The Rarest of Them All

Chapter 17

Rarity’s Home, Ponyville

The new couple’s trip had gone far better than either of them could have expected. It had been a relaxing, rejuvenating, and…passionate four days. But, like all good things, it had to eventually come to an end. As Rarity pulled up to the curb next to her home, she allowed herself a wistful sigh. Upon hearing this, Spike looked over at his lover with concern.

“What’s wrong, Rarity?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just a bit sad that we’re back so soon. I already miss those wonderful hot spring baths…”

Spike rubbed his neck. “Well it’s not like you can’t take a bath at home, right?”

“I suppose so. But it’s just not the same! Think of all those minerals, Spike.”

“What’s so special about a bunch of minerals?”

Rarity grabbed his collar. “YOU. DID. NOT. JUST. SAY. THAT!”

“I uhh…sorry?”

“Not to worry, darling. I shall forgive your ignorance this time. You are a man, after all. The collection of minerals found in hot springs helps to fortify your skin’s complexion. That’s why mine is so shiny today!”

“Oh, well that’s good.”

Rarity nodded. “Indeed it is. Now that you’ve had your dermatology lesson for the day, would you mind carrying our luggage inside while I start preparing lunch?”

“Sure. What’re you gonna make?”

“How’s chicken club sandwiches sound?”

Spike licked his lips. “I’m sure whatever you make will be fine. But umm…what exactly is a club sandwich?”

“How do you not—oh right, another dimension. Sorry darling, I keep forgetting. Club sandwiches generally contain lettuce, tomatoes, bacon, and some form of poultry.”

“You know, I thought eating meat would be weird. But…I actually like it. A lot. Especially that bacon stuff. I don’t know how I ever went without it in Equestria.”

Rarity clapped her hands. “Then I’m certain you shall enjoy these. Just remember not to strain yourself too hard. I don’t want to have to take you to the hospital for any sprained muscles.”

“Right. I’ll see you in about ten minutes.”

Unsurprisingly, Spike’s luggage was rather sparse. All he took with him was a small carry on with the bare minimum of clothes and toiletries needed for a few days. Rarity, on the hand, had brought a full suitcase that weighed at least thirty pounds. Erring on the side of caution, the fashionista decided that she needed at least ten outfits for what only amounted to a three night stay.

As Spike lugged the suitcase to Rarity’s room, he contemplated the irony of the situation. It wasn’t so much that the abundance of clothing was out character for her, but more the fact that neither of them really wore much of anything a majority of their stay. The two of them found it bothersome to even don a bathrobe and only did so when they occasionally ventured outside of their room. Why you ask? The answer is really quite simple: As young lovers are wont to do, they copulated frequently over the course of their four day excursion.

After their first time in the actual hot springs, Rarity and Spike agreed that it was best not to do so again. It was mostly because they felt guilty for making such a mess for some poor employee (mostly likely Coco) to clean up. Instead, they decided to concentrate all of their love-making inside of the room.

That isn’t to say that they didn’t make an absolute mess of the room itself. They most certainly did. There had even come a point, on the third day, where they just lounged around naked and lazily made love all day long. They still bathed of course, but Spike was certain that the entire room probably reeked of sweat and sex and would need a thorough cleansing before it was fit for human habitation once more.

Once again, Spike found himself questioning his new mammalian physiology. What is it with these humans? Do they have a freaking twenty four hour heat cycle or something? I barely start thinking about how soft Rarity’s skin is and how good she smells….and how incredibly warm it feels inside her—OH CRAP! NOT AGAIN!

The familiar, if somewhat awkward, sensation of blood rushing to his extremities was too much for Spike to bear. He really didn’t want to deal with this right now. When he was still a dragon, he most certainly got erections but they were rare and relatively easy to get rid of. But that was back when he was dealing with pseudo-reptilian hormones.

Now, he was a squishy monkey creature that had the sex drive of a bunny rabbit during late spring. And boy did his penis like to remind him of it! Early on, he had noticed that erections were far easier to deal with when you weren’t wearing anything. That was simply due to the fact that it had room to expand. But with pants on, it was an entirely different story.

Spike groaned in frustration. There was no way in Tartarus that the now very noticeable bulge in his pants was going to go away anytime soon. Especially considering that every time he walked, his crotch rubbed against the fabric of his (incredibly silky as picked out by Rarity) undergarments. After tugging his shirt over his waist in a pathetic attempt to conceal his boner, he awkwardly hobbled into the kitchen where Rarity was busy pouring iced tea into some glasses.

“How’s lunch coming along?”

Rarity cocked her eyebrow. “Swimmingly! All I need to do now is—Spike, why are you standing like that?”

“Uhh…no reason. Just comfortable I guess.”

“Darling, there is no way that is comfortable unless you were born a hunchback. Stand up properly or you’ll start getting back pain.”

“That’s ok, I’m good.”

Rarity put her hands on her hips. “You are most certainly not good! I will not have you ruin your posture. It isn’t healthy.”

“Fine…”

Slowly, and with as much dignity as he could muster, Spike stood a bit straighter in both senses of the word. Upon seeing the bulge in his pants, Rarity blushed lightly and played with a lock of her hair.

“My apologies Spike. I didn’t realize you had an erection. Would you perhaps…like me to help you get rid of it?”

“I couldn’t possibly ask you to. We’re just about to eat lunch!”

Rarity bit her lip. “I’m well aware of that. However, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I let poor Spikey-Wikey suffer in his textile prison?”

“Ugghh…Rarity, do you have to call it that?”

“Every sword of note deserves a name, darling. Even those made of flesh.”

Spike blushed. “A-alright. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want you to. But I still wanna eat lunch.”

“Not to worry, our lunch isn’t going anywhere. But I know exactly what my appetizer is going to be~”

Like always, Rarity was swift in undoing Spike’s pants. And just as she began to suck on his length, the both of them froze in place when they heard the refrigerator door open. Across the room, stood a teenage girl with curly locks of purple and pink hair, holding a can of soda. What made this encounter so unusual was that Rarity hadn’t been expecting any further company this week and…the fact that the only thing the girl was currently wearing was a gaming headset.

Rarity’s eyes widened. “Swmmmhm?”

“Uhh…surprise?”

Upon realizing her sordid state of affairs, Rarity withdrew herself from “Spikey-Wikey” as gently as she could and zipped up Spike’s pants with practiced ease. Since he was just as shocked, Spike practically forgot about his boner and gawked at the nude teenage girl with a growing blush on his face. After what seemed like an eternity of awkward silence, Rarity cleared her throat.

“My dear sister…WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”

Sweetie grinned sheepishly. “I thought Mom and Dad told you I was staying here for a week. I guess they didn’t?”

“Obviously not! And for heaven’s sake, please put some clothes on. There is a male in the house and your nudity is just going to make things even more awkward.”

“Not as awkward as seeing you sucking on his weenie like a popsicle.”

Rarity’s face flushed. “T-that’s none of your concern! Spike and I are grown adults. Now, go put some clothes on!”

“Oh come on, Rarity! I’m pretty sure your boyfriend has already seen you naked before, so what’s the big deal if he sees me that way?”

Rarity ground her teeth. “Just because Mother and Father tolerate that sort of…lifestyle, does not mean that I am comfortable having a teenage girl frolicking about in the nude within my abode. If you live in my home, you live by my rules!”

“Fine. I’ll throw on a dress. But just so you know, I’m not wearing any underwear.”

Rarity sighed. “Very well, just so long as you conduct yourself like a proper lady. That means I don’t want you sitting around with your legs wide open, privates on full display.”

Rather than respond directly, Sweetie stormed off in a huff grumbling about how her sister was a hypocritical prude. Meanwhile, Spike did his level best to calm down and think of something meaningful to say. But as in most cases, during times of duress, the mouth often moves before the brain has a chance to stop it.

“Is it unusual that your sister is so…mature looking?”

Rarity punched his arm. “I can’t believe you were ogling my sister. MY BABY SISTER!”

“I wasn’t trying to. Honest! It’s just kind of hard not to look when she’s literally right in front of me.”

“Well, I suppose so. And to answer your question: Sweetie takes after my mother, which means that puberty hit her like a heavy weight boxer on steroids. It actually makes me somewhat jealous. I didn’t really start filling out until I was seventeen.”

“Hey, don’t talk like that. You’re absolutely beautiful in your own right. You shouldn’t try to compare yourself to others. Rarity is Rarity. And that’s just how I like it.”

Rarity gently kissed him on the lips. “I’d say you just won yourself some major brownie points, darling. It almost makes up for the stupid question you asked earlier.”

“So…you aren’t mad anymore?”

“I guess not. Although, I admit that I may have overacted a bit. I’m sorry; it was because I was stressed out and angry at my parents for not telling me about Sweetie’s visit.”

Spike twiddled his fingers. “I’m sorry for staring at your sister. I know that didn’t exactly help.”

“It’s quite alright. I mean, I understand that men can’t help staring at other women, especially if they’re naked. But it’s just that she’s only fourteen! And it scares me to death thinking about what would happen if she invited a boy her age over to ‘hang-out’ with.”

“Why’s that?”

Rarity rubbed her temples. “Much like my parents, she doesn’t really care if other people see her naked. And I can assure you that the vast majority of boys her age wouldn’t be able to… resist taking advantage of her attitude, as it were.”

“Just so we’re clear: by ‘taking advantage’ you mean...what exactly?”

Rarity shook her head. “I swear you can be so naive sometimes. They would try to have sex with her, Spike. Not like the kind we had, but forcing it upon her without consent.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s not good. Is it because of these weird human hormones that they think about those kinds of things? Because I can’t seem to stop thinking about it either…”

“What you have to understand is that teenagers have much higher concentrations than adults because they’re still growing. That makes it harder for them to resist their baser…urges. But yes, you do indeed have the same hormones running through your veins, just not in the same concentration. Don’t worry, it is completely normal.”

“Wow. I’m impressed. How did you learn about all that stuff?”

Rarity waved her hand. “I’m an avid reader, nothing more complex than that. But it never hurts to learn about how one’s body functions.”

With little else left to be said on the subject, Spike gave Rarity a quick hug and went about eating his long overdue lunch. As the fashionista began to eat her own sandwich, she pondered all of things she would need to shop for due to her sister’s surprise visit. But all of that would be taken care of in due time. All she wanted to do now was finish her lunch, curl up on the couch, and read a good book.

Physics Lab, Canterlot University

The halls of Canterlot University were mostly deserted, due to it being the middle of the summer holiday for students. However, some of the staff still found the motivation to come in to work despite this time of year being a holiday for them as well. One such staff member sat on his pleather office chair and stroked his thin lavender beard in contemplation, while he viewed various charts on a computer screen.

A few months ago, there had been a strange spike of energy originating from Ponyville and no one seemed to be able to explain what exactly it was. As head of the Physics Department, Dr. Shine was responsible for investigating any strange energetic phenomenon no matter how inconsequential it may be. And how strange it was!

It was unlike any type of energy he’d seen before. The wavelength was very similar to gamma rays, but yet so alien in many respects. For one thing, it was actually within the visible spectrum, which should not have even been possible considering the absurd frequency it achieved. And on top of that, no one within the radius of the event had complained of radiation sickness.

Dr. Shine took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “I think I’ve been in this damn lab too long. I’m starting to think that we’re dealing with an extradimensional form of energy. Ha! Like that’s actually the case.”

Before he could go back to finishing an email to a colleague in Vanhoover, the distinguished doctor felt a soft pair of lips press against his forehead, accompanied by the wonderful aroma of citrus scented perfume. When he turned around in his chair, he smiled at the woman before him.

She wasn’t exactly tall, almost an entire foot shorter than he was, but she made up for it in spades with her bubbly optimism. As usual, her emerald locks were tied up in a single braid that went around her left shoulder. But what Dr. Shine loved the most about her was the pearly white smile she returned in kind when he kissed her back.

“Hey Barb, are you done with the chameleon genome coding already?”

“No. I just needed a break. It was starting to get a bit tedious. And I wanted to check up on you. You know how you get when you’re absorbed in a project…”

Dr. Shine chuckled. “Yeah, I know. Do you want to go on that romantic dinner I promised tonight?”

“You mean we can actually go to Palazzo di Formaggio…TONIGHT?!”

“Sure. Just let me finish this email and I’ll start heading home.”

Barb squeezed the doctor in bone-crushing hug. “Oh Dusk you’re the best! And I’ll make sure to wear that sexy little red dress you like so much. See you soon!”

“Later, Barb.”

Good grief, it’s been ages since I’ve seen her so excited. But I guess I have been putting a lot of hours into the lab lately. In any case, a nice dinner with Barb should help me relax for a while. And if I’m lucky…we might be able to sneak in some sexy time afterwards. I wonder if she’ll up to riding cowgirl toni—

Dr. Shine’s naughty thoughts were interrupted by what sounded an awful lot like a small explosion. And judging by how loud it was, he suspected that blast’s epicenter was quite close by. After grabbing his lab coat, he looked around the facility and found a large cloud of dust and debris near the edge of the southern sector.

That particular sector of the lab didn’t have anything terribly important contained there, like a hadron collider or anything. The only things stored there were simple cleaning supplies and the like. Still, he wanted to make sure that no one was hurt or anything was on fire.

As the dust settled, a bizarre scene played out before. Sitting on the floor was a woman. She looked to be in her mid to late twenties and had eerily similar physical characteristics as Dusk, save for the fact that she was an attractive woman. But that wasn’t the bizarre part. What made Dr. Shine practically choke on his own spit was the fact that she was stark naked.

“Who are you and what are you doing here? And more importantly, why are you naked?!”

Twilight stood up slowly. “I don’t know! The last time I came here I was wearing clothes. And…where is here exactly?”

“The last time you were here? You mean to tell me that you’ve trespassed in the labs before?”

“What? No! I meant to say that I’ve been to this world before.”

Dr. Shine blushed. “Great! Not only do I get to deal with a massive mess but a crazy naked lady to boot! Look, I don’t really have the time to deal with whatever this situation is right now. I promised my girlfriend that I’d take her out to dinner in an hour.”

“I’m not crazy! Just a bit lost and confused. I promise I won’t take up much more of your time. But umm…could you possibly get me something to wear? It’s a bit chilly in here.”

Dusk handed her his lab coat. “Wear this for now. It’s still going to be really hard to explain why I’m walking around the university with a barefoot woman in a lab coat, but at least the cops won’t arrest you for indecent exposure.”

“Thanks. And there’s one other thing. I don’t have any money or a place to stay. Do you think…you could possibly let me stay at your place? Please?”

Dusk began to hyperventilate. “Seriously?! I live with my girlfriend. I can’t just bring some random naked woman home with me. I’ll get dumped faster than a sack of bricks.”

“You mean…she’d think I was in a relationship with you?”

“YES! What else could anyone possibly think if they saw me with an attractive, naked woman?”

Twilight smiled sheepishly. “I’m flattered that you think I’m attractive, but I’m already in a relationship.”

“Arrrgghh! That’s not the issue at hand here. It’s like you have no common sense regarding social conventions or clothing for that matter!”

“Well, I don’t normally wear clothes. Except for special occasions.”

Dusk rubbed his forehead. “Yep. You’re definitely from some hippie nudist commune. Look…I’ll let you come with me but you have to promise not to ask any questions and just play along with whatever I say. And for the love of Newton, put some actual clothes on when we get to the apartment.”

“Like your girlfriend’s clothes?”

“No, you’ll be wearing my spare gym clothes for the time being. We look about the same size anyway. And when Barb asks: just say that you’re my cousin who came into town for a visit.”

After a long and rather awkward walk through Canterlot University, Dusk and Twilight got into the car and began the short drive to the apartment. In all the commotion, Twilight only now realized that Discord was nowhere to be seen. Of course he wasn’t here. Typical spirit of chaos! Now she was left to suffer alone, penniless, and naked at the mercy of a complete stranger.

Well…not a complete stranger. It was actually kind of odd how much this Dusk person looked like her. As a matter of fact, it was kind of creepy. He had the same hair color, eye color, and even some of his mannerisms were identical. After a moment of intense thought, a lightbulb went off in Twilight’s mind.

Sweet Celestia! He’s my doppelgänger in this world! Okay Twilight, don’t panic. Just take a deep breath. Yeah, Discord totally ditched you for whatever reason but at least you have…you to rely on? No…that’s not quite right. Because he certainly doesn’t act exactly the same way. Although that does make a certain amount of sense. He was raised in a completely different society with different rules and—ok now I’m rambling. I guess I’m just going to have to “roll with the punches” like Rainbow always says.

Twilight’s thought process ground to a screeching halt when she felt a piece of paper slip into her hand. She tried to ignore the fact that it hadn’t been there a mere moment ago, and that it was embossed with a small portrait of Discord’s face on the top. Much to her frustration, the contents of the letter basically told her what she knew already.

Dear Princess Sparkle Butt,

If you’re reading this, then you already know that I’m not standing right next to you. Not to worry though, I’m in this universe. Just not in the immediate area you are. Why you ask? Well, it’s quite simple really. Despite being the Spirit of Chaos, I too must follow some rules. Especially when it concerns trans-dimensional travel. Sorry to say it, but you’re basically the pony version of Kyle Reese.

I know it’s a real drag showing up naked and confused in an unfamiliar world. But chaos magic follows Terminator logic when crossing dimensions, not Hasbro logic. What? You have no idea what I’m talking about? You really need to brush up on your 80s pop culture references, Princess. I thought everybody saw that movie! In any case, I set you up with your male counterpart to make things a bit easier. And yes, before you ask, I do ship it. Arrivederci for now~

Your chaotic companion,

-Discord, Spirt of Chaos Esq.