Depending on Filler of Course...
Space. The final frontier. The place where man has looked to for centuries and asked himself… ‘Are we alone?’
Well, mankind is about to receive a rude awakening in about a year or so, depending on filler of course. Two pods rushed through the cosmos, carrying the deadliest warriors in the entire universe, Saiyans. One was large and bald, sporting a stylish mustache and well-kept goatee and, for lack of better words, was stupid beyond any normal means of comprehension. The other was angry looking and short, but he tried to compensate his size with hair that resembled a wishing troll. (Come to think of it, he actually looked like a wishing troll.) And he was known as the smartest and strongest of all Saiyans, mainly because there were only two left.
But that didn’t matter, for they were on a mission of grave importance. Well, to them it was. They were headed for a backwater planet called Earth after the former third strongest Saiyan alive, Raditz, was slain. They didn’t care much for him, though. After all, he was only as strong as a saibaman.
Anyway, they continued their trek across the galaxy, nearing their target with every passing second. Tension mounted in the shorter one’s heart; ever since he was a wee Saiyan, he wanted one thing more than anything else. Not content with just his father’s throne or wealth, he wanted to live forever. Because of what he heard over Raditz’s communicator, that wish may finally get to come true. If only he wasn’t traveling with the definitive proof that the universe hated him and existed only to see him suffer.
“Hey Vegeta… Vegeta… Vegeta… Vegeta…” The large one said, calling on his companion through the communicator every few seconds.
“What is it, Nappa?” Vegeta said tiredly, finally giving in after an hour of silence on his part.
“Are we there yet?” Nappa asked excitedly, clenching his fist like a little boy at Christmas.
“No, Nappa…” Vegeta sighed, dragging his hand down his face. “As I’ve explained to you one thousand times, we won’t be at Earth for close to a year. Now, just sit back in your pod and-“
“Hey, Vegeta.”
“What now Nappa?”
“Are we there yet?”
“God I hope there’s an air leak in your pod and you get sucked through the hole…”
“But Vegeta!” Nappa gasped. “That would kill me.”
“I could only hope…” Vegeta said smiling as he imagined it happening.
“HEY VEGETA!” Nappa screamed at the top of his lungs, nearly causing his ear drums to bleed.
“What now Nappa!” he roared back, letting out some pent up aggression.
“Well you don’t need to shout, I can hear you just fine.” Nappa replied calmly, ignorant of the hypocrisy. “Anyway… you wanna go to that planet?”
Vegeta looked outside his space pod and, sure enough, he saw a big blue ball next to them. Now, usually he would pay no mind to it, but since his partner with an I.Q. that would make a rock seem a better partner for debating the meaning of morality pointed it out, he actually looked at it.
“Not this time Nappa,” Vegeta said, “We need to go to Earth so I can-I mean we can get our wish.”
“But it’s a planet, Vegeta…” Nappa replied, pushing his face up against his pod’s window. “A planet…”
“I know Nappa,” Vegeta sighed, dragging his hand down his face yet again. “I’ve blown up a lot of planets.”
“So can we go?”
“No Nappa.” Vegeta replied, “We don’t want to waste any more time.”
“Oh please, Vegeta?” Nappa begged. “I promise I’ll never ask for anything ever again!”
“No Nappa, and that’s FINAL!” Vegeta roared, “Do you even remember the LAST time you decided we should stop at a planet?”
“You blew it up…”
“Exactly…” Vegeta nodded, “Now if you don’t want to risk the lives of all those people on that planet you’ll shut up until we get to earth.”
“Oh,fine Vegeta,” Nappa pouted, folding his arms like a defeated two year old, until a strange sensation began to brew from deep inside him. “Vegeta…”
“What now, Nappa?” Vegeta asked, dragging both his hands down his face.
“I need to use the little Sayian’s room.”
“You literally went to the bathroom ten minutes ago!” Vegeta yelled, nearly making his pod explode.
“I have a child’s bladder, Vegeta,” Nappa replied. “Maybe if you listened to me more often like we talked about, you would know.”
“What was that Nappa?” Vegeta asked. “I wasn’t paying attention to anything you just said.”
A single tear fell out of Nappa’s eye; all those hours spent in team building exercises and sharing feelings seemed to be for nothing.
“I really need to go, Vegeta!” Nappa roared, crossing his legs inside his pod. “And I need to go on that planet specifically.”
“Good god Nappa, if it will shut you up for five goddamn minutes!” Vegeta yelled, slamming his face with his hand so hard that the sound somehow carried through the emptiness of space.
“YAY!” Nappa cheered as the two pods suddenly shifted directions towards the unfortunate planet.
Within moments they landed atop a lone hill in the middle of a field. The two Saiyans exited their pods and were instantly greeted with a beautiful, unblemished landscape. Winds swept gently across the green fields as a plethora of flora and fauna frolicked across the fields. The beauty was truly one of the most astounding things that either of them had ever seen.
“Every second I’m on this planet, I feel the urge to blow it up grow…” Vegeta growled, watching a happy looking butterfly land on a flower right next to him, which he subsequently blew up, making the once calming hill into a steaming crater. “Now I feel MUCH better…”
“Hey, Vegeta, LOOK!” Nappa suddenly said, pointing to a gathering crowd near the newly formed crater. “Locals…”
Vegeta turned his attention to where Nappa was pointing, only to see a crowd or very small pathetic looking horses that matched every color of the rainbow and then some. Each one seemed to be cuter than the last, with their button noses and eyes two or three times the normal size. Some of them even had horns and wings, adding to the space diabetes-inducing creatures that looked to them from afar.
“That’s it.” Vegeta growled as a single white ball suddenly appeared in his hand. “I’m killing everything.”
“But VEGETA!” Nappa pouted, breaking his superior’s concentration and forcing him to cancel his attack.
“What NOW Nappa?!” Vegeta roared in an exasperated sigh.
“They’re… so… CUTE!” Without warning, Nappa darted into the crowd and grabbed one of the assembled ponies, a relatively large, red one to be precise, that looked on in terror as Nappa brought it before Vegeta. “Can I keep him?”
“No Nappa…” Vegeta said folding his arms, “You remember what happened last time?”
“You blew up a planet,” Nappa replied, looking down to the terrified pony before looking back to Vegeta. “That seems to happen a lot, Vegeta.”
“It’s fun, Now, if you don’t want me to do the sam-“
“But Vegeta!” Nappa interrupted holding the pony out.
“What is it now, Nappa?” Vegeta sighed, waiting to hear his moronic partner’s excuse this time.
“They can talk,” he replied, jiggling the pony in front of Vegeta’s face.
Vegeta fell silent for a few seconds, partly because of the fact that there was a pony in his face and partly due to his partner’s idiocy. “Every day without fail, Nappa…” he said, staring blankly into the pony’s eyes, “I am reminded of how stupid you are…”
“But it’s TRUE, Vegeta!” Nappa pleaded, suddenly cradling the red pony in his arms. “Come on my little pony…” he said rocking to gently from side to side. “Talk for your daddy Nappa.”
“It’s a frickin’ horse, Nappa…” Vegeta said rolling his eyes, “It can’t talk.”
“Yes it can!” Nappa replied with conviction, holding the pony out yet again to look into its eyes. “You can talk right?”
“That’s it, Nappa…” Vegeta sighed, once again bringing his hand to his face, “I’ve seen enou-“
An “Eeyup” suddenly came from the red pony’s lips, causing the bald Saiyan to smile in delight, while garnering a completely different reaction from the shortest of the pair.
“HOLY FUCKING SPACE CHRIST!” Vegeta shrieked, nearly tripping over himself. “Did that… PONY… just T-talk…?”
“Eeyup,” it replied, this time looking to Vegeta.
“It just did it again!”
“Hey Vegeta…” Nappa suddenly said, catching the attention of his superior and the pony in his arms.
“What NOW NAPPA?!”
“Told you…”
An awkward silence fell upon them for maybe a few seconds. But it quickly faded due to Nappa’s over-eagerness to break that silence. “So… can I keep him?”
“No…” Vegeta replied sternly, giving Nappa ‘the look’.
“But Vegeta…” Nappa said holding the talking pony up again. “They can talk…”
“I know Nappa… I heard.”
A few seconds later the two noticed something different about the ponies, other than the obvious fact that they were pastel colored and could talk. They seemed to be standing in a line of sorts. Their curiosity peaked, the two decided to step out of the crater Vegeta had made to take a closer look. What they saw was sure enough a line, but what for, they had no idea. However, before a single question could be raised, a very small, pathetic looking lizard creature stopped them.
“So...” it said looking them up and down, “Who are you supposed to be?”
“Who am I?” Vegeta asked with a cocked eyebrow. “I am the great and powerful Vegeta, PRINCE of all Saiyans!”
A light blue pony sporting a cape and horn looked back to Vegeta for a few seconds before smiling inwardly to herself. Whatever that thing was, it said something that, with a few replaced words, may work well for her act.
“Not quite sure I follow…” the lizard replied, scratching his head.
“His name’s Vegeta,” Nappa said bluntly.
“Oh… that makes MUCH more sense,” the lizard said, nodding.
“Alright Nappa, you’ve had your fun, now it’s time to go,” Vegeta said, finally deciding that he had had enough of the multicolored freaks.
“But Vegeta, I want to stay with the ponies…” Nappa said in response, grabbing a yellow one with a pink mane. “Like this one… she’s SO CUTE!”
“Um… can you let me go?” the pony managed to squeak. “If that’s alright with you…”
“If I still had hair I’d pull it ALL out this instant,” Nappa said, squeezing her tighter. “Just because you drive me crazy for being so cute.”
“Ow, um sir, you're squeezing me,” the yellow pony gasped softly, struggling for air. “And uh… it kinda hurts.”
“So… ADORABLE!” Nappa said, finally heading the pleas of his captive and releasing her back into her position in the line.
Now normally, Vegeta would drag Nappa by the tail back to his pod by now. Then when they successfully exited the atmosphere he would’ve blown up the planet and the two would never speak of the incident ever again. But by this point, the question of why these ponies and reptile thing were in a line had wormed its way back into his head. So, instead of committing yet another act of xenocide he turned his attention to the weird lizard thing yet again.
“What are you even in a line for, anyway?” he asked, looking down it to see even stranger beasts in said line.
“We’re auditioning for a show,” the purple lizard replied, waving a sheet of paper in the air.
“A show?” Nappa said with starry eyes. “Oh Vegeta, can I please audition for it? This could be the break I’m looking for!”
“Uh… I don’t think you can be IN this kinda show…” the red pony said, smiling awkwardly.
“Aw, why not?” Nappa pouted.
“Well…” the red pony said looking to his script, “This thing says it only wants ponies.”
“Then what is this runt doing here?” Vegeta asked, pointing to the lizard. “He sure as hell doesn’t look like a tiny horse.”
“They need an assistant…” he said lowering his head. “With hands…”
“Then why don’t they go with that thing?” Vegeta said pointing to a strange creature further back in the line. “That weird bat-lizard-goat-bird thing would probably be better.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to disappoint,” the creature replied, snapping his fingers before disappearing and reappearing before the Saiyans. “I’m actually going for a part that I’ll be REMEMBERED for.”
“Hey!” The little reptile shouted clinching his tiny fists, making the larger being chuckle with delight.
“Oh please, the only way you’d be remembered is if you were in more than one episode.”
Though Vegeta was slightly entertained at the spectacle unfolding, another thing had caught his attention before the two beings could really get into an argument. “I think I’d like an explanation for that freakishly huge mouse in the corner…” he said pointing to the being in question. “It’s starting to freak me out…”
“Oh, ha ha, the name’s Mickey,” the mouse said, shoveling coal into a furnace. “I’m here to make sure the power doesn’t go out during auditions.”
“What kind of power do you things need to run this anyway?” Vegeta asked.
“Why… steam power silly!” Mickey said tossing another load of coal into the furnace.
“Even though he seems small and harmless…” Nappa said, cringing at the sight of the overly happy mouse. “I can’t shake the feeling that he is one of the most evil beings in the entire universe.”
“Oh please… ha ha…” Mickey said with an unusually large grin as he shoveled another load of coal. “I’m just a lowly coal shoveler, pay no mind to me.”
“That doesn’t change the way I feel about him Vegeta,” Nappa whispered into Vegeta’s ear.
“Just don’t look at him, Nappa,” Vegeta said, looking away from the mouse. “It’s better that way.”
“Hey Vegeta, in the script the red one only has two lines the entire time,” Nappa said, thumbing through the document he had somehow acquired.
“Where did you even- oh, never mind…” Vegeta said, rolling his eyes.
“That’s all he’s going to say,” the purple reptile explained, looking at his own papers, “At least I get more lines… at the expense of being the butt of nearly every joke.”
“Oh, so they’re like… his ‘catch phrase’?” Nappa asked, not fully able to comprehend what the lizard was trying to say.
“No Nappa, that’s all he’s literally going to say,” Vegeta sighed.
“Now I know it might not be much…” the red pony said, looking stoically to the sky, “But I do it in hopes that one day my star will shine.”
“Hey red pony…” Nappa said poking the pony in question on the nose. “I don’t think I asked, but what’s your name?”
“I’m Big Macintosh, part of the Apple family.”
“Hey Vegeta,” Nappa said, turning to his counterpart.
“What is it NOW Nappa?” Vegeta grunted, clenching his fists.
“I’m hungry, Vegeta…” Nappa replied, licking his lips.
“For the love of god Nappa, you have the attention span of a freaking gold fish…”
“Red Delicious, Granny Smith… decisions, decisions…” Nappa said rubbing his bald head. “Say Vegeta, which one would YOU pick?”
“I swear to god Nappa I can’t wait until you die…” Vegeta moaned, placing his face into him palm in what has been a far too common occurrence at both this planet and every other one they’ve been to.
Amidst Nappa’s stupidity and Vegeta’s growing annoyance, the large creature that was an ensemble of other beings gave a few quick glances up and down the long line of hopefuls and smiled to himself.
“Well, I hardly doubt that I’ll be getting MY roll…” he said, snapping his fingers to make a cup of tea appear. “I AM the god of chaos after all.”
“I wish I had your confidence, Discord…” the small lizard groaned, “I just hope that I get my part…”
“Oh, don’t fret, Spike,” Discord said, patting the little guy on the back. “I’m sure you’ll get the part.”
“Really?” Spike replied with starry eyes. “You really think so?”
“Of course I do, Spikey…” Discord said, lowering himself to be eye level with him. “After all, you ARE the only one going for the roll.”
“HEY!”
“That’s it Nappa…” Vegeta said, turning back to the crater. “We’re leaving…”
“But Vegeta!” Nappa pleaded, getting on his knees and tugging at Vegeta’s space armor.
“No more ‘buts’ Nappa!” Vegeta roared, breaking free of Nappa’s grasp. “Now say goodbye to the little pony freaks.”
“AWWWW!” Nappa whined before turning to the ponies defeated. “Goodbye ponies. I will remember you forever...” He said, wiping away a tear from his eye. “Our friendship was.... Magic…”
Seconds later Nappa embraced the ponies he had come to know in his brief time on said planet before somberly waving goodbye to them and getting into his space pod.
“Are you in your pod yet Nappa?” Vegeta asked, sitting back in his pod’s chair.
“Yes Vegeta…” Nappa pouted, slumping into his own as the door closed on him.
“Good, no more delays.” Vegeta replied, punching in Earth’s coordinates yet again. “No more delays, time to go to Earth and get my goddamned wish.”
And with that the two spheres that had descended not twenty minutes ago to the peaceful planet below were off into space yet again, leaving a now very confused bunch of creatures in their wake.
“Well they seemed like nice guys, ha ha…” Mickey said still shoveling coal into the furnace.
“You think we’ll ever see them again, Big Mac?” Spike asked, looking to the pony for an answer.
“Ee-nope.” He replied shaking his head, walking back to the line he was once standing in.
Meanwhile, back in space, it was business as usual, except for one minor detail.
“Hey Vegeta…” Nappa said tapping his pod’s window.
“What is it now Nappa?” Vegeta sighed throwing his head back into his seat.
“I think I just wet the pod…” he answered, smiling like a stupid toddler.
“Just… kill yourself…” Vegeta grumbled shaking his head. “Just kill yourself Nappa and spare me the trouble…”
And so ends the story of our two warriors who were off on their utterly boring adventure through the cosmos. Well, until they two arrive on earth and try to make their wish that is.
Author's Note
Good lord what's wrong with me?
