Pipsqueak: The most gentlecoltly anarchist pirate ever

(A/N: I need to leave this story alone to work on my other stuff.....but I JUST. CAN'T DO IT!)

As soon as Celestia dropped off to sleep, Luna bolted upright.

"PIPSQUEAK WAS HERE?!? Why didn't you tell me?!?" She screamed, Celestia, who had been dreaming of chocolate rain, bolted upright.

"YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY MUFFINS! Oh! Luna? What? Why are you screaming?" The bewildered sun goddess looked over to find her sister panicking and on her window sill.

"I've got to see him! It's been too long!" And with that, the moon mistress jumped out into the night. Celestia simply sighed and rolled over in her bed, holding a pillow to her head.

~~~~~~~~

Greetings and assorted salutations! I'll be taking this off the good author's hands for the while as I retell to you my night on the town.

As soon as I jumped back, a thought peculated and formed quickly in the nether regions of my mind. I had no wings, therefore I was not a pegasus, and I had no ivory horn so I was no Unicorn either. I was a mere earth pony. Of course this was common knowledge to me even but when faced with certain death, one tends to forget things.

Luckily! I had my trust magician's hat! Won it off an old gypsy friend of mine! Unluckily the hat has a mind of it's own. Really it was a miracle I pulled out exactly what I wanted. I distinctly remember a time when my crew and I landed in Cape Trot just south of Hooflin Burrow. An old map I had scored at a yard sale had taken me there, of course i'm no simpleton mind you! I verified it's validity with another acquaintance, one in touch with the black market of Equestria. So after that sortie, I raced off in my ship with my merry men and we sailed off!

Unfortunately however, there was another group of scoundrels awaiting us on those sandy beaches. The Black Briar Pirates! What a bunch of no-goods those are! Thieving rats they are! What I would like to do to them- ah! Sorry! So as my men and I fought on that beach, I remember having forgotten my rapier in the Captain's Quarter's aboard my ship! Mind you, this was the first time using the magician's hat.

My gypsy pall had told me "just reach into the hat, and you'll find what you're looking for."

Yeah, I think he meant to say the opposite. Standing there, surrounded by both mares and men in the heat of battle, musket  fire overhead, with my life on the line I pulled out a giant rubber chicken.

Yes, you heard that correctly, a giant chicken.

So surrounded by honed steel and armor that could withstand cannon fire, and with the fear that every step could be my last, I fought alongside my pirates.....WITH A CHICKEN!

Hilariously humiliating experience, but I digress, the Black Briars were laughing so hard they couldn't defend themselves.

Anywho, back to the story! So as I jumped backwards, I reached back into the hat...and pulled out a pogo stick!

"Well it could be worse." I muttered shoving the stick into a better position.

Well you all know that old time weathered saying don't you?

What can go wrong. Will.

~~~~~~

Joe had just closed up business for the night. Sighing, he finished locking up the shop as he strode out, a whistle on his lips. The shop had been doing well, apparently, after that little incident back during the old Gala, when Spike had visited to drown his lonely heart in jelly filing, the population of Canterlot grew intrigued. 'What sorts of goodies could draw one of the higher echelons, those closest to the princess herself into this dingy little shop?' They soon found out, courtesy of mouth watering scents emanating from the shop.

After that well, you know the rest.

He walked for about a block or so before his attention was suddenly drawn to the sky due to a prolonged scream of utter terror.

"CURSE YOU HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT!" Screamed a figure high in the air. Joe squinted as the figure's silhouette was illuminated by the moon.

The silhouette was of a tall gaunt stallion on what appeared to be a....pogo stick? One hoof clutching his hat, one hoof desperately holding onto the infernal contraption for dear life.

The silhouette was there for only a second, in direct line of site for the moon. Then, just as suddenly as he appeared, gravity took it's toll for his little ride and the figure fell, screaming all the way.

Joe chuckled as he continued his walk home from the little spectacle. "Man what a strange town." He muttered, shaking his head. But then again, that's why he liked Canterlot.

~~~~

Blast this infernal buggering contraption of Discord himself! So there I was, plummeting through the air. On a separate note, I know of one Rainbow Maned Mare who would be proud of me, but that's not the point here. The point is i'm about to end up like that one scene in 'the mask!' You know, when Jim Carey jumps out of the building after the land lady shoots him with a couple shotgun bullets.

'Look ma! I'm roadkill!'

That statement was about to become all the clearer for me as I swiftly approached the earth. Luckily however, I noticed that directly below me was a line! A cloth's line to be exact.

"Not much, but it could work!" I shouted, I had to time this just right or else I would be the literal version of 'what would have happened if you weren't wearing the mask'.

As it came closer and closer, I reached out a hoof. And...yes! Score! Gol! I got it! Letting go of the pogostick, I did what any stereotypical pirate would have done.

I swung.

~~~~~~~~~

Sound Wave had been using his magic to hook his clothing onto the line. Grumbling with frustration, he concentrated with utmost focus, he had to hook it just right or else his nice suit would be ruined.

Working as a DJ for the Canterlot 99.5 had it's ups and downs. On the upside, work was pretty cool, the boss didn't care too much for appearance, and for state because often enough, Sound would walk in with a terrible headache as a badge from last night.

The main downside however, was that since 99.5 was popular, the cast had to go to formal events often enough, hence the suit.

"There! Done!" He whipped his brow as the suit finally held on the line. Even though he was an employee of one of the most popular stations this side of Equestria, it really didn't pay well. That means, no modern day luxuries due to crappy tenement. That means no hot water. That in turn means, no washer and dryer.

Oh yeah, old fashioned.

As he turned around, his ears perked, an unfamiliar sound filled the night air.

"What in the name of-"

Sound Wave never got to finish that sentence as a certain pock-marked white stallion flew from out in nowhere, going straight through the cloth's line, and subsequently snagging Sound Wave's only good suit.

"Hey! What the hay!?!" He shouted sticking his head out the window to catch a glimpse of the thief.

"SORRY ABOUT THAT CHAP!" Shouted the thief. Sound Wave cocked and eyebrow, the rascal seemed to be wearing a top hat. And his suit!

"Hey! Give that back thief!" He shouted, the robber however had already swung away.

~~~~~~

Tsk, such a shame that man had to lose his suit. On the other hoof, i'm a pirate! what do I care? Swinging through the night air, the buildings passing swiftly by my sides, I let out a whoop of joy. However unlikely and dire my situation was, I always manage to get something god out of it.

Namely, this suit!

Assuming I had weathered the worst of the worst, I can thoroughly, without doubt say that the next thing I experienced, was like getting run over by a train in broad daylight.

Completely blindsided by life and screaming "WHYYYYY!?!?" In my head.

~~~~~~~~~

Lyra grunted, the stallion underneath her was close, she was too. It had been a rough day, why not unwind with some night time fun? The performance during the annual Canterlot Music Festival which, oddly enough, was around the same time as the Galloping Gala had been a hug success.

Lyra already had 3 studios contact her about a long term contract, a producer who asked for her phone number, and a shady looking stallion ask her if she would like to participate in a porno.

This was not that however, but very close.

"Oh faust...i'm! I'm!"

CRASH!

~~~~~~~

Just for a minute! I closed my eyes for a minute! And before I know it, the line snaps! I'm assuming it must have been at the end of it's rope, no pun intended, since one minute I felt on top of the world, the next, I felt like I was falling.

And I was, well not exactly falling as much as being slingshotted by the trajectory I had taken. Think of the swing of the arch, you got your starting point, the arch, and then the end of the swing which ends the swing.

Now, the line snapped and sent me careening at the end of the swing, the momentum I had achieved acting as a booster to the already prominent force.

Needless to say, I went flying. And straight into a hostel.

"Ohhhhhh." Groaned, after I finished passing out for a minute or so, I awoke. And found myself staring at a couple in the art of lovemaking. They had promptly stopped on account of my unwelcome crash. And they were now staring at me. Of course they were in a provocative position, so I could see exactly...what...was....going....into...where. You get the picture.

We sat there for a minute or so before I cleared my throat. "Ahem.....good eve...ma'am...gentleman." And with a pokerface befit of stone, I tipped my hat and walked out the opposite window, the unbroken one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lyra stared at the colt with the tophat as he tipped his hat at them, his eyes huge and unmoving. "Good eve....ma'am...gentleman." And he jumped out the window, shattering the second one as well.

Suddenly she felt a warm, gooey, slimey sensation between her legs. Looking down in horror, she stared right into the face of the stallion.

".....You didn't."

"......"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After plummeting half a storey, I smashed face first into the cold cobblestone below. "Owwwwww." I muttered picking myself up and dusting myself off.

"Well lookey what we have here boys! Another lost traveler! Let's help him!" I turned around with a sigh.

I expected a couple teenagers, what I used to be, skulking around in the backalleys reveling in the fake feeling of danger and mystique engrained into our brains by movies and T.V shows about that sort of life.

I did not however, expect 7 fully grown stallions, bigger then myself by abut 2 or so inches and with knives and guns. Make no mistake, these were murders.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey boss! Check that one!"

"Yeah. I see him. Looks like a poor pony. Ah well, it's been a slow night. You all know the drill. Get to it!"

"Yes sir!"

Me n' the boys surrounded this one earth guy. Now, we don normally go after da poor, but taday was slow and we needed something for tha don er else our hides was gonna get tanned good. So we surrounded the poor moron and threatened him.

Bad mistake, if i'd have known he was dat crazy I wouldn't have given him the time of day! That one was a nutjob! Started tryin ta make deals with Fabio n' Carlos! Sayin' somethin' about payin em off with deluxe tacos n' gold. 'Course me n' the boy didn't buy it. And we kept on asking him for his wallet n' his keys, the usual deal.

So the loon reaches into his hat and pulls out a big old hat proppler! Ya know! the one dat looks like  baseball cap widout the  long thing in the front and the rotor blades on the top? Yea it looked something like that. So he tried running away with that thing on his head! Soz naturally we go after em!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It appeared as if common sense didn't work with these ruffians. Some ponies! Geez! So I did what any normal law abiding- Celestia fearing citizen under her Royal Majesty's watch did. I screamed "LOOK! IT'S A UNICORN RIDIGN AN ALLIGATOR!" And as soon as they turned, I ran as if the devil himself were chasing me. And to be truly honest, that's not entirely a lie either.

Ah! But spoiler spoiler! That's a story for another time.

Going back here, I sprinted through the grand bazaar section of Canterlot, all around me, merchants shouting their wares as the night time bazaar, going strong in the middle of the night, hummed with activity.

"Get em boys!" I heard the shout from behind me, really it only served to quicken my  pace however as I barreled through a stall. After going through and disturbing a next of chickens, I cam across the other side, a turban on my head and a mask befit for a Harem mare on my face, as well as the whole get up mind you.

After coming out on the other side, a chicken flew in my path as I set off, trying desperately to get rid of my pursuers, that however didn't happen.

One of the greasy alley cats had swung around to the back, I ran into him going full tilt.

"Boss! Boss! I found him!" He shouted, quickly however, I silenced him with a punch to the jaw, quickly silencing him.

"Good work Carlos!" I heard the reply. Oh crimey! They were close! Oh boy! I need a disguise!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me n' the rest of da guys came around da back after Carlos hollored. We found the guy layin on the floor with one of dem Harem Prostitute girls on em.

"Oh? More of you? I was just showing this gentleman a good time." She was beauty that one, slender frame and nice curves, couldn't see her face though, she had one of them face masks on.

"Well ain't you the prettiest thing? Mind showin' the rest of us a good time too?" I heard Fabio from behind me. Rotten guido tryin to take my girl!

"Hey! Watch it! I saw her first!" I shouted tryin to shove the little grunt offa my prey. He just socked me! Da nerve!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

However humiliating this disguise was, it worked! And rather brilliantly if I must say. The buffoons began arguing almost instantly! Amazing what some stallions will do when depraved for too long. Soon they began fighting and I just watched, throwing in the random quip once in a while to egg them on.

"Oh! You don't have to fight over me! There's plenty to go around!"

And

"Oh my what strong hooves you all have!"

The sort. Unfortunately however, during the scuffle, one of them was thrown my way, and landed on me, throwing the veil and turban off, revealing me!

"Hey! Wait a minute! It's you!" Shouted the ringleader pointing right at me. The others stood close and began squinting.

"Hey! It is him!" Shouted another, by this time I began sweating bullets.

"Well um...as much as I've enjoyed your company...It's about time I was off! Tata!" I shouted, and with that, I leapt up and resumed my run. They resumed their chase.

After another half an hour of running,  I soon found myself a the waterfront! Yes! The ship was still there!

"HOOOOOY! YOU LAZY LOT! WAKE UP AND HELP YOUR CAPTAIN OUT WHY DON'T YA?!?" I shouted, I was tired from all the running and it was beginning to show, I heard the staccato beats of my pursuers grow louder as they closed the distance.

Suddenly I heard the roar of my crewman as they sprang to life. leaping from the roofs of buildings, they descended upon the unwary heathens and soon took them out.

"Well it's about time Cap'n!"

"Where were you?"

"Where you getting lucky?" I was bombareded by these questions as I dragged my poor tired body back to the ship. My prized ship, the Foalhood Dream.

As soon as I reached the gangplank, the crew stepped to the side, revealing my right hoof man, or in this case, mare.

"Enjoyed your night on the town cap'n?" Asked Scootaloo as she helped me aboard the ship, snickering slightly at my outfit.

I snorted with a smirk and handed her my hat. "You have no idea sister." And with that, I made my way below decks for a goodnight's sleep.

But before I did however, I made one announcement.

"LISTEN UP MARES AND STALLIONS! WE'RE SAILING FOR GRYPHONIA NEXT!" And with the roaring of my crew christening me, I set sail on the ocean of dreams.

(A/N: Hope your happy, this took me all day to write!)