Pinkies

Four Pinkie Pies, Dawn, John, Dan and Elias gathered in a circle talking in urgent tones uncharacteristic of the pink party pony. Plotting might be too strong a word. To call this a plot would imply that there was something nefarious going on. Plots are not allowed under any circumstances, and certainly not when they develop into fully mature schemes. This was more like a discussion, a brainstorming let's say.

“OK so you're a unicorn,” John pointed out.

“Yes and before you ask I can't explain magic,” Dan answered.

“You don't need to explain shi-” John started before replacing his word with “immering force fields.”

“Is it like in the show for you, John?” Elias urged, “Are you compelled not to swear?”

“No it's like... I sound like Pinkie Pie. Do you ever want to hear Pinkie Pie cursing like a sailor?”

Elias quietly nodded. “I see.” Her Pinkie Pie was entirely different from the Pinkie Pie John knew from the show. Not to say it was exactly like Fluttershy had come to possess Pinkie Pie's body, but it was exactly like Fluttershy had come to possess Pinkie Pie's body.

“Elias, could you say the phrase Stay Outta My Shed?” Dan asked with a twinkling mirth popping up in Pinkie Pie's—in Dan's eyes.

“No,” was all Elias would respond with.

“Ugh, boys,” Dawn rolled her eyes. “Let's focus on what we know so we can figure this out and get on with my normal and your abnormal lives.”

“Uh Dawn,” John spoke up again.

“What?”

“We're all Pinkie Pie.” he said.

“In a manner of speaking,” Elias added helpfully.

“Brilliant deduction Holmes!” Dawn said acidly, though it came out as just tartly, with a bit of a bite, not unlike a twist of lemon. “Any other tidbits of wisdom you want to bestow on us?”

John nodded, gulping a bit. “Pinkie Pie is a girl.”

Dawn facehoofed, which actually doesn't involve whacking your face with a hoof so much as lowering your forehead onto said hoof safely and gently. “So?”

“So....... there are no boys here!” John uttered excitedly. Sort of excitedly. Throwing his hooves up. It made him look excited, right? Not terrified?

Dawn started to retort but then her Pinkie Pie looked like it just saw the headlights of an oncoming truck. “Oh,” she said, blushing furiously and moving to stare a hole into the carpet.

“Moving on then,” Dan muttered. She was the most comfortable of the four with this genderiffic development, but she would never admit that in a million years. “Whatever this phenomenon is, the only thing we all share in common, assuming Ricky also changed into Pinkie Pie,”

“I think that's a guarantee at this point,” Dawn muttered.

“So,” Dan went on, “Whatever it is the only thing we all share in common is BJ's Delicatessan!”

“That sounds about right,” Dawn agreed. “I was working the counter with Alice on the register, and Greg was in the back slicing meats.” John snickered at the way she sounded saying the word “meats.” “meats” should never sound so adorable coming from the mouth of a pony.

“SLICING MEAT,” her growly Pinkie Pie voice interrupted his reverie. Was her hair ever going to poof out? John suspected not. Maybe she needed a Rainboom or three.

“And Paul was stocking the vegetable trays,” Dawn continued. “The next shift didn't come until the evening I um... don't really know anyone on that shift.”

“What about all the customers?” Elias offered. “We weren't the only ones there.”

“And considering how much of the world knows about ponies,” John trailed off.

“Nobody else in that deli is likely to know who or what Pinkie Pie is,” Dan finished for him.

“Oh, what are we going to do?” Elias sighed, rubbing at her eyes with one hoof. She'd been through just about every emotional ringer known to man or ponykind, John suspected, if Elias's Pinkie Pie were anywhere near as anxiety prone as the show's Fluttershy. He laid a hoof across her back, hugging gently. “We'll get through this Elias,” he asserted, but Elias shrunk from his touch almost seeming a bit... angry?

“What about my school, and my internship, and my career,” she said in that same sad tone at which they'd all learned to love and despair. John didn't try to grab the distraught little pony, but thumped her on the back gently. It still provoked a squeak from her mouth. “Hey if they don't let you do any of that you can just sue for pony racism!”

“Pony racism?” Dawn blinked, then raised one eyebrow...eyeball... thing.

“Pony racism.” That was John's story and he was sticking with it. Elias just sat quietly not even sobbing or anything. John hoped she'd come out of her uh... fluttershell soon though, because he uh, they really wanted to help her.

“We need to go to the deli,” Dan stated out of the blue.

“Woah, where did that come from?” Dawn seemed to be genuinely surprised at the change in topic.

“I was trying to say that this whole time,” Dan said flatly, er, melodically, flat melodically. “We can worry about our personal problems later.”

“I wonder why you're a unicorn though,” John cut in. “Pinkie Pie is certainly not a unicorn! The universe would implode.”

“I think we're not really Pinkie Pie,” Dan said, “Just close to Pinkie Pie. Maybe we're turning into fan interpretations of Pinkie Pie? I know for a fact there are at least two blogs with a unicorn Pinkie.”

“Whatever, so how are we going to do this?”

“It's across town and in broad daylight,” Dan said, “So we'll have to drive. We can't wait until night because the dimension whatever thingy,” John laughed at that but Dan ignored him, “Could close or disappear. Every second counts here.”

“Also the other customers changed into Pinkie Pie too,” Dawn said.

“Exactly,” Dan agreed, “And where's the first place they'll go?”

“Ooh Ooh,” John squeaked “I know this one!”

Dan facehoofed. Actually she gripped the bridge of her nose and rubbed it exasperatedly, but it was basically the same thing as a face hoof.

“They went to Equestria!” John announced with gusto.

“No.” Dan responded.

“They went to their relatives' house!” John tried again.

“No.”

“They went to the deli!” John said in the same exaggerated excitement.

“No,” Dan blinked, “Wait, yes!”

Dawn snorted.

“There might be a lot of confused people...er... ponies at the deli, and as the only ones who know what's going on,”

“We don't know what's going on,” John whispered to Elias. Dan ignored him.

“We stand the best chance of cracking the case,” Dan finished. Wait no she was still going. “Dawn will  drive since she managed to figure out how and the rest of us can crouch below the windows. With luck even this bright pink uh... fur won't attract attention that way.”

“It's true,” Elias piped up, lifting her head again. “Nobody looks into cars. They're just cars, not people.” The way she described it seemed terribly sad for some reason. John wanted to hug the potatoes out of her really he did. But he mightily resisted, in the name of masculinity what shreds they might retain as pretty pink fillies.

“So let's get moving,” Dan barked, standing up. Well, slowly putting one hoof after another down until he was in a standing position. Elias seemed to stand up more easily. John having the most experience hopped up and promptly fell over screaming “Aaah Charlie Horse!”

Dawn managed too to rise while John wrapped his forehooves around the leg whimpering as the pressure and tension forced it to relax. Then John was the first one to stand up, and the best at it too!

Taking a quick look outside, Dan beckoned with his hoof. The four of them snuck outside as quietly as four clumsy humans gone pony could, but there was nobody in the other houses nearby, or any cars in any of the driveways. Really they didn't need to worry at all. Dan's concerns aside, Godzilla could walk through your average suburb in the midwest without anyone being around to see it during the day. But safe, and not sorry, the ponies reached the shabby beaten 4-door sedan.

Dawn and Dan got in pretty easily, but Elias seemed to have trouble getting up the threshold into the vehicle. Pushing her aside John planted his feet, er, hooves and announced, “Pinkie Pie, dedicated stairwell and elevator at your service!” Elias actually laughed a little at that. She seemed more touched than humored though. With no further ado she climbed up the improvised stairs from John to the sedan. Once safely inside, John leapt into it with a single bounce, then pulled the door closed with his tail.

It briefly occurred to John that a habit of this would really cut down on forgetting one's tail and getting it caught in doors.

Once inside Dan remarked, “Platform shoes? Really?”

“Quiet,” Dawn shushed. “I have an odd roommate.” Dawn had indeed taken a pair of platform shoes, and what looked like a dozen socks and a tangle of string and rubberbands and made what effectively amounted to hoof extenders. She could stick her hoof into where the foot would go and get enough leverage to hold them up (but not on) and use them to push the pedals.

“That's pretty brilliant actually,” Dan admitted. “Wish I'd have thought of that. I had to sneak here through backyards and shi-stuff” he finished at a withering glance from John.

“Aren't you a unicorn?” Dawn said, “Can't you move the pedals with your freaky telekinesis?”

“That's--” Dan kind of froze there, mouth hanging open. Wow. Someone upstaged Dan. John gained a newfound respect for Dawn.

The decision was made. Dan was driving. Under her stern and level headed guidance they reached their destiation without anything interesting happening at all or no they ran into a telephone pole.

“Dan what are you doing??” Dawn shrieked

“I'm having trouble accelerating!” she shrieked back, slowly crawling out from the light which had just turned green.

“You push down the pedal!” Dawn rebuffed hotly. John and Elias just clung to each other cowering in fear.

“I know!” Dan shot back, “It's just hard to ack” her horn flared and the car leapt forward, only the unicorn's fast reflexes keeping it from hitting the car in front of them, swerving instead to run directly into a telephone pole on the side of the road. The predictable sound of a radiator hiss punctuated the sudden silence. That was about when they noticed the police car pulling out of the drive through parking lot.

“Oh no a ticket trap!” Dawn shouted, diving underneath the glove compartment. It didn't work at all to hide the small pink filly though as her smooth shiny tail crowning a big fat rump just couldn't seem to squeeze under there. Dan revved the engine frutilessly.

“Dan, hide!” Dawn hissed.

“Hide?!” Dan hissed back, “He saw me wrap around a pole. We're sitting ducks!”

“OK guys every bone in my pink marshmallow body is saying we should run,” John uttered from the back, going for the door.

“We can't run it's the cops!” Dan moaned.

“No you're right,” John murmured. “It's the wrong time to run.”

Dan nodded. “We've got to respect the law or we're going to end up in jail.” The twitching of her eye and different sized pupils sort of belayed her calm tone, but she was staring forward fixedly, so there was no way anybody could see that.

Officer Hugh Bass approached the offending vehicle. He licked his lips at the delicatble commission this ticket was going to get him. The courts would throw the book at this flagrant traffic violation. He composed himself and strode up to the side of the vehicle lifting his notebook as the window rolled down to reveal a bright pink pony with big curly hair smiling at him beneficiently with comforting innocent eyes.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?” Dan said a bit too sweetly.

Officer Hugh Bass froze in place, unable to answer as his brain leapt out of his head and took a vacation to the beautiful shores of Cancun.

“OK...” came a lady's voice from the back seat, “Now!”

“Now what?” came another voice.

“Run! Now!”

The four ponies peeled out of the vehicle as the officer stood immobile, then some flickering of a predator's instinct awoke his paralyzed brain. “Stop, police!” he barked, climbing over the doomed vehicle to apprehend the ponies.

If he'd have thought about it, trying to outrun ponies is a bit of a lost cause. The important thing is however, that they hadn't thought about that either, and kept up a dead run down the street, screeching at the edge of a street corner before disappearing to the left in a blur of pink.

“We're going to jail we're going to jail,” Dan was chanting frantically. “Chill!” John said, “We're ponies we can't go to jail!”

“We're going to be glue we're going to be glue”

“NOT HELPING DAWN”

This probably would have continued indefinitely, but for a butterfly in Cancun. Flapping its wings mightily it set forth a chain of events that culminated in the failure of two very important clothes pins. Drifting gently down in the breezy late morning as the pink ponies charged closer, distantly but closer. Their speed matched perfectly with the clothing item, and soon the two in front were completely enveloped in blue and white striped pajamas.

“What the-” came a voice, either Dan or Dawn's it was impossible to tell and Dan shook her head vainly to dislodge the cloth, unable to disengage her legs from run like the fiery abyss of eternal torment mode. As she slowed John called out from behind “Don't stop!” because at that moment a police car turned the corner, its lights flashing ominously as it closed the distance to the ponies.

“Left! Lean left!” John shouted, trying to see over the flapping pajama legs. They turned left right onto someone's well manicured lawn, “Too left!” he yelled, “Right! Go right!”

Dawn and Elias ran into each other, trying to go different directions, the two thudding like neck and neck cars trying to run each other off the road.

“Too right!” John shouted to no avail as they curved around the lawn and ran directly into a wooden fence, coming to a crashing halt as the four piled together and the fence cracked under the sudden impact. As the ponies were struggling to right themselves the other consequence of hitting the fence at high velocity became apparent, that is to say a rather large tomcat who had been walking along the top was no longer walking along the top, but instead tumbling in a slow arc down from above, its tail rorating like a rotor to ensure all four of its big clawed paws were facing directly downward.

Dawn shrieked, jumping up and running blindly, The cat clinging to the pajamas covering her face. The other three shot after her, but with a head start and claws digging into her face Dawn was much too hard to pace. This might have ended in disaster had she not begun running down a very busy road in the wrong direction, somehow avoiding collisions with the cars and the surrounding beatific scenery of a sleepy downtown area. Police forgotten (and hopelessly lost at this point) John leapt into the air, this somehow propelling him forward fast enough to land on Dawn's back, producing another shriek from both her and the cat. Instead of jumping off, the cat started swiping at John with its free paw, and John stuck his hoof out trying to dislodge it from Dawn's face. It was working! Ignoring his pretty pink hoof getting liberally lined with red welts from cat scratches he managed to unbalance the cat enough that it went spinning (literally) off of Dawn's head and crashed into a nearby waste recepticle, upsetting the trash can and spilling used burger wrappers and beer cans everywhere. The cat was OK though, if dazed. No cats were harmed in the making of this scene. Straddling the running pony and with a flourish John swept the pajamas off of Dawn's face with his forehooves and announced “We're here!”

Dawn's four hooves stuck out stiffly, raising a cloud of dust as they skidded across the sidewalk. She would have missed running into the brick wall alongside the deli, but Dan and (surprisingly Elias (going “oh no oh no oh no” the whole time)) at full speed boosted her the rest of the way and the four ponies collided then met with the brick wall. There were no survivors, except for four ponies. Who all were Pinkie Pie for some reason.

“We're... here...” came John's dizzy but triumphant groan. As his consciousness faded above him he thought he saw Pinkie Pie standing over them worriedly, and then Pinkie Pie next to Pinkie Pie. Oh there's a third oh nighty night now.