My Adventures in Equestria

I guess you could call me a normal kid. I went to school, slacked off, stayed up irresponsibly late every single night…so yeah, just about normal. But there was a reason I did some of those things. I was a brony. Every day I’d get home, look at my book bag and think “Fuck it, I’ll do it later.” Wanna guess how many times I kept that promise?

Less than I liked. Staying up until like 1 o’clock in the morning every night reading fanfics wasn’t exactly healthy for my performance in class. Needless to say, my mom wasn’t too happy about my grades. I tried to not stay up. I tried not to be addicted to those awesome pastel ponies that had taken me to a place that wasn’t so fucked up.

Maybe that’s why it made me so happy. Because it made me feel happy.

Either that, or I’m just looking for something to do. Don’t get me wrong, finding out about the show has made me a new person. For both better and for worse. For better because it made me happy again. I had friends and still had a slightly decent life, but nothing to give me true happiness. For worse,  because it me delve deeper into the world of porn. Clopfics, ding ding ding!

You see, in third grade, I made possibly the most drastic decision of my life. I sat next to a kid named Tyler. In the third grade, and he was already using words that would make the devil blush. He also was watching porn. My ADHD played alongside his. I’d never really seen the severity of cuss words. So I started to cuss with him. It wasn’t hurting anybody, so what was the deal? And the porn bit?

Ha, like I was going to skip out on that? I was really living it now. If I’d never become friends with him, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here writing this boring ass intro. Still got a bit to go, so keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle until it has made a complete stop.

Anyways, rule 34 was like finding more than 5 diamonds in one spot in Minecraft. I lapped it right up. My favorite was from Avatar: The Last Airbender. Katara was a personal favorite of mine. I would say “Celestia rape me if I didn’t look at her more than any other person anywhere.” But knowing the internet, I really don’t feel like risking it.

Ahem… sorry, getting back to the story now. After becoming a brony, I didn’t really go to rule 34 for ponies. I just didn’t think it showed sexuality, but preserving the innocence of the show I enjoy. So those things came to me in the form of Clopfics.

Oh, man I read a bunch of Clopfics. I enjoyed them. Granted I didn’t clop to them, but I admit I  did get aroused by some of them. I tried to stay away from Fluttershy, her being too innocent in my mind for my perverted ass to  be reading about those things.  Even though I stayed away from her Clopfics, I developed the joke phrase, “it’s always the quiet ones….” for her. Then he thought hits me one day.

I read stories about cartoon ponies having sex, enjoy them, AND to top it all off, fantasize about them! How many levels of fucked up am I? Really, I have honestly to God fantasized about  these ponies. But before you hate me all the way to hell and back I have an argument to why.

It’s their character. Each one has such a beautiful kind, innocent spirit and personality, and I guess now I know that that drives me crazy. Given the situation, I wouldn’t “fuck them” per se, but “make love to.” Because “fucking” in my opinion is sex without love. And damn it all to hell, I love these ponies! Both platonically, and in the well…other way. So yeah, boring ass rant and intro aside, let’s get to the actual story.

Again.

I was typing a new chapter for my story “The Plague” during a really bad thunderstorm. We may not exactly be in tornado alley over here in Maryland, but Mother Nature sure can throw a giant bitch slap our way when she wants to. There was some really bad lightning, wind, and if I wasn’t mistaken, maybe even a little hail. I wanted to be a storm chaser when I graduated college. I’ve never personally seen a tornado, but I have seen a funnel cloud.

WARNING! IRRELEVANT SIDE STORY HERE!

It was when I was about 7, right before my parents divorced. There was a storm passing by us, and my dad was outside on the back porch. He called me outside, and I followed. There above our back yard, was a funnel roping towards the ground. If it hadn’t died out, I’d say it would have touched ground over the playground of the school right across the street. It later actually did touch down about 30 miles away. A tornado where I live is extremely rare. To give you an idea why, I live near the coast.

Another time, it was 2004, and hurricane Isabel was making it’s was towards shore. When it hit, the edge of the eye passed right over us. It was amazing, being inside the calm center of a beast. I knew that when I was older, I was gonna be either a hurricane hunter of storm chaser.

IRRELEVANT SIDE STORY ENDS HERE!

Granted, I shouldn’t have been on the computer during a storm, but like all a true storm enthusiast, I threw caution to the damn wind. My laptop was plugged in, which is why I shouldn’t have been on. But ADHD told me “you have nothing to worry about.”  Bet you all 20 bucks I die on my first chase because of ADHD. I won’t be able to spend it if I win, because I’ll be dead,  but at least I’ll have won a bet.

A flash of light made me jump for about the fourth time that night. Lightning may be amazing, but damn, it can be a bitch when it wants to. Then another flash of light  blazed my vision, only this this time, it didn’t stop. It faded, but there was still a glow left. I looked back, and nearly jumped out of my seat with fright. The socket which contained the plug for my computer was glowing purple. Like UV ray purple. So, being the smart person that I am, decided to try to unplug it. Of course it wasn’t for safety reasons, I just didn’t want to lose the part of the story I had just written.

Smart move. As soon as my hand had started to pull the plug, a flash bolted across the sky. My hand slipped and touched the metal prong, sending a violent jolt of electricity through my body. What was strange though is it wasn’t the normal cold feeling that you get, it was actually quite warm. I tried to pull my hand away to no avail. I know when you get shocked, the electricity tightens your muscles and freezes you in place momentarily, but this was prolonged.

And of course somewhere in the back of my head I heard “if you have an erection lasting for more than 4 hours…” I began to feel really weird all of a sudden. A feeling I couldn’t explain, almost like my very soul was dripping down the drain into the cosmic sewer.

Then I passed out.

When I woke up, I was on a dirt path in what looked like a forest. Instead of doing something logical or rational, I began to admire the beauty and tranquility of the scenery. Scenery that had been implanted into my head more than once. The trees, the plants, the sounds, all of them too familiar to me.  All of them had been described to me in pretty much all the HiE stories I’d read in my short time as a brony. But it couldn’t be possible. There was no way I could have been here.

In the Everfree forest. It seems like the place is the damn Platform and three quarter’s for HiE fics. My mind was in a rage. One part trying to comprehend my surroundings, another trying to figure out if it was all real. I looked around a bit; looking for something to entertain myself with while I tried to figure out what the heck was going on. I picked up a stick and twirled it around a bit. I threw it up into the air, and when it came back down, I caught it and brandished it like a sword.

A bright flash of light emitted from it, and it impacted a tree, splitting the bark. I yelled out,

“HOLY SHIT!!!” and threw the stick away from myself. Regaining my composure I thought to myself Alright, given the chance that I’m not completely freaking insane and I am in Equestria, can humans do magic? I walked towards another stick and picked it up.  I pointed the stick at a tree and waved it slightly. Putting down the stick as if it were a bomb, I made a mental note; stay the FUCK away from sticks.

Then I heard a sound coming from the bushes surrounding the area I was in. Deciding to do something smart for once, I climbed up a tree. Judging from the way the noise had stopped suddenly, I was pretty sire it had heard me. Then it called out.

“Hello?” It asked uncertainly. It was at this point where I probably got the stupidest grin on my face. I’m sure some of you are wondering “Which pony is it?” Nope. Just Chuck Testa. My good friend and brony-in-crime Nate stepped out of the brush, a wary look on his face. I slid down the base of the trunk, scaring him. He immediately slackened when he saw it was only me.

“Hey, man you know where we are?” He asked, giving me a fist bump in greeting. I grinned at him once more.

“Ah, if only you read more, you would know exactly where we are, my friend.” I said jokingly. It was true. The only fanfic (if not book) he’d ever read was My Little Dashie, which had appropriately sent him into fits of uncontrollable tears. He just scowled at me.

“Come on, where the hell are we? YOU seem to be pretty certain about it.” I reduced my grin into a smile.

“If my calculations are correct, and if neither of us is completely insane…we are in Equestria.” Cartoon physics kicked in at that moment and his jaw fell a couple lower inches than it should have been able to. He tried to stutter out a response unsuccessfully. The most I could understand was

“Wha,…b-b-bu….E-e-equest…h-ho…WHA?” I tried to stay serious despite the look he was giving me at the moment.

“Yep. As far as I can tell, we are now somewhere in the Everfree forest.” I said simply to him. Giving up trying to talk, he let out one last “Guh?” and held his hands out in front of him asking for an answer. I laughed a bit to myself. “It’s true Nate, if only you read more fanfiction, HiE in particular, you’d understand. This place has been described to me one to many times for me NOT to know where we are.” It seemed my mini-rant had drawn the attention of another creature. An animal with the body of a lion and the tail of a scorpion walked out of the bushes as well, looking around in hunger and anger.

I pointed at the manticore pointedly. “This is another way to tell where we are. A… Manticore.” I said, before faltering. “Ah, yes” I continued, clapping my hands together. “I believe this is the point where we make like Justin Beiber and getthefuckoutofhereRUN!” We bolted like all hell, not even bothering to climb the thousands of possible trees around us. The Manticore roared and ran after us.

After turning the fifth bend in a row, we decided we probably didn’t have a chance to lose it that way. What? The mind works in mysterious ways when you’re about an inch from being ripped limb from limb. Then I remembered the stick  had blasted the tree with earlier. And this being a forest, there were TONS of sticks I could choose from. Feeling bad for what I was about to do, I leapt to the side and shouted “SORRY NATE!” Luckily, the Manticore took Nate as an easier challenge and continued to run after him. Nate shouted back

“I hate you!” I picked up the nearest stick I could find and yelled after the Manticore

“Hey, pussy, fresh meat!” I don’t know if it stopped because I had presented myself as a target  or because I had called it a pussy, but it worked. It started to growl and lumber its way towards me, not bothering to run since I wasn’t. When it was roughly ten feet away, I pointed the stick at it and waved it. A bolt of light shot from the stick and impacted the Manticore right in the face. It flew off of its feet and hit a tree. When it got up, it glared at me and roared. Apart from giving it a couple scratches, I seemed only to have pissed it off more.

Again and again it came after me, only to be defeated by my all powerful tree branch. After a while, it gave up, and sulked away with an extremely bloody nose. I smirked to myself and called out to Nate. He slid down the trunk of a tree and glared at me.

“Dude, what the hell was THAT about? I could’ve DIED! As in no longer breathing or having a functioning brain.” He panted, waving his hands in my face to get the point across. I shrugged off the tirade.

“Hey, I got rid of it, didn’t I? I didn’t see you doing anything particularly helpful cowering up in a tree and all.” I shot back at him playfully. He just grumbled and walked ahead of me. Eventually we came to the edge of the forest. Looking back on it, we’re lucky that we came out at all. We just started walking in no particular direction. And as an added bonus for being idiots, the universe decided to throw a favor our way. We emerged from the forest right near Fluttershy’s abode. Okay, make it half favor. We may have been near intelligent life, but that life was scared of the grass in the ground.

It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to just go out there and say “Fluttashy, sup? Throw a white kid some Kool-Aid?” So we held back at the edge of the woods. Trying to lighten the mood, I looked over at Nate and whispered

“Whatever you do, don’t let her take you to her shed.” He looked back and laughed.

“But that’s where the porn’s at!” he joked back. We both collapsed in silent laughter. After a few minutes we regained our composure and I spoke up.

“Oh yeah, let’s try not to fuck this up too early, okay. We can’t just stroll into Ponyville and be like “Hey Mane 6, you’re a show in our world! We know where you live and know all your secrets! We also know that you’re the bearers of the Elements! I watch you through your windows in my free time! I take pictures!” Nate rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, that didn’t occur to me. Just because I have a rational mind  doesn’t mean that these things don’t occur to me.” I sighed.

“Just making sure, you know?” At that moment, none other than Fluttershy came around the corner humming to herself. I nearly lost it right then and there almost having a “HNNNNNG” attack, but I stopped myself just in time. Instead I contracted type one diabetes. Nate got heart problems. And with her was none other than the Manticore that I had pissed off. My eyes widened, along with Nate’s, I’m sure. It had a bandage on its nose, along with some other bandages along its body. The Manticore stopped and sniffed the air, looking directly at us. Somewhere in the universe, a button that said “You’re screwed” played.

It growled, catching Fluttershy’s attention.

“What is it Mr. Manticore?” She asked it, nearly sending me into another attack. She may have only been talking to it, but

damn it if she wasn’t the most adorable thing in Equestria. The Manticore unfortunately obliged her and pointed into the bushes at us and growled. Fluttershy walked over to us and pulled the brambles away, before looking at us in fright.

“Um, hi?” Nate tried, and Fluttershy fainted.

“So much for giggling at the ghosties, eh?” I grumbled. Now with Fluttershy unconscious, nothing stood between us and the Manticore. I’m fairly sure if Manticores could smirk, it would. It began to stalk over to us slowly, enjoying the moment. My trusty twig turned Harry Potter saved us again. I realized it was in my pocket, I had decided to keep it lest anything else dared attack us. I pulled it out and waved it in its face. It hesitated for a moment. I glared at it.

“Yeah, remember this, do ya?” It growled at me, but no longer moved forwards. Nate was fanning Fluttershy, trying to wake her up. As soon as my head was turned, the Manticore roared at me and leapt. I ducked and rolled out of the way. It skidded to a halt and turned facing me once more. Having put up with it enough, I waved the wand…erm, stick at it. Once more a bolt of light flew from the stick. Unfortunately the Manticore saw it coming. It dodged to the side, rolling away with impressive speed.

It ran at me, and I tried to shoot at it again, but it leaped over the assault and pinned me to the ground. Now, it was a wrestling match between us. The jerk played dirty, too. I know I’m talking about an animal, but it was smart! Every time I tried to wrap my hands around it to roll it under me, it stabbed at my hands. Every time I tried to get it in a headlock, it would spear me to the ground. Just as I had punched it in the face, a voice shouted out as loud as it could,

“Stop!” Both me and the Manticore stopped fighting with each other and turned to look at a now stern Fluttershy. “You both should be ashamed of yourselves, fighting like that!” Momentarily stunned to silence, me and the Manticore looked at each other incredulously. She got in my face. “You, attacking a poor, hurt creature like that!” I’m sure I could taste dirt as my jaw dropped. That jerkoff a “Poor, hurt creature”? I was just fighting for my life!

“But-” I stated, but Fluttershy cut me off.

“No but’s from you mister!” she then turned to the Manticore. “And you, fighting. You should hold yourself higher than a bully you know.” She glared at it to get the point across. “Now no more fighting from you two, do you understand me?” she asked sternly, and both of us nodded reluctantly. We still glared at each other though, growling under our breaths.

You see, I hated cats. Being allergic to them and everything, it was hard NOT to hate them. Besides shedding and sleeping, all they really did was bite, scratch, and eat. In my opinion, the only people that should own cats are old ladies and people in swivel chairs that say “I’ve been expecting you”. Nate now sat beside me to mostly keep me in check, while me and the Manticore continued our glaring contest. I finally gave it up because I got bored, and looked away.

Eventually, my eyes drifted towards Fluttershy, after gazing at everything else around us. She had her back turned to us, and was fixing that little shit of a bunny Angel some lunch. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for cute and innocent creatures, but Angel bunny must have been born on opposite day. Not only was he mean to Fluttershy, he kicked me and Nate in the back of the legs, making it personal for both of us.

As I was looking at Fluttershy, a thought inspired by Coal Buck stuck me. (By the way if you haven’t already, check out Coal Buck’s story “My Second Life”. It’s a lot better than this HiE by a long shot!) Were these ponies anatomically correct? It wasn’t like I was TRYING to be a pervert, but the thought came to me, and once I think something, it’s stuck there until I can find an answer.

And I certainly wasn’t going to go up to Fluttershy and ask “Hey there Shy. Excuse me, but could you tell me if you have a vagina?” I went with that they are, considering that there could be no possible way that they could reproduce if they weren’t. I voiced my thoughts to Nate.

“Hey man, you think ponies have…you know?” He just looked at me as if I were insane.

“Why are you thinking about that at a time like this?” He paused for a moment, thinking. “Come to think of it, why are you

thinking about that at all?” He frowned at me. I sighed.

“You know the way I am, dude, you shouldn’t even have to ask that.” Nate didn’t take to kindly to people that read Clopfics, even more so to people that actually clopped to them. So naturally, he didn’t like it when I brought up the subject. “Just asking.” He mumbled a “whatever” in response and even though he wasn’t too kind on the subject, I thought I saw him looking at Fluttershy’s flank trying to see if she indeed had a marehood.

And if nature was answering our question, her tail happily swished out of the way, revealing herself to us. You could probably grill some hamburgers on my face at that moment. Nate just fell off the log we were taking residence on, his face also red. After a couple seconds, he got up and calmly walked into the forest. He came back out a couple minutes later, looking roughed up quite a bit.

“What the hell happened to you?” I asked, one eyebrow raised in question. He shook his head in shock.

“When you rage at the forest, the forest rages back.” He said quietly. From what he had said, it seemed he had gone on one of his tirades due to the subject at hand, and things had gone a little amiss. So, immediately taking the challenge that the universe had offered me, I turned to the forest and shouted,

“Damn nature, you scary!” A few pairs of eyes opened in the blackness. I coughed. “Right! Moving along then.” I said, as me and Nate hastily moved ourselves to the other side of Fluttershy’s cottage. She came out as she heard me speak louder than she had heard either of us before. She looked at me interestedly.

“You speak Equestrian?” She asked quietly. Nate frowned and shook his head.

“If you mean English, then yes.” Fluttershy looked even more interested at this. She was taking all this surprisingly well, despite her track record on the show. I figured that it was just because she viewed us as another animal.

“What’s English?” She asked, her eyes sparkling with interest. I cut Nate off before he could talk any more. No offence to him, but since he didn’t read or have ADHD, he didn’t really think much about these situations. Me being the latter, I did. After reading countless HiE stories, I had planned exactly for this kind of situation. Albeit, I was still a little shocked after all that had happened, but I still remembered it.

“Uh, you see, miss…?” I stopped, playing the role of the idiot, even though I knew fully well what her name was. She smiled at me gently.

“Fluttershy. And there’s no need to call me “miss”.” She replied. I nodded to her.

“Okay then, Fluttershy. Well, this is kind of hard to explain, Fluttershy. We are kinda…from another universe.” Fluttershy gasped and her eyes widened significantly, but she stayed quiet and nodded politely. But then she got scared.

“You’re not here to take over Equestria are you?” she asked fearfully. I smiled gently down at her.

“No, Fluttershy, we’re not here to take over Equestria. In fact, what the heck is Equestria?” (Bullshit, I knew full well what Equestria was.) Fluttershy looked up at me still a little fearfully. I thought this was because I was a lot taller than her and that was naturally intimidating. I kneeled down and that seemed to calm her down some. Nate took after my lead, though he was a bit shorter, so he didn’t have to kneel so far down.  Fluttershy answered somewhat more confidently now that we presented ourselves less of a threat.

“Oh, Equestria is this country right here, home to Princess Celestia!” She said with a sparkle in her eyes. Well, that was rather vague. I thought to myself. She still must not trust us enough to tell us all about this place. Hell, who am I kidding? I already know everything about this place! “If you don’t mind, could you tell me who you are?” She questioned, blushing slightly. I’m sure I had the dumbest look on my face trying to prevent a “DAWWWWWW” attack. I swear, if that Manticore doesn’t get to me first, Fluttershy’s innocence will surely kill me.

“Why, yes Fluttershy. I’m Chase, and this is my good friend Nate.” I pointed to myself , then to Nate to introduce ourselves. Nate waved somewhat shyly.

“Uh, hi. I believe we got off on the wrong foot, er hoof.” He said, extending his hand gently. Fluttershy took it, and shook it somewhat awkwardly. I’m sure the only other hand she may have ever shaken was Spike’s, but probably only once when they met. After we both properly introduced ourselves, Fluttershy began to make small talk with us.

“So, where are you from?” She asked us softly.

“We’re from a place called Earth.” Nate answered appropriately. I thought I heard a swish of air behind me, but when I looked back, all there was was the unchanged scenery. I turned back around slowly, passing it off as the wind. Then I heard a loud thump, followed by a much softer thump a second later. I turned around and saw Nate slumped to the ground, with a rapidly swelling bump on the back of his head.

Another swish of air rapidly rushed by me, along with a trail of rainbow. My eyes widened in realization. You have GOT to be shitting me. I thought to myself. When I turned around, I saw a swiftly approaching not to mention pissed looking Rainbow Dash making a beeline straight for me. I would have face palmed, but Rainbow Dash decided to help me out a little.

“Oh, fuck me..” Was all I could get out before I was bucked violently right in the face.

Everything went immediately black as my world spun into the world of unconsciousness.

Author's Notes: If you made it this far, I congratulate you highly for putting up with my bullshit. I admit it probably started off slow and stupid, but it only goes uphill from here! Do you think I should continue this grand adventure of shenanigans? Did you think it was funny? Please rate fairly on my latest piece of bull, or of course you could be heartless and kill me with insults. Your call.