Endless Joy

Mondays can choke on a dick...

I spent my entire weekend getting groceries and listening to my music. Groceries are the most exercise I get here, thanks to the whole, 'meat eating' part of my diet. Sure, the ponies don't like the fact that I eat meat and some even despise me for it, but fuck 'em. I need meat to live! Or at least that's what I told them. I'll be damned before I give into these veggie eating hippies. There's very little meat that runs/swims free in this world that isn't sentient, so I have to go far out of my way into the WhiteTail Woods just to get a fucking turkey. There's few animals I can eat here, so I have to eat turkey, fish, and of course eggs. If I try to eat a chicken, I get yelled at and they call me a murderer. Been long enough now, so I can catch a gobbling bastard fairly easy.

If I can't have pig flesh searing on my pan, you're damn right I'm going to have eggs and toast with some salmon. Can't take who I am!

Getting to dine on a dead animal is the best part of the morning. The worst, you may ask? Well-

*Knock knock knock*

Speak or the devil! All of you get to experience this first-hand.

Slowly walking my way up to the door and opening it, I revealed an orange hoof ready to knock again, "Mornin' Mason!" AJ said with a cheery smile. "Fancy meetin' ya'll here." She smiled even wider.

"At my house?" She nodded. "Where I live..?" She just nodded again and waited for me to speak. "Fuck it. What do you want AJ? I have perfectly dead chicken fetus going to waste." I was clearly losing interest by the nano second, but making AJ almost hurl is enough to get me through this conversation.

"Oh, don't be actin' like ya'll don't like ma' company." She waved me off with a hoof and forced a blush. Every morning... "Have ya happen ta' give any more thought into ma' lil offer?"

Ah, yes. Her offer.

"I've given it a lot of thought, AJ." She grinned and inched closer to me. "And the answer's still no. Never. Never will I do that with you, or anypony else." I slammed the door went back to my chilled breakfast. "Fucking AppleJack..."

As I scarfed down my cold eggs but I could hear AJ shout from outside, "Playin' hard ta' get are ya? I like that in a stallion!" Then her hoof beats grew quieter and then became silent.

After being here for a year, AppleJack saw me as a possible mate. I did not. And ever since I first bolted off her farm screaming nope and few hundred times, shes been gunning after me... And my dick.

Her gracious "offer" as she so easily put it, was for me. Yes, that's right. Yours truly, to rut her as much and as hard as I wanted and to marry her on her family's farm so we can stay together forever. And ever. I was scared shitless when she first approached me about it, but now it's just cringe worthy.

She comes by every morning to make sure I know her offer's always waiting. And open...

NOT LIKE THAT, YOU SICK CUNTS.

I may be a sadistic, apathetic, asshole with chronic prictossis. But if there is one thing I'm not; it's a horse fucker. Pony... Fucker. SAME THING!

"Christ, it's only 7:47am and I'm already yelling at myself. Too early, I saaaaay." As I toss my plate and fork into the sink. Still have to get to work.

Work. The only part of the day I can handle and at least get through. To some, this may sound like the opposite of your day. Well, you've never gotten to work with the random ball of ADHD that is Pinkamena Diane Pie.

Yes, she's fun to be around (not to mention fluffy as fuck and adorable) and she can lighten my mood, even if it is only for a moment... I've been thinking about home way too much lately. Hell, when I first got here, my questions were rampant: What are my parents doing? Do they have any idea where I went? Did they look for me? Am I going home?

Now I sit in my armchair, listening to my music til I fall asleep reminiscing.

I usually just get Purplesmarts to charge the thing with a sparking spell. I thought it would fry the fuck out of the Ipod, but after Twilight prying it from my hands and telling me (screaming over my blood curdling cries) it would be fine, she happily charged it.

Now, as my only way to remember home and listening to something other than Pinkies tracks, and Vinyls wubs, it serves but one purpose. Being a bitch and DYING SO FAST!

Anyways... I'm pretty much at Sugarcube Corner. Explaining things got me caught up in the mome- The fuck? Is Pinkie staring at me with binoculars?

Is she spying on my again?!

... Don't ask.

When I got into the kitchen, Pinkie looked calm and casual, not doing anything out of the ordinary; and that's where her flaw lied. The stillness, it's not her... Plus she's still wearing the binoculars around her neck. Ah, Pinkie. Always the clever one, you are.

I swiftly walked passed her and snagged them off her neck, staring at her through them.

"Doing a little birdwatching were you, Pinks?"

I swear I could see the hairs on her neck stand up all at once.

"Uhh-Yes! There'sthisbirdoutsidemywindowandhesbeeneatingGummy'sbirdseedsoI'vebeentryingtogivehimthestareFluttershytaughtmewiththebinocularstomakeitevenworseonhimbecauseGummyreallylikeshisbirdseed." *Heavy Breathing* "Buthehasn'tstoppedatall!" Flinging cookies everywhere and gasping loudly she yelled, "DoyouthinkGummy'sinonit?!"

At times like these, I'm glad I'm in this place. It brings me so much joy to call Pinkie out on her bullshit. To take her down a peg, if you will.

"Saw you in the window," I said nonchalantly, "Nice try, Pinks."

Her fur turned ghostly white. Hah. Never going to get tired of that. She Pinkie Promised me a while back to never ever, NEVER lie to me. Its worked pretty well, so far.

"But-but! But-Iwastotallyallincogneatio!" She always tries to justify it, and tries to get out of saying she flat out lied. It never works for obvious reasons. Taking a deep breath and showing her best puppy face, she tries to plead.

"Hell nah. You know the deal, Pinkie." It's too much power for one man, I swear.

"You... You meanie!" She crossed her hooves in a pout, but at the same time took a whipped cream pie and frowned at me, "Meanie!"

"Liar." The pie hit her face not a second later. I swear I almost laughed. It gets better every time she does it.

"You're making me start to hate whipped cream, Massy." Bullshiiiiiit~

"And that's why your licking it off your face?" I said, not even having to look up from the cake batter to know what she was doing.

"How'd you know?" She asked in her happy voice; tongue slurping back into her mouth.

"Because you need it live, Pinkie. Same goes for chocolate milk and cotton candy." Monotone voice works perfectly for being a smart-ass.

"Smarty-pants!" She blew her tongue out at me and made a little "Phhft!" sound.

"Oh, go taste the rainbow." I might have made her a little angry with that one. (I told her what the slogan was after I nicknamed Bluefast, Skittles. God, the field day I had with her.

"You know she's just a friend!" Sooooo flustered, Pinks.

"Well I haven't seen you with a stallion~. Always hanging out with Skittles? I think you've tasted the rainbow at least once."

"Mason." She said, sternly.

Ah, I hit the sweet spot, so to speak.

"You. Leave. Dashie. OUT OF THIS!"

*Ping*

Was that... Was that a pastry knife that just got lodged into the wall?

Turning my head and seeing the knife wobbling back and forth, I grabbed it. Slowly putting it in the drawer and snagging an egg off the counter with my other hand, I walked up to her and held her withers.

"Calm down, Pinks. I was just trying to rattle you a bit." Her, 'bull ready to charge' face died off and she melted under my touch like most of the ponies do, (Hands, dude. Hands.) and developed a goofy expression. "Always keep your head up, Pinkie."

*Splat*

Whelp, there does that smile.

"An EGG?. You shall taste the fury that is, Madame de le Floure and Sir Reginald, The Sweet!" She needs to get out more.

"Bring it, whorse!"

And so commenced the largest, all-out confectionery battle in history. Flour, sugar, coco powder, eggs, icing, milk, ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate, gumballs, sprinkles; nothing was safe from our grip.

By the time our glorious fight was finished, most of Sugarcube Corner was engulfed in a mushroom cloud of baking goods, and ponies coughing, trying to get out. The Cakes evacuated the ponies and told them to come back later when they have everything sorted out.

Heaving and sweating like a maniac, we both collapsed to our knees and glared at each other from the two foot distance.

"Huah, huah. Truths? *Heave*"

"Truths..." I fell to the floor with Pinkie landing on my back shortly after.

"Ow..." I said, mouth muffled by the pile of sprinkles it was in.

"Oh, *Wheeze* shut up... I'm like a marshmallow to you."

I can't hold it in anymore.

"Hahahahahaha!" I laughed. Good god, did I laugh. I smiled and laughed like there was no tomorrow.

After three years of having Pinkie make her attempts, and fail. I gave in and welcomed the new feeling.

"Well, it looks like you two are having fun."

"Ahahaha- Oh shit."

Mr. and Mrs. Cake are not amused.

"Wait... Is Mason laughing?! Guess I owe you twenty bits, Pinkie," I could hear Mr. Cake shouting from the front doors.

Pinkie exploded in confetti and streamers, the force of her party outburst funneling the clouds of smoke out of the shop.

"You're smiling! Ohmygosh, you're laughing too!" Pinkie took all this well. VERY FUCKING WELL.

ONE MIGHT EVEN SAY... SPINE-CRUSHINGLY WELL.

"Uhm, Pinkie, dear? I think you forgot to mention he's also suffocating." Thank you, Mrs. Cake!

"Halp... Me." I managed to wheeze out.

Pinkie didn't even look up. *Sigh*, Looks like I'm resorting to this trick, again.

Moving a hand close to Pinkie's ears, I could already see them twitch. I gave them each a scratch and a few rubs; she pretty much oozed onto the floor and gave a light hum as I continued.

Dem hands doooooe!

I stopped and watched as her serene smile met a frown on her face. "You always stop too soon..."

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID," Mr. Cake screamed from the other room. He just jumped to the top of my hangout list. You know, if I ever decide to stop being such a prick.

"Honeybun~, those strawberry glazes better be done~"

"BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK!"

"That's what I thought." Pinkie and I snickered. "Now," She began, causing Pinkie to straighten immediately. "You two need to get on damage control before I kick you both in the flank so hard, your mothers feel it."

Never heard, 'shut up and clean' phrased so well in my life. The second Mrs. Cake turned and left, we started fighting over the mop and broom/ washcloths. Apparently she got the mop because, 'Narwhals don't wear socks on Wednesdays'. It's Monday, but nothing she said made any sense, so I let her have it.

We spent two hours fighting, three hours cleaning, and another five baking. When Pinkie placed the last cherry, on the last batch of double funaroos , I almost passed out.

"We're done for the day, right?" I groaned out, splayed across the counter-top.

"Yes, indeedy, Mr. Massy!" She chimed.

Is she seriously still full of pep? I mean, I know I should be used to it after a near three years and all. But damn, I think she's pure sugar and smiles.

"How are you even moving?" She was hopping around like her non worked-to-death self.

"I made you smile~ I made you laugh~. I made you smile~ I made you laugh~" She chanted as she danced and hopped around in the bakery.

Under my breath I whispered, "I knew nothing good would come from it..."