How to Make Enemies and Be Generally Unsociable

Chapters

Falling Into the Ring of Fired
It Kind of is A Cold Day in Hell
I Should Have Worn a Mac
I Don't Want a War
iDidn'tEvenTryToOffendYou
End of the Fine
Madwater Basin
The War on Parties

Falling Into the Ring of Fired

Author's Note

Well, before we begin, lemme tell you; Yes, I intend for this to be kind of a 'pet project' for me. If it comes to it, it may end up being a 'Magnum Opus' for me. Anyway, side note,feel free to ask me if you want to use my Sniper loadout for your TF2 purposes! I'd be more than happy to feature your name somewhere, maybe in a blog post, or, uh...a, um...Author's Notes of a chapter, maybe...I dunno, God, this is going to get difficult for me.
Send me any questions about anything, comment any suggestions about this thing.
Alright?
Cool.
-Okhly

Falling Into the Ring of Fired

BLU team was making yet another push, their Heavy Weapons Specialist ploughing his weight into the trailer-sized bomb cart. I, meanwhile, was one of the few things between them and their target; the slide-away roof of the fuel barrel storage beneath the ground of the base. Even though I'd worked here as a Sniper for about two or three years, I was still unsure of any reason why the BLUs still came here: we'd lost a fair few times, and every single time, the fuel silo would be refilled with 'fuel'. Making it even weirder was that the 'fuel' was gravel. But, to consider its explosive capabilities when the bomb cart managed to hit them, it was still worth defending apparently.

I checked how many rounds I had as I peered over the small jersey barrier I was crouched behind. 13 bullets remaining for my Botkiller Rifle, I couldn't find any SMG rounds, and my Kukri, as ever, was still as sharp as I made it. I flicked a round for the rifle into my hand, cocked the worn bolt backwards, and pushed it into the chamber. Then, I pushed the bolt forwards again, and hefted the weapon over the barrier. I leaned into the scope before any of the approaching BLU team could identify the problem I might be able to cause to them today, and set my aim on the nearest Medic. I recognised him; he was the guy that had been talking to the Administrator over the intercom the morning before. He seemed to be rich, actually; no matter how rich you were, though, that Stahlhelm could never stop the crack of a rifle.

"Hold still." I whispered, cheek against my rifle. I waited for the right moment, as the cart passed our destroyed sentry nest, he stopped to tap Mitch's corpse. I knew Mitch. I'm still pissed he died at that moment, and all it took was a single rocket. So, I considered whatever I could do now to act as defence, and the smug Medic certainly did not look bulletproof. I emptied my lungs, aimed down the scope at the available head, and squeezed the trigger. The recoil slammed against my shoulder as the hammer ignited the gunpowder in the round. The round flew forward, tore its way through the air, and, as my luck dictated, ricocheted off the Medic's helmet, momentarily stunning him, but also telling the enemy I was there. This is where I'd always slip up in combat; under pressure, I couldn't hit anything. The Medic wasted no time in buggering my day up.

"Achtung!" he cried loudly, pulling out his syringe gun and drawing the attention of their Demoman, a Soldier, Heavy, and their Sniper. I knew the Sniper; he was one of the highest trained guys around, and I now had the displeasure of dealing with him. I moved from my crouch, and broke into a sprint as fast as I could, zigzagging to avoid the hail of Napalm-Acid syringes that the other Medic was known for, and flipped myself over the nearest barrier that I found by the stairs to the 'office' above the rails for the cart.

I was thankful that the materials making up Badwater were insanely reinforced; the opposing Sniper, a BLU going by the name of Rising, fired his own rifle at me, hitting the wall in front of me exactly where my head would have been, and not ricocheting back to blow my head into bloody pieces. Quite the opposite; the round pretty much disappeared from the planes of existence, leaving nothing but a cloud of red dust where it hit the rock. I didn't dare peek up again, because undoubtedly he was geared up for another shot. The enemy Heavy, Soldier, and Demoman were probably making a push towards my position, and if I lost my post, then they'd probably be able to set up a sentry gun nest or a teleporter, and then RED team, my team, would be dead.

Wait.

They already were.

Goddamnit.

I groaned, and began thinking of my options. I couldn't surrender, because their Heavy was wearing a Gibus, and likely didn't understand diplomacy. Their Soldier would probably swing at me with a Market Gardener, and the Demo could easily just belt a few pipes over the wall and kill me. So surrender was out the window. I could fall back, but then I'd lose my position and there'd be no chance of getting it back. Then they could push the bomb cart, and then open the hatch, and-

Wait a second.

The hatch.

If I stopped them opening it, then it'd be impossible to plant their bomb in it. But the only problem was that nobody on my team, me included, knows, or knew, how to get it open or shut it again. Hell, a better question is how the BLUs were able to open it every single bloody time. I could only assume they had somebody doing it for them. I frowned, wincing slightly as bullets pinged off the barrier behind me, yet not hitting. If they weren't hitting, that wasn't to say they wouldn't hit, so I began to look around my area as much as possible. To my left, the rails moved onto a small rail checkpoint, and on the other side of the tracks there was a small staircase where our Scout was incinerated.

We avenged him, sure, we took the Pyro out, which was sped up by my Jarate, but he did cost us our Medic, Spy, and Scout. "Bloody W+M1 guide tactic," I grumbled as I slipped around the corner. No mercenary liked the new or experienced mercs that decide to follow the 'suggested tactics' section of the guide issued to us all by our employers. It mostly had segments stating how we were meant to operate as our individual classes. Many who selected the job of Pyro were led to believe that running in a straight line whilst spraying fire everywhere was a valid tactic. That same book was also promptly used as toilet paper by me.

Just then, I noticed a glimpse of movement. Running towards a staircase we shouldn't have been accessing was a BLU Spy, wearing lime green equipment and with a smoking Charmer's Chapeau. He was looking at me as he slipped into the door, and it hit me. That must have been exactly how they kept opening the hatch. It was what was on the other side of the window we couldn't see inside for all those years. It was the control room for the entire facility. And there was a Spy sneaking inside.

"I don't think so, ya posh tosser," I muttered to myself, quickly making my way over to the staircase. I vaulted the metal railings as the bomb cart rounded the corner with almost their full team pushing it along. Just as I got to the doorway, a sniper round pinged off the handle, allowing my instincts to take over and fire back at Rising. In spite of my terrible aim, he actually took cover, allowing me the few seconds to flip them the bird and go into the control room, explosives slamming into the door behind me.

However, inside was a different story to the harsh weather outside; the small office was air-conditioned, with ceiling fans allowing a cooling breeze throughout the room. Around the place, there were a few filing cabinets labelled 'RED EMPLOYEES', 'BLU EMPLOYEES', 'CLASSIFIED', and 'HELEN', each looking less promising for me than the next. In the back of the room, however, there was a set of three windows with a desk of buttons in front of it. And, to my unpleasant discovery, an Ambassador and Knife placed near the side.

So the Spy was here. But I couldn't find him. Cautiously, not halting to look around the room, I put my Botkiller down next to one of the filing cabinets and pulled out my Bushwacka. Then, I began to scan the room.

Suddenly, there was a quiet 'beep' across the room, and a computer monitor lit itself up with a white glow. I looked at this, at the notification saying 'MESSAGE RECIEVED', and considered what I should do. I could read it, but then I'd get found out. I could read it and delete it, but then it'd probably go to the recycle bin and I'd be found out. Or, I could just print a copy to read later. So, I moved across the room, and right clicked it, highlighting 'print', then allowing it to be printed out. Slowly, the machine clanked into life, feeding a piece of paper into the slot. Yet, no matter how loud it was, and no matter what it was printing that I wasn't supposed to read, I was still somehow able to hear the sound of a decloak.

I span quickly, swiping with my Bushwacka in an attempt to catch the Spy off guard. Instead, he ducked, and smacked my hand with his elbow, causing me to let go of my knife. He followed this up by making a wild haymaker towards my head as he stood up, which encouraged me to block with my own elbow. He reversed this, wrapping his arm inside my arm and grabbing my jacket, before taking a strong swing at my face with his knuckles. Moving my head back, I took my leg and swept his feet from under him, knocking him down. He quickly took advantage, pulling me down as well and flipping me over onto my back. I slammed against the floor, stunning and disorienting me for a second or two. It was then I realised I was near my knife. I scrambled to grab the handle and, finally getting a grip of the hilt, I struggled back to my feet. However, just as I stood up, there was the click of a hammer going back on a gun. It was now pointed inbetween my eyes, and I had only one shot at the next part.

He, however, had 6 .50 calibre rounds in his Ambassador he retrieved from the desk.

So if I couldn't pull this off, it'd leave him with 5 .50 rounds.

"This is cheating." I said as he kept the aim steady between my eyes. He looked back in irritation.

"It isn't exactly cheating if they give you the resources to succeed." Spy shot back. (Not literally. - Okhly)

"It is if they lock the resources away so you're not meant to use them." I replied. This is where he made his mistake; his gaze drifted away to look out the window, where his team was shoving the bomb on the final stretch to the bomb-site. "Just break the glass. There's no point opening the doors if the bomb weighs enough to break the damn thing open anyway. And, as another point," I continued as he still remained looking out the window. "Never take your eyes off the enemy." His eyes went wide, and he turned back in time to realise I was pointing the Ambassador at him.

"How the hell did you do that?!" he sputtered. I prepared to pull the trigger after a witty one-liner, but his surprise was merely a ruse. He used his leg and swept my feet from beneath me, causing me to fall and fire a shot off in panic. It pinged off a filing cabinet, before ricocheting and slamming down the button to open the bomb hole. Then, while I was recovering from smacking my head on the wall, I realised what had happened too late. By the time I was getting up, a massive explosion shattered all the glass in the room, filling the dark office with smoke, heat, and pressure. I was quickly thrown off my feet, and back into the same place I put my rifle down. I felt the wall behind me smack me in the head and it all went dark.

I woke up about 7 hours later. It was dark, with the only light in the room flickering gently as the bulb's lifespan slowly bled out. I felt like I'd been dead for years; I stood up, cracking my back and jumping about slightly to loosen my arms and legs, and looked around the room to see what happened. Sure enough, glass shards were everywhere: The control panel, the filing cabinet tops, the BLU Spy I was fighting, all of it had glass on it. However, in spite of the fact it was about 10:00 PM at night, and that I was still wearing sunglasses at that time, I was able to spot the thing I was printing out. It had blown across the room in the blast shockwave, and it seemed relatively intact. I picked my gear up, slinging my Botkiller over my back, and moved over to the letter. Carefully, I grabbed the corner of it, unfolded it, and began to read.

To BLU Spy Number #889545, 'Ding', and RED Sniper Number #110899, 'Face',

It has recently come to the attention of your administrative groups that you two have been underperforming for the past 3 years. This 'test period' is where we identify those of you mercenaries that are worth keeping on the payroll, and the minimum number of successful enemy eliminations to remain on the payroll is at least 200. You two have barely succeeded in eliminating half of that number between you. That is why, after 'careful' consideration, we have decided to stop paying you, and have removed you from your respective company's employee register. This will be a barely noticeable loss, as we have already filled in your job positions with a dozen names willing to take your jobs.

And before you do attempt to file a lawsuit, please bear in mind that you:

A) Signed a contract

B) Have murdered other human beings, without prior government permissions, and

C) Are lucky we have not sent the gorgeous Miss Pauling to eliminate you both.

As a final word, any attempt to enter Reliable Excavation and Demolitions, or Builder's League United property is now a criminal offense, and if caught you may be driven to a nearby gravel pit and shot for trespassing.

It has been of no pleasure to have been paying you any of our funds,

- Helen, TF Industries Administration

I paused, and read it again. I was being fired? Because I hadn't killed enough men? What did she think I was, a crazed gunman? My job description clearly said that is EXACTLY what I would NOT be. And the fact that she'd also fired someone from the BLUs at the same time was even more suspicious. Had I been double-crossed? Maybe...I looked at the Spy's unconcious body, before tapping him in the side of the head with my red Tooth-Kickers. "Hey, asshole, get up." I sighed. He shifted uncomfortably, and I brushed the glass shards off his back, picked him up, and sat him against a filing cabinet. I was tempted to slap him, but then I realised that'd just be classified as assault now I'd been fired, and so had he. Slowly, but I'm pretty certain surely, he was getting up. His facial expression changed from confusion to shock as he realised I was in front of him. He jolted to move.

"No point." I said quickly, stopping him dead. "You're Ding, right?" His face went back to shock.

He began stuttering. "H-How did you know-?"

"Believe me, it's not the most positive way to find out your name." I muttered, before handing him the paper and helping him to his feet. "Read this. It was addressed to both of us." Cautiously, he took the sheet of information and began to read it, pacing around the room as he read. I didn't really care about his response, but I could tell he wasn't best pleased by the news. In the time he was reading that, I decided to go through all the filing cabinets. After all, it isn't corporate spying if you have no intent to sell information or you're not in a company, no? I decided to look in the most obvious choice of filing cabinet, which was the one labelled '[CLASSIFIED]'. I slipped it open, discarding the folder on the floor. On the top, there was a letter from Saxton Hale himself, addressed to the Administrator. I opened it carefully, lest I fall prey to one of Mann Co.'s signature 'Opened Letter-Activated Railgun' traps. It does exactly as it says on the tin. When my face wasn't instantly melted by a piece of Tungsten shot at massive speed, I calmed slightly and began looking at the contents.

Again, not corporate spying if I'm not in another company.

My dear cactus flower who likes steak dinners and sex with handsome men,

From what Bidwell and Mr Reddy have been able to gather from visiting your aforementioned locations, there is definitely some inter-dimensional shifting going on here. The crashed 'spaceship' as you called it definitely had no relation to the 'Grordbort' weapons that several Mercenaries have been finding out in the field, judging by the architecture and materials, and the fact it was on fire with purple fire. And the alien itself? We gathered all the information we could from its corpse AND THEN I ATE IT! Now no stinking Hippies will start ANY conspiracy theory as to what Mann Co. could possibly be doing out in a farm in the middle of nowhere.

Therefore, it's a win-win for both of us! Hahahaha!

- Saxton

I studied this. Something must have been seriously wrong, because the big muscular Australian man wasn't signing the letter with either his fist or the signature stamp we Mercenaries were so used to seeing. I lifted the letter slightly, to find three photographs. They were definitely taken by somebody with no prior experience of camerawork; The images were grainy, blurred, unfocussed, whatever word you wish to use, but I could make out some shapes as to what they were. Vaguely. The first image was of a farmhouse, with a tired old pick-up truck, dust trail leading up to it, wooden gateway and fence, plus some crop fields out back. There were two large grain silos with a large farmhouse and barn flanking either side of it. However, that's when I could barely make out a trail of damaged ground leading to the side of the barn, but that was really it. I flipped that picture beneath the letter, and checked the other two photos. Both showed scenic views of the aforementioned farmhouse, but each showed a different thing about it in more detail. Well, less actually, because the pictures may have been close-Ups, but the camerawork was so shoddy it was impossible to tell exactly what it was.

Just then, I heard Ding sigh behind me. "Well, you're certainly right about the 'not a positive way to find your name' thing." he finally said. I turned to him, letter and photos being folded up to fit in my pockets.

"Exactly." I replied. "And they didn't think to wait until the battle was over to E-mail that to us?"

"It seems not." There was a moment of silence between us as we looked each other over, BLU Spy and RED Sniper. I cast my eyes over all the filing cabinets, specifically the ones labelled '[CLASSIFIED]', and eventually temptation took over. I turned to Ding.

"Gimme a few minutes to go grab my backpack," I said, gesturing to the filing cabinets, "And I think I have an idea for how we can leave a lasting impression on our companies." As I went towards the door, Ding began following. "You're coming with me?" I asked, beginning to descend the iron staircase towards the moonlit concrete below.

"I'm getting my backpack as well." he replied, patting my shoulder. "Can't just let a friend go stealing corporate secrets on his own, now, can I?"

I flicked the light-switch on in my van. I'd dropped Ding off at a nearby roadside café, bid him farewell, and found a place to sleep on a hillside a few miles away from a place other Mercenaries called 'Thunder Mountain'. It was one o' clock in the morning, but I couldn't care less; my bloodstream, like most Snipers, pretty much consisted of coffee to keep me awake during difficult days, and that resulted in both my lack of blinking as often as other people, and me not going to sleep often and only doing so for a short time. I muttered quietly to myself about who I should sell my half of the TF Industries secrets to, pouring myself some coffee whilst crickets chirped gently outside. Finally letting the last few drops land in my 'Moderately OK Sniper' mug, I turned, sat at my table in my van, and looked out the window. Now I didn't have a job, what was I going to do? I mean, yeah, I could sell the secrets, maybe get a LOT for them, but then what's stopping the TF Industries guys from hunting me down and doing exactly what they mentioned on the letter? And what could an ex-murderer do for a job? I don't think that'd look good on my Job Application form; 'Ex-Mercenary, has killed about 120 men, can't aim very well, but makes some pretty damn good coffee'. That'd get me, what, arrested?

Just then, I noticed a blue flash in the woods outside my van. I put my coffee down, frowning at where the source might have been in the dark midst of the trees. "The hell...?" I murmured quietly, taking a final sip of my drink and grabbing the shotgun I kept under the sink. Then, carefully, I stepped out of the door of my van, moving as quietly as possible around the side, and then slipping into the treeline. I kept my weapon raised as I looked between trees, half expecting to find that 'Slenderman' thing people kept claiming they'd encountered. However, it was only when I made it about twenty metres into the woods that I called out. "Hello? Is somebody out there?" I half-shouted. "Speak out!" There was no response, my voice simply disappearing into the darkness and being absorbed by trees. I waited for about ten minutes after, calling out occasionally, before eventually I concluded there was nobody there. Sighing, and admitting to myself I'd wasted 15 minutes, I began to trudge back to my van.

Though, I couldn't help but feel as though somebody, or something, was watching me.

5:59 AM. Friday.

I was woken by the sound of somebody knocking on my van door. I assumed it was nothing, and rolled back over to sleep some more.

6:00 AM. Friday.

DEET, DEET, DEET, DEET, DEET, DEET, DEET

"Ugh, fuggin' alarm clocks..." I groaned, before picking the thing up and throwing it at the door. The small electrical appliance shattered into what might as well have been a million pieces because Mann Co. didn't understand the concept of 'less is better' when it came to technology. Hell, they made a car once with more moving parts than a nuclear reactor, and that was just the wheels. How they managed to fit that much Uranium into a few inches thick of plastic rims and rubber tyres is beyond me...

The knocking persisted. Finally, I rolled myself out of bed, picked myself up, and put my hat back on. Idly, I scratched my back as I moved towards the door, clickih my spine in the process, and just as I reached for the door handle I stopped. It was still dark outside, and dawn wasn't for another hour, plus I'd stolen some corporate secrets. Who'd be knocking? I thought back to everything that the E-mail said. It mentioned 'Miss Pauling', and I certainly knew who that was. A friend of mine was taken out by her; she literally just walked into his flat with a .44 revolver and blew a non-metaphorical hole into his chest. All that I really knew about what she looked like was that she wore purple, a cross of red and blue, a symbol of neutrality. But she also killed insubordinate mercenaries, so not entirely neutral, then. So, if it was her at my door, then I'd have to be prepared. Quickly, I grabbed my beloved Botkiller, kept it level with where the head would be when I opened the door, and counted to three. Then, at the count of three, I kicked the door open, and kept my rifle ready.

To my pleasant surprise, it wasn't the purple minx I had been expecting. Instead, stood at my door was possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had a gorgeous facial complexion, flowing blue hair that seemed like it was blowing in a breeze I couldn't feel. She had a decent tan, a perfect waist, and fantastic breasts, and definitely didn't seem like one of those roaming prostitutes I heard about at the fuel station. In fact, judging by the black and blue dress she was wearing I could make the assumption she was of a much higher class, royalty even. There was only one thing 'off' about her, and that was her irises. They were perfect teal, with thin black lines through them as though she were a predator or creature of some kind. I ignored it. Maybe...a birth defect. Birthmark. Immediately, I lowered my weapon. "G'day." I greeted, tipping my hat slightly.

"Good day to you as well, Mr Face." she responded in a silky voice. "My name is Nancy Michaels, I'm here to offer you a job." I was surprised.

"Uh, sure, come on in." I said cautiously, inviting her into my home on wheels. She smiled, and stepped inside, seating herself at the table. "If I may ask, how'd you know I've lost my job and where I was?" She didn't drop her facial expression.

"Well," she began, rolling her eyes slightly as she started to explain, and placing her purse on the table. "I met a fellow at a service station last night whilst I was having a drink there, and he sat in front of me, we started talking, he was a nice guy, actually. Strange dress sense, though; ski-mask, green-accented jacket, green-rimmed chapeau, green spats, rather posh."

"You met Ding?" I asked, pouring myself a cup of coffee. I pointed briefly to the pot. "You, ah, want any?" She waved a hand dismissively.

"No, no, I'm fine." she replied. "Anyway, yes, he seemed to know you. He explained he had lost his job, and I offered him the same one I'll offer you. Anyway, he was also kind enough to point me in the direction you were going, which was up the road. And considering how late it was, I assumed you would have headed up here."

"So...you must have been here before?" I said. I might be able to bring up the light that I saw last night.

"Yes, a few times. I used to come up here as a teenager and, ah...you know..." she trailed off. She began blushing.

"Oh. So you've been up here and assassinated people?" I asked. Yeah, I get what she means, best not sound like a creep, I need this job. She looked at me in the 'are you serious' way, and rolled her eyes.

"Ah, no, I just kept myself 'amused'. Anyway, enough of that. So like I was saying before, I spoke with 'Ding' and he said he would gladly take the job, and pointed me to you. So I waited until morning, drove up here, and almost found out just how dangerous it is to wake up a sleeping Mercenary." she giggled.

"Yup." I replied calmly. "So what was this job offer?" She looked me in the eyes, and I felt genuinely unnerved.

"This job involves..." she searched for the right words. "...travel, shall we say. To a far, far place, fraught with danger. I've been to other places and employed people, so you'll be with people you're just like." I was tempted to ask if we were visiting Glasgow, or Dundee, but something about those eyes was keeping me in place. I was almost too creeped out to move. And just when I was about to get myself another cup of coffee, she placed her hands on my left hand, and I found myself unable to leave the table. "Listen, if you want this job, you'll need to be aware that you might not return." Nancy finished, removing her hands and looking away at the clock. I made a 'pfft' sound.

"Nancy, you're telling Face McShooty II that he might not return from doing a job." I said calmly. "Seriously, I've been thinking that same thing every single day for the past three years plus. I've worked as dangerous pest control and fought Tigers, Bears, and all kinds of dangerous creatures with just my Bushwacka, and maybe a gun. It's where I got the teeth in this hat from. I've fought a mechanical menace so dangerous they managed to blitz through most military defences in a matter of hours, and came out on top with a few others. It's where I got the robot head on my rifle from. I've worked as a Mercenary for three years, defending the same place, every day, and somehow survived every single battle by being tactically ineffective. It's where I got the idea that I've really served no purpose in my life from. And yet, you seem to think it's a necessity to tell this guy that he might not come back? Seriously, Nancy, I'm kind of a John Doe. I'll do anything as long as it pays." The woman in front of me smiled.

"So, I'll take that as a yes?" she asked. I nodded, tipping my hat slightly in the process.

"Certainly. Do I need to sign a contract?" I replied. In reply, she reached into her purse and pulled out a single slip of paper. She put it in front of me, and handed me a quill. "A quill? Must be a pretty important deal." I whistled, picking up the feather. She smiled warmly.

"Yes, quite." Nancy replied, before leaning over and carefully pointing to everywhere I needed to sign. By her direction, I signed where I needed to, and then gave her the quill and slid the paper over to her. She checked it over, pulling out some reading glasses, and finally smiled in approval. Folding the paper up, she looked at me again. "Thank you, Mr. Face. I look forward to watching you work in Equestria." I thought for a moment whilst Nancy stood up and went to my side of the table.

"Equestria?" I asked. "Is that in Glasgo-mmmph?!" The sudden intrusion of her lips against mine stunned me into silence, but the thing that normally would have encouraged a panicked stabbing instead resulted in my sudden feelings of obedience to this woman. I was even managing to find a way of enjoying it, resisting any temptations to move my hands 'down south', if you understand what I'm saying. I'd already scored with her, and I'd only been talking with her for five minutes! Woohoo! Finally, she pulled herself away, and stood up to her full height. She was definitely a LOT taller than I remembered.

And also was now a black unicorn with armour plating and a misty mane that was blue. "The deal has been set, then." she said almost triumphantly. "Welcome to your new life, Mr. Face. My name is Nightmare Moon." My van began to dematerialise around me, with everything simply disappearing and leaving me and this strange mare in a white void. Faintly, slowly, I began to notice the void burning out like a cinema reel, revealing bright cartoonishly coloured greens and blues and all other colours that definitely were NOT a usual colour palette for Earth landscapes. I looked around in a panic, reaching to my back for a rifle or knife or whatever I could, desperate to feel some degree of comfort in this frantic time. Finally, after about twenty seconds, I was able to see my surroundings.

Floating in the sky a few miles away, there was a large cloud, covered in rainbows and what looked like buildings shaped of the condensed water vapour. Even more noticeable was a large set of mountains forming a cluster around the huge, colourful land, and the fact one of them had what seemed to be a small city built into it only made it weirder. Had I travelled in time? To another universe? Was I piss-drunk? Still sleeping? I was gonna make the bloody most of it. It was only then I realised I was hovering about 50ft above the ground. "Have fun, until I call upon you." 'Nightmare' smiled devilishly. I will admit, in spite of the fact that she was a talking horse, I still found her slightly attractive. (Is that weird? - Okhly)

I was just about to question what she was talking about, when I suddenly dropped sharply towards the ground. I attempted to grab something, anything, that might stop me from hitting the ground, when I looked down. Below me, fast approaching, was a small stream set in a town, with a few residents barely visible in the dark light. Knowing my luck it'd probably be a few inches deep, but I was going to have to try landing in it. Angling myself, carefully, I aimed for the water, remembering what I learned from the flight and aviation books I had stolen from dead BLU Soldiers I had no hand in killing. Angle, aim, arms out, like a bird...what else...?

Oh yeah, landi-

SPLASH

Ugh, 'welcome' to Equestria, my ass. Nobody freefalls this far into a lake unless they're part of a UGC Highlander Spec Ops team...

Psh, like I had the skill for THAT.

It Kind of is A Cold Day in Hell

Author's Note

Bit shorter, this time. Need to try different chapter lengths and styles as this goes along; It's like a test site for my keyboard.

It Kind of is A Cold Day in Hell

Begrudgingly, my limbs finally decided to play ball and let me drag myself out of the water, which I did so as fast as I could. That, however, only equated to a weak pull on the bridge nearby. After all, falling 50 feet and body slamming into solid water that was a lot deeper than first expected was actually more than enough to leave a massive throbbing pain all over the front half of my body. I was just thankful my sunglasses hadn't shattered and stabbed my eyes, since that would probably have resulted in less panting for breath that gradually slowed down to a calming rate, and it instead would have been blood everywhere, me screaming, and glass shards ripping into my eyes as I struggled to get out of the water, before finally succumbing to my injuries and drowning in the knowledge that I had been seduced by a horse.

It took a few minutes to get used to the pain, something I could relate to being shot in the leg but all over my body, and finally succeeded in dragging myself to the river bank. Sopping wet, cold, and unarmed, I rolled onto my back, and simply lay there, still getting my breath back into my body and my heart rate back to normal. Above, there was the endless void of space, with not a cloud in sight, and stars flickering gently in the sky. The moon was much better than it was on Earth, bearing much greater size and a strange pattern emblazoned onto it via the use of craters that were slightly darker than the others. It made out the shape of what seemed to be a side view of a unicorn, glaring angrily down at the place as though it had some form of unfinished business with the planet. What intrigued me most, however, was that there was a set of four tiny stars drifting slowly towards it. I knew what that was. That was simple astronomy; Stars would move themselves because Mann Co. had fired off a laser that made everything in space start moving about because the laser had broken the particle bonds that kept the stars in place. Easy logic, Mann Co. said so in their book on the matter.

After a few more minutes of breathing heavily, slowly getting back to my normal, not-pained state, I realised I finally had the strength to stand up, so I did just that, with only minor stinging in my legs. As I began to scan my surroundings, not leaving the riverbank for the purpose of safety and low detection chance, I was temporarily reminded of the first time a rocket went off right next to me: Wave of pressure, a few minutes of no limb strength, and finally the strength to get back up. It surprisingly helped me survive that battle; they assumed I was dead for the duration of the fight, so they didn't bother checking, and I managed to crawl away into a corner. I was conditioned for rockets, not water.

The first thing I noticed about everything was how quiet this small town was. Not a single soul in the streets to be seen, not a car, not a market stall, nothing. But judging by the style of the houses, they mustn't have gotten as far in advancement as the car; Each individual cottage had a thatched straw roof, brown wooden support beams, and white walls, plus wooden shutters, plantpots on the windowsills, and unusually coloured doors. It all seemed like something from a Fantasy filmreel; the huge castle in the mountain with waterfalls on it, the unicorn that could also be a very attractive woman, the beautifully painted houses, the market stalls, everything seemed as though it were some level of utopia. Hell, I was even expecting to see a rainbow randomly appear with a small Irish person doing a strange dance beneath it whilst wearing a stupid green-painted gibus, but that didn't happen.

I did another quick scan to ensure nobody was around, and upon seeing that it was all clear, I clambered up the riverbank and kept a low crouch as I began to head into the village. So far, I'd set myself three primary objectives:

1) Find my rifle. Top priority in spite of me not being good with it. And also get the other guns, 'cuz that's useful too.

2) Find a place to stay, and earn a positive image with the locals whilst waiting for 'Nightmare Moon' to give me some work. (I still prefer Nancy.)

3) Get some new friends to stick with. I know nothing about this place, except that the water hurts to land in from 50ft, so having somebody who knows what's what would be useful.

Keeping these in mind, I carefully made my way to the tallest building of them all, which was a tower set in the centre of the village with ornate furnishings and a gleaming gold carriage outside. I could also hear voices coming from inside, as though it were an audience hall of some description. I was almost about to go out of the bushes and head inside, until I noticed the two horses by the carriage. I don't know what it was that made me pause about them.

They were wearing armour, sure, a fair few British military horses get given armour. But the thing about it was that they had spears held in their hooves as though they were stood guard in some way, over some thing. Even more eerie was that they both had almost human-like eyes, and weren't doing...well, horse things, I guess. They were staring straight ahead, not moving, and at full 'attention' like the Queen's guards in London and stuff.

The only problem with me stepping out there was that if they weren't, as I assumed, just horses with spears and armour, then I could easily be impaled. Sure, I could probably take on one of them and maybe come out on top, since I was much more dangerous up close than I could ever hope to be at range, but two of them? I'd probably win, at the cost of one of my lungs and the refund of a new asshole. So, that wasn't really worth the risk. But judging by the actual position I was in, it was more than likely the guy they were guarding the carriage of had gone in the back door. That meant I could probably go around to the front door, and find some way of avoiding detection when I entered. "Alright," I whispered to myself as I began to crawl away from the bushes and move around to the other side of the building, "Let's try the front door."

After about ten minutes of sneaking down alleyways, climbing over fences, and doing a few roof-to-roof jumps (Nearly bloody killed myself on every single one), Imade it to somewhere I'd be able to easily sneak in. I was pretty much hidden, since most of my clothes I had worn in the Outback whilst hunting animals to avoid their sharp senses. But it turned out it would be even more effective; Pretty much all I had seen going into the building were little colourful horses, like the ones I'd seen guarding the carriage around the back. Even more weird was that some had horns, like Nancy's horse-mode, and some others had wings, also like Nancy's horse-mode. The latter ones came flying along lazily into the hall, with a few landing on the wooden porch and trotting in with their friends. I was also slightly surprised to hear that most were talking to each other, in a language I understood. All of these little unicorns, the little horses, and the little...little...uh, Pegasi? I thought for a moment.

I hoped that was right, I didn't want to be racist. I was already on thin ice when a Swedish RED joined my team and every time I went past him I coughed 'Ikea', 'Meatballs', and 'Vikings', so it wasn't really worth making enemies yet. Not until I'd settled in, at least.

After a few minutes of lying in a bush a few yards from the entrance to the building, the stream of entering horses slowed to a trickle, and finally slowed until there was none heading inside any more. I waited two minutes to make sure, and finally went up into a crouch, beginning to enter the building to find out where I could conceal myself. The moment I entered, however, I found myself with quite a few choices.

All around the grand room, there were banners, streamers, and balloons, hung from an upper platform where a few more of the horses were stood. Above that, though, there were multiple arches, and all of them were empty, overlooking the celebration. I smiled to myself, and carefully looped around the crowd using darkness to hide myself. I was almost spotted a few times, which scared the crap out of me at the time, but I managed to make it out of the crowd's view and into a back room. Here, I was able to stand up behind some curtains leading to a stage, and that was somewhere I definitely didn't want to be. "There's gotta be some stairs somewhere." I muttered, walking around the room and moving curtains I could tell didn't lead anywhere. After a few minutes, I was able to find a ladder leading up a shaft to the second floor. I found it just in time, too; behind me as I left, a brown and grey horse with a little scarf thing on its neck and glasses walked into the room. I didn't care; at least I hadn't been spotted.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the horses on the second floor had already vacated downstairs for the brown and white horse giving a speech, so I was perfectly free to grab one of the thick wooden support beams, put my weight against it, and use it to climb up to one of the arches at the top. I still felt slight pain from the water impact, but no PTSD, so I was fine. I also found out I wasn't the most 'physically adept' individual, as when I reached the top I was out of breath and sweating slightly. However, that didn't matter, since I was already there, so I could just sit back, and watch what happened at this festival. From what I'd overheard from some of the horses I had gone past, this festival celebrated a 'Princess Celestia', and she would 'raise the sun at dawn'. This genuinely surprised me. If their entire species was advanced enough to build advanced structures full of advanced mechanisms like lighting, then how the bloody hell hadn't they figured out that the Earth orbits the sun?

None of that mattered or anything. I was just here to wait for a job.

Quietly, I shifted against a post, leaned back, and observed what happened downstairs.

Apparently, on the brown horse's word, 'Princess Celestia' was supposed to appear to raise the sun. But she must have been a lot more powerful than first anticipated, because she was also invisible. I watched what happened down there, and for a minute or so, nothing did. A white unicorn with a purple mane with curls in it came out onto the balcony where the spotlights were directed. She also, not that I was staring, had three diamonds on her ass, and they seemed to be burned or tattooed into the fur. Then, in a strangely British accent, she simply said "She's gone!" This seemed to satisfy the audience's confusion, causing them to all murmur amongst themselves.

Just as I was about to jump down and get ready to help should something be really wrong, I noticed something. All around the second floor, there were strange patches of shimmering light, similar to when a friendly Spy was cloaked. But this glow was...neutral, I suppose. It seemed like really clear glass, shimmering and shifting as the patches moved. I assumed it was nothing; just a trick of the light. But my attention shifted quite quickly as a blue smoke began to form on the top balcony with Mrs English Horse on it. It swirled and condensed in an impressive show, like when you put a smoke machine next to a fan, or throw a smoke grenade at an air conditioning unit. Finally, there was a warp of white light, and after one bright flash a figure appeared that I recognised.

"Nancy?" I said quietly, surprised. She must have been here to give me my job. However, something was off. She was stood, in horse-mode, above all the other horses as though she owned them in some way. She couldn't have been Princess Celestia as well, since the naming here seemed to rely on what you'd do for either a living, or a weird little power or niggle you had. Nancy's horse was called 'Nightmare Moon', and she certainly looked emo enough to earn that title. But Celestia? It was like a reduction of Celestial, a word relating to sun. The sun was cheerful. Nancy-Horse-Mode didn't look cheerful. She laughed in quite an evil way.

"Ah, so good to see my subjects again." she grinned, revealing what I made out as really clean white fangs. "It seems you don't remember your beloved Princess, doesn't it? Well, maybe I have a few friends who can remind you!" I then realised I was wrong about the shimmering. Each of the individual patches dematerialised in a fashion similar to a decloak by a Spy, but with a more liquidated sound, revealing creatures I could only call Aliens. Similar to me, they stood on two legs, but with a third joint inbetween the thigh and shin. Their feet had two armoured toes each, and their thighs had metallic plating with lights on them. Moving up, most had unarmoured stomachs, with thick metal chestplates with lights and panels and ornate carvings of all kinds, and their arms were no less ornste. All of them had large helmets, but with their mouths and lower faces visible. They weren't exactly pretty; all shared the same mouths, with two small maws on either side that pointed in, and their top face was covered with helmets with lights for eye sockets. A few had astronaut-like helmets, and fully white armour, while others were blue, red, gold, or black.

Weapon-wise, all of them were either carrying, or had clipped to their belt, a small, blue laser, with a small beam of energy between the prongs at the end. They reminded me slightly of fish, as they had fins on the end, but that wasn't my major concern. The few golden aliens were carrying small cylinders on their thighs, and either bulky red rifles or massive golden things that could only equate to the alien version of a Rocket Launcher. The ones with the astronaut helmets were carrying slender, purple laser weapons that would likely turn out to be a sniper rifle or something. Unfortunately, even the blue ones, which seemed to be quite numerous in the huge crowds of the aliens on the second floor, were all carrying larger rifles as well as their weird blue laser pistols.

"Ah, damn." I muttered, looking down at them. "I guess I'm the only human here, I'm unarmed, and those guys down there are a fair bit taller than me. I'll probably last 30, maybe 40 seconds against them. Probably less. And they're also threatening innocent horses with lasers. Bugger." I knew I stood no chance if I got on their bad side. And Nancy hadn't called for me yet, or spotted me, so I wasn't entirely sure if I was meant to be seeing this.

"General, send up one of your Rangers to stop anypony from coming near." Nancy ordered the yellow alien closest to her. The alien gave a nod, and pointed to one of the astronaut aliens.

"Wort blarg honk!" It ordered, in my best approximation of what came out of its mouth. Er, maw. Weird squid face. I dunno.

"Blarg...honk?" Asked the other one.

"WORT. BLARG. HONK." Growled the yellow one. The astronaut looked down slightly, then nodded almost cautiously. The horses below were in panic, and the fact that the white alien was able to use a laser jetpack to get up an arch on the other side of the hall. This was when I decided that, judging by the large numbers of the aliens on the second floor, none of them would miss one guy. This also meant I might be able to steal some alien guns, his weird little handle thing, and maybe even his super cool jetpack. Quietly, keeping low in case he turned around, I began to circle around the hall to take him by surprise. What I was hoping was that since Nancy called him a 'Ranger', that meant he'd probably specialise in long range combat like a Sniper. So with any luck, when I got to him, he'd be crouched down and zoomed in, not paying attention to his local surroundings. I'd taken out a few inexperienced enemy Snipers like that, and it was fun to watch their look of sheer shock as the enemy Sniper, who they were meant to be shooting from a distance, had managed to literally walk up to them and put a knife in their throat.

One of the biggest perks of my plan was that I'd get one of their alien guns, which would probably be useful against Nancy and her aliens. Yep, you heard that. I'd seen exactly what Nancy would do to innocents, and attacking civilians wasn't my thing.

I'm an assassin, not a gunman.

The alien wouldn't care; Hopefully, he wasn't as skilled at point blank shooting as he was at being a big white alien with a laser.

I Should Have Worn a Mac

I spent a minute or two keeping an eye out downstairs, just in case Nancy, who I'd now decided to go against, was going to start doing something cruel, like executing prisoners, but most of my attention stayed on the angled roof I was walking on. This alien was a big guy, and even when he was crouched down he was still just over my head in height. If he spotted me, and decided he didn't like my face, he could probably laser a hole into my chest, punch me off the roof, or kick me off the roof, either down into the street or into the hall. Personally, I was kind of hoping that he'd kick me into the street, since there were a lot more of his bow-legged buddies down in the hall. I was within about 5 metres of him, and hefting a wooden pole I'd found for the purpose of bludgeoning him with, and by my luck he decided then was the correct time to begin making his way to the other side of the hall roof. In that brief moment we made eye contact, he seemed to be contemplating raising the alarm. There was another alien in a hat and boots that had been sneaking over to him, for the expressed purpose of bashing his skull in and stealing his guns and weird handle thing that probably held some significance to him.

And now he was looking the alien in the eyes, unsure what he was meant to do.

I knew what I had to do. Carefully, I raised my hand in a small wave, and the results were...interesting. The alien raised his fist and growled 'wort wort wort' in anger, before raising his rifle. Before he could pump off a shot, I ran forward and cracked him in the face with my pole, stunning him slightly and causing him to drop the laser. It bounced on the roof, skidded slightly, before dangling on the edge leading down into the hall. I had no time to go get it, as the larger alien gave me a swift punch in the face, which nearly knocked me over, followed this up with another punch, and then moved around to my side, raised a foot, and as I was turning, let loose the most painful kick I have ever received. It only hit me in the stomach, but I felt my internal organs grate against my Übercharge implant and my ribs. That was the least of my worries. With my weapon out of reach, and his weapon out of reach, I slammed against one of the thick support poles, and this towering alien just walked right up to me, reached down, and grabbed me by the neck, raising me up high. I knew that good etiquette in this situation was to kick him in the stomach as much as possible, but that wasn't really working; he barely even flinched when I gave it some power and a steel toecap bashed him in the ribs, seemingly because his armour was absorbing the impact.

Finally, I did the best thing I possibly could have done. I raised my knee to my torso, and then booted him directly in the helmet. It definitely had some response; the glass cracked violently, and a little red warning light came on inside his helmet. He dropped me almost immediately, and staggered backwards whilst clutching his helmet to sort out the massive system error I'd caused. Now, I'd love to glorify how I got that weird little handle off his belt. I'd love to say that I dropkicked him off the building and grabbed it off his waist as he fell, or something like that. But no, I'll say it as it was; I was gagging for breath after he dropped me on the floor, and he was staggering about whilst trying to sort out his breathing equipment. Maybe he couldn't breath the air I could, maybe he could. But he was waving his arms around, grabbing poles, all sorts. When he stood next to me, making coughing noises in his helmet, he must have pressed the wrong button or something, since all of the lights on his armour turned off, the alarm in his helmet stopped, and the tiny handle simply dropped in front of me. No big show and dance, I grabbed it, and using the strength I'd gotten back, I stood up, stepped back a bit, and rugby tackled him down into the hall.

I could hear the massive panic from below when one of their captors was thrown down by another alien with unknown intentions and I agreed: Even I hadn't expected to get this far, and didn't have a plan. I couldn't think of one, though, since my mind was preoccupied with not landing on the floor without using this guy as a landing mat. I managed to flip him onto the bottom of the fall, resulting in him smashing through the edge of the second floor balcony and flipping around in the air as he did so. In the ensuing rotations, I was violently thrown into the crowd of horses below, all of which scattered in panic when I landed face-first onto the wooden floor. I was definitely stunned by this; I stood up, and staggered to a nearby pole to get some support while my head stopped burning. Suddenly, there was a voice.

"Well, Mr Face." Nancy laughed from the balcony above. "I see you've made quite the entrance. Have you come to help in the subduing of these night-fearers?"

"No, actually," I shot back, finally limping to the centre of the room. The crowd of horses parted as I walked through them, before forming a circle around me while I looked back at Nancy. "I was here to see what this building was, then it was full of horses, and I didn't get it, so I sat on the top arches, and then you appeared, then your guys appeared, and I didn't like the idea that you were...were...gimme a sec, I need to get breath back." I muttered. Nancy simply raised an eyebrow in ah unamused way. After a few seconds, she spoke again.

"Are you quite done?" she sighed.

"Yeah, I think so." I whistled. "Jesus, your thugs have got a mean bloody kick. So, yeah, I didn't like the idea that you were planning to subdue these horses when they hadn't done anything, so I figured I should stop you."

"You can't; You signed my contract!" Nancy laughed evilly. The audience gasped in horror at this corporate scheme! "It was in section B, paragraph 1, line 3! 'Upon the signature of this contract, you will be serving under Nightmare Moon, Nancy Michaels, ONI First Lieutenant Nancy Michaels, Freelancer Captain Nina Miller, Ni'adro Vaduum, and all other guises used by Nightmare Moon'." I raised my finger to make a point.

"Ah!" I shot back, surprising the audience. The aliens had no idea what was going on. "But you forget section G, paragraph 9, line 4! 'This contract is made null and void upon; The irreversible cease of all life functions, the murder or intentional manslaughter of any co-worker, or upon reaching retirement age'! So suck it! I probably killed that guy!" I pointed to the still form of the alien I'd rugby tackled. "And you also said you used guises! That's NOT cool! I thought Nancy Michaels was a really hot woman that wanted to give me a job, and you lied! Goddamn you!"

"The law states nothing about using guises to employ workers." Nancy shot back, rolling her eyes. I could see the little white English horse slowly sneaking backwards, away from Nancy. To my surprise, a purple unicorn got involved in the argument, stepping forward and slightly pushing me out of the way. She was only up to about the height of my stomach, but she had a look of determination I hadn't seen since that one BLU Sniper, upon the expiry of the rest of his team, 5 gunshot wounds to the chest, and a broken leg, continued to push the bomb cart, knowing he wouldn't get out of the situation alive. It was rather touching to see his devotion, until it detonated and destroyed 500 tonnes of highly explosive gravel, critically wounding 40% of RED team and losing us the match.

"Actually," the little unicorn began, "I've studied Equestrian Law for 2 years, and I can say that there actually IS!" The audience gasped at this legal accusation. The aliens had long put their rifles and launchers and whatnot down, and began playing catch with small blue balls that were probably grenades. "According to section 7 of the Corporate Employment laws, it states that 'No employer can turn down a request for employment due to age, gender, species, or disability, nor can they use seperate guises in order to attract potential customers or workers'!" Nancy's eyes began darting in guilt, and the aliens were mostly just pacing around, waiting for something interesting to happen.

"Come now, you two," Nancy smiled warmly, "Can you not see that I am beyond legal reasoning? These Elites I have with me here have grown restless. I feel as though they wish for excitement, do you not agree?" One of the golden 'Elites' stood up, grabbing the handle from his thigh and leaping down from the second floor. He was definitely aggressive, since he barged horses out of the way to get to me. Then, on his way over, he gave his handle a sharp flick downwards, causing a loud sparking sound to come into life, as well as two pointy blades of blue, sparking energy. Just by the way he was carrying it, I could tell it was a sword of some description, and that he was probably going to run them through my chest. I looked at the handle in my hand. It had two more bulbous parts on its ends, and a larger pronged piece on the handle. So, ensuring I was probably holding it the right way, I looked at it briefly, beginning to backpedal from the enroaching Elite, and gave the weapon a sharp flick. Instantly, the two aforementioned blades materialised on either side of the handle, and crackling energy extended a few feet to form a rather nice looking knife.

I took a ready stance, and the Elite stopped a short distance from me, creating what was probably due to be a dueling lane. He gave Nancy a curious look, tilting his head. "Sic 'em." Nancy said unenthusiastically, before turning to the crowd. "As for you, my little ponies, enjoy this sunset, for it will be your last. From now on, the night...will last...FOREVER!" It took only a few seconds for me to realise I was meant to be duelling the Elite. He began circling around the hall, and I mirrored his action, keeping eye contact with him, as well as looking for something I could use to take him out. We circled each other for a minute, and it was getting more and more tense, and I still hadn't found what I could use to bash his face in. I knew that if he was as skilled at close-quarters combat as I was, it'd be an even match; I was probably the most skilled Merc I knew of that played with blades and horrifically mutilated Spies and such like, so I could just hope this guy was just as good at bladed combat as any other guy. Finally, the Elite reached down with his left claw-hand and flicked a small thing on its belt. Then it spoke.

"Heretic," he snarled. Everybody was shocked at the fact that he spoke the Queen's, and I was more shocked than anybody. "You have no place on the Path to Transcendence, and you slow the progress of the Great Journey. However you seem to be worth fighting. I will take great pleasure in fighting you. Though I walk the Path, I will fight a blockage for it halts the progress of the entire Covenant." I blinked.

"What?" I asked. "I have no idea what you're bloody going on about. I bet Nancy does. NANCY! WHAT'S THIS GUY GOING ON ABOUT?" I yelled up to black-and-blue-evil-horse. She rolled her eyes in frustration.

"It's an ancient belief that all those who believe will transcend mortal life after death to walk a great path, and this leads to Godhood." she shot back. "I wouldn't expect a heretic to understand." The Elites around her roared their approval, picking up weapons and readying them. I was still circling the speech-Elite. "Come, my friends! Let us march onwards to glory!" Instantly, Nancy turned into a blue smoke, making a rapid sweep around the room and knocking me over, before halting in front of the Elite. "You will fight him. You will kill the heretic. And upon death, you will walk the Path." she said to him in a soothing voice. I noticed some of the smoke moving beneath his jaw(s) in an almost seductive manner.

"Pfft, slut." I muttered, getting back to my feet. Nancy took that moment to fly out of the door, followed by countless Elites who jumped down, barging everything out of the way, and finally exiting quickly through the door, all roaring loudly as they followed their leader. This left me, the horses that had stayed behind to watch, the one purple horse that had joined me in circling, and the Elite. "No, purple horse, stop joining in." I said firmly, looking at the horse in question. She (Judging by her voice) was about up to my stomach, maybe a tad more, and seemed to have styled her dark purple hair into a fringe with a pink stripe in it. On her ass, again not like I was staring, she had a pink star with smaller stars around it. However, she looked back at me in adorable determination.

"No, I'm going to help you with this." she shot back. "I just arrived here, and I think I know how to stop Nightmare Moon. We have a common goal. So, even though I'm not comfortable with killing, I'll help you in any way I can." I knew I wouldn't be able to disagree with that.

Suddenly, movement. The Elite roared, charging forward, leaping towards me, and swiping down with his sword, which I deflected with my own. Sparks flew everywhere, and the gathered crowd gasped at the actual fighting instead of a legal argument. While he'd lowered his blade, I issued a swift kick to the stomach, causing him to stagger back slightly. He got back into his ready stance, and we continued circling. "A fluent move, yet had I been ready it would have cost your life. Think! Always keep an eye on your opponent's movement, lest he cut you down due to your error!"

"Alright, gotcha." I nodded, continuing to circle him. "Have you still not realised that she's using you? What did she promise to pay you for helping her?"

"She promised my family that they would go on the Path, no matter what." he snarled. "And my family is who I fight for."

"But did you consider that she may well be simply lying to you?" I shot back. "If you die, and your family dies, what if you're wrong? What if she lied to you to get you to do her bidding, then simply casting you away upon death or your completion of the task?" He growled, and ran towards me. He uses his right hand for his blade. Better dodge right. The moment he was within range, I dived to the side to avoid his strike. He skidded along upon his miss, and then stabbed the floor to halt himself.

"Never imply the death of my loved ones." he snarled. "But you pose a fair question, and I will entertain it. Maybe she was lying to me. Maybe she lied to all of my troops, to you, to everyone else she brought here. What do you suggest doing to gain revenge?" I thought for a moment.

"Burn the traitorous heathen." I replied. "If you call me a Heretic, do you mean my species, or me in general?"

"Your species is hiding some of the greatest Forerunner artefacts the Covenant has ever known to exist. Oracles, Cartographers, and maybe even the Ark. Yet you hide them from us. And we will burn your worlds to find them."

"But yet she hired a 'heretic' in the knowledge that she had also hired YOU!" I cried in frustration. "It seems counterproductive to hire the enemy of somebody that she also hired. What if she hired MORE humans? Then what would you do? She'd have lied to you, to the humans, and to your troops. Most important to me, she lied to me." The Elite ran forward again, holding his sword like a joust as he charged. This time, I calmly stepped out of the way, allowing him to stick his blade into the wooden beam behind me. I watched the wood splinter and char as the blade went straight through it, the prongs appearing on the other side. Growling, he delivered a swift kick to my gut, and it held nowhere near as much force as the one that the white alien did. It still hurt like hell, I noted as I went backwards. I straightened my hat with my free hand. "And I suppose you don't think that these horses-"

"Ponies." corrected the purple one again.

"-ponies deserve a chance?" I asked. "They might be willing to believe in the Great Journey. Have you asked?" The Elite paused.

"No." he sighed. "I have not." Slowly, he turned to a grey and dark grey pony with a purple music note on her ass. "Would you believe in the Journey, if you were to know what it is?" The pony looked surprised.

"Uhm..." she stuttered. "W-Well, as long, uh, as long as it wasn't, um, insistent on fighting, then...sure, I'd be fine with believing in it." The Elite seemed genuinely surprised. I began fiddling with the Energy Sword to try turning it off while the Elite made a round of the room, asking ponies if they would believe. Suddenly, there was a tapping on my leg. I looked down, to see the purple pony again. She was smiling, this time.

"Well, it seems you managed to defuse quite the fighter there." she smiled, before extending a hoof. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. I might need your help with something, if you'd be willing to join me." I paused.

"Why trust me?" I asked. "I did say that I signed a contract with her." Twilight laughed.

"Null and void, remember?" Sighing, I shook her hoof, and figured that I might just have found who'll show me what's what.

I Don't Want a War

I followed Twilight out of the confusion in the Town Hall, keeping quiet as the alien began making friends with the locals, and we went back through the town in the direction of a large tree. Of course, this confused me. Turning to my new co-worker, she seemed unfazed by the facts that she was both working with an alien and that she wanted to go to a tree. "Twilight," I began, not dropping pace and continuing to fiddle with the sword I had obtained. "I'm just gonna ask why we're headed to a tree? I thought we were going to your 'library'." She looked back up at me, and I genuinely felt a lot taller than everyone else, including her.

"We are," she replied, "The tree is the library. Don't you have different shaped buildings in your world? Maybe your house?"

"Don't have a real house, I live in a camper van. But yeah, most other buildings are different." I looked around. She seemed to be asking a strange question, considering our surroundings; Almost all of the buildings I could see looked exactly the same. All of them shared the same thatched roof, same brown wooden support beams, same white walls, same red doors, everything. Some houses were accurate even down to the plants in the pots, but I couldn't see many other similarities due to the 'eternal darkness' that Nancy had set across the land. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the Elite I took down got back up, and after some convincing he began to consider the idea that he'd been lied to, and stopped being unnecessarily violent. I felt as though I'd accomplished the impossible, something that'd be impossible on Earth: I convinced a homicidal alien with a sword to convert from psychopathic religious ideals into those that allowed him to speak with the equine-based society.

Just then, we arrived at the library. I assumed that she would knock on the door to the huge, great oak tree with windows and platforms and balconies of all kinds. Instead, Twilight lit her horn, and swung open the door. The lavender mare looked at me with a smile. "Go on, enter." she encouraged. Cautiously, I stepped into the library. It had lights on inside, and it was illuminating a grand room with books lining shelves that were literally made from the tree. Each had been engraved into the wood (Or is the correct word 'carved'? I'm no carpenter...). However, the one thing I really identified was the fireplace. As Twilight began to go over bookshelves with all the speed of a thousand accumulated Gazelles, I simply stood and stared at the fire in bemusement. Finally, after about two minutes, I leaned back to speak, not taking my eyes off the fire.

"Ah, question?" I asked, refraining from raising my hand.

"Yes, what is it?" she replied quickly, undoubtedly flicking through some other books. I could see the pile of books gathering in the faintest reflection in the lenses of my sunglasses.

"Who the bloody hell puts a fireplace in the middle of a tree?" There was a sigh from behind, punctuated only slightly by the warm blaze in front of me.

"I'll...explain later," Twilight said in an almost exasperated tone. "Right now, I think the best plan is to find out how Princess Celestia defeated Nightmare Moon the first time. Quickly, come help me look for information, start flicking through the shelf!"

"Miss, hate to sound rude or anything," I started, raising a finger to make a point as I turned to face her, "But I can barely read any text around here, it's all a bunch a' squiggles the way I see it. You all speak the Queen's English, why don't you write it, Shiela?"

"Because," Twilight snapped, using the weird sparkle horse powers to push a book against my chest with a less than amused expression on her face, "We just don't need to, this is Equestria, and if you're gonna stay here after we get the Princess back, you'll go by our rules, got it?" I glared back into her eyes. That sword from earlier was pretty effective at cutting through wood, maybe I could get it through her thick skull, too?

"You're bloody stubborn," I spat, flicking the book open to be faced with squiggly lines I couldn't read. "You really don't get this do you? I'm from another bloody country from this, maybe another bloody planet, I'm talkin' to a purple magic horse, I recently had a sword fight with an overzealous psychotic crocodile that walks on two legs and spouts religious toss in every sentence, and now I'm standin' in a pissin' tree readin' books written in a language I don't get! Why couldn't I just stay back home, maybe with a girl I picked up on my travels, picking off high-value targets for a large sum of money then probably gettin' arrested and managing to be bailed! I'm a Mercenary! I don't do...words!" Twilight just looked back with a flat stare.

"You're a Mercenary." she said in the most unamused way I've ever seen. "Learn to word."

It was about half an hour into the evening when the door suddenly slammed open, knocking down a large stack of books that toppled in my direction. It wasn't anything worth dodging; from an external point of view, it'd just look like I was any other solid object, and that they all bounced off me with no effects. However, as the hardbacks hit the floor, my biggest concern changed from picking it all up into an orderly way to trying not to laugh at the bright bluePegasus that had suddenly appeared in my field of view. It had its hooves on my shoulders and was clearly straining to push me over, and it had a brightly coloured rainbow hairdo and tail. "You're goin' down, monster!" it yelled in a rather tomboyish voice. I stood resolute, barely making an effort to stay stood up as I continued trying to read the book I was holding.

"Mmm, 'fraid not, Shiela," I sighed calmly. "Twilight, are you sure you really can't pay me for this? I'm pretty sure that helping in a library didn't mention a bright blue rainbow Pegasus flying in and trying to take me down."

"Face, just..." Twilight held a hoof to her forehead in what seemed to be frustration, before making the universal 'pipe down, alright?' gesture with a less than awake face. Then, she turned to the group of five other horses, I assumed all of them were female. "What are you all doing here, I already said I didn't want to speak with anypony."

"What about anything, huh?" the pink one suddenly cried in a rather cheerful way. Then, she appeared on top of my hat brow, flipping in front of my field of vision from above and scaring the hell out of me. I panicked and dropped the book, grabbing onto the pink horse and holding it like a small dog or baby; right in front of me, hands at its sides.

"Jesus Christ, where'd you come from?" I asked quickly. I let my eyes flick to the rainbow one being held back by the orange one in the hat, then looked back at my hands.

The annoying pink one was gone.

"Bloody hell, how?!?!" I cried in frustration, looking around for her. The other horses around the room looked at me and clearly stifled chuckles. "What?"

That's when I felt it.

Tapping up and down on my head, moving my head up or down in accordance, there was most certainly a small pink horse bouncing up and down on the top of my hat. Finally, I sighed, lowered my head and ran my thumb and forefinger over my eyes. "Oh, I'm bloody dreaming, tell me this is all some crappy nightmare I can wake up from..." I muttered, beginning to walk around the room. Twilight ignored me, and began to adress the other girls. I paid no attention to what she was saying.

I really just had to think about...stuff.

"So why trust me?" I asked once more as all seven of us advanced through the town. I was receiving mixed responses from the townsponies or whatever I was to call them: Some glared with spite and cried 'traitorous beast!', while others smiled and nodded, delivering words of encouragement and complimenting my decision to change affiliations. It was still dark out, so a lot of lights had been turned on very quickly and it was almost as if they'd been prepared for eternal lights-out as the houses were lit up, street lamps were illuminated, and ponies seemed to be either heading home to wait for it all to blow over, or to go about daily business. Heck, even a few market stalls were set up, like the daylight was still hotter than the sun in the middle of July. I did, however, agree with their decision to not wear clothes all the time; they had fur, and they seemed to be still pretty hot in that. I looked down at Twilight again. "As far as any o' you are concerned, I could be takin' the piss and be working on my own secret agenda, against Nancy and you lot." The blue Pegasus, who I found out was named 'Rainbow Dash', leapt at the opportunity to try and get me away.

"Aha!" she cried, darting in front of my face again. "I knew it! He's not with us, guys, he's still working for Nightmare Mo-"

"Nancy." I corrected.

"-NIGHTMARE MOON!" Rainbow yelled. "C'mon, how can we trust him? He said himself that he signed a contract with Ni-"

"Nan-"

"JUST SHUT UP, MONKEY!" Rainbow said angrily. "I won't let you hurt anypony in Ponyville without going through me, first!"

"Alright, Shiela." I replied, before resuming my walk and easily moving her out of the way. "I really don't give a toss what you think I'm doin', but my idea is to go along with this." I explained as the 6 mares followed behind. "This is the best adventure I've been on in bloody years, so I don't think ending it by being arrested is the best way to finish this."

"But," 'Rarity' objected, "You said you worked as a...um...what was the word?"

"Mercenary: Paid killer," I replied. "Your point being?"

"Well," the Engineer-related horse replied, who I couldn't remember the name of, "Y'all must have been on some mighty adventures while...you...y'know...killed people?"

"Nope, not really." I dismissed her with a hand. "I stayed in the same facility, Badwater Basin Serial Number #6135, did the same thing for years, and I was fired for sucking at my job. The most 'adventurous' thing I did was sneak behind enemy lines and slaughter their Snipers with a machete, and even then I almost died because some wanker launched a bomb into the room I was in and nearly killed me. Went unconcious for 4 hours and my team assumed I was dead. So you think that's an adventure, go ahead and enquire. Otherwise, I just want to go find Nancy and bring her to justice."

"And what would you know about justice?" Rainbow spat, flying in front of me and glaring. "From what I can get from what you're tellin' us, you killed people. You killed for MONEY. The most 'justice' you could do is telling your evil employer that somebody stole a sword from someone else!" The other girls seemed to be considering this, and we finally reached the bridge crossing to a large forest. They called it the Everfree, and it was supposedly an 'unnatural' place because the clouds moved by themselves and animals looked after themselves. "C'mon, guys, why are we trusting him? Am I the only one who wants to keep Equestria safe?" The other girls looked down in consideration.

"Well, what could you possibly need me to do to prove I hate that Nancy lady?" I asked in frustration. "Come on, Shielas, gimme somethin' to work with here. I'm here against my will, just tell me what to do that'll get you bloody ponies to stop hating me." They seemed to be really considering this, looking at each other. Finally, after about ten seconds, Twilight looked at me.

"Give us a moment, Face," she said, eyes narrowed. Rainbow looked at me in an almost victorious way. I looked at her in the way that most of the time I reserved for when I noticed someone doing a lot of damage to my team. The girls promptly huddled, leaving me to lean against the wall of the bridge and look into the water below. I could still see the slicked mud where I'd pulled myself out of the water, but that almost seemed like an insignificant event. Just then, I noticed something in the reeds just near the point where bridge met river.

A long silver barrel with bolts either end to secure a rather battered robot skull into place was peeking from the top of the watery plant, and I could just make out the hilt of my Bushwacka beneath it. I must have forgotten them when I received the intense pain from landing. Smiling, I leapt over the bridge wall into the shallow water that just barely reached my waist, and waded my way over to retrieve the weapons. I could hear Rainbow yelling 'Get back here' in a voice that seemed to try and command attention. But as with all commanding things, it is quite easy to ignore them. Grabbing the barrel of my rifle and yanking it free of the reeds, I performed a brief functions test to make sure it could still operate and then I ripped the Bushwacka from the ground, slipping it into my back-sheath to keep it secure. All I needed to carry was my beloved rifle. Sighing in content, I made my way back up onto the bridge. The girls gave panicked looks as they realised I was now more heavily armed than before, and Rarity and Twilight both set their horns glowing with what I assumed was magic that'd kill me, or, at the very least, incapacitate me.

"Calm it, Shielas," I said, gesturing for them to stand down as I approached. "Just had to pick some things up from Ground Zero. Now, you decided what ya need me to do?" Pinkie Pie immediately pulled a dramatic stance and began advancing slowly.

"Are you ready, Warrior Face, to receive the challenge you so desire?" she asked in a rather unnerving way. I tensed slightly and darted my eyes around with a worried look, and the girls behind her seemed no less worried. "It'll be a dangerous task, one you must undertake with great care and consideration, and there will be no turning back. You will face many peri-"

"Just tell me the damn task, Pinkie." I snapped.

"Escort us through the forest!" she giggled, suddenly dropping the super edgy acting and bouncing ahead through the dark woods. One by one, before I could complain, the girls turned and left into the forest, leaving just me and Twilight. As we both followed on, she nudged me.

"Don't worry," she smiled, "I'm not so sure about these ponies either."

"As you can tell, neither am I," I nodded, smirking. I figured I'd stick with Twilight. She was already good to me, and I felt I'd return the favour.

iDidn'tEvenTryToOffendYou

I remained relatively quiet at the back of the group whilst we navigated the forest via a pretty beaten path. While Rainbow seemed to be the one mostly against my presence, a few of the other girls started to wonder why I came along if all I was doing was 'pointing a stick around when there's nopony there'. But, as per most international/interspecies relations, they believed that I couldn't understand what they were saying about me because I wasn't looking at them. It wasn't something I particularly cared about, but if I made it my personal safety precaution that if I heard 'ditch him', 'knock him out', or 'give him back to Nightmare Moon', and then they turned to me, I would be fully within my rights to blow each of their individual brains out if they tried anything bad. I wasn't exactly having the best time from work, so I suppose that being insulted by little horses whilst wandering through a forest wasn't exactly my ideal weekend plan. However, they did seem to be tolerating my presence well.

It must come with being a Sniper: Stay quiet, draw no attention to yourself, and remain unseen until the time is right. Of course, I was brilliant at the first two parts: I could sometimes remain unseen for an entire series of battles before finally being spotted. It was the third bit that always buggered me over: After all, using the time right was what I couldn't do, as was the reason I lost my job in the first place. The ponies didn't seem to mind, though: I did have my knife and gun back, and I had that cool little widget that the alien was running around with, so as long as I was armed, I was happy, and the ponies would feel a bit safer, which made them...marginally more cheerful. It was about twenty minutes into the walk, when we'd passed the point ponies believed was literally the Death Zone as bad as the exit to the BLU base in Badwater, that one of the girls decided to make an effort to speak to me.

She dropped away from the leading group of five, seemingly unnoticed due to her quietness in doing so. The mare in question was, for lack of any other description, bloody adorable: Almost the same colour as the living box of my van (pale yellow, except she wasn't covered in rust, mud, dead animal blood, etc.), and had a mane as pink as a salmon. Her head was hung quite low, and she occasionally flicked her teal eyes up to look at me before quickly looking back down as though I was upset with her. Considering how I had my rifle over my shoulder, held in place by the strap with the robot head on it, and both my pointy weapons were either in my back-sheath or clipped to my belt, I couldn't see exactly how I was intimidating in any way.

But there was...something else. About the mare. The way she carried herself seemed a tad...off. Like she had some deeper secret. I'd read about it in a comic once; Cyborg robot ninja acts all quiet, doesn't say much, kills everything calmly, then when he gets angry...damn. Looking back, I could see why that thing was rated a 'Five-Star Hale Approved Adventure'. I was shaken from my thoughts by the little pony coughing quietly.

"Um...hello," I greeted carefully. 'Easy now Face...don't wanna scare her off...' My voice alone seemed to terrify her; She looked back to the group of girls up front, considering running to join them perhaps. I raised a free hand. "Shiela, calm down, I don't wanna hurt ya. My name's Face." The mare calmed slightly, looking up at my 'reassuring' smile (pretty much a toned-down version of my psychotic grin when I get my knife out). It worked though, because she spoke.

And Oh My Bloody God, was her voice adorable.

"Um...N-Nice t-to meet y-you, M-M-Mr. F-F-F...F...Face..." She seemed terrified, and the problem was that I couldn't simply stop to pat her on the head, gently stroke her, or anything of the like, since A) She wasn't a dog, and B) She'd probably scream and run if I reached a hand out.

"It's OK, I'm not plannin' to hurt ya," I repeated. "You're too innocent to be hurt by the likes of me. I only hurt bad people." 'Real smooth.' The mare looked petrified. "The people I hurt wanted to hurt my friends and blow up my...uh...'house'." (Oh, house is a very strong word for an industrial hellhole with convenient bomb-tracks leading to a convenient fuel storage hole full of the gravel equivalent to thermite). "I do what I can to help, and helpin' you stop Na...Nightmare Moon, is top of my list right now. She's gonna do bad things. I'm here to help you stop her." The mare looked a slight more terrified, and I didn't think that was possible. I looked ahead, narrowing my eyes. "And I'm stopping her by any means required."

Before I was really able to figure out what I'd just said, the mare had already taken off to rejoin the group of girls up front. I, meanwhile, hung back at the rear, seriously considering what I was doing.

I had the perfect opportunity right then. Right there, in front of me. I could've shown myself as friendly, nice, a good guy to hang around with that wasn't evil, but there. I basically just went off on one about how I would kill Nancy when I found her, and the opportunity I had so craved was destroyed. Great. And to make things worse, now all of the girls were casting glances back at me in the manner that many had called 'giving the evils'. I considered shooting them back, but then I realised that A) I only had a finite number of bullets, about 25 at last count, so shooting six would mean I could get about 10 of the guards coming after me due to my hit/miss ratio, and B) if I should them the evils, they'd think I was up to something and probably smite me on the spot using magic.

Just then, in front of us, I noticed a rustling in the bushes, and I quickly began to run towards the group. Rainbow Dash took up a pose that showed she wanted to fight me, and I ignored it, instead moving them out the way, dropping to a crouch, and levelling my gun with the bushes. "What is it, Face?" Twilight asked curiously. She barely even seemed to register that we were in the most sinister place I'd ever seen, we were in the middle of nowhere, and the bushes were rustling with possible hostile intent. Regardless, I kept my aim straight, and spoke through the side of my mouth so as not to shift my aim accidentally.

"Movement in the bushes up front," I replied calmly. "We don't nail this bastard, he'll nail us." There was almost an air of awkwardness the moment I mentioned 'bastard' and 'nail', and it took me a few seconds to register one of the most horrible, horrible things about Equestria up to that point.

They were far too innocent to understand swearing and murder.

Regardless of my depression that was slowly beginning to sink in, the bush rustling became more intense and obvious, forcing the girls to quickly dart behind me as a shield. (They trusted me to be bulletproof, at least.) I tightened the grip on my rifle, narrowed my eyes as the leaves began to part, and...

...it...it was a box.

Literally, I am not even joking, a box walked out of the bushes and then dropped down in front of us. There was quite obviously someone in it, using the cardboard box as a disguise, then it seemed the moment he had seen that we knew he was there, he dropped the box on the floor and remained still. If I hadn't have been paying attention, we...might have walked into the box. And...um...fallen over. The six mares behind me peeked their heads out to look at it in confusion, and I stood up, lowering my weapon. Put simply, I had not been expecting that. I was expecting one of the aliens to surprise attack me, maybe lunge from the bushes with his sword aglow, ready to duel me with super badass background music. I was expecting a Tiger to throw itself through the brush baring its sharp teeth ready to rip us asunder, just like back in the Bush. But no.

This was possibly the thing I had least expected to see, maybe besides Miss Pauling walking out of the bushes with a .44 Magnum revolver.

I looked back at the girls, who seemed to be wearing the same look of confusion as myself, and gave them my best 'what the bloody hell do I do?' face. Twilight shook her head and shrugged slightly. I flicked my gaze back to the box. I couldn't really see any reason why somebody would use a box as camouflage in a forested area, but for all I knew I was the only human in Equestria. So, either a very, very flexible Elite, since the box was small, or another human. Gently placing my gun down, I carefully behind me in a low crouch and pulled my Bushwacka from its sheath. Then, taking care not to alarm Mr. Box (Or whatever his/her bloody name was), I made a slow approach, tentatively reaching my left hand out to poke it.

While it wasn't a reaction I was expecting, the box suddenly lifted up and was thrown back, revealing...what?!

I was thrown backwards into the mud, past the girls and rolling onto my back, before using my momentum to flip back onto my feet and get into a fighting stance. The girls were quick to dive behind a rock, so it meant that it was just me and...the guy. Standing in front of me, there was what could only be described as a generic Japanese ninja robot: Black armour, human-ish facial features, long black katana, and a thick mop of white hair. He also had a black bandana stretching over his head and across his left eye, with a menacing red glow in his right iris. To be fair, he was probably the only really intimidating enemy I'd seen for a while.

He stood to his full height, roughly as tall as me, and turned side-on, raising his katana up. It seemed more like a long piece of metal than any traditional sword, but it was crackling blue, and that was probably not good for me. I kept my ground, standing up and holding my Bushwacka to my right and angling my left slightly towards him, in the stance that all Snipers were trained to use by the manual. Good movement, offense focused, and if they swung at your arm, you could lose your left arm, which, to me, was a useless appendage. I kept my eyes locked with him as the girls hid behind the rock, ready to do nothing helpful should the time arise.

"Who are you?" I barked. The man simply continued to look dramatic, staring me in the eyes and raising his lip in a snarl, which looked quite unnatural considering he had a black metal jaw. Finally, he spoke.

"You first," he snapped in a gravelly voice. "Who are you, and what have you done with the Metal Gear plans?" I blinked. What the bugger is a 'Metal Gear'? He could just go to a garage and get a gear-box, if that's what he meant.

"Metal Gear?" I asked. I felt like a serpent was watching me for stealing its line. "What? I'm just a Sniper, I don't get told any of this stuff."

"Who's your leader?" He persisted, swiping his sword closer to himself and looking like he was ready to stab me.

"I don't have one!" I cried. "I've been bloody fired from Reliable Excavation and Demolitions, so it ain't Redmond Mann, and I don't do work for Nancy anymore, since she's evil, so I don't have anybody bossin' me about! You pointin' that bloody sword at me ain't gonna do much good for gettin' answers, lad, so put yer bloody knife away and we can talk like men!" My words seemed to echo around the clearing, and also seemed to hit home: The man sighed, closed his visible eye, and put the katana into a sheath on his back. It was similar to how I stored my knife, except his was longer, cooler, and robotic. He seemed very distrusting of me, even as I put my machete away, so I suppose words were actually my best weapon.

Heck, maybe I could pull off the same thing I did with the Elite, and calm him down.

"My name's Face," I began. "I'm...I was a Sniper, for Reliable Excavation and Demolitions Incorporated, or RED Team, for short. Almost every day for the past few years, I've been fightin' other Mercenaries from a rival corporation, Builder's League United, or BLU Team."

"RED versus BLU..." the man murmured. He seemed to chuckle at the thought.

"Like that, yeah," I nodded. "Then, about two days ago, my whole team was killed, and I was fired alongside a member of BLU Team simultaneously, so I have suspicions that I was double-crossed..." I paused. "Oh, yeah, anyway, regardless of that, I stole some corporate secrets in some folders along with the guy from BLU, and they had somethin' to do with...aliens, or somethin'. Lots o' pictures. Badly done pictures, but pictures. So, if that's what you're lookin' for, I've got those. Otherwise, a woman called Nancy-"

"Nightmare Moon..." Rainbow Dash whispered from behind the rock.

"-NANCY visited my camper-van when I was leavin' the Badlands. She said she had a job offer, and when I took it, I ended up...here. And I dunno if you've noticed, but this ain't Earth." The ninja in front of me looked around for a moment.

"You're right," he said calmly. Then, he stepped forward, and to my surprise, extended a hand. "Call me Raiden."

TEN MINUTES LATER...

Raiden said he would be more than happy to go on ahead and see if he could find anything relating to Nancy's whereabouts, and after a brief goodbye he took off up the path, vaulting over practically everything in his path and cutting down things he couldn't go through. That included rocks, a large bear, and an oak tree. As I watched him disappear into the woods, I couldn't help but smirk. "That bloody sword..." I muttered, before turning back to the girls with my rifle in hand. "Alright ladies, let's get bloody goin', we're burnin'...uh, 'sunshine'." As I turned to head up the path ahead of the girls, I heard hooves moving up to my right. Doubtless, Twilight was already up and ready to speak to me.

"So, another one defused," she smiled. "You're good at this, have you ever considered being a politician?" I made a 'pfft' noise.

"Tsh, no," I laughed. "Too much paperwork. Being a Mercenary is more my speed: Kill or be killed, paperwork filled in for you, and wear a nice hat."

"Ah, just a suggestion," she whistled, trotting beside me and still just up to my chest in height. "You seem very good at convincing people to help you. An alien, a ninja cyborg, and even me."

"Even you?" I asked.

"Even me. I wouldn't have even considered asking for your help if I hadn't seen you stop a fight with your tongue."

"That sounds painful."

"Regardless, once this is over, I think a visit to Princess Celestia is in order afterwards. She'd probably want to offer you a job or something: After all, you are unemployed."

"I certainly am, and I might even entertain the idea of politics, just for you."

"Pfft. I'm flattered."

"Don't be: I'm no good with women."

And with that one, awkward comment, conversation died and I carried on leading up front.

However...I did think of her words.

I might make a good politician, once I thought about it. Defuse opponents with words, and if it all goes to hell, then I can deal with it personally, Mafia-style.

Sounds like fun.

End of the Fine

Raiden seemed like a genuinely good bloke.

Genuinely. He actually seemed like for a moment that he might help us out in some way. Instead, he shot off ahead, neglected to tell us that there was a massive trench in the woods ahead, and then decided to disappear. Effectively, that left us looking over a bridgeless gap (Of course, with undeterminable depth to rocks below), and the castle we needed to reach was over on the other side. And effectively, that meant our little expedition was screwed. I hocked and spat into the abyss as I looked down into it, undoubtedly getting me a few looks from the girls for being so vulgar. "Bloody hell," I grunted, kicking some rocks down there. I paused briefly, then chuckled, turning to Rainbow. "Those wings a' yours wouldn't be strong enough to be able to lift us over there, eh, Spectrum Head?" She dust blew some mane from her eyes and rolled her irises.

"This isn't a time to be starting arguments, Face," Twilight reprimanded, before moving up beside me and looking into the drop. She narrowed her eyes and focused on something, then smiled. "Rainbow, there looks like there's a rope-bridge still down there. Do you think you could drag the other end into place on the other side and tie it up?" This put some cheer back into the rainbow mare, and she mock-saluted.

"Aye-aye!" she grinned, before shooting down the drop and grabbing a piece of dangling rope. Obviously, as the bridge came up, it became less and less likely that I'd be able to cross it. The planks looked ready to break at any moment, so I instantly doubted that I could cross, being a heavily armed man. I looked down at Twilight.

"Hey, I don't think I can get over this one," I said, giving her a brief nudge with my boot. She raised a brow and looked up at me.

"Of course you can, there's no need to be scared of anything!" she suddenly beamed. "Remember what Pinkie Pie's song said, and you'll do just fine."

"No, you don't get this, I physically cannot go over it." I pointed to the bridge. "Look, you think that'll hold my weight, fine by me. You can do anything that makes that wood stronger, I'll gladly cross. But right now that's like a bridge made of breadsticks. I'll need to find some other way over this gap. If there's any place we can meet, I'll try my hardest to follow you there." Twilight paused.

"Are you sure you can't just cross? We need your help." I groaned, and rubbed my forehead.

"Look...Twilight." I knelt down. "I know that what we're doing is dangerous. We've almost been killed by a cyborg, aliens, and each other. So I honestly understand you have reason to be concerned about me going off on my own. Plus, I still owe you for stepping in with Nancy earlier, otherwise I would have lost that argument and looked like an idiot, and nopony would trust me." Twilight smiled. "You're a smart mare, Twilight. You'll get this done." I scratched behind her ear briefly, before standing up and turning to the other girls. "Well, girls, I'm gonna be heading a different path. I can't get over that bridge, it's too weak. So: Applejack, Pinkie, Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow, Flutterby, it's time for me to go a different way. If I don't see you again, I'm dead."

Applejack inhaled slightly.

"...or a bit lost."

She exhaled.

"Well," I sighed, raising a hand as I turned, "Adiòs, pendejos." The girls gave an assorted mix of 'OK, bye bye' and I could hear Rainbow making a rather indiscreet 'Get lost and don't come back'. I didn't mind though, I thought as I clambered up some tired old rocks. The rope bridge creaked behind me, signalling that they'd started going across. I had a little less time to find a way over the gap and into the castle, so I hastened slightly as I slid down the stones to the waiting dirt. Before I reached the bottom, I leapt from the rock, landing safely on the ground and not injuring myself in the process. Giving my new surroundings a quick once-over to make sure there wasn't any shimmering camouflage in the bushes. When nothing showed up, I looked back at the castle to see if the girls had made it over the bridge, which they had at that point. Smiling slightly, I was just giving the rest of the castle a look when there was something I'm so thankful I saw eight then.

Even in the low light, a blink of light reflecting from a shiny surface caught my attention and I was unwilling to take a chance. I quickly dived out of the way merely a half second before a bullet zipped over my head. I threw myself over a nearby rock to crouch behind it, and fumbled to get my rifle ready as more bullets flew over my hat. I had a sense of déjà vu, since I felt the exact same amount of tension as I did on my last day of work when I crouched behind the jersey barrier, but nevertheless I planned to win this time. Cautiously, I grabbed a nearby stick and slowly peeked it over the top of the rock. Instantly, it was shot straight in half and the top part went flying into the brush. I recoiled sharply, and rethought my ideas whilst my brain argued with itself.

'So, whoever this sniper is, he's good. Really good. He shot a twig in half from over a 20 meter ravine, plus he was on what I think was the top floor of the castle, so he must be an assassin of some kind. Possibly a political one.'

'And why would he be political? He could just be any old marksman!'

'Ah, yes, intelligent side of the brain, but what you're missing is the fact that I am the side of the brain running this body's trigger finger, kicking foot, and psychotic gein systems. And all you have are the holding a rifle arm, landing leg, and smiling systems, so you can't do ANYTHING about this. So shut up.'

'Fine. What's the plan?'

'Well, I was going to say sit here and cry, but that's just lazy. So what I think we should do is make our way over the ravine by using that flimsy looking stone bridge I can see just over there, and then make our way into the castle and find the sniper. Then, we cut him into tiny pieces and steal his hat.'

'Bloody hell, why didn't I just make us commit suicide when I had a pistol that one time?'

'Because a pistol round to the head would do about as much damage as a staple-gun, if it's by Mann Co.'s standard of tech. Still can't believe they fired a guy for bringing a Colt 1911 to work that one time.'

'I don't remember that.'

'That's because you're a boring pleb. Now come on, let's get to that bridge.'

I went into a low crouch, rifle in hand, and prepared to sprint to the next cluster of rocks. I could already feel the crosshairs set just on the side of the rocks to be ready to catch me out, so to make him have a brief delay in actually firing at me, I grabbed the first thing I had, which was the metal handle to that alien sword, and peeked it out. By my experience, metal in any form was completely bullet resistant, as demonstrated by barrels with thin shells, Mann Co. Supply Crate locks, thin tin walls, but surprisingly not Soldier helmets which were DESIGNED to stop bullets. So, with the idea of complete bulletproofing in mind, I held the handle out only for a round to hit it and detonate the remaining 10% plasma in the sword. This wasn't enough to kill me, but it was enough to send me flying backwards and smash my head against a rock.

My vision drifted away into blackness and the last thing I remember seeing whilst out there was a woman in a yellow jumpsuit with blue hair inspecting my rifle.

I could definitely feel something.

It was painful, and I didn't really want to feel that.

My head hurt, that was one thing, but I felt like I was near a fire of some kind and it was warming my body back up from the cold harshness of Nancy's night. Gently, I opened my eyes and cast a glance about. Where was I? There was a stone roof, and as sound returned I could hear gentle violin music playing from what sounded like an old radio set. Turning my head, I was able to identify a window, a small bookcase, tattered banner, and mossy stone walls. I wasn't lying on a stone floor, and this was certainly an unusual prison cell if it was meant to be one. Had I been captured at the same time that Nancy won? Did she decide to suddenly forgive me in some cruel deal that requires me to do politics in exchange for my life? I hoped not.

Wincing, I tried to move but was stopped by a pair of hands. "Stop," said a German accented voice. "You will only do your body even more damage." I lay back down, and turned my head to look at the man speaking. He was a middle-aged fellow in a suit and fedora, with a pair of circular glasses and a satchel of ammunition over his torso. His clothes were quite tattered, and smelled of death: Even from where I was, I could smell the unmistakeable smell of blood that had set into clothes due to a lack of washing. On the days where I'd get a knife kill back in Badwater, I'd normally spend all day being irritated by the smell of my victims innards. He didn't really look that hostile, either. No alien maw, no robot helmet, nothing. He was just a German in a suit.

"Alright," I replied finally. "Who are you, and where am I?" The man sat back slightly, pouring himself a cup of tea from a pot that I was unable to see due to its position.

"My name is Doctor Schwaiger. I worked for the Führer in gathering pieces of the Sagarmartha Relic for his final plan," he explained as though it was an everyday thing to be saying. I was almost tempted to sit up.

"You worked for Hitler? The guy who punched down all those buildings in World War 2? He was pretty evil, are you evil?"

"Was?" he replied, looking at me. "No, no, Hitler did nothing of the sort. Instead, he called upon Satan to help him win against the Allies. And...that didn't end well."

"But what happened?"

"He summoned legions of the undead using arcane magic and rituals. Walking corpses swarmed over Europe, and fairly soon overran Germany. I was just unfortunate enough to have been in Berlin at the time that the dead...stopped being that way." I looked at him. 'Tell him zombies aren't real.'

"Zombies aren't real, mate," I said flatly. He didn't seem taken aback at all.

"Hmmph. As you say. The only reason I am here is because a Mrs. Nancy Michaels-"

"-was looking for someone to help her in Equestria?" I finished for him. He was surprised.

"Yes," he nodded. "How did you know?"

"Same happened to me. Only I didn't like how she treated the civilian population and turned against her. Did she look for you as a Medic or Advisor or something?"

"No, as a Sniper," he replied calmly, gesturing to the window. Now the blurring had gone down, I was able to make out a set of carefully laid out magazines, plus a Springfield rifle. "I survived a fortnight out in the infested city with a German Officer, Russian Soldier, and American Sniper, and then it was only when I stayed awake in a safe house that Mrs. Michaels suddenly appeared and offered me this job. Since I wasn't exactly thinking straight, I took it, and now my entire co-worker force consists of aliens, witches, and robot men." I didn't want to ask about the witches, since I'd already encountered two of those enemy types. I knew Raiden existed, and I had the abdominal bruising to prove I'd met the Elites, so I didn't want the poisoning to say I'd met the witches. Regardless, I pressed on as he got to work bandaging my arms to cover a set of grim looking burns.

"So what happened? Why am I here?" I asked.

"Well," he sighed, "What you did was attempt to distract me by making me shoot a highly volatile container of unregulated plasma, which resulted in an explosion which knocked you out. One of the witches went over to loot you, which I'm certain you will later correct, and then she brought you up here for me to look after. Ironic that I was told to shoot you on sight, hmm?" I winced as he splashed alcohol on my right forearm. "Now, once I've finished these bandages, I believe that Miss Nightmare Moon wishes to see you, so I shall patch you up and promptly take you to her." I frowned.

"Ugh, really?" I grunted. "And here I was thinking I wasn't going to be executed today."

A few minutes later, I was limping down a stone corridor with Schwaiger holding me up, and we were headed towards the large set of doors that presumably had Nancy behind it. It was now that I realized just how little use this castle had really seen: The stone building up the walls was cracked and mossy, the banners lining the halls were ripped and tattered, and windows were either fully broken or fully missing. The thick wooden doors that we passed were either rusted shut or hanging off their hinges, so it seemed Nancy had picked the best room for herself.

Greedy bitch.

Madwater Basin

As I stepped into the room Nancy was in, there was the ever-so-welcoming growling of an alien, the cocking of about two rifles, and the sound of what seemed to be magic charging. Regardless, I continued into the room, limping down the small carpet to arrive in front of Nancy. She was sat atop a tired throne, looking down upon me whilst flanked by two men with similar appearance to Raiden. Their faces were obscured by a metal plate of some kind, but that didn't mean I wasn't picking up bodh language: Universally, having a machine gun aimed at you is recognized as 'Kiss your ass goodbye'. After a few more moments, Doctor Schwaiger had helped me get in front of the throne. I looked to him, and smiled.

"Cheers, Doctor," I said calmly. "I should be able to stand from here. I owe you a drink later, eh?" He briefly paused, before nodding, unhooking his arm from my shoulder and beginning to make his way back to the corridor. As he left, he tipped his hat to the two women guarding the door (Both of which had tattoos and nice hair), and turned to Nancy.

"Miss Moon, if you require anything else of me, I will be more than happy to-" Nancy cut him off with a flash of white in her eyes and a growl, causing him to recoil slightly and hastily make his way out of the room. The doors shut, the two women stood in front of it, and the two robot men moved up next to the alien standing near the window. There was silence.

"So." Nancy began, standing up and beginning a slow advance whilst I clutched my left ribs. "Our paths cross again, Mr. Face."

"You don't say, Sheila," I grunted. "The only reason I'm here is because of first degree burns to my arms. I also went unconcious, and," I turned to point to the two what-I-presumed-were-witches near the door, "One of those two took my gear." The woman in the yellow jumpsuit with the blue hair grinned sheepishly, scratching the back of her head. "But I should also be thanking her for taking me to Schwaiger, so thank you, mysterious blue-haired woman. I owe you a drink." She gave a small smile and nod. I turned back to Nancy. "But enough about me. How've you been, Nancy?" I asked. She huffed.

"Is that how you address your future Queen of Equestria?" she replied. I shook my head.

"Well, what I just said to you was as polite as I could put it. Otherwise, you'd have a heart attack from bad words of the Queen's English. And who even says you'll be Queen?"

"I do. With your little ponies all alone in this castle, they'll never get the Elements of Harmony. And you have yourself to blame for going off alone."

"Could've done worse." I murmured. "Might have died to that cyborg ninja." Nancy's ears perked up.

"Cyborg ninja?" she asked, a small grin setting onto her lips. "Do tell." I paused.

"Nah, I'm fine, thanks." Nancy frowned, and gestured to one of the witches behind me with a quick jab of her hoof. Immediately, the one with red hair had her entire left arm illuminated golden, her eyes ablaze with orange, and she simply reached out a hand. Instantly, I felt something going around my neck and I began lifting off the floor. I felt like I was being strangled. Nancy stepped in front of me.

"I'll ask again, more politely this time," she growled. "Do. Tell." I coughed.

"The hell are you gonna do, Nancy?" I spat. "Kill me? Lose your only valid source of information? Then what? Go back to terrorizing innocent ponies for your own selfish reasons? They do nothing to you, and you still think you own a right of some kind to take rule over their lives?" I looked her dead in the eyes, and she glared straight back into mine.

"No." She said in an eerily calm voice. "But I can make the life you have left the most painful that anybody has ever known." She looked to the woman strangling me. "Lilith, wall him."

"Gladly," she replied. Suddenly, I felt myself going flying across the room, and I was slammed against a wall and it hurt like absolute hell. I was fairly certain my bones would break instantly, but instead I was flung in the other direction incredibly suddenly, prompting the two men and the alien to move as I slammed against the wall on the other side of the room. That time, I heard something crack, and a line appeared over my field of vision. More than likely, it had been my glasses. I was dropped to the floor suddenly, and I lay there trying to get my breath back. I spat out a mouthful of blood as Nancy stood over me.

"One last time, Mr. Face," she said coldly. "Do. Tell." Shaking, I looked up to the tall mare, then over to the two women near the door. The one with red hair seemed to be glaring at me for some reason, but the one with blue hair looked quite sympathetic. Finally, I looked back at the nearby window, and I thought of a plan that'd only work if I was extremely lucky.

"Tch." I chuckled. "That window looks awfully more appealing than workin' for you, Shiela. Do me a solid and throw me out so I don't have to put up with your pissin' about." The sheer bluntness of my request seemed to push Nancy over the edge, and she snapped her head down to look me dead in the eyes.

"That can be arranged!" she practically yelled. "I have little time for insubordinate fools like yourself! Lilith, do as he requested and throw him from the window!" Lilith did as requested, lighting her arm once more, picking me up, and then finally shoving me backwards with force enough to break the window. I just hoped that I'd survive the fall.

A few hours later, or what felt like a few minutes later, I awoke to searing pain throughout my body. I couldn't feel my left leg, and I couldn't see much, but judging from the small glimpse I could see of the world, I'd fallen 7 stories onto something soft. Slowly, I began to start regaining feeling in my limbs, but at some point I felt something sharp being rammed into my neck and suddenly nearly all the feeling came back.

And bloody hell, did it hurt.

I refrained from crying out in pain, instead choosing to grunt profusely in case Nancy was still nearby. I lay there for a moment, breathing heavily as I got used to the pain, but it was only a second or so later that a second sharp thing went into my neck and the pain disappeared completely. I breathed a sigh of relief, and cast a glance around. The night above had disappeared, instead showing soft rays of sunlight starting to appear over the horizon. I couldn't feel the warmth, but I just knew it would be there. I looked around further, and I realized by looking to my left, I must have been in what was probably once a castle courtyard or training area of some kind. Shifting my hand, I could feel hay beneath me, so either that witch was bad at aiming for stones or I was just really lucky.

And upon looking to my right, I was greeted by the sight of the blue-haired woman from earlier. She was kneeling next to me, quietly looking st me with what looked like a look of thankfulness that I was alive. It was also now that she'd saved my life, and I'd taken a good knock to the head, that she seemed quite attractive and I realised I have a thing for blue hair.

"G'day," I greeted. I felt much better after...those...whatever the hell sharp things had been given to me, so I assumed it was a painkiller of some kind. She smiled.

"Hi," she said calmly. "You alright?"

"Much better than I was when your friend was throwing me at brick walls," I replied. "Who are you, again?"

"Oh, yeah," the woman laughed. "My name's Maya. I'm a Siren."

"Siren?" I asked as I sat up. My leg seemed fine, it was just my foot that was twisted. As she began to explain, I began putting joints back in place, which was pretty painful in itself.

"A Siren is a powerful human capable of using energy to their advantage," she explained, seeming to wince as I popped my thumb back into place. "There are only a few in the six galaxies at any one time, and I was one of them. I hunted for the Vault, saved the galaxy, and...well."

"Well what?" I asked.

"I met this woman in Moxxi's bar. Nancy Michaels." I already knew where this was going, and my male instincts were enjoying it. "She said she had a job, and the reward would be a shotgun powerful enough to destroy a Bandit camp in two shells. And to start it, I had to sign a piece of paper, follow her into a back-room, and then..." She paused.

"Yeah, I get it. She did the same to me," I said calmingly. She looked at me.

"Ew, she was a bit of a slut," Maya frowned. "But anyway...yeah. She...basically...rammed her tongue down my throat and I basically kinda enjoyed it, but that's not the point. Not even a few seconds later I was in this castle, and a few hours later, Lilith came along as well."

"You mean your friend who likes strangling me?" I asked. Maya nodded.

"Well, it's not her who likes hurting you, it's Nancy, and Nancy had put some weird collar onto Lilith when she got here to make her obey. Pretty weird and kinky if you ask me. Anyway, she didn't put one on me, since I signed the paper, and it was only after you revealed what she was really doing in Ponyville that I decided to go against her."

"Welcome to the club," I grunted, putting my index finger back in place and giving it a few test movements. Painful, but I'd get over it. "And how did I survive that fall? That's like seven or eight stories." Maya grinned.

"You have me to thank for that," she said proudly. "The moment you went out the window, I chucked a grenade in the room to get rid of the guards then I phasewaeped down here to catch you. You're pretty tough for a guy your size."

"And you're pretty strong for a girl your size." I shot back. We both looked each other in the eyes and smirked. "I think it'd be best if we got moving on Nancy. Where is she?"

"Gone," Maya replied. I blinked as she helped me to my feet.

"Gone?"

"Yep. Six ponies came in and when she went to go 'deal with them personally', she was destroyed by the power of a big kick-ass rainbow. We've won."

"And what about all the guys she brought here?"

"Free. The moment she went down, they all stopped hunting for me and started wondering what happened and where they were. Schwaiger didn't really change, and he headed off to Ponyville earlier. Lilith's collar came off, and I think she feels pretty guilty about throwing you at the wall. Sun god came back, those six ponies are happy with that, Nancy turned out to be a smaller version of Nancy that's related to the Sun god, sun's come back up, I saved your life, and now I think you owe me." I chuckled.

"Actually," I remembered, "You owe me. Where's my rifle?"

"Oh, that old thing?" she replied. "It's pretty obsolete tech-wise where I come from, but in terms of power? The thing's practically a rocket launcher. And it was made by 'Mann Co.'? Who're they?" I dismissed her with a wave of my hand.

"I think I'd have to explain that later, once we're at a bar where I can get those drinks I owe you," I replied, turning to face her. "But for now, I think we should head inside and congratulate the girls on the win." Maya nodded, and walked up beside me as we entered the castle. "By the way, how long was I out for?"

"About two hours, why?"

"Just wondering. I figured the girls would be able to win before sunrise, and so they did."

Once we'd made it to the large chamber where Nancy had been defeated, I could see the six girls stood around a taller, white horse that looked similar to Nancy. I figures this must have been 'Princess Celestia', since she seemed much more bright and cheerful than Nancy. She had a strange motherly air about her, but I didn't care. At least she was back. The girls hadn't noticed me yet, so I did the best thing I could and raised a hand from behind them. "G'day, Sheilas!" I called out. The first one to respond was Twilight, who smiled, turned, and teleported over. She immediately began rubbing her head against my chest as I knelt down to oat her on the head. "Smoothly done, Twilight," I chuckled. "Couldn't have done this better myself." Once she finally moved off, the other girls made their approach over.

"But where were you?" she asked. "You said you'd try and meet us in the castle." It was also then that she noticed my bandaged arms. "And what did you do to yourself this time?" I dismissed her with a wave of the hand.

"Long story short, I tried distracting a sniper by holding an explosive sword. He shot it, boom, first degree plasma burns on my arms. But, I was patched up by this Doctor Schwaiger bloke, and he took me to Nancy then headed to Ponyville. Nancy tried interrogating me about Raiden, then had me thrown out of a window, and Maya here nursed me back to health." I gestured to the Siren behind me, who waved with a small grin and earned a glare from Rainbow. Everyone else seemed welcoming of her, though. "But you guys beat Nancy, and that's what counts. Good on ya, mates."

"Yes," Princess Celestia suddenly said, prompting all of the girls except Maya and myself to bow. She was fairly tall, taller than me if you'd count the horn. But I never did, so I was the tallest of all the unicorns. "And I believe that they wouldn't have made it without your help, Mr. Face." She had pink eyes, I had no idea what I was supposed to say.

"Eh, I try," I shrugged. "Maya here turned against Nancy as well, so if I'm being congratulated on doin' nothing, you're congratulating Maya, as well."

"Certainly," Celestia smiled warmly. "Once we return to Ponyville, you will be given proper honours, and we can see about finding somewhere for you to live until we figure out how to send you back to your homeworlds."

"Sounds nice," Maya noted. "Though I do think Face and I should share accommodation, for...reasons." All of them grinned, and I could feel my face heating up.

"Eheh..." I trailed off. "Yeah. Alright. Now, we gonna celebrate what you girls did or what?"

The War on Parties

Quite honestly, I was amazed how a little forest incursion, a few broken ribs, dislocated limbs, first degree burns and then coming back alive could change public opinion. All around as we entered, ponies were cheering for the girls (Thoroughly deserving of that praise, they kicked Nancy right back to hell) and their 'Guardian' that pulled them through. I honestly didn't think I needed, deserved, or wanted ponies cheering my name right then. At that time, I was following along behind them with rifle in hand (So kindly returned by Maya), and with my new friends following. We'd picked up Schwaiger on the way back, after finding him holding a map open against a rock. There was a brief moment where we thought that Rainbow was going to try and sock him one on the jaw (Keyword: Try), but that quickly passed when I called over to him. The walk back with the Elements wasn't really that 'talky' for we humans: Mostly, we kept to ourselves for the trip back to Ponyville, and the little speaking we did do with each other was mostly limited to a few questions about previous work, why we were here (I didn't need telling twice), and most importantly, if we could get home.

As I looked over at Maya during the celebration, I could see that she didn't seem too comfortable with the cheerfulness. It was like she was anticipating, wanting something to go wrong. I don't know how things were done on Pandora at the time, but judging by her constant fiddling with her fancy acid SMG it mostly revolved around 'Shoot first, take everything, sell it later'. A look to Schwaiger on the other hand, and you'd hardly know that he'd just been working for the very enemy that I'd just went to go defeat. He had his Springfield slung over his back, offering small waves to ponies who gave the gesture prior, and he, unlike Maya and myself, was smiling. I could understand that this was probably the least murky place he'd been for years, especially after surviving the Second World War and an undead apocalypse, but he just seemed too comfortable with it. Did he even know that we might not be able to make it back?

I frowned, and continued behind the Elements as a gleaming golden chariot swept down from the sky, carrying Princess Celestia and Mini Nancy. Twilight, being Twilight, was ecstatic to see her mentor, immediately galloping up to receive a hug. Or...neck...hug...thing. I'm not good with emotions. The other Elements moved up beside Twilight, and the crowd went quieter. "Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity Belle, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash," she began. The girls puffed their chests out in pride. "As Princess of Equestria, it is my great pleasure to officially grant you the title of the 'Elements of Harmony'." That small sentence somehow set off the crowd into another round of cheering. Once again, the Elements gave out waves, but this time, Twilight looked less pleased. "What is the matter, Twilight? You're now free to return to Canterlot and continue your studies. Are you not pleased?" Twilight looked at Celestia sadly.

"Thank you, Princess," she sighed, "But it's just that now I've learned the magic of friendship, I have to leave my friends behind." The crowd went slightly quieter. I raised a hand.

"Don't make the mistake of leaving your friends alone, Twilight," I smirked. "You still have friends to return to, all of mine are probably dead at the moment. You've got some, stick with 'em. 'Sides, last time I left a friend alone, he'd managed to set himself on fire and get his foot stuck in a bucket. Not saying your friends'll do that, but between you and me?" I looked at the girls. "I'm betting Rainbow will crash into a stack of boxes at some point fairly soon."

"Hey!" the cyan mare piped up as the crowd laughed. Celestia smiled, and looked Twilight in the eyes. Then, she turned to a small purple lizard that had appeared. "Spike, take a note please," she ordered. I kind of zoned out on the note's contents, and looked at Schwaiger and Maya.

"This sure is fun," Maya said sarcastically, raising two thumbs with a small grin that basically said 'I'm pissing with you'.

"Mm," I nodded, tipping my hat back slightly and scratching my forehead. "And fairly soon, she'll be talking with us."

"Whatever she says is more than likely going to affect our lives here," Schwaiger noted, nonchalantly pulling out a match and a cigarette, then promptly striking the match against one of the objects on Maya's belt. The Siren was momentarily alarmed, before calming down as she realized that the good doctor was just getting his tobacco fix. More than likely, it would somehow make him calmer than he already was, and I knew that if I introduced this man to any TF Industries Soldier, they'd scream 'HIPPY!' at the top of their lungs and start firing a shotgun in a dangerously careless manner. After a puff of said cigarette, he sighed. "I think it would be best if we listened carefully."

At that moment, Celestia had turned to us, and I straightened up slightly and tipped my hat. "G'day, Shiela." I greeted calmly with a nod added in. She didn't seem to register my greeting outside of a blink of confusion as to what I'd just said, she cleared her throat in a strangely sincere way.

"Maya, Dr. Schwaiger, and Face McShooty II," she began. I heard Maya stifle a chuckle, as though she'd heard my name before somewhere and it had an embarassing owner. "For your services in defeating Nightmare Moon and helping the Elements of Harmony complete their mission, I am more than proud to grant you the title of 'Defenders of Harmony'." This one yielded noticeably less applause than the girls had received, and I gave a smug two-fingered salute to Rainbow. She let out a huff, and it seemed that the gesture was universal in that she rolled her eyes as well.

"I take this title with pride," Maya said softly. "Thank you, Princess."

"More recognition for what I did than the Reich planned for me earlier on when I planned to defect," Schwaiger shrugged, taking another puff. "I appreciate the kind words of encouragement."

"This is better than a hat," I said in a tone that barely gave a hint of sarcasm. "Seriously, that's pretty much what I would have been getting paid. Hats. Glroious hats. But yeah, this is much greater than any title I could have achieved back in TF Industries. Thanks, Shiela." My response seemed to get a small laugh from the Princess, and the applause started up again. It was likely to stay, but just as we three humans planned to wander off, Celestia pulled us back.

"Just so you know," she chuckled, "I should have your accommodation set up by tomorrow. There's an old hotel out of town, I'm going to get that renovated enough for you to use." Maya smiled.

"Thank you, your graciousness," she said politely as Celestia walked away. Once she was out of earshot and the partying began, I looked at the two of them.

"Bar?" I asked.

"Bar," they both replied exasperatedly. The three of us began to make our way through clusters of ponies dancing and enjoying themselves.

The three of us just need a quiet place and a few drinks.

Due to his German heritage and bloodline, it was safe to say that Schwaiger was practically immune to alcohol. Even after shot upon shot of vodka, he still wasn't showing even the faintest signs of being drunk. Since I'd paced myself, my vision was only slightly blurred. Maya, on the other hand, was already sleeping with her face on the table, mouth open and drooling whilst she snored fairly loudly. That was only after a single shot of the 'Tiberian' vodka that Schwaiger had been necking for hours, and to be honest, she was pretty cute when she was asleep.

But pretend I didn't say that, I'm a Mercenary Sniper, not...a lovey-dovey bloke, alright?

Anyway, the conversation between the German and myself had simply boiled down to 'Were there really zombies?'

"I'm not denyin' it, mate," I raised my hands slightly as the barmare brought over another round. "I've seen zombies before. Every Halloween, a couple of blokes on my team and the other team would basically turn into zombies. Not the best sight to see a Skeleton standing behind you poised for a backstab." He winced.

"Ach, don't remind me of the Skeletons," he dismissed. "Goddamned bags of bones. Couldn't shoot them in the head, you had to hit them in the chest, where they had strange glowing organs. Spooky, ja?"

"Heh," I chuckled, necking my next shot. I swallowed, paused, and let the nausea pass, then shook my head and carried on. "Ja."

"And as far as I can gather, your friends were fine afterwards," he replied. The light above the booth shone onto the brow of his fedora, giving him an almost 'faceless contact' kind of appearance. "With the type I was dealing with, it wasn't 'costumes', it seemed more like...ritually resurrected bodies. No advanced thinking, there wasn't any kind of variation with the regular wanderers, and most of the bodies were able to get back up a second time if you missed the head." He paused to light a cigarette. "Truly chilling stuff."

"But you mentioned 'regular' wanderers," I noted, my alcohol-infused mind picking out some useful details. "What's that mean, so there were some that were different?"

"Correct," he replied, giving his cigarette a brief tap on the edge of the table and letting the ashes drop to the floor into the darker area of the bar. "You wouldn't be mistaken in assuming that Satan sent a few more up to stop my companions and I. There were snipers capable of leaping from perch to perch. There were zombies that came with dozens of explosives strapped to themselves and would simply...how you say, 'kamekaze'?" I nodded, my mind briedly flashing back to the time that a Demoman on my team thought it would be of top-notch humour to run at the enemy Medic and blast him to pieces by hitting him with a stick grenade. We called those psychos 'Demokazes'. "Some of them were tougher: There were demons themselves that came up and supercharged zombies, and there were some that carried machine guns and neither simply. Wouldn't. Die." He punctuated by tapping his cigarette lightly with his finger.

"Again." I murmured. He raised a brow.

"Again?"

"Again. They're zombies. They simply wouldn't die again. They've died already." It seemed the joke had passed him. I sighed. "Germans have a bloody awful sense of humour."

"Nein, schießekopf," he replied, sipping some beer. "You just aren't that funny."

The next day, after the bartender had told us that the tab was free for what we did (Milking the fame, lads), we made our way over to the hotel outside of town. It was supposedly closed after income dried up, and gradually fell into disrepair, but you could never have guessed that from how well the Princess had it repaired. Windows were cleaned to an immaculate shine, doors were welcoming, there was no paint chipping off the walls, and it almost seemed as though it had just been built, to be honest. My mind briefly flashed to my home for the past few years before that, my old van, and I wondered for a moment what had happened with that old thing. That, and my backpack: Where the hell did my gear go? I actually liked that Strange Shotgun, contrary to the popular idea that a Sniper should be a good mile away when he shoots somebody. I was brought back by a whistling. "None to shabby," Maya mused. She was squinting, and looked more grey than she had yesterday, so the hangover was definitely hitting hard. Schwaiger didn't seem to show any sign of a hangover. "Here's to hoping the beds are comfy."

"Anything's more comfortable than a table," I said calmly, and her immediate response was to try and shoot me a glare then rub her head through migraines. "Anyway, we've got way more rooms than we expected, so I think we could probably have our own room each."

"Really?" Schwaiger asked sarcastically as we made our way over to the stallion by the door. "What a truly brilliant deduction that will be treasured for decades to come." I ignored his sarcasm, marching up to the white and blue colt standing by the door. I was a fair bit taller than him, so I had to look down.

"G'day," I greeted with my usual mannerism, "I understand that you have the keys to this place and everything else we need to know?" The stallion nodded, turned his head, and reached into his saddlebag with his mouth. Upon leaving the bag, there was a clipboard with a hole in the bottom that held the keys. The clipboard itself had several pieces of paper attached that most likely listed what Celestia wanted us to do. It had also been in the guy's mouth, so, blegh. I gingerly took it, avoiding what looked like wet bits.

"Certainly is, sir," he replied cheerily. "Do's, Don'ts, and everything inbetween. Also, unlisted is that some of the doorways might end up knocking you on the head, now that I find how tall you all are..."

"Don't worry," Maya grinned. "Face is easier to flirt with when he's taken a good knock to the head." Once again, my face heated up and the stallion laughed.

"Alright, if you say so," he replied, before turning away towards Ponyville. "I would give you a tour, but unfortunately I'm required to catch the early train to Canterlot due to line maintenance at 2 o' clock, so that's it from me. If you have any questions, just message the Princess."

"Gottit," I called after him as he left. "Cheers, fella!" Once he was out of earshot, I looked at Maya with a mix between a glare and genuine interest in her offer. I don't know which one. "Really? I'm easier to flirt with when I have a concussion?" I asked flatly.

"Yep," she smirked, "After that fall, you opened your eyes a few times and said I was a 'goddess', so I'd say the feeling goes both ways."

"As much as I'm sure you'd both like to see each other naked," Schwaiger interrupted as he unlocked the door, "I feel as though I want to go inside and get some real rest before tomorrow. The Princess did mention she had jobs for us."

"That she did," I replied, trying to wipe away the mental image of Maya in her underwear. "It's best that we do go inside, and...to seperate rooms. Like, where Maya can't come into mine. Because I'll be asleep. And, y'know, as nice as company would be-"

"Ja, ja, we get it," Schwaiger cut me off again, pushing the doors open. "Now, I think it would be best if we got rooms on the top floor in case any of those Cyborgs come from the forest."

And as if on cue, there was a knock on the doors behind us.