Your Human and You: I think, Therefore I Am

Three bodies marched to the stairs of the house. Shining Badge in front of me and dad in the back. I can honestly say that I felt like I had been placed on death row and was now walking to my execution. We were at the top of the stairs when I caught sight of the Royal Guards. I counted six of golden armored ponies in the downstairs hallway along with my mother. Why were they here? Did they find out about me? If so then how? What will become of me and my family? My inner turmoil was interrupted by the scratchy voice of one of the guards. "Here they are. Let's get this over with as quickly as possible. We still have a few more houses to go to." He said in bored tone.

"Oh um you can use the kitchen if you like." My mom said smiling nervously at the guards. Five helmet baring heads turned toward the sixth. The pony must have been their CO. I got my conformation when said pony nodded. This however did nothing to answer my question as to why they were here.

Thankfully my ever so loving brother/proxy Shining badge asked the question for me. "What's going on here. What do you need our human for?"

"We are holding a investigation into purchases of humans and their legitimacy as well as to check on the human's condition for any signs of abuse. The OC answered. His voice was monotone and sounded like he was reciting a speech from a flash card for the umpteenth time.  "By the way do you have the documents proving you are the rightful owners." he added.

The three of us were already at the middle of the stairs when the Royal Guard CO asked for the papers. The hoofsteps behind me stop. "Oh their in my room....I-I'll go get them."

"Please do."

Pretending to be the dumb animal they think I am. I turned my head around to see dad canter up the starts then turned back at the guard below. Jerking my head back and forth looking at each and every one of them faking curiosity. For the most part the Guards ignored me. It did not take long for Badge and me to reach the bottom of the stairs or for two Guard to usher me into the kitchen. My mother and brother had to stay outside so they 'wouldn't interfere with the investigation.'

"Ok let's get this over with." One of the guards, a unicorn, said reaching into the saddle bag he was carrying and pulling out a quill, a capped ink bottle and a piece of paper. Form the voice I could tell it was a he.

"Do you think we need to restrain him?" the other guard, a pegasus, asked. This one was female. Unable to ask for their names I decided to nickname them Bonnie and Clyde. Characters from a book about two griffin outlaws that I read recently.

"The wife and husband says he's not dangerous." Clyde replied nonchalantly placing the three items in his grasp on the kitchen table.

"That's what everypony and their mothers says." Bonnie retorted rolling her eyes.

"Yea but the owners could report us if they see us tying up their human without 'just cause'. I've heard that some ponies were even kicked out of the guard for mistreating humans during their investigations." Clyde uncapped the ink bottle and dipped the quill in. "I'm all ready over here."

Bonnie let out a sigh. "Fine." she said while removing her saddle bag from her back and placing it next to her. Upon her opening it up I could see all sorts of gadgets used to test the body and it's functions. "But I'm taking the rope out just in case."

The next thing I knew was a that there was a breeze in between my knees. I glanced down to see that me shorts were now at my feet. Well this is going to be fun.

For the next hour Bonnie and Clyde testing my body temperature, blood pressure, and measured my body. They even took a blood sample to which I whimpered to in order to keep my cover and because it hurt a little. Just as they were packing up the CO entered the room.

We're done on our end. What about the two of you?" He said with the same expression that a rock has.

"We are done here as well sir." Bonnie and Clyde answered in unison. "Though there are a few oddities." Clade continued scrunching his muzzle.

Their CO lifted a brow. "Oh?"

Clyde levitated the paper he had been writing on to his face. 'Well His body temperature is a bit high and his blood pressure is lower the average but that doesn't seem to be effecting him at all. 'Sure was a hectic day when my parents found that out. They almost gave me hypothermia trying to cool my temperature down to 'normal' levels.' "He is smaller then the average three year old." Yet but I'm more then twice their age...go figure. Other then that he appears to be healthy."

The CO opened his mouth to say something but Bonnie beat him to it. "His penis is larger then average. She bluntly stated. Both male ponies stared blankly at her. Hey look, she's talking about you, my pride and joy. Bonnie did not take their reaction well. "What? Oh come on it's not like that! I've been looking at human dicks and vaginas all day! I can't help it that I notice something like that after having to look at so many." Bonnie grumbled.

Clyde and the CO shot each other a glace before Clyde spoke "okay? But I don't think writing down 'bigger then average size dick is a good idea. It's good for him I guess but we should really draw any attention to it...unless you want some lonely mare to bother the owners so she could get some-"

"Quit the chitter-chatter. if you're done then let's be off. Do I need to remind you that we still have a few houses to do before we meet our quota for the day." The OC interrupted much to my dislike. It was getting to the good part and I need a ego boost.

Bonnie and Clyde broke away from their quarreling and saluted immediately. "Yes Sir!" they spoke in unison again. From there the two went about packing their things up. As for me I just stood there like an idiot, tilting my head from side to side. Bonnie finish packing and Clyde had all but one item already in his saddlebag. The paper was being held in front of him with is own magic. It seemed like he was unsure of something. "Sir? how do we proceed when we come across humans with oddities like this one?"

If any one of them had turned to look at me they might have seen me stiffen at Clyde's question. The CO scratched the back of his head right underneath his helmet. He sighed loudly. "Oh let's just leave it to the desk jockeys to decide. We already have enough on our plate." He turned and left without another word.  Bonnie was the second one to escape the room leaving Clyde with me without a second thought. I guess my junk bothered her or something. At least it isn't the opposite, I rather not have a mare that I'm not interested in try to ravage me.

Clyde on the other hoof was more friendly to me. Instead of ignoring me and leaving he trotted over to me and lifted my shorts back up with his magic. It's about time too, it was getting drafty down there. "Good boy, let's get you back to your owners." Clyde smiled at me tapping the floor in the manner one would do to get a dog to come to them.  I chirped and walked toward the pony all the while singing hallelujah within my mind. As much as I like getting poked and prodded by Equestria's finest I had other tings I could be doing.

Clyde lead me back to the other guards and family including Sweeper who must have returned while I was being examined. He and Badge were siting on the stairs while the CO was talking with our parents. The rest of the guard were lined up in front of the door. I mean literally lined up in front of the door single file. Shouldn't suspect any less from them. Badge called my name giving me the reason I needed to walk toward him unattended.

"Thank you for your corporation."  The OC bowed. "Alright, Royal Guards, let's roll out!" He commanded. In a matter of seconds the front door was opened, the Guards marched out and the door was shut behind them.

Silence passed over the room like a fog. All four of us stared at the door wandering if it would open again. I even thought I heard a gulp. Maybe it was me. "Well you don't see that everyday." Badge declared, breaking the spell. All at once everypony relaxed their bodies only now noticing that they had been tense. I even collapsed on the stairs just below my brothers.

"W-well we better get dinner started. It's about time for it anyway." Mom said. She was a little shaken about the whole ordeal. I could understand. One mistake, one mess up and who knows what they would do with me. Thankfully there was a remedy and it was in the form of my dad. He engulfed her in a heartfelt hug.

We could see the change instantly. Mom's body stopped quivering and she returned the hug. "I'll cook dinner tonight." Dad said sweetly. Mom nodded before nuzzling the dad's neck.

"Get a room you two."

Dinner was a basic Daisy sandwich for my quadruped family and a peanut butter and Jelly sandwich for me. The simplicity of the meal was not because my father had the inability to cook but because of recovering frayed nerves and a long day at work. It may not have been said but such a humble dinner was needed.

There was something amiss however. I may be young and unable to understand the complexities that come with being an adult but I could clearly she something weighing heavily on dad's mind. Apparently mom notice it too.  "Today I finished the sled order for Mr. Cane. It's an odd time to want such a thing but an order is an order." Mom giggled slightly into her hoof. "Maybe it's a special gift or something."

  Out of the corner of my eye I can see Sweeper looking down at his plate. His mane blocks my view of his face and expression. He knows something is wrong. Dad sits quietly eating his dinner. One ear is turned toward his wife so he can receive her words to their fullest.

Badge's face lights up. He catches on to what mom is doing but instead of pointing it out he does the opposite. "It could be that or he just wanted to get one in the off season when it doesn't cost as much."

"How bad is it?"

"That's true. Still, he is a little old to be sledding." Mom rubs her chin pondering the elusive reason for Mr. Cane's order. Personally, I can't believe the two of them or continuing on with this. In fact it's making the fact that something is wrong more apparent. Dad continues to eat his dinner albeit more slowly then before.

"How bad is it."

I hear my brother Sweeper mumble something but it is lost in the background of Badge and mom's conversation. Out of the corner of my eyes I see him raise his head. He's watching our family intensely. His eyes were bubbling with emotion, none of them good. I felt a chill down my spine for the moment he glanced at me. Something was about to break and it would not be pretty.

"HOW BAD IS IT!" Yelled Sweeper at the top of his lungs. Mom and Badge stopped immediately. "Don't you dare try to hide it! I'm not dumb, I know the guard's visit is going to cause us problems! I don't know how screwed we are but I know you guys do. So let me ask again. How. Bad. Is. It." Sweeper stared viciously at us, especially me.

The room was quite for a few seconds. Dad, seeming unaffected by Sweeper's outburst was the one to answer the question that Sweeper son nicely asked about. "The Royal guard were very thorough in their investigation. And if they aren't half-assing it they will eventually find the inconsistencies."

'Inconsistencies? what inconsistencies? How were ther-' then it hit me. I finally saw where this was going. The color drained from my face.

"They're going to match our paper work with the records of the place mom and dad got Luke from." Badge continued for dad. "they're going to see the difference which...well give them enough reason to investigate."

Sweeper's gaze lessened but only slightly. " So we need to move again?" He looked at dad silently demanding him to be the one to answer.

"Yes, Probably to another country too."

Immediately upon hearing those words the dam that held Sweeper's anger at bay broke. Sweeper slammed hid hoof down on the table with enough force to brake the plate that once held his sandwich. Me and the rest of the family stare wide eye at the plate then up to Sweeper. None of is knew what to say. Sweeper on the other hoof did. "Damn it! Why do we have to sacrifice so much for one being." Dad opened his mouth to say something but Sweeper so it to and intervened. "NO! No I will not stop. I have listened to you for far to long. Now it's time for me to speak." Sweeper let out a mighty huff. "We've given up way too much for him. More then we needed to. We could have just hidden him in a forest nearby and given him foodstuff when he needs it."

"There's no way I could survive out there with you just giving me food. Living outdoors takes more then that." I cut in. I had enough. I had sat back and let my family handle Sweeper's anger. No more.

Sweeper look at me with contempt. "Your species has been living off the environment for centuries, I'm sure you can adept to what your kind has been doing for since before you were born." He retorted. 'I sick of this. I'm sick of all of this. From now on I'm going to live for myself and not make sacrifices that I don't want. Away from dirty humans." With a burst of speed, Sweeper tore off into the hallway. The front door opened and slammed shut before any of us reach the kitchen door.

Dad somehow got in front of the rest of us and was cantering toward the door. "Wait!" Mother called out. Dad skidded to a stopped and turned to face mom. She placed a hoof on his cheek and kissed his head. The soft gentle kiss relaxed my dad. His tensed furrowed expression evaporated into subdued one. "You've been out and about since early this morning and you made dinner even after your long day. Let Badge and me look for Sweeper. You rest, ok?" Dad grumbled a yes after a few seconds of silence. "Badge? Let's look for Sweeper."

"Ok mom." he answered from besides me. He gave me a small smile then took off after mom. Dad and I watched them go. They spilt up and run In different directions. We continued to watch them until we could no longer see them.

Dad walked toward the kitchen saying he was going to clean up and I headed to my room. It had been a long day. All the anger I had for Sweeper had vanished into thin air. There are things I wanted to say but I as no longer in the mood too. Instead of thinking nasty thoughts toward I question why he hated me. Was there anything I could have done? Maybe I should have interacted with him more when we were younger. That could have prevented him from disliking humans so much. It's to late for that now and I just wanted to sleep.

It didn't take long for me to reach my bed or to land on top of it giving myself to it's softness. Soon enough I had drifted off to dream land. It was a wonderful dream. One with Humana and me, having a picnic in the moonlight. Just me, her and the mare on the moon.