"Thou used to be cool"

Celestia, lips parted with concern, slowly pulled her hooves away from Luna's butt and placed them firmly on the ground. "Why... Hello, Shining Armor. What a pleasant surprise to see you at this unexpected and unusual hour..."

"Well... Uh... I'm here to um... Wow. This might be a bad time. Should I come back later?"

"No, we are ready to receive. To be receptive of you, I mean. Come inside— Um... Walk into the room, please."

"That was my favorite plug."

"Not now, Luna."

"But I really liked—"

"Later!"

Shining Armor blushed as he complied with her wishes. "Well, the matter I'm here to address is one of... Public indecency."

Luna scoffed.

"This stallion was exposing himself in the park," he explained, gesturing towards a pony who had followed him into the room.

"I see. Do you have additional details? Any reliabl—"

"So what?" Luna asked, as she reclined in her chair and spread her legs apart. "We are all naked. I am exposing myself right now."

"Allegedly, he tied a bell around the end of his... His erect penis. And he swung it around in circles, screaming 'I'm a little teapot' at the top of his lungs. He also asked mares if they wanted a drink from his 'spout'."

"Are these allegations true?"

The stallion nodded, ashamed.

Luna snickered.

"Luna, not now."

"I'm sorry, it's the funniest thing I've heard all—"

"Not. Now.” She turned to address the stallion. “What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I apologize, your majesty. At the risk of compounding my sentence... I was heavily intoxicated at the time."

"Drunk in public during daylight hours? These are fairly serious charges. Captain Armor, how is his record?"

"It's clean, your majesty."

Celestia nodded. "And his finances?"

"Not so good..."

"Then, this time, he shall go unpunished. But see to it that—"

"Tia! We feel strange! We need something in Our butt!"

Everyone in the room glared at Luna. She rolled her eyes. "Fine. We shall be quiet. Please, do go on."

"As I was saying. We shall neither institute a jail sentence nor levy a fine..."

The accused pony's gaze didn't break from Celestia's stern but loving face, but Shining Armor's attention was called to something else. Slowly, silently, Luna was levitating herself up out of her chair. She scooted above Celestia's head, and began dropping slowly, much to Shiny's confusion.

"...as long as you do swear to consume alcohol in moderation henceforth. Furthermore, let the record state that—"

Celestia stopped, as her eyes shot wide, Shining Armor's face transitioned from confusion to shock, instantaneously, and the scribe's professionalism shattered with a resounding laugh.

"–Luna if you're doing what I think you're doing you had better stop or I shall personally see to it that your rectum is perforated."

Left untreated, perforation of the rectum is generally lethal for a typical pony within a matter of hours, but an alicorn would merely walk funny for a couple of days. As such, Luna didn't heed the threat at all, and she continued lowering herself down on Celestia's horn until her butt flattened down her sister's ears. "There. Nice and full. I'm happy now, Tia, please go on."

"Get my horn, out of your ass. THIS. INSTANT."

"You should have thought of that before you threw my buttplug out the window."

"That was an accident!" Celestia insisted, as she tried ineffectively to look up at her sister.

Luna bent over forward so she could look into Celestia's eyes. "It's quite a snug fit. A little long, but I rather like it. You're a very pretty butt-plug, Tia."

"GET OFF!"

"No. We insist that you carry Us in this way for the rest of the day."

"You are really getting on my nerves, Luna."

"You're really stimulating a lot of Ours," Luna replied with a childish giggle.

"I'm sorry for this." Celestia replied.

Luna looked confused. "Sorry f—" She moaned in pleasure as a golden glow spilled out from the tiny fraction of Celestia's horn that remained un-inserted.

In a moment, Celestia had teleported across the room, putting herself almost face to face with the pony she was supposed to be addressing, and having left Luna hanging in the air without any support.

The hall was filled with the echoing sound of Luna's rump slapping down hard against the stone floor. "Unnh... That was cruel, sister."

"I asked you nicely to stop. Now. I have business. If you don't start behaving yourself, I won't let you come in tomorrow."

"We'll be doing this tomorrow, too?"

"We do it almost every day, if you'll recall, Luna."

Luna sighed dramatically. Part of her missed being an evil demi-goddess trapped on the Moon. Cast a couple good tentacle-summoning spells, invite some of her evil friends, and crack open a keg of century-old Lunar Ale, and she could have a hell of a time. This... This was just boring.

"Please excuse my sister, she is still having trouble adjusting to—" Celestia took a long, deep, breath as Luna's tongue ran up the length of her horn. "Luna, I must ask you to return to your chambers at this time. Thank you."

"Oh, sure, sister... we will return to our chambers..." She punctuated her statement with a growl.

Celestia was quite flustered and embarrassed as she looked the stallion in the eyes again. "Okay... How about... If you forget what you saw here, we'll just forget about your charges completely. Your record will remain spotless. How does that sound?"

"Uh... Good, your highness?"

"Not a word."

"Yes ma'am." He assured her as he turned to face Shining Armor. Shining nodded, and the stallion began trotting down the hall after another guardspony who would lead him to the exit.

After a sufficient amount of time had passed that he could feel certain they were 'alone', Shining made awkward eye contact with the princess. "So... What was that all about?"

"Lulu is... Well, times were different when she was banished. And... Having been essentially in stasis for a millennium, she is still very foal-like. I have changed with the times, but she will need a period to adapt."

"But... The way she talked to you... She's your sister!"

"Not by blood. Only... spiritually."

"So... You're not related even a little bit?"

"Why would we be?"

"You're both alicorns... I just assumed..."

"That is... Not how alicornism works. You will learn some day."

"Huh?"

"It does not bear importance, Captain Armor." Celestia caught a glimpse of Shiny's testicles as he turned to salute another guard, causing her to promptly blush and turn away. She couldn't help but notice how huge they were, and how virile and full of testosterone Shining Armor must be... What a lucky mare Cadence was to have him...

Shining sniffed at the air for a moment. He was sure he smelled the scent of Cadence's arousal, but he was also sure she was nowhere around. A quick glance to his side revealed the source to him. Celestia was soaking wet. Apparently they smelled exactly the same when excited. And if the same was true of taste... Shining licked his lips as he found himself unintentionally leaning in towards Celestia's marehood.

Celestia whipped around, startled. "Would you mind taking my seat, Captain Armor? Just for a brief time. I need to go to the little fillies' room."

"The courtroom closes after five, Princess..."

"Oh... Yes... I believe I must have lost track of the time. You may accompany me, then."

"To the bathroom, Princess?"

"You needn't follow me into the stall. And please, refer to me as Tia. You are my own private guard, we should be on more familiar terms. Even your young sister forgoes using my formal title occasionally."

"If you say so, P- Tia," Shiny replied awkwardly.

"So, how goes your relationship with Cadence?"

"Great!"

"Good. Good. You are intimate, I presume?"

"Well... Yeah." Shiny answered. He wasn't sure if this was normal, but judging by Luna's behavior moments ago, he guessed this was just the normal way an alicorn princess would worry about her 'niece'.

"You strike me as a generous lover, surely you have tasted the fruit of her loins."

Shining Armor coughed nervously as he continued following her. "Well, uh... yeah... I guess..."

"How did you like it?" she asked, turning abruptly and standing in his path, paying very close attention to the expressions on his face.

"I... Uh..."

"No need to feel uncomfortable. I am thousands of years old. There is little I haven't heard before, even if my sister can shock me at times."

"Well, it uh..." He paused, glancing up at her again, still unnerved by the nature of the conversation. "It tastes good... Awesome, really..."

"Just a particular gift of being an alicorn..."

"Really? You too? And Luna?"

"Mmhmm... Sometimes I'll sample my own taste just to enjoy it..." She reached her hoof back between her legs, smeared some of the moisture from between her flank-cheeks, and brought it up to her mouth.

To be honest, she hadn't done that in a long time, and the only reason she was doing now was in an attempt to seduce Shining Armor.

And she wasn't sure why she was doing that, either.

But once that taste hit her tongue, she very nearly started deep-throating her own hoof.

Shiny blinked in silent approval as his member began to unsheath itself. He was a stallion of reservation and self-control, but watching Celestia fellate her own arm was just too much. He blushed and started to back away. "Well, we're here at your rest room... I won't hold you up, Princess..."

The princess withdrew her arm from her mouth and cleared her throat. "Oh, don't go, I want to get to know you better! Besides... When was the last time you relieved yourself?"

"You mean..."

"Urinated. When was the last time you urinated?"

"Oh..." Shining Armor replied, flushed red. "I can just use the guard restrooms, it's fine."

"Nonsense! Those closets are filthy... The captain is entitled to use the royal bathrooms at any time... Please, I insist that we relieve ourselves simultaneously."

"Uhhh..."

"Your princess insists..."

"Right..." he mumbled, following Celestia through the regal restroom door.

Celestia squatted down over her throne, giving Shining Armor a look that could only be described as 'creepy', given that they were in a bathroom. He had been hoping there would be individual stalls, but he had no such luck. Celestia gestured to the toilet by her side.

Shining Armor did have to pee, but there was a problem. He was rock-hard. He was really trying to get it down, but Celestia's intoxicating smell, which so reminded him of Cadence, was making the task nigh-impossible. The expectant stare of the princess drove him to drape himself over the toilet, twisting his body in a most unusual way to hide his excitement, as he strained and pushed to try and urinate.

Celestia snickered a bit. "If you think I haven't noticed by now, you must either believe me to be stupid or blind..."

"Oh... No! Princess! It was an accident! I really don't mean to... I mean, not that you aren't attractive— I mean, you're not as beautiful as Cadence, but— Oh goddess..." He bowed his head and blushed, desperately hoping for a way to get himself out of the hole he was digging.

"Perhaps my sister is right... Maybe you ponies are too ashamed of your bodies for your own good..."

Shining Armor gave her an uncertain glance.

"An erection is nothing to be embarrassed about, Captain Armor. It's practically a compliment!"

"It's inappropriate, Princess..."

"What would be inappropriate would be for you to mount me without my permission..." Celestia said as she gave him a foxy grin, "which you do have, by the way."

"Princess?"

"Permission. To screw me. Consent, if you will."

Shining Armor's mouth fell open.

"Can you tell me, truthfully, that you are not interested?"

"Well, I don't—"

"Might I remind you that you have sworn an oath to honesty, captain?"

"Cadence would—"

"Cadence wouldn't mind, I assure you. We share everything, she and I..."

"Buh— I—"

"You're so cute when you're flustered," Celestia remarked, swishing her tail side to side in an effort to spread the smell of her arousal throughout the small room. As the moisture collected in the folds of her hindquarters, a singular drop of her crystal clear secretions formed and fell between her rear hooves. Shining Armor's eyes followed the drop, his nostrils flared as he continued to soak up the smell of her excitement, and his hips bucked forward a bit involuntarily as the drop hit the ground.

"I... I... I'm off the clock... I'm going to go see Cadence... Now... If that's okay, your majesty..." Shining Armor remarked, quite visibly terrified. It wasn't so much this new side of Celestia that was scaring him, but rather, a new side of himself— the side that wanted to clamber up on top of Celestia almost as much as it seemed she wanted it. It's not my fault, he reasoned. She's seducing me... She's doing this on purpose!

"Well, hurry back, Shiny... And don't be afraid to bring Cadence with you, I'm up for a wild night..."

Shining Armor didn't quite have anything to say in response, so he just backed out, bewildered, shocked, and with a raging semi dangling under his belly.

Once the door shut, Celestia chuckled. She very nearly had him, and the realization that at thousands of years old, she still 'had it going on', was... fun. Really fun.

As she considered other possibilities, she bit her lip. Luna was right. Even just toying with a real stallion's mind had done more for her than an entire night with the harem. In all honesty, the need the harem satisfied for Celestia wasn't even truly sexual, it just went that direction occasionally. It had taken her decades of practice in mental self-manipulation to teach herself to accept that changeling as... him, so she could feel it; that feeling she thought she'd never feel again.

But mixed up in all that passion, all that desperation, all that... stuff... Celestia had lost something. Novelty, spice, zest! The things that make life worth living, whether for 30 years or 3,000, and she had been forgoing them to pursue a love that had died eons ago!

Celestia looked into her mirror and sighed deeply. "Perhaps I owe Luna an apology..."

As she walked through the ancient regal halls, she considered how it had all happened. How did she go so wrong? How did Equestria? When did everything change? Generations of ponies came and went— she would watch them grow as foals, learn their special talents, develop as individuals and find their place in society, and just... live. They would eventually slow down, and pay that debt that almost every pony must; surrender the life that had been loaned to them...

Some of those ponies would naturally, at some point in their life or another, find themselves in quite close proximity to their princess. Behind her, underneath her, on top of her— the details didn't matter, but they were somehow with her, and often inside of her. Early on, it had been nearly everypony. They were so happy to be alive, to live in a world ruled by order and harmony instead of Discord's chaos, that they spent years doing very little aside from celebrating. Given that most sophisticated means of entertainment had dissolved during Discord's reign, there was very little left for them to do with all their excitement. Plus, sex was much more appealing in a world where certain body parts didn't change in size, appearance, and texture wildly and without warning.

One of Discord's favorite 'jokes' was to convert a stallion's penis into a live rooster mid-coitus. Aside from the obvious unpleasantness experienced by the mare, the stallion had a difficult time as well, as recovering his penis would only be possible by holding the rooster against his groin until the spell subsided. It sucked cock.

With each new generation, though, things changed ever-so-slightly. Ponies found new ways to occupy their time, and as infant mortality declined, the need to reproduce in such volume decreased. New cultural ideals sprung up slowly, in stark contrast to the sudden changes brought about by Discord's imprisonment. That silly decorative butt-plug fad sprang up... and then, shortly thereafter, Luna lost it. Come to think of it, that was actually a big blow. A princess, a source of their comfort, a beacon of peace and prosperity made flesh, had become corrupted and tainted with darkness. What's more, she had been the foremost proponent of sexual expression in all of Equestria, and when she finally fell, it left her subjects feeling uneasy.

I should have been there for my subjects, Celestia thought, remembering how she had retreated emotionally in the wake of losing Luna. She could hardly bear to live and laugh with them, having lost the one pony who truly understood her. Her little ponies needed her, and she had left them alone, only to return as a hollow shell of her former self.

I let them all down... I owe them better. They deserve more than I can offer.