Pipsqueak: The most gentlecoltly anarchist pirate ever

Aboard The Foalhood Dream

Everyone rushed to starport as the massive Sky Snake exploded.

"That was awesome! Boss never told us he could do that!" Squealed one of the newer recruits. Scootaloo shuddered, turning the steering wheel to the left and subsequently, back into the cloud covering.

Just then, Applebloom came up from the below decks. Her welding googles sitting on top of her sweaty and sooty forehead.

Often had she been called "Mad Mare" Bloom by those who (personally) knew her. For at times, she could be as intelligent and genius, as loony bin insane.

"Oy! Cap! I finished adding the modifications onto tha-"

She stared at Scootaloo for the longest time with an utterly blank face.

The crew also turned to face the two stalemating mares.

"........Why is Scootaloo steering?" Asked Bloom cautiously.

There was a long silence.

"AW SHEET. WE ALL GON DIE."

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"Well well well, what have we here?" Mused the old king. King Goldenheight. A massive male griffon who had more fat than skin cells. True to his name, he wore all gold armor and chain-mail. And most likely golden clothing in his free time.

Right now however, he sat on his gilded throne. Again, one made for a....lesser griffon. And by lesser I mean one that couldn't be attached to a crane and used as a wrecking ball.

But I digress. Our protagonist knelt there, forced to his knees by two surly griffon guards using neck collars to leash him.

"Well you have Equestria's number one criminal firebrand. Sir Pipsqueak!" He chimed, doing his best to puff his chest in pride.

Suddenly the king drew a hard look filled with hatred, his eyes seemingly glazing over.

"You don't deserve the title runt. You are no more a knight than a thief is a gentleman." The king walked over and slapped him.

"Sire?" Asked one of the guards.

"Take him to the Barrow's End Tower. Let him pay penitence there." The king turned away, unbeknownst to him, Pipsqueak smiled sadly.

"And what makes you think I haven't?"

The king stopped, and so did the guards, halfway between dragging Pipsqueak to his feet.

As if by colossal luck or change. The 5 heard something akin to a dying whale.... if it was the size of Babylon.

"What in ye gods name is that?" Asked one of the guards rushing over to a window and opening it.

There, not 350 feet above the ground was the Foalhood Dream.

Flying through the air

upside down

and with the tail-end going forward.

The king and remaining guard rushed forward to observe, jaws agape.

Pipsqueak calmly walked over and stood behind them, both leashed still on his neck.

"Have I told you about my crew yet?"

=============

"Awright! Father Albert! Flip this thing around! Aw Celestia dammit! Somepony get that big orange chicken away from the wheel!" Screamed "mad mare" Applebloom hanging onto the main mast for dear life. Their traveling mechanic; the southern styled mare was as crazy as she was brilliant, the sole planner of the Foalhood Dream, Pipsqueak merely gave her the task ,and she did the rest. With manual labor of course.

"Roger!" Shouted the jet black and curly maned stallion, making his way to the side of the ship.

He took a deep breath and-

The two guards shrieked like little girls as a massive plume of flame erupted from the deck-side, miraculously forcing the ship to do a barrel roll and correct itself. Now it was going just going backwards.

"Ah, I see they used Father Alberts. A vilified ex-pastor who studied under a cult off-shoot of the good church of Celestia. He was one of many who partook in the "Phoenix Experiment". Pipsqueak stated, casually buffing a hoof on his chest.

"The Phoenix Experiment? Wha' in bludy hell iz at?" Asked one of the two guards, his remarkably thick accent skewing and distorting his words.

Pipsqueak smiled viciously.

"During the Golden Flame Wars, for all the readers, that was the war between Dragons and Ponies some oh, five hundred years ago? Well, Princess Celestia sanctioned a little experiment. Said experiment was to infuse the power of the dragon with a fetus." Began Pipsqueak, somehow freeing himself from the guards.

"Oy! Wait!....Who the 'ell are the 'readers'?" Asked the taller of the two guards.

"Oh! Don't mind them. MOVING ON! While the experiment was a success, the foals were subjected to brutal physical and mental training to prepare them for war. In the program there were approximately two hundred foals. twenty of them died during preparations, one hundred died during the actual war itself, they helped turn the tide at the battle of Reginald Down. Ah I remember that..." He zoned out for a few minutes, his eyes glazing over.

"What? What happened to the rest of them?!" Screamed the king, riveted by his tale.

"Ah! So sorry about that. Anyways, continuing where we left off from! The remaining 80 were hunted throughout Equestria on account of them being either A: Psychotic and deranged due to PTSD or B: Too dangerous. As a result of the persecutions, sixty of those poor soldiers died by the hooves of their kinsman. The remaining twenty went underground, never to be seen or heard from again."

Another great plume of fire erupted from the ship's front, spinning it right round until it faced forward once again.

"That is, until now." He smiled merrily.

"Wait a minute, that still doesn't explain how he studied under the same cult that did that to him!" Shouted the king.

"Oh my dear liege, that is a story for another time." Chirped Pipsqueak sauntering off.

================================

"ALRIGHT! Finally got this hulking tin-can upright!" Muttered Bloom as she whipped sweat off her brow and took the steering wheel in hoof.

"Genie! Lower the main sails! Iron Hide! Head down into the engine room and make sure our power-source is still working! The rest of ya scoundrels!....I dunno, go do what you do best." She finished lack-lusterdly.

"Anyways! FORWAAAAAAAAAAR-" she screamed, until she saw the battalion of all griffins. There was at least five hundred of them all around the towering castle like structure ahead of them. Their black masses almost blotted out the sun as they sat in solemn silence, the only sound the flapping of wings.

"Oh me mother."

============================================

The king sneered as Pipsqueak began walking away. "Oh? Is that so? Well that's all well and good, but consider this: there is a garrison not two miles from Highclaw. And take into account, THAT garrison is filled with some of the best, and most decorated griffins within the whole of our army." And as a side note: the griffon army was MASSIVE.

"So, please tell me, how do you intend to get both your crew, and yourself, out of my country in one piece?" He spoke with as if he was taunting an already beaten and bloodied foe.

Pipsqueak in turn, gave him a massive smile.

"It seems my dear king, you are direly underestimating my crew." His grin expanded as his eyes glinted with pure mischief.

"ALL HOOVES! ABANDON SHIP!" Applebloom's voice shot through through from the outside. Instantly destroying Pipsqueak's bravado.

"BECAUSE IF YER ON THIS HUNK OF PISS AND GLUE BY THE TIME AH'M DONE COUNTIN' DOWN, AH'LL BLAST YA INTO THIN GRUEEL."

The two guards looked at each other with confusion. The king raised his eyebrow, and Pipsqueak turned pale.

"Oh gods please don't tell me she's going to-"

Pipsqueak ran over to the window and stared up. a small trail of black told him of his crew's evacuation.

"AH'LL GIVE YA LILLY LIVERED EVOLUTIONARY EXCUSES FOR POULTRY TEN SECONDS TO GROUND YER ASSES BEFORE I WHIP OUT MY COLD CALZONE!" She shouted at the top of her lungs.

Pipsqueak's jaw dropped as he ran up to the king and jumped into his claws.

"Hold me, please. Because it's about to become really ugly relatively soon.

The king dropped Pipsqueak with a simple flick of his wrists. He just couldn't make sense of the captain's irrational fears, especially of a rather frigid Italian cuisine.

"The cold calzone?" He asked with a mixture mainly comprised of disbelief, disdain, and curiosity.

The captain looked up at him, with the fear of the gods in his eyes. As if he had gazed into the pits of tartarus himself.

"The cold calzone." He responded simply.

And in the few seconds the king stared incredulously at the smaller criminal, the world blew up.

....Into cheese.