Dear Twilight,
I’m going to [verb] you so hard tonight. That’s right Twilight, I’m going to [verb] you so hard until you scream.
You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this, just out of the blue. I was just thinking about stuff when you came up, and then I realized you were the one. Maybe it was when we flew together for the first time, or when we gave Scootaloo her first flying lesson. Regardless, I knew that only you were cool enough to [verb] with the Dash. Heck, not even Fluttershy could keep up with me when we were [verb]ing in the woods! I tried asking Rarity once, but she said that [some fancy word] was too “uncouth” for her tastes. I tried it with Applejack, but she really likes [sex] with that rope of hers. So, yeah, you’re the only one who’s cool.
Anyway, yeah, I suppose it isn’t very cool to [verb] you on the get-go, is it? Rarity says I have to start with a drink or whatever first, so I guess that means we have to go out for dinner. Wait, I haven’t even asked you out yet! Oh well, I guess this counts! Yeah, Twilight, we’re going out for dinner tonight. Eight o’clock, I’ll pick you up by carriage, wear [fancy].
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, let’s do this. Gonna write a romantic letter, yeah. Woohoo, romance. Yeah. That thing you do before the real good stuff.
We’re going to start at eight o’clock, on the dot. Well, you are, that is. You’re going to show up on your balcony and wait for me like the pretty little princess you are. I’m going to be five minutes late or so, having just woken up from my nap. You know, to play the “bad girl” role. I know, I know, kind of being a jerk here, but someone has to do it! Trust me, you’ll like it. Some of the girls say it’s a [sexual metaphor] when I do that. You’ll get used to it.
Then the obligatory boring stuff happens. I comment on your dress, you nag me for being late. I fly you to the restaurant, you whine about the cold. I shove my face into [expensive dish], you call me a pig. Then somehow you get distracted and talk about pigs and their eating habits. Then I joke about my eating habits. You’ll scoff and call me rude, but your hoof under the table will be showing something else. And by a something else I mean you’ll be fondling me. A lot. Aw yeah, baby.
Then we’ll settle down with a few drinks. A glass of wine each to start out before the waiter kicks us out to the bar. Then things start going down from there. You keep drinking your silly little fancy wine, complaining about intoxication levels or whatever egghead excuses you have. I’m just gonna chug some shots ‘cause I’m that awesome. Then some rude [butt]hole is going to barge in, chug down a few ciders, and start hitting on me you like the [noun] he is.
Now, now, we’ve had our fair share of bullies. [Curse], we took down legends! Anyway, you’re going to try and say something wise like you always do. Face it, Twi, you’re a know-it-all. It’s going to make him angry and he’s going to start yelling about a bunch of things that nobody cares about. When you start yelling back (you’re blushing by now, all cutesy and stuff), I’ll swoop in for the rescue. I’ll yell at him, he’ll yell back, until I challenge him to a contest! Twenty shots each, hard cider, in five minutes. Like the idiot he is, he’ll take me on.
Blah blah blah, I win.
The bloke gets angry and tries to deck me, but I take him out. You know how awesome I am, remember those changelings? He’ll give me the one-two, but I’ll give him the one-two-three! You’ll stop the fight with your magic like always, break us apart, and complain as we get kicked out for being rowdy. Whatever. You know you liked it, baby.
You’ll complain the entire way home on the carriage, whining and whining about our bad date. You’ll swear we’ll never do this again as we arrive at your house. I’ll give the nice pegasus driver a couple bits, pretending to be stingy (in reality I paid him earlier). We’ll stumble on your balcony, drunk off our [butts]. We’ll argue for a couple minutes: I want to come inside, you want to cool down before bed. After a few minutes, we compromise and go get some coffee.
Once inside, you’ll mention something about Spike not being home. Maybe he’ll be at a sleepover, or at Canterlot, or even sleeping at Rarity’s because she overworked him (again).
And, um, yeah. This is where the good stuff happens.
Instead of heading downstairs, we’ll migrate towards the bed. You’ll flop down, drunkenly mentioning some book you read. Maybe it was the Daring Do book where she was tied down by Ahuizotl for the upteenth time, or that trashy romance novel with the shady stallion. Whatever that [sexual thing] you’re into. So yeah, this about the time you’ll be losing yourself a bit. You’ll keep telling me no, but the dress slipping off your shoulders is saying yes.
You’ll complain as I crawl onto the bed with you, whining about how I’m such a [insult] and a [mean jerk]. Of course, you won’t mean it, but you’ll say it anyway. I’ll take my time slipping your dress off, using my teeth to nibble at the [string-thingies] and occasionally your ear. You’ll try to pull away, but stay once I slip my hooves underneath and wrap it around your [belly], you'll mumble about whatever else.
That’s when the Dash will make her move. I’m just gonna slip my hoof right down to your [pee-pee hole].
You’ll gasp in surprise, surprised at the wonderful touch that is Rainbow Dash. I’ll start stroking your wings, getting them all stiff for a [whatever it’s called when they stand up]. This is the part when you close your eyes and spread ‘em, getting ready for the jiggy. So I’ll just flip you over, right on your back.
I’ll fly above, checking you out. [Curse], you have a fine body. [Compliment], even. Then I’m gonna put my hooves on your legs and spread them too. Oh Celestia, I can’t wait to see your [hole thingy]. It’ll be like cider; I’m just gonna shove my head up in there.
I’ll lick it and give you a nice [sexual favor]. Then I’m going to [adverb] touch you with my hooves, let them explore a little. Aw yeah, [barely-related metaphor]. Your [butt] is going to be [squishy] in my hooves, I tell you that. Licky licky and touchy touchy all night. Filly, I’m gonna make you feel good.
My tongue is going to explore that [hole] of yours, all the way to the [noun]. As I’m [verb]ing you, you’re going to be saying some interesting things like “Oh Rainbow Dash, whatever you do, don’t stop!” and “Why do I need books when I have you?!” and… whatever. Yeah, you’ll be saying a bunch of stupid stuff. Doesn’t matter, because I’m going to [verb] your [noun] so hard that you’re going to scream. Yeah, Twilight, you’re a screamer. I just know you are.
Anyway, I’m gonna [verb] you until I get a little [noun] on my face! You probably taste like [noun], I bet. Fluttershy’s [noun] was strawberry, if you’re curious.
So I’ll crawl on top of you, yeah. I’ll lean in real close and start makin’ out, using tongue. Just like when I was [verb]ing, I’ll be pressing against your [noun] and [touching] your [plural noun]. Your tongue is gonna be like a cherry: I’m gonna twist that stem, baby. [Sexual pun]
I’m going to get a little drool on you, see, because you’ll probably suck at making out. You’re gonna be a [romantic metaphor]. Cheeks like [adjective] [noun] and eyes crying like [simile]. Magic of friendship, baby. Magic of friendship, indeed. I’ll nibble on your neck a bit, maybe suck a little and leave the Dash’s mark. You’ll nip my ears too, you horny [petname].
It isn’t [noun], but it’ll have to do while we [verb] and [verb] while [adverb] [verb]ing. We’ll [verb] our hips together, [verb] our [noun]s together until you get [adjective] and [verb] everywhere. You’ll get [noun] all over yourself too! Talk about [adjective]; [pun]!
Once we’re done with that first bit, you’ll be sweating all over your glorious, exposed body. [Metaphor]. [Verb]ing from your [adjective] [noun] down there, you [perv]. Aw yeah, baby.
Oh, this is the part where you chip in. Using that [adjective] horn of yours, you’ll bring up a few [verb] toys for us to play with. Taking a quick break, we’ll break up and get ready for some good stuff. You’ll put on some nice, er, [underwear] and I’ll strap on the [verb] toy. Oh, Twilight, just imagine the sexy talk.
I’ll put you back on the bed, popping your wings out. You’ll be all like, [pomf] Wah! What are we gonna do on the bed, Rainbow Dash? and I’ll be all like, Shut up or I’ll tie you up! Then I’ll [adverb] [verb] my [noun] quickly inside your [noun] and start really [verb]ing you. We’ll make out, rocking like [noun]s until we start [verb]ing again. I’ll [verb] up and down, really getting you [adjective] until your [noun] [verb]s again.
You’ll get close, pretty close to [whatever you call that thing near the end of a Daring Do book]ing for the first time. Did I mention you were a [noun]? Don’t lie, Twilight, you totally are. Nothing but your hoof and [noun] to keep you [adjective] all night. Spike wasn’t sleeping, I hope you know that.
Anyway, you know how the Dash is: I’m quick, baby. Fastest in Equestria… and so are you, judging by the [noun] you [verb] once I’m done [verb]ing you to [noun] and [noun]. It’s going to be good, it’s going to be hot. And it’s going into your face!
Oh yeah, in your face.
Once you’re done [verb]ing all over me again, you’re going to [verb] off my [noun]! I’ll keep going at it too, until you gag like a spoon! (Wait, is that how it goes?) I hear it tastes like candy. You’re the one who bought it! Or at least that’s what Spike told me.
So we’ll keep going at it like horses, [verb]ing the [adjective] [noun] out of each other. Hearts as strong as horses, say? How about [noun]s as long as horses!
So, long story short I’m going to take my [noun] and [verb] it in your [noun]s as we [verb] each other all night. I don’t know about you, but this Dash isn’t going to be done in ten seconds flat. We’re going to [verb] each other with [noun] and [adverb] [verb] with the [noun] until you [verb] inside and you have to use the [noun] word. Then I’m going to [verb] you in the [noun] position and use that [stick] and whip it good! Your [butt] is going to get all [achy] when I’m done with you.
So, uh, yeah. Eight o’clock tomorrow, I’ll see ya.
Your friend,
Rainbow Dash.
PS: Ak Yearling sent me her latest book for us to look at. Apparently she and Ahuizotl have this thing going on with her adventures after all. Who knew she wrote [sex] books on the side? No wonder she’s always getting tied up! Anyway, we HAVE to try the position on page forty-five. Your magic can do that, right?
Rainbow Dash slept on a cloud, dreaming about dashing and rainbows. Her dreams were cut short by a resounding scream in the air.
“W-what?” she said, groggy as the fog lifted from her eyes. It sounded like a little filly screaming her name, or perhaps it was just one of her lingering dreams of screaming fangirls. Rainbow Dash rolled over on the cloud, her mind filled with Wonderbolts and fangirls. All the fangirls.
“Rainbow Dash!” the voice screamed again, tearing into her thoughts. Rainbow Dash’s eyes shot open. That is most definitely not a filly! “RAINBOW DASH!”
Rainbow Dash sat up from her cloud, licking a fetlock and rubbing it through her mane before shooting Twilight a sporting grin. “Hey Twi, fancy seeing you up in the cloud layer. Getting better with those wings, I see. Wanna race?”
Twilight scoffed and leaned back in the air, confusing Rainbow Dash. Before the perverted mare could utter a word, a world of white filled her vision.
“Oof!” Rainbow Dash fell back on the cloud, a weight dropping on her lap. She barely had time to glance at the white filly before Twilight made a rather rude gesture with her hoof.
“Next time” -Twilight made a certain twist with her hoof, causing Rainbow Dash to wince- “use a VERBing dictionary!”
Rainbow Dash could only blink at the filly as Twilight flew off.
Sweetie Belle waved at the cross-eyed pervert. “Hi Rainbow Dash!”
