Billy Mays goes to Equestria
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH...
Applejack stood firm and looked around the Ponyville market.
She had been born in this town, and she expected to die here too. But recently, things had been going afoul for her and her beloved family of Apples. Ponies these days just didn’t appreciate a good apple, and the rise of a new and cheaper synthetic apple had almost put her out of business.
As it was, she only had a hoof-full of bits to her name. Granny Smith had already fallen down the stairs three times in the past four months. She was in dire need of a new hip replacement. If not, AJ doubted she would be around much longer.
Applejack sighed as the smell of fresh air caressed her lungs. She had tried everything that she could possibly come up with. She had even driven her cart to the local Home Depot parking lot at the crack of dawn to try and hire some amigos to come work on her farm. Unfortunately, they had unionized while working for her, and left in the middle of the night and stolen Apple Bloom. Wherever she was now, she was probably eating taquitos with a Mexican drug lord.
Applejack sighed once more. Things were harder than she could ever have guessed. She closed her eyes and winced as she thought of her last option. Surely, she wouldn’t have to resort to this.
But she knew she did. And don’t call her Shirley.
“HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH A FANTASTIC NEW PRODUCT!”
Applejack sighed and pulled her hat over her face. Why did she do this?
A crowd of ponies gathered around the strange man who called himself Billy Mays to hear out what he had to say.
“LOOKING FOR A TASTY TREAT?! SOMETHING TO KEEP THE DOCTOR AWAY?! A WAY TO PLEASURE THE WIFE IN NEW AND INTERESTING WAYS?! WELL, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THIS!”
The salesman ran his hand down his pants, and much to the surprise of the crowd, instead of showing them his massive cock, he pulled a granny smith apple out of his pants.
All the ponies sighed a general sigh of both relief and exasperation. This man played on their very desires and inhibitions. Where had this beautiful man come from?
“BILLY MAYS HERE WITH AN APPLE! BUT IT’S NOT JUST ANY FUCKING APPLE! IT’S AN APPLE FAMILY APPLE. THE MOST CRISP, MOST JUICY, ALL-AROUND BEST APPLE IN ALL OF WHATEVER SHITHOLE I AM CURRENTLY IN!”
Applejack smashed her signature stetson further in her face. Whom ever thought this was a good idea?
Oh, right, her dead parents.
[18 Hours Earlier]
Luna’s moon peeked through the window and bled shafts of cool mercury across a still figure, who was rustled up in bed underneath a mountain of home-sewn blankets. Shifting in her sleep, an orange earth pony mumbled quietly in peaceful slumber.
“Oh, Rainbow… It’s so big and… zzz… hard…”
Suddenly, with only the intensity known to seizure patients, Applejack shot straight up and rubbed her eyes vigorously. Something had jolted her from her very lucid dream—something inexplicably eerie.
“Applejack…” An ethereal voice hummed in the chilled air of the dead night. “Applejack…”
“Huh...?” AJ murmured, peeking slightly over her frayed blankets.
“Applejack!” the vision muttered again, its form apparating into the cold air.
“... Dad?” Applejack stuttered, incredulous.
“You will go to the Dagobah system.”
“Dagobah system...?”
“There, you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi master who instructed me—AHH! OW! MOTHERFUCKER!” The vision yelled in fright as a floating hoof appeared and smacked him across the back of the head.
“Shut it! Wrong vision, you dunce.”
“Whatever, sorry…” the ghostly stallion said as he rubbed his head. A very familiar mare appeared at his side.
“Hi, honey. Miss us?”
“Mom? Dad? What’re y’all doin’ here?” Applejack asked as she felt around for the sacred sun symbol tucked under her pillow.
“Sweetie, we know the farm is coming under hard times, and we know you need help. So we’ve come back to try and help you, dearest.” Her mother’s voice shimmered with the air of the afterlife.
“Uh-huh, go on…” Applejack urged. Her hoof came up empty under her pillow. Cursing obscenities at Apple Bloom under her breath, she leaned over her bed to search further for her sacred item.
“We come across great regions of the undead plain to tell you of a powerful and supernatural force you can use to help your farm! Search out the one known as—WHARGLRBLBRLGRBLRBLRGRBLRBGRLGBL!”
Applejack’s mom was cut off as AJ found her holy relic and attempted to throw it at the spirits, screaming, “THE POWER OF CELESTIA COMPELS YOU!”
“SEARCH OUT THE ONE KNOWN AS... MAYS... BILLY MAYS!” the visions wailed as their ghostly bodies were ripped from the earth.
“We’re so proud of our little goddess-fearing redneck girl…” That was the last thing Applejack heard as she shivered under her blankets, crying like a little bitch.
Applejack made a mental note to beat Apple Bloom with Spike to help herself feel better.
The crowd oohed and awed at the sight of the apple as Billy Mays held it up for all to see.
“THIS APPLE IS GREAT FOR MANY GOOD THINGS. IT MAKES A HEALTHY SNACK, PERFECT WHEN YOU’RE ON THE GO!”
To demonstrate, the salesman tossed the apple up in the air before jumping up and taking a bite out of it. He landed back in his previous spot and caught the apple.
“Wow… who gives a shit? It’s just an apple,” a random pony in the crowd said.
“JUST AN APPLE?! THIS—”
“Yeah, not impress—”
“YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH WHEN BILLY MAYS IS TALKING!” Billy Mays exclaimed as he reeled his hand back before chucking the half-eaten apple at the pony.
The stallion tried to duck, but ran away screaming as the apple boomeranged around and chased him down. It hit him in the side of the head at such a velocity that it knocked him to the ground. The stallion attempted to rise, but ultimately failed and blacked out.
“YOU MESSED WITH THE RIGHT ONE!” Billy shouted, “ANYONE ELSE WANT A PIECE OF BILLY MAYS?!”
Various cries of “No,” rang out from the crowd.
“BUT I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DO WANT A PIECE OF,” the salesman said as he grabbed a nearby honeycrisp apple. “YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS CRISP AND JUICY APPLE!”
“LOOK AT THIS!” Billy Mays produced a knife and cut a small piece from the apple before tossing it into his mouth, chewing it, and swallowing it. “DAMN! THAT’S ONE GOOD APPLE!”
“THAT’S NOT ALL APPLES ARE GOOD FOR! APPLES ARE GOOD FOR COOKING TOO! WHO WANTS SOME PIE?!”
Several ponies rose their hooves. Billy Mays smiled and reached behind him, revealing a freshly baked apple pie to the crowd. Like the master swordsman he was, the salesman went to work, cutting the pie up into enough slices for every pony who raised their hooves, then tossing the slices out to the crowd.
“ISN’T IT AMAZING?!”
The ponies who were lucky enough to be blessed with the apple pie cheered. No one can argue with Apple Family apple pies.
“THAT’S NOT ALL! APPLES HAVE PLENTY OF USES BEYOND EATING. THEY MAKE A GREAT APHRODISIAC. ARE THERE ANY COUPLES HERE WHO NEED SOME HELP IN THE BEDROOM?!”
Reluctantly, one stallion raised his hoof in the air. It was Mr. Cake, one of the owners of Sugarcube Corner.
“I-I could use some help…” he stammered, embarrassed.
“DON’T WORRY, BILLY MAYS CAN HELP!”
Billy Mays reached down his pants, and much to everyone’s surprise (not really, he’d done this already), he pulled yet another apple out of his pants.
“Just how many apples do you have in your pants?” a random pony in the crowd asked.
The salesman ignored that pony, keeping his attention focused on the unlucky stallion who doesn’t get enough. “JUST TAKE THIS APPLE! THIS CRISPY, JUICY, CRUNCHY APPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR WIFE’S SNATCH. I GUARANTEE THIS WILL HELP YOU IN THE BEDROOM, OR IT’S YOUR MONEY BACK!”
Applejack’s eyes widened at this, and almost protested, but she held her tongue; she had to trust the salesman’s judgement.
“Alright, I guess. Worth a shot. How much?”
“WAIT FOR IT!” Billy Mays exclaimed, “NOT ONLY CAN YOU EAT APPLES AND SHOVE THEM UP VAGINAS, AND ASSES AS WELL IF YOU’RE FEELING ADVENTUROUS, YOU CAN UNLOCK THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE IF YOUR POWER LEVEL IS HIGH ENOUGH!”
“BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! IF YOU BUY RIGHT NOW, WE WILL INCLUDE A BOX OF APPLE FAMILY BRAND BAKING SODA. IT’S GOOD FOR EVERYTHING FROM CLEANING TO BRUSHING YOUR TEETH TO HELPING YOUR UPSET STOMACH TO SNORTING IT. IT’S SOME GOOD SHIT!”
“BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! THE FIRST THIRTY PONIES TO BUY WILL RECEIVE DOUBLE WHAT THEY BUY. NOT ONE, BUT TWO APPLES. PLUS AN EXTRA BOX OF BAKING SODA. PLUS, WE’LL THROW IN A COPY OF THE OLD SPICE BIBLE, THE GREATEST, MOST HOLY PIECE OF LITERATURE TO EVER GRACE MORTALS. ALL FOR ONLY NINETEEN NINETY-FIVE! BUY NOW!”
Billy Mays concluded his sales pitch and bowed before the crowd, which erupted into loud cheers. They immediately rushed the nearby apple stand, bags full of bits in hoof.
Applejack smiled as she turned to the first customer. “What can Ah get for ya, sugarcube?”
Applejack watched as the last customer ran off with a bag overflowing with apples. After Billy’s sales pitch, everypony in town came out to buy her apples. She had to actually get Big Mac to fetch more apples from the farm not once, not twice, but three times during the day.
The mare sighed as she examined the large pile of bits sitting beside her. It was going to be a long night counting them all.
At least she knew she probably didn’t have to worry about any financial burdens for the time being. She might actually be able to afford Granny’s replacement hip.
Meanwhile, back at the farm, Granny Smith was making her way into the kitchen with the help of her walker. It was nearly time for dinner, and after seeing Big Mac running back and forth for supplies all day long, she was sure that her grandchildren could use some grub.
Lost in her thoughts, the aging mare didn’t notice a discarded banana peel sitting in the middle of the floor. Why does the Apple Family have a banana peel anywhere near their property? Who knows? They’d probably just blame it on minorities.
The mare’s eyes widened as she stepped on the peel and fell backwards. How could she be so careless?
She struggled to get up, but failed to do so. She was stuck where she laid until someone happened upon her.
“Damn minorities…” she grumbled, wishing she had bought Life Alert.
“HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH LIFE ALERT,” Billy Mays said as he walked into the kitchen.
“WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!” Granny Smith snapped at the salesman.
Billy Mays suspiciously looked around the room before phasing out of existence.
With the help of her big brother, Applejack packed up the stall and the massive pile of bits they had acquired over the day. She didn’t doubt that tomorrow would be just as successful.
The mare heard the sound of footsteps behind her, causing her to turn and spot Billy Mays walking towards her.
“Hey Billy,” she chirped, “thanks for the help. Your pitch really helped us drum up some business.”
“NO PROBLEM! BILLY MAY’S PURPOSE IS TO HELP OTHERS.”
“That’s real noble of you,” Applejack said, before curiosity got the better of her. “Where are you going to go now?”
“WHEREVER I AM NEEDED,” he answered.
“I MUST GO, AS MY TIME HERE IS OVER. FAREWELL, APPLEJACK,”
Billy Mays sprouted a pair of wings, a halo becoming visible over his head. He flapped his wings as he lifted off the ground. He gave the mare one last look, who smiled and waved at him, before flying off into the sunset.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
Except Spike, who grew giant tits out of nowhere and then inexplicably died of breast cancer.
“Grandpa, that was a horrible story!” the young child complained.
The old man looked up from his book and glared at the kid. “You better shut your fucking mouth before I wreck you, Billy.”
“My name’s Stanley!”
“I don’t give a shit,” the grandpa growled. “And why are you wearing a surfing shirt? You never surfed a day in your life, you lying little shit.”
“You’re a horrible person, Grandpa. I hope you die.”
“Rot in hell, you spoiled brat.”
