Agent Provocateur

by ShamelessBrony

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

Dear ~~Sexy~~ ~~Shiny~~ Shining Armor,

You beautiful son of a gun, how have you been? It's been way too long since we've seen each other! A friend of mine at the palace told me that you were staying in Canterlot for some kind of diplomatic thing, right? Do you think you might have some time to spend with an old ~~fuc~~ buddy? I know, I know, you're a married guy and everything's different now, but I just thought it'd be nice for us to get together again for old time's sake, y'know? And if you're still anything like you were during basic, you could stand for a little guy time. So what do you say? The Wonderbolts just finished a few shows in Canterlot and we're staying in the fancy hotel on Brookmere Road, so stop by when you get this, and maybe we can arrange some genuine hang-out time before we both have to hit the road.

~~Lotsa love,~~
Soarin

Obligatory M/M clop warning so I don't get bullshit like "omg i saw cadence in the tags so i thot it was gunna b str8!! u triked me into reeding gay porn!!1 :'((( EW EW EWWW!! *dislikd* DX"

Chapters

Provocation

Provocation
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Agent Provocateur

Provocation

In this dangerous and violent world, there is only one pony you can rely on to keep Equestria safe.

Me. Your everyday street cleaner.

You may think it's an easy job; just clean up the shit stains on Canterlot's streets... But you couldn't be more wrong. I've had to cut ties with my family and everyone I've ever loved. My own little sister doesn't even know I exist, and I have to keep it that way in order to protect her from my enemies.

I've slaughtered more ponies than I care to count because those fuckers stood between me and my street cleaning responsibilities, and when you're casting the most powerful cleaning spells to ever be conjured in all of Equestria, there are no survivors. I run through stop signs and crossing guards with no consequences. I'm above the law. Beyond it.

I am... A street cleaner.

...And *nothing** will stop me from cleaning these dirty streets.*

Beyond the fog, I can hear a voice. "S----ng?" It's pretty muffled, but I can hear it again, louder this time. "Shining?"

I think I make some kind of whining noise as I reach out into the white abyss, waving my hooves in the general direction that I think the voice is coming from... It's hard to make anything out in this weird, dream-like state...

"Ow!"

I hit something! That was probably the voice... I feel a little proud at first for the lucky hit, but then I realize that there was something awfully familiar about that voice. Slowly, I open my eyes to see morning's light shining through my bedroom window, and my beautiful wife Cadance at my bedside, nursing a bump on the side of her head. "O-oh, oops..." I grimace, genuinely perturbed that I had just sleep-slapped my spouse. "S-sorry about that, hun..."

Thankfully, she's not mad. Actually, she looks genuinely worried. "Shining... were you having the street cleaner dream again?"

I hesitate and swallow hard. "...Yes." My head droops as I break eye contact in shame.

My wife leans closer and puts a hoof on my shoulder, rubbing it consolingly. "Sweetheart," she whispers softly, "when I get back home, I'll see if I can make an appointment with a psychiatrist who can help make sense of your... very weird dreams, okay?" I look up to her and smile. She smiles back.

My eyes wander to either side of her, noticing her packed luggage, ready for departure. "You're heading out already?"

"Yup! The train leaves at 8 o'clock, so I need to run off now. Did you end up meeting with that friend of yours?"

I yawn and stretch my limbs, preparing myself for my imminent rise from my bed. "Er, yeah. I met up with Soarin last night, and we decided we'd spend today together to catch up for old time's sake." My heart raced by just the most miniscule of amounts at Cadance's mention of my friend, and the rather... provocative letter I had received from him the other day.

"Awww, that sounds so sweet! You're gonna spend the whole day with you're boyfriend?"

My eyes widened at this, though I'm not entirely sure if it was because I was flustered that she was insinuating what I thought she was insinuating, or if I was worried that she had somehow known. "W-whoa whoa WHOA. What? Boyfriend? Cadance, what the hell are you talking about?"

She gave a little laugh that, even if directed at me, still sounded absolutely delightful. Like the laughter of honey if it were a sentient being with the physical capability of being able to laugh. "Well... He is your friend, isn't he? And he's a boy?"

"Oh come on, Cadance..." I groaned, rolling my eyes.

"What?" She asks sheepishly, feigning innocence. "You have boyfriends just my friends are girlfriends."

"It's different for guys, hun. We don't call our friends 'boyfriends.'"

She sticks out her tongue and smiles. "I know, I'm just screwing with you, sweetums. I hope you have a good time with your... 'best bro' or 'homeboy' or 'top faggot' or whatever it is guy friends call each other. Giving your friends insulting titles is actually flattering them, right?" She leans forward and places a kiss on my cheek before giving her farewell and heading to the door with her bags.

"Oh! I almost forgot..." She exclaims, turning back to me. "I baked some brownies for you and your little playdate today! They're sitting on the kitchen counter."

I raised both of eyebrows. That was a pleasant surprise, especially since Cadance's baked deserts were better than anything I've ever tasted. "Aw, thanks sweetheart, you didn't have to do that, though."

"I know, but I thought it was really sweet that you were setting the day aside for an old friend, so I wanted to make a little contribution for the both of you." She gave a little wink and a wave as she slipped out the door. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

With that, I could hear the front door to the guest suite close, signalling that I was now all alone.