Sitting in the Shower with Bottles of Cider

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

The last time I wrote in this waterproof journal... I was a very different pony. The alcohol hasn't changed, but a lot of other things have.

I found a marefriend. A special somepony. She's wonderful, beautiful. Quirky. Perfect. Except... one thing. And it isn't that she cleans dishes with wubs, either. It's her confidence. She's an Earth pony in a family of Unicorns... so she's got this confidence issue. Sweet Luna, do I love her... but she's got not an original thought in her skull sometimes, and insists that mares are supposed to be submissive to stallions, and defer to their judgement, even when teaching!

Are we not ruled by our matriarchs? Even outside the capitol, who raises the young fillies and colts? The mother does. She puts her values into them, while the father keeps them in line so they might learn. If anything, she is more qualified to teach and to lead than any stallion I know in the field she so desires to be in! She's certainly smart enough to do so! But then... she doesn't have the confidence, and I'm trying so hard to give her that, to lend her mine. I know she can be so much more than she is, if only she had enough happiness and support in her life from someone like her... an outcast.

From me...

And I've given her that. And I'll keep giving her that until I have no more left to give!

But horses' hooves! What if she never gets it? What if my lovely little mare just... doesn't understand, no matter how much I love her and support her? What if she never gains that confidence...? That fire of spirit that I can barely see flickering, threatening to go out? I won't be able to put up with that...

Not when she gallops through the brambles and cuts herself up on purpose for only Celestia knows what reason...! I worry she's going to get cut too deep one day and loose a hoof to infection! I keep trying to tell her not to do it... but she came crying to me today, saying she might go running again! I think I stopped her... there were no new wounds on her hooves today when she visited.

I'm trying so very hard... I love her so very much... but today drove me to drink... weak as I am.

Perhaps that's why I cannot convince her to stop, to be confident... because both run through brambles in different ways... because I am the same.

I think I'll sit here... in the steam for a while, to clear my head of these thoughts, and hope that Luna invades my dreams to give me the answers I could not find at the bottom of a bottle.