Apple Milk

Business for Apple Milk was starting to pick up, and it was starting to attract some attention from the higher echelon of ponies who were in a more close proximity to their dearly beloved princess, the pardoned one who nearly enveloped the land in eternal darkness, and a nerd who became an alicorn for some reason or another. The growing popularity naturally required that investigation be carried out to determine the addictiveness of the substance so that it is not a repeat of the ecto-cooler and Catrina incident again. As such, the newly appointed princess, Twilight Sparkle, descended from on high and began her research. At least, that’s what she would put in the report. Really it was just an excuse to visit Ponyville again, which upon her arrival seemed to be a lot more covered in bile than usual.

Twilight saw a line that extended so far that the booth that it led to could not be found in sight to even a pony armed with a telescope, however with the humility of a commoner she took her place at the rear end of the line. It seemed as though eons have passed, as the line inched ever so slowly towards its destination, however she knew that such was necessary so as to find the revelation of Apple Milk.

Though the waiting was as boring as one would expect, it certainly was not uneventful, as Twilight saw body after body collapsing in the line and being dragged off to a ditch on the side of the road. It was clear they were all alive, but they wouldn’t be getting their spots back because of the royal dictation of no butting in line. This is especially true after that one time some red guy with a pipe wrench came and started going nuts, but many laws have been put in place so as to never speak of that moment ever again.

Another oddity was that one of the satisfied customers was a mother of ripe young age who had a stroller and a plank of wood tied to a string to pull around items along the dirt road. As should be expected, her infant was on the plank of wood and the bottle of cider was placed in the stroller. Every so often the child would fall off the plank of wood, but the mother being as attentive as a mother should be, ignored it every time, leaving it to constantly try and keep up with the mother and climb up back on the board each time. Before she disappeared from sight, Twilight could have sworn that she heard something along the lines of “Hey, let’s take a trip through that thorn patch!” With that, Twilight hoped that they did not live in a motel isolated in the middle of no-where.

After quite a great deal of time, Twilight finally arrived at the stand headed by some ancient pony. Now was the time to test out all the skill she learned regarding special operations, undercover tactics, and charisma from magic kindergarten. “Hello, I’d like to purchase a glass of Apple Milk please.” Genius.

“Next booth missy.” Said the elder. Twilight studied the prune face of this old bat vigorously and could tell she was lying, and subsequently made a mental note to throw her in the dungeon after the investigation was over. Regardless, this well of information seemed to be dry, and so Twilight relinquished her place in line to the next pony, but just as she had she saw a booth with juvenile scribbles written on a hanging sign above it that offended every sense she had. She could not let such a travesty go unpunished so she went on to investigate so that she may throw the culprit of such a literary crime in the dungeon. Her expertise, of course, led her to young Applebloom who was managing the booth from behind.

Twilight stood in front of the booth, and with the infiltration skills of even the most skilled saboteur and spy, she gathered her information. “Hey Applebloom, what are you selling?”

“Oh, howdy Twilight! Fancy seein’ you here. I got myself a hot new drink called Apple Milk, wanna try some?”

At last! Her astounding prowess has finally made her search fruitful. With ever the wit, she knew that she still had Applebloom’s trust and could use her as a lead for any other narcotic investigations, so it would be best if she acquired the evidence as sly as she could. “Alright, sure. But I’m going to need plenty of it. I’m sure many of the folks in Canterlot would appreciate it.” Ha, ‘folks’, throwing in slang is certain to make this young dealer comply.

“Well, I guess, but one jug is all I have, what with all the business lately. Anyways, here you are!” She placed a large glass jug filled with thick white paste on the counter of the hick construction. Twilight, with all the grace of a princess, lifted it up with the power of magic. “I suppose that’s it for today. Hey Big Mac, help me put away the stand!”

Both Applebloom and Twilight could hardly react when a gust of wind followed by a flurry of crimson color caused a miniature tornado surrounding the two before it disappeared in the distance. And after the whole ordeal was over, in the stands place was a pile of wooden boards, a bucket of nails, and the wooden sign.

“What was that?” Exclaimed Twilight.

“Oh, that was Big Mac. He’s been like that all day.”

“Has he been sleeping in an oxygen tent or something?”

“No, I’m pretty sure I’d notice that.”

“I see.” Twilight then observed the jug carefully. “And is this all natural?”

“Yes ma’m.”

“Well, that explains a lot.” And without another word Twilight returned back to Canterlot.

When Twilight returned, she immediately went to her laboratory to perform some tests. The first of which being to determine whether or not the drink was poisonous. “Spike! Come here please.” In a moment a small purple reptilian with green fins entered the room and quickly approached her. It’s gait was shameful, and Twilight made yet another mental note to see about testing her new correctional techniques later to fix this. However in the meanwhile she knew she must focus on the task at hand. “Here, drink this.” She said, pouring a glass full of the pearl jam.

Spike was elated and practically jumped with joy, though his stout form refused him this action. Regardless, he took the glass and quickly swallowed the contents. Licking his lips, his first response was a belch followed by “I think I tasted this before, what is it?”

Twilight did not respond, after all she had no reason to address the test subject. Instead, she studied him. “Alright, it seems like nothing has changed. How are you feeling?”

“Well I feel alright. What was that stuff you gave me?”

“Intriguing.” As is the common course of action in any scientific experiment, she had a glass of the groggy substance herself. Immediately she was awash with the taste of spinach which nearly made her heave, but she kept herself from degrading her alicorn appearance with such a commoner act. “Thank you Spike, that’ll be all. Now go in your room until I require your assistance.”

The loyal dragon nodded and left the room. With the distraction gone, she set to work on experimenting on the substance to determine its origin. She knew she had tasted it before, but still she could not exactly place where or by relation what it was. She placed a good portion into one of the many beakers she had and set it into a contraption composed of tubes and glass and began to mix in all manner of potion and ingredient, observing the reactions they had. It began to bubble, and then it turned red. She thought this was a rather disquieting reaction and began to back away, knowing nothing good could come of this. But before she could retreat to the safety of the closet, there was a loud explosion that blasted her against a wall, knocking her unconscious.

Both the room and Twilight were covered in violent streaks of maroon, though Twilight was more damaged and covered in a number of slashes from the exploding glass. They were superficial wounds, though the red viscera that coated the room greatly exaggerated this. Naturally this noise attracted the presence of Spike, who came into the room.

“What was that noise?” He searched and quickly found Twilight laying splayed across the floor and wall and immediately rushed to her, shaking her with his claws. “Twilight? Twilight! Wake up Twilight!” But it was all to no avail. Her limp body would not awaken. And what's worse, Spike wasn’t the only one that the explosion attracted. A few guards followed into the room, taking in the scene that displayed a crime which Equestria has never known. A crime that could have only been committed by the most vile of creatures. So obviously they arrested the dragon. Although arrest is being generous as he was taken and thrown in jail as he was caught most literally red handed.

Twilight awoke several hours later, and after having the castle staff clean after the mess and washing herself, she returned to her princessly duties. But yet something kept pressing in the back of her mind, as though she forgot something. Oh well, it would have to wait until after she sent her report to the princess.