The Homoerotic Biblemann Adventures Of Yesterday's Tomorrow

Dipplestraße, the funniest city in Germany, was being completely and utterly unfunny. They’d just come up with a new video series named Das Biblemann Abenteuer. Of course, some silly /de/tard liked this shit, so he used his magical German powers to make a magical magic machine to bring Biblemann to life. The machine injected le needles into ßiblemann's skin, barely piercing his Chestplate of Righteousness. It injected pure Jesus cum into Biblemann, filling his mighty veins with only the holiest of sperm.

Biblemann burst forth from the machine and unsheathed his Sword of The Holy Spirit. He twirled it around a bit, as a math student does with his calculus homework to impress his friends on a Friday night, and viciously slashed the machinery that surrounded him, along with the /de/tard who created him.

"Foolish sinner," he said, "your sinful science simply cannot compare to my Armour of God."

Biblemann leapt through a window that was there for breeze-related functions, and fell thirty storeys. It's a good thing God caught him amirite? /tips fedora. He then proceeded to beat a single mother to death, in order to display the forgiveness of Christ.

Various police officers arrived on the scene, firing bullets from their guns, which were triggered by the trigger that they pulled with their fingers, caused by the muscles in his arm contracting, due to signals sent from the brain.

Unfortunately for the officers of the law, Biblemann (despite looking like a retarded Lakers mascot) had God on his side, and was therefore OP as shit.

"Thou shalt not murder," he growled ferociously. Then he murdered them for topkeks.

8====D

Somewhere in Africa, an intelligent negro had just invented a new form of life. After much contemplation, he decided to name it the Donut Steel. It resembled a horse, but it was much cuter, sexier, and stripier. That red ‘n’ black striped skin, mann. It’s to die for.

8====D

Most coincidentally, an event completely unrelated to these two events had just evented. An evil autistic brony scientist had just created an evil science machine which coułd transport anything but hisself to Equestria. The evil autistic brony scientist became an hero, and the whole world rejoiced.

Fortunately for Barack Van Winkletoes, who was bored, these three seemingly unrelated things coułd be combined into a whole buttload of fun. He used his magical emperor powers to transport hisself to this reality, then quickly stole the Donut Steel and the evil science machine. Only he had enough swag to harness the evil of science for boredom-curing purposes. I like curling

After a short (i.e. 0 seconds long) journey to Biblemann’s current location (Wyoming), he powered up the evil science machine with his swagger and threw the Donut Steel into it.

Barack Van Winkletoes turned to look at Biblemann. He opened his mouth, breathed in a bunch of polluted air, and began to speak.

“Biblemann, you must enter the portal and save Equestria from its unholy unholiness!”

“lel k” responded Biblemann with heroic glee of heroism.

Biblemann backed up a bit, went into a good science stance, and drop kicked himself right into the evil science machine. Suddenly, Barack Van Winkletoes disappeared.

0.64 seconds later, Barack Van Winkletoes reappeared with Marvin Heemeyer in one hand and an armored bulldozer (i.e. a tank) in the other. He threw these holy devices into the evil science machine, willed himself into invisibility, and took the plunge.

8====D

One the other side of the portal, Biblemann found himself staring at a small, purple unicorn. Biblemann was somewhat worried. He knew that blacks were cursed by God, and purple is a nigger color. He was, however, simultaneously relieved to find proof of the Unicorn race that God had for told of (srsly it's in the bible) and he decided to be peaceful, going against every instinct in his aching Christian body.

Unsurprisingly, the weird purple unicorn opened its mouth to speak.

"Hello there, my name is Twilight Sparkle, who are you?"

"I am Biblemann," replied Biblemann, "defender of the weed of God."

Biblemann’s sexy holy voice of holiness sexually aroused Twilight’s sexy bits, which was very sexy. Unfortunately, the only pony who witnessed this barely-legal act of sexiness was Featherweight. Fortunately, he had recorded the whole thing and was planning on selling it to Big Macintosh.

Twilight's horn discharged a pulse of raw sexual energy, causing sparks and sexy electromagnetic waves to fly everywhere.

"WITCHCRAFT!" Biblemañn screamed in a girly voice with his palms on his cheeks.

Biblemann promptly unsheathed his Sword of The Holy Spirit, twirled it for good metric measure (not imperial measure, you disgusting Americans), and shoved it up Twilight's fartbox. With Twilight properly immobilized, Biblemann proceeded to beat the literal shit out of Twilight, a la his Gaulntlets of Trüth.

8====D

Spike articulated words seemingly: “Hashtag four twenty Shrek it every day.”

Unfortunately, Spike had been feeling rather niggardly that day, so he simply didn’t have it in his little dragon heart to donate ten percent of his swiggity swaggins to the Richard Shrekkins Foundation For Euphoria And Grassy Tysons. This made Shrek so fucking pissed that he teleported to Spike's coordinates and anally destructificated him with onion-flavored death.

8====D

Meanwhile, Marvin Heemeyer, who had been knocked out upon entering Le Perpetually A Bargain Forest, had woken up and noticed the killdozer beside him. In the name of his one and only true love, Rob Ford The Crackhead, he swore vengeance upon those who had wronged him.

With a menacing rumble, the killdozer awoke.

8====D

Shrek made his way through Ponyville, releasing sick toots from his booty with every step. His massive Shrock was still hard from his journey into Spike's sphincter, the remains of which stubbornly stuck to his precious ogre dick.

So Shrek strolled through the town, skewering ponies onto his Shrick along the way. It took about 600 + 66√8̅,̅2̅3̅4̅,̅8̅6̅5̅ ponies to finally cover his colossal cock, but finally Shrek's massive member was coated in the warm blood of his enemies. The Shrekoning was upon them.

8====D

Biblemann had finally finished brutalizing Twilight Sparkle, and now planned to move onto a much more pressing matter: the eradication of the entire town. So Bibleman Bible-dashed with his Bible-legs to the innards of Ponyville, where he was greeted with a most unholy sight.

It was Shrek, with his massive Shrock, which was adorned with decorative pony carcasses.

"Shrek! How dare you show your nauseatingly repulsive face around here? Psalms 88:99 clearly states that thou shalt not Shrek," screamed the disgusting Christian.

"Yeh laddeh? An wut ef ah dunt subscribe ta yer wee little fairy tale?"

"Then I shall follow the Book of Deuteronomy and kill anyone who doesn't believe in God!"

Shrek merely laughed in reply. Then he belched, sending his Shrock shooting forward at the speed of electromagnetic waves, where it collided with Biblemann's chest.

Thankfully for Biblemann, The Chestplate of Righteousness was strong enough to withstand this baby-batter-bazooka blast. However, it was not strong enough to harm the Shrock, which returned to its owner shortly after the collision.

There they stood; the new gods of epic, edgy legend, in a pause from the senseless but totally awesome fighting. Neither one wanted to back down, but they both knew that they were too evenly-matched for either one to win this battle.

A voice from the heavens proclaimed, “You shoułd make love, not war.”

Shrek and Biblemann looked at each other briefly, then they glomped each other and prepared for the best anal sexual intercourse of their lives.

Suddenly, they heard a low, distant rumble in the distance. Its pitch was low, similar to low-pitched Skrillex basses. It was also rather distant, like my highly-abusive father when he was too drunk to beat me and Lacey. The poor soul couldn’t even muster up enough strength to stick shards of glass in my vagina. The few remaining ponies ran in terror, save for Derpy, who is an retarded autistic faggot.

Having been blessed with mole capabilities by Barack Van Winkletoes, the killdozer emerged from the ground beneath them, flapping its vulture wings as it crushed Derpy to death before turning to our daring heroes, who were still in pre-marital mid-buttsecks coitusal bliss.

Barack Van Winkletoes, still invisible, watched in silent silence as the unfolding events unfolded in an envelopic manner. All is right with the world, he thought (with his brain, for those of you who were wondering).