Most stories are about what we see.
The problem is always obvious: Save the kingdom, or stop the evil Whatchamacallit, or travel through time like it’s an interstate freeway. These problems, though seemingly impossible, are always solved one way or another. Sometimes it’s through one’s own skills and abilities. Sometimes it’s through the Sleet-Slinging Ice Orb of Doom or other assorted magical artifacts. Sometimes, naturally, it’s done with the gag-inducing “magic of friendship”.
Across the universe, located some light years north of the Horsehead Nebula, lies a small planet full of tiny, multicolored horses. It is, of course, inhabited by numerous other beings both fantastic and mundane to us, but the horses are what matter most. These horses, called “ponies”, tend to solve the aforementioned problems with the aforementioned “magic of friendship”. This is widely regarded as a bad move by most other races on the planet, but due to the intergalactic ratings and subsequent interstellar trade benefits this brings everyone keeps silent on the matter.
Fame and fortune aside, friendship has proven itself time and again in the ponies’ trials. Six in particular – one of whom recently and nonviolently overthrew a small-town democracy and established herself as “Princess” – have performed most admirably, saving their land of Equestria time and again. Crazy moon mare alien invasion? Deftly handled. Resurrected God of Chaos with a fetish for the color gray? Easily managed. Some evil pony emperor returned from the gap between dimensions? No problem.
The thing these three villains have in common is that they are all completely obvious problems. In Equestria, the best and most effective way to get rid of an obvious problem is to shoot deadly rainbow lasers at it. This is how the six ponies – or “Mane Six” as they’re popularly called – rose to the top.
There are no deadly rainbow lasers in this story, as the problem here is much more… nebulous.
A tan-coated mare wearing glasses looked out over the town of Ponyville.
Today was a special day. Anypony and everypony throughout the small town of Ponyville showed up for the occasion – earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi of all shapes, colors, and, in the case of the enormous and burly white pegasus, Attila the Horse, sizes. Even the recolors of the denizens of Ponyville could be seen in the crowd, underlining the importance of this historic day. Tan Lyras and gray Bonbons abounded. An astute observer might spot a green Screwball hanging out in between a dark red Cheerilee and a green-haired Carrot Top.
Seeing all these ponies out in force on a day like this just made Mayor Mare all the more annoyed.
I just don’t understand, she thought to herself as she looked out over the mass of ponies. They voted to keep me as mayor for the past seven years, and now they’re only too glad to get rid of me. What makes them think that Twilight Sparkle will outdo me so easily? She double-checked her white collar for the fifteenth time to make sure that it was straight. What makes them think that a Princess is automatically so much better suited for the job than an experienced Mayor?
She glanced sideways at her upcoming replacement to rule Ponyville. It wasn’t that she lacked respect for Twilight Sparkle. Twilight was a magical genius. She was highly intelligent, warm, logical, understanding, and as good a pony as you’ll ever find. She was also the only known pony in the last three hundred years to actually ascend to Alicornhood. If you asked for somepony, anypony to replace Mayor Mare on the spot, her first choice would without a doubt be Twilight.
It’s just that here comes Her Royal Highness, and all of a sudden everypony trips over one another to grovel at her feet! And worse, they insist that “A Princess must have a domain”! Do they really? I wouldn’t call Ponyville a kingdom in the slightest…
All these thoughts crossed her mind as she smiled falsely at Twilight, who seemed rather abashed at the proceedings.
At least I won’t need to clean up after Twilight and her friends anymore. But it’s still hard, she mentally added as she turned back to the crowd. She sighed. I just hope she’s prepared for what she’s going to receive.
Mayor Mare waved out over the crowd and tapped a microphone, signaling for the crowd to be silent. After waiting a moment for the crowd to settle down and another moment for Ditzy Doo to do the same (“I WAS TOLD THERE’D BE MUFFINS!”), she cleared her throat.
And at least I’ll get to go out doing what I love most: giving expositional speeches!
“Welcome, everypony,” Mayor Mare began, waving a hoof expansively to the crowd and tweaking her seemingly gray mane in the process, “To the first ever Ponyville Princess Inauguration!” She paused a moment, basking in the cheers of the crowd, enjoying the thrill of the moment. It would be, after all, her last chance to do so.
“We have been privileged… neigh, blessed,” she continued once the crowd settled down, “To have such an excellent and admirable pony as the alicorn at my side. She is a true example of what everypony here can aspire to become, if they apply themselves and reach their true potential! That’s right, everypony… our new Princess started out as a humble librarian, a commoner like you and me. But through her incredible magical aptitude, her use of cool logic when others were time and again in grave peril, and her stalwart friends forever at her side—“ She paused to wave a congratulatory hoof at Twilight’s six friends, five additional ponies and one small dragon—“I may now reintroduce you all to her as Her Royal Highness… Princess Twilight Sparkle the Twenty-Second!”
The five ponies – viewers of these ponies across the galaxy will know them as Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity – and the lone dragon (viewers will know him as Spike) all exclaimed variants of “Huh!?” as the crowd cheered wildly.
“Twilight Sparkle the Twenty-Second?” Applejack mouthed to her friends. None of them heard what she said, of course, but they understood the gist of it.
“Oh, great,” Spike grumbled, face palming with a scaly claw. “I told her not to read that stupid Princesses of Equestria book!”
Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII took her cue and walked as regally as she could to take Mayor Mare’s place at the podium. She actually managed this fairly well, having practiced and rehearsed beforehand time and time again until even the rhythm of her breathing would have made any underfoot peasant tremble.
“Thank you, everypony,” Twilight Sparkle began. Hers was not a majestic voice, yet it nevertheless endeared the audience through sheer warmth and sincere gratitude. “I am honored to stand here before you all today. It was only three years ago that I first settled in this town, hardly knowing what I was about to get myself into. I’ve met all kinds of wonderful ponies here. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without meeting you.”
She paused for a moment. Mayor Mare nodded. She’s making an excellent speech. I really like the pause there. It really lets the crowd lap it up.
“…To be honest… I don’t think I deserve this.”
Most ponies gasped, Mayor Mare included. For a moment, the ex-mayor felt a surge of hope. Is she going to turn it down? Will she let me have it back?
“I was just another pony before. No, don’t deny it,” she added with a smile at her friends below, all engaged in making denial faces. “I always looked up to the Princesses. I never expected to actually *become* one. I never expected I’d have to learn how to fly… or how to lead an entire town.”
Is she really going to? Mayor Mare smiled excitedly. Here it comes…!
“Which is why I…”
Yes?
“Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII…”
YES!?
“…do humbly accept this great responsibility of governing Ponyville.”
“OH, COME ON!”
The crowd all paused silently for a moment and eerily turned as one to a surprisingly irate Mayor Mare, her front hooves pointing in opposite directions. Mare recognized this two seconds later, turning her glare into a sheepish grin as she brilliantly ad-libbed, “Oh… come on! We… we all know she’ll do a fantastic job! Isn’t that right, everypony?”
The crowd immediately went back to cheering wildly again.
Although up to this point, it may appear that Mayor Mare is a selfish, mane-dying, greedy liar of a politician, this was simply not true. Mayor Mare is a selfish, mane-dying, greedy liar of a competent politican. There is a difference. It became apparent now as Mayor Mare looked out over her constituency cheering, rolling around in the grass, waving hooves in the air like wacky waving inflatable hoof flailing tubeponies. They may just be simple ponies from Ponyville, but they were her simple ponies from Ponyville. She needed to warn them. She needed to warn Twilight. Though she had already done so several times before, none seemed to listen or understand the gravity of the catastrophe that was about to befall Ponyville.
So she did what all great politicians do in a time of crisis or election: Point out the flaws of her opponent.
“Yes, indeed,” Mayor Mare began, walking back up to the podium until she stood alongside Twilight. “Twilight is a fantastic organizer. She will treat all of you with compassion and respect. There is no better pony to replace me now. She was there for us when the Parasprite swarms ravaged our houses and ate them to the ground. She was there for us when Spike the dragon terrorized Ponyville, crushed our clock tower, and ruined our water supply. She was there for us during the great Rabbit Famine when a horde of mad, raving bunnies devoured all our crops and left us to die of starvation!”
Most ponies kept on cheering. Looks of trepidation appeared on a few faces, Mayor Mare’s words of warning sinking in. Twilight Sparkle became bashful and nervous, but somehow remained blissfully unaware of where Mayor Mare was going.
“And most importantly,” Mayor Mare’s voice rose to a crescendo for the big finish, “she will be there for us to keep the town comfortably insured AND fiscally afloat!”
“What’s that have to do with anything?” Rainbow Dash asked quizzically as the rest of the town stomped hooves all around her. “It all works out! It always does!
…Doesn’t it?”
Equestria is an ever-growing country, in no small part due to the fertility of its pony population. To the east are the cities of Manehattan, Fillydelphia, and Baltimare. To the south lie the frontier towns of Appleloosa and Dodge Junction. To the west and north stand more cities and, of course, the Crystal Empire. Equestria is slowly running low on good land to build – most of the rest of Equestria is forests, swamps, deserts, and mountains. Yet land remains, if a pony knows where to look.
Some ways to the north of Dodge Junction, at the foothills of the Rambling Rock Ridge, flow two rivers: the Rambling Rock from the North and the Everfree from the West. It is here that we find the city of Bittsburgh, arguably one the most evil places in all of Equestria. This is not to say that it’s an unpleasant place to live – other than occasional Diamond Dog incursions from the Ridge to the northwest, the river delta and nearly forest make for pleasant, scenic views.
It’s just that Bittsburgh is renowned for its financial and insurance industries, neither of which are particularly conducive to such friendship-bearing fruits as generosity or kindness.
Moe Money, CEO of All-encompassing insuranCe both Medical and structural of Equestria (or ACME as many liked to call it), stared out from the top floor of the ACME building. It was the tallest structure in all of Bittsburgh, and also the most foreboding. Dark, evil-looking clouds gathered around the pinnacle of the building, brought there by herds of overworked and underpaid pegasi from the far corners of the stormy seas to the east.
“Hrrrm-num-num-num…” he rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he stared out over his city. His walls. His skyscrapers. His ponies. He was, in a word, wealthy… though he himself never once thought it. What a normal pony might see as an empire, he only saw as dirt.
“Gentlemennn…” He rumbled in a gravelly voice. “Do you think… we are rich?”
The rest of the board, seated around an exquisite mahogany table, exchanged doubtful glances.
“…Sir,” one of the younger members spoke up bravely, “We own all of Bittsburgh under our iron hooves. All of Equestria obeys our rules and schemes by now. Profits have risen over 200% a year. Surely we are plenty rich by now?”
Moe Money sighed. “I wouldn’t expect YOU to understand, Marley Form!”
“But-but that’s not my na—“
Moe held up a hoof, and all was silent. “I have lectured you about this before, Marley, have I not? Hrrm-num-num-num. Gentlemen, have we forgotton why we are here so soon? Let me remind you: It is to get RICH. But we are not yet rich, are we, gentlemen?” He walked up to his seat at the head of the table, his large gray eyes powerfully scanning the table. None of the other ponies at the table were quite sure how he could do it, but the stare alone could move mountains. It was like staring into an infinite brick wall laced with dynamite.
“…No,” he whispered, the sound carrying across the room, “We are not.”
“That’s impossible,” an older, portly colt called from across the table. “We already own market share in Bittsburgh, Baltimare, Fillydelphia… we practically rule the cosmos. Where can we look, if we’re not rich now?”
“Why…” Moe grinned wickedly, and a few nearby skyscrapers trembled. “Ponyville, of course.”
Gasps and exclamations burst throughout the room.
“Impossibru-I mean, impossible!”
“We can’t do that!”
“Not so long as Mayor Mare’s still in charge!”
Marley Form frowned, taking in the frantic debates exploding around him.
“So you’re saying she’s stepped down?” He asked loudly over everypony else.
“PRECISELY.” Moe had only to speak one word, and the entire room lapsed into silence. “Mayor Mare has been forced to abdicate her position as mayor of Ponyville. No more can she thwart our attempts to raise insurance rates thanks to those meddling ‘Mane Six’ ponies, hrrrm-num-num-num. And, gentlemen… it is now Twilight Sparkle who rules Ponyville. Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
“My Goddess…” another colt spoke up. “Ponyville won’t last a week!”
“Precisely, gentlemen. And when it does… we raise the rates a hundredfold!”
This was met with great rousing cheers by nearly everypony involved. They pranced, they cheered, they called, “Rate hike, rate hike! Tra, la, la!” All, that is, save one.
“But, sir…” Marley Form spoke up. “We can’t raise the rates a hundredfold. Ponyville can’t afford to pay those!”
At first, the others shouted him down and cursed his name for daring to stop their plans of financial conquest. They might have even tossed him out of the room, had not Moe Money held up a hoof.
“Marley is right. We cannot.”
“But sir, my name is—“
“BUT,” he thundered, “We know what will bring us just as much MONEY…”
Although Town Hall in the center of Ponyville does serve as a gathering place for celebrations, its primary purpose is to serve as the town archives. Here in the Hall’s musty yet enormous basement is where important documents such as who owns what and general population and tax documents are stored. Here lies the town’s history, kept in newspaper and document, in letter and stamp, in silly New Year’s Eve mascot and old vinyl records storing such old-time town favorites as “Winter Wrap Up” and “Smile, Smile, Smile”.
Much to Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII’s delight, Mayor Mare showed solid organizational skills, keeping each and every type of artifact and item in its proper place.
Much to Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII’s frustration and anger, Mayor Mare tended to sort everything not by letter, or number, but by how much pink lay on each and every form.
“Urrrgh! How is anypony supposed to find anything in this dump!?” she yelled furiously. “She doesn’t sort things in alphabetical order or numerical order or ANY kind of order from what I can tell!”
“She doesn’t clean very often down here, either,” Rarity observed, looking disgusted at all the dust and spider webs strewn about. “I can already see the FIRST thing on my to-do list.”
Applejack poked her head out of a pile of Foal Free Press newspapers. “Sorry, Rarity,” she said, “but first we gotta figure out what Mayor Mare was tryin’ t’ warn us about.”
“She was warning us about something?” Pinkie Pie asked excitedly… but of course, she asked everything excitedly. “Haha, good thing I didn’t know. I would’ve panicked and ran for the hills and never looked back!” She promptly dived headlong into a stack of genealogy scrolls, scattering surprisingly few of them as she swam through the pile like a terrifying papershark.
“Ehhh, I bet she was faking it,” Rainbow Dash piped up, lazily flapping around behind the other ponies. “Come on, she’s just upset that Twilight became more suited to the job than she was.”
Fluttershy had no strong feelings one way or the other on the subject, but remained quiet mostly due to finding an entire wall of cabinets seemingly dedicated to personal injury and property damage. Of particular interest to her was the fact that a number of those reports seemed somehow related, whether directly or indirectly, to herself and her friends. She quietly leafed through paper after paper, recalling all kinds of memories – most happy, some sad, many downright terrifying, some embarrassingly hilarious.
I still can’t figure this one out, she thought to herself, staring at the paper as if willing it to make sense. Thursday, March 19th, 2013. With organization of Twilight Sparkle, wrapped up winter in Ponyville on time. …Twilight received thirteen stitches and a case of Pinkeye?
“So, whatcha got there, Fluttershy?”
“AH!”
Fluttershy, caught completely off-guard by Spike’s nonviolent ambush, jumped and tumbled away from her non-attacker, barrel-rolling end over end until she smacked directly into an entire cabinet dedicated to the great Rabbit Famine of 2011. The cabinet wobbled and might have fallen over onto Fluttershy had not Rainbow Dash swiftly crossed the distance and pushed it back to its original position again.
“Easy there, Fluttershy. What’d you find?”
“Oh. Umm…” Fluttershy grinned sheepishly for a second, then recovered flawlessly. “This entire wall here… I think it’s about us.”
“What? All these cabinets have to do with us? What’d we do?”
“Ah, well…”
“Reading through these, it’s a miracle nopony’s dead,” Spike snarked. “Look at this – ‘Pinkie Pie sneezes and overturns an entire apple trailer; five ponies hospitalized with broken legs’.”
“Poor Octavia was never the same again,” Pinkie lamented sadly.
“And look at this one! …Twilight Sparkle and friends single-hoofedly ruin Canterlot Gala; priceless animal menagerie escapes; castle ballroom uninhabitable for two months; Crown Prince missing and assumed scared.”
“Well! He was a brute, a craven, a wretch, a pompous waste of horn…” Rarity began.
And somepony I really wish I could thank for blowing it, Spike thought to himself. “Oh, and… huh, this one’s odd. Twilight Sparkle learns mustache-growing magic?”
“What’s so bad about that one?” Twilight asked, frowning curiously.
“I know, right? But, it says here that in doing so, you learned how to grow goatees.”
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH---!!!” Pinkie Pie extravagantly gasped. “Twilight, you must be STOPPED!”
“I dunno…” Spike said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. “I might look kinda rugged with a goatee…”
“Stay focused, Spike. We’re clearly close to whatever Mayor Mare tried to warn us about.” Twilight opened one cabinet door and groaned. “If only she’d kept these in some kind of order…”
“Oh, Twilight!” Pinkie called out. “It’s sorted by pink!”
“I… what?”
“Yeah! I noticed it as I went down through the local families. See? Applejack’s family is an entirely pink scroll, marking hers as the most important family in Ponyville – of which I am a proud member,” Pinkie added smugly.
“Pinkie Pie, don’t go rubbin’ it in…” Applejack then walked closer to Pinkie and whispered, “Too much” into her ear.
“Right. And then there are the weather teams, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, the Quills and Sofas colt, Rainbow Dash…”
“How am I less important than the Quills and Sofas colt?” Rainbow snorted.
“Hmmm…” Twilight frowned, seeing what Pinkie was getting at – as she leafed through the assorted disasters and accidents, both their fault and not, she noticed that the more serious the devastation, the more the document seemed to be colored pink. What a strange thing for Mayor Mare to do, she thought. So if I keep following the documents colored pink…
She began moving to her left now, finding the documents off to the left more and more pink. She felt a vague sense of morbid curiosity as she read over the files. “What’s really amazing is that nopony actually died,” she said aloud. “I see at least a few things here that could have been very messy had something gone wrong.”
“Now you know how I feel,” said Fluttershy, who oftentimes jumped at the sound of doors closing.
“I guess what’s also amazing is that despite all that’s happened, the town’s still standing and thriving even today…!”
Twilight paused, scanning over a document almost entirely covered in pink but for two microscopic corners. She froze, staring at it in mounting understanding and horror at her sudden predicament.
I’m responsible for this. I took Princess Celestia’s command that a Princess must have a kingdom and drove out the one pony keeping Ponyville together… and we never once realized it, never once even thought about it… until now. We just saved Equestria or saved Ponyville so many times, we must have never even thought about it. But now that I see the truth staring me in the face…
“Whoa. Twilight… what on earth is THAT!?”
Spike’s outburst drew the other five ponies closer, now reading over Twilight’s shoulder. All felt their mouths drop open in mounting horror… all except Pinkie, who nodded her head every now and again, adding, “Mmm-hmm” and “Makes sense”.
“This, Spike…”
The room suddenly became very dark and sinister around Twilight Sparkle’s dramatic presence. Gusts of wind, channeled by an unknown breeze, swirled eerily around Twilight’s straight mane. Twilight’s eyes glowed pure white, and when her mouth opened to speak it sounded strangely as though not one but two regal ponies spoke in unison:
“IS THE LARGEST TOWN INSURANCE BILL I HAVE EVER SEEN!”
The planet Equestria IV – that planet of ponies which greatly excites, cheers, and sometimes enamors – is a unique planet in our universe.
“Poppycock,” you might say. “Sure, it’s full of adorable tiny horses, griffons, zebras, and Pinkie Pie, but this is an enormous universe we’re talking about. Surely there must be SOME world out there in the great black yonder that, by the laws of probability and infinity, matches the exact world we know and love here?”
You are right, of course, even down to the Pinkie Pie bit. But consider this: You are one of those avid fans of the intergalactic series “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”. I am a fan. We are, or at least I am, on planet Earth, in the distant backwater Solar System, billions upon billions of miles away. When you consider space in terms of billions upon billions of miles, you might start to get an inkling of just how far our delightful equine companions reach.
That’s right – from the Galactic Empire to the Borg Collective, from the Engi Homeworlds to the Turian Hierarchy, who doesn’t enjoy a good pony?
However, in order for so many worlds and galaxies to enjoy the series, massive investments must go into communications relays, GigaVision contracts, television cameras and camera people, and so on. The last two items are especially important, as they are the ones filming the ponies, usually our Mane Six. This leads us full circle to my opening statement, and now you can guess why I made it: Equestria IV is currently the highest-rated intergalactic reality TV show in the known universe.
Through use of the best cloaking, teleportation devices, and sound mufflers money can buy, only seven ponies on the entire planet are aware of the existence of the cameras and their crews: Princesses Celestia and Luna, their currently off-world mother and father Galaxia and Chronos, Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire, Prince Blueblood, and Pinkie Pie.
Both Blueblood and Pinkie regularly blab about the hidden cameramen, but nopony listens to them.
An unseen camera now moves in on the majestic, Tetris-esque palace of Canterlot. Set snugly into the side of Canterlot Mountain, it looks out over much of Equestria. It’s a bit on the defying side of gravity, but the ponies of Equestria reckon that they won’t question gravity if gravity won’t question them. Besides, it’s the Royal Sisters who matter, not the castle itself. One, Princess Celestia, commands the day; the other, Princess Luna, commands the night and is therefore asleep at this time in the afternoon.
Celestia sat upon the carpeted stone dias in what could be considered the throne room. While it lacked in thrones, there existed an invigorating cross-breeze generated by three pairs of open windows on opposing sides. Celestia’s innate ability to command the sun allowed her to warm air particles around her, forcing the warmed air to rise directly into her mane, blowing it about like a river, swift and sure. This gave the casual observer the impression that her mane eternally rippled in a divine wind, a sign of her holy powers. The effect was every bit as good as a throne.
That being said, no amount of illusionary divine power would brace her for the letter that was about to appear before her, wreathed in but unburnt by green dragonfire. When she did receive the message, she found it to be unusually short, sweet, and to the point:
Dear Princess Celestia,
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP!!!
Your Faithful Student,
Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII
P.S. Please find the attached town insurance bill.
Celestia blinked, and frowned for a moment, wondering why in the world Twilight chose to be so cryptic.
Then she regained the calm smile formerly on her face, recalling that this WAS Twilight, after all. Your first day on the job, my dear Twilight Sparkle XXII, and already you’re screaming for my aid? I’m flattered, but I really think you ought to stand on your own four hooves this time. Besides, you shouldn’t look to me for advice on your first day – why, MY first day as sole Princess of Equestria was…
Between bitter memories and Twilight’s attached copy of the town insurance bill, the frown once on Celestia’s face effortlessly regained control in a flawlessly executed coup d’ etat.
“Oh… oh, dear. This situation. I should have known this day would come,” Celestia mused to herself. Especially since I allowed her to take over Ponyville. Insurance was not my strong suit in my early days, either. I fear I’ve done her an injustice by not warning her of the consequences. It would take too long to tell her the truth... but I can at least help direct her next move.
“Go and wake Princess Luna,” Celestia said at last to her two guards, both standing watch at her side. “I must speak with her at once.”
Princess Luna was sound asleep.
This, of course, is to be expected from the ruler of the night when it’s the middle of the afternoon. Luna is typically nocturnal by nature, and so does not appear very often to handle the day-to-day matters of ruling a kingdom. In the far distant past, as any good fan of the series knows, this fact plagued Luna’s mind to the point of highly destructive anger and a dangerous multiple personality disorder.
It’s interesting to see what modern days do for her, Celestia mused, trying her best not to laugh as she beheld her sleeping sister in all her glory – covered in a large feather boa and wearing a lampshade over her head. Now it’s nightclubs in Manehattan this and Hearth’s Warming Eve parties in Fillydelphia that… she’s not so much the goddess of the moon as she is the goddess of great parties.
A wicked thought struck Celestia, and she smiled deviously. “Actually, you all may leave. I believe I’ll do the honors.” As the guards walked out and closed the door behind them, Celestia smiled contentedly as she silently stalked up towards Luna’s large and luxurious bed, on which Luna sprawled like a beached Pony Whale. Celestia barely held back a few snickers as her horn glowed gently, summoning into existence a red megaphone. Pulling down the button with a bit more magic, she lowered the mouthpiece to her lips…
At that exact second, with surprising alacrity, Luna jerked awake and waved a hoof out at Celestia’s megaphone, the amplifier-turned-weapon immediately bursting into an enormous swarm!
“BATS!!” Celestia jumped backward through the air and gracefully landed with a regal THUD as the bats flapped over and past her, vanishing as quickly as they came. Recovering from the sudden shock, she looked up at Luna’s bed to find Luna pushing up the front of the lampshade. Luna stared at her now, one eye blearily glaring, the other eye still glazed over but likewise focused.
“Tia, you… you can’t jus… mmmmrrrr…” Luna let the lampshade fall back over her head as she flopped back down and lay still again.
“Uhhh… ma’am? Are you alright?” A guard’s head appeared upside-down in Celestia’s field of vision.
“My sister is becoming harder to prank,” Celestia mused, rolling herself upright.
“Can’t… can’t prank…” came Luna’s muffled voice.
“Luna, wake up,” Celestia chided. “I need to talk to you about something important.”
“Go awaaay.” Luna rolled over.
“It’s about Twilight Sparkle’s Town Insurance.”
Although Luna still lay on the bed, her head at least tried to jerk itself off the comfortable plush mattress.
“…Come again?” Luna asked, sounding much more alert this time. “Did you just say ‘Insurance’? I thought we passed that changeling incident off on Twilight and her friends?”
“…Luna. I’m not alone in this room.”
Luna rolled back over and finally removed the lampshade. The guards thought that insurance must be a very dangerous top-secret issue within the kingdom to wake Luna up so suddenly. Every guard there, at this realization, felt a small surge of pride at being privy to the kingdom’s deepest darkest secrets.
Luna, at the realization that there were, in fact, guards there, shook her head and said, “…Never mind. What is it you wished to ask me about?”
Letting the gravity of the situation outweigh the ridiculousness of Luna’s feather boa draped around her neck like a scarf, Celestia slowly walked toward Luna’s bed.
“You see, dear sister,” Celestia began seriously, “Our faithful student Twilight Sparkle… has run into a very familiar problem…”
Luna frowned, placing her front hooves on the floor as she magically whisked the outstretched letter and bill away from Celestia. As she read the letter, she asked, “Twenty-second…?” at Celestia, who merely shook her head and pointed a hoof at the bill. Luna then read the bill, upon which the real problem became immediately clear.
“It was never so terrible when we… when you ruled!” Luna declared angrily. “This is preposterous! Why can’t you just go and sort those greedy Pony Pigs out?”
“Luna, remember the precedent I set at the time…?” Celestia asked delicately.
The anger faded from Luna’s face, replaced by resignation. “Oh, right… you were always the clearer thinker, sister. I’m sure abandoning the castle to the Everfree Forest to avoid paying the insurance rates was the smarter decision.”
“Had I attacked them head-on, I would have stifled pony entrepreneurship for generations to come,” Celestia replied sadly. “As unpleasant as it was to leave our former home, to actually act against the insurance company would have made matters even worse. It’s the same way now. However, this time it’s more than just myself and a few guards – I’d rather not lose an entire town, not to mention six of the country’s greatest heroines, to the Everfree as well. It would be a terrible injustice to save Equestria time and time again only to become a pack of homeless vagabonds, seen as responsible for ruining and destroying their hometown.”
“But you’re not sure what you CAN do for them,” Luna finished.
“That is correct, my dear sister. I can’t simply pay it for them – that rate would deplete the Equestrian Treasury in months! I can’t fight for them – I would risk undoing the Equestrian economy itself by cracking down! Luna, what can we do so that my student and her friends aren’t left to the timberwolves?”
“They’re always involved in those adventures of theirs. Make them go on vacation or something. Make them relax for a while.”
“Luna, they don’t even try anymore. They destroy buildings just by partying. Did you hear about the time Pinkie Pie tried to help build a house?”
“No. What happened?”
“She used balloons. As a support beam. For a wooden house.”
Luna slapped her forehead with a hoof. “Great Mother Galaxia above! Are you SURE we can’t get them out of Equestria? Maybe on a voyage out to sea, or… I don’t know, even the moon?”
Celestia gasped.
“What? Sister, if it’s about the whole ‘banished to the moon’ thing, we’ve had this talk several times already. It’s alright, really. It was my fault for being so selfish, and…”
“No, no!” Celestia nearly pressed her face against Luna’s, but the dignity of her position and the presence of the guards, who really felt they were now in the “inner circle”, restrained her. “Repeat that last sentence. The last thing you said.”
“Sending them to the moon?” Luna asked incredulously, and her eyes narrowed. “Tia,” she began, now climbing fully off the bed, “if you think for one moment that sending ANYPONY to the moon for fun is a brilliant idea, let me tell you…”
Luna stopped for a moment as several important facts and locations clicked in her brain all at once.
“…Oh, hold on,” Luna’s voice lowered back down to nearly a whisper. “Sister! You’re not thinking of…”
“Why not?” Celestia asked excitedly. “It would put them out of reach of the insurance companies, and whatever havoc they wreak outside of our planet will NEVER be heard about by our ponies here! Keep them out there long enough, and the rates will have to come down because they won’t have done anything!”
“But Sister, isn’t that just delaying the problem, rather than confronting it?”
“Who knows? They might find a new insurance company out there who’ll take them in. One that actually won’t mind catering to heroes, or one that might even be watching us here!”
“Err, come again, Your Highness--?” A guard tentatively and bravely asked, but was immediately shushed into silence.
“Tia, that space program turned out to be little more than fuel for Sombra’s black ambitions. The mere sight of the stars drove the good king mad. What will it do to Twilight and her friends should we send them on such a quest?”
“I know, Luna, I know. But I don’t see any other way. As long as they stay on this planet, Ponyville can’t survive the way matters stand now. It’s their home.”
“We ask too much of them.”
“And if we don’t ask it of them, they’re doomed to become outcasts anyway.”
Luna frowned sternly for a moment, then sighed and bowed her head. “I don’t suppose they’d find the fabled Sea Ponies out on the ocean, anyway. I’d prefer just keeping them somewhere as guests, but I suppose with their penchant for shenanigans it would be just another matter of time. BUT,” Luna demanded, “We need a permanent solution, Tia. Flying around out there solves nothing if they don’t come back with a new insurance carrier, or at least a fleet’s worth of diamonds.”
“I don’t know what lies out there, Luna. All I know is that Twilight and her friends have faced the unknown countless times here, and every time they’ve succeeded. Some of it is luck, and some of it is Pinkie Pie, and a lot of it is Twilight’s cool use of intellect and magic. The fact remains that if anypony can succeed in space, they can.”
“That’s true. I believe the same thing.” Luna smiled at last. “I just wanted to make sure you believed in them, too.”
“I do, Luna. With all my heart.”
“Then it’s settled! We’ll arrange for them to go to the Crystal Empire at once. Leave that to me, I know a zebra out in the Everfree who can handle that. Oh, and Tia?” Luna gestured at all the guards, who by now felt almost as if they were Honorary Royal Sisters.
“Yes. Please do,” Celestia replied, summoning a pair of very dark sunglasses.
Luna grinned, summoning a similar pair of sunglasses as well as what appeared to be a small ballpoint pen.
“Guards,” Luna said.
“Y-yes, ma’am?” One asked worriedly.
“Don’t blink.”
The room was bathed in a brilliant light, and a half dozen short-term memories faded. To them, this remarkably revealing conversation never happened.
“How on earth did we wind up spending the entire Ponyville budget on parties!?”
Another camera had switched on just in time to catch this remark, shouted by Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle XXII in the expansive central chamber of Town Hall. A small but elaborate mahogany desk had been summoned in the center of the room and was currently stacked with papers detailing ugly budgeting and uglier bills.
Six ponies and one dragon all turned their heads to stare at Pinkie Pie, including Pinkie Pie.
“What are we looking at?” She asked curiously, staring at her tail. “Is it my tail?”
“…Never mind,” Twilight replied, admitting defeat. “What I can’t figure out is how Mayor Mare managed for so long. Here lies this lingering insurance problem, but she just spends everything on parties and ceremonies and somehow comes out just fine!”
“Perhaps she saw value in making Ponyville a tourist destination,” Rarity offered. “I’ve seen ponies from all across Equestria come to Ponyville for galas and celebrations… even the ribbon-cutting ceremonies are considered a sight to behold. Nopony wants their favorite travel spot to suddenly go broke.”
“Hmmm…” Twilight tapped a hoof on her chin thoughtfully. “So what you’re saying is, we need to have MORE parties?”
“Leave it to me,” said Pinkie Pie, suddenly armed to the teeth in musical instruments and ready for a serious parade.
“We can’t be partyin’ ALL the time, Pinkie Pie,” Applejack spoke up. “We need to spend some time plantin’ harvests an’ designin’ fancy dresses.”
“Especially the fancy dresses part,” Rarity supplied unhelpfully.
“Well, you can’t just party any less,” Spike added. “Your friendship bill is too high to slack off.”
“So, as long as we DON’T learn about friendship, everything’s Hay-OK?” Rainbow Dash logically concluded.
Spike shrugged. “Looks that way, but I’m not sure about the case where Pinkie Pie taught Twilight to ‘Stop, Drop, and Roll’…”
“If you’re all wrapped up in flames, putting them out is your goal! And what better way to do that than to stop, drop, roll?” Pinkie sang out, cartwheeling across the floor for emphasis.
“I’m surprised you stayed on fire as long as you did, Twilight,” Fluttershy said softly. “Magical spontaneous combustion sounds simply awful.”
“Woulda been less awful had Rainbow just been there t’ get a rain cloud,” Applejack added.
“So I slept in late that day…” Rainbow began defensively.
“That’s enough,” Twilight interrupted, feeling rather embarrassed. “The point is, we need to raise a lot of money in an awfully big hurry or we’ll be in a lot of trouble. Partying won’t help us.”
“Let’s just ask Mayor Mare to take the job back,” Fluttershy suggested. “I think we might be in over our manes here…”
“Perhaps you’re right,” Twilight agreed. “It might not be too late to get the Mayor back and stop this disaster before it starts. Come on!”
Everypony ran for the front door. This sensible plan of theirs would surely have ended in disaster, as this would preemptively destroy the entire story before it even started. Tens of voices would cry out in sheer terror and be suddenly silenced. Yet everypony almost immediately skidded to a halt as a cryptic voice boomed throughout the room:
Wait, Twilight Sparkle! Do not run away! Do not consult Mayor Mare today.
Twilight’s eyes widened. The story was saved.
“I know that voice… Zecora? Is that you?”
Twilight turned, beholding a large blue ethereal projection of a smiling zebra standing on the air behind them.
Twilight, the voice boomed again, flying across the Everfree Forest to reach the ears of everyone in the room, the Sisters know you have garnered much ire. Therefore you must go to the Crystal Empire.
“The Crystal Empire?” Twilight asked. “Why? Does Cadence know how we can save Ponyville?”
There you will meet the Princess of Love. She will direct you to the stars above, Zecora continued, as if somehow hearing Twilight’s question.
“Zecora, what are you talking about? The Crystal Empire? Cadence? I don’t understand!”
Go now to the Crystal Empire, Zecora intoned one last rhyme as her projection vanished into thin air. There you will find what you desire…
Silence lay over the room like a thick blanket.
“Well, Twilight?” Applejack asked. “Ya reckon we’d better pay Cadence a visit?”
“Zecora’s never steered us wrong before. I’m sure she wants what’s best for us. Let’s head for the Crystal Empire. Maybe Cadence truly knows what to do!”
Mayor Mare strolled idly through her house, staring blankly at old photographs. Most of them were on ceremonies, parades, parties, paloozas, shindigs, and of course, hootenannies, the last of which reflected favorably on Ponyville’s farming roots.
So many memories, thought Mayor Mare as she climbed a flight of stairs. That’s all they are for me now. Though I may look old, I wasn’t ready for retirement. Not by a long shot.
She reached the second floor, pausing, pondering.
What am I to do now?
She walked through an open doorway leading to her bedroom. Although Mayor Mare herself looked properly bland, her room was surprisingly anything but. Bright, colorful posters hung up on the walls, containing exciting slogans like “The Greatest Show on Urf” and “Ponies Stand Spellbound with Amazement”. Some showed vast, striped tents; others showed exotic animals like elephants and tigers. All of them held two things in common: The first, as one might have guessed, is that they are all circus posters. The second, as one might not, is that they all showed the same mare clown amongst the performers. One with a bright pink wavy mane and tail. Sometimes she juggled, and sometimes she somehow squeezed into very tiny cars, but it was always the same mare.
Mayor Mare stared at them for a moment, frowning. Then she snorted, and giggled, raising a hoof to her mouth.
“Would-wouldn’t that be a riot? Hahaha!” Mayor Mare laughed, feeling much better. “Going back to the circus! Oh, that’s rich! Ha… no, I gave that up a long time ago for the political circus. But perhaps it’s time I found a new land to mayor over. Someplace down on the frontier. Appleloosa? Panamane?”
Please do not leave, my good Mayor dear. I have a message I need you to hear.
Mayor Mare started, jumping up into the air and latching onto a ceiling fan for dear life. She glanced wildly about the room, landing on the astral projection of Zecora with the third glance, then landing on a vase of pink carnations with the fourth glance, then slowing down just enough to register Zecora’s ghostly presence for the fifth.
“Zecora!? This is a highly unorthodox way to come and greet me,” Mayor Mare fumed indignantly. “Most normal ponies come and knock!”
I apologize for the intrusion, Zecora explained, But with so many tasks I must make a fusion…
I was instructed to make Twilight flee. This command was a post-haste emergency.
I must also call on you to save this land…
The projection of Zecora tapped a hoof on her chin.
A geas that pays me quite well, I might add!
As the ceiling fan lay directly above her bed, Mayor Mare did not hesitate to let go and bounce on the mattress for a moment.
“Come again?” Mayor Mare asked. “Twilight’s running away? She can’t do that! She’s got a kingdom to run!”
Say that she’s ill, not that she fled, Zecora replied, a mischievous smirk playing across her face, And you may be able to rule in her stead.
“And I can’t do that, either!” Mayor Mare complained. “She might be more dangerous than a lit torch in a fireworks factory, but I will not let her run away!” She let a hoof lightly slap her forehead. “I should’ve done more for her, shouldn’t I? I could have! I let my anger at getting shunted aside—“
Twilight will return in time, Zecora added hastily. Until she returns, you will do fine.
“Fine!? I… argh!” Mayor Mare threw up her hooves, having quite enough to do with this frustrating and emotionally draining day. “What am I, chopped liver? …Very well. I will not abandon Ponyville to the Everfree Forest. But Zecora, perhaps you should explain why Twilight has decided to flee Ponyville instead of trying to stand her ground.”
Zecora paused, looking intently at a spot on the ceiling.
“Tell me,” Mayor Mare implored. “I believe I’m owed that much. Please.”
Zecora gazed now at Mayor Mare. The ex-mayor shivered slightly, as though the projected zebra could stare into her soul. A moment later, Zecora nodded slowly, as though accepting that some secrets would have to be broken.
I know not what they will do, Zecora whispered, yet I will tell what I know to you…
The Crystal Empire lies far to the north of Ponyville. It is considered the de facto northern border of Equestria, as the outlying lands to the north are largely deserted. Although it is called an “Empire”, it is not nearly as expansive as it was in its heyday, back during the time of Kings. It consists now of just one large crystalline city, its streets etched together in one large, six-pointed star, main roads radiating out from each corner like a beam of light. At the center stands the enormous Crystal Palace, its sharp spires pointing upwards like the laser cannons of a grounded spaceship.
It is to this palace now that Twilight and her friends enter, having been granted an audience on very short notice.
Having your brother sleep with the Princess of the Empire has its advantages.
“So, you’re running from ACME? And you were told to come here?” Cadence frowned at her sister-in-law, Her Royal Highness, etc, etc. “I’m not sure how I can help you, Twilight. There was the matter of repelling King Sombra, but we’ve had no problems since then.”
“We need to be directed to ‘the stars above’, whatever that means,” Twilight explained, taking the role of official spokesmare. “Can you make any sense of it?”
“Stars above...? There’s the observatory, but I don’t see how observing planets and comets will help…”
“Is that all?” Twilight’s heart sank. Observatory equipment could be sold, but she wouldn’t dream of asking Cadence to do so.
“Unless…” Recognition dawned on Cadence’s face. She slowly walked away from Twilight, adding, “They couldn’t be serious. Could they?”
“What is it?” Twilight asked.
Cadence stopped, pausing for a moment before turning around.
“…A long time ago,” she began, “King Sombra ruled this city with an iron hoof… but even he wasn’t always the tyrant he one day became. Historians say that he only slipped down the dark path after beholding space with his own eyes.”
“Beholding space?”
“Yes. As the story goes, Sombra used to be a good king. He was aggressive, and constantly pushing at the borders of other northern tribes, but he meant well for his subjects. Yet he always wondered about the stars…”
Cadence began walking, motioning for Twilight and company to follow.
“We have the sun to light our world during the day. At night, we have the moon and stars. Sombra wondered what the stars really were. Why were they so much smaller than our sun? Who rose them alongside the moon at night? Nopony in the Crystal Empire knew the answer. Sombra therefore decided to find out. He ordered his finest engineers and scientists to begin construction on an airship capable of flying, as historians say, 'high enough to reach the sun'… or more realistically, high enough to leave our world.”
“You mean, spaceships?” Rainbow Dash asked curiously. Every other pony turned to her in astonishment until she added, “What? I read some of Twilight’s sci-fi novels. There’s a lot of mumbo-jumbo I don’t get, but the flying parts are awesome.”
“I had a feeling you’d like the Renegade Squadron series,” Twilight smirked before turning back to Cadence. They were now descending a long flight of stairs – Twilight was sure they were currently underground. “So, King Sombra developed a space program? I’d never read anything about that.”
“…We don’t like to talk about it,” Cadence added darkly. “Sombra’s ponies actually finished the project. Sombra himself insisted upon being the first pony into space, despite concerns over his safety. It was a testament to the brilliance of his engineers that the first attempt was successful. It was a miracle… and a curse.
Sombra and three other ponies piloted the first launch out of the Empire and into space. A few ponies still remember the shuttle launch, the ship rising higher and higher into the sky until it finally disappeared.”
Cadence stopped around at a sharp corner. She shivered. A chill snaked its way down Twilight’s spine.
“Cadence, what happened out there? What happened to Sombra?”
Cadence paused, as though gathering herself for several moments before she spoke.
“…Nopony really knows. Several days later, the ship returned to the Crystal Empire as suddenly as it had left. The three crewponies with Sombra would not speak of what happened, but some said they looked somehow hypnotized, or charmed… they… they did not live long afterward. Sombra himself… ponies hardly recognized him. An evil light shone in his eyes that did not exist before. All he cared about from that moment on was war and conquest.
Some say that his mind was overthrown by some horrible alien, some kind of monster, some colour out of space. Others say that evil already lay within him, and simply seeing so much vastness before him drove him over the edge. But one thing is clear, Twilight: Space drove King Sombra mad. Whatever lies out there, we do not know. Are you sure you want to face the unknown, knowing his fate?”
Twilight struggled to find words.
This was mostly due to the fact that Fluttershy was currently clinging on to Twilight’s back for dear life, but Twilight certainly did not know how to respond even without distractions. Applejack audibly gulped. Spike clung to Rarity’s foreleg for dear life, alternately terrified and elated.
Surprisingly enough, Rarity found them first.
“Well, we certainly cannot afford to go back and face those greedy ACME dogs,” Rarity replied stubbornly. “I for one will not be cast out into the street!”
“...Take a mare's land, you take her dignity," Applejack said slowly. "Dunno if I can stomach that, but... I don't like losin' my mind, either."
“I-well, yes, but…” Rarity rallied to the challenge. “But I believe we'll be fine. You said yourself, Princess Cadence, that Sombra was already a warmonger even before he left to see the stars. It sounds to me that what happened to Sombra was Sombra himself, not a monster or an endless void.”
“Aaaand,” Pinkie Pie added, bouncing up and down, “We’ll probably meet all kinds of funky aliens and new civilizations! Ooh, ooh! We can boldly make friends where nopony's befriended before!”
Applejack sighed. “Well,” she said slowly, “Ah guess that there’s nothin’ the six of us can’t handle…”
“Seven,” Spike muttered.
“Seven, right. Sorry, Spike. So used to it bein’ the six of us.” Applejack cleared her throat. “I don’t like the idea of space travel, but if it means we get them ACME varmints off our backs, I’ll do it.”
“Yeah! Come on, Fluttershy! We can do way better than dumb old Sombra.”
“I-I-but-but what about all the scary space, and the monsters, and the…”
Fluttershy looked into the faces of six ponies and Spike. Her fears wrestled with her desire to not let her friends down. Fluttershy was fairly certain that the two ideals were now locked in a very deadly struggle, most likely with knocked-over tables and chairs all over wherever it was they were fighting. She hoped they didn’t make a big mess.
“I-I wish… I wish Discord were here so he’d make the monsters less scary.”
“You WHAT!?” Discord was not a name to be used lightly. Fluttershy appeared to be the only known pony in the universe who utterly failed to comprehend this fact.
Fluttershy surprisingly giggled nervously. “No, I-I was just thinking. Discord changed our personalities once, but he's a good Draconequus now. I’m sure he’ll change us back to normal if space changes us.”
Twilight’s mouth gaped. As much as she doubted Discord, god of chaos on this planet, Discord could at least be friendly towards Fluttershy. For a split second, she actually considered seeing if he would come… but then she realized that would only lead to half her future crew launching him out into the depths of space. Then she smiled, wondering if he could come solely for the purpose of being launched out into space. For science, of course! Then it vanished once again when she realized how sad that would make Fluttershy.
“Um… Twilight? What are you thinking?”
“...Nothing, Fluttershy. Are we all set to go?”
“Darn it. If I’d known we were going to be launched into space…” Rarity shook her head. “I simply can’t BELIEVE I let you talk me into taking just one suitcase, Applejack.” She magically yet forlornly lifted one lone bejeweled briefcase. “What will I do if we come across a space casino, hmmm? Or if this spaceship carries a Jacuzzi compartment?”
“What the hay makes ya think we need a Jacuzzi in a spaceship!?”
“Well, we might not find one anywhere else.”
Applejack opened her mouth to argue this further, realized Rarity was not Rainbow Dash, and closed it again.
“In space, Applejack, nopony can hear you Jacuzzi,” Rainbow Dash grinned.
Applejack’s head slowly turned in Rainbow’s direction.
They promptly argued about the merits of space Jacuzzis for several minutes until Rainbow Dash realized that she cringed away from anything remotely spa-like. This was just as well, as the whole time the group had been walking to their destination, which, at the moment, was a large, pink curtain, shielding the rest of the room from view.
Cadence turned to the group and smiled, her fears long since laid to rest.
“Twilight, everyone, I give you… the—“
“The Force!?” Pinkie asked excitedly.
“No, silly!” Cadence giggled. “The Quartz!”
Cadence magically pulled back the curtain. Everyone gasped.
