The Adventures Continue

Simple Ways

Episode 4/13

Prompt: It’s opposite day in Equestria! Write about someone swapping roles for a time.

Word count restriction: 1,000 - 7,000

Spike wrung his claws. “Aw, come on, Twilight. It’s not that bad…”

“Not that bad? Not that bad?” Twilight swept her hoof to the pile of mangled books before them. “Spike, look at these! The spines are all bent, and some of the pages are ripped!”

He waddled over to the books and picked one up. “Well, at least none of them are burnt,” he said, flipping through the pages with a hesitant smile.

She sighed and sat on her haunches. “Yes, well, I guess there’s that. None of them are burnt.”

Spike felt a familiar pressure in his chest. His cheeks puffed, and before he could react, a large tongue of green fire burst from his mouth, incinerating the book and leaving a scroll in its stead. He blushed and tapped the ashes with his foot. “Um… almost none of them are burnt?”

Twilight simply sighed and levitated the scroll before her face. “This had better be good news…”

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

This letter is to congratulate you on your fantastic accomplishment! You have been picked among all the librarians in Equestria to receive the Equestrian Literary Society’s coveted Most Responsible Librarian Award, for your perfect and uncompromised reputation of keeping your books protected and free from damage. Your trophy, celebratory sash, and autographed photo of the Society’s members congratulating you and expressing their utmost trust that your care of books will continue unimpeded are to be delivered to your residence within the next few business days.

Keep up the good work!

Reasonable Doubt, Equestrian Literary Society chairman

“So what does it say?” asked Spike.

“It says I need to get a new assistant,” she replied bitterly.

From his perch near the window, Owlowiscious ruffled his feathers. “Hoo.”

“Yeah, Featherbrain has a point,” Spike said. “Who could possibly do a better job than us?”

Twilight gestured to the pile of ashes on the floor. “Maybe somepony that doesn’t have lighter fluid for saliva.”

He crossed his arms. “Look, Twilight. I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Can we move on, please?”

“I don’t think you have the proper respect for my work here, Spike.”

“Respect!” he repeated, throwing his arms into the air. “One mistake, and now I don’t have respect?”

“What about that time you spilled syrup all over my copy of How to Safely Store Liquids for the Incompetent?”

He frowned. “Two mistakes, then.”

“Or that time you dropped a box full of new deliveries into a mud puddle outside?” she continued, a smirk growing on her face.

“Three… three mistakes.”

“Or that time you turned into a giant dragon and destroyed dozens of books because you couldn’t control your greed?”

“That wasn’t my fault!”

“Even so, it seems like you don’t show the amount of respect for these books that I expect of you.”

He set his claws on his hips. “And yet you leave me to run the place alone when you’re off saving the world from something or another.”

“Not quite,” she said, shaking her head. “I make sure to tell Owlowiscious to keep an eye on you.”

Spike turned to the bird and narrowed his eyes “Not one word, rat-eater.”

“Hoo.”

“You!”

“Hoo.”

“Are you deaf or something? You!”

“Hoo.”

Spike clutched his temples and stomped his feet. “I don’t believe this! I can do a perfectly fine job of running this place without anypony’s help!”

Owlowiscious took to the air and landed on Twilight’s back. “Hoo.”

“Don’t make me come over there,” Spike seethed.

Twilight brought a hoof to her chin. “No, Spike, I think he has a point.”

“What point is he making, besides how much he wants me to hurt him?”

“I think he’s saying that until I let you give running the library a try, we can’t know who is responsible enough.” She turned to her passenger. “Does that sound about right?”

“Hoo.”

Spike scratched the spine atop his head. “So, you’re gonna let me run the library?”

“I don’t see why not, as long as I’m around to make sure nothing goes wrong.”

“But how is that going to show that I’m responsible?”

“Hoo,” said Owlowiscious.

Twilight laughed. “Of course! I’ll just be your assistant! That way, you’ll get to experience the responsibility without me having to leave!”

“How are you getting all of this from him?” asked Spike.

“He’s very eloquent if you’d just give him a chance. Isn’t that right, Owlowiscious?”

“Hoo.”

Twilight blushed. “Oh, not in front of Spike, you naughty bird!” she giggled.

Spike shook his head. “So, when do we start?”

“Why not now?”

“Now?”

“Now.”

“Hoo.”

“Alright, then,” Spike said, stroking his chin. “Twilight, my assistant, I order you pick up these books.”

Twilight simply turned and began to trot up the stairs. “Sorry, but as your assistant, I have some chores to do.”

“Like what?”

“Like dusting the bedroom, which would be done already if you had done it when I asked you to.”

“Well, fine,” he said as she disappeared onto the upper floor. “It’s not like anything’s gonna happen while you’re gone.”

The door suddenly burst open to reveal absolutely nopony.

Spike cocked his head. “The heck?” He hesitantly approached the doorway and looked outside, first to the right, and then to the left. “Is… is anypony there?”

He received no answer, because there was, in fact, nopony there.

He stepped back inside and shut the door. “Twilight,” he called, “does our door ever just… open, by itself?”

“Stop playing with the door, Spike.”

“Of course,” he grumbled. “It’s always me, isn’t it?” He turned to the pile of damaged books and sighed. “Well, I guess these do have to be put away.” He picked one up at random and looked at the cover. “The Importance of Being Robert. This goes in fiction, I think.” So he waddled to the proper bookcase, set the book in its place, and returned to the stack. “How to Win Friends and Influence Ponies. Nonfiction.” There the book went, and to the pile Spike returned. “The Importance of Being Robert.”

He paused. “Huh. We must have gotten two copies.” He walked to where he had placed the first, and his jaw dropped. “Where did the first one go? It was right here!” He put the book in its place and returned to the pile. “Calm down, Spike,” he told himself, “it’s nothing. Let’s see, now. How to Win Friends and…” He ran to where he had placed it the first time, and was greeted by an empty space. “What in Equestria is going on here?”

He returned to the pile once more, and placed prominently on the top of the pile were the two books he had just shelved. He swatted them away. “Maybe all of these are just… just copies of the same two books?” He picked up another, whose cover read You’re Crazy, Spike.

He dropped the book and gasped. “What? What is this?” He began to sift through the pile. “You’re Insane, Spike… You’re Delusional, Spike… You’re Two Bits Short of a Barrel, Spike… Spike, You Lack the Mental Faculties Necessary to Achieve the Threshold Required to Function Independently…” He backed away from the pile and shouted: “Twilight!”

She came galloping down the stairs. “What in Celestia’s name is it, Spike? Are you alright?”

He pointed to the pile. “L-l-look at the books,” he said. “R-read the titles.”

She shot him a curious look and approached the pile. “I don’t see anything unusual here, Spike,” she said, sifting through the books. “Besides the broken spines and dirty pages, there’s nothing wrong with these books.”

“Nothing wrong? Look at this!” He ran to her and picked up a book. “Explain why the cover says…” He gulped. “Defecation is for Everypony?”

She levitated it and flipped through the pages. “It’s a book for foals about using the bathroom, Spike. I believe I had you read it when you were younger. You were a slow learner, remember?”

He clenched his fists and felt his cheeks burn. “All of these books were about me a minute ago!”

“About you?”

“They were all called stuff like You’re Crazy, Spike!”

She blinked, and then frowned. “Oh, I get it. I said you couldn’t handle the responsibility, and now you’re pretending that you have no idea what you’re doing.”

“What?”

She began to trot back up the stairway. “Instead of mocking me, Spike, why don’t you try to prove me wrong?” She paused to smirk at him. “If you can.”

He huffed and turned back to the pile.

“Spike,” Twilight said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t you picked these up?”

Spike gasped and swung his head to the staircase. “But… but you were…”

“But I was what, Spike?” She glared at him, disapproval showing in her eyes.

“But you just went upstairs!”

“If I just went upstairs, how could I be down here?” She shook her head. “Stop playing games and pick these up.”

“B-but what about our bet? What about you being the assistant?”

She trotted past him and began to ascend the stairs. “Don’t be silly, Spike. Please, just do what I’ve asked.”

“But… but I…” He groaned. “Yes, Twilight.” He turned back to the pile.

“Spike,” Twilight said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t you picked these up?”

He sputtered and fell onto his back. “But I… You were… You just…”

“But I was what, Spike?” She glared at him, disapproval showing in her eyes.

“How did you get from upstairs to here so fast?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I just saw you go upstairs twice!”

Twilight’s glare disappeared. Her head turned mechanically back to the pile, and her face became adorned with an expression of frustration. “Spike,” she said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t you picked these up?”

Spike simply stared.

“Spike,” she said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t you picked these up?”

“Twilight…”

“Spike,” she said as she gestured to the pile, “Spike, why haven’t… why haven’t you picked these up?”

“Twilight, are you… are you alright?”

“Spike,” she said as she gestured to the pile, “why haven’t… Spike, why… why… Spike… picked these up?”

“Twilight, you’re scaring me.”

Twilight’s pupils dilated to enormous size, and her mouth hung open, letting loose a blue smoke.

Spike screamed and crawled away. “Twilight! Twilight, what’s happening?”

The smoke coalesced into the form of Zecora. “Your mind has shattered, youthful one,” it said. “Your entry into the darkness has begun!”

“My what?”

The blue smoke exploded outward, and Spike found himself sitting in a plane composed entirely of the hazy gas. “What’s going on?”

Spike appeared in front of Spike. “Dragon,” Spike said. “Dragon dragon dragon pony pony dragon.”

“What?”

“Pony dragon dragon pony pony pony dragon.”

“Who are you?”

Spike fell backward and Spike fell forward and Spike met Spike and Spike began to convulse and the smoke turned into a giant rainbow and dollops of chocolate began to rain from the rainbow and Spike used his hoof to scoop up some chocolate and then he was afraid because King Sombra had stolen his diamond but then he felt happy because Rarity and Fluttershy were dancing so beautifully and the colors all melted together and Spike melted and the world melted and everything felt blank and everything was dark because Spike was now unconscious.

~

“Sister!” Luna said, her eyes shining with excitement. “I have taken your wise advice and have improved my pranking prowess!”

Celestia set the papers she had been looking at onto her desktop. “Oh? How so, Luna?”

“The princess of the night hath deposited hallucinogenic drugs into the food of the librarian’s draconic inferior!” she squealed, practically shaking with mirth.

Celestia blinked before bringing her forehooves to her temples. “Luna, in the name of the Cosmos, please tell me you’re joking.”

“Who is most deserving of the title of ‘best pranker’?” Luna cheered. “Certainly not Celestia, or the wicked, motley fiend!”

“Luna,” Celestia continued slowly, “you cannot drug our little ponies.”

Luna waved a hoof. “Oh, certainly! But I did not drug a pony! The prank was received by a dragon!”

Celestia’s stern frown wavered before she burst into laughter. “Oh, Luna. Whatever will I do with you?”

Back in Ponyville, Spike stacked cheese wheels with his tentacles, as he was wont to do.