Jem Pickens and the Magical Magic Elements of Magical Harmonious Magic
Land and Earth work as one, and as one they display themselves as one. Without one, the other does not exist, as the humans of the Earth have nothing to walk on and will eventually drown and die.
“Fire!”
“What? Where?!”
“No you dumbass, I mean fire the cannons!”
A bright light escaped the muzzle of a massive black cannon, propelling a cannonball towards its intended target: New York City.
Who was this menace attacking the glorious city that was the York of New? Why, it was none other than the evil British Republic of United Republican Immigrants from Democratic Communist Oriented Nations.
They were sitting on a boat in the middle of the waters, its hull a deep shade of brownish-yellowish tan green orange, with a hint of red and blue and stuff. In fact, the ship itself was a giant rainbow. The British had learned how to harvest rainbows back in 1961 after they defeated the Evil Leprechauns of Zirconia. Draining their colors with use of the British Rainbow Factory, BRURIFDCON began coloring all of their machines of war in their signature polychromatic paint of doom.
The British were looking for something…or someone. Who was this person that the Evil British Nation was searching for? Why are the British attacking poor New York Citay? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Jem Pop? The world may never know!
****
Awaking from his glorious slumber, Jem Pickens opened his eyes and allowed the beaming sunlight to poor into his retinas. The UV radiation ignited Jem’s eyes and allowed him to see God himself. God told The Jem to get his fat, lazy ass out of bed and make some breakfast to start his day. So he did.
The days of The Jem have been very boring lately. Typically they just repeat the same tasks everyday of waking up, forgetting to put on pants, making breakfast, and then killing someone and damaging public property. You know, simple mundane stuff. The Jem grew tired of his routine.
Exiting his bed, Jem thought to himself: “Gee golly wiz, it sure is offly lonely around here.” Jem was instantly shot by the neighbors for talking like a petty white woman from the 80s. He was then resurrected by God once more, smacked across the face, and told to stop dilly dallying.
Jem Pickens decided that it was time for a change. No longer would he be subjected to the same old routine day after day. He would think of a new activity to keep him occupied. One that took massive amounts of brain power and skill, because the Jem was the greatest human being who ever lived ever period ever yo swag. But what activity could this be? What possible activity was great enough to be activitized by The Jem?
Out of the corner of his eye, Jem caught a glimpse of his Jemputer.
“Hmm…” He thought to himself. “I know! I’ll play some League of Luck Laborious Luscious Lemon Lepard Lesbians!”
Thus, a grin appeared on The Jem’s face that would rival that of the Joker himself. Jem ran over to his Jemputer, skipping like a little school girl with a jar of mayonnaise rammed up her ass. Sitting in the black, velvet Jem Chair, Jem pressed the Jem Start Button causing the technical shizzle wizzle frontal light to illuminate and the Jemputer to boot up. Abruptly, the room was filled with what sounded like a coffee maker straining coffee. After a mere 5 minutes, the Jem Monitor displayed a welcome message with a loading progress bar.
After a good hour and a half of playing patty cake with himself, Jem relished in the completion of the loading screen. He gazed upon the Jem Monitor as the Jem Desktop appeared before his very eyes. He looked around and made an attempt to find the LoLx5 application, unfortunately it was rather difficult considering he had renamed every icon to “The Jem Sees All.”
“Ah! Found it!” he proclaimed, double clicking on the blue and gold icon. Now when I say double clicking, I of course mean mashing the left click button with the fury of a thousand pregnant tsunamis. The Jem stared blankly at his Jem Monitor. Nothing was happening… what in the world could be the matter?
Out of nowhere, 20 Billion LoLx5 windows opened all at once. So many in fact, that the game actually bugged out and started a game for the Jem, picking him Nidalee and giving him the mid lane.
The Jem’s eyes widened. “Mother FU- “Minions have spawned””
The Jem decided to try and play the game, regardless. He quickly hurried to the mid lane, but realized that he had forgotten to purchase any items. The second he reached the tower, he chucked a spear, but it disappeared into the Fog of War, turned around, and one shot Jem, giving the kill to the opposing mid-laner.
Eight Minutes into the game, the enemy Talon was 34 and 1. The one coming from The Jem hacking the game and stabbing Talon with a knife.
Jem Pickens decided that it would not be a good idea to just give up, so he instead decided to give it his all. Roaming the jungle, Jem ran into the enemy Darius, who instantly pressed R, but did virtually no damage at all. Inspecting his items, the Jem found that all Darius had was a death cap.
“Hello there old friend!” Darius shouted. “How are the kids doing?”
Jem scowled. “Give me back my translation device you bastard! …And I don’t have any kids!”
Darius began laughing. “Sorry, but if you want it back, come and get it. Honestly, it doesn’t seem like you need it.”
“You’re just lucky I learned how to English!”
Darius started laughing again. “And can I ask why you don’t have any boots?”
At this point, The Jem started to become insanely frustrated. Not with how the game was going or with Darius, but with the fact that the entire time Jem has been playing, the game has been running at 5 frames per second. Jem Pickens slammed his fist into his Jemboard with anger and grunted like a sperm whale. It was time for an upgrade, this was getting ridiculous.
Jem sat and thought for a moment. Where in the world could he get a new Jemputer?
“Of course!” he thought to himself. “The Black Market!”
***
“Sup nigga, wat chu want?”
Jem Pickens stared into the face of a massive black man, complete with huge pecks and a tee-shirt with pictures of bitches booties.
Jem chose his words very carefully and asked the black man if he had any spare computers that The Jem could have to play World of WarKraft: Mac and Cheese on.
The black man looked at the Jem. His pant-less image engrained into the negro’s brain for all of eternity. The black man then stopped and thought for a moment about his question.
“Yo, dawg, we don’t really have any ‘puters ta part wit at the moment, ya feel me?”
The Jem began sobbing like a little boy with sponges for eyes. “Are you sure you don’t have ANYTHING? A fucking potato would be more powerful than what I currently have!
The black man once again stopped and thought. “Well…” he began. “I mean, we do hav somethin’ …but nigga… you wouldn’t want it, trust me yo. Trust me.”
“I’ll take it!” the Jem shouted without a moment’s hesitation. “Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme GIMME BITCH”
“Alrigh’ Alrigh’! Damn, nigga. I’ll give ya the ‘puter if yo jus’ shut ya damn face!”
The Jem began grinning like a paperclip on fire. The black man disappeared into the house and there was audible noise as the black man shifted around boxes and objects in an attempt to find the ’puter that he spoke of. The black man returned carrying a small black box with the letter “E” on it.
“Legends say that little nigga’s like yoself that use this ‘puter… something strange happens to ‘em, ya feel me? They neva leave their homes again.”
Not hearing a single word that had been spoken to him, Jem took the computer from the black man. When Jem asked how much the computer was, and was told it was free, Jem Pickens exploded on the inside, and ran like a Mexican back to his house.
Jem Pickens ripped his old Jemputer out of the wall, and chucked it out a window of his Jem Cave. He waited, and heard a loud scream as it fell on top of a random lady, spontaneously murdering her. Jem grabbed the mysterious EBox, and plugged it into the wall. Making all the proper connections, Jem sat back in his Jem Chair and smiled happily to himself. He stared at the EBox and wondered how in the absolute hell he turned the device on. There was no power button anywhere.
The black market computer didn’t appear to have come with any sort of instructions or manual on how to operate it. Viewing every edge of the box, it became apparent that a power button was nonexistent. Jem grabbed the EBox and began shaking it vehemently. The giant letter E on the top of the box began illuminating a bright blue. Jem Pickens, feeling contempt, set the box down and returned to his Jem Chair, gazing upon the Jem Monitor.
Suddently, the Jem Monitor displayed a picture of a loading bar, with a jumping Pink horse above it. The bar filled up almost as fast as it appeared and vanished into the blackness of the screen. Instead of going to the desktop, the Jem Monitor displayed YouTube, and a video started playing. The video was labeled “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic: Episode 607 1080p HD.” Jem gasped in horror.
“The fuck is this shit? Some stupid show for little girls? I’m not some autistic faggot that sits on YouTube watching this garbage all day!”
The video froze suddenly, and the “E” on the EBox began glowing red instead of blue. A loud grinding noise filled the room, and Jem cried out as he was engulfed in a massive bright light. He experienced the feeling of every bone in his body being crushed at once and every piece of his flesh being burned to a crisp. His very soul felt as if it were being twisted and tugged on by the strength of ten thousand gods.
The light then faded into the darkness, and Jem Pickens slowly lost consciousness until he was out cold, drifting in an endless void. Dreaming…of peanut butter flavored tractors.
***
Jem Pickens opened his eyes, gasping for air, and rubbed his face with his left hand. The Jem felt as though he had just fallen from a 20 story building and landed on his face.
“Where am I?” The Jem asked himself.
Jem Pickens made an attempt to sit up and get a better look at where he was. Unfortunately, the attempt failed and The Jem farted loudly instead. He realized that he was obviously outside, as he could see the bright blue sky lingering overhead, and he was lying in a bed of soft grass, the blades prodding at the undersides of his arms and lower back. Making one final attempt, Jem Pickens grunted and managed to sit up. Suddenly, his eyes grew larger than his brain and his mouth dropped open, allowing at least 14 flies to enter. What The Jem was looking at was the second most beautiful thing he had ever seen (the first being himself in the mirror).
He saw miles of rolling hills of green grass. Massive purple mountains, reaching as high as the eye could see. The sun appeared to be dancing in the cyan sky, it’s welcoming glow shining on The Jem’s glorious face. Most importantly, however, was the thing smack dab in the middle of the rolling green hills. A village. A town, perhaps? No. A village. With many, many pink houses, that contained pink roofs and pink doorways. Everything was really pink. Also there were pink things. Did I mention it was pink?
Jem Pickens noticed an old, rickety wooden sign in front of him. The sign had black writing on it with a single line of text that made the Jem’s brain suddenly explode with interest and excitement: “Welcome… To Ponyville.”
“Ponyville?” The Jem asked himself. “What an odd name for a village. What the heck happened to me? Where in the heck am I?”
Out of absolute nowhere, a voice was heard. A bubbly voice of which The Jem had never heard before, but for some reason, couldn’t help but feel happy while listening to it.
“You’re in Ponyville, silly!” shouted the voice.
Jem looked around for who had said that. Unfortunately, there was no one there other than a jumping pink horse with literal cotton candy as a mane, but The Jem was smart enough to know that horses were incapable of talking.
Jem Pickens reached out and poked the pink horse in the face, laughing hysterically to himself.
“Hey! That wasn’t very nice you know. I don’t go around poking you in the face all willy nilly. You really should be more careful with those fingers of yours!”
The Jem retracted his hand, and voided his bowls in shock and awe. The…Horse! It had talked! The horse had talked! Jem Pickens opened his mouth to ask for its name, but all that came out was “mmmNOPE, NOPE, NOPE, ALL OF MY NOPE! HOLY MOTHER FUCK SHIT DONKEY BALLS, A MOTHER FUCKING TALKING HORSE?! HORSES CAN’T TALK! AWAY WITH YOU DEMON! AWAY WITH YOU I SAY! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!
“Hey, wait!” called out the mysterious pink horse. But it was too late. The Jem had already gotten up and hauled ass out of there. He ran as fast as his scrawny, pant-less legs would take him; heading straight towards this ‘Ponyville’.
Continuing to run, never once looking back, Jem Pickens eventually found that he had run so fast and so hard that he hadn’t noticed what was in front of him. Before he knew what was happening, BAM! The Jem ran face first into something…or someone.
The Jem looked up, and saw a black figure staring at him. Its eyes glowed yellow, glistening with anger and hatred. No details of the creature were visible. The entire creature appeared as if it were made of a black hole.
There was a loud hissing sound as the creature opened it’s (what appeared to be) mouth, revealing millions of white, sharp knives for teeth. It took one look at The Jem, and stopped in its tracks. The creature leapt over Jem and began running in the direction that the batman wannabe idiot had come from.
Jem Pickens sat for a moment rubbing his face with his foot. What in the world was that thing? Out of the corner of his eye, Jem noticed something… very strange. He nearly explode-farted again, when he noticed what was in front of him. Thousands of pastel colored horses, all residing presumably in the homes around him. There were what appeared to be Unicorns as well, and ones with wings. Some of the horses had shit all and looked like normal, boring ass horses, much like the pink one that The Jem had run into upon his arrival. What was the most odd, was that every single one of them, big or small, were staring straight at Jem Pickens.
***
Two days had passed since that moment. The horses all enigmatically reached out to Jem Pickens, and offered him their hooves, welcoming him into their homes, and offered him shelter from the weather. The Jem was very thankful for all that the creatures were doing for him, although he still did not understand where he was or what had happened to him. And seriously, why the fuck can horses talk all of a sudden?
One day, Jem Pickens was eating a hay sandwich when he decided to ask a random blue earth pony sitting next to him where in the hell he was.
“Well, you’re currently in Ponyville… and this is the house of…” the blue, face headed horse thing stopped talking and hesitated for a moment. “Wait…” it began again. “You’re not from around here, are you? In fact, by your looks, you’re not even from this world.”
The blue unicorn eyeballed Jem Pickens from head to toe, stopping at the area of him that didn’t have pants on.
The blue unicorn was now Jem Picken’s sole mate. “My name is Blueberry Tart, by the way, in case you were wo-“
“NO. SHUT UP. YOUR NAME IS BLUE HORSE NOW.”
The Jem waved his arms in the air without a care, and knocked over a nearby vase. The vase shattered into millions of tiny pieces. Blueberry gasped in horror, got up quickly, and ran over to the shattered ceramic pottery.
“That..” she began, as tears filled her eyes, “That was my grandfather’s gift to me, just before he passed away.”
The crying horse had an emotional impact on The Jem, one of which was hilarious, and Jem started laughing really loud. Then he felt bad and said sorry and was all good now, yes.
Blueberry told The Jem that he was in the land of Equestria, and it was very rare that humans ever visited their world. But there was something about Jem Pickens that Blueberry noticed was different. This human, was actually, truly, most likely, retarded. And that was just what the world of Equestria needed at the moment.
Blueberry began speaking to Jem Pickens again, lowering her voice to make sure that she was not heard by unwanted ears. “Jem… I know who you are. You’re the Dumbass Who Lived. The Dark Knight’s retarded cousin. An incestuous creation of God himself. You’re a hero in the world that you come from. We need your help, Jem Pickens.”
The Jem looked into Blueberry’s eyes. They were a lovely shade of red. The kind of red that burrowed deep into your soul and gave you cancerous pneumonia.
“What do you need from me, Blue horse?” Jem asked.
“The name is Blueberry Tart, and it’s not me who needs your help, it’s a friend of mine. She’s fallen to the darkness. You must help her.”
“What’s in it for me? Why should I care what happens to this friend of yours?” Jem asked while playing Poke’mon on his Gameboy Advance.
“If you help us.” Blueberry Tart looked around her once more, making sure no one was around. “I will give you the gift of immortality, and the powers of a God.”
Jem suddenly stopped battling the Zigzagoon that he was, and looked up, his eyes growing wide, and his face drooling all over his Gameboy. Throwing the Gameboy out the window, Jem stood up and proclaimed: “I’ll do it! For justice!”
Blueberry joyfully clapped her hooves together. “I’m so glad to hear it! I actually thought that we were going to have to grind another human into stew!”
“What was that?” asked The Jem.
“Haha.. hahahaha, oh… oh nothing!”
Blueberry quickly got up and began walking towards the door. “Quickly.” she said. “We must make haste, or it may be too late. Grab a coat off the desk, it’s going to rain soon.
Jem Pickens looked outside. It appeared to be a sunny, glorious day. Happy birds singing and people outside playing. It wasn’t even close to raining anytime soon. Ignoring Blueberry’s request, Jem laughed to himself and walked outside. The moment he set foot on the dirt coated ground steps, rain began to poor down from the heavens, drenching The Jem entirely.
“What!? How the fuck is it raining?”
“I warned you.” Blueberry said, slightly giggling. “Here in Equestria, the weather is on a schedule. All storms and weather conditions are managed by our weather team.
“What fucking kind of crazy fucking shit is this shit? Magical weather horses? Who the fuck comes up with this?” The Jem was so mad that he actually managed to dry himself off with his anger, and create a rain repelling shield that radiated molten fury that caused every rain drop to sizzle away into nothingness.
Jem eventually calmed down and asked, “Why is everything around here controlled by fucking magical horses? How are they able to control the weather anyways?”
“The pegasi are able to move clouds here, creating different patterns for different types of storms. This rain storm was authorized by the weather captain… but unfortunately… she’s-“
“Then take me to this fucking weather captain, I want to yell at her like I yell at my new dog!”
Blueberry lowered her head, and kicked up a cloud of dirt. “That’s… That’s kind of the problem. You see, our weather captain has been acting a little… ‘odd’ lately. She’s gone to locking herself in her house. Come, allow me to show you.”
Grabbing onto her magical tatter tot, Blueberry Tart lifted herself into the air. Jem Pickens grabbed onto her tail and away they went into the sky, flying towards a magical place of magics! In actuality they headed towards Cloudsdale, a palace in the sky, full of fluffy clouds and pegasis things that fly around and stuff.
***
After flying for what seemed to be ten thousand years, The Jem grew tired of gripping onto Blueberry Tart’s tail and thought it would be a funny prank to let go of it. Instantly realizing that releasing her tail would affect him more than it would her, Jem fell through the sky like a majestic, mentally fucked bird. The Jem didn’t die from the fall because he managed to land inside of a hot air balloon and had something break his fall. It turned out to be a purple horse who had a horn thing on her head. The Jem felt intrigued and decided to try and touch it.
The magical purple horse thing decided to take pity on The Jem, because the purple horse mentioned that she was a massive fan of batman comics. The purple horse gave Jem Pickens the ability to temporarily fly and walk on clouds so that he would get the “literal, flying fuck” out of her hot air balloon. The Jem happily obliged and flew away heading towards Cloudsdale.
The Jem flapped his newly acquired Jem-Wings powerfully and vigorously until Jem Pickens was safely stationed on top of the fluffy, cloud floor. Magical purple shit started pulsing from the soles of Jem’s feet, and all the physics in the world suddenly said “Fuck you” at once, and allowed The Jem to stand stationary on the thick, opaque gathering of clouds.
Jem Pickens gasped at the sight he witnessed. An entire city made of nothing but clouds and decorative decorations of décor. It was a sight that only Jesus would have been worthy enough to gaze upon. That wasn’t really an issue, because Jem Pickens’ great great great grandfather was Jesus.
After several minutes of blankly gazing off into the distance and drooling on his costume, Jem witnessed Blueberry Tart fly up and land on the cloud next to him. She glared at him for several moments before shoving a tube of toothpaste into Jem’s mouth for no reason because I couldn’t think of anything else to say in this paragraph. Also, waffles.
Blueberry motioned for Jem to follow her, which he did happily, staring at her… tail because it is so fluffy and it reminded Jem of his old pet cat Mr. Llama, who unfortunately died in an unfortunate display of unfortunance when he fell down the garbage disposal. It was a sad day for The Jem, but he quickly got over it when a pack of Christmas carolers showed up at his door. Jem Pickens loved carolers because they were always unaware of the trap door that Jem had installed at his front door, hurtling unsuspecting visitors into a pit with the Kraken in it.
At this point in time Blueberry Tart noticed that Jem Pickens hadn’t been paying attention to anything that she was talking about. She had been talking for the past… oh idk 25 minutes? The Jem just sort of had a dumb look on his face, as if to question the meaning of life and his existence, which of course was to go to Harvard University and get a Masters in the Philosophical and Physic Nature of Toast.
Smacking The Jem across his forehead, Blueberry Tart began yelling, “Wake up, dumbass, we’re here!”
Jem Pickens and Blueberry Tart looked at a giant cloud house. It was made of fluffy clouds and has streams of water flowing down the sides of it. There was a giant, looming sign that was hanging from the front door that read, ‘Unless you have something useful to say, leave me alone. I’m working.’ Completely ignoring the sign, The Jem broke down the cloud door using a solar powered, laser gun baby rattle.
The Jem’s eyes widened for like the, what? Eighth time this story? What he saw in front of him was a sleeping, blue coated horse. It also had wings, as many of the residents did, but there was something about her (or him) that just didn’t seem right. His/her hair was the most glorious thing that human eyes had ever witnessed: A rainbow colored mane, containing 6 different colors of the rainbow, and radiating with the warming glow of friendship. Jem couldn’t quite place it, but something about him/her just made him want to… come inside.
“She’s a mare…” stated Blueberry Tart, looking frustrated with the Jem after noticing that he was staring at the blue horse with a look of utter confusion and horror on his face.
“She’s asleep. Please try not to wake her. She’s been having a hard time lately. She’s been very down, and hasn’t quite been acting like herself. Unfortunately, I think she may be sick… or worse.”
“Hey look! That Rainbow colored horse looks like a faggot!” shouted the Jem!
The mysterious, blue colored Pegasus rainbow hair thing opened her eyes, which were bloodshot in nature. She snarled at the grinning, pant-less moron that stood before her, who was staring at her as if she were edible.
“Hi Rainbow horse! Do you taste like skittles?”
The Rainbow Horse then opened her eyes and began to speak with her mouth hole. “Ok… I’m only going to ask this one time. Who the hell are you, and why did you wake me up for no rea- …What did you do to my door!?”
The Jem grinned like a sheepish frog, but didn’t have an answer to Rainbow Horse’s question. One does not simply describe who Jem Pickens is in detail. “My name is Jem Pickens, fair maiden, and I have come to free you from your bindings of tortuous discrimination and destruction of humanity’s fitness representation.”
The cyan Pegasus glared at The Jem with a look of frustration. She then turned to Blueberry Tart. “What in the hell is he talking about?”
Blueberry face hoofed with the power of 10 billion horses. “Just ignore him…” she said. “He doesn’t exactly have any form of a brain or any kind of coherent thought what so ever.”
The Rainbow Hair Blue Horse Thing nodded and began to smile. “Well in that case I suppose I can’t be too angry towards a little angry disabled man in a children’s costume. Hey there! My name is Rainbow Da..sh”
“MUFFINS” shouted The Jem, as he completely ignored the blue Pegasus’ introduction, and sped off towards a flying grey horse with a golden mane, carrying a muffin in hoof. At that moment, Jem Pickens could have been mistaken for a rampaging Ox as he sped forward, allowing no one person OR thing to get in his way (granted most of the outside obstacles were made of clouds). Leaping into the air with massive amounts of force, Jem Pickens lunged at the grey Pegasus and induced a scream that could be heard by the princess of the land, Princess Cel L. Estia and possibly even her sister, Princess Mooimacow. Reaching out his hand, The Jem grabbed the muffin from the grey horse, landed back on the cloud floor, and raised the muffin up towards the sky as if to say, “Look at this, God! I actually did something right for once!”
Unfortunately for Jem Pickens, the grey horse Pegasus person guy man girl began to cry. Jem felt bad, and looked deep into the eyes of the horse. However, when he did, he could see the future; It was full of fast cars and teleporters and the stuff that you get at the market because Batman was there and he was carrying a little baby full of Charizard evolved into Rapidos Grats you got 200 xp and 46 ManChild dollars.
Jem Pickens quickly shook his head and snapped out of the trance. “What the fucking fuck fuck? That horses eyes are so… so… just so… Der–rogatory .
The golden maned Pegasus raised an eyebrow, and then started laughing. She came to the conclusion that the person she was talking to was simply incapable of proper pony interaction. Flying away, she purchased another muffin, and flew on home.
Out of nowhere, Jem Pickens felt the pressure of a small, delicate hoof poking him in the back. Turning around, The Jem saw a small, child-like pony with a light blue coat and snow white hair. Her eyes seemed more faded than any other character that The Jem had encountered. He realized that she was most likely blind.
“Excuse me mister…” she began. “Do you know where I could find the local hotel? I got lost on my way back there, and I’m trying to get back to meet up with my mother.”
Jem Pickens stared down the little filly in front of him, and his heart grew 17 sizes that day.
Then, Jem’s face suddenly contorted when he noticed that she didn’t have any wings. “How the fuck did you even get up here?” Jem Pickens then exerted kinetic energy through his leg, punting the filly off the cloud with the force of 10000 llamas giving birth to Zeus himself. Screaming, the filly flew off into the distance and disappeared while falling towards the ground floor.
Blueberry Tart walked over and tugged on Jem Pickens by the ear. “Stop pissing around with unimportant background ponies and let’s get on with this.”
“Sorry …” Jem said, looking at the floor, feeling slightly bad about what he did, but then instantly forgetting all about it because he didn’t care.
Blueberry dragged The Jem back over to Rainbow Dash, and sat him down in front of her. She told him to explain to her why they were even there in the first place.
Jem Pickens opened his mouth, “Well Rainbow maned horse, Me and Blue Horse here..”
“Blueberry Tart”
“Yeah, whatever, anyways we’re here to see you because of some reason that no one ever told me because apparently I’m not cool enough to keep a secret.” A tear fell from The Jem’s eyes.
Rainbow Dash began to speak, “We have called upon you Jem Pickens, because I am in need of assistance. A… friend of mine has fallen to darkness. There is a black demon that is roaming these lands, and corrupting other ponies. Unfortunately, this force cannot be stopped unless we, or more specifically, YOU obtain the Magical Magic Elements of Magical Harmonious Magic. Or the MMEMHM for short.”
The Jem gazed into the eyes of his speaker. The words that flowed out came out like silk flowing through the morning breeze and into the Chinese temple of King Hubababa drowning on the hatred and intent of suicidal porcupines.
Long story short, Jem Pickens had not heard a single word that Rainbow Dash had uttered.
“Are you even paying attention?” she asked at last.
The Jem jumped, startled by the sudden question, and was unprepared to answer it. So, he reached out and slapped Blueberry Tart across the face.
“Ouch!” she yelled. “What in the world was that for?”
“No idea, I got bored.” Said The Jem, the most glorious human being in the universe.
This talk and information was very helpful to The Jem. He felt like he had a plan now, and a plan was a good thing. He knew that it was up to him, and him alone, to find and locate the location of the unlocated Magical Elements of… Jalapeño’s or something, The Jem didn’t know, The Jem hadn’t payed any attention. For fuck’s sake, The Jem is too busy to pay attention to petty details.
“Oh.” Rainbow Dash began speaking again out of her mouth hole. Unfortunately, Jem Pickens wasn’t very interested in THAT hole.
“I forgot to mention one thing. Before you set off on your journey to locate all 6 magical elements, you have to gain permission from Princess Cel L. Estia. Our Princess is the high ruler of our land, and unless you gain permission, you may face serious charges for stealing precious artifacts.”
“But-“
“No buts. Go ask the fucking princess and get out of my damn cloud house. Never come back. You’ve killed thousands of my brain cells simply by looking at me. And if I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure you’ve been staring at my ass for half of our fucking conversation.”
The Jem hung his head in shame. He looked as though he were about to cry. Blueberry Tart noticed this, and gently patted him on the shoulder. Jem Pickens turned his head to the side. “No! Bad Blue horse!” The Jem took a water spray bottle from his pocket, and sprayed Blueberry in the face, making her flinch at the cold water.
Blueberry Tart lead the way through Ponyville and up to a place called “Canterlot,” a magical place that contained many magical schools and places that horses from all over the world could visit and learn the ways of dark magic. Or at least that’s the way The Jem understood it. There was a large castle that resided towards the back of Canterlot. Its inhabitants? The great Princesses of the land!
Jem Pickens walked towards the massive gate but was instantly stopped by the guards.
“Halt!” they shouted. “You may not enter here, human. You are unwelcome.”
The Jem cried.
Blueberry Tart stepped forward and faced the guards that were blocking their only path to destiny. She then spoke up. “It’s ok, he’s with me”
One of the guards turned his attention to her. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. By all means go right on in. I mean, clearly if a mere peasant shit-faced blue horse thing knows this ugly creature, then he’s permitted to enter, right?” The guard nudged the other.
“Why, of course!” said the second guard. “There’s absolutely no reason we shouldn’t allow these two to enter. It’s not like the one wearing clothes looks like a terrorist or anything. It’s perfectly safe for them to enter!”
The two guards laughed hysterically to themselves. Jem Pickens was beginning to get irritated by the two guards. Jem wasn’t about to allow a couple of horses to get in his way. Reaching in his pocket, Jem brought out his JemKnife, and proceeded to stab both of the guard ponies. Blood went everywhere, but, oddly enough, the two ponies appeared to have been made of Kool-Aid. It wasn’t blood at all, it was Kool-Aid. The Jem and Blueberry Tart drank it all up and felt content. The massive gate door thing in front of them opened up and allowed them entry.
***
A low sounding hum and a radiating purple glow came from that of a rock with a diamond symbol on it. Its very presence seemed to fill the room with a generous glow, and all who gazed upon it would feel the need to give someone a piece of their hair. The rocky nature of the gem was hard, slightly cracked on both opposing sides. The rock appeared to have been through many years of travel and beatings, harsh weather conditions, and possibly even once used as a sex toy. It was in very poor condition that it was a wonder the thing still had any magical properties left.
A man looked upon the magical gem, and sighed methodically. His gaze penetrated the hard stone, viewing the core and all its beauty. The man opened his mouth, his lips parting and beginning to speak to the wind itself, considering no one else seemed interested.
“He will come…” whispered the man. “He will come.”
***
“What the literal monkey fuck! That’s the Princess?” The Jem looked upon a massive white horse with a crown and some pink and blue and yellow hair and stuff.. and… I mean… it’s a goddamn horse! Jem Pickens didn’t know what he had expected, but he had hoped that at least all these rampaging horses had some kind of human master ruler guy. Nope. Just another goddamn equine.
Blueberry Tart bowed before the mighty Princess Cel L. Estia. She then raised her head and began forming air and molecular matter into sound waves. “Oh great princess! Hear my plea, I have brought to you the great one. The retarded one. The Derpiest one! He has come to gain permission to claim the MMEMHM in order to defeat the Darkness that will come to our land!”
The Princess looked down upon Blueberry Tart, and then contorted her face slightly. “Um.. excuse me, but that is very insultive you know. Derp does NOT mean retarded. How dare you insult one of our most unfortunate citizens!”
“Oh, Princess I apologize, I did not mean to insult Derpy like that, I just-“
“Derpy?” asked the Princess. “Oh ho ho ho, no not at all. Derpy is quite retarded. I was talking about Spike. Now, Blueberry, as far as your request to hunt down the Elements goes; I deny it.” The Princess grinned, the side of her mouth somehow managing to stretch all the way up to her ear. “I… do however have a question for your, Blueberry. Should you answer it, you are free to go hunt the Elements with this moose you have befriended.”
“I’m a human!” said Jem Pickens, grinning like a hairless shopping cart.
The Princess turned her head. “K. Now Blueberry… I ask you…”
“Yes, Princess?”
The Princess smiled proudly. “Do you… like any kind of fruit in particular?”
“O- oh… oh no… no no, ha hahaha, no sorry I can’t s-say that I r-really do. I’m more of a-a-a vegetable person myself, hahaha.”
“So you don’t like fruit? Not even... say… just taking a shot in the dark here… Bananas?”
The Jem was so confused. Why had Blueberry’s face turned so pale during this conversation. It was a simple question. Jem Pickens grew tired of this bickering.
“N-No… sorry! I, um, I cannot confirm nor deny my feelings on any fruit in parti-“
“WE LOVE BANANAS!” Shouted The Jem. “Now could you give my friend here some Bananas so we can be on our fucking merry way. I’m missing quality television for this you know. I could be in bed right now, dreaming about horses. Instead, I’m stuck talking to the damn things. This is a nightmare!”
Princess Cel L. Estia grinned from ear to ear with excitement. “Oh, Blueberry? You like Bananas?”
“N-n-NO! I said NO dammit!”
“That’s not what I heard. So you REALLY like bananas huh?”
“For the love of god no!”
“Would you even say, that you’re a bitch who likes Bananas?”
“Princess! Have mercy! I come not to harass you!”
“Tell me Blueberry, do you know where you can find PLENTY of Bananas?”
“No no no no no no no no no!”
A faint roaring sound could be heard, gradually getting louder with each passing moment. It sounded like that of machinery and gears turning, slowly revving up an engine or some kind of mechanical piece. Jem Pickens walked away slowly, as he saw that the floor underneath Blueberry slowly cracked open allowing her to tumble down into a dark chasm. As more machinery clanked and grinded, a large cylinder shaped object rose from the darkness beneath the ground. It was a large, blue cannon. It continued to rise upwards, until a loud thunk was heard and all the machinery came to a halt, along with the cannon.
The Princess filled her lungs with air and shouted as loud as she could. “ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON BEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAATCH!” With this the cannon fired Blueberry Tart into the air with the force of 78 Billion G’s. Screaming, she hurtled towards the moon, disappearing like a star in the night sky. Cliché simile is cliché.
Jem Pickens stood motionless for a moment. It took him a good five minutes to comprehend what had just occurred, for his brain was the size of a Cracker Jack.
“Did you just… kill a horse?”
Princess Cel L. Estia rose up from her throne. “Killing is such a harsh term, Jem Pickens. I prefer the phrase ‘Murdered in Cold Blood.’”
The Jem nodded, but then gasped. “Wait! I never introduced myself to you, you generation three hair colored bitch! How do you know me?”
The Princess began laughing. Then the laughter became more and more sinister and her tone of voice continually changed until it sounded nothing like her anymore, almost sounding like a male. The Princess rose into the air, and her eyes began glowing as her mane ignited into flames and eventually fell off, the flames continuing to engulf her figure and melt the flesh off her bones. The normal, fleshy skin, was replaced by a green-colored, hardened material with black dots and splotches all over. Her wings angled downwards, and changed color to purple and blue, resembling fighter jet wings.
It was no longer Princess Cel L. Estia. It was, NOW, Cell Estia.
“Bwahahaha. I am now alive and stuff. Jerusalem will fall!”
Cell Estia began to leap forward, and attempted to devour The Jem whole. Jem Pickens was too fast and agile for his age, and he quickly dodged out of the way. Reaching into his back pocket, The Jem took out his JemRocketLauncher and fired it towards Cell Estia. The rocket fired from the muzzle and exploded on contact with his/her magnificently hard shell of a body thing, instantaneously killing him/her and causing him/her to drop onto him/her/its knees and die.
The corpse exploded and a Butterfly-shaped, pink gem came floating out towards Jem Pickens. It was the first of the 6 Magical Magic Elements of Magical Harmonious Magic. The Jem reached out and grabbed the glowing jewel, his being instantly filling with the feeling of kindness. Just then, a small rectangular box appeared in the top left of The Jem’s eyes, reading “Achievement Get: Retrieve The Element of Kindness.”
Jem Pickens squeed with delight. He was so happy to have obtained the first of the 6 gems of element Harvard… or something like that. The Jem didn’t know. The Jem didn’t care. He was The Jem. The Jem gave no shits about anything but himself.
Jem Pickens didn’t really know what to do next. Without Blueberry Tart he was as lost as his sanity. The Jem figured he would continue his quest to locate the other five elements. Where could he start? The Jem had no idea, but it was alright… because The Jem had himself, and that was all that really mattered in the end.
***
Jem Pickens awoke in Blueberry Tart’s bed. After her death he had stolen her house in order to hide and seek out the remaining elements. Unfortunately, he was having no luck, as he had no idea where to begin to look. He checked everywhere. In the closet, in the pantry, under the bed, in the sock drawer (which he had no idea why Blueberry had), he even checked in the refrigerator about 25 times now. They were nowhere to be found!
The Jem contemplated giving up and going home, although he didn’t have much of an idea how to do that either. Surrendering to his stomach, Jem decided to run outside and grab something to eat. But what? The Jem did not enjoy the food that horses provided. Hay was not his forte, and he didn’t know any restaurants close by. As soon as he stepped outside he saw a friendly face staring him down. It was an orange horse wearing a hat. Yes, that’s right. A fucking hat. Not to mention she had a picture of apples on her ass. What is this?
“Howdy!” called out the mysterious orange mammal thing.
The Jem stared at her concentratedly (It’s a word). “You have a picture of apples on your ass, you remind me of a breakfast cereal called Applejacks, and you’re orange. You must really like apples. You seem like you enjoy apples. I’m gonna call you…Jackass, because your butt reminds me of apples.”
“What in Sam Hell are you talkin’ bout? Did you even listen to yourself?”
Jem Pickens grinned. “No. I mean yes. Wait… … … No.”
“Well mah name ain’t Jackass. It’s AppleJack, and Ah don’t take too kindly ta strangers bein’ all insultive and stuff.”
Jem Pickens looked at the ground. He felt bad. He was bad. A baaaaaaad Jem. “I’m sorry, orange horse person...” murmured Jem under his constant sobbing.
“For the final time mister, it’s AppleJ- …Ya know what? Ferget it, close enough. Now can Ah ask ya what in tarnation you’re doin’ all the way out here in the middle ‘o nowhere. Not ta mention it’s six in the mornin’.”
Six in the morning? The Jem had completely lost track of the time. He was so hungry, he was practically starving himself through space and time.
Just then, Jem Pickens noticed something jaw dropping. There! Hanging from around the orange pony’s neck, was a jewel in the shape of an apple. It must have been the Element of… APPLES! The Jem gasped 47 times in a row, and then passed out. When he awoke, he was greeted by a pair of staring eyes.
“Hi there again, silly! Whatcha doing taking a nap on the floor? You know, floors aren’t the most comfortable place in the world to sleep. I prefer beds myself. Although I guess everypony’s different. I forgot to introduce myself earlier. My name’s Pinkie Pie! Say, did you see that parade earlier? Oh wait, of course you didn’t, silly me, you were sleeping on the floor. Why are you, by the way? Oh wait I know, I know, it’s because you were looking for buried treasure wasn’t it? Oh, no that can’t be it. Maybe it was something small, or something shiney! Wait… but doesn’t that count as treasure? I never could figure that one out.”
Taking a mere millisecond break in order to rub her chin with her hoof, the pink blob of chaotic energy before The Jem stopped talking long enough for The Jem to gather his own thoughts.
“Sorry, pink horse. Can’t talk right now. Searching for the Elements of Bacon. I’ll catch you some other time!” With this, Jem Pickens stood up and began running towards what he suspected was AppleJack’s house (it was the only barn in the whole fucking town… it HAD to be), leaving Pinkie Pie in the dust.
Running like a pack of “Hey Arnolds” all on fire, Jem Pickens eventually reached the giant red barn. He knocked on the door 76.8 times, but there was no one home. He decided that if they were home, they would have probably invited The Jem inside anyways, so he decided to enter uninvited. The barn smelled of week old hay (what?) and horses, but, of course it smelled like fucking horses. The Jem couldn’t walk two feet without coming face to face with a horse. This was the weirdest place he had ever visited in his life.
Wait! There! The Jem’s gaze shifted to a table in the corner of the barn. Sitting on it was the apple shaped gem of harmony’s embrace, and Jem smiled like a piece of carpet. Running over, Jem Pickens reached out to grab the jewel, but heard a rumbling sound coming from above him. Then out of nowhere, millions upon millions of Rape Snakes fell from above, landing around Jem’s feet.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” screamed Jem, resembling a small 9 year old girl. The Rape Snakes peered into The Jem’s soul, but found nothing, and were terrified instead. Not only was their target NOT a female, but probably the most hideous ‘male’ creature they had ever seen. At least they hoped he was male. If not, then they were certainly NOT tapping that.
The Rape Snakes all ran (slithered?) away in fear, heading for the nearest exit or path to death. Most of them just jumped into the furnace. They all died, and created those fun little black snake thingy’s you can buy for The 4th of July. It was amusing to The Jem and he laughed playfully, completely forgetting his goal in both life and present time. The twinkle in the corner of the room quickly reminded him however. Attempting again to grab the apple shaped jewel, The Jem was successful and grasped his phalanges around the object, feelings an electrical surge run through his body. He couldn’t tell why, but for some reason The Jem felt like being incredibly honest with everyone. He confessed to the air that he sleeps with a stuffed animal lion named Steve Urkel. The air didn’t care, and left him. The Jem started suffocating due to the lack of present oxygen, and had to quickly leave the room.
Jem relished in the fact that he had successfully located two of the six Elephants of Hair-money all by himself. I mean, The Jem was the greatest human who ever lived. He was the very essence of adventure, and the master of Jig Saw Puzzles with no more than 6 pieces. There was no stopping The Jem now. He was an immovable object of unmoving moving nature. He also excelled in the art of Couch Potatoing.
Where should Jem Pickens search next?
If he should, A. Attempt to locate the next Element of Harmony, text “Element” to 50210 now.
If he should, B. Cum inside Rainbow Dash again, text “Booner” to 50210 now.
If he should, C. Give up and go home, text “Nope” to 50210 now.
Cast your votes now!
Everypony within a 5 mile radius continued to pull out their cellular phones and begin texting in their ballots. Most of them made an attempt to text “A” as this obviously was the most valuable choice. After about 10 minutes of voting, the polls were closed, and a response text was sent to all the ponies with the results.
“Congratulations, Faggots! Your votes were counted, and we appreciate the voluntary participation. The results are now in. The winning choice is: Letter “H: Dance naked in public!”
All the ponies began clapping their hooves together, as The Jem undressed and started doing Gangnam Style, while asking the question: “What Does the Fox Say?”
While dancing however, The Jem was unaware of a presence lurking around him. Before he knew it, he was on the ground. He couldn’t move. Soon, everything around him went black, his mind fading into darkness and his thoughts scrambled. He passed out into a deep sleep, dreaming of Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows.
***
Darkness engulfing, surrounding the entire room. A small light flickered in the distance, illuminating a section of the room for mere milliseconds before plunging itself and its residents back into thick darkness. Jem Pickens made an attempt to open his eyes. They burned with fire, and his entire body felt pain. The darkness itself was hurting his eyes, and every time the distant light flickered, he flinched in agony.
Feeling drowsy and unwilling to move, The Jem used all his strength to keep his eyes open. He could see nothing. Little sparks of color emanated and danced in his vision. He was beginning to become paranoid, not knowing what lied in the darkness ahead of him.
Mustering more strength, The Jem made an attempt to take a step forward, but realized that he couldn’t move his legs. He soon realized that no part of his body was mobile. He couldn’t see it, but he had the sudden feeling of being suspended in the air. His body and limbs were strapped into place by leather bands, rubbing against his skin as he struggled. He was strapped to a wooden board, giving him splinters just from laying on it.
The Jem struggled and struggled but could not free himself from the bindings. The smell of sulfur filled the air, and he could hear a faint sound in the distance. It sounded like… laughter? Whatever it was, it was getting louder. Jem Pickens started panicking and struggling harder. The laughter became louder and louder until it sounded as though it were coming from directly in front of The Jem’s face.
“Hi!” shouted a familiar voice.
Suddenly, the lights activated, illuminating the room with a blinding glow. The Jem closed his eyes, squeezing them painfully as the light burned his retinas. When he could, he opened his eyes again, and saw who was in front of him.
It was that ‘Pinkie Pie’ creature again. But she didn’t look the same. She had a massive grin on her face (overly large to be exact). She was wearing a beautifully sewn robe, with a necklace of what appeared to be narwhal horns or something. She had about 6 wings on her back, all assorted to stick straight up as if they were actually attached. Her hair was straight as opposed to the usual explosion of pink fuzz. She also smelled a bit like a yardstick.
“Welcome!” said the Pink Horse thing. “I’m so glad you could make it! I bet you’re wondering where you are. Well, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You see, from the moment I saw you, I knew you were special. You seemed friendly, however every time I introduced myself to you, you would ignore me and run away as if I were completely unimportant. Well guess what? You’re not running away this time. In fact you’re never running away again. I asked myself, ‘how can I get this person to actually notice me ()’ and then it hit me! ‘Of course!’ I thought to myself. ‘I’ll bake him some cupcakes!’”
The Jem listened to her as she spoke, and noticed a hint of insanity in her eyes. She didn’t seem like the same person he had met before. She seemed so… lifeless.
“So… can I have a cupcake then?” asked The Jem becoming impatient, but not entirely understanding what was going on.
“Oh don’t worry,” Pinkie laughed. “You’ll get plenty of cupcakes, in due time”
“How long is due time?” asked Jem, still massively impatient with the pink horse. “I’m actually quite hungry you know. I mean, I haven’t gotten anything to eat all day! The food you guys have around here sucks.”
Pinkie began walking backwards towards a nearby table. “Well, I can’t really give you anything to eat right now. It would cause the surgery session to be more complicated than it needs to be.”
“Surgery session?” asked The Jem. “But I don’t need any surgery. So, no thank you. I’m good.” The Jem smiled happily and looked at Pinkie with a friendly glow.
Pinkie began laughing even more now. “Sorry, Jem Pickens, but you don’t exactly have an option.”
“Of course I do! I’m a free man you know. I’m almost 18!”
Pinkie Pie stopped walking and glanced back. She looked at Jem Pickens and concentrated on him, ignoring everything else in the room. She quietly asked herself if this was a good idea. Stupidity isn’t contagious… right?
Deciding to just ignore Jem’s statement, Pinkie grabbed a scalpel off the edge-side table. Giggling, she started walking towards Jem Pickens. His heart was now racing as he noticed the overly sharp knife that she was carrying.
“Don’t worry. This will only hurt for a moment.”
Then in that moment, it snapped into Jem’s head what was going on. She wasn’t going to bake me any cupcakes. Pinkie was planning on doing something evil. Something… torturous. The most horrid thing that The Jem could ever imagine. Pinkie Pie was about to use the scalpel to make snowflake designs in his batman costume!
“I’ll never let you destroy the Batman! He’s the dark crusader! The dark knight! He’s what the city needs!”
“What in the actual fuck are you-“
Just then, Jem Pickens once again used his magical teleportation ability and vanished into thin air. He reappeared behind Pinkie. Reaching into his pocket, he took out his JemMagicPinkHorseThingEradicationGun and fired a blast towards Pinkie Pie. Grinning evily, she side stepped the beam and charged at Jem Pickens, scalpel in hand. Aiming for his heart, she thrust forwards, but missed. The Jem finally used his JemGrapplingHook, firing it up into the air and hoisting himself airborne. Once he was high enough, he let go of the grappling hook and fell back to Equestria, Judo kicking Pinkie Pie in the mouth. Pinkie went flying backwards and landed in a waste bin.
“Looks like…” The Jem put on a pair of sunglasses. “…you just got… wasted” YEEEEEAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
“That wasn’t even that clever,” said Pinkie, now getting slightly irritated. “No matter… I can see you want to do this the hard way. Very well, Jem Pickens. We shall do this the hard way.” Pinkie grinned evilly at the Jem, peering into his eyes.
“Prepare yourself, Jem Pickens, for you are about to endure the pain and suffering of- …what are you doing?”
The Jem was currently sitting in the corner of the room with a smile on his face, as he waited patiently for his Hot Pocket to finish microwaving. “I told you, Pink Horse, I was hungry! One moment please.”
“This… what? No! No no no no no! This isn’t the way this is supposed to go! None of this is supposed to happen! Why do you have to ruin my entire schedule like this? You should be strapped up to a table getting your organs harvested, not microwaving a damn Hot Pocket! I’ve had just about enough of your – “
“BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP”
“Oooooh! They’re done!” shouted The Jem, joyfully clapping his man hands together.
“RAAAAAAGH! THAT’S IT! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Pinkie Pie practically had steam coming from her ears… almost more than what was radiating off of The Jem’s Hot Pocket. She picked herself up, grabbed a chain saw, and started the engine. The room was filled with the bouncing sound of ripping death. She began galloping forward with the chain saw in her mouth, but angled at The Jem.
Jem Pickens stood up, reached over, picked up the Hot Pocket, and aimed it at Pinkie Pie. Squeezing it, it sprayed out a wave of boiling cheese all over Pinkie Pie.
“Ahhhh! No! Cheese! My only weakness!” shouted Pinkie. Pinkie Pie then melted. She was died.
From the puddle of pink goo now spreading on the floor came a mystical pink glow. It began taking shape until it formed a pink jewel in the shape of a balloon. The Jem grabbed it, and suddenly began laughing for some reason.
This was it! The Jem was so proud of himself. He was halfway to having all of the Elements of George Washington! He couldn’t believe that he was doing it all by himself, without the help of Blue Horse or any other meddling nobody that wanted to steal all of The Jem’s glory.
The Jem wondered what to do next. More importantly, he wondered how in the holy mother he was going to out of here. Especially considering he didn’t ever remember coming down here in the first place. Oh, if only The Jem had some kind of… magical teleportation powers… unfortunately that was absurd and ludicrous. That was mere science fiction.
Then out of nowhere, the TARDIS appeared in front of Jem. With the door opening, Doctor Whooves stepped out and began staring at The Jem. “Are you… lost?” he asked.
“No!” shouted The Jem, trying to protect his public dignity.
“Sure you don’t need a ride to the surface? We’re miles underground at the moment. It’s fine, really.”
“Well… ok I suppose I can’t say no to a talking horse with a magical police box.”
The Jem and Doctor Whooves entered the TARDIS, and were teleported up above the ground. They were now both standing back in Ponyville. Jem Pickens thanked Doctor Whooves and exited the TARDIS.
“Oh, one more thing Jem: Have you seen my screwdriver?”
The Jem nodded, pulled a screwdriver out of his back pocket, and stabbed Doctor Whooves with it. He died. Unfortunately for him, regeneration doesn’t work for horse Time Lords.
***
Jem Pickens paced for hours upon hours, questioning the meaning of life. He only needed three more Elements before his quest was complete and he could hand it in to get some new leather boots he had been wanting with spirit on them.
Jem Pickens heard the sound of hooves landing on the dirt floor behind him. He turned his neck around like an owl to see who it was. Why, it was none other than Rainbow Dash of course!
“Hey, Jem,” she said. “I… I heard you took care of my friend that fell to the dark side. I’m glad. Pinkie will always be a friend of mine, but evil is never the path to take. No wonder she started screaming and running home when I offered her a grilled cheese sandwich. Huh. Go figure.”
The Jem laughed alongside Rainbow Dash. But then, something happened. It was as if Jem Pickens’ brain actually tried to calculate something. It actually figured something out. As if a lamp were being plugging in, The Jem saw it so clearly. He stared at Rainbow Dash, looking deep into her rose colored eyes. Something didn’t add up.
Jem pulled out his JemGun and pointed it at Rainbow Dash.
“Wha- What are you doing!?” she squeaked. “Put that gun down Jem! I’m not a threat to you! It’s me, Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in Equestria!” Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest as she uttered the last line.
Jem Pickens glared at her, cocking the JemGun that he was aiming at Dash’s face.
“Good try Rainbow Horse… but for once in my life I was able to put two and two together… which equals like seven or something, right? …either way, I know who you really are. You gave yourself away the second I laid eyes on you!”
“Jem, seriously, now you’re even starting to freak ME out. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Your mane.” Spoke Jem The Mighty. “It’s a Rainbow.”
Dash’s eyes became as wide as dinner plates. Her expression instantly changed to one of complete horror.
She attempted to gather her bearings and spoke once again. “Y-yeah? So.. So what? I didn’t get the name Rainbow Dash for having a brown mane and working at a burger joint.”
“No.” said Jem. “However, you ARE the only horse in this world with a Rainbow mane.”
Dash gasped once again in horror. This was getting her nowhere. She thought of her options. Only one seemed to be ethical right now.
Rainbow Dash dropped her ‘cool’ expression and began smiling. She started flying in the air, clapping her hooves together in a rhythmic fashion.
“Well then, Jem Pickens…” she began. “I suppose you’re not as ignorant as they tell me. Very well you caught me. You are correct Jem. I’m not who I say I am. It is I… Bow Rain Shad… leader of the evil British Republic of United Republican Immigrants from Democratic Communist Oriented Nations!”
Jem Pickens stood his ground, preparing to shoot the leader once and for all. His hands trembled, but he readied his JemGun and aimed.
“Go ahead.” Spoke Bow Rain Shad. “Take the shot. Kill me now. You’re too late anyways. You’re all too late. Don’t you see, Jem Pickens? This was my plan all along. Right now as we speak, my forces are nearing your house. It was my intention to sell you the EBox. Trapping you inside of a virtual fantasy reality gives me plenty of time to execute my master plan. It’s all too easy really. Once my men find the EBox, they will destroy it, killing you off once and for all. Before doing so however, they will proceed to extract my data onto a floppy disk and materialize me in the real world! With BRURIFDCON finally at my true, in the flesh command, I will be able to conquer New York City, and eventually the world! Bwahaha!”
Jem Pickens gripped his fists together. ‘No…’ he thought. ‘How could I let the British win? There has to be another way.’
Jem Pickens pulled the trigger and shot the gun. It fired a bullet made of Graham Cracker at Bow Rain Shad which impacted her but just bounced off, leaving only a small dent in her fur.
“Bahahahaha! Is that honestly the best you can do? Just surrender, Jem Pickens. As much as you want to, you cannot win by attacking me with a barrage of snack foods.”
‘Damn!’ thought The Jem. ‘That’s what I get for buying guns on Ebay for $20.’
…
…
…
‘Wait a minute! Snack foods! That’s it!’
The Jem cleverly congratulated himself for figuring out a plan to defeat Bow Rain Shad. He reached one final time into his pocket and pulled out his magical pickle. Blowing on it, a loud screech emanated across the landscape. Out of thin air, tornado gusts and winds began forming all around The Jem. A violent storm engulfed him, but just as soon as it had appeared, the tornado was gone, taking Jem along with it.
Dropped off outside of an ancient Chinese temple, Jem Pickens quickly stood up, ran to the door and began banging on it. The door lock clicked and it cracked open slowly. Standing in the door way was an old man in dress robes, sporting a shoulder parrot with glowing red eyes. It was none other, than the wise old man of the mountain tops; TronJon!
“Ah… It is you, Jem Pickens.” He spoke as clearly as ever, his voice now engraved into The Jem’s brain for all of eternity. “I knew you would come. I know what you seek, Jem. Please, come inside. Perhaps I may be of some assistance.”
Jem Pickens said nothing, for he knew that nothing he could utter would be as wise or as special as the words coming from TronJon’s mouth at this moment. Upon entering his temple, The Jem could hardly walk. His entire house was littered with paper origami figures, all resembling that of a raptor with a high ego. Trudging through them, Jem Pickens found TronJon staring blankly at a spherical rock with a diamond shape on it.
“Is that…” Jem began.
“Yes. This is the fourth Magical Magic Element of Magical Harmonious Magic: ‘Generous and Stuff’
Jem looked so confused he could probably blow up a hospital with a wrench. “But, I thought the Elements weren’t real. I thought it was all part of some virtual reality?”
“You are partially correct, Jem.” TronJon picked up the rock and held it high in the air. “You see, this is but a mere stone. However, once taken into the cyber universe or ‘horse town’, it will transform into one of the MMEMHM gems. With four in your possession, you should have enough power to defeat Bow Rain Shad. You must hurry though, Jem Pickens, for both worlds do not have long. I have already seen the British approaching from the shorelines. Their polychromatic ships are as plain as stars in the night sky (Seriously? Again with the simile?). They seek only to do you harm, Jem, they care not what becomes of themselves.”
Jem Pickens nodded, understanding what needed to be done. Grabbing the slightly cracked rock from TronJon, Jem once again blew on his magical pickle and was hauled away back into the virtual universe of Neigh Neigh Town.
TronJon stared blankly at a wall in front of him and sighed deeply. He then questioned why Jem Pickens had not simply run back to his house and destroyed the EBox, considering he wasn’t within its containments. “Damn you storybook author…” spoke TronJon softly. “Damn you…”
***
Jem Pickens reappeared in the exact same spot that he had left from. Bow Rain Shad was still hovering in the air, awaiting The Jem’s return. As soon as he appeared, she ‘Dashed’ forward and punched The Jem in the stomach. He fell backwards onto his ass and grunted in pain.
He had to use the power of the MMEMHM to defeat Bow Rain Shad, before she conquered the world! The Jem pulled out the rock that he had received from TronJon. However, it was no longer a rock. It had transformed into a purple jewel in the shape of a diamond kite. It radiated purple energy and filled The Jem with generousness.
The other three gems began floating in the air, alongside the fourth. They started spinning around each other and were soon spinning around The Jem. He was filled with infinite spirit and he realized that he had the ability to take on the world. He gained new powers, new abilities and used them to summon a large Narwhal Butterfly which Jem Pickens rode into the air. It also had a laser cannon.
Jem Pickens fired the cannon at Bow Rain Shad, but she swiftly dodged the attack and charged forwards for another blow to The Jem. Jem Pickens quickly activated his defensive shield protocols and prevented the attack. The Jem commanded the Narwhal Butterfly to fire its donut gun, which it did, and the donuts hit Bow Rain Shad, knocking her to the ground.
Getting off the magical creature, The Jem walked over and shadowed Bow Rain Shad, pointing a REAL non-Jem JemGun at her head.
“Wait!” she cried. “It’s not my fault! I was forced to do this! I’m not the one you want!”
“Nice try not-Blue-Horse, Blue Horse, but you have tricked me for long enough!”
Bow Rain Shad reached out her hoof towards Jem Pickens. In it was the fifth Magical Magic Element of Magical Harmonious Magic. It was a red glowing jewel with a lightning bolt on it. It smelled of awesome.
“I’m honestly not the one that you want, Jem. It was mentioned to you earlier that a dark being was roaming around corrupting people. He is the commander of the EBox. He is the one who turned me to the dark side. He is the one who corrupted the British. He is the one who made waffles illegal!”
Jem’s eyes opened wide and he suddenly seemed interested. “No! Not the waffles! Anything but the waffles! I will make him pay… where the fuck is he? I will ram a sausage so far up his ass he won’t even know it’s a sausage, he’ll think its Hulk Hogan!”
Just then, it appeared. As fast as anything was defeated and appeared, it appeared. The dark shade of evil, the mastermind behind all the evil schemes that were happening in this story, finally appeared. It was the same creature The Jem had seen when he first arrived in Fucking Horse land. The creature he had bumped into with knives for teeth and skin made from the dark abysses of the world. Its snake-like eyes stared at The Jem, as if to ask him “What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?”
Jem Pickens looked towards the sky, and saw a floating image of TronJon. “Do not be afraid, Jem Pickens. Use the Magical Magic Elements of Magical Harmonious Magic to defeat this creature. They are our only hope and they are in your possession now.”
The Jem knew what had to be done. He held all the Elements in his hands, and pointed them at the dark creature. “Die beast! I will destroy you! Feel the wrath of my anus!”
The creature began laughing. “You cannot stop me with merely five of the six elements. Even if you had all six elements, I am too cool and special and things. There is nothing you can do to stop me now. I will hunt down and destroy every fast food joint in the world. Once I discover the meaning of life, I will use it to turn every edible thing in the world into mustard!”
Jem Pickens shuttered at the idea of eating mustard for the rest of his life. He would not let this happen. Just then Jem noticed he was standing on something. There was a mysterious object buried in the ground under his feet. Reaching down, The Jem dug in the dirt. It was the sixth Element of Copulating 7 Jack of Hearts, 300 Heroes is the best game in the world, holy shit.
It was unlike the other Elements. It was not a jewel… but a crown. The Jem placed it on his head and felt pretty. The power of feeling pretty lifted him and gave him the strength of 40 million tiger fetuses.
The crown and the other five gems began glowing, and The Jem started levitating into the air. His eyes glowed a bright shade of pure white (you heard me). Rainbows began swirling around him as they shot up into the air. Turning towards the dark creature, they shot forward and rammed directly into it, the bright, happy colors splashing everywhere and engulfing the creature entirely. There was no comparable situation. The Rainbows were eating the creature.
He called out in horror. “Gah! How did you actually manage to get all the gems!?”
Jem Pickens looked the creature directly in the eye. “It’s because I’m amazing.”
Then, Jem Pickens heard laughing coming from inside the swirling rainbow vortex rather than screams of horrible pain. The Rainbows subsided, and the dark creature stood there looking completely unharmed.
“You fool!” he said. “I created the evil British nation. I INVENTED It. Bow Rain Shad nearly adopted the rainbow. I was raised by it, molded by it. You cannot destroy me with it. Plus…” The creature began smiling, showing the full effect of its razor sharp teeth. “This isn’t even my final form.”
An eruption of dark magic shot up all around the creature. His limbs transformed. His eyes and teeth both changed to something far more horrendous. His entire being changed, and soon, he evolved into his true state. His TRUE form. It was him. It was the dark lord of the Evil British nation. The leader behind it all. It was… him! It was… Teddy Roosevelt.
“’Tis I, Teddy Roosevelt! You are now royally fucked, Jem Pickens. There is nothing you can do to stop me. In this form, I am immune to all forms of magical arts. I am immune to all weather and all means of mental and physical harm. Nothing can stop me. I will accomplish what Bow Rain Shad could not. I will destroy you and turn your world to ashes. Prepare yourself, Jem Pickens, for the end is coming, the end is upon us, the end is – “
Jem Pickens took out his JemKnife and stabbed Teddy Roosevelt in the chest.
“What!?” yelled Teddy. “Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Teddy Roosevelt exploded into pixie dust and Cheerios.
“How did you actually manage to defeat him?” asked Bow Rain Shad.
Jem Pickens raised one arm in the air and stood up tall. “Because… I’m The Jem This City Needs.”
With this statement, Jem Pickens sprouted wings and ascended into the air. A magical portal opened up in the sky and swallowed The Jem like a Venus Fly Trap. Flowing through a magical rainbow portal thing, Jem Pickens felt nauseated and threw up. After about five minutes of swirling around pointlessly, The Jem found himself landing back in his Jem Cave next to his ‘New’ JemPuter, the EBox.
“Holy shit. I’m actually inside my house again!” shouted The Jem, trying to dance happily while lying on the floor, but only managing to flail his arms and legs about.
Jem Pickens stood up and looked around the room. Directly in front of him, he saw an odd figure standing in the corner of his Jem Cave. The figure began moving, and stepped forwards out of the shadows so that The Jem could get a better look.
“Why, hello there, Jem Pickens. So glad you could join us. Would you care for a cup of… tea?”
Standing there in almost pitch blackness, only her face illuminated, was Bow Rain Shad in the flesh.
“Rainbow Horse! What are you doing here?”
Bow Rain Shad snickered. “While you weren’t looking, I managed to steal your grappling hook, and you gave me a most excellently luxurious ride back to your world. You were so unaware, you didn’t even notice the bright rainbow colored horse riding on your back. I must thank you though. You’ve given me the perfect opportunity to take over this world. Good bye Jem Pickens… shall we meet again one day. I will remove your organs and show them to you!”
“It’s a good thing that I don’t play the Organ!” said Jem Pickens proudly.
“Uhg. You idiotic bastard…”
Bow Rain Shad broke through the window and flew off into the sunset, heading off to rejoin her British comrades and command them to victory.
Jem Pickens stood in place, staring out the window. The sound of rain could be heard bouncing off of his JemRoof and was slightly more noticeable standing near the broken window. The Jem inhaled deeply and exhaled just as deeply, if not deeper, causing his lungs to implode and himself to die. Zeus came down and took pity on The Jem, reviving him in under four seconds.
The Jem was still hungry from earlier, so he walked into the Jemitchen and microwaved himself some ice cream. Taking it out, he walked over and set it on his JemChair and went to the Mandatory Bathroom of Awesome. After taking a shit the size of Pluto, Jem Pickens walked back out, but had noticed that his ice cream had been completely eaten by his dog.
Angered, Jem scolded the dog and chucked it against the wall. He looked behind him and the EBox caught his eye. Grinning, Jem Pickens walked over and picked it up. The device was still on, and the “E” on top was still glowing red. Jem Pickens lobbed the EBox directly at his dog. It smacked the dog in the face, flashed a bright white light and engulfed the dog.
The Jem decided to go for a walk in the rain. It would calm his nerves and make him feel a lot better after the week he’d had. Stepping outside his house, The Jem looked up and saw that the entire city was on fire. Buildings were destroyed; bodies and blood shed were everywhere. The British had attacked the city while he was away. The Jem was unable to stop the attack. He had failed the city.
Jem Pickens then noticed that he was still holding the EBox in his hands. Turning it over, he noticed a small little black button with the word “Reset” engraved above it. The Jem took out a pencil and used it to press the button. Light and the smell of friendship surrounded him.
…
…
…
***
“Legends say that little nigga’s like yoself that use this ‘puter… something strange happens to ‘em, ya feel me? They neva leave their homes again.”
Jem Pickens was staring directly at the EBox, being handed to him once again by the tall black man. Jem looked up into the black man’s eyes and questioned what just happened. Had he been sent back in time? Perhaps so. Perhaps this was his chance to undo all that had been done. To relive the past and change the future. Make a better future. For himself, and his children. This was The Jem’s second chance to do things right.
Jem Pickens looked the black man square in the eye. He opened his mouth. “I’ll take it,” He said.
Grabbing on to the EBox, Jem Pickens ran away from the black man, yelling at the top of his lungs like a barbarian of some sort. His throat grew tired of yelling, so he began yelling from his feet. The sound waves propelled him into the air, allowing The Jem to fly. Whilst flying, The Jem chucked the EBox towards the street below. It fell for what seemed like 15 minutes before hitting the ground pavement and exploding into 849 billion and a half pieces. The shrapnel flew everywhere and in every direction, but bounced off of The Jem; Because The Jem is immune to shrapnel. The pieces killed nearly every human in New York City. It was a good thing that over half of the city was comprised of fish men from the planet Crouton. One piece of shrapnel hit a nearby gas tank, causing it to explode and engulf the entire city in flames.
The Jem looked down in horror at what he had done. Saddened by his deeds, The Jem flew away from Earth with the intent to never return. Jem Pickens landed on the moon and was greeted once again by Blueberry Tart. They copulated with mustard and lived happily ever after.
The End
