Chapter Two: Twi Curious

Twilight Sparkle was nervous. Even though she had recently become a princess she hadn’t seen Princess Celestia in almost a month, and she was afraid that her latest letter had been a bit underwhelming. She had been so desperate for a lesson to write about that she had ended just writing the first thing that had come into her head.

As she approached the castle doors she heard the guards whispering about her.
“I’m telling you man, she’s taller.”
“Yeah, and dat flank… are all alicorns like that?”
“You know it man, I know I shouldn’t stare at the sun but whenever Celestia’s not looking I try to sneak a peek!”

Twilight suddenly cast a spell on the two. They wouldn’t be staring at her mentor’s behind again in a hurry, not when just thinking of her rear would make them tapdance involuntarily on the spot from now on.
“Twilight, my former pupil, come in! Would you like a scone?”
“No thanks Princess Celestia, I was actually just here to talk about what my royal duties would be from now on?”

Celestia smiled slyly, before taking the same book she had been reading before from a nearby couch.
“I must say, I found your last letter quite… insightful.” Celestia teased, before summoning the letter.

“Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned the most important lesson of all; don’t leave things in the fridge. Also, Friendship. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”

“I had a slow week?” Twiilight grinned, sheepishly.
“Well anyway Twilight, I was wondering if you could help me with a little spell I’m working on… a spell to improve the royal assets.”
“You mean a spell that will help with the countries’ finances?” Twilight asked. She had never heard of such a spell before, and the idea excited her.
“Yes, well, it would be a boon to the country, in a sense…”

Twilight poured through the book, quickly finding the spell.
“This doesn’t look so hard, the words are weird though… why can’t you read it yourself?”
“Because this particular spell has some very… intense effects on the body of whoever it’s being cast on. I wouldn’t be able to speak the words because of the sensations the spell brings.”

Twilight blushed. She had heard that some spells caused pain or pleasure to whoever they were cast on, and had been meaning to try out a certain spell of that kind herself one day. Unfortunately she had yet to find an excuse to get Spike out of the house for a few hours so she could practice it.
“Wait, you want me to cast it on you?”
“You don’t mind, do you Twilight?”
“Of course not, now let me see” Twilight said, started the incantation. It was easily the strangest spell she had ever read.

"Flanks of all shapes and all sizes,
Prepare for some big surprises,
For as I chant this wicked words
You flank, it swells and rises!"

“Oooooooohhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh…”
“Are you alright Prin-“
“-KEEP GOING DAMN YOU!”
Twilight paused for the briefest moment. Was it her, or was Celestia’s flank getting bigger? Regardless, she resumed the spell, not wanting to upset her teacher.

"Now you’ll stand out from the crowd,
Booty big and Cutie Mark proud,
Though you think this spell a friend
Your ass expansion will never end!"

“Dear sweet sunrise, my flank! It’s beautiful! Grow my darling, rise up like the first fledgling shafts of wheat in the summer- OHHHHHHHHH!”

Twilight’s jaw hit the floor.
“Princess Celestia, I can’t stop the spell! How do I reverse it?”
“You don’t, you silly girl! I’m going to spread myself across this land, so all can witness my bountiful glory!”
Twilight ran as fast as she could. She could hear the sounds of the castle walls crashing down around her, and when she turned Her Toyal Highness was enormous. Celestia thrashed about on her back, moaning and sighing, and the sight left Twilight more than a little aroused.
Damnit Twilight, now is NOT the time!
Summoning the best doctors in Equestria (and her friend Zecora), Twilight brought the group back to where Celestia now lay, fast asleep.
The head doctor placed a stethoscope against Celestia’s rump.
“Yep, she’s alive all right. She’s really been going at the cake though, huh?”
“This isn’t the time for jokes doctor, what’s wrong with her?”
“I’ve only seen this spell once before, I believe we’re dealing with the “Gluteus Maximizer”, a spell designed to induce enhancement of the, ahem, ‘plot’.”
“Can it be reversed?”
“Only through the collection of a second copy of the spell. Each version of the spell is different, so as to prevent multiple users from abusing it’s powers. Once a version of the spell is used, it becomes powerless. You’ll need to find a second copy.”
At this Zecora smiled, pulling out a scrap of ancient paper.

“This is a piece; six parts remain,
I tore it up, to prevent other’s pain,
for know this Twilight; yes, this spell
is known for never ending well!”

Twilight took the map piece.
“Alright, so where are the rest of the pieces?”

“I left one in the griffon’s keep,
Another in the mountains deep,
A third I kept quite close to home
A fourth where dragon’s like to roam
A fifth I kept up in the sky,
But for the sixth… someone must die.”

“Wait, what? Where’s the sixth?”
Zecora turned away from the group, ashamed.

“To mortals that piece is now lost
Hiding it took a terrible cost
To reach it take’s one’s final breath;
I left it in the hands of Death.”

The doctor coughed.
“This is all very well and good, but Her Highness is still growing, albeit at a far slower rate than before. I’m afraid that if the spell isn’t reversed soon, we’ll be up to our asses in, well, ass.”
“Damnit, what would you do Princess Celestia?”
Celestia responded by starting to snore loudly. The very earth shook slightly with the sound.
At that moment Princess Luna arrived on the scene. She seemed exhausted and more than a little frustrated.
“Princess Luna! Where have you been?”
“I used a sleeping spell to knock Celestia out- well, technically it was a swimming pool full of scotch, but it took ten unicorns to lift it so that should still count. Anyway, I’m here to make sure she stays asleep for as long as possible.”
Princess Luna’s horn started to glow, and a bubble of energy enveloped Celestia; her snoring slowed, as if time itself was slowing down for her and her alone.
“What should I do, Princess Luna? I need to find six scattered pieces of a spell to fix this!”
“Listen, I’m a little busy over here, ok? Just use friendship or something, that’s your thing, right?”
Twilight then had a genius plan.

***

“Alright gang, do you know why I gathered you all here today?”

“Because Celestia has a flank for days, and it just won’t quit?” Rainbow Dash said.

“Not just for days, Dash. If we don’t reverse the spell soon the ass shall last forever!”

“Eternal Flank? Good heavens!” Rarity chimed in.

“But how did this happen?” Fluttershy asked.

“Errr… we don’t know.” Twilight said, her eyes turning toward the floor. “But the important thing is that I have a job for each and every one of you. Listen up girls, here’s the plan:

-Rainbow Dash, you head to the Griffon kingdom and ask about for the whereabouts of the spell piece. Try finding Gilda, I know you two still aren’t on the best of terms but she’s the best chance we’ve got of finding that particular piece.

-Fluttershy, you need to fly to the mountains in the north. There is a cult of batponies up there that protect the second piece in a cave somewhere. Find the cave, and charm them into letting you take the piece.

-Applejack, supposedly there’s a piece of the spell buried somewhere in Sweet Apple Acres. Supposedly Big Apple, one of your ancestors, left instructions to finding it in his Will, try starting there if you can find it.

-Rarity, you need to head to Mount Infernus, the home of the dragons, to try and forge some kind of deal with their king for the fourth piece.

-I’m going after the fifth piece myself, somewhere up in Cloudsdale.

Pinkie Pie could barely contain her excitement.
“Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh! I can’t wait to hear what I’m gonna need to do, I’m just DYING to find out!”
Twilight turned towards Pinkie, with an expression of deadly seriousness.
“No Pinkie, you aren’t. I don’t care what it takes, I swear on Celestia’s ever expanding empire that no pony is gonna die here.”

“So, are there any questions?”
“Yeah, do I really have to talk to Gilda? I’d rather deal with Sunbutt eclipsing the world-“
“Batponies? Twilight, are you sure that’s a good idea? The last time I dealt with bats I…”
“Big Apple? He was the black sheep of the family, we try not to talk about him…”
“Yes darling, and why of all fillies are you asking me to deal with a dragon? They have such terrible taste in interior decorating…”
“Yeah, and what am I supposed to do, make balloon animals ‘til you guys get back? This is no fun at all!”
Twilight could take no more.
“ENNNNNNOOOOOOUUUUGGGGHH!”
The group froze.
“Listen, I don’t have time for this, and neither does Equestria. Maybe you want Princess Celestia to sit on you and everyone you hold dear, but I don’t, and if you don’t go do your jobs right now I’m going to go Lesson Zero on your asses, now MOVE!”
The group immediately headed off, and Twilight herself slowly rose into the sky.
“I hope this works…” she said.

***

Meanwhile, the pair of guards from before were tapdancing against their will outside of Celestia’s room. They had been doing so for hours.
“Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!”

Author's Note

Odd numbered chapters are sex scenes, and even ones are more comedy/exposition based. I hope to have the next chapter up soon!