An army of the damned and disgusting
An army of the damned and disgusting
"Alright, you damn Necronomicon." Ash drove the red Harley Davidson towards the damned book. He drove across the old Scottish village, now deserted of it's inhabitants; the huts built of hay and mud, parts of the huts were littered with guts, blood and bones. Few of the roofs were burning, others were smoking and the rest were filled with shotgun holes and shells.
The mud caught in the wheel and it was throw behind the motorcycle, making a light trail and a small pile of dog business brown dirt. The Necronomicon was on the other side of the village with a darkened blast after Ash got slightly annoyed with it and shot it across the village. He drove the Harley across the village, taking in the smells of shotgun stench and rotting or burning flesh.
♫Deadites a' burning ♫
♫ My bike's chain is whirring an' churning ♫
♫Going to destroy this damn Necronmicon ♫
♫I am now the don ♫
He parked right next to the book and throw the kickstand right on it's damn ugly face. The stand crushed it's face slightly, making Ash smile.
"Mppphhh mpphhhh mmmmpppphhhh mppph!" The book tried to scream at Ash but came as a small grunting. A bit like one of those small nippy dogs... I hate those small nippy dogs.
"What you say, buddy?" Ash bent down, holding his hand over his ear and leaning comically near the stand and the book.
"Mph Mpphh 'Mppphhh mpphhhh mmmmpppphhhh mppph'!" The book tried to scream again, even funnier how the book was more angry and sounded like a bulldog with a muffle.
"Maybe this will help." Ash said, lifting the stand, moving the motorcycle slightly and resting the stand back to the side of the book. "Can you talk now?" His face plastered with a jokingly sarcastic smile.
"Damn you Ash Williams, you can not defeat me; I'm the book of the-" The book begun, screaming like a crazy man.
"Yeah, yeah; Book of the dead, blah blah blah; what now?" Ash sat down in the mud next to the book as if they were old buddies. "Where are we fighting next? It's official I can't really destroy you..." Not until I get the holy grail, some ancient wine and a barbecue grill.
"Well, I don't know," it said, closing one of it's eyes slightly; showing it was thinking as it didn't really have eyebrows. "Where have we fought before?"
"Ummmm," Ash scratched his chin with his shotgun. "Woods, more woods, Medieval times-"
"I loved that one." The book interrupted.
"Yeah, remember the little mes?" Ash held his hand down to the ground, about a trading card off the floor.
"I do remember those; that was my idea, I was thinking about turning that stove to life but those mini yous were great too."
"Yeah, that stove was a bad guy."
"Imagine if it was a boxer." The book giggled like a cliched evil villain. With the white cat and eye patch. Ash thought.
"Jesus, that would of been a challenge." Imagining the whole fight in his mind;
The stove stood. One of the pipes twisted into a ghoulish face of pain and dismemberment, it ripped itself from the floor; having two stumpy pipes as legs. Both stumps red with heat and water, steam pouring from the cuts and cracks. The stove screamed with a machine-like voice and throw it's right arm at Ash's head. Ash didn't duck, his brain not communicating the danger back to his muscles and he got hit square in the left side of his head.
"I know, I wish I had thought of that when I was there." The book laughed again.
"Yeah, I wish you would never thought of it." Ash smiled, looking down at the book like they had been friends for life.
"So..." The book trailed off. "where were we?"
"Oh... yeah; we've been in the medieval times, the moon, alien planet, Victorian London and Scotland." He waved his shotgun around as if he was proving it was Scotland. "So, where next?"
"I don't know..."
"You don't know?!"
"Oh shut up! The idiots that wrote me just wrote down random coordinates for time, space and everything else."
"So... We've been jumping around crazily because you don't have a map?!"
"Basically."
"Fine... fine... just send us to a random universe."
"Okay, will do; you get a three day head-start."
"Ok... thanks? I think."
"Well, three... two." The wind picked up and a black hole opened behind them, filled with random squares of color. Ash's clothes were pulling back to the hole and his chainsaw hand was being dragged to the hole, he had to hold his shotgun for dear life or it would of been thrown it. "Oops... sorry." The book grinned. "See you in three days!" The book shouted.
"Damn you book!" Ash was pulled back into the black hole and as soon as he passed the black hole's entry line, Ash was knocked out.
"ergh?" Ash groaned, his head feeling as if it had went through a stag party. His eyes hurt, his brain was banging out a tune that sounded like one of the guitarists was being strangled. As he opened his eyes, sun instantly assaulted them. "ARGH!" Ash rolled over on his front, having his nose bent up to between his eyes. "errrrrggghhh." He groaned, his straightened up and lifted himself up. After he wiped dirt of his S.mart shirt, trousers and shotgun, he blinked a couple hundred times, every time making a creepy squishing sound.
Where the hell am I? Looks like earth but there's no pollution, no traffic noises, no nothing...
Then Ash got hit by a train of thought that made him slap himself on the head with his eyes the same as bug's.
"Jesus H. Christ! I'm in an Amish universe!" He screamed, holding his shotgun out to his left in the air and his chainsaw abomination of a hand to the right.
For a few hours, Ash dragged his shotgun behind him by it's barrel, walking through the woods where he had awoken; seeing no other people and nothing other then trees and the occasional birds.
Stupid Amish, no phone service, no bacon... do they eat bacon? I'm going to have to check, probably not. Damn Amish, no bacon, no technology... no shotgun shells.
He trudged on a little more but then suddenly shot down to his knees, sliding the shotgun up his hands to it's firing position. In front of Ash, munching away at some grass, was a deer, it's was fat in the stomach a bit. Ash held up the sights to his eye, trying to control his breathing. He inched forward a bit and scuffed on a rock; the deer noticed and cocked it's head to Ash, it's legs moved to run.
BANG!
The deer's neck twisted and it lay dead in the very moss it had been eating. Ash dragged the deer behind him, trying to find a clearing.
It was nightfall when he find a good clearing. He had built a fire and lighted it with some matches, he tried to tear up part of the deer but it wouldn't budge. He shot at it, just a bit of black spots; looks more like make-up then a shotgun shot.
"What in the loving god?" Ash muttered to himself, having a dumbfounded look; looking from the shotgun and to the deer. "What is this? A deadite deer?" He murmured to himself, Ash revved the chainsaw and tried to cut into it; the chain clattered and all the deer did was judder. "Come on!" He shot at the deer again, nothing just a fat ripple. "ARGH!" Ash lunged at the deer and tried to bite at it but nothing, the deer's skin was basically as strong as metal.
"What in god's name is going-" Ash's eyes wondered to an apple. "hell, I'll go vegan for a bit." He wondered over and grabbed it; taking a bit out of it. "Meh, not bad." He finished the apple and went to sleep, using the deer as a pillow.
It's all you're really good.
Ash's sleep was stopped by the light being shone through his eyelids, he yawned and patted his pillow, which flinched. Did it just... no... it couldn't.
He patted again, flinch.
Ok... that was real.
He shot up like a rocket and so did his pillow of a deer, it shot through the woods and was out of eyesight in a matter of seconds.
"What?! It's like I'm in a cartoon or something! What has that book done to my gun?!" He picked up his shotgun and shook it; as he did, it fired and it struck right through a tree falling like it had been near a lumberjack. "JESUS!" Ash screamed as he jumped out the way as it fell to it's feet. "What sort of cartoon am I in? A newspaper story one or a little kid's one!?" Ash moved his shotgun around his hands and put it in the right place. Okay, let's see what this is. He fired his double barrel a few thousands times and never had a need for reloading, he shot down as many trees as those deforestation leaflets try to fear-monger you with. "WOO! THIS IS AMAZING!" Ash screamed, shooting down all the trees he could see in his adrenaline induced faze.
After a few minutes, he stopped; finally realizing he had shot down as many trees as people in the world. That. Was. Indeed. Fun. He sat down on the grass and held his smoking shotgun in his hands, looking over it with an amazed look; grinning like a maniac. So, I'm either in a cartoon or an action movie... let's find the inhabitants and see which it is.
Ash walked through the destroyed woods, having a immovable smirk plastered across his face as he hopped, skipped and jumped over logs, trees and branches. The trees had basically exploded, trees reduced to thousands upon thousands of twigs, only a dozen were over the size of a log. After Ash had finished his trip down grinning lane, he came back to the a more wooded area again; he resisted the urge to go trigger happy again and continued to walk. After walking for about an hour, Ash came across the deer he had used as a pillow; he only recognized it because of it's 'make-up' mishap splattered on one side of it.
"Hey, Splatter. Ta ta ta, Splatter!" Ash talked to the deer as if it were a cat on a wall. The deer turned to look at Ash and went to him, the deer started to act like a cat and was scratching the antlers against his shirt. "A'wwwww," he scratched the deer's side. "You are just a big fuzz ball, ain't yah?!" He jokingly spoke it to deer while stroking it like a cat. "You wanna be my partner?" He grabbed 'Splatter's' ears playfully and shook his head like he was nodding. "Well, okay... hold on Spla-" While he was patting down his pockets, he said. "I gotta think of a better name for you..." He found a little length of string but not enough for a lead for the deer. "Godda- Hold on, Ash Williams you are a genius." He pushed the shotgun down into the holster on his back and took it off, he hovered it over the deer for a bit of measurement on the holster. After getting his half decent measurements, he un-clipped the holster and got it around the deer's torso, clipping it back.
Ash... you are a genius... you invented the first shotgun deer... are you drunk?
"I got it! You can be called 'Shotty'!" He held up his finger as if he invented the theory of gravity and sliced bread at the same time. The deer looked over it's shoulder to the holster, then to Ash and a complying grunt at him. "Good boy... let's go and see if we can find some deadites." He slapped the side of the deer and it followed him. Okay... this narrows it done to either a action movie or a cartoon with flaws... that doesn't narrow it down... damn it! I'm stupid! They walked on with a deer carrying his shotgun and Ash walking in grabbing distance of the double barrel just in case.
After a few hours, they had come to a darker part of the woods and Ash noticed the deer had become flustered slightly and was looking around rapidly.
"Hey," he said to the deer, pausing to wait for it to look at him. "Shotty... we are going to be fine, trust in-" Ash was cut off by a groan from the forest, not from an animal, not from a human, but from;
"A stinking rotting deadite!" He shouted, pulling the double barrel from the deer, resting the barrel on the deer, placing a hand of the deer and firing a volley of shots into the treeline where the moan originated; all of this in a matter of two seconds.
Ash knew the deer would sprint so as soon as he had fired his shots, he grabbed part of the holster and sat himself on the deer's back just a few milliseconds before it bolted to where it thought was safe.
After a few minutes of bolting, the deer had come to a town, no one was around. Odd... it's light. He lifted up his watch. Five in the morning?! I got to hide! His mind screamed at him. In his brain, it was like politics, an argument over places to hide in the town that probably didn't even exist, then his mind came to a snap decision big tree houses over here, hide!
He jogged while crouched, beckoning 'Shotty' all the way. When he reached the door, he lent against it and was about to knock but the door pushed in, he fell to the ground and Shotty jumped over him, clattering his hooves on the wooden floor in front of him.
"Ergh." Ash groaned as he got up and shut the door. He let against it for a few seconds then slid down and just laid by it. After a few minutes, Shotty came up and got under Ash's arm; he smirked and slid the shotgun into it's holster, then after a few minutes, fell asleep.
"Argh!" A voice screamed out, waking both Ash and Shotty from their sleep. Instinctively, Ash pulled the shotgun from it's holster and pointed it at the voice, when his instincts let him see, he saw he was pointing his double barrel at a purple dragon with a green Mohawk who was whimpering now like a small dog.
"Dude," Ash held his shotgun on it's side and had his hands in a surrendering pose. "Calm... don't throw me out of the street, mister Dragon." He smirked, hoping to dear god this thing didn't know how to breath fire.
"OH GOD! TWILIGHT! HELP!" The thing screamed, flailing it's arms and running around.
Mmmmm... This is a bit odd... it's a bloody dragon that is asking for people's help... Then Ash's jaw dropped. This... isn't... a... human. Ash flipped his shotgun back as soon as he noticed the thing on the stairs had a horn and could probably;
Jack Ripper my ass.
"You aren't human!" Ash screamed, pointing the shotgun at the purple horse. "Explain to me! Where are the humans!? WHERE?!" Ash screeched, lunging the shotgun with every word, trying to look threatening through his words, trying to hide his paranoia.
"Spike! Come here! Quickly!" The purple horse shouted nervously over to the dragon. The dragon ran up the stairs and burrowed his face into the abomination of purple's chest. "What are you and what do you want?!" It shouted at Ash.
"I want three things; number one! I want to know where some more humans are. Number two! To tell me what the hell you are. Number three! I want a few beers!"
"Well, sir! Number one! I don't know what a hu-man is or if any exist! Number two! A unicorn from pony kind! Number three! I don't no what a beer is either!"
"So, hold on. There are no humans, you are a purple unicorn and there is no beer here?"
"Yes, yes and yes."
Ash got up, getting Shotty up as well, having them together. One of us will make a good shield for the other, right buddy? "Okay, okay; can I explain why I'm here?"
"Put that 'weapon' back where you can then yes, yes, you can."
"okay, okay," Ash slotted the double barrel into Shotty's back holster. "Can I explain now?"
"Yes, you can. Just don't be threatening."
"Fine, fine; well, basically, a book written in blood and bound by human flesh has sent me to this universe and will soon invade with an army of the damned and disgusting," Ash studied the thing's face which was looked at his face with it's eyes moving back and forth. "If you don't believe me, it's okay."
"Twilight," the purple dragon softly pulled at unicorn's chest thing's name is Twilight... ok... better not be a freaking vampire. "he's obviously lying."
"No he isn't, Spike."
"Uh?" Ash and Spike added, then Ash hurriedly added. "Yeah, of course, I'm not lying."
"I put a truth spell on him while he was putting his 'weapon' away, it was pretty easy." She giggled.
"Ok, Egghead; how are you going to help me?"
The Stranger Behind The Curtain
"Okay, Elements," Twilight began, trotting in front of a purple curtain put up in the library. "We have a problem."
"Discord? Is he putting chilies in the water well again? "Fluttershy said shyly, as she hovered over the ground, looking off to the left of Twilight. "I'm so sorry, Twilight, I'll tell him about it again."
"No, Fluttershy, it isn't-"
"So, is it a super cool monster made out of bricks and black magic and-" Rainbow flew around, letting her imagination go wild with thoughts of fighting the biggest, greatest and strongest monster she could think of before being cut off by Twilight.
"No, Rainbow! No big mon-"
"Parasprites again? They ain't coming near my-" Applejack started and she imitated poking something with a pitchfork.
"No, Applejack, not parasprites."
"Oooohhhh, me, me, me!" Pinkie screamed. "Author... please!" She pleaded to the sky, almost praying.
"Pinkie? What... you okay?"
"Yes! Is it monster presents?!"
"No... it's not that..."
"Oh..."
"Darling?" Rarity said, holding up her hoof. "What is it then?"
"Thank you Rarity, thank you for seeing a bit of reason." Twilight said, being jokingly sarcastic. "Well, hold on for a minute and I'll let you see." Twilight dashed behind the curtain and wheeled something forward.
"What are you doing?!" A voice came from behind the curtain. The other elements both raised an eyebrow to each other and leaned to the curtain trying to get more of the conversation.
"I'm trying to get some brain equipment on you." Twilight spoke to the stranger behind the curtain.
"Brain equipment?! ARE YOU TRYING TO BRAINWASH ASH WILLIAMS?!" The stranger shouted, Rainbow grinned, Applejack rolled her eyes noticing the stranger's ego, Pinkie Pie giggled slightly at his funny name, Rarity recoiled slightly then leaned in more than before.
"No, I am not trying to brain wash you; I am trying to see your dreams and thoughts." Twilight tired to speak softly to him and the elements thought it would have stopped screaming by now.
"No! You are not seeing my dreams and thoughts!"
"Why not?"
"I do not live in a cartoon, all my thoughts are unfiltered by children's cartoon logic! It's got some stuff up here, man!"
"Cartoon? Children?"
"I'm not explaining it! You are just not allowed to look into my head!"
"Well, then," Twilight continued. Making the rest of them anxious at the 'stallion's' rage about his brain. "How can we judge if you are evil or not?"
"Here's a reason, I haven't shot in the head yet."
"Shot?"
A groan emitted from behind the curtain. "It's basically this." A few clicks were heard behind the curtain then a wild flash with a large bang escorting it.
All of the elements recoiled and all shouted "Twilight!" And as they tried to charge the curtain, sunlight blinded them; when they looked up; there was a gaping hole in the ceiling, they still retained their charge and shot through the curtain; only have a millisecond of purple blindness.
"TWILIGHT!" They yelled before looking around the space that was cut off. After they did, they noticed that the purple unicorn they were yelling for. Twilight had fallen to the floor, her eyes rolling around and one of her hooves almost latched to the side of her face and next to her was a primate with two hellish looking equipment. "GET HIM!"
"OH LORD!" Ash shouted as he tried to hold his own against five multicolored talking ponies, which he couldn't. All he did has get his shotgun basically attached to his chest by two blue hooves then got knocked out by orange ones.
"But mom, school is so boring." Ash gurgled in his sleep, still unconscious as Rainbow and Applejack restrained him to the center table of the library with old rope they found in the basement, Pinkie Pie set up decoration for a 'come out of an Apple sucker punch' party, Rarity and Twilight fashioning the helmet of the equipment on Ash's head. "Please mom, I don't wanna."
"What is he even gurgling about?" Applejack muttered to Rainbow, tightening her rope.
"No a clue, probably a nightmare." Rainbow smirked, tightening up her rope.
"A nightmare? But it's a dream about sch- ... oh... good one, Rainbow."
"I knew you would like it."
"Why?" Applejack came up from the rope and looked across Ash's chest at where Rainbow would be if she moved her head up.
"Because," Rainbow got up and looked over to Applejack. "As Twilight would say 'because you are'" she paused for effect, pretending to be swirling something with her hoof and looking at it, after a few seconds, she looked back and said. "'An uncultured swine'"
"Oi! You are uncultured!"
"How?"
"Do you have some of, as Rarity would say," imitating the same casual voice Rainbow put on for 'as Twilight would say'. "Zecora's decor," Applejack tried to copy Rarity's voice but ended up with a lousy copy. "In your house?"
"No but-"
"Who's uncultured now?" She toothily grinned.
"I am." Rainbow muttered.
"What did you say?" She leaned in, with a hoof over her ear.
"I am." Rainbow muttered slightly louder.
"What did you say, Rainbow?"
"I AM!" Rainbow shouted, making Ash stir slightly.
Ash scrunched up his face slightly and tilted his head slightly. "Mom don't shout, the alarm does that."
"Will you two stop arguing and don't wake him?" Twilight said, tying wires together and pushing them through holes in the helmet.
"Why don't you want him to wake up? So he doesn't discover a purple pony has a crush on him?" Rainbow giggled as she spoke and at the end, burst out laughing and soon followed, so did Applejack.
"No," Twilight got up from her equipment, letting a green wire hang from the helmet. "I just want to get this equipment on him without him arguing."
"Ohhh, looks like you and your boyfriend," Applejack giggled loudly, cutting her sentence a bit, letting Twilight fill with rage. "Want to try new things." Again both Rainbow Dash and her burst out laughing again.
Twilight groaned, levitating the green wire and putting back into it's bundle of wires. "Just restrain him."
Both Applejack and Rainbow shared an 'oooooo' and went back to work, giggling as they did.
"Dear," Rarity started to Twilight as she rolled the some machinery across the floor. "Why do we need to scan his thoughts, anyway?"
"Well, we need to see if he's evil or not."
"But he didn't," Rarity stopped pushing the machine and put her hoof under her chin. "Didn't..." Her face lit up. "Shoot you! He didn't shoot you, so he isn't evil right?"
"Maybe but trickery is a thing."
After she finished rolling the machine over to where Twilight is. "Yeah... his clothes are pretty ruined, aren't they?"
"Are you asking if you can make him some clothes?" Twilight raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, we don't want ponies to believe he's homeless..." She trailed off. "Twilight, how are we supposed to hide him?"
"We could just tell people about him."
The rest of the elements gasped. "Are you crazy?!" They all said at the same time.
"No, just brilliantly intelligent." She chuckled.
"Ponies aren't goin' to be very acceptin' of that." Applejack pointed at hoof at Ash and then scratched her chin. "... what is that anyway?"
Pinkie who had been quiet for most of the conversations, turned from her 'Sucker-Punch Special' balloons and shouted. "He's a monkey!"
The other elements turned to Pinkie with startled dumbfounded faces. Twilight cleared her throat and asked, "Pinkie, why would he be a monkey?"
"Well, he didn't start as a monkey, he started as a single cell organism and went up to fish then a lot of boring stuff, blah blah fire blah blah wheel, then after a r-r-r-r-really long time he became a monkey!"
"So," Twilight began. "Your theory is... he's a monkey?"
"Yes, duh Twilight, read the evolution of species."
"What is the evolution of species?"
"It's a really old book by a stallion with a big beard and it tells you all this boring stuff about how one cell organisms became monkeys!"
"Where is this book?"
"... I don't know, I have things that come and go."
"It just went?"
"No, I sold it."
"Sold it to who?"
"I sold it to the Canterlot library!" Pinkie chimed.
As Pinkie chimed, Twilight sighed; the Canterlot library is used as must as a oven filled with fireworks. It's only used for when Equestria falls or is failing, that's the main thing, the only other is for knowledge which no pony wants.
"Okay..." Rainbow hovered above the ground with a confused look on her face. "Let's not go into a full scale argument battle about books and monkeys but think more about how or where we are going to hide... 'Ash'..."
Pinkie Pie, while tying balloons to the 'welcome back cart', said, in a sing song fashion. "Why not Rarity's?"
As soon as Pinkie had said this, the other elements turned to Rarity, who had finished putting a large piece of machinery right next to Ash's head. As soon as her brain registered what Pinkie said, her concentration turned to complete terror. "No! No! NO! I'm not having that in my house! N-"
Rarity was cut off by Ash stirring and saying. "No dear, I wasn't having the nurse with big boobs dream again."
Every-pony in room raised an eyebrow but after a few seconds, Twilight's eyes started to dart. "Quick! We need to hurry! Equipment, restraints..." Twilight looked at Pinkie. "And the party."
"Woo-hoo!"
Applejack and Rainbow Dash tightened the restraints, forcing themselves to ignore the red marks they had make with the ropes.
Pinkie moved her 'Woo-hoo, welcome back to reality' and other balloons in Ash's direction, after she did, she pushed some mysterious canisters into the side.
Twilight and Rarity rushed with wires sticking them into the helmet, random green, red and yellow wires were in random holes in the helmet.
Ash's eyes opened and he tried to move his hand, after he couldn't, he tried again, after he couldn't... again, he tried to move his legs. Nothing... Wait a minute... Goddamn it! They are trying to search my head!
"HEY!" Ash screamed at the top of his voice. "You can't search my-"
"Sorry Ash," Twilight looked over so Ash could see her. "But, Applejack; sucker punch please."
"Wait wait! Someone he-"
Orange darkness again and then black darkness.
Fan-bloody-tastic.