Shadows of Katsura

My first memory was a cold, disgusting alley. Months old garbage was stacked in the corners, the stench provoking a gagging reflex every time I passed by. Broken bottles, faded papers and graffiti filled every inch of the area. I shivered inside an old cardboard box as heavy rain began to come down.

I couldn't recall anything before this nightmare started. For all I knew, I've always lived here. Cold, alone and always hungry. I had nothing except the dirty rags over me that could not even keep me from freezing. As I closed my eyes and fell into darkness, every cold night, I held close to the only thing that I had, the only thing that I dared calling my own:

Lisa.

My name is Lisa.

* * *

One morning I walked out of the alley because the unending hunger had finally driven me mad. The rotten bits of food I used to find in the trash cans were so infuriatingly vile that I couldn't bear to swallow them any longer. I wasn't looking for food when I walked out. I didn't know food came in any other form. I just wanted to punch something.

I did. Quite a few things. The oddly looking windows and add boards that were so clean they looked out of place, shattered with a pleasant rattle. The broken glass on the tidy road almost made it seem like my alley. My hooves bled a little after I've broken the glass, but it was a fair trade for the brief satisfaction I felt at releasing my anger.

Some old idiot started screaming at me, calling me a short little brat. I bit his hoof and ran back to my home. My little alley.

The next day, a very strange smell woke me up from my sleep. I've never smelled anything like this before, but it was mesmerizing. I followed it out of the alley, until I saw a very strange scene. There were two ponies in very clean clothes, standing next to a cart full of freshly baked bread. They were addressing other ponies on the street and in exchange for a weird little coin, they would pass the bread to them.

This baffled me, so much, the first time I saw it. They were... trading... food... such beautiful, well smelling food, for a useless shiny object that looked like a dirty glass shard I often found in my alley. I could not understand what was happening, but I was willing to try it. I ran up to them with a hooves full of glass and other shiny things I have found in my alley, convinced I could take the whole cart, but they yelled and sent me away.

They called me stupid. They tolled me to go back to my parents. They tolled me I needed money to trade for their glorious food. I wanted to hit them but I was too stunned.

What are parents? What is this money? The shiny coins other ponies keep giving them? What possible use could they have? I was convinced that it couldn't keep me warm at night or fill my stomach. What would the ponies with bread possibly want with it?

I was pondering on this, a few meters away from the cart, when a bunch of colts ran out from a corner, grabbed a few pieces of bread and ran off. The ponies with bread chased after them, shrieking but eventually gave up and returned to the cart.

I was stunned.

The colts didn't give them a coin. They just took the bread and ran off.

They were probably eating, right now. All they had to do was run up and take it.

They were faster, stronger and more agile than the ponies trading the bread. So was I.

I didn't had problems staying fed after that.

* * *

I got into a nasty fight once. Some tall stallion calling himself "The Police" caught me taking food and yelled my ear off. I tried hitting and biting him as hard as I could, but only ended up with bruises myself. He asked me where my parents are. I tolled him to go to hell. He called me a nasty and violent kid. I hit him below the belt and ran off as he doubled over. For some reason it hurt stallions a lot more than when I hit mares in that area.

Somehow I ended up in some other alley. The colts I saw taking the bread before, were apparently living there. They looked me over and started to laugh. They called me a dumb filly. They said I smelled and my clothes looked like garbage. They asked where my parent were before they started laughing again.

It made me feel bad. Bitter and sad, somehow. A few tears rolled down my eyes. I didn't like that.

I grabbed the nearest one and hit him hard in the face. I kept hitting him until the other colts surrounded me and pulled me away. They hit hard and without mercy. So I showed them none. I let my anger drive me. I was good at that. One blow in the right area was enough. When there was only one left he started begging. He said he's sorry and asked me to stop.

That didn't make me feel any better. I was still cold and hungry. And I still wanted to fight. So I hit him until he started calling for mommy.

I wasn't sure what he meant.

I wasn't sure for a long time, until one night I saw three ponies, walking next to my street. A stallion, a mare and a small filly. She caught my eye right away because she had an expression on her face that I've never seen before.

She was smiling.

I hid in the shadows and watched as they passed by, carefully studying the strange little filly. She was well dressed. Her clothes looked very warm, clean and so neat. She looked well fed and healthy. I noted her hooves weren't scarred, or had any corns on them, indicating she didn't fight very often. How does she protect herself, I thought, until I saw a scary dog ran passed them and the stallion shielding the filly until the dogs was well out of sight.

He protected her. Why?

He was so tall, it would be nice if someone like that protected me as well.

They walked further away and I followed. They soon passed another cart full of beautiful food, and the mare traded a coin for one of the sweet things on the cart. She crouched down and gave it to the filly.

She gave her food. Just like that.

Why did she do that.

I was following them further and further along, until I wandered the farthest I've ever been from my alley. They entered a small little house. A few candles lit up inside and I saw the three of them happily sitting together, in front of a nice and warm little fire place. It looked so warm in there. I quietly leaned against the window and looked inside as the ponies smiled and laughed, loudly talking about something that had to be interesting.

I overheard the filly. As she looked at the mare and the stallion she smiled and called them Mommy and Daddy. She said she loved them. And they said they loved her as well... They were her parents.

Her loving parents.

Watching over her and keeping her safe in her home. Her parents.

As I slowly walked back to my alley, through the freezing winds of the night, I felt tears slowly fall from my eyes. I've never experienced in all of my life, as much happy memories as that girl had in this single day. There was no one to protect or look after me. No one to keep me and warm and well fed.

I had no parents. No memories of my past.

I had nothing.

Except my name.

Lisa.

My name is Lisa.

* * *

As I grew older, it became harder to live. I had to keep taking more food and even more clothes from the shops, because the old ones wouldn't fit anymore. The bunch of menacing stallions, who called themselves "Cops", would never leave me alone. Every store I would visit. Every food shop I stood by. Another one of them would hang around and always spot me in a crowd.

Unrestrained anger and strength were my only allies. They were the only things that helped me survive, but the cops were hard to deal with, and they were coordinated.

I couldn't work alone anymore. Not effectively.

Thankfully I wasn't the only one in this peril. I found a group of like minded ponies, who all dressed and looked like me. They all lived on the street and it almost seemed as if they looked out for each other. One day I walked up to them and asked to join their "Awesome Gang".

They laughed in my face until I beat up their leader. Hard.

I don't know if I would have killed him, but I know they had to pull me away. He lost a few of his teeth that he never grew back.

They didn't laugh at me anymore.

They let me into their group. Said I was an "Asset". Some other guy began leading the group. He coordinated us very well and we managed to dodge the cops and still get what we wanted. When we took something, he'd call it "Stealing". As in, taking things that didn't belong to you. That seemed weird to me. I didn't know ponies had possessions that belonged to them, apart from their name.

Objects are just objects. They don't belong to anyone do they? You just use them to survive and nothing else matters. The only thing yours is your name. And mine is Lisa. I'm not gonna die on the streets. I'm too stubborn and angry for that.

* * *

I got to know a stallion in that gang pretty well. His name was Ross and somehow, he managed to find a way to make me smile. For the first time. He would laugh and tell jokes about everything. Our life, our street, the things he saw in the city and things ponies said or did at some point. It felt good. To laugh.

To smile.

Like the sun of the first days of spring. It felt so warm on your face, promising a season that did not require building fires out of smelly garbage and stealing extra sweaters and coats. A pleasant, warm feeling. That's how Ross made me feel.

The next time we were robbing a store, the owner suddenly pulled out a bat and took a swing at Ross. I watched it in slow motion. All the jokes and laughs we had together, ran through my mind. I liked Ross. And someone was going to hurt him.

That didn't sit well with me. That didn't sit well with me at all.

I jumped in the middle and took the hit in my shoulder. It hurt, but the pain quickly faded as I let anger take over me. I don't quite remember what happened. I just remember Ross pulling me off the store owner and begging me to stop.

The store owner was sobbing. A grown stallion. Sobbing. The baby.

I never cried when I was in pain. Why bother? Its not gonna hurt any less and no one will help you.

But I did help Ross, I guess. I wonder if he would help me, if I was in trouble. I liked to think that he would.

After we returned to the alley, he took me aside and started asked weird questions. Like: "Why do I always go overboard?" and "You don't have to hurt ponies so much" They have families, he said. They're not being mean, they're just protecting whats theirs.

I didn't quite get what he was trying to say, but I gathered he didn't want me to be so brutal in combat.

I tolled him if I ever showed any mercy, I would have ended up dead. He just smiled and patted me on the shoulder.

His smile was a little sad for some reason.

Ross didn't live on the streets for as long as I have. He didn't understand yet... or so I thought.

* * *

I tried to steal from a bakery by myself once. When the owner caught me and I was about to hit him, his daughter ran out and clung to his hoof.

"Don't hurt daddy!" she screamed at me: "Don't hurt him!"

I walked away without food on that day. Her face just wouldn't leave me alone. She was protecting her father, just as I was protecting Ross. It made me feel very strange... Bad... in a way that I've never felt before.

I looked at my reflection in some window I passed. I looked terrifying.

Like some monster that could scare children. I did scare children...

I just... wasn't sure how else to live.

I lived a horrible life. Every day was a new struggle to get through the day. I survived only by using brute force, but it was starting to feel wrong somehow. Why? Why now?

Was it Ross? Was it his fault? I never had trouble rationalizing before. I'll have to talk to him about this when I get back, I cannot afford to second guess myself if I want to survive.

"Survive? To do what?" Ross asked me with a frown: "What is your goal anyway?"

I didn't quite understood him. A goal? I just wanted to live.

"Can you at least be more... gentle?"

When I raised an eyebrow Ross sighed: "You don't have to be so cruel to ponies"

"I'm not cruel" I said "If I don't exercise force, they will not learn"

Ross gave me another sad smile when it finally happened - a rival gang that was encroaching on our streets for months, had finally decided the only way forward, was to take us out of the picture.

They came prepared. Blunt weapons and knives. Bats, pipes. They came here to kill.

I saw it in their eyes right away.

A fight started. I have never seen so much blood before. Members of my gang started to die. I didn't particularly care. I only cared about Ross. And me. I guess that was my goal? For us to survive?

I fought them. Hard. And didn't hold back. It helped that I was a head taller than everyone else. I towered above them, a hulking monster out for a fight. But after a while, I realized that me and Ross were the only ones left from my gang. The others had died. And still too many opponents remained.

They surrounded me and hit my knees with a bat. I fell.

And they just kept hitting me, as I laid in the mud. It hurt. It hurt like it never did in my life. I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness. I was going to die. But for some reason, it didn't bother me. Maybe I was just tired of the life I had lived. Tired of the constant pain, hunger and cold I had to deal with. Tired of the disgusting smell of the alley. Tired of everyone frowning at me, no matter where I would go.

I was tired. I didn't care if I died...

I only cared about Ross.

I don't know when it happened. When the switch flipped and I suddenly cared about his life more than my own. Maybe somewhere during the laughs that we had. Maybe, I just wanted to protect the one man that made me feel happy. So long as he lived, I didn't care what happened to me.

I opened my eyes. Blood was obscuring my vision but it seemed like my enemies have left me for dead.

They were standing over Ross, who was laying on the ground just a few meters away. Some stallion was beating him up. Ross didn't move.

"Stop..." I mumbled and coughed up some blood: "...stop it" I muttered.

One of the gang members turned and looked in my way. He was smirking:

"Stay down, little filly, in the garbage where you belong" he said with a laugh.

"Stop it..." I whispered, frowning at him: "... or I will kill you"

They burst out in laughter. I guess it did seem funny. A mare laying in garbage, unable to stand, was threatening to take their life from them. As I tried to get back on my hooves, one of them ran up to me and hit my hooves with a bat.

I crashed back to the ground with a scream.

They were laughing. At me. At Ross. They were laughing.

I rolled back to my stomach and tried to get up again. The blow to my back was so hard, I almost lost consciousness all over again.

"pathetic" one of them spit with disgust.

"...back...off" I muttered through gritted teeth. As I tried to get up again, they hit me hard on the head. I saw starts, and darkness started to swallow me. I shook it off.

"Why do you keep getting up? Why do you bother protecting him" one of them pointed at Ross with a smirk: "You think you're special? You think you're some noble hero, fighting for others? Its every man for himself! You can't save him! You can't even save yourself. Stop getting up and die quietly in the garbage! What the hell made you think you can survive in this world!?"

They started laughing again. They were laughing at me as I laid in the mud. I gritted my teeth.

Every inch of my body hurt. I felt more pain than I ever did in my life. I had a feeling, it was not only my body that hurt...

I roared and began pushing myself off the ground. Mud was falling down from my hair. Blood was dripping from my mouth.

The laughter momentarily stopped.

"Why do you keep getting up" one of them asked: "You lowly piece of trash".

"My name... is Lisa"

I grabbed the sharp little object I felt under my hooves and ran it into the neck of the nearest idiot. Used his body for cover. As the rest of them charged at me, I let loose the monster that lived in my heart. I had no restraint. No remorse. No mercy.

I knew how to kill and I knew how to cause pain. And I made sure they suffered hard before light faded away from their eyes.

When I was done, I sighed and slowly scanned my surroundings.

I saw Ross, laying still on the ground.

I had forgotten about him. Why. How did I allow myself to forget?

I stumbled towards him, crouched down and took him into my hooves. He looked peaceful. Quiet.

I gently shook him but there was no response.

I called his name, but he didn't answer. I gritted my teeth and gently shook him again.

He wouldn't wake up. No matter how many times I called his name, he didn't wake up.

I felt warm tears falling down from my eyes, as I held Ross close to me. I cried and I couldn't stop myself anymore. I didn't want to.

"...some are born strong. They will always be strong and you're one of them" a voice rang and I turned around to find a group of ponies standing behind me. They were from the rival gang, the ones that came here to kill us. There were more of them and I did not even notice.

They did not seem hostile though. And they made no effort to threaten me. They just stood there and watched as one of them spoke:

"... No matter how hard you try, you won't escape fate. You are a cold blooded monster, destined to be one, all of your life. You only care for yourself and your own survival. The moment you thought otherwise was the moment you fooled yourself.

You will never save others. You can't.

How can you, if you've never showed compassion in all of your life. While you tortured your enemies, your friend bled out on the street. Maybe you could have saved him but you forgot.

Its fine. You shouldn't feel bad about it. Its what you are. A survivor. Only your life matters. You will never show compassion to anyone, because you understand, the moment you pity a pony, is the moment you die"

* * *

I blinked and shook off the memories of my past. I was in the middle of a grassy hill, of the training course seven. Shadow was laying on the cold, grassy ground. A hulking pegasus loomed over him: "...pathetic" he threw with disgust: "Are you really that weak?"

The wind carried every last word to me, as I ran to the hill.

"You think you're special?" the hulking pegasus smirked: "What the hell made you think you can be a Wonderbolt?"

Shadow made an effort to rise and the other recruit kicked him hard in the face. Even then, Shadow tried to get up again. He always tried to get up.

"The Wonderbolts need to be strong enough to save others... you can't even save yourself..." the hulking pegasus scowled:

"... some are born weak. They will always be weak and you're one of them. No matter how hard you try, you won't escape fate. You are destined to be weak, all of your life! Stop getting up already!!!" he shrieked as Shadow slowly rose up again, his hooves shaking, completely covered in blood stains and mud.

I sprinted toward them as fast as I could. I felt something warm, rolling down from my cheeks. It was rain... just rain.

A strange, sad smile appeared on my lips.

He's like me. He's just like me.

"You couldn't even protect your own family!" the hulking pegasus threw with disgust: "I bet you just watched as they died, right in front of you, because you were too useless to-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP" Shadow roared and smashed into him. They fought briefly until the hulking recruit fell to the ground. Shadow stood over him.

For a moment I thought Shadow would jump down and keep hitting the recruit but he didn't move. He just stood there. So still. So quiet.

"Hit me again..." the recruit on the ground called: "let it loose... you're anger... the only weapon you'll ever have"

"No" Shadow quietly said. The pegasus stared at him in confusion, which quickly turned into anger:

"Didn't I piss you off!? You gonna take mercy on your enemies too?!"

"Yeah" Shadow quietly said.

"You are a bloody fool" the pegasus muttered: "...you will remain weak all your life. You will never save anyone, and the next time you will pity your enemy, you will die-"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!" Shadow screamed.

I froze in my tracks.

"I WILL NOT MURDER ANOTHER OUT OF FEAR FOR MY LIFE! I DON'T CARE IF I CANNOT SAVE ANYONE! I WILL KEEP TRYING UNTIL I WILL DIE! IF I CAN SAVE EVEN ONE - IT'LL BE WORTH IT!!!"

"SHADOW!" a heavy roar echoed across the field and I slowly stepped into view. I don't know what my expression looked like. I only hoped it was obscured by the rain. Shadow quietly looked at me in shame as I slowly approached.

I waited several moments before I spoke. My voice was deathly quiet:

"... time has run out... you have failed the assignment... recruit Shadow, follow me"

"L-Lieutenant" Shadow stretched his hoof toward me but I turned away:

"Keep your mind on the goal and don't run your mouth next time" I quietly said and marched on into the downpour.

And Shadow quietly followed.

* * *

The long walk back to the office complex was uneventful. Shadow quietly followed in silence. I never tolled him where we were going and he didn't ask. As we entered the building and began nearing the offices of the high ranking staff, leaving puddles and mud everywhere, an elderly mare in civilian clothing suddenly appeared out of nowhere and effectively blocked our path.

Her eyes immediately darted to Shadow. He seemed to have recognized her and caught a look that said he wished the earth had swallow him whole, so he won't have to endure the shame.

"Well well..." the elderly mare said, pulling out a crumpled letter and waving it in the air: "All these years and this is the goodbye I get from you?"

"...I'm sorry Mrs. Perry" Shadow quietly said, looking away, trying to seem as small as possible.

The elderly mare shook her head and looked at me: "Oh, good afternoon. I'm sorry, I am Mrs. Perry, the head of the Canterlot orphanage" She brightly smiled to me: "I understand that two of my lovely kids have infiltrated your academy?" she said with a laugh "Shadow and Night Storm?"

"Yes" I nodded and shook her hoof: "It's a pleasure to meet the mare responsible for raising such decent and kindhearted men"

"Oh please" Mrs. Perry pleasantly laughed: "I bet those trouble makers are just about done wrecking your academy by now"

"Not at all" I said with a smile: "Both Night Storm and Shadow have demonstrated only responsible and decent behavior, and I believe they will become exemplary Wonderbolts in the next year. The academy is lucky to have them"

Mrs. Perry paused, seeming pleasantly surprised: "...really" she said, waited a moment and looked at Shadow with loving eyes. He sheepishly smiled to her.

"Yes" I nodded "They both show much promise"

"Well..." Mrs. Perry smiled: "I must admit, knowing those two will one day watch over me, warms my heart. Thank you for looking after them dear" she smiled to me.

I smiled back: "Thank you"

Mrs. Perry waited a moment, ruffled Shadows hair and waved him goodbye before we continued on through the building. After a few minutes of walking, Shadow uneasily called me by rank and came to a stop. We were in a deserted corridor, far from the noise of the rest of the building. He looked at his hooves and quietly said:

"Thank you..."

I looked at him and he gave a sad smile: "Thank you for lying for me. If she knew I was getting kicked out of the academy, I think it would break her heart"

"I didn't lie" I simply said and opened the nearest door.

"SIR!" I barked as I marched in and saluted.

The Commander of the Wonderbolt Academy was sitting before us, in his cozy office. Shadow caught a stunned look and quickly snapped a salute to the commander as well.

The Commander seemed to be surprised as well. He looked at me and Shadow, standing at attention and saluting in the middle of his office.

Before anyone understood what was happening, I blinked and said in a firm voice:

"I request to personally supervise the training of recruit Shadow, as he works toward becoming a Wonderbolt"

Dead silence fell over the room as both Shadow and the Commander stared at me, completely stunned to their core.

My expression remained firm and I waited in silence as they tried to process what they just heard.

"Lieutenant..." The commander finally recovered after my outburst: "... what were the results of the recruits exams?"

"Failed. Every one" I said in a firm voice. The commanders eyebrows flew up.

"Lieutenant... you are aware that failing even One of those exams immediately results in the recruit being booted?"

"Yes sir!" I said, keeping a firm expression.

"And you still want him to continue the training?" The Commander looked at me, squinting "Why"

"Beside the reason I gave yesterday sir, the recruit showed exceptional tactical skill. He is determined and smart. The recruits listen to him. He has the potential to lead. It is a rare thing"

"You mentioned that he failed the last exercise?" The Commander asked, frowning.

"Yes sir" I nodded: "His plan execution needs polishing, but he did outmaneuver my team. The only thing lacking is his physical strength. The academy can help him raise that"

I stepped forward:

"He can become an exemplary Wonderbolt! He just needs physical training. As officers, isn't that what we're here for? To train him?"

The Commander leaned back in his seat and released a long sigh: "... lets say... hypothetically... that I agree to this" he looked at Shadow:

"You do realize son, that it will require a doubled effort on your part? While everyone else will go to the barracks at the end of the day, you'll have to keep training while everyone else is sound asleep? Are you ready for that kind of pressure"

Shadow was still staring into space, looking stunned and I had to step on his hoof. He jerked and nervously barked:

"YES SIR!"

"Alright" the Commander nodded: "Let me see his detailed exam results... I need to know what I'm getting into"

I walked up to his desk and handed him a sheet of paper. He quickly looked over it and covered his eyes:

"Shadow..." he said with a sigh: "You do know that our academy was once famous for training the most Elite flyers in the world?"

"Yes... sir..." Shadow looked away and his ears fell.

The commander was hopelessly staring at the paper I gave him: "...son... I'm not quite sure but... this may very well go on record, as the worst flying score, that anyone has ever got, in the history of this academy"

"... s-sir" Shadow mumbled: "T-there are... earth pony and unicorn squads I could join... if you... allow... sir"

"You're a PEGASUS, for the love of god!" The Commander yelled and fell back in his chair: "You gonna fly... you bloody better. I swear to god, this academy will not release a pegasi Wonderbolt who cant fly... Lieutenant!"

"Sir!" I snapped to attention.

"Supervise his training! Especially flying! The recruits are about to begin their twelve month training course. If he does not meet the minimum required standards, he's out! No second chances! If he gets injured due to his physical condition, I'm holding you personally responsible!" he barked at me: "Do you still want to go through with this?"

I firmly nodded with a smile: "Yes sir"

"Good, get out of my office" he waved us out with a resigned expression and we stepped outside.

I closed the door behind us and noticed Shadow still had a completely stunned look on his face. I couldn't help but smile a little.

"Ma'am?" he asked after a moment: "...why did you do that?" he looked at me.

"I am a training officer" I said with a nod "Its my job"

"...thank you" he smiled and I smiled back.

I looked out the window and noticed that the rain has stopped. Bright sun rays began to peak through the clouds.

I smiled to myself.

If I can save even one, it'll be worth it... huh