Zane's Zaney Adventures in Ponyville

You know, there are a ton of ways to procrastinate a paper. Sitting at your computer staring at it is one of my favorites. Why, you might ask? Because when a high schooler logs onto facebook when homework is on the line, oh boy do parents freak. At least, mine do.

Hi, my name is Zane. Now you can take whatever snarky comment about not knowing my name, and shove it. I catch enough bs from my parents, without factoring in my twin. I figure you’re here to call me crazy: join the line. It ends somewhere after Oprah Winfrey. They call it some sort of perverted schizophrenia. They say it’s obsession. They don’t know shit. My story won’t change, not even if Aphrodite incarnate came and asked me to. Well, maybe if it were Aphrodite. It’s hard to say no to the goddess of love, even if she doesn't exist. But I know what I saw. And it started much like this.

I was sitting at my desk, procrastinating on my laptop. As a brony, I had decided that the best way to procrastinate would be to watch and rewatch my favorite episodes, things like ‘Read it and Weep,’ or ‘Apples to the Core.’ It was late, and I was spacey. At some point, I passed out. I remember that I was having this amazing dream, but I couldn't tell you now what I saw. What happened after it was just too… startling.

The first thing I noticed was this… sensation. It was like, rubbing your face against your pillow, if your pillow decided it wanted hair, and that hair wanted to plug up your nose. I started, falling back out of the hardwood chair I’d been sitting in. I think it left a few scratches, because my dad was furious the next day. You’ll probs get to hear about that later, if everyone decides to stick around. Right, Miss Plot? (A strange looking woman, who had been typing all this up, nods.) Great. The second thing I noticed was a pressure on my chest. I remember thinking, Oh my god, the roof collapsed and I’m gunna die, until it was lifted off of me and I got my first visual; the color pink invaded the space around my head.

“Silly head! Laying on the floor won’t get your paper done!”

What. The. Fuck, I thought to myself, sitting up. What, how, who?? Is tha- I screamed. Like a little girl. In an octave not appropriate for a male to shriek. Why? Why would I try to break glass with my voice? Well, what would you do if something that didn’t-shouldn’t- exists shoved you on the ground and told you to do your homework. I was beyond terrified, with my fists clenched to the bone and my pupils dilated beyond my irises. It was that bad.

“Wha-wha-AHHHHHHHH!” was all I could do as I scrambled away from her.

“That’s not very nice, Mr. Chaser. You’re nice on the forums!” That was true, I was relatively nice on the forums. I try to teach most people with respect. Or, I did, until humanity turned on me. “Here, let me show you something.” Her hoof took my hand firmly, as I flinched away. As terrified as I was, well… In case you haven’t figured it out, it was Pinkie Pie. And there is something to be said about a pink pony dragging you to a computer screen. If you can get over your fear, it’s actually quite hysterical. It’s when she tries to drag you THROUGH a computer that your fear reemerges like a cigarette starting a wildfire.

Pinkie Pie has a strong grip. Not only that, but she actually does way a little more than me, do to the natural anatomy of a pony. Even a cartoon one. I flailed as she jump at my screen. She hit it, and passed through all the way up to my hand. Then there was something akin to a jerk as the 4th wall stopped me. My speakers sparked to life as her voice came on again, “Oh, this won’t do! I have something I reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaly need to show you. Hmm, maybe if I just pull harder…” I heard a snap, and the world exploded inwards.

Floating. That is what death feels like. It isn’t unpleasent; you can breathe pretty normal, though whatever you’re floating in isn’t really air. At least, that’s what I thought death felt like, until I was rudely awakened by a pink vixen of a mare. “Honestly Pinkie, you killed me. Let me die in peace.”

“Silly filly, you’re not dead.” I had guessed that from the harsh rainbow of colors that blinded me when I opened my eyes. Eyes that I firmly closed again to shut out that light.

“Then let me float. Whatever you did, I feel drained.”

“Oh, that. Yah, see, you’re inside the uhh… umm, whatcha call that thing that separates our worlds?”

“You mean animator vacations, or the fourth wall?” I tried sarcasm to see if she’d go away.

She snorted, “Good one! But be nice to the animators, they have to rest their hooves too! The fourth wall is a very powerful place. And I am, like, the gatekeeper! Trixie sometimes uses portals, but since they don’t come through here, there can be side effects. Hey, wakey wakey! If you sleep, I’ll have to drag you back here.” I tried to go back to sleep. I really did. But even a toothless alligator hurts when applied correctly.

“Agghh! I’m awake, I’m awake,” I told her, her alligator hanging limply from my arm. “Gummy should only be used in emergencies, dang it!”

“Ohh, I see you’re losing your swears! Good, good, ponies in Ponyville won’t much understand them. Now then, some questions!”

“Uhh, Ponyville? Pinkie? Where are you taking me?”

“Just answer me these questions three, and along on your quest thee will be!” She said, laughing. She had seen my DnD youtube video. My cheeks flushed, and I cursed my ability to blush quickly more than ever.

“What- is your name?”

As I began answering, my mind blanked. I felt like a steady video tape of my memories was being fed into some generator, and I swear I heard a ding, “Thunder Chaser. Wait, what?”

“Good, good. What- is your talent?”

-Ding, “I write stories, when I can find the motivation.”

“Awesome, now then; what is your quest?”

I fought. I fought with all my might to say, “To finish my science paper.” I think it would’ve made her giggle, and made my life much easier. But, as I heard that methodical ding, what I actually said was, “To find true happiness.” I felt a hoof on my shoulder, as I looked down at the pink mare. I felt funny, and it wasn’t just the sincere smile she was pulling off. She hoofed me something and I turned it over. On one side, it looked like a United States passport. When I flipped it, it looked like a leather book with my new name on it.

“Welcome to Ponyville, Thunder Chaser!”