Death and Afterlife

(While listening to 'Carribean Blue' and 'Pax Deorum' by Enya)

Last time I drank in the shower... I remember saying something about dying. I wanna set something straight...

I don't wanna die. But I don't think I'd fight it if I found myself mortally wounded. It's not that I don't like livin'... I do. There's a lot to do here, bein' alive and stuff, but... I guess I'm interested in what comes after it all.

Some ponies say nothing comes after this. Sometimes I'd like to side with them. If there's nothing after this... then it makes it so much easier to just do whatever I want, you know? I could just do anything I wanted to. But when I think about it... I don't know what I'd do if I did whatever I wanted... I don't think I'd do anything differently. I'd still work hard.... help ponies when I could... I'd still have joined the Equestrian Guard...

And I'd still view sex as an act of intimacy and trust. It's the only reason I don't just go out and put my flare in whatever moves or has a heartbeat. It's something special... I feel.

So... I don't think I'd be any more free if I didn't believe in some sort of deity that's floating around up there somewhere, past the moon and the clouds.

But then... what do I believe?

I've thought about it a lot... sometimes in bed, cold and alone. Sometimes here, in the shower, under the warm embrace of magically heated waters. Sometimes when I'm at work, sitting around with nothing to do. What do I believe...? Why do things keep happening in a way that prevents me from doing the things I want to when other ponies are just given whatever they need to accomplish their goals, or are set up in a way to do it as if out of a film or a book?

Often I've come to the conclusion that it really IS just about me. Through some twist of celestial circumstance, I'm the butt of a cosmic joke, or some kind of sitcom. Or maybe I'm being punished for some kind of crime, and living in this life is the sentence. Maybe I have to find some way to learn a lesson about something I did or didn't do, should or shouldn't have done. But I don't get any clues because I have to figure it out by myself... maybe because whatever powers that be are trying to figure out if I'm worth saving, or if I'm just innately and evil, broken pony. Maybe I'm alone because I betrayed my loved one. Maybe I'm not successful because I WAS at one point and used it in a way that hurt other ponies. Maybe if I can find out what I did wrong and prove I can do better next time, I'll be set free from these ridiculous bonds and allowed to truly live again...

But that's egocentric.

So... I've also thought to myself... what if it's all a test... some sort of admission price for getting a chance to really live after I'm dead? Do I have to believe in Celestia and Luna as goddesses... or can I just be a good pony and do my best in the best way I can?

But then... I've come to the conclusion that there's something even bigger than they are.

I believe... in a creator, or creators... something that's there that made everything we see. Not because I WANT to believe it, but because the evidence is compelling, and to have conscious beings even exist would be a waste if not to catalogue them and utilize their experiences beyond some simplistic 80 year lifespan. It just seems like a massive waste for this to be 'it.'

But I'll write about that later... I want to write about the big-creature-upstairs right now.

When I look around... I start seeing things that don't make sense. Everything's just all to convenient. I mean.... if I were the universe, I'd probably just be like... squares? Why squares? Buck that... everything is now round! Why? Most efficient shape. There wouldn't be any of this chaos-theory stuff. The universe probably wouldn't have set itself up to allow life to begin with because its inefficient. At least, it probably wouldn't have done it on its own. There's evidence of direction everywhere... from the trees to the way clouds float. It all seems to have an order usually, but then something freakish happens to make you reconsider that order. You might say "chaos theory" but... why? Where did that chaos come from? And what about when stuff's NOT doing something freaky? What then?

I'm just saying... it's something to consider... I know I have...

But then... nopony should be reading this... so I guess nopony will be considering it on my account.

Then what do I think comes after everything is over? Again, it's something I've thought about... a lot. I like to think that it's a place where we're finally in control of who we are... really. Like... if we want to change something about ourselves, it's as simple as clapping our hooves together. That's what I think the afterlife must be. A world where... or a place where... you can be as awesome or as relaxed as you like. A place where love never grows old or stale... where the possibilities are as endless as your imagination. But then... I also think it's a place where it's easy to learn everything, but you still have to learn... you know... so you don't get bored by suddenly knowing everything. I like to think also... that it's a place of endless wonder, where you can travel in any direction and never see it all and never cease to be amazed. A place where adventure is around every corner if you want it to be, and those adventures are as marvelous as any we could have here in Equestria.

Finally... I have a few thoughts on death itself...

It's not a big deal to me. I've already been dead twice. No kidding. I've experienced clinical death twice. My heart stopped and my lungs ceased, and I was there for it. I remember it. I was... terrifying the first time. Kinda painful... but it didn't last long. I don't remember what happened when I was dead, though... I remember the world melting away... but I'm not sure what I saw after that. The second time it happened, I fought off the blackness... stayed awake. I thought... I though to myself that I wouldn't let it take me so easily this time. I fought it off. Since then... I've never been knocked out, even after serious beatings or being hit by things on accident. I've nearly drowned three times, even, on a side note.

I don't know what to make of it. But... I guess death doesn't scare me so much. I know what's coming. I know what to expect.

I'm starting to sober up... I should... Maybe I should go to bed... But I do so love the water... It's strange that I've had such terrible experiences with it... but I feel so safe within the depths, especially swimming under it all at a lake or a pool. I think I'll stay here a little while more...

Author's Note

Had to fix an error. Ponies don't have fingers. Derp.