Bunderbliss

(3.1)

The very first thought that Lee Morgan had once he heard the name, Rainbow Dash, was that he was somehow being pranked. Obviously, one of his buddies had come along, tampered with his reflecting pool, and rigged the invoice. It was all some sort of practical joke. Of course, it was also entirely possible that he had simply dialed the wrong number. So during the brief momentary silence, he looked back at the invoice, and brought his phone around to look at the number that he had dialed.

Damn! No such luck. It was the correct number, and he was just stuck with a smart-ass customer service rep.

"So uh, are you going to answer me?" The voice was rather gruff for a female, and he found it instantly irritating.

"Answer you about what?" he said, still trying to focus, unsure if he were hitting a dead end or not.

"I asked you your name. You do have one, don't you?"

"Right," he said. Maybe this could still be salvaged; it was entirely possible that he was talking to a company reject, and if he spoke slowly and ignored the antics, he would still get somewhere. "My name is Lee Morgan, I'm calling because I'm having a problem with one of your products."

There was a long pause, and Lee could hear some conversation going on in the background. Two, no make that three excited voices. Finally, the gruff Rainbow somebody came back on the line. "I'm told to tell you, 'On behalf of everyone here at Ponyville, we are excited to share in this historic and...' What now? Momentous? Right! 'This historic and momentous occasion.'"

"What the hell is Ponyville?"

"What do you mean, what's Ponyville? It's who you're calling, dude!"

"I thought you said your name was Rambo Nash."

"It's Rainbow DASH... and Ponyville is the place I'm at, standing by this box, talking to you."

"I'm not one to argue petty facts, sweetheart, but I happen to know for certain, that there is no such place as Ponyville, not now, not ever. Now are you going to stop playing around and put me through to my sales rep?"

"Listen here fella, I don't know what kind of joke you're playing, but you can take your crappy attitude and shove it up your ass."

For a split second, Lee thought about letting her have a long robust string of expletives, but settled instead for the atypical scoff and awe.

"Excuse me? I'm the one with the attitude?"

"Yeah, that's right! You're the one with the attitude pal, I'm just doing what I was told."

"So you were told to be a smart-ass? That's original, I've gotta say."

At this point, Lee was already gritting his teeth, and his jaw was beginning to ache.

"I think some-pony owes me an apology," Rainbow said.

"Apology my ass! I want to talk to your supervisor."

"I don't have a supervisor, I'm doing this as a favor. So I demand a little consideration here!"

"You know what, to hell with this. I'll try somebody else that actually seems to give a shit!"

By this point, Lee was already on his feet, and pacing the room. He ended the call, and let out a loud guttural man-yell, as he brought the cellphone up to his mouth and bit the bottom of it.

In Ponyville, Rainbow Dash heard the call end, and said, "Hello? Hey, jerk-wad?" Then turning to look at Twilight, she let out a frustrated scream, and slammed the earpiece back on the cradle.

"Moronic, ass-hat, bitch!" Lee shouted as he double checked the number on the invoice.

"Stupid, jerk-ass, fuck-head!" Rainbow Dash shouted as she paced the area of floor in front of the televox.

"Why me!?" Lee said.

"It's like the whole world—" Rainbow began.

"—is out to piss me off!" Lee concluded, doing his best to calmly re-type the number for the company.

Concerned about what was happening, Twilight Sparkle approached Rainbow Dash, and politely asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

"Some idiot from Cloudsdale is being a royal ass!" Rainbow said, as she continued to pace the floor, seething with apparent hostility. "Gods, I'm pissed. I haven't been this pissed off in months!"

"Just calm down, and try telling me what it was exactly that the pony said to make you so upset."

"He started in asking for some sales rep, and then proceeded to tell me that Ponyville wasn't a real place. When he started giving me attitude, I asked him to apologize, and he started going off the handle, asking for my supervisor, or some nonsense."

"Are you sure you were talking to someone from Cloudsdale?"

"Twilight, you would know better than me, you set up this televox system."

Scrutinizing the wall mounted box, Twilight rubbed her hoof across the bottom of her chin. "That's true, though, I can't imagine why in the world some-pony would want to start trouble like that the first time they use one of these."

"I'll tell you why: because they want to be a dick!"

"Rainbow Dash, that's not a nice thing to say," Twilight said, scolding her.

"Sorry, but if you'd talked to that guy, you'd be upset too."

"Just try and calm down," Twilight said. "I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for all this."

No sooner did she finish with her rationale, then the televox began ringing again. Frowning, Rainbow Dash stomped up to it, and took a quick deep breath. Maybe this time it was actually from Cloudsdale, or they finally got their act together.

"Yeah?" she said, cutting her eyes back at Twilight for confirmation that she was doing it right.

"Yes, I need to speak with someone in your export sales depar... wait a minute."

"You again!?"

"Aw, son of a bitch!"

"Listen here asshole, I've had enough of you and your stupidity. Either put someone on that knows what they're talking about, or get off and never call here again!"

"That's funny, I was just about to say the same thing to you, bitch!"

"Who are you calling a bitch? You lopsided dick-stain!"

"I... actually, that one was pretty good."

Growling deep in her throat, Rainbow said, "Please mister, you don't know what kind of week I've been having here, between your dumb ass, the fuck-ups at work, and the gods-damn gazing pool, I'm ready to strangle some-pony! Please give me a break!"

"Oh, boo-hoo. Cry me a river. At least your gazing pool isn't half filled with some sort of mysterious shiny goo for no damn reason, and don't even get me started on my work, precious."

"Don't even go there. I've been having nightmares about my gazing pool for weeks, as though I'm some kind of psychic or something," Rainbow Dash said, putting her free hoof on her flank defiantly. "I'm beginning to think my mind is going to snap like a worn out rubber band."

"Wait."

"What?"

"You've been having dreams about my gazing pool?"

"What?" Dash said. "No, I've been having dreams about my gazing pool. And how do you know it has shiny goo in the bottom?"

There was a long silence that passed. So deep, it sent waves of chills through Rainbow Dash's whole frame.

"Where are you?" Lee said, calmer, and more subdued.

"Who is this, really?" Rainbow Dash said, a slight waver to her voice.

"Is this Rare Earth Exports?"

"No. This is the post office in Ponyville."

"How do you know about the gazing pool?" Lee said.

"Because we have one partially constructed not two blocks away in the middle of town square."

"Uh, is... is it black volcanic glass?"

"Obsidian."

Looking out the window, Lee could still see the workers gathered around the gazing pool in his yard. One of them was holding a stick, and looking at the end of it. Obviously, they had resorted to poking at the liquid, and wouldn't be satisfied until something happened, or they blew themselves to smithereens.

Torn between his mysterious phone call, and the overly curious workers, he decided to put plans on semi-permanent hold until he could get some bottom line answers.

Hanging his head out the back door, he motioned for the foreman, and told him quietly, "I want you and your men to call it a day. I'm gonna contact the seller, and figure out what that is, so, uh... I'll call when I get more information. I've got someone on hold as we speak."

The foreman mumbled something under his breath and then proceeded to pass the orders off to his men.

"Are you still there?" The female voice was calmer, but sounded worried.

"Yes," Lee said. "I'm still here."

"So, if you're not in Cloudsdale, then where are you?"

"I'm not exactly sure what Cloudsdale is," he said going to the coffee pot for another cup of coffee. "I live in Texas."

"Is that far from Canterlot?

"I suppose so, since I've never heard of Canterlot. I've heard of Camelot, but it's just a made up kingdom from storybooks."

"I've been asked to ask you if you're using a televox." Rainbow said.

"Is that like a phone?"

"It's a wooden box with a doodad for the ear, and a place to talk into."

"Okay, yeah, a telephone. Yes, I'm using a telephone, but not an old fashioned one like that."

There was a pause, and suddenly a different voice came on the line. "What exactly do you mean by, 'old fashioned?'"

"Uh, who is this?" Lee asked taking a sip from his cup.

"Sorry, my name is Twilight. You were saying something about old fashioned?"

"Yes, we haven't used a phone system like that for decades."

"But, we just had them installed," Twilight said. "They're the latest invention. They're going to replace the quill and parchment!"

"Quill and parchment?" Lee suddenly had a strange thought occur to him. "What year are you living in?"

"It's the fifty-seventh year of the third celestial age," Twilight said.

Shaking his head to rattle his thoughts back into order, he said, "What planet are you living on?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"What's he saying," Rainbow Dash said, trying to worm her ear next to Twilight's to better listen.

"I'm testing a theory," Lee said.

"This is planet Earth."

"Well, there goes the theory of alien communications," he said, slouching back on his couch.

"You mean like, foreigners?"

"Not really. One more question. What country do you live in?"

"We live in the kingdom of Equestria," Twilight said, proudly.

Shaking his head, Lee said, "Wow, you people must have some kind of affinity for horses."

"What do you mean?"

"So far, I've heard a Ponyville mentioned, and now an Equestria. What's the deal with that?"

"Well, we are ponies after all. I guess we'd have names that reflected that culture."

"Seriously? You're a pony?"

"Why does that surprise you? Of course we are. What are you?"

"I'm a human."

"H'yoomen... like the mythical creatures?" Twilight was instantly calculating in her head. "That's not possible, h'yoomens are just fantasy."

"I'm definitely a human," Lee said.

"This is so strange."

"Oh, don't worry about that. Strange is what I do for a living. I love strange."

"Give me the thing!" Lee heard over the line, then Rainbow Dash cutting in. "You're not a pony?"

"Not since the last time I looked in the mirror, doll-face."

"So like you're talking to me from another planet?"

"Maybe," Lee said, adjusting himself on the couch. "It's not entirely outside the realms of the impossible, but I've gotta say that I never thought it would happen while I was sober enough to remember it."

"Heh, you and me both." Doing her best to completely ignore Twilight, Rainbow Dash asked, "So how do you think this happened, jerk-wad?"

"Still with the names?"

"I'm still mad at you."

"All right, I'm sorry for calling you a bitch, and all that other stuff. I figured for sure I was getting punked out by my friends or something." Letting out a huge sigh, Lee ran through some quick considerations. "I honestly have no clue. If you really are from a planet called Earth, and yet you live in a fledgling phone using society, and you're a pony to boot, then you must be from an alternate world."

"Maybe this is magic," Dash said, offering a new fresh angle on the process.

"That's possible, but so far as I know, I'm not magical, nor do I own a magical phone."

"Magic is pretty common place here in Equestria," she said, shoving Twilight away, who, upon hearing the word magic, instantly had her interest piqued.

"I'm just trying to wrap my head around how I can speak your language."

"This is so, weird. I mean, you're understanding Equestrian."

For a few seconds, during a sudden silence, Lee began calculating the situation. If this was real, and he was always willing to believe in the impossible; whether they be ghosts, or Elvis, or Pennywise the murdering clown—there had to be a rational reason for how this was happening.

"Are you still there?" Rainbow asked.

"Still here," Lee said. "I'm just thinking about how a connection like this could have happened."

"Beats me. Outside of some magical spell, then I'm clueless."

"Has anything out of the ordinary happened there?" Lee inquired.

"Like, oh, I don't know... an obsidian gazing pool suddenly holding gooey shimmery water?"

"When did you get the gazing pool installed?"

"It showed up here a few days ago from some museum."

"That's about the same time mine arrived, but the workers didn't have the bottom half completed until this morning. I saw the bottom of it holding liquid, and since there was no rain, and the bottom wasn't sealed with anything to fill the gaps between the obsidian, I sort of freaked and attempted to call the people that sold it to me."

"So the gazing pool has something to do with you talking to me right now?"

"It's the simplest explanation," Lee said. "Complicated situations don't necessarily have complicated solutions."

"That sounds like something, Twilight would say. Speaking of which, she wants to ask you a question."

"Sure, let 'er rip."

"Hi, Twilight Sparkle again. I'm just curious as to how you can be so calm about all this. I mean, we may have accidentally stumbled upon the first ever communication between worlds. Doesn't that make this historic or something?"

"Honestly, I'm a huge proponent of the multiverse theory. And, if the truth be told, I was actually hoping that you were aliens from another planet in the universe, not talking ponies. Though that is still cool, don't get me wrong. Just not what I'd always wanted to happen."

"So, you're not about to stroke out from sheer excitement?" Twilight asked, breathing heavy.

"I've had three cups of coffee this morning, and I'm about to go brew another pot. My excitement is matched and superseded by my overabundance of caffeine intake."

"Sorry about that," Rainbow said, coming back on the line. "She's kind of excitable sometimes."

"You said that you have been dreaming about the gazing pool?"

"For a while now," Rainbow confessed. "At first I thought that maybe I was just overworked, you know, that maybe it was stress, or something. Then they started happening more and more often."

"Now see, that's odd," Lee said, moving through his kitchen with the used coffee filter from his pot in hand. "I haven't had any kind of dream about the gazing pool."

"I'm not psychic."

"There's a lot going on that we don't have answers for."

"Maude says that her professor is gonna show up in a couple of days and examine the pool, maybe he can tell us something about it."

"Who's, Maude?"

"Maude Pie, she's the pony that showed up with the pieces of the thing, and she's been working on the reconstruction. She's like the biggest rock nut in the galaxy."

"Where exactly did your ancient pool come from," Lee asked, carefully pouring a heaping scoopful of coffee grounds into a fresh filter.

"Somewhere near the Saddle Arabian boarder," he heard Twilight shout in the background. Guess she was still listening in.

"Mine came from Crete. I guess that doesn't help."

"So, what now?"

"I don't know. I suppose we can see which of us is brave enough to go touch the shiny goo."

"Yeah, the hell with that," Rainbow said, pushing on Twilight. "Gods, Twilight, you're hanging on me like a heated mare."

"Can I ask him?" Twilight was all but wringing her hooves together. "You've been using the televox so much already, I think I deserve a turn talking to the h'yoomen."

"We're talking about important things," Rainbow said, holding her hoof out. "You just want to conduct some sort of sick experiment."

"What's that about, experiments?"

"Twilight wants to ask you some questions."

"Put her on," Lee said, watching as the black water began pouring from the top of the pot into the glass carafe.

"Lee, right? Is it true that your kind are wild woodland creatures that prey on smaller animals for their flesh and fur? Oh, and are you warm blooded? Does your kind lay eggs, or do you give birth to live young? What is your reproductive cycles like?"

"Okay, that's enough. For fuck's sake!" Shoving Twilight back, Rainbow Dash gave her a deathlike glare, and held her at arms length. "I am so sorry about that. I told you she was bonkers."

"You said, excitable."

"You don't know the half of it," Rainbow said. "If she has her way, you'd be strung out on a small table and she'd be poking at you in various holes until you released all your kind's deepest and darkest secrets."

"She doesn't do anal probes, does she?"

"What?"

"Never mind. It was a bad joke." Stretching his back, and rotating his shoulders to relieve them, Lee paced his kitchen. He considered going over to the window and checking that the work crew had left, but knew it would be a wasted effort; they were no doubt long gone by now.

"So, what do we do?"

"I wish I knew. This connection may not last forever, so maybe your friend Twilight has the right idea. Maybe we should learn as much about each other's world as we can, while we can."

"What did you have in mind?" Rainbow asked, growing slightly excited.

"Tell me about yourself. How old are you? What do you do? What's your Ponyville like?"

"Uh... wow, I'm kinda put on the spot here."

"How so?"

"Suddenly, I'm realizing that I'm talking to someone from another world," Dash told him. "I'm kind of worried I'm gonna do it wrong."

"That's very uncool thinking," Lee said, pretending to scold her. "Where's that fire from earlier that was ready to blitz my shit?"

"Oh, well... I work in Cloudsdale at the weather factory. I'm twenty-six years old." Swallowing hard, Rainbow Dash asked, "What about you?"

"I'm thirty-seven, I work at home."

"What do you look like?" Lee asked.

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash could feel heat building around her face. It wasn't like her to get embarrassed, and she didn't know why she did so now. It was stupid. "I'm a pony... duh."

"Are you short, or tall?"

"Depends on who you ask. I stand about two and a half cubits tall."

A cubit? Damn, it was going to take some memory jogging. If he remembered his measurements right, a cubit was the length of measurement from the elbow to the middle finger. But, on a pony that could be drastically different. A common cubit was eighteen inches, and an Egyptian long cubit was about twenty inches. So if he was anywhere near accurate, she was about three and a half to four feet tall.

"What else?"

"Why does it matter what I look like?" she asked.

"I want to be able to picture you."

"My coat is blue, but not dark blue. It's light, like my mother's; like the sky. And my mane is different colors."

"Like a rainbow."

"Yeah... like a rainbow."

Suddenly, a horrible static began to be heard, and Rainbow Dash cupped her hoof to her ear to listen. "Lee?"

"Hello? Rainbow Dash?" Checking the cell phone, Lee could see all bars.

"Lee can you hear me? Something's wrong!"

Before she could say another word, the static became unbearable, and then silence.

"Oh, no! I think we've lost him!"

"Quick, go and check the pool!" Twilight said.

Speeding from the post office, Rainbow Dash streaked to the center of town, and screamed in horror.

"Maude, STOP!"