Morning had come again and my friends and I were sitting at a small cafe, each with our favorite drinks. For me, that was an ice cold beer. They were drinking soft drinks, like a couple of girly girls.

The ponies- and strangely enough a zebra- were giving us wary looks while we talked. Something about us chugging a few dozen freezing drinks each was making them nervous. Not that I really cared, or anything. I could just smack them in the head with a can if I wanted to.

I was laughing so hard my sides felt like they were going to split open. "Did you see her face when I brought up machine fetishists?!" I half screamed half choked.

My friends were both red in the face they were laughing so hard. They knocked over their drinks and were trying to speak, but they couldn't find breath enough to spare.

I laughed so hard that tears ran down my face. "She was so disturbed!" I leaned back in my little undersized chair and heard a snap. Soon after I was on the ground, still laughing loudly.

Upon seeing what had happened, my friends only laughed harder. Viking actually started to have a nose bleed from the laughter and it spurted on to Serpent's shoulder.

I stood back up and pulled over another chair, still laughing. "I- I- I nearly lost it when I brought up beast- b- be- bestiality!"

Serpent screamed with laughter and fell out of his chair, laying on the ground covering his red face with his hands to muffle the sounds.

Viking put his head in his hands and leaned over the table, trying to calm down.

I wiped away the large amount of sweat that was building up on my face and let my laughter die down to a hearty chuckle. "Oh God, I haven't laughed this much in years..."

As I listened to my friends' laughter die down, I felt the need to move. I don't know why or how, but I wanted to leave the cafe and do something. "Hey... You know what we should do?" I asked them.

They both looked at me with lopsided smiles.

I chuckled a bit. "Let's go flying. Just the three of us. We can get ourselves a jet and go around the country."

Viking nodded as he spawned in a health vial and fixed his nose bleed. "I don't know how to fly, but, uh, I'll see what happens."

Serpent agreed. "Sure, let's do it."

We all stood up and walked out of the cafe- but not before I left a piece of Bug Bait on the table- and headed to a known open spot to do this: Applejack's farm.

***

We entered the gate, talking excitedly over which jet we would be using.

"I think I'll go with the Harrier," Serpent told us. "It's easy to control and can go fast as heck."

Viking laughed. "Yeah, and it crashes fast as heck too!" he laughed, getting dirty look from Serpent. "I'm going with the FrogFoot. Way better control and it's fast as hell."

I laughed at them both. "Yeah, that's nice and all, but I thought we were men going on a jet ride, not kids playing with toys," I said, ribbing them.

They looked at me oddly.

I chuckled evilly. "I think you both know what jet I'm gonna use."

They both groaned in protest.

I laughed at them. "I've been using this jet since Gmod 11, I'm not going to stop using it now," I told them. "Plus, this is the best jet for handling, acceleration, weapons, and it's fast as fuck." I smiled impishly. "My friends, I'll be using the Mirage F2000 fighter jet, Admin Model!"

They both rolled their eyes at me.

I looked over to the best spot I could find, and I scowled. Butch and Hick were there. Fucking rug munchers always gotta get in the way of things...

We walked into the clearing and they saw us. They didn't look particularly happy about it either.

The lesbipony stepped towards us. "What the hay are you three doing here?" she demanded, not very politely.

Applejack stepped up to her friend, putting a hoof in front of her and shaking her head.

I snorted. "Well howdy-fucking-do to you too, asshole," I growled at her.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. A second later Serpent was telling me not to do something, but the pounding in my head drowned him out.

She glared at me. "We were in the middle of a conversation here! Go somewhere else and be a jerk!"

I laughed. "I'm a jerk? I'm a jerk?! Since we've got here you've done nothing but act hostile towards us! I've been nice by only insulting you!"

She pushed Applejack away from her and came closer to me. "Yeah, and you haven't apologized for saying I'm a lesbian!"

I scowled even harder. "You haven't given me any reason to apologize! You've been a bitch to me and my friends, not even giving us the chance with your constant attitude!"

She came even closer. "Well now's your chance! Apologize!"

I snorted at her. "Fuck you, bitch. I'm not apologizing to you after you just insulted me and demanded it from me."

She gave me a cold look. "Then leave me and my friend alone!"

I chuckled. "No, we wanna see how two dikes get at it in the pony world," I said teasingly. I could see Applejack taking a calming breath. "We need this space to take off in," I told her.

Applejack looked at me oddly, a bit of anger still in her eyes. "What do y'all mean, 'take off'?"

I extended my arm to my side, spawning in my jet. Unfortunately, that caused a slight pain in my head. "We're going for a fly, and this is the only spot big enough to take off in."

Rainbow Dash scoffed. "In that thing? You couldn't fly in that thing if the world depended on it!" she said with a laugh.

I sneered at her. "You wanna bet, Butch?" I challenged.

She glared again. "My name's Rainbow Dash! Not Butch!"

I sneered a little wider. "Until you can prove to me you're not a cunting little slit licker, you're name's Butch."

She growled savagely and flew at me faster than I could react.

I was on my back in the dirt, staring up at her with a scowl.

She smirked and pulled my head wrap down below my chin.

"What the f-"

She kissed me. Not just a peck on the cheek, but a full blown stick-her-tongue-down-my-throat-bite-my-bottom-lip-and-push-herself-forward-on-to-me kind of kiss.

I smiled darkly into the kiss, running my hand through her mane and forcing her head lower onto me and forcing my tongue into her mouth.

I don't know why I did this. Maybe it was the heat in my head mixed with the slight disorientation the headache caused.

She pulled away from me, licking my lips teasingly. "Got your proof?" she asked playfully.

I gave her a lecherous smile. "Nope. Before I make a decision I think I need a bit more... experimentation," I said, looking down between her legs.

She blushed heavily and climbed off of me, backing away a few paces.

I snickered as I stood back up, pulling my head wrap back up to its proper place. I looked to my friends. "And that, class, is how you call a bluff," I said in a teacher-y voice.

They both gave me mildly disgusted looks and shook their heads.

I scowled. "Just get in your fucking jets..." I mumbled as I opened the glass of my F2000 and climbed into the pilot seat. Starting it up, I heard a throat clear to my side.

I looked to see an embarrassed Rainbow Dash looking in at me. "What?" I asked impatiently.

She blushed a little more, her cheeks turning a rosy color. "Look, I... I just wanted to... y'know... say sorry..."

I raised a brow at her. "Excuse me?"

She glared at me a little. "I said I'm... sorry, for... being a big, dumb jerk to you..."

I snorted. "You weren't a big, dumb jerk. You were a little, dumb jerk," I said icily.

She glared at me.

I shook my head, flipping a few more switches. "Listen, you wanna hear a secret?" I asked her.

She leaned in a little closer, nodded slightly.

I sighed. "I'm going to regret telling you this, but I'll never respect you as it is. You'll have to earn it. Fly with us, and maybe, just maybe, if you can keep up, I'll gain a little respect for you. Then... I'll think about forgiving you."

Before she could respond I slid the glass closed and started on my take off. As I thundered through the clearing, I could see the approaching tree line. I sneered, knowing full well that I could take off long before I even came close to it. But just for shits and giggles, I waited until the very last moment to take off, sheering off the top inch or so of the trees with my wings.

The second I was in the air I felt like a great weight was lifted off of me. I always loved flying, even more than I loved swimming. Just something about the feeling of not being trapped on land made me feel better. Made me feel this sense of... freedom...

I looked to my left and I saw a FrogFoot. I looked to my right and I saw a Harrier. I looked above me and saw a pony. I looked ahead of me and saw a mountain.

I smirked as I opened up my coms. "Last one to go around that mountain twice and back to town gets shot in the dick!" I yelled. Then I opened my throttle and soared past my friends and Rainbow Dash. I could feel the G-Force pressing against my body, pushing me into my seat.

I whooped in cheer, screaming into the com. "C'mon you slow pokes, you can go faster than that!" I yelled, pushing faster even more.

It was then that I saw both of my friends' planes and Rainbow Dash speed ahead of me.

I laughed and pushed myself to nearly my maximum speed. Slowly, oh so slowly, I was gaining on them. I could see that Viking was in front, followed by Rainbow and Serpent.

I activated my rockets, targeting Serpent's jet.

"Don't you dare, mister!" I heard the static-y voice yell through my coms.

I locked on, firing a Hellfire missile at him. Unluckily, he had countermeasures. And he used them. "Damn you!" I yelled joyfully.

It then became less of a race and more of a dog fight. I would fire, they would dodge. They would drop back, I would do a barrel roll to avoid a missile. I would do a backflip to get behind them and fire my guns, they would spin away from me, only taking minimal damage at the most. It went on like this until I finally got a score on Viking's wing.

"Yeah! Take that!" I screamed.

"You fuck!" he yelled, his jet wobbling dangerously while thick, black smoke came from his left wing. "You suck!"

I dropped back behind him, readying my guns. "Hasta la vista, bitch!" I yelled, firing everything I had into his jet. I hit him a number of times, scoring good marks on his jet.

His wing snapped off, making him spin out of control towards the trees below. A fire broke out in his cockpit, obscuring my view of him. "Oh Go-" and then his jet exploded into a fireball, the few pieces that were left crashing to the ground.

Me and Serpent laughed. That is, until I started firing at him again.

Now, Harrier jets aren't the most maneuverable things in the sky. That's a cold, hard fact that nothing can change. I exploited that fact, using the superior speed and maneuverability to- eventually- cause enough damage that he couldn't fly any more.

I laughed into the coms. "So, how's it hanging bro?" I asked through my com as he parachuted down into the trees.

He fired his gun at me, causing a bit of damage, but nothing too serious.

I spun around, flying right at him.

"Don't you dar-"

And then my wing hit him, cutting him in half. I even had a nice bit of intestine hanging on to my jet from him.

I turned lazily back to the mountain, feeling very accomplished. Then I saw a cyan dot in the distance, just about to reach the mountain. "Fuck!" I swore loudly, pushing straight into max speed.

The G-Force was enough to affect my perception of things, like color and time. Everything started to go grey, and it looked like the world was slowing down. I could feel my skin peeling back, nearly getting ripped from my face.

Then I hit Rainbow Dash.

My eyes went wide, thinking that I had just killed her. I felt my body go cold.

She looked at me with wide eyes.

I took a breath of relief, just before I almost crashed into the mountain. "Oh, fuck me!" I screamed as I turned, narrowly avoiding death. I circled it, twice, with Rainbow hanging on for dear life to the front of my jet. I could see her terrified face, half looking at me and half looking ahead.

I laughed as a mach cone appeared on the front of my jet, scaring Rainbow even more.

She looked at me helplessly, her eyes watering from the intense winds and fear.

I shook my head and nocliped myself. Reaching up, I nocliped her and pulled her into the cockpit with me, turning collisions back on for both of us.

She looked at me with huge eyes. "It's so fast!" she yelled over the roar of the jet engines.

I nodded. "Yeah, it is!" I yelled back.

Then, we were both shook by a loud explosion. I had just broken the sound barrier. Unfortunately, my jet had taken a bit of damage, and that broke as well.

"Fuck," I said, summarizing my feelings, the situation, and what was about to happen.

My right wing twisted, causing us to spin uncontrollably. During this spin, my engine gave out, causing a free fall with the uncontrollable spinning.

"What's going on?!" she screamed in a panic.

I laughed, trying not to puke. "We're free falling!" I told her calmly. "We need to eject!"

She hugged my neck tightly. "We're gonna die!" she wailed.

I rolled my eyes, wrapping one arm around her and pulling the eject lever with my free hand. There was a sudden jolt, then we were weightless.

We were a good two hundred feet above the trees, and Ponyville was a while away, almost a spec in the distance.

I pulled the cord, opening the parachute and saving us. I looked to the little pony nearly crushing my neck in terror. "Hey," I said, shaking her.

She opened one eye, looking at me.

I smirked. "We ain't dead yet," I said playfully.

She untangled herself from me, hovering at my side with a sheepish look on her face. "Uh, sorry about that. I uh, lost it for a second..."

I snorted. "Yeah, you did."

My parachute got caught on a tree, leaving me to dangle above the ground. It wasn't very high, so I just dropped down, landing on my backside and probably getting a good bruise.

Swearing to myself, I stood up and looked around me. "The fuck are we?" I asked.

Rainbow landed next to me, a somewhat nervous look on her face. "W- we're in t- the Everfree Forest..." she said in a shaky voice.

I hummed in thought. "I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here and say it's dangerous. Also, that we're far enough away from the town that nobody's gonna come looking for us." I looked to her. "Am I right?"

She nodded, biting her lip and looking around her.

I sighed. "Great... of all the people to get stuck in the woods with, it's you," I said, messaging my head.

She glared at me. "It's not like I want to be here y'know!" she yelled.

There was a distant animal call, something like a screech.

She yelped and latched onto my leg, hugging me tightly for protection.

I shook my head. "Well, I always did like to camp," I said tiredly. Then I smiled wickedly. "Who wants to hear some good ol' scary campfire stories?" I asked her in a spooky voice.

She whimpered and hugged my leg tighter.

I laughed evilly, rubbing my hands together. "The tale of The Rake it is, then," I said, spawning in a campfire, two logs to sit on, and a tent. I also spawned in the Sun Editor and made it nighttime and added fog with the Fog Editor, just for extra freak-the-fuck-outness.

I sat on the log and pried her off of me, sitting her down next to me. "Once, there were three friends who decided to go camping in the middle of the woods, much like the ones we're in right now..."

Author's Note

Heh, this is gonna be goo-
You made us kiss?!
Uh, yeah? So?
I barely know you! I don't want to kiss you!
Rainbow, calm the fuck down, okay? Besides, you liked it. You said it was "actually kinda hot", remember?
...
See? Now, where was I?
You were about to tell the story...
Hehehe, oh yeah. Now, listen up, this is a good one...

Believe it or not, The Rake and Smile dog were the only CreepyPasta that actually got me. Smile Dog because I don't like things with animals in them, and The Rake because it was actually really fucking creepy.
If you haven't already, check out the video on YouTube of The Rake. It's really good if you watch it at night with headphones on.