Bunderbliss

(3.2)

There wasn't anything wrong with the cell phone, and there wasn't anything obstructing the signal, as best as he could tell. Nevertheless, something was definitely wrong. Every second that passed seemed to drag on slower. Hurriedly, Lee slipped into his house shoes and bolted from the back door of his kitchen, stumbling around the leftover construction tools and equipment, until he was facing the gazing pool.

Keeping the phone pressed to his ear with one hand, he knelt down next to the basin of the pool, and gazed in. The strange liquid was still there, and as it was the first time he saw it.

"Hello? Rainbow Dash, are you there? If you are... something's happened, and I can't hear you anymore."

Bringing the phone around once more, he checked the display. Good, the timer was still counting; which meant he was still connected to a call.

Looking back down at the shiny goo in the bottom of the gazing pool, Lee stared at the substance hard, thinking about every possible reason why reaching in would be a bad idea.

One, one-thousand...

Reaching in and tickling the goo isn't going to work.

Two, one-thousand...

Shut up! You don't know that. It's speculation!

Three, one-thousand...

What's it going to be? It's the moment of truth.

Bringing his free hand back, Lee squeezed his eyes shut.

"Lee, can you hear me?"

Catching himself, Lee stopped his hand from hitting the goo by centimeters, letting out a small guttural yell. "Yeah, I'm here."

"Thank the gods," Twilight said. "For some reason, the signal just went silent. I guess Rainbow Dash fixed whatever it was."

"Yeah, I guess so," Lee said, falling back onto his butt in the yard, and letting out a long held breath. "I thought we got cut off, and this was the end of our intergalactic communication."

In the background, he could hear Rainbow Dash as she burst through the door of the post office and began explaining to Twilight what was happening, though, there was a lot that he couldn't make out.

"What's she saying?"

"Here, let her tell you," Twilight offered, as she fell silent, and Rainbow replied.

"Like I was telling Twilight; I went to the gazing pool to see if anything might have happened to it, and guess what... Maude was trying to take the damn thing apart."

"What?"

"Yeah, she already had three of the obsidian pieces pulled from the edge of the basin, and was about to toss them back onto the pile of other pieces when I hit her like a freight train." Chuckling to herself, Dash said: "That is one tough pony, let me tell you. She thought I was a some kind of molester or something, cause she started sending those hooves flying. I took a punch to the face before she realized it was me."

"Damn. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. I've been hit before, though, I am still kind of seeing stars."

After a momentary pause, while Lee made his way back into his house, he asked, "So, what do we do now?" He figured it was best not to mention that he was almost stupid enough to plunge his hand into his gazing pool.

"I guess we continue the questions, if you want."

"I'm good with that."

"So..." Dash said, propping herself against the wall next to the televox.

"So," Lee said, dropping his house shoes off at his back door, and walking through his kitchen. "Who goes first?"

"What were we talking about?"

"You were describing yourself to me," Lee told her, as he plopped back down on his couch. "You were just about to tell me how pretty you were."

"I was not!" Rainbow Dash said, almost squeaking with a sudden rush of embarrassment.

"Oh come now; azure coat, rainbow mane... you sound like a knock-out."

"Pfft! Yeah right! I bet you don't even know what a pony looks like."

"There are ponies on my world, so I know. And some of them are quite beautiful."

"Really? You have ponies there?"

"Yeah, but they're not as advanced as you are."

"How so?"

"Well, they don't really talk, and they don't have any sort of society. They're all meadow dwellers and what-not."

"That's too bad, because here, ponies rule!"

"So, are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Pretty."

"I'm not going to answer that," Rainbow said, fidgeting uncomfortably. "Though I could lie to you; it's not like you can see me."

"No lies, I want the truth. Am I talking to a hottie? Are all the boy ponies lining up to take you out on a date?"

"No, and sadly, no. I'm not on any-pony's radar in that regard."

For a second, Lee felt guilty asking such a pressing question, but offered to sooth over the awkwardness. "You want to know what I look like?"

"Sure."

"I'm uh, let me think, about four and a half cubits tall."

"Geez, you must hit your head on a lot of doorways," Dash observed.

"No, not as many as you'd think. I'm also, slightly dark skinned; I don't have a coat, and, my hair or mane is black."

"What about you?" Rainbow said, cupping her hoof over the mouthpiece. "Are you pretty... er, uh, handsome?"

"I've been told that I'm ruggedly handsome."

"Moving on," Dash said.

"You can tell your friend, Twilight, that I'm an omnivore. I eat both vegetables and meat."

"You do? You don't eat ponies, do you?"

"I'm pretty sure that pony doesn't taste good, so no, we don't eat ponies. Just other defenseless creatures."

"That's terrible!" Dash said. "You actually kill little animals and eat them?"

"I don't. Our meat is processed somewhere else, and comes packaged. Though, you're right, animals are killed for our food. It's the circle of life here; can't help it."

Rainbow stuck her tongue out at the thought of eating flesh. "Well stop it!"

"Sorry, I need to live. Meat provides the best source of protein for my kind."

"Gross. Let's talk about something else."

"Okay. You mentioned that you work at a weather factory. What does that mean?"

"I work at the weather factory, where the weather is made."

"You're making that up," Lee said, chuckling. "No one makes the weather. It's a naturally occurring meteorological process."

"Not on my world," Rainbow Dash said. "We make everything from rain to rainbows."

"Let me guess. Magic, right?"

"Kind of, though pegasus ponies aren't known for having much magic."

"Wait... did you just say, pegasus?"

"Yeah."

"Who's a pegasus?"

"I am dumb-ass."

"You kind of neglected to mention that when you were describing yourself," Lee said with a huff to his voice.

"Well, forgive me. Hi, I'm Rainbow Dash. I'm a blue pegasus pony. Ya' happy now?"

"And you can fly?"

"Well, duh."

"Are you flying right now?"

"That's dumb. No, I'm not flying right now. I have my hooves firmly planted on the floor."

"Oh. Speaking of being a pegasus; you haven't by any chance met a dude named, Bellerophon have you?"

"Bellero... wha?"

"He's just some really old mythical dude that once rode a pegasus into godly warfare."

"Sounds like a doofus. Pegasus ponies don't wear saddles."

"Really?"

"They obstruct the use of our wings."

"So I guess you giving me a ride is out of the question?"

"You're bigger than me; you'd squish me flat if I tried to put you on my back." Then after a second, she said, "We're not talking about that kind of ride, Twilight. Get your mind out of the gutter! Stop laughing, Ditzy!"

"Are you surrounded by a bunch of ponies listening in?" Lee asked.

"Yes, they won't go away."

"Trying to keep me all to yourself, huh."

Blushing, Rainbow said, "I'm just talking because..."

"You think humans are cool."

"In your dreams. H'yoomens are strange. I'm just finishing what I started."

There was a short silence, and when she came back on the line, Rainbow Dash was talking as though she were strained.

"So, what's up?" Lee asked her.

"Uh, I sort of need to go. I've had coffee this morning, and the little filly's room is calling to me."

"I think I'll take a short intermission as well," Lee said. "I'm working on my second pot of coffee after all."

"Be back in a few minutes," Dash said then hurried away from the televox, but not before gently laying the mouthpiece on the top of the wooden box.

Taking this as an opportunity to get undressed, and into some better clothes for the day, Lee sprinted off. The first thing he needed to do was relieve himself, then grab something to wear. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he still had other pressing things to attend to, as much as he would like to sit on the phone talking to ponies.

Hastily slipping into an over sized tee-shirt, and his best jeans with holes, he checked to make sure that his stubble wasn't beyond the point of needing a shave, and traipsed back to the kitchen, where he eyed the still half-full pot of coffee.

Better not. Anymore of that and I'm liable to fly off into outer space.

The cell phone was still where he left it, and he picked it up; holding it to his ear. There wasn't anyone on the line yet.

Sitting down behind his desk, he looked over the contents. He wasn't sure how long it took for ponies to go to the bathroom, and for all he knew, Rainbow Dash would need to leave the post office to go, so that bought him some time to check into something.

Bringing up the browser on his computer, Lee typed in, "portals to other worlds" in the search field.

The first in the list of results was for an article about gaming. The rest were for nonsense things like: Portals to the world of flowers, or the inevitable answers page from Yahoo, where some schmuck asks if there is life on the other side of a portal.

As far as Lee was concerned, the answer was yes. There was life across the gulf. But, that wasn't what he was after. In fact, he wasn't exactly sure what he was hoping to find.

One interesting result, was a blog article about portals, called The Speculative Life. It didn't seem too deep, but did mention Ray Bradbury's novel, The Veldt. Interesting, but probably not applicable. Rainbow Dash didn't seem to be speaking from a virtual reality simulation where wishes manifest.

Collapsing back in his chair, he let out a short quick sigh, and brought the back of his free hand to his face to rub away some of the left over exhaustion from his eyes.

"He.. hello?"

At first the voice reminded Lee of a small bird. It was quiet, but not overly quiet.

"Hellooo-o? Is any-pony there?"

"I'm here," Lee finally said. "Who is this?"

"I... I... well, they told me to wait. My name is Ditzy Doo, I'm the assistant postmaster."

"Is that really your name?"

"Yes, it's my name. Why? Don't you like it?"

"It's cute," Lee said.

"You... really think so?"

"Sure," Lee said, bringing his phone around to check the power. He still had plenty. "So, you're the boss there, huh?"

"Oh, no, I'm just the assistant. I handle the in-office sorting."

"I see. Must be a hard job."

"I manage okay," she said.

"So what do you think about all this talking with a human from another world? It's got to be exciting, right?"

"It sure is," she said, getting louder. "Why, the other day, when they were installing this televox thingy, there were more ponies here than the building could handle. I thought we were going to be over capacity."

"How many ponies live in, Ponyville? What's the population?"

"Uh... now let me think," Ditzy said. "There's three hundred and six."

"That's everyone?"

"Uh-huh. That's all the pegasus ponies, the earth ponies, and the unicorn ponies in the same census."

"Whoa, wait a minute. You said, 'unicorn.'"

"Yes."

"Well, I suppose that makes sense, since there are pegasus ponies there on your world."

"I'm a pegasus pony, too," Ditzy offered.

"Really, now? And what about the other one, uh... Twilight."

"She's a unicorn pony. She has magic, the rest of us don't really."

"I don't believe that," Lee told her. "As far as I'm concerned, pegasus ponies are magical."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because there aren't any on my world."

"Why not?"

"They're a myth. Either that or they just went extinct too long ago for anybody to remember them."

"That's awful," Ditzy said. Then suddenly, "Oh, she's coming back, I'd better get off of here now."

"It was very nice talking with you Ditzy Doo," Lee said. "I enjoyed it very much."

"Thank you! You're very nice for a h'yoomen. I don't think you'd eat me too much."

"Not too much," he agreed. "But maybe just a little."

Squealing out a giggle, Ditzy had the mouthpiece taken from her, and Rainbow Dash came back on. "Okay, what have you done to Ditzy, you bastard?"

"Not much. I just used my awesome mental powers to turn her into my eternal slave. She will now do my bidding there... beware! BEWARE!"

"You are so full of shit!"

"Speaking of which," Lee said, musing. "How long does it take a pony to go to the bathroom anyway? You were gone for ever."

"What are you keeping a journal?"

"That's actually not a bad idea at all," Lee said, snapping his finger. "I should totally write this crap down. Preserve this historic stuff for future generations."

"You are not going to chronicle how long it takes me to piss. That's outrageous, gross, and disgusting."

"Wha...? No! I'm talking about our basic interaction, not your pee-pee."

"Can we get back to our conversation? I thought up some questions for you."

"Oh, good. By the way, does your friend, Twilight have some for me?"

"Probably an unending amount, but for right now, she's back at her house doing what she always does when strange situations arise here in Ponyville."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"She's reading about it." Laughing to herself, while shaking her head, Dash said: "if we're really lucky, her reading could last hours, or days."

"Well then, I'm all yours. Fire away!"

There was something odd about the way she heard him say that. Was he to really mean that he was all her's in the sense that she could do with him as she wanted. And for that matter, what would she do with him, if she had him? What would she do if she could get her hooves on him? There was a rush of heat around her neck, and the world's sounds seemed lost to her intense thoughts. Standing at the televox, thinking of her very own h'yoomen.

"Right," she finally stammered out. "The first question I have is this. What do you do for a job? You know I work at the factory, so what is it that you do?"

"I'm a writer," he said flatly. "I write crime novels for a living."

There could have been a million things that he could have told her, and a million variations on those million things, and she doubted that she would have been any more surprised by that answer.

"You're a writer?" she pressed. "Really?"

"Really," he said, chuckling to himself. “I'm a writer. Why, do you like to read?”

“I'm not the biggest book reader in the world, but I do have a few favorites.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Like the Daring Do book series!” Rainbow Dash gushed. “Oh, my gosh! Those are like the greatest books ever written, I've followed A. K. Yearling for the past half dozen books!”

“A. K. Yearling?”

“She's only the greatest ever!”

“You do realize that by saying that, you're throwing me under the rails.”

“Well, that's not to say that you're not a good writer too, but c'mon... how many of your books have I actually read?”

“Fair enough,” Lee said.

“Besides, I'm not too sure that crime fiction would be a good fit for me, anyway.”

“Why not?”

“I'm too rough and tumble. This girl likes her epic adventures with snake pits, and temple traps, and dungeons, and villains.”

“Hahaha... sounds like you'd be right at home with, Indiana Jones then.”

“Who is that?”

“Some treasure-hunter-adventurer that finds himself in dungeons, and temples, and traps and whatnot.”

“Don't get me wrong, I like to read about a good male lead, but I relate more to female heroines.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Lee said. “There are plenty of strong female adventure characters in my world, though at the moment, only Laura Croft comes to mind.”

“Who is she?”

“She's a treasure hunter, whose image was nearly destroyed by a certain whack-job actress a few years back.”

There was a momentary silence, and Lee cleared his throat. “So are you going to ask me more?”

“Oh, right. Uh... what are h'yoomens like?”

“Hmm... sudden change of topic. Uh, well. Humans are the top of the food chain here on my world. We're the primary sentient beings, so everything else is usually bent and twisted to our will. If we don't have enough to do with ourselves, we'll even get in each other's business and start trying to dominate ourselves.”

“So, you're like a bunch of warriors?”

“Oh hell no. There are too many pacifists these days, and everyone just wants to sit at home on their ass and smoke pot while spouting peace, love, and brotherhood.”

“So then you're peaceful.”

“I wouldn't say that either.”

“So which is it?”

“People, or humans for the most part have evolved intellectually over the past few centuries, but that's not to say that our leaders aren't still power hungry fuckheads that will jealously guard their own against any and all forms of strange.”

“Meaning, what?”

“That while you may be able to have a conversation with me, and not be suspicious about my possible treachery—humans on the other hand, see treachery and deception everywhere.”

“That's kind of sad. Why do you think that is?”

“The world is just too small for us all. We're a sociable race that wants to be together, but when we get too close to one another we hate the fact that everyone else thinks differently than the way we do.”

“New question.”

“Shoot.”

“What kind of place do you live in?” Rainbow said. “Meaning, what sort of place do h'yoomens live?”

“We live in houses. We like to stay dry. Warm in the winters and cold in the summers. I currently live in the country, a few miles from the city.”

“Is it a big city?”

“I wouldn't call Huntsville a big city. But, it's not far from Houston, which is one of the biggest cities in the whole country.”

“How many h'yoomens are in that city?”

“Huntsville has a population of over thirty thousand. Houston has a population of over two million.”

There was a long silence, and Lee had to wonder if perhaps he'd lost the signal. “Rainbow Dash? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I'm here. That's a lot of h'yoomens. And to think that you're a myth here.”

Over the next several hours, the two of them talked about politics, religion, and the differences in their social norms, and abnorms. The whole time, Rainbow Dash fell into a lull of familiarity; unconcerned with the hands of time, of fate, or the future.

Eventually, her dream-like state was jarred when Lee announced that it was time for him to call it a day.

"You mean... we have to stop talking?" she asked, all but panic stricken.

"Well, we certainly can't talk all night," Lee said. "You mentioned that you have work in the morning, and my agent is going to skin my ass if I don't get him his precious review."

"But... what if we hang up, and then we can't... What if it isn't the pools! What if we never speak to each other again!?"

"I don't think we have to worry about that," Lee said. Doing his best to reassure her. "I hung up on you earlier, remember? And I was able to call back. I have no reason to think that I won't be able to call you back tomorrow."

"When tomorrow?"

"Just as soon as you get off work," he said. It had already been established, that they operated on a similar time structure, and that they were only different by an hour or two at best.

"Okay. As soon as I get off work. Not one second later!"

"You have my word," Lee said. "Now, go get something to eat, and go to sleep."

"What do I do to end a conversation?"

"You say, 'goodbye.'"

"I don't want to."

"How about, goodnight, then?"

"Okay, fine. Goodnight, Lee Morgan."

"Goodnight, my little pony."