Chapter 11- How You Like Me Now?

So this little guard was just awestruck at the stories, I covered more of the wars with her than I did with the princesses. She especially enjoyed the part about the Renaissance, which I do need to admit is my favorite part of history until the 20th century.

All the little political maneuvering and scheming is like whipped cream and a cherry on top of an already delectable sundae of military arms, armor, and tactics. I remember getting to do some historical fencing in some of my free time during my freshman year of university. I particularly enjoyed the halberd the most.

She was particularly amused at how cavalry was integral to human history. I figured she might have taken offense to that, being we rode them into battle. But to put it in her words:

“Holy bucking shit! Offense?! Hay no! That’s bucking amazing! Whole formations of cavalry charging into battle, slamming into the enemies lines like a tidal wave? That’s the coolest shit ever!”

And her little display was amusing too; the little pegasus literally flew out of her seat. If only Terrans had this level of interest in our own history.

During the lecturing I was also fidgeting with my helmet to see if it still worked. Much to my happiness, it did. It still had a glorious amount of battery life left. How humans figured out how to make some of the shit they did amazed me.

“These ultra-advanced helmets were the neatest pieces of shit the Army has ever issued me.” I said as I flipped it on. “And the bitch still works like a champ.”

“What’s so special about it?” May Weather asked as she flapped over and sat down beside me as I fidgeted with it and put it on my head.

“Well, besides giving me access to the BATTLENET and BLUFORCE, it helps me aim my weapons, helps me see, helps me hear, keeps what’s left of my brains safe, and it acts as a personal computer.”

“Okay…. So…. All those words that made no sense to me, what do they mean?” She asked as she scratched her nape with a hoof.

“Like BATTLENET, BLUFORCE, and computer?” I inquired as I cocked an eyebrow.

“Yeah, those.”

“Well BATTLENET is a program that allows me to instantaneously sift through intelligence and the flow of battle, like if a company near me is having to retreat or needs reinforcements. So it’s incredibly useful to commanders.
“BLUFORCE is a heads up display showing me the location of friendly troops within 300 meters and it tags enemy troops, which highlights their locations making it easier for me to see them. But it also allows any friendly troops within 300 meters of me to see the outlines of the enemy as well. So we love BLUFORCE, it has saved my ass plenty of times.
“And the personal computer…” I scratched the back of my head trying to think of a way to describe it. This is difficult, like explaining how awesome sex is to a virgin. The damnable things have become so ingrained in Terrans that it’s stupefying at how difficult describing them is.

Holy shit.

“Well, they are small devices that do many things, like play music, let me talk to people over long distances, watch movies, play games… stuff… you know…”

Her eyes just glazed over. So I did some thinking. ‘Play music’ came up in that description.

“You know what? Hold on.” I said, as I scrolled through the UI with my eyes searching for my music. After I found my unholy collection of music, I set it to play through the external speakers in shuffle.

And as the music began to emanate from the helmet, I took it off to listen to it.

The first song was a contemporary rock song from a band named “Der Banshees.” It was good, but it was still rather generic. The greatest era of rock was from the 1960’s to about the 2040’s. I’m as happy as a fat kid in a candy store that humanity kept astounding digital records of literally everything.

My helmet has close to a terabyte of music on it. This isn’t much in comparison to how much memory it can hold, which is twenty terabytes.

I looked over at my little furry friend. Her eyes were glazed over and she was staring agape at the helmet sitting on the coffee table.

“Uh… you okay there?” I asked as I cautiously poked her, which snapped her attention to me.

“I thought you said your species lacked magic?!”

“We do, any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. And I really need to remember who the fuck said that.” I answered as one [url= https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxHkLdQy5f0]Tchaikovsky’s mellower compositions started up after the rock song finally ended. “Anyways, how do ya like our music so far?”

“Those last songs made me want to fly as fast as I could, and this one makes me want to just close my eyes and sway with it.”

After that song was coming to a close I decided to mix it up with what some music aficionados declare as one of the greatest lyricists of all time, “Betty, play [url= https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbGs_qK2PQA]Rap God by Eminem.”

And thus began the rap. I don’t agree that he was the greatest at lyrics, but some of his works are pretty good, especially the funny ones. But I digress…

“Terran music is weird. But I love it!” She exclaimed. Then she suddenly she turned towards me and put her front hooves in my lap and got right in my face, which I surprisingly jerked my head back as she thrust her face into near proximity with mine before asking, “Is there a way we can get all of it?”

Her eyes twinkling were adorable, as was that cheesy grin.

“Do y’all even have a way to play recorded music?” I asked with curiosity. If their marshal technology is anything to go by, they probably don’t.

“We have phonographs.”

Punkt genommen, klienes pony. Punkt genommen.

“I suppose we can arrange something then. This helmet contains over 20,000 songs though.”

Her face was priceless.

Then she realized how close our faces were. “Oh…. Um… uh… “ she sputtered out as she hopped off my lap, “I’m sorry… I didn’t realize I may have crossed a line. I’m… I’m not sure how your culture takes proximity.”

“Depends on which Terran culture you’re talking about.” I replied. These ponies are adorable when flustered. I’ll have to fluster more for maximum ‘D’awwww’ sometime later. “Some cultures regard personal space almost religiously and take great offense to others even being near them. Others are incredibly touchy feely.”

“What about yours?” she asked, cocking her head to the side and picking up a front hoof.

“Well, kinda in between. We generally don’t touch strangers, but we do hug and embrace friends and family. And close proximity ain’t usually an issue.
“Besides, I joined the Army; they kinda cram us all together into small areas all the time, so personal bubbles were discarded pretty quick.” I said as I stood up and stretched. “I still remember the first shower in Basic Training. It was a tiny room with shower heads lining the walls for up to twenty trainees at a time. Being that close to that many naked dudes kinda did away with the whole issue.”
I got up to find the bathroom. I haven’t eaten in a week. It also means I haven’t pooped in a week.
“What are you looking for?” May Weather asked.
“I gotta drop the kids off at the pool.” I said.
“You need to do what?”
“I have to use the little boy’s room.”
“It’s in the main bedroom!” She yelled from the main living room, so I promptly ran towards the bathroom and slammed the door behind me.

After taking care of business I stepped out, “I feel like I’m ten kilos lighter.”

“What are kilos?” she looked up at me and asked.

Fuck. Why am I not surprised?

“They’re a measurement of weight. What do you use?”

“Oh, we use pounds!” She said with some chipper. “Do you use pounds as well?”

I just looked at her for a moment, thinking about all the shit I’m going to have to convert. I sighed, “Yeah, there are still a few places that use the imperial system, but most of the places use the metric system.”

“What’s the metric system?”

“Instead of like the old imperial system where there are sixteen ounce to a pound, twelve inches to a foot, or three feet to a yard…”

“We use hooves instead of feet.” She interrupted as she held up a hoof. “I’ll shut up now.” She chuckled as I gave her the eyebrow.

“As I was saying, instead of random numbers like that. It uses powers of ten. So there are a hundred centimeters to a meter, a thousand meters to a kilometer, a thousand milliliters to a liter and so on.

“Some things still use the imperial system like cooking, so I am familiar with conversion rates. We just don’t use them all that often. So ten kilos would be like 22 pounds, give or take a few ounces.”

“What about distances?” She asked. Damn, these ponies are curious enough to give Kruzans a run for their money. Fucking felines, the few Kruzans I met were just sapient, two meter tall bipedal house cats. A furry’s wet dream.

I shuddered at the thought of that one Kruzan female literally rubbing herself all over me like our household cat used to do. Anyways, back to May’s question. “Well a yard is more or less a meter. It’s like a three inch difference. So if I use meter, just think yard. Kay?”

“Yeah, that’s not hard.”

I walked over to my ruck and grabbed some fresh skivvies. I saw the huge shower tub combo in that bathroom. I was about to take an amazing shower. That sponge bath earlier was nice, but this shower was going to be bomb.

May walked over and asked, “What’cha going to do?”

As I was beginning to strip down, I replied, “I’m about to take the shower of showers. Why?”

“Well, I’m also supposed to keep tabs on you to make sure you don’t do anything fishy. I’m also not supposed to let you leave the suite.” She looked down and kicked a hoof at the floor. “I probably wasn’t supposed to tell you that either.”

I chuckled at her OPSEC slip up. “I had that figured out when you said you were my personal guard. Don’t be hard on yourself kiddo. Your idiot CO should’ve known better than put a new kid on the job, he set you up for failure.”

She kind of looked a bit better after hearing that. “Well, I still have my orders.” She beamed at she puffed her chest out and marched over to the couch and sat down with her chin still up proudly. Adorable, she reminds me of my kid sister.

My little sister, that thought hit me in the feels as my smile quickly faded and shoulders sagged. I robotically turned on the water and finished stripping down.

The shower was far less enjoyable.

After a quick shower, I stepped out to dry off and threw on my clean skivvies and grabbed my uniform trousers. I stepped into the main bedroom and put my boots at the side of the bed and positioned my trousers in such a way that if I needed to, I could wake up, slip my feet into my boots and pull up my pants. That way I could have footwear and pants on in a matter of seconds.

I took the revolver, holster, and pistol belt and draped it over one of the corners to the headboard so I could get to my sidearm quickly. “Hey, May Weather? You still awake? You’re oddly quiet…” I called out.

Not hearing a reply, I poked my head out the door into the main living room. The little tan Pegasus was zonked on the couch. So I walked over to her and poked her, “Hey, knucklehead, go get you some sleep.”

She groggily woke up, “Huh? Oh… I’m supposed to stay with you at all hours of the day. Captain’s orders.”

“When and where the fuck are you supposed to sleep?” I asked, concluding that their officers were even bigger fuckwits than Terran Army officers. I was actually pissed, because as an NCO it’s my job to take care of my soldiers, so I always hated it when some dickfuck LT came snooping around fucking with MY soldiers.

“I-I’m not sure.” She said sadly, looking around.

“What about one of the other suites? They connect to the main foyer. I mean, you’d only be on the other side of the hallway.” I replied.

“He said specifically not to even leave the room you’re in. Even if you go to take a shower I’m supposed to be in the bathroom watching you.” She said sheepishly, a mixture of the thought of her already messing that order up and then being in the room with a naked alien.

“Oh really.” I dead panned.

Yup, Sally Mae is one of ‘those’ officers.

I’m going to enjoy fucking with his shit.

“I got an idea.” I said as I walked across the foyer with her in tow.

“What are you doing?” She asked as she sat back on her haunches.

“Just sit there and watch, this is what real leaders do for their soldiers.” I replied as I pulled the mattress off one of the other beds and began to drag it back across to my bedroom, pillows, blankets, sheets, and all.

Once I had it positioned in a way that would obstruct access to either the bathroom or the exit, I was happy and turned to her and pointed at the mattress and asked, “How you like me now?”

She didn’t answer. She just smiled and hugged my chest. Which kind of tickled my bare chest.

So I tousled her mane and said, “Now get yo ass in bed, I’m tired as fuck. How much you weigh by the way? You’re like super fucking light.”

She blushed, “Well, I actually weigh close to a hundred pounds, but pegasi have an internal magic that makes us feel half as light to make flight easier.”

She pried her armor off as it made a loud clank on the stone floor, and she looked relieved.

“So… May… y’all don’t have electricity, so how are these lights lit?” I asked as I stared at the chandelier. “It looks like they’re candles, but there ain’t no wax and they been burning all night.”
She giggled and replied, “They’re magic flames, just blow at them and they’ll go out.”

“Fucking magic...” I muttered as I blew out the ‘flames.’

I laid down in bed and shimmied between the sheets and reached out to ensure I could reach my revolver in case shit had to go down.

“Hey, SGT?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Author's Note

Surprise chapter!

Totally not planned.

At all.

I just kinda went with it. I was originally going to glaze the evening over with a few paragraphs and have it continue to the next day with the usual Steiner/Princess/Mane 6 interactions.

But I kinda like May Weather. I think she'd be a good anchor point for him. So I made this chapter for her.

What do y'all think? Should I keep her around and flesh her out instead of having her as a passing side character?