Chapter 5 (1/3)

                                                     Chapter 5 - Two and a Half Psychopaths

My head felt groggy. I peeled my eyes open to be met with a wall of darkness. I blinked myself awake, and tried to turn my head to look around. I grumbled. I could feel straps on my head and arms and legs.

"Where am I?" I asked out loud, hoping someone would hear me. I regretted that immediately, as a light above my head shot on, and a soft, small light bathed over me, doing little to light the dark room around me.

"Oh good, you are awake! I worried I gave you too much of the drug. You were out for five whole days, Twilight is super worried and mad, but I can keep a secret so were good." A cheery voice said. Pinkie Pie stepped out of the shadows. She was wearing a chicken costume. I knew it! This frosting girl is a demented psychopath and now she is going to tan me and make me into a carpet! I had studied a bit of abnormal psychology, only having just started reading books on it, so I took what I thought was the proper approach to dealing with a mental patient.

"Oh! Hi Pinkie!" I said, faking super happy grin.

"Hiya Herbert!" She said, seeming like she was competing with my smile for dominance. I lessened it a little, hoping to avoid upsetting her

"I'm happy to see you Pinkie. Say, why am I strapped down?"

"Because I strapped you down, silly!" I was about to give her a deadpan stare, but I was worried that might upset her. I knew better than to press an issue with someone who has power over me, so I changed the subject. From what I've gathered about her, I knew that she enjoys having fun and playing games, along with making random ponies have sex with each other. I learned a few weeks later that that was all a misunderstanding. I don't think I will be writing that story down though.

"So Pinkie, what are we going to do? Will it be fun?" I was nervous, but I was in drama club in seventh grade and a bit of practice in acting out emotions.

"Oh yes, the funnest thing ever!" She reached behind her and pulled out one of those carts you see in hospitals. It was tall and had a white cloth covering its contents. Oh God, what is that?

"Oh, that sounds great, I love having fun with you Pinkie Pie. So what is on the cart?"

"These!" She said with a big grin. She pulled the cloth off to reveal three differently sized dildos, a strap on with two different detachable ends, a ball gag, and a book titled "Fifty shades of Pink". I gasped. Oh God, not like this! I don't want it to end like this. Or... you know what, fine! Bring it on! Pinkie Pie was obviously as surprised as I was, as a look of shock and fear plastered her face.

"Oh my goodness, I'm sorry Herbert! This is the wrong cart, please don't be mad!" She was breathing heavily, pushing the cart back into the darkness. A few moments later, she came back with another cart.

"Don't worry; I checked this one to be sure it was the right one. Now, let try this again." She pulled the cloth off the cart to reveal an assortment of cupcakes.

"Cupcake testing! I wasn't going to use those toys on you, unless you... oh never mind! Let’s get started." I was slightly less worried by this, but was still convinced she was insane.

"So Pinkie, is this the kind of thing you usually do with other ponies?"

"Nope! But you aren't a pony, or a citizen yet. So that means I can do whatever I want. I wish it was that easy with everyone else... Oh well!" Not a citizen? Oh crap, I got no rights man! I'm like a black man in old Mississippi, or a homo in Russia. I spent the next two minutes scolding myself while Pinkie sorted through her set of cupcakes.

"So, why am I tied down?"

"Because you don't like cupcakes." She said, groaning after words like she was going to be sick.

"Are you okay?"

"Oh I'm fine; it is you I'm worried about. How do you survive without a daily cupcake?"

"Pinkie, I have a question. Is it nice to force your beliefs and opinions down other people’s throats?"

"No, it isn't, Why?"

"Pinkie! That is exactly what you are doing! Literally!"

"But cupcakes are good! I just need to prove it to you."

"No Pinkie, cupcakes are good to you! What is true for you might not be true for everyone else. Why not respect the personal space of others, and their ideas as well." She turned to me, silent. She sat on the floor, obviously deep in thought.

"Wow, Herbert, I'm so sorry, I wish I had realized that before bringing you down here. Twilight is going to be so upset with me. I hope you aren't mad at me to." If only humans learned to respect others as easy as this... Oh well… If whoever is reading wonders what an atheist is, don’t worry about it, it’s nothing too big.

"Pinkie, I'm not upset with you, never think that okay?" You know, every once in a while I say something stupid and I'm not sure why. This was one of those times. It definitely cheered her up; she looked at me smiling, sniffing a bit.

"Thanks Herbert, I hope you and I become best friends when Twilight doesn't need you anymore." Worded a bit strange, but everything she does is a bit strange so I let it slide.

"Pinkie?"

"Huh?"

"Can you please untie me?"

"Oh yeah! Silly me." She pulled on the straps with her teeth, undoing them.

"Thanks. Now, how long have I been down here?"

"Oh, you’ve been down here for about five days or so. Why?"

"Five days? Wow, how is Twilight doing? You said she was upset?" I was rubbing my wrists, leaning against the table."

"Mostly, she’s annoyed. Apparently, since you’re an assignment from the princess, losing you is like letting the princess down, and that’s the scariest thing in the world to her.” Well, she did send her fucking sister to the moon… I wonder just how evil she might be. “She has been looking for you every day. I haven't been able to pay attention that much because I needed to keep an eye on you. If you woke up all alone in the dark, you would have gotten scared." Oh yeah, I sure am glad that didn't happen. I wouldn’t want to be scared…

"Well Pinkie, I would sure love to stay here and talk to you, but I think it would be best for me if I went to show her I'm okay.

"Oh yeah... I guess you are right."

"You should come with me. She will want to hear what you have to say." She brightened at first, but slowly deflated as I finished that sentence.

"Yeah... Let’s get going Herbert." She led me through the dark basement to the staircase. We walked up the stairs and I found myself in a pink walled house.

"I take it this is your home?"

"Mhm." We walked through what appeared to be a living room, and exited the two story household. We walked through Ponyville, and I immediately noticed the ponies giving me worried looks.

"Uh... Pinkie? Why are these ponies giving me odd looks?"

"Oh yeah, you have been gone for five days and Twilight has been turning up the town looking for you." As I'm writing this, I notice that Pinkie says things along the lines of Yeah and Yes and Yep a lot. I wonder if this could be a sign of some previously undetected nervousness, or insecurity. I will look into that. And I mean I will. I'm not going to die in a hole like a rat, I will be free. But I need to stop referencing my current predicament.

We arrived at Twilight's Library, and didn't even make it to the door when a window shattered above head and a purple blur landed on my face. I hit the ground pretty hard and went unconscious.

God damn it, how many times have I been knocked out? I wasn't even awake for a full hour that time. I'm going to get fat pretty soon. I kind of was out of shape already, but I was in denial.

"Good morning Herbert." Fuck, it is morning already? Why can't I wake up an hour after being knocked out? Wait who's talking? I raised my aching head to see Twilight, with a inexpressive frown on her face.

"Why the long face Twilight?" I cracked, grinning at the joke.

"That wasn't funny, and this is no time for stupid jokes. I've been thinking, now that you are back, and I've decided you're not going out anymore without me personally escorting you. I'm going to be setting some rules for you, and breaking any of them will result in a reduction of how much you are fed. Any questions?"

"Yeah, one thing: Don't I get a say?"

"No. Anything else?"

"No."

"Excellent. Now, your books are right here, I left them undisturbed, you just read, I'm going to help some visitors check out a few books. If you need anything, you have two legs, and those hands. I'll be visiting you tonight to discuss new rules I'm putting on you while you are in my care." Shit, I didn’t even do anything to piss her off this time… Well, maybe I can work around it… If I can’t I’ll have to deal with being treated… less than satisfyingly.

"Alright then Twilight, have a good day. I’ll be seeing you later I suppose." So there I was, once again nothing more than an experiment trapped in a cage. I sat in the bed and kept reading on how sections of the brain tied into the manipulation of magic.

The rest of my time was uneventful, I was exercising and reading and philosophizing about the world around me and about myself when Twilight came in with a short list behind her.

"That is the shortest list I've ever seen you with, what is the special occasion?"

"Rule one: No comments that are intended to be cruel, whether it is a slightly mean joke or antagonizing the hurt feelings of others, I don't to find you messing with the heads of any of my little ponies." I suppose that is a fair rule. I see Twilight is working harder to keep her 'prisoner' in line.

"You are not a prisoner Herbert, you are a test subject. However, I'm glad you think my rules are fair."

"Not a prisoner? I'm being held in a enclosed space against my- wait... did I say that?"

"Rule two: All of your thoughts shall now be monitored by me, and all rules apply to your thoughts." I lost it at that point.

"Twilight, I really think it would be in your best interest if you redacted that rule right now..." A look of amusement crossed her face.

"Oh? Is that a threat Herbert? Do you realize how relaxed I'm being with you? I even spend time with you every day, reading books and joking with you. I want to be friends with you Herbert, but I need to put what the princess ordered me to do first." Humans do not commit themselves to the will of other creatures except by force or by loyalty. You have earned a small amount of my loyalty, though I will be treated with respect. However, I will not tolerate the monitoring of my inner most thoughts, and if you continue to monitor my thoughts, I will punish you in a manner I see fit.

"And just how will you do that? Physical harm?" Physical? No, Twilight. I have been subjected to horrible things, and I can share those things with you through my thoughts. I have seen the death of the ones I love by my own hands tens of times, and I hear their cries in my dreams. Not as much as before, but if driving myself to insanity again will keep you out of my mind, it is a sacrifice I am prepared to make. That has to be the most clichéd, douche, stupid and non-threatening thing I’ve ever used as an attempt to intimidate others.

"Herbert, you will refrain from threatening me, and I will continue to monitor your thoughts. This is not-negotiable. I am not only monitoring you to enforce rules, but to record how humans think." You are violating me Twilight, I have not felt this kind of disgrace in years.

"I won't let you change my mind Herbert, now this discussion is over."

"Oh Twilight, one last thing."

"Yes, Herbert?"

"Yesterday, when Pinkie and I were coming to your house, something purple hit me in the face and I passed out." Her ears were drooping as I finished that sentence, and her face took on a nervous expression.

"So what did hit me?"

"Uh... I did." She said with a worried smile.

"You jumped on me?"

"Yeah... See ya!" She teleported out of the room, a weird noise resounding after her. It sounded like a twinkle or a flash or something, not sure how to describe it. Oh, that was probably her mass being removed from the space, and the air around it collapsing to fill in the void. Now, am I happy that a woman jumped on my face, or upset that a horse jumped on my face, or amazed that my skull was able to support the weight of a horse? Then again, these are really small horses, most of them are at my waist. I never finished that train of thought, as I have ADHD and was already rambling in my head about something involving integrating a new appendage into my body that would be sensitive enough to manipulate the field of magic with as much ease as a unicorn.