The incredibly perfect rule of Princess Ditzy Doo
Princess Sunbutt Celestia is an eternally serious mare with a warm smile, ask anypony, go on, I'll wait...
Welcome back. And Princess Luna? Well, there's no way to deny that she is best princess, no need to go ask anypony, you know it's true.
And together, they make a nearly unstoppable duo, capable of overpowering the structure of a tyrant's regime or a steel chair. Truly, nopony can fill their horseshoes, because one pair is big enough to hide a bong in, trust me, I've done it.
Normally, nothing would make the pair of them both leave to address a problem.
Today was not a normal day.
Celestia trots towards her throne, mail held in her golden magic "Electric bill, letter from Sunset Shimmer, food bill, letter from Twilight, sun block bill, letter from Discord, Banana shipping invoices, letter from Scorpan, package from Twilight Velvet... the usual"
Luna shuffles past, a comically oversized cup of coffee the size of her whole body with a bendy straw, 3 whole bags of sugar, 2 gallons of cream, and an enchanted spoon stirring them together "Mmmnff..."
Celestia nods to her sister "Good morning to you too sleepy head"
Luna plops onto her own throne, her mane solid and messy, her eyes shut against the light of day. "Mmmnff..."
"I know I raised the sun 20 minutes early but it's only a week away from the equinox. How was night court?"
Luna's ear flicks in her sisters' direction "Mmmnff..."
Celestia rolls her eyes "I know you think it's pointless and you could be out having fun but you have a job to resolve the problems of your subjects"
"Mmmnff..."
Celestia sighs "Fine, why you can't get the straw into your mouth is beyond me..." the end of the straw is brought to the stiff lips of the princess of the night, long slurps filling the hall before stopping abruptly.
As is the schedule, Celestia and the guards cover their eyes as Luna is engulfed in bright light before a soft cough signals that her metamorphosis is over
"Luna, why do you need to drink this... odorous mess?"
Luna, now more recognizable, blows a raspberry at her sister "I could ask you the same thing about that watery swill you call tea. Coffee is the best invention since the moon pie! It makes me STROOOOONG!!!" Luna flexes her forelegs and large muscles bulge to prove her point "I am a one-pony warship with the power of coffee. Especially since it also has spinach in it."
Celestia groans "You will never get any respect if you keep acting like a child, grow up Luna"
Luna rolls her eyes "Yes, and then I can become as respected as you big sister. I will only grow old, not up. Or in your case, out."
Celestia rubs her forehead "I am not going to join you on your pointless exercises and count calories. I like the shape I'm in, and that's that."
Luna nods "Yes, I do hear that burlesque is coming back into popularity."
A guard snickers, earning a smile from Luna and a glare from Celestia.
Sighing, Celestia spares a glance at the cup her sister had brought, the contents nearly gone "You have a caffeine problem..."
Luna smirks "I do not have a problem with caffeine. I just have a problem when I don't have caffeine. And if we are speaking of problems, there is the fact that you are so large that I found a bundle of foals sleeping in one of your horseshoes!"
Celestia groans "It was a single squirrel."
"Actually it was a family of raccoons, your highness" the same guard from earlier said, ignoring the solar monarch's glare.
"Tell me, what is your name?" Celestia asks, her eye twitching in annoyance.
"Flash Sentry Ma'am" he responds, his partner struggling not to laugh.
Celestia nods "Flash Sentry, yes, I'll remember your cunning wit for your next assignment..."
Luna giggles "You have yet to disprove my point sister... maybe thy strained heart is not getting sufficient blood to thy brain?"
Celestia snorts "I am not fat. I am just big-boned and you'll start to suffer from gravity at some point."
Luna rolls her eyes "Not so dear sister. I have my own personal field of gravity that keeps me both in-shape and sleek. In fact, I read in an article from Manehatten that my buttocks are the firmest pair on record and voted the most desirable of the world rulers. Queen Chrysalis was second in fact."
"And what about mine?"
"The most squishy and plush, and second from last in ranking. The last was Lord Smooze, but only by three votes."
Celestia snarls at her sister "You have better not be making this up..."
"Have a look for thyself" she replies, levitating a magazine to Celestia.
"... Twilight has 500 more votes?! She's tiny and... Twilight!"
Luna shrugs "If you want to get a higher rank, how about you do what I did?"
"... Spend a millennium trapped on a desolate satellite?" Celestia asks.
Luna's head drops "No, work out, get moving. I'll even help you! You won't even need that one surgery with the plungers!"
Celestia pauses "One, Who would oversee the kingdom? Two, what?"
Luna makes a slicing motion at Celestia's chest and pulls a plunger from beside her throne and presses it onto her sister's chest and starts moving it up and down "This!!"
"L-Lu-un-a-a-a!" she yells, her tiara falling off.
"Lip-o-suction! You know, that thing that paunchy mares do who have too much money and don't like work?"
Celestia places her tiara back on and rubs the ring of plungered flesh tenderly "O-okay... one, it's liposuction. Two, why in Equestria is there a plunger next to your throne? Or rather, how did I not notice it?"
Luna rolls her eyes "I have plungers stashed all over Equestria in case of plunger emergencies!"
Celestia rubs her head "Are you taking lessons from Pinkie Pie?"
Luna shakes her head "Nope! I also keep tacos in your mane in case of taco emergencies. That I learned from a nice woman I met on earth."
Celestia shivers and runs a hoof through her mane "That wouldn't have happened to be Sonata Dusk, would it?"
"No, I learned it from a nice mare named Vice Principal. I don't know what that entails, but it sounded like a lot of time to work while dealing with funny things."
"Stop using the portal Luna. You'll do something immature and get the you in that dimension in trouble."
Luna shrugs and reaches into Celestia's mane, pulling a steaming, foil-wrapped taco from it "It's all in the wrist, dear sister."
"We don't HAVE wrists!!"
Luna sighs "You are too serious dear sister, lighten up!" she bites into the taco "Hmm... forgot the hot sauce."
"I guess you'll have to do with- what are you-?" Luna reaches in again and pulls an orange bottle from Celestia's mane and squirts the contents onto her taco before placing it back in her sister's mane.
"Whaph were you saphing?" Luna asks, biting her food.
Celestia hangs her head "... I give up. You're determined to drive me insane."
"You're welcome!"
"That- never mind. And back to the original point, where would we go to do this work-out plan of yours?"
"The Everfree forest, duh." Luna replies as if it was obvious
Celestia groans "I'm not agreeing to it, but who would run the country? Deal with the nobles, answer the questions of citizens?"
Luna shrugs, waving her plunger like a wand "Twilight is likely to lose control, Cadence is busy with the crystal empire, Blueblood is a prick, and we'll be gone..."
Celestia grins "See? We can't leave the country without somepony to guide it! So I'll stick with my job for now."
Luna continues, ignoring her sister "We need somepony who won't be corrupted by power. Somepony with an ear to the ground, somepony is approachable no matter what. Somepony who is empathic but capable of seeing the possible outcomes of his or her actions without being frozen by indecision... somepony humble, wise beyond their years..."
"INCOMIIIIIIIINNNG!!!!!" A panicked voice screams, everypony besides Luna, still deep in thought, taking cover.
A grey blur shoots through a window, knocks the plunger from luna's grip and lands in her lap "Hm?"
The grey blur shakes her head and looks up at Luna with deep gold eyes.
Luna stares back, initiating a staring contest.
Ditzy looks back, her gaze unwavering until her right eye drifts to the plunger stuck on her head.
Luna sits still as stone, her eyes fixed upon the mare in her lap.
Celestia straightens herself up and looks around for the cause of the scream "What was- oh, hello Derp-"
Both mares raise their hooves and poke the other's snout "Boop!"
The spell broken, Ditzy bats at the stick of the plunger "It's stuck..."
Luna nods and lights her horn to remove it when she gasps "Her! She can do it!"
Celestia blinks "You... you want to entrust a mailmare with the job? That's one of the most ludicrous ideas I've ever heard."
Luna picks Ditzy up from under the armpits "No! It's perfect! Mail ponies are known for their incorruptible attitudes, and ability to get things done, know what's going on in every town their route takes them, approachable, know how their actions affect others and Ditzy is one of the most humble ponies I've ever met! She's even got a horn and wings!!"
Ditzy cocks her head and reaches for her mail bag, pulling a letter out "Sorry, I missed this one earlier. Here you go."
Celestia takes the letter "Booth revenues?"
Luna takes the letter "That's mine, it's my pay for working at some booths last week. Let's see what my next route is..." Luna one-arm hugs Ditzy who smiles and hums in happiness "...Okay, I have to buy another gender glamour and some feldspar... easy."
Celestia sighs "Why do you insist on working when you're a diarch of an entire kingdom?"
"The coffers of the treasury won't last forever. I am just becoming an average citizen of this kingdom, and I like working, it's fun."
Ditzy looks up at Luna, the stick of the plunger poking her cheek "What's the job? I could always use more money to pay rent."
Luna smiles "Simple, you just be princess for a time and solve the problems of ponies."
Ditzy blinks "... Can I still deliver mail?"
Luna nods "I do not see why not."
Ditzy's eyes focus in thought for a second before she grins "Okay!"
Luna claps her hooves "Wonderful! Come sister, we have to get you in perfect shape!"
Celestia blinks for several seconds "Wha- Just like that?! Don't I get to pack?!"
Luna rolls her eyes "Packing is for trips and adventures! This is both of them so double positive means no packing!"
"That's double negatives!!" Celestia yells, trying to gain traction on the floor.
Ditzy blinks and waves at the two stunned guards "Hi!"
One of them sighs "... It's going to be an interesting month..."
The incredibly perfect rule of Princess Ditzy Doo
After seeing Princess Luna and Celestia off, Princess Ditzy Doo walks into Luna's room "Oooo..."
A thestral guard jerks awake, angling her spear at Ditzy "Malt! I mean, Halt!"
Ditzy turns to look at the guard with a soft smile "I'm a princess."
The guard stares at her for a second before bowing "Sorry princess, I can't keep track of how many princesses there are anymore."
Ditzy smiles "It's okay, I'm not mad, you were just doing your job."
The guard nods before yawning "Need anything Princess? I'm kinda sleepy."
Ditzy shakes her head "I'm good, sweet dreams."
The guard nods back, before falling asleep, enchanted armor locking in place with a soft click.
Shrugging at the noise, Ditzy walks into a closet and roots around for something "Where is the box? Where is that box?"
Ditzy grins and pulls a box labeled "Princess Stuff" out from the closet.
After removing the tape, Ditzy pulls out a tarnished tiara and a breast plate, a single dull purple gem set in the center of each "You two need some polishing!"
The guard snorts and walks over to her "Do you need assistance, Princess?"
Ditzy nods "Yes, where can I find metal polish? I'm afraid my royal accessories are a bit tarnished."
"Follow me Princess." The guard instructs, leading Ditzy.
"The armory should suit your needs Princess."
Ditzy bows "Thank you so much Midnight Rose. I hope that assisting me did not take too much from your sleep."
Midnight grins "I can spare a few moments to assist you. Would you like me to wait for you here?"
"No, Thank you for your help."
After saluting, Ditzy nudges through the heavy wooden door and into a bright, humid room "Hello?"
"Aye? 'Ow may I help ye?" A thickly accented voice answers from behind a large cloud of steam.
Moving towards the voice's source, she wipes her brow "I was wondering if you could lend some metal polish to me, my accoutrements are a bit tarnished from having not been used in some time."
A black mass moves towards her "Polish, eh? Wha' kind o' metal ye be talkin' about?"
"A small tiara and breastplate. Gold Orichalcum." Ditzy says
A sputter answers her statement "G-golden Or'chalcum! Ye must be richr'n th' princesses ta have tha' type o' metal!"
Before she can answer, a large black minotaur approaches, sweat matting his coat "Let me see tha'."
Ditzy nods and presents her items and the minotaur stares at them "Incredible... ne'er in me life would ah think ah'd see gold Or'chalcum..."
Ditzy nods "My family is in possession of the only known vein in all of equestrian, they were forged and tempered by my late ancestors who settled in ancient Chariotora* they'd mine for it to survive and make tools, but these were worn by the matriarch who escaped from the civilization's downfall. And it has been passed down from mother to daughter to my iffy uncle Bon Clay to myself. I wish to wear these but I lack the knowledge or skill to do so."
The minotaur nods in thought "Ah can polish these wit' ease, in fa' ah'd be honored ta do it."
Ditzy smiles "Thank you so much Forge master Mythril Bone. Shall I leave you to it?"
Mythril nods "Aye, but come ba' in 'alf an hour 'er so."
Ditzy bows and walks out of the steam filled room, a content smile on her face.
Ditzy wanders into the kitchen, quickly setting to work on something.
A pair of chefs stop mid-step and observe the curious grey pegasus "Uh, what are you doing?"
"Hm? Oh, I was making myself some lunch before composing a letter to my employer. I'm sorry if I'm in the way, I'm just about done."
The first one, a white stallion with a salad fork and soup spoon cutie mark (Not an unsightly pastry fork and egg spoon. Plebs.) "But why here?"
"I'm a substitute Princess. I would be wearing regalia but alas, they are being polished."
The second one, a black mare with a pepper cutie mark shakes her head at he friend "Now Pate, that ain't no way to speak to royalty."
Ditzy smiles and picks up her PB&J sandwiches and glass of water "Thank you! Have a nice day!"
The first one turns to his friend "Why did you let her just come in here, Ragin'?"
Ragin' rolls her eyes "'Cause she a princess ya daft ninney. Substitute or not, she still signs ya paycheck. An' did ya see her flank? Oooh how I wanna sprinkle some cumin over those taters."
Pate shivers "You confuse me Ragin' Cajun. Anyways, I'm going to go and clock out, try not to get zebra dust everywhere if you can help it."
"They're called spices, ya halfwit!" she shakes her hoof angrily.
Ditzy looks around for a match "Where did they- aha!" a small candle sits under a pile of reports, and she lights it, and a green flame glows brightly on the enchanted wick. She folds her letter and sets it alight, the ashes flying out of he window "That's done... now onto day court!
She jumps out of the window and crashes through the throne room window "Sorry!"
The royal glass window repair pony grumbles something, but returns to work.
Princess Ditzy Doo sat on the throne.
Well, the porcelain one.
The white one.
Celestia's.
Anyways, she sat on Celestia's white porcelain throne-
"Wait, no... that sounds like I'm using the little filly's room." She muttered to herself, moving to Luna's throne.
Princess Ditzy Doo sat on Luna's dark blue ceramic throne and angled her pointy horn of declogging at the guards next to the door "Let day court commence."
The two guards shrugged and opened the double doors, a single pegasus walks in "H-hello your majesty."
"Hello Fire Stone. What is your request?"
He looked up then averted his eyes "I... I have a problem with my forge. The one that I had was ransacked by guard ponies during Tirek's attack and... they won't reimburse me for damages or any of the other things they took..."
The left guard snorted "It was a national emergency, you should be hono-" Princess Ditzy stomped her hoof, garnering the attention of the guard "It may have been an emergency, and I know of the incident in question. Not only was your forge damaged beyond being safe to use, but they stole your steel ores as well as breaking, entering, and damaging a number of your tools of the trade, is that not correct?"
Fire Stone nodded "Yes! That's exactly what happened, your majesty!"
Ditzy nods serenely and smiles at the guard "Seeing as how you have volunteered to help, you're relieved of guard duty as of now and will assist in the repairs of Fire Stone's forge, tools, and other damaged items or property. Isn't that generous of him?" she asks the other guard and Fire Stone.
The guard stutters "Wha- you cannot be serio-"
"Corporal Still Waters, you can appeal to me to change your sentence after you've worked for a fortnight. Now go before I change my mind and have your co-officer assist as well, because you two are friends, yes?"
Still turned to his one-eyed co-guard and Corporal Fox Hole turned his head mechanically, a look of disinterest on his face "Don't matter to me either way, mate."
Still suppresses a shudder That guy gives me the creeps... "That's okay, I'm sure that I can handle it alone."
Ditzy shrugs and motions that he is dismissed.
As he leaves, another pony walks in, a thestral "Ey is dis th' place I goes ta get a job 'round ere?"
Ditzy blinks "I am sure that I can direct you to the proper office."
Fox grins "I'm sure that I can help 'er, yer majesty. I'll also tell the guards at the station to replace me and Still."
Ditzy smiles and nods "That sounds like a wonderful proposition Fox Hole. Go ahead."
The thestral grins too, her cheeks flushing "T'anks. Ey, Foxy, you like 'Talian food?"
"I've worked in me fair share of restaurants. One of 'em was haunted to boot. Kinda how I lost me eye as matter a fact..."
She smirks "Do tell..."
Ditzy clears her throat "If you two are going to split a pizza, be sure to do it after you've both clocked out."
Both blush bright red "It- it ain't like dat princess! I's jus' makin' conversation!"
"Aye! Just being polite to the lass!"
Ditzy smiles serenely, but Fox knows the art of smiles.
She knew the truth "I was just making sure you didn't violate any rules."
Both scrambled out of the throne room, embarrassed.
Ditzy giggled to herself and repositioned herself on the dark blue throne.
The doors close and Ditzy sighs "That was fun, but I'm guessing that was a slow day?"
The guard to her left shrugged "Pretty much, yes."
She hops off the throne and flies towards the doors "I'm going to go sign the remaining paperwork, is there any chance that I could schedule night court to start in about... four hours?"
The guard shrugs again "Sound's fair."
Ditzy smiles and makes her way to Celestia's room.
She slaps her cheeks to make herself alert and starts looking over paperwork.
An hour later, Ditzy smiles in pride "Who knew that filing paperwork was so much like organizing flight and route reports? I'm a natural!" she says, having already reviewed half a tonne of paperwork.
Though to be fair, she had an advantage over the two princesses; she could read two things at the same time and write with her mouth, hooves, and wings all at the same time.
A passing maid stopped and watches the new princess work, humming a tune to herself.
Another maid stops and pokes her stunned coworker "What's got you- wow."
Soon, the entire castle staff watched Ditzy burn through every last report, file, and budgeting request going back five centuries and plans for the next two.
Several bets and pools were set up to see how long the princess could go without using the filly's room, yawning, or even pausing.
One guard in particular jokingly bet that she'd finish everything and fall asleep.
He was up to his ears in bits when the last paper was finished.
Ditzy inhales a large breath and sighs in appreciation "And they said polydextry was a waste of bits!" she turned and waved the stunned staff "Uhm, I'm going to hit the hay so... could you take these to be filed and checked? I'd do it myself, but I only have like, two hours before night court."
She takes flight gliding to Luna's room, yawning.
The royal archivist looked up from her 'Confiscated materials' and smiled awkwardly at the procession of guards, cooks, and other staff carrying piles of papers "Wh-what's going on? Why do you have all those papers?"
First Lieutenant Steel Grip smiled "It's your lucky day Ms. Archivist, you've got every single piece of paper Princess Celestia let pile up for the past five centuries to file!"
The color of the mare's coat drained like water from a sieve "Wh-what?" she weakly squeaks.
He cocks his head "You said that you never did anything but sit down here and watch the spiders. Now you've all that, plus expense allowances for the next two!"
She shivers, dreading the answer to her next question "Next two... years?"
"Nope! Centuries!" he answers, laughing and oblivious to her complete look of shock "This is a dream. This is a dream. This is a very, VERY bad nightmare... Princess Luna! I'd like to wake up now!!"
But Princess Luna couldn't hear the mare's cries for help.
Well, the archivist's cries for helps.
She was ignoring her sis- "LUNA! HELP ME!!"
Luna flipped a page of her comic book "A little run won't hurt you sister!"
Celestia panted, trying to break the bonds her sister put on her wings and horn "But tying hay bacon to my entire body and spraying me with peanut butter won't?!" she jumped to avoid a Timberwolf's fangs.
"Yelling uses oxygen! Just keep on running!"
"LLLLUUUNNNNAAAAA!!!!!"
She flips another page of her book, gasping "Boiler plate just confessed his love to Radiance! Oh poor Silver Ring..."
"THEY'RE EATING MY FLESH!!" Celestia screams as the pack of Timberwolves set upon her.
"She'll be so heart broken..."
