shocked but also like he expected me. “Is that what I think it is?” he asked.
“He’s a human.”
“So the legends are true.”
“What legends?” I asked.
“Our people have many legends about brave warriors and powerful fighters but the most interesting legends involve a creature called a human, such as yourself. These legends tell the tale of Blackrobe and how…” He told a very long and boring story about some guy who resurrected a dead buffalo with magic to use as food or whatever. “...So you see, that we buffalo were once prey to the humans yet they relied on our existence for food. Thus is the great circle of life.” Right when he said that, the Circle of Life song started playing in my head. “And now, for being so kind as to resurrect our dead ancestors rather than hunting those that were still alive, we praise the humans as gods.” Then, two other buffalo picked me up and held me high like the god they thought I was.
“Sweet,” I said. “What about dragons? How do you feel about them?”
He went on to explain some random mythology his people believed about dragons that I didn’t care to remember. Eventually, it ended with them highly respecting dragons, though not quite as highly as me.
Some time passed and Spike and I went out with some of the buffalo on a scouting mission. Right when we were about to not expect to find anything, we heard some voices nearby. Upon rushing toward them, we found that they belonged to Rainbow and Pinkie.
“Dash, Pinkie, what up bitches?” I said.
“Síor? Spike?” Pinkie asked.
“Yep. Hey, these guys are fine,” I told the buffalo.
“What the hay is going on?” Dash asked.
“Come on, I’ll explain on the way,” I said. I told them the story of the buffalo and how I was practically a god to them and all that happy horseshit--no pun intended. We got back to camp around dinner time so I asked one of the buffalo for some food.
“What would you like to eat, Síor?” he asked.
“Give me the best meal you guys got,” I said.
“And what for the ponies?” This was asked of me, not the ponies themselves. Dash looked a little annoyed by that fact. I whispered into the buffalo’s ear to bring them a couple bowls of the worst possible slop they had. Spike had some turquoise stones.
Little Strongheart replied with a similar, “You!”
“That’s it, we’re outta here!” Dash said.
“Wait,” LS said. “Please accept my apology for what happened on the train, we didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“We only wanted the tree. The settler ponies have overtaken the land and have planted an orchard all over it! Because of their thoughtlessness, we can no longer run over our traditional stampeding grounds.”
“Huh?”
“I think it’s time they met the Chief,” I said. We brought them to the Chief who was at another fire.
“We have a long and winding stampeding trail that we have run upon for many generations,” he explained. “My father stampeded upon these grounds, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and--”
“I think they get the idea, Chief,” LS said.
“It is a sacred tradition to run the path every year. But this year, these... settler ponies, these... Appleoosans!” The last word was said with added rage and he started snorting angrily until LS cut that out.
“They planted apple trees all over it without asking our permission,” she continued.
“Well that's not very nice. Right, Rainbow Dash?” Pinkie said.
Dash hmphed.
“The ponies refused to move their trees, so we are stuck here, and it is not fair!” LS finished.
Spike added his two cents, “See, Rainbow Dash? They had a good reason to--”
Rainbow jumped into the air and landed hard causing many buffalo to gasp at her brashness. “I'll say they had a good reason! C'mon. We have some apple-pickin' Appleloosans to talk to!”
We set off on a mini-caravan back to Appleoosa. Before we got too far, though, one of the buffalo pulled me aside. “You need to come with me, Síor,” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“My queen has requested it.”
“Since when do buffalo have a queen?”
He then grabbed my hand with his hoof somehow and pulled me behind a rock. Right before my eyes I saw his transform with a bright green flash of magic. What stood in front of me now was a creature that was pure black. It was shaped like a pony with bug-like wings and a pointy black horn. It had a webbed mane and tail and it’s eyes were the brightest blue I had ever seen. “As you can see, I am no buffalo,” he said.
“What are you then?”
“I’m a changeling. Now, will you come peacefully or will I have to apply force.”
“Well, I don’t think you could take me by yourself but I’ll come peacefully because why not.”
He led me away for a few hours until we came upon a very large hole where I would come to meat some very interesting and very helpful friends.
Chapter 34--Hearth's Warming Eve Pageant
Chapter 34--Hearth’s Warming Eve Pageant
The Founding of Equestria
Narrator........................................................................................................................................................................................................Sir Síor
NARR [Enters stage right] Good evening fillies and gentlecolts and welcome to the 1000th annual Hearth’s Warming Eve Pageant. As you all know, this pageant was created 1000 years ago by our very own Princess Celestia to commemorate the founding of our great nation of Equestria. However, what you don’t know is that the story you all know and love is wrong. There were no Windegos, there was no extreme winter, and there was no separation of the races. As a matter of fact, the different races hadn’t even been created yet. All there was of the ponies were alicorns. And there was a whole population of them, not just the three we have today. So what happened? How did the three pony races come to be? Where did the rest of the alicorns go? And, perhaps most importantly, why did our great Princess Celestia feel the need to cover up the truth with silly stories? Well, I can probably answer that last question right now. You see, Princess Celestia was trying to protect the population by keeping you all ignorant. So what was the deadly truth she was protecting you from? Well, she probably wouldn’t approve of this, but you’re about to see the truth the has been so carefully hidden. So, without further ado, I give you The Founding of Equestria.
[Curtains spread to reveal TEMPORUS, GALAXIS, SHAMROCK, LESPEDEZA, POLARIS, NOVA, FLAGRA, DOCTOR, and EXTRAS at a war meeting.
TEMP As you are all aware, these wars, which have been dubbed the Discordian Wars, have been going on for one month now. The recent arrival of Flagra has helped with our war efforts but unless we can find a way to stop Discord, I’m afraid these wars may never end.
GALA And if we can’t end these wars, not only will we likely be killed, but I doubt Discord would spare our children.
SHAM Which means that my boy Clover may never grow to be the strapping young stallion I always dreamed of.
POLA Not to mention my young Starswirl.
FLAG And Celestia and Luna and Floriana and Animia and all of these alicorns’ [gestures to EXTRAS] children as well. The point is, we need to do something about Discord. As you’re all aware by now, I have come from the future where the Discordian Wars have ended but there is little information about how they ended. It is for this reason that I have come to this time so that I might find out more about Discord to help in the future.
NOVA So we know that Discord can at least be stopped but how?
FLAG Well, in one of the times I have visited, I discovered the the Stones of Power were a collection of powerful artifacts that, when brought together, could be used to stop very powerful foes. They were known for stopping Discord at least once. However, their location will not be known for another 750 years. Any time before that, i.e. now, their exact locations is unknown.
LESP So why not track them down now? These Stones of Power seem to be just what we need.
FLAG While the Stones would be helpful, I’m afraid we don’t have the time. It took 7 years to track down the Stones in that time and in my research, I discovered that Discord is going to make a huge attack in just ten days.
TEMP Doctor, do you have any input to add?
DOCT Well, I have yet to visit some of the times that Flagra has so I can’t verify everything she says but I do know that the Stones of Power are inaccessible at this time. I also know that these wars were very short but very destructive, which means that they could end with this final battle. I propose we attack him before those ten days.
TEMP I agree. Discord was last sighted in the midwest, near the village of Winneapolis.
EXT1 You mean former village.
EXT2 She’s right. If Discord was there, then that village wouldn’t be there any more.
EXT3 So we go to the ruins of Winneapolis and find Discord and take him down.
EXT4 But how do we take him down? Everything we’ve tried has had no effect on him.
EXT5 So we try something else.
EXT6 Like what?
EXT7 I liked those Stones of Power. That sounded like a good idea.
EXT8 Weren't you listening? Those would take too long to find.
TEMP It seems that what we need is a new strategy. So here’s what we’ll do.
[Curtains close]
NARR [offstage] And so, they discussed battle strategies until they finally settled on one they all could agree on. Ten days later, they all flew out to what was once Winneapolis and found Discord who seemed to be waiting for them.
[Curtains reopen]
DISC Oh dear. It seems I have been surrounded by seventeen alicorns who think they stand a chance against me. Have you not realized that you ponies are the reason these wars have started.
TEMP Lies. You are the one who started these wars. And now, we’re going to end it.
DISC While it is true that I initiated the first attack, you all are the reason I started the wars. Specifically to do away with you silly alicorns. You see, I have been plotting my own demise for quite some time. However, I have discovered that the only way I can die is when all sentient life has ended. Thus I used my infinite power of chaos to enact the best way to finally end it all, For you see, while I do wish to end my own existence after trillions of years, I simply must do it in the most extravagant way. But I’m afraid you simpleton alicorns are no match for my power.
GALA You’re wrong! All of us together can take you down.
DISC Weren’t you listening? The only way I can die is by eradicating all sentient life. I don’t suppose you would help me with that so how do you plan on taking me down?
[GALAXIS fires magic laser from horn. DISCORD deflects it, hitting EXTRA 8 instead.]
DISC Did you really think that would work?
EXT7 [checking EXT8] He’s still alive but he’s not in good shape.
TEMP Take someone else to help you bring him back to the safehouse.
[EXTRAS 6 and 7 carry EXTRA 8 off stage left.]
TEMP Stick to the plan, dear.
GALA Sorry, I just got a little worked up.
DISC Ah yes. Temporus and Galaxis. You’ve got four girls at home, am I right? And let’s see who else we have here. Shamrock and Lespedeza, your boy is named Clover, correct? And here’s Polaris and Nova, the parents of Starswirl.
NOVA Don’t hurt them.
LESP Leave the children out of this.
DISC Ah, I always love how easily it is to anger mothers. All i have to do is mention their children and they get all protective. Not that it’ll do them much good. Worry not. I shall not hurt the children. At least, not physically. Though it would be a shame for them to grow up without parents.
DOCT I won’t let that happen.
DISC And what are you gonna do to stop me? Who even are you? I don’t believe we’ve met.
DOCT I’m the Doctor. And I don’t take kindly to monsters like you.
DISC Monster? I don’t see any monster here. All I see is a bunch of silly alicorns and a beautiful draconequus trying to put on a good show. But now that you’ve insulted me, I shall give you one hour to choose which of you I will kill. When that hour is up, I will kill half of everyone here.
FLAG And if we resist?
DISC Then I’ll just kill all of you.
NARR [offstage] Our heroes had to think fast. They only had an hour to try and find a way out of this. If they tried to run, Discord would kill them before they even took flight, If they tried to fight, he would likely win. How will our valiant group of alicorns take down the evil beast known as Discord?
DISC Your hour is up. Have you chosen who will die?
TEMP We have.
DISC Oh? Who then?
TEMP We chose you.
[Fighting breaks out with various forms of magic being fired at DISCORD and DISCORD causing immense amounts of chaos to break out. A few alicorns even tried simply punching DISCORD but to little effect. As the fight dies down, it is revealed that only five fighters remain alive: TEMPORUS, GALAXIS, FLAGRA, DOCTOR, and, of course, DISCORD]
DISC Is that really the best you have? [sigh] I grow weary of you weaklings. I’ve already killed 80% of your population and still you resist. So let’s make things more interesting, shall we? I will leave the four of you, your four daughters, Clover, and Starswirl alone. As for the rest of the alicorns, let’s split them up.
EXT8 [being pulled by DISCORD’s magic] W-What’s happening?
DISC [holding up EXTRA 8 with magic] Don’t worry, you won’t remember a thing.
[DISCORD’s magic separates EXTRA 8 into EXTRA 6 as a pegasus, EXTRA 7 as a unicorn, and EXTRA 8 as an earth pony.]
DISC There, now you can repopulate a little more easily. By my calculations, if all of the remaining 20% of alicorns are split like this, that would add up to 60% of the original population. But of course these little ponies will need a ruler. Someone to lead them. This is why I left you alive. Temporus and Galaxis, congratulations. You are the new king and queen of the ponies. I’ll be back in a few centuries. That should be enough time for you to establish a good nation. I expect things to be more fun when I return.
[Curtains close]
NARR [Enters stage right with spotlight following] As Discord flew off to unknown places, our four remaining heroes gathered their fallen brethren to pay their respects. They returned to the safe house greeting every amnesiatic pony along the way. Temporus and Galaxis took in Clover and Starswirl as their nephews and raised them to the legends that they have come to be known as. They began establishing a form of government with Temporus and Galaxis as it’s heads. They applied this government to the new forms of ponies that had been created and founded their nation which they called Equestria. And nearly 2000 years later, this great nation of Equestria still stands strong, ready to face anything that comes its way. [bows]
[Stage lights turned on. Actors start entering from either side of the stage. Once all actors have entered the stage, they all bow then exit.]
Prologue
“Mr. Stern, get in the cryogenic pod! This is a lost cause, only the pods can protect us from the end of the world!” I was an intern at NASA, studying physics. We were on exchange in Switzerland to use the Large Hadron Collider. It was just my luck that this particular experiment resulted in the worst case scenario: the collision of the particles created a black hole. Normally this is a normal part of colliding particles but this time was different; this time, the black hole was larger. What was even more interesting, is that this was an organic black hole, only consuming living things. It was not so much the end of the world but rather the end of life on earth. I don't know how it was able to break out of the collider and I'm also not sure how it affected all other life on the planet, but somehow it was a very picky black hole, almost as though it was able to think about what it consumed. It was somehow able to get through inorganic matter to consume organic matter and for whatever reason, the hundred of us in the cryogenic chambers were unaffected. All I know for sure is that all life other than those of us in suspended life was consumed by the black hole. Surely, though, life can be created again, after this abomination of physics runs out of organic matter to consume and flickers out of existence.
So I entered one of the one hundred cryogenic chambers, as I was told to do, and waited for my life to resume. We had set the tubes to open the first one when the conditions on the planet were stable enough for life. Whoever was out first would test the environment. If they survived one year on the planet, they would let the others out; if not, the next person would be released when whatever killed the previous person was gone from the earth. We had the computer set to scan the environment continuously so it would know when to release each person.
And so it was that I waited in suspended life, waiting for the world to be safe enough to repopulate. Little did I know that many dangers would face our exclusive group of scientists.
When I finally awoke, I was shocked to find that I was the last. It would seem that the earth has been a deadly place for mankind. Doing as I was told to do when I was awake, I approached the computer at the center of the room. I was very happy that this was one of the first voice controlled computers because the mouse and keyboard had long since degraded. “Computer, how long has it been since the incident occurred?” I asked it.
“Please specify.”
“Fucking technology. Fine, how long ago was all life on earth sucked into the organic blackhole.”
“Incident occurred [INVALID INPUT] years ago.”
“Invalid input? Well, it seems the computer has been damaged in the however-many years since it was last used. Computer, what is the current dominant species?”
“Scanning………Unknown.”
“Hmm, well, looks like I get to explore. I’ll need to take some food.” I opened the lab’s disaster-prep box to grab food and anything else I might need that I didn’t already carry on my person. I searched for a good ten minutes before I realized something: All food is made out of organic material, isn’t it? Shit! “Looks like I’m going without food, I’ll have to get something on the way to civilization. Computer, print off recipes for all dishes made with obscure plants.”
“Out of paper.”
“Fucking, ugh.” I went to find some paper but none was to be found, then I remembered that paper came from trees, which were organic. Why didn’t we make printers that didn’t require paper? “Computer, cancel the last requested task. Instead, just search for all recipes for obscure plants.”
“No recipes found.”
“Ok, how about recipes for apples?”
“No recipes found.”
“Seriously, there should be like, over eight hundred apple recipes. What gives?”
“Question invalid.”
“Shut up, computer.”
“Invalid request.”
…
“Whatever, I’m gonna go attempt to make some food out of whatever I can find.” As I left the building, I saw how much time had deteriorated the place. There were holes in the ceiling, the walls looked like they were barely standing and when I got outside, the whole place actually collapsed behind me. “Well, that was a little cliche. Also, shit! Now, I can’t use the computer, not that it had helped me much anyways. Oh well.”What the absolute fuck?!