Thank You, Captain Obvious

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Sweetie Belle angrily stuffed the carefully folded letter into Derpy’s almost capable hooves, who saluted her before she took off.

So, Spike wanted to tell her off for abusing dragon magic, did he?

Sweetie Belle had other methods of getting her message to Princess Celestia.

And Celestia would receive every single one of her angry letters, whether she wanted to or not.

Dearest Princess Ti-Ti,

Just how much crystal meth is put into our town’s water supply?

I’m pretty certain that that’s the only explanation for what the hell is wrong with Pinkie Pie, because that bitch is off her fucking rocker. I swear to god, if I have to hear ‘Smile, Smile, Smile’ one more time I’m going to drag one of the Cake twins into the middle of the street and fucking TRAMPLE it in front of her. See who’s smiling now.

Cunt.

And can anybody tell me why we seem to have such a big ass dependency on gems for backing up currency? I’ve seen one of those little fuckers pay for somebody’s college tuition, and we have a literal motherfucking dragon in the middle of town that EATS GEMS.

Yeah, because fuck-all nothing could go wrong with that. I mean, he could grow to enormous proportions

OH WAIT.

And that’s another thing.

How come Ponyville is so goddamned close to the edge of the Everfree Forest?

Do you have ANY idea how much freaky shit is in there?

Of course you do, you and your dumbass sister abandoned your LAST castle that you left to rot in that hellhole.

Speaking of hellholes, did you know that there is a LITERAL MOTHERFUCKING GATE TO HELL just outside of Ponyville?

Yeah, and I was pissed off about the forest! Holy SHIT!

I mean, there are literally demons crawling out of the mouth of Tartarus and tormenting townsfolk! Did you see the mess that big fucker Cerberus made when he tried to piss all over the schoolhouse because he couldn’t find an adequate fire hydrant?

When I said this place was going to the dogs, that’s not quite what I meant!

By the way, speaking of Pinkie Pie and big fucking messes, can you kindly issue some restraining orders for this bitch? I’d love to have her sent to an asylum, but, you know…

No motherfucking security.

And if not, at least send me some of the hash that she’s getting, because the greedy bitch isn’t sharing. I am not going to tolerate that bullshit. Speaking of which, where the hell did that motto come from? I don’t remember seeing anybody post it anywhere or ever mention it, and yet there it is, spray painted all across the town welcome sign, ‘love and tolerate’.

What kind of sentimentalist hippie bullshit is that?

My first reaction was to blame the drug dealing pink one, but she was too busy trying to tell me that whack jobs behind four walls were writing about me, or something.

Fucking hell, what a fucking freak.

On the note of fucking freaks, what the hell are you, and is your sister available on Tuesdays?

By the way, how come nobody ever thought to ask Zecora if she swallowed a shitload of poison joke? I mean, seriously. Think about it. That would totally make sense as to why the bitch only talks in those annoying rhymes. And I do mean it when I call her a bitch.

Last week, I innocently asked her to rhyme something with orange.

The crazy bitch backhoofed me.

What the actual fuck.

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