Crime doesn't pay. It prays. Prays not to meet me.
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Crime doesn't pay. It prays. Prays not to meet me.
The Summer Sun Celebration had gone off without a hitch… Well, aside from the evil vines and things, but those reports only came in from Ponyville, and everypony knew that those ponies had a few screws loose, national heroes aside. Likely, nothing of the sort had actually happened, or if it had, it had been blown out of proportion. Maybe the Apple family had gotten a few weeds in their orchard, and the poor excitable ponies got themselves confused. Gumshoe felt for them.
Anyway. The Summer Sun Celebration had gone off without a hitch... Sure, it would have been nice if the Princesses had actually let everypony know that they planned on leaving the sun and the moon up together for a while, to celebrate Luna’s return, but they were the princesses, and so surely they knew best…
Anyway. The Summer Sun Celebration had gone off without a hitch, and Gumshoe was rather pleased. He was patrolling the town, making sure all of Canterlot was safely indoors, and that the parties and shenanigans were kept quiet enough for respectable folk to sleep. He liked the night shift best, now that he’d moved up a few ranks. It used to be that he’d be out picking up what little garbage ponies left behind, and fixing up the shrubbery and parks, but now that he was a captain, he mostly supervised the folks who did that. Not that Gumshoe didn’t like doing his part, far from it. In fact, some days he’d go to the park on his days off and spruce things up! But there was simply so much more of it after such a big celebration, and it did get a little repetitive.
But! Patrolling the streets, while supervising those cleanup efforts? That, well that was where Gumshoe thrived. The only thing he liked better was investigation, but that tended to be bittersweet, since somepony had generally been wronged in some way if there was something to investigate. This, on the other hoof, was guilt free, and Gumshoe was quite pleased to be out doing it!
Why, he’d already helped an elderly mare cross the street, and she’d been quite contrite about jaywalking. Apparently her eyesight was going in her old age, and so Gumshoe had given her the address of an Optometrist, written on the back of the ticket he issued her. He’d also helped a young foal find his parents, bought the child an ice cream bar, and locked the parents up overnight for child neglect! Justice was well pleased with him, he was certain. He would sleep well tonight.
But it was after issuing a citation for littering to a drunk mare, (who simply could not stop vomiting) that he saw it. One of the worst safety violations he’d ever seen, simply horrendous! Gumshoe was excited, because this meant he got to give out another ticket. Gumshoe liked giving out tickets, just as much as he knew ponies liked receiving them. Giving them out was his special talent, after all, and who in Equestria didn’t like learning that they were wrong? Indeed, what could match the thrill, the sheer joy, of receiving constructive criticism in an official forum? Nothing Gumshoe could think of, and so he set out to once again right a wrong and educate those not fortunate enough to know better!
His quarry was quite a ways away, but Gumshoe had a keen eye, befitting an officer of his station, and even across the busy streets, he could see the infraction the poor citizen was perpetrating. However, being that they were so far away, the distance was too great for him to call out, at least not without disturbing the peace, which Gumshoe would never do. This meant that he was going to have to initiate a chase, which was always fun. Justice usually was. Besides, ponies liked hugs, and they especially liked tackle hugs, so Gumshoe reasoned that they must like being tackled at least a little. Having an officer of the law doing the tackling, coming from a full speed jump, then, must rate among the common pony's very favorite things. And Gumshoe was nothing if not a civil servant.
However, before Gumshoe could start a chase, he had to let The Chief know. That was regulation. Gumshoe grabbed his radio, and pressed the button down, briefly wondering about the usefulness of a radio which required you to be standing still while you used it.
“Chief, come in Chief, this is Alpha 7 Omega reporting.”
The chief was swift to respond; “Sweet Celestia, Gummy, what in Equestria do you want now?”
“Chief, just checking in, letting you know I’m going to start a pursuit, sir.”
“A pursuit?”
“Yes sir,” Gumshoe replied, “and I’m going in hot. I've got an unsecured foal, and a purple pegasus that’s going to pay a premium for it. The foal’s coat looks a bit rough, too. Might be malnutrition.”
“Unsecured foal? Purple pegasus? Rough… Saucy Luna! Gummy! You have to stop!”
“No can do, Chief, they’re getting away. Also, sir, I’m going to turn off my radio. After all, we can’t have your shouting wake up half the town, I’d hate to have to write you up for disturbing the peace.”
“GUM-”
Captain Gumshoe placed his radio back on his shoulder, power switch in the off position, and began pursuit.
“WEEWOO WEEWOO WEEWOO!”
Immediately, Captain Gumshoe admonished himself, he had just been talking to the captain about shouting and now here he was breaking the same statutes. He’d have to write himself a ticket before he got off shift, otherwise he’d get no sleep tonight. But for now, there was Justice to dispense, and Captain Gumshoe just so happened to have exact change.
“Weewoo weewoo weewoo.” Gumshoe muttered to himself as he ran, barreling down the streets at a responsible, yet still hurried, pace. Gumshoe, being a police pony by trade, could tell that he was gaining on the mystery pony, but that it was a very slight gain. No matter, he had them in his sights, and they couldn’t be going far. Canterlot was big, but not that big. His earth pony endurance would win out in the end, or they would reach the perpetrator’s house. Whichever came first, he would be doing Justice tonight, and doing Justice was always more satisfying when it was long and hard. Gumshoe continued to weave through alleys and a strangely increasing amount of shrubbery, confident in himself, and the goodness of the universe.
-
If there was one thing Gumshoe was not confident in, it was the goodness of the universe. He had tracked his perp all the way to Ponyville, which was, in itself, no small feat. The distance between Canterlot and the town he found himself in was enough that the general populace required use of the Friendship Express to travel one way or the other. Now, being a servant of Justice, by no means was Captain Gumshoe on the same level as the general populace, although he was a very polite pony and did not acknowledge this fact. Justice liked it when you were humble. However, even he could not traverse the entire distance while simultaneously maintaining his siren! He felt so very unofficial those last few miles, trotting, out of breath, through forest, plain, and unfamiliar town leading to the residence of his quarry, but trot he did, the knowledge that his sweet lady rode with him the only motivation he required.
As he approached the building in which his ticket-to-be resided, he ran through all the standard routines one must complete when preparing to enter a hostile building. He located all possible exits, whether windows, doors, or balconies, because knowing your way out was the first step to going in. He also located all impossible exits, such as the beehive, the lantern, and the telescope, because nothing was really impossible. He checked for traps, but found none, aside from some precariously stacked books, seen through the window. The lack of traps for him to daringly avoid did nothing to dampen his thirst for Justice, even if it did dampen his spirit a bit. And finally, he retrieved his warrant, which he had pre-prepared on every building in Equestria at all times. (His brother, Smashing Gavel, was helpful in achieving that, but Gumshoe insisted on filling out all the paperwork, every time. Regulation forbid favoritism, especially amongst kin.)
He backed off a few feet from the house and began setting up a cordon. Attaching his bright yellow tape to building after building, creating his own little world. He didn't want the common pony getting caught up in the mess a fleeing suspect might create. And police tape was a nice, solid, unbreakable barrier. Nopony could cross it, not without intentionally breaking a rule, and the average pony surely wasn’t reckless enough to do that!
Not like the pony in this place. She, well… she was a rulebreaker of the worst kind! An agent of chaos, discord and general un-harmoniousness! (Un-harmoniousness was almost certainly a word. Gumshoe would have to check the dictionary when he got home, though. It wouldn't do to include a fake word in an official report! He was no sloppy pony!) Gumshoe had been trailing a fair bit behind her his entire pursuit, he admitted, and so he hadn't gotten a solid view of her, but he suspected she was the type of pony who threw her clothing on the ground, said things like “fight the powah” (Powah, at least, was not a real word. Gumshoe had already checked that, but it was okay to include colloquialisms so long as they were in the proper quotation marks) and let her peas touch her carrots! Deplorable.
Regardless of his speculations, he was nearly ready, with only one thing remaining on his official checklist. Gumshoe attached the last piece of tape, and switched his radio back on.
“Chief, come in Chief, this is Alpha 7 Omega reporting.”
“Gumshoe! Where are you?”
“Chief, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you when I return. I know you don’t like getting tickets, sir, for whatever reason, and while I may not understand that, while I may even pity you, I can respect it. But it seems you can’t respect the quiet sanctity of the silence of night, and so you leave me no choice. Justice demands you bow before her beautiful face and beg her sweet forgiveness.”
A sound very much like a combination of somepony snarling and being strangled echoed over the radio waves, and Gumshoe was sure that the chief was sobbing viciously, after realizing the horrors he had wrought upon the fine ponies of Equestria. Gumshoe gave him a moment out of respect, but Justice is swift, and she waits for nopony. If you want Justice to be your lover, you must take action just as swiftly, or be left behind, cold and alone in your metaphorical bed.
“Sir, I am required to inform you that I am about to enter a hostile building. I have tracked our suspect to a domicile in Ponyville and am preparing to go in hot.”
“...What.”
“I know, sir, I was impressed by my dedication as well, but Justice never stops, sir. When Justice takes you into her bed, she loves you all night long, sir. How could I do any less? I cannot accept any medals for my efforts.”
“…”
“I’m going to initiate radio silence again, sir. I’ll keep you updated.”
“I just want it on the record that I’m washing my hands of this, Gumshoe. Your actions, and their consequences, are your own.”
“That’s very generous of you, sir. But, sir, if you recall, it was your direct training that got me where I am today. Don’t sell yourself short. Gumshoe out.”
With that, Gumshoe was once again on his own. He debated re-engaging his siren, but as he was entering hostile territory, it was likely a foolish idea to advertise his whereabouts. So, confident in his barrier, and his divine right as a lawpony, and a lover of Justice, Gumshoe strode up to the door and knocked. With his rear hooves. Very hard. He had a warrant, after all.
Once inside, he surveyed the rooms. It appeared the building was some kind of library. Most ponies would have been satisfied with merely the sign outside to prove it as such, but Gumshoe was not most ponies, and he was no fool. While the sign might say “Library”, what it meant was “House of Iniquity” Likewise, while the building might indeed appear to be some kind of library, even on the inside, Gumshoe was wiser than that. Far wiser. Wise to its true form, a Den of Evil.
The Den of Evil had a well-stocked fridge, though, and Gumshoe took the time to make himself a nice daffodil and mayonnaise sandwich, toasting the bread with the Fires of Justice… well, the Fires of Justice and a toaster. He felt no guilt, rifling through the pantry, it was not a though he was stealing. This whole building was basically evidence, anyway. And it would just go bad. He made sure to make an extra sandwich for Justice, just in case, but, as usual, Justice wasn't hungry. She had amazing stamina, as Gumshoe well knew. The Captain felt it irresponsible to let the second sandwich go to waste, though, and ate it as well.
Gumshoe prowled the remains of the first floor, finding the entrance basement, and, after determining it was empty, he marked that door with police tape as well. He recognized the equiment he had seen, and he had had enough mad science to last a lifetime. Let forensics poke around down there. He knew crazy when he saw it, and was smart enough to arrest it and give it due process. Due process, in this case, being his trusty yellow role of dispensable justice walls. He hoofcuffed the door handle for good measure, because who really knew with mad science, and proceeded to the second floor.
After a very close call with an unruly shower curtain, which currently had its rungs cuffed together, for lack of hooves, Captain Gumshoe emerged from the restroom victorious. Everything had worked itself out alright in there, as things will when you take Justice out for a nice dinner every night, and tastefully kiss her on the cheek as you drop her off at her front porch. Justice likes it when you get flirty. Metaphorically.
This must be it, then, the final room. The foul felon’s place of rest.
Justice, luckily, never rests. And so, the villain is always at an appropriate disadvantage, thought Gumshoe.
As he prepared his sensitive door-breaching equipment once more, Gumshoe reflected on the chase about to come to an end. Truly it was one for the history books. Tonight, it seemed, Justice was in heat, and therefore quite insatiable. Justice demanded to be done, and Gumshoe was always happy to oblige her. After his hind legs had finished knocking on and unlocking the door, Gumshoe turned around and took in a deep breath.
“ATTENTION! This is official police business! You are hereby charged with-”
The purple pony, woken by the shouts, bolted upright. “What are you doing in my house?!”
Gumshoe was confused to note she had a horn as well as wings, a horn which was glowing, but barely had time to process the thought before her blast of magic hit Gumshoe, forcing him against the wall. He dropped to the ground, hidden under a pile of books that the blow had dislodged,
But Gumshoe was not done. He and Justice were matching each other's rhythm now, and nothing could part them. Nothing could stop Gumshoe from doing Justice, not now. They were as one. And so, Gumshoe rose from the pile of books, slick with the sweat that all this Justice-doing had thrust upon him, and looked the pony in the eye.
“Resisting arrest, eh? Assaulting an officer of the law, EH? TRYING TO SUBVERT JUSTICE, EH?”
And then, then Twilight Sparkle knew fear.
-
As he paced outside the cell of the bizarre mutant pony he had dragged all the way back to Canterlot, Captain Gumshoe, read off the list of charges once more, just to ensure clarity.
“Ugly purple pegacorn abomination, you are hereby charged with; fleeing the scene, subverting justice, arson, attempted murder, jaywalking, attempted kidnapping of an officer, assaulting an officer, insulting an officer, subverting justice, resisting arrest, mad science, disturbing the peace, imitating the form of a princess, battery of an officer, littering, double littering, viciously lying, breaking my truncheon, subverting justice, and finally, failure to use the proper safety devices to secure your ugly, rough skinned foal." It had been a long walk back to Canterlot, a very long walk. "I see you have recently had seatbelts installed, and good on you, but they do you no good if you do not use them.”
Twilight rolled her eyes, but it was ultimately a pointless gesture. The captain was not looking, and, seeing as all of her hooves were cuffed together, there was a muzzle on her... muzzle, as well as an anti-magic ring on her horn, and she was in several places bound by judicious application of yellow police tape, it only served to make her look more ridiculous, not less.
“And remember, Miss,” Gumshoe said, as he shined his badge with his hoof, “Click it or ticket.” He placed his sunglasses on his face, as was regulation, and left everypony in the station with their jaws hanging wide open, including The Chief, who had had his ticket attached to his chin. Gumshoe thought he looked good with a goatee.
All in all, it was a good day for Justice. And you know what they say, happy wife, happy life.