"Thou used to be cool"

"Dearest sister, I understand you're having trouble adjusting, but... we have a reputation to maintain."

"But... We find it silly, sister. Why can we— I mean, I — not proposition a stallion for sex?" Luna asked, pouting.

"Well... It's not that you... Well, you can. It's just that there are social stigmas against presenting to a stallion you've never met before..." She paused, going over the details of the story in her mind, trying to pick out the most unacceptable bits, "...in a public restaurant..." Celestia frowned. "...During a foal's birthday party."

"We were merely introducing ourselves. Did you not tell us to be forward and familiar with our subjects?"

Celestia sighed deeply. "Things aren't so direct anymore, Luna. Ponies have grown to be uncomfortable with their sexuality. It's not like it was in the early days of the post-Discordant era..."

Luna smiled in remembrance. "We had two stallions for every day of the month... There were none who did not wish for the embrace of their princesses."

"Quite. Well, now, it is best to stick to the Royal Harem."

"I do not trust her, sister. She has no penis. What, pray tell, is she fucking me with?"

A guard blushed and cleared his throat, and the royal scribe peeked up from her parchment.

"Please, sister, watch your language while we are attending court. Perhaps this conversation can wait until we have settled all other matters?"

"We appreciate the services she offers, but are wary of their quality. A real stallion is favorable. We wish to be drenched in seed, and to bask in the afterglow of intense lovemaking. Her ejaculate tastes strange, and fades over time. We wish to lick, and suck, and straddle... And to have all these things done to us as well."

The guard to Luna's left shifted uncomfortably as he tried to hide his growing erection.

"Well, a stallion must be approached with more tact. He should know your name before he knows your smell."

"How can he be sure he will enjoy my taste if he does not smell me prior?"

"Usually ponies don't worry about either of those for a day at the very least."

"An entire day?" Luna asked, shocked, "What should occupy the intermittent period?"

"Well, getting to know each other, light conversation..."

"We are supposed to spend the whole day on meaningless conversation in order to couple? What am I to learn from these foals? I have circled the Earth more times than they have seen the Sun rise!" She glanced at the guard to her side. "No offense."

"That's a minimum, Luna. Many ponies tend to wait for well over a week."

"That is ridiculous. You there—" She addressed the guard to her side again. He glanced up, his eyes full of terror and embarrassment. "—You appear to be ready for coitus! Would you care to mount me?"

He only blinked in shock, as he tried to think back to his guard training, hoping that he had learned something about how to deal with this situation.

He hadn't.

Luna dropped down from her throne and placed her hind-quarters in the stallion's face. "Have at us. We are prepared to be filled with your genital excretions."

He gulped, and looked over to the other guard, who leaned his head to the side and widened his eyes as if to say, 'you'd better do it.'

The guard threw his forelegs up over her rump, and began attempting to mount her, though her height made the task challenging. He pulled himself up, trying to get himself aligned, and his hind legs fumbled in the air, trying to find a foot-hold. All the while, Luna was smirking cheekily. She knew he couldn't reach and that his struggles would only make the act that much more conspicuous.

"Please, not in the middle of the courtroom," Celestia requested, resting her face in her hoof. "Ponies have ended up in this room defending themselves from the law for less than you've done today."

"We have an appetite that must be satiated, sister."

"As do I, Luna. But there is a time and a place for everything. That time is not now and that place, not here."

"Well, if it is of such importance to you that We stop, you could simply use your tongue to—"

"Not. Now. Luna." Celestia hissed, as she gave a death-glare to the scribe. In response, the note-taking mare magically tore up the most recent page from the notepad and set it aflame.

"You used to be cool, sister," Luna blurted as she shook the guard loose, returning to her throne.

Celestia tried to ignore her and faced forward.

Luna leaned towards her. "Sister, did you hear Us? We have posited that you are no longer cool."

"Yes. I heard you," Celestia replied dryly.

"By stating it in the past-tense, We have insinuated that this is no longer the case."

"I still understand grammar, Luna."

They both sat in silence. At first, both princesses wore a blank stare, but gradually, almost as though happiness was slowly being siphoned out of Celestia and into Luna, Luna's mouth curved into a smile, and Celestia's eyes fell.

"I'm still cool..."

"You are not."

"I am still cool!"

"Absurdity! When was the last time you coupled?"

"That's private."

"Our cool sister would have told Us."

"Fine. It was on Tuesday."

"The harem does not count."

"What?" Celestia's eyes darted.

"When was the last time you mated with a real pony?"

"That is not kind." Celestia leaned towards her sister and glared. "She is a real pony, and she has feelings."

"She is an insect!"

The guards exchanged uncertain glances. Whatever it was that the princesses were talking about was beyond them, and it was probably for the best that they did not understand.

"I say that the harem counts."

"We dictate that it does not. So tell us, sister, when did you last lay with a pony?"

"This is immature and improper. I will not succumb to this."

"Oh, embarrassed?" Luna asked, with a sing-songy cocky tone.

"I'm not embarrassed."

"Then tell Us!"

"I refuse."

"You banish your sister for a thousand years, and when she returns, all she wants to do is get to know you. What do you do? You deny her that simple pleasure."

"That is-" Celestia caught herself, speechless. One of the guards coughed. Nobody made eye contact.

With a long sigh, Celestia finally gave in and mumbled something incoherently.

"What was that?"

"Uhmuhjabunnyersago"

"We didn't quite get that, sister."

Celestia looked around guiltily, before leaning in towards Luna to whisper with careful enunciation, "one hundred and twenty years ago."

Luna gasped. "We were not even celibate for that long during our banishment, sister. How can you even think straight?"

"I have the harem. That is enough." She turned her head to face the door again, not wanting to look into Luna's eyes any longer.

"You have simply forgotten what it is like to feel the affections of a real stallion."

"I remember just as you do, Luna."

"Do you? Do you remember how it feels to be stretched to your breaking point by a stallion's massive endowment?"

Celestia's normally unbreachable stoicism failed, and she blushed. "It's been centuries since I knew a stallion big enough to even come close to that."

"Do you remember the feeling of hot pre-cum filling up your void spaces and spilling out onto the ground?"

"Yes, Luna..." Celestia replied, squirming uncomfortably in her seat.

"The feeling of a stallion's seed being pumped into you, and the unique feeling of each sperm trying to crack the code of your ovum— trying to make you a mother of foals..."

"You know that's impossible Luna, I cannot be impre—"

"But the feeling is there, just as it is for all other mares. A genetic intimacy, a mixing of innate magicks..."

Celestia's face reddened. "That part was always more of your thing... Egghead."

"You... You haven't called me that for eons!"

"There are... Many things I haven't done in eons."

"So you would agree with me, then?"

"Perhaps not completely; I consider myself quite satisfied, though I may have been missing out on certain things recently."

Luna leaned in expectantly. "So are my actions really so unreasonable?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, sister, you were always a stick in the mud."

"I'm not telling you you can't seek the company of stallions. I'm only requesting that you do so with a little more grace."

"We are the very picture of grace." She turned to face the guard. "ARE WE NOT?"

Again, he looked quite distraught, but he was saved by Celestia. "No, Luna, you're not. Screaming at the top of your lungs is no longer considered graceful."

"You have become senile and asinine, sister. MY SUBJECTS ARE INSPIRED AND AROUSED BY THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE!" She said as she turned to face the guard, grinning expectantly.

He nodded in desperate agreement.

Celestia collapsed a little into her seat. It was going to be a long day. And judging by Luna's progress in becoming re-socialized... A long century. Not to mention the fact that Luna's musings on the finer points of sex had made her a little bit aroused, and it wasn't appropriate to take care of that. Not here. Not now. Celestia thought of ducking out for a moment, and taking a 'bathroom break'.

There was a knock at the door.

Horsefeathers.

Celestia begrudgingly opened the door with her magic, allowing an important-looking brown guardspony to enter. He was adorned with royal armor of yellow and black, an emblem of fire adorning the flank-plate.

The fire marshal removed his helmet, as was customary and courteous, and bowed.

Luna leaned towards Celestia and whispered, "he's callipygian..."

"What?"

"His buttocks. They are well-formed."

Celestia glared at her sister. "Shh..."

The guardspony stood up and moved forward and took a seat before the princesses.

Celestia sat up a little taller, as though an invisible thread was tugging on her head. Ruling is just as much about image as it is about wisdom— to lose the support of one's subjects is to lose both the power and the meaning of her position. "Grandmarshal Ember, we are honored with your presence as always... We understand you would like to discuss budgeting for fire control."

"Yes, my lady," he replied, ducking his head a little lower. He did not lower himself so much that he seemed beaten down, but enough that Celestia's air of power and dominance was affirmed. "I very humbly request an increase to my budget of roughly five percent. There have been more fires than usual lately, and the ponies I employ have been putting their lives on the line to face them. That is, of course, not to mention the increased rate of damage to our equipment."

"Surely, they deserve more pay for their heroic services. That said, we only have so many bits to work with, and I can only divert so much from other services."

"Understood, Princess. I look forward to hearing your ruling on the matter."

"Perhaps you could direct some funding from the harem," Luna muttered under her breath.

The Grandmarshal looked to Luna. "Excuse me, Princess?"

"I'll have you know that's not even one percent of one percent of one percent of the nation's budget, sister," Celestia hissed in reply.

"He's not asking for much more than that..."

"I shall return at another time—"

"No," Luna insisted, "please stay. Bear witness to my sister and I as we deliberate. You may have valuable input."

Celestia laughed nervously. "No, no, I assure you we will find you the money. No need for you to st-st-STAY." Celestia's eyes clenched and she stamped her hoof down on her throne. "LUNA!"

"What?" Luna asked, as she looked the other direction, a subtle glow on her horn dying down. "I didn't do anything."

The fire marshal began backing out.

Luna lurched forward with a sudden wild passion in her eyes. "I insist you stay!"

He paused.

"No, pleassssse get —Ooooohfff— Out." Celestia shut her eyes as she attempted to meditate and shut out the feeling of Luna's probing, magical touch. "LuuuuuuuUUUUUNA... You are... are definitely cro-AH-AH-AH-OSSSING the liNE right now..." She tried to take a deep breath, but it was interrupted by short, punctual gasps, as Luna altered her methods.

"So, can we count on you to shut down that silly little program?" Luna asked, with a devilish smile.

"Luna, it's nNNNNNNOt what you thiNK. If you'll g-g-gIVE me a CHANCE to explain in priVAT-T-T-TE..."

"No need, I understand all I need to. So where is the Fire Marshal going to get his— WOOOH!" Luna drew a sharp breath as Celestia's horn illuminated.

For the fire marshal, who could not see either princess' undercarriage, this was all very confusing. "Soo... Yes. I am glad to hear that I will be getting that funding... I can see that you two are hard at work... deliberating, so I um... Yeah. Bye."

"No- WAiiaiaiaiaai— Eep!" With that final distraction, the fire marshal slipped out the door, and Celestia ceased her magical manipulation of her sister's groin. "I thought you didn't want to play, Tia..."

"It's not a game, Luna. You never did take our court duties seriou—"

"And why should We? We should have relegated most of these decisions over a millennium ago. We swear, next you'll be signing bills into law that dictate the number of times a pony must wipe his or her ass."

"All that aside, I thought it would have gone without saying that you are not to molest me while we are meeting an official."

"Why not?"

"Well, for starters, at some point it became the popular consensus that we are literally sisters."

"Quite silly, for sooth, but what would be the problem with that?"

"Luna, you must be kidding!"

"Oh, please, it's not as though sisters can accidentally beget inbred offspring."

"That's not the whole reason, Luna. It just freaks ponies out. They have an innate aversion to it."

"Well, if I wish to touch my Tia inappropriately, then they will just have to deal with the fact that we are not sisters." Luna replied, as she suddenly moved to drop her head into Celestia's lap.

Celestia pushed back magically, with a distinct lack of enthusiasm regarding the subject. "Additionally, as we were discussing prior to the Fire Marshal's arrival, public indecency laws are very strict now."

"Public... Indecency?"

"Right... A little after your time... It is unacceptable for a pony to commit a lewd act outside the privacy of their home."

"Lood?" Luna asked, arching an eyebrow.

Celestia looked around, wracking her brain, trying to determine the best way to explain it to someone like Luna.

"A lewd act is a sexual act that is considered offensive."

"Such as... The consumption of defecation?"

Celestia jerked back in shock. "Well... That would be on the extreme side of things..."

"Extreme? That is the only thing We can think of that even borders on offensive! Unless-" She grimaced. "-Thou art suggesting that ponies today engage in necrophilia..."

"No! No... Not like that..." Celestia slumped in her chair and rubbed her eyes. "Luna... Please, as I am afraid I do not remember... Was I once like you are now?"

"How do you mean?"

"Was I ever as... Sexual, as you? I know I was more so than I am today, but... I cannot imagine myself ever thinking that what you're saying is okay."

"To Our knowledge, you never ingested excrement, if that is what you mean."

"Did you?"

"We will try anything once... Though We did not particularly enjoy it. T'was not an 'every day' thing."

Celestia stared wistfully into the distance and took a deep breath in response.

"What kind of things did I used to do?"

"Oh, wonderful things. You once spent an entire day eating and drinking things made exclusively from semen of guardsponies!"

"I... I think I remember that." Celestia paused to think, hoof at her chin, and then giggled. "The chefs were pissed at me for almost three weeks after that."

"There was the time that you had an affair with the Captain of the Royal Guard."

"Did I? Oh, well, I can't do anything like that now. Shining Armor is set to be engaged shortly."

"That didn't stop cool Celestia."

She smiled mischievously. "Well, it's not like he's married yet...." She shook her head. "No! Luna, you'd understand if you knew who the bride was to be."

"Who?"

"I shouldn't say..."

"Tell meeeeee~"

Celestia bit her lip. She bent over to Luna and whispered in her ear. "The Crystal Princess."

Luna gasped. "She's still alive?!"

Celestia gnashed her teeth. "Oh... I... It's not..."

"She's been replaced." Luna surmised, frowning.

"Yes. I'm sorry, I know how you liked her."

"I see. Yes. I suspected she would be dead by now, but... Never mind. How is her replacement?"

"She is very good."

"Have you..."

"Once. She is young, still."

"How young?"

"Not quite one-hundred years, yet."

"But you said you hadn't for..."

"Rituals do not count, sister; they are work, not pleasure."

"Everypony knows that those rituals are more effective when you enjoy yourself."

"They proceeded fine, I assure you."

Luna shifted in her seat, a hard clicking noise terminating her movement. Celestia leaned to see her hooves, which were away from solid ground, and looked perplexed for a moment.

Her eyes narrowed. "Luuuna..."

"Yes, sister?"

"Please tell me you are not wearing a butt-plug."

"It is only a small one. For decoration! And it keeps our tail high and proud!"

"Ponies don't do that anymore!"

"Well We do! We believe it accentuates our cutie mark."

"Nopony wants to see that you have something stuck up your butt when you walk by!"

"Dost thou think they prefer to see your puckered balloon-knot as you pass? It is a courtesy to our people."

"They're going to think it's weird."

"You have let them decide that many normal things are weird. Perhaps it is time they see somepony with class."

"Sister, take it out."

"Make Us."

"Sister..."

"We refuse. We are more comfortable with it in."

Celestia tugged on it with her magic, but Luna squeezed down, holding it steadfast inside herself. Her butt slid sideways on the throne.

"Relax your anus, sister!"

"No! Let go!"

Celestia tugged harder, lifting Luna's rump up into the air by her rectum, and Luna grabbed onto her throne with both forehooves, fighting her sister tooth and nail in what could only be described as some manner of bizarre anti-rape scenario.

"I shall give you until the count of three!" Celestia said as she approached her sister's backside.

"We are starting to enjoy this game, sister, more vibration please!"

"One!" She propped her forehooves up on Luna's supple flankcheeks.

"Two!" She braced herself, preparing to push.

"THREE!" She screamed as she pushed relentlessly into Luna's gluteal muscles, still pulling as hard as she could with her magic.

There wasn't a straight face in the room.

"Oh, yes, sister, yes! Please pull harder! AH, fuck! Fuck!"

And, at that moment, someone pushed open the huge double-door at the end of the hall. Both princesses lost their concentration, and the buttplug went flying across the grand hall with irresponsible velocity before breaking through a stained-glass window and sailing out into parts unknown.