Zane's Zaney Adventures in Ponyville

Foreign Traveler

Have you ever been outside of the country? No? Well, there’s an interesting phenomenon known as culture shock. At least, I call it culture shock. It’s where you find yourself in an entirely new place, with little to no idea what’s going on. You want a technical definition? Wiki it. I’m not a dictionary. But, passing through the fourth wall does several things to a person.

For instance, hooves. Four of them. And wings. Hair in your face. Let’s not forget an annoying pink mare in your face, saying, “Hey silly goose, you can’t lay around all day! That’s Rainbow Dash’s stick.”

It as like re-learning my body, starting with my eyes. Bigger, and rounder, they caught more light. Then, my legs. I flexed them for a good solid five minutes trying to figure out what I was doing, much to the amusement of certain bubble-gum-colored party pony. When I did finally stand, I almost fell back down. I have what’s called Portal Sickness, something a human won’t diagnose until we actually have portals. In the process of my atoms being re-arranged, my immune system acts up. Anything out of place gets attacked. It keeps me from contracting some strange disease before my pony immunities kick in, but it also makes me dizzy, tired, and nauseated. Welcome to Ponyville! “Why- did you do- this to me?”

“Because! You looked so sad at your computer! Besides, you don’t smile anymore.” I didn’t have anything to say to that. My dad had divorced a few years ago. Having recently remarried, I’d been trying to be nice to the new family member. But, I couldn’t help but resent her. Since she’d come into my life, nothing could be stable. That, and I could do nothing right, I always felt stupid, and accepting that I was a shitty person seemed the only way to move forward. So, I decided that I was a shitty person. There was, however, a problem:

“You’ve been watching me?”

“Well, duh! You’ve been watching ME for three years! It’s only fair that the screen is two ways! I gotta say though, you’re pretty boring to watch. You’re life is kind of like a sad soap opera. Good news though: Morgan Freeman does the voice overs.” I didn’t know which part hurt more, the bit about my life being a soap, or the fact that it’s only redeeming quality was Morgan Freeman. Then again, it was Morgan Freeman…

“Listen, just… Take me back. I’ve gotta work tomorrow, I can’t be doing… What are we doing? Oh wait a minute,” I laughed pitifully, “I must’ve fallen asleep at my computer. Let’s see… how to wake me u-” Pinkie’s party cannon was both loud and unexpected, “GAH!”

“Oh, I thought for sure that would wake you up. Unless you were already awake, which could mean that this  is all really happening…” I don’t know who was more confused, me or her.

“I suppose it won’t kill me to dream this one out. I mean, I have wings right?” I thought aloud. She gave me this strange look, somewhere between a warning and a cringe. I thought about the newest season, where Twilight was trying to fly, and I cringed to. “We could wait on that, I suppose.” The portal sickness was wearing off, and I was getting bored of standing around.

“So, Miss Pie, shall we see how this quest will play out?” I asked, in my best dungeon crawling voice.

She giggled, “Oh, Mr. Chaser, you’re so strange.” I blinked at a shimmer to my right on instinct, and followed her to Ponyville.