Malideus

And so, here we are. My moment of truth. Today, I go from one-shot villain to... well... whatever comes after that. Moving on! It was all quiet. No one stirred, save my heart as I anticipated every move of every soldier in the army below me. As I stood upon the balcony, I made sure my helmet was straight and tidy. The crowd below me waited for me to move, to make a sound, to do anything, but they waited too long. I raised my arm into the air, and the soldiers didn't even have time to scream before I disintegrated every last one of them with a single Pyroclasm. I simply amaze myself sometimes with this Amulet. However, I sometimes get the feeling that it's making things way too easy. Even I have standards, you know. But still, I have to get by somehow. Meanwhile, while I'm roasting guards, I start thinkin': Maybe I need a challenge. Yeah, that's it! A nice, bloody fight to the finish, to really make my life, you know, bearable. Before I know it though, all the guards are gone, turned to dust in the wind... except there's no wind, so it's dust in my eyes and mouth. Anyway, so I use some magic to blow the soldier dust out the door and into the streets so I can breathe. But still, I can't help but wonder if I really want this... and then I slap myself mentally for being such an emo. I'm not sad, I'm just bored. However, just as I descend the stairs and get close to the main doors, they shut on me, which causes my blood pressure to spike dangerously. Then I turn around and see the last pony I ever hoped to ever see again: Twilight. She stood atop the balcony, glaring down at me, like she owned the country or something. However, I refuse to put up with the purple nuisance any longer.

"Twilight! You must be a bigger fool than I thought, coming in and raising my blood pressure!" I shout, but she remains oddly silent as she descends the steps herself, then gets into a combat stance.

"You're one to talk, Malideus. First you come to Equestria, then you assault me, and my friends, and then you try to kill one of our leaders. Why are you being such a jerk? What have we ever done to you?" Twilight asked, causing me to think back to when I incapacitated Celestia. She asked that same question, and my answer was still the same:

"You were born." I hissed, preparing to destroy the pest that now questioned my motives. I cast a massive ball of fire and electricity at her, but she dispelled it without even blinking.

"Wha-?! How'd you..?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"You think I don't know what you're using? The Alicorn Amulet is powerful, but it has its weaknesses." Twilight said, and my anger just kept growing. I didn't have a response, so I just skip to my secret weapon.

"I'll show you weakness!" I shouted, stomping the floor and causing massive spires to erupt from it. Twilight dodges them as they come, twisting and diving away from them. However, she got careless on the last one, and it almost tore off her right wing. She screamed in pain as the spire cut past her, then retreated into the ground with all the rest.

"Heal that wound, you pest!" I shouted. I feel great. I feel powerful. Now, I feel like finishing this, once and for all.

"Goblada!" I shouted, causing black, stone blades to thrust from the floor at her, but none of them struck her, because she kept fucking dodging. At that moment, I felt like every video game boss ever. All my attacks, she just kept avoiding them. Until, that is, she broke one of the stone blades off of the ground, and kicked it at me. I couldn't put up a shield fast enough, so I dodged.

"'Goblada'? What the heck does that even mean?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know, it just sounds cool. Wait, why am I even talking to you?" I demand, pulling one of the blades and using it like a full-blown sword. Then, I charged Twilight, and she jumped, attempting to go over me. However, I anticipated this, and swung my sword overhead, catching her in the middle. The blade, however, was too blunt to cut her in half, unfortunately, but it put her on the ground long enough for me to grab her neck, and bring her to my face.

"So, princess, is that it? No fancy spells, or disappearing acts?" I asked smugly. Twilight said nothing, just hung there, limp.

"Well? Answer me!" I yelled, punching her in the face. Twilight spit out a tooth, but still said nothing.

"No words? Fine by me. I'm going to gut you slowly, and make you beg for death! You have opposed me for the last time you-" My speech was cut short by the sound of metal falling to the ground. I looked down in horror, and I saw something that almost made me pass out from fear. On the ground, in pieces, lay the Alicorn Amulet.

"H-how..." I sputtered, dropping Twilight on her back. Suddenly, I no longer felt like Malideus. I was just Chris now. Boring, powerless, royally-fucked Chris. I picked up the gem that once sat in the amulet, and stared at Twilight, who was still on her back, and smiling, which would have been funny since she was missing a tooth. However, I wasn't laughing. I was terrified. As I held the gem in my hand, I started to panic. And the first thing I do when I panic, is I start asking stupid rhetorical questions.

"What... What did you do..?" I stuttered, feeling the weight of my loss of my only hope of surviving in this world crush me.

"I broke it." Twilight replied weakly. "I made sure nopony would ever suffer your cruelty again. Now, you are powerless." She explained, tightening my sense of dread. I decided that my best course of action was to run, but as soon as I turned around, I saw Celestia herself hovering over me, looking quite pleased with herself. Why? I didn't want to find out. With my magic gone, I could only stand hopelessly as the two princesses closed in on me like a pair of jaws. Then, phase two of my epic panic kicked in: I started running. I ran from between the two as fast as my legs would carry me.

"Feet, don't fail me now!" I wheezed as I sped down a random hall. I hated running. When I was Malideus, I didn't need to run; they would run from me. But now? Now the roles were reversed: I was the little fish again. Suddenly, loud footsteps interrupt my thoughts, and I found myself running from two vengeful princesses. I couldn't run from them in their own castle, and I couldn't hide on account of my armor, and I was still too proud to go naked. However, I still was a great talker. So, I stopped, and turned around, still clutching the stone blade I pulled from the ground. Soon enough, Twilight and Celestia appear, and they don't even look winded.

"It's over, Malideus. Give up, or I'll find something worse than turning you into a statue." Celestia demanded. I, however did not budge. Instead, I drew the giant stone blade, and pointed it at her.

"Take one more step, whore, and I will rend you to pieces!" I threatened. However, the princesses just laughed.

"You're powerless now, remember?" Twilight laughed.

"Oh? Then cast a spell on me, any spell. I will make you regret every second of it." I threatened. Twilight chuckled, but Celestia held her back.

"Be careful. He's got some kind of trick to reflect magic. We may have to use caution." Celestia said, and I laughed evilly as I could.

"What's the matter, princess, scared of little old me? After all, I am powerless, you said so yourself!" I taunted, causing Twilight to get defensive. However, she did not retaliate, she just slowly approached me like one would a wounded animal.

"Malideus, we don't want to hurt you, we just want to t- gak!" Before Twilight could finish, I grabbed her, fast as lightning, and pulled the same thing as last time: Claws to her throat, between me and my assailant, and I held my sword out at Celestia for dramatic effect. And who says you can't learn anything from action films? Anyway, my plan worked, because Celestia was freaking out.

"Unhand her this instant!" Celestia demanded.

"No! I will not! I will slay her right here, unless you do something for me." I said menacingly. Celestia grimaced, glaring daggers at me, but ultimately yielded. Treachery for the win!

"W-What do you want..?" she stammered.

"I want out. Stand aside, or Celestia 2.0 gets it." I said simply. In reality, I didn't want to kill her, because that would just create more problems than I needed. However, I soon feel really hot, and I smell something burning. I look at my robes and captive, and the bitch is on fire, literally! Panicking, I shove Twilight, who has now extinguished, back into Celestia, causing them both to fall over. Meanwhile, I'm trying to put out my robes by running around like a headless chicken, and I start grabbing drapes and knocking over pedestals, and Celestia starts laughing at me like a bitch.

"I told you you wouldn't beat Twilight so easil-wagh!" she cries as I blindly flail into her, and trip onto her. Now, this part gets REALLY embarrassing, so skip past it if you have any problems with what will come next.

So, moving on, I trip over her, fall, still on fire, and I have to put my hands out to save me, despite my armor. Damn my cat-like reflexes... Anyway, so, I fall on top of her, arms outstretched, and I land on top of the bitch... and guess where my hands land? Right on her boobs. So I'm laying there, wondering why I feel so awkward, when I look and see that both princesses are now staring at me, and blushing, especially Celestia, who looks beet-red. I then look down, and I get flustered, and then we all just sit there like fucking stoners, staring at each other, while I'm burning. Then, what ruins this oh-so-intimate moment, you ask? Well, thanks to me sitting there like a retard, Celestia has caught fire now, too, and now we're both up and running around like we've lost our bloody minds. Meanwhile, Twilight's panicking, trying to put Celestia out, but she ignores me, that bitch!

Anyway, I decide to run out down the hall to get some accidental revenge by rushing past, and inevitably setting on fire, the various furniture, tapestries and curtains, then I run into a random room, which was, thankfully, a bathroom with a bathtub. Ignoring my inhibitions about it being a girl's bathroom, seeing as I had more immediate matters to attend to, I turn the water on, hastily remove my robe, leaving me in my underwear (What? those robes were sweltering, even when they weren't on fire!), then, I douse them, causing steam to go everywhere. However, my helmet, gauntlets and boots are still on, so I look pretty, well, I guess ridiculous is an understatement. Moving on, I am standing in there, in my underpants, and wearing the extremities of my armor. Then, Celestia, bursts in, and I attempt to cover myself with my now-sopping robes.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! Didn't your parents teach you to fuckin' knock!?!?" I scream, and she turns the reddest I've seen her yet, and puts her arm to her eyes, trying to get out of there. Then, Twilight comes in.

"Celestia! Did you catch hi- What the..?!?!" Twilight cries, reeling back in shock, and I, in my most brilliant display of diplomacy to date, slap the shit out of her, sending her into the wall, and I slam the door, locking it. Then, all is silent for a few minutes, and I hear them walking away, murmuring about forgetting something. Then, I put on my robe and try to get out, but then someone tries the door I locked.

"Hello? Is anyone in there?" asks a female voice on the other side. Quickly, I start to think fast. I had some leftover pocket sand (why I never used it is beyond me), so I start thinking I can blind this dumb Dora and make my escape, though my skill set is clearly in the parameters of throwing pocket sand, and the dousing of my robes has left me with unusable pocket mud. Nonetheless, I have to try something, so I unlock the door, and quickly get into the tub, pulling the curtains in front of me as to obscure myself. Then I hear the door open, and someone walks in. I peek past the curtains, and it's the one pony I never, ever, not for the rest of my life wanted to see: Princess Luna, and she's looking straight at the bathtub. First, though, she looks around, as if she expected someone to be in here, and after a fruitless search, she shrugs, closes the door, and, while I'm looking, removes her royal garb, leaving herself stark naked, and my nose, quite literally, starts to bleed profusely, and I have to hide my face behind the curtain again. But then, I start to have one of my famous panic attacks. It's obvious that when someone gets butt-naked in the bathroom, they're going to do one of two things: take a shower, or whack off, and Luna didn't have a porn magazine on her, so that kinda narrowed it down. So, I begin my panic session: I hyperventilate, I shake, but I seem to be stuck on that part, because my body refuses to do anything else. Then, just as she touches the curtain, I burst out, screaming, tearing the curtain down, and flailing around the bathroom like I just snorted bath salts, just so I can find the door, which I can't because there's a curtain all over me. Luna, however, screams at the top of her lungs, trying to cover herself, and tries to kill me with the downed curtain rack. Then, I start swinging my fists in a blind panic, trip, and accidentally push her into the tub, while I find the door, ditch the curtain, and flee for my pitiful life. I make it as far as the main entrance, but it's locked.

"Oh, fuck me..." I mutter, not expecting (or wanting) anyone to hear.

"We'll see." Says this female voice behind me. I look, and it's Celestia. Fuck, she gets around fast!

"Stay away from me, you glorified nag!" I stutter, trying and failing to sound intimidating. Clearly, autopilot took off long ago, and left me to die at the hands of these god-damned ponies.

"I think not. You have been enough of a nuisance, and now I'm going to make you suffer for everything you've done, Malideus." she says. Then, I decide I've had enough. I've always been a great talker, but there was one thing I was so vastly incredible at, that I had to save the skill as a last resort lest it hurt my pride from its sheer effectiveness. That last, incredible skill... was bargaining. So, I stood tall, inhaled, preparing myself for my ultimate ace in the hole. Then, I dropped to my knees, and started bawling my eyes out.

"Okay, you win, you win! Just let me go, I'll do anything! I'll clean the dungeons, I'll give massages, I'll spit-polish the castle every day, just don't kill me!" I'll admit, it took a lot out of my personal pride to do this, but I (almost) got caught peeping, got caught in my underwear by two girls, pony or not, and got set on fire all in the same day. I think my pride grew wings and flew out the window a long time ago, so I might as well utilize every strategy available to me to survive, seeing as I'm no longer OP as fuck. At least Celestia seems to consider it, but quickly strikes my pleas down.

"You threatened my citizens, assaulted Princess Twilight Sparkle four different times, assaulted ME, then tried to kill off my guard, and now you expect me to forgive you? How stupid do you think I am?" she asks.

"It wasn't my fault! It was the amulet! It made me... wait, did you just say "tried to kill off your guards"?" I ask, and Celestia just smiles at me.

"Of course, did you really think I'd put my soldiers to death over the one wizard that even I could not beat? I knew you would destroy them, so I simply had them teleported at the first sign of disaster, like when you cast that spell, what was it now, 'Pyroclasm'? To quote you when you first met my former pupil: 'Such naivete. You will make an excellent slave'." She responded, and I gulped, loud.

"C-can I just have the death sentence?" I ask, fed up with living in such an unfair world.

"Nope. As you also said, 'I'll do anything', which means you are going to pay for the damage you have caused, starting with turning me to stone." Celestia said smugly, picking me up by my collar. Again, I hate being manhandled, so I instinctively struggled, but I almost knocked my helmet off in doing so, so I stop and attempt to readjust it. This action seems to catch her attention, and she lets me know.

"You seem quite attached to that helmet of yours, Malideus. Care to explain why?" Celestia asks, giving me the same unnerving look Mizzietta did when she found out that I wasn't really a wizard.

"I don't see why I have to..." I reply, holding my helmet to my head.

"Because you agreed to do anything I asked in exchange for your life. And now, I want to know what you are." she asks, catching me off guard.

"What do you mean?! I'm... not that interesting... I suppose... Just put me down!" I snap, resisting the urge to claw her face off.

"Oh, I beg to differ. You claim to be an all-powerful wizard from another dimension, yet you cower before me as soon as you lose your greatest weapon. I'm beginning to think that you're not what you led me to believe. In fact, I'm beginning to doubt that your name is even Malideus." Celestia explains, and I feel absolutely defeated. No, I am absolutely defeated. I have no choice but to hang my head, and wonder when she'll tire of me. Then, my inner voice kicks in:

"Told you so." it says, but I ignore it, and remain silent.

"Your silence says it all. You are no wizard, you're probably not even a pony. Now, I think a public defacing is in order for your crimes, but first, I must know: Why go to all this trouble in the first place?" Celestia asks, and I respond:

"You may humiliate me, Celestia, and you can cast stones and words while I live, but I'll die sometime. Then all you and your pathetic, disgusting kin will be able to do is glare at my grave and think angry thoughts about how I, Malideus, came mere inches away from bringing your whole civilization to its knees. Then, I'll be the one laughing, even if I do end up burning in Hell. I may deserve it, but you do too." I say, resisting the urge to take off my helmet and spit on her. Then, she glares, and gives me a really creepy smile.

"We will see about that. But now, it is time to see what you really look like beneath that helmet." She says, and she tries to remove my helmet, but I grasp it firmly, keeping it on.

"Let go! I have to see your face!" Celestia demands.

"No!" I declare, keeping my hands on the helmet like it was the most important thing in the world. We struggle for a little bit, and she ends up putting me down, just so she can pry the helmet off with both her hands. However, I maintain my grip, and she finally slips, sending me crashing into the main door. Somehow, the lock came undone when I crashed into it, and it opened, giving me the perfect opportunity to escape.

"Don't you dare, I mean it. Don't you dare step foot out that door." Celestia demands, but I was never one to obey authority.

"Sorry, babe, but slavery just isn't my thing. Maybe next time, though." I say, and I bolt out the door, as Celestia is trying to get a lock on me for some crazy, nasty-looking spell. Nonetheless, I shove through the crowd, but I soon don't have to, because they part as soon as they see who I am. Soon enough, I make it to the train, which is about to depart. Unfortunately, Celestia is right behind me. So I leap onto the caboose of the train, but an explosion, likely thanks to Celestia, knocks me back, almost off of the train. But I get up, and I use my action movie expertise to get her to the one place I know I'll win: The top of the train. I climb up the ladder, but as soon as reach the top, the train takes off, causing me to stumble, and Celestia takes the opportunity to try and petrify me or something, but I'm in my element: I can take this bitch! So without a word, I step away from the edge, and run up the train, to the front. Celestia, however, stops right in front of me, and I stop. But then I jump down, onto a balcony on one car, and go inside the train. Sure enough, Celestia chases me, making this victory all the sweeter. I go out of the train, onto the joint connecting the two cars I'm between, and I crawl to the front of it, so I don't get stuck with Celestia. Speak of the devil, there the white bitch is, and she looks pissed. However, her look of rage soon turns into one of horror as she realizes my plan. Making a desperate bid, she tries to leap for me, but it's too late: I pull the bolt, and she falls short, missing me by centimeters. No matter, she still missed, and I still laughed. That is, until I notice the car's not getting farther away. Instead, I look down, and she's holding the cars together!!! But she's too focused on that, so I let my inner villain have his last hurrah: I walk up to her, nice and calm and definitely with a swagger, and I stand over her, and she's forced to look up at me. Oh, this was going to be fun!

"Malideus... This is your last chance... Give up... Or I will hunt you down like game until you die or are captured!" Celestia demanded, and I puffed up, feeling quite powerful, despite having no magic. In fact, maybe I didn't need any magic. All I had to do was hide, and I would forever be the one to have outsmarted two princesses in his whole stay. Oh yes, that was a legend I could live with!

"Sorry, Princess, but I'm afraid you've reached your stop. Next stop: Me winning!" I said, holding my hand to the side, like I'm preparing to backhand someone. Then, I extend my pinkie, so the next part become even more delicious: I then extend my arm, and pimp-slap Celestia so hard, the world goes in slow motion for a few seconds, just long enough for me to see the look on Celestia's face and enjoy every millisecond of it. Then, time returns to normal, and she lets go, falling off of the train and onto the rails, uncouncious. I then speed away from her, off toward, well, anywhere that wasn't around here. As soon as she and the previous cars vanish from my sight, I walk into the car, and everyone stops and gasps. I then sit in an empty seat, and kick my feet up. I didn't know where I was going, but it had to be better than Canterlot. And it was just my luck that this train would ever-so-coincidentally be headed for my "favorite" destination: Ponyville.