Chapters a day off and strange letters
Sweetie woke up in her bed and looked around like she usually did and spotted something strange, stuck to her window is a note, Sweetie grabs the pully system over her bed which Applebloom set up after she sunk into it That was a fun adventure she thinks afixing the harness to her barrel and pulling herself out of the squishy depths of sleepy cloudyness that is her four poster triple layer giga-down filled matresses and swung onto the bouncy cushion she set up so she wouldn't hurt herself. After making herself look right, she teleports the letter in and opens it:
Dear Sweetie,
I just wanted to make sure we were still on for lessons tomorrow.
By the way, your sister should change the locks on her doors, a foal could pick those. Seriously, I saw the cake filly do it on my way over
We live in a strange town Sweetie, a very strange town. And that is why I live here... and because I am banned from Canterlot because of the... Frankenhoof recreation incident... of course Subtle Stitch or as he likes to be called, "Frank" comes home every so often to deposit the bits he earns from being a bounty hunter
Anypoodle (HEE! I wrote poo!) just thought I'd drop by and now I have to return Meghan (That's what the cake filly calls herself. Fun fact, I speak baby) to, and I quote, "Return her to her brother Sturmheralder to play with the pink bouncy squishy not-mom. Not the skinny not-mom, the other not-mom" babies, they talk funn- Hey! I'm writing here! stop doing... oh, ew... to the pink bouncy squishy not-mom!
Your friend,
Lyra heartstrings
(Dang baby drool...)
Sweetie just blinked and folded the note back up, walking up the stairs to wake her sister
She readied the cat-a-pult, checked her calculations, and placed a sleeping Opalescence in the ammunition bowl and yelled "This is not madness! THIS! IS! PONYTA*!" she pressed the release button and launched the now wide awake Opal onto a still sleeping rarity
"AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!! OPAL! WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME?!" Rarity yells, fighting off the feline
"And now to exit stage left" Sweetie runs away, into the kitchen and places bread into the toaster
A few minutes later Rarity comes down with her usual coiffure and make-up on, not a single hair out of place "Morning sis!" she chirps, washing her dishes
"Good morning Sweetie... why does the kitchen smell like baby?" Rarity asks, sitting down
"Pumpkin Cake got in by picking the locks earlier this morning and Lyra was nearby and took her back after leaving a note on my window" Sweetie replies as Rarity takes a long sip of her black coffee
3... 2... 1... we have spitake
"You made it to the waste bin, your distance is getting better" Sweetie chuckles, grabbing the mop
"(cough cough) The little filly picked the locks?! I find that hard to- what are you doing?" Rarity asks as Sweetie steps onto her step ladder and pokes a corner of the ceiling with the mop handle "Audio/visual recording ward, it records and plays back whatever it saw and heard so long as you know what time to look for. Kind of like a security system; now I guess we check for about after sunrise and before I came in" the corner emenates a pale green-white aura that covers everything in the room
"Sweetie, when did you do this?" Rarity asks as Sweetie's horn glows green "A few months ago, I read it in a book Mr.Midnight brought from canterlot, he said it was ancient magic" Sweetie's horn glows red as the door opens to reveal pumpkin zooming around followed by Lyra who grabbed her in her magic and wrote a note with one of rarity's drawing pencils, seeming to argue with the captured filly then leaving
The light dims as the recording ends, Rarity looking shocked
"Sis? Are you okay?" Sweetie asks, sitting on her sister's lap
"Y- yes but... I need to lay down... and then have a talk with that strange colt... and today is a crusading day right? Stay out with your friends today... I need to see Pinkie about some special deserts " Rarity trots up to her room muttering about knives
Sweetie shrugs and walk out to meet near the everfree forest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sweetie is awoken by somepony poking her side "Mwuh?"
Her eyes adjust to the light and next to her are Applebloom and Scootaloo "Hey, lazy bones, get up" Scootaloo says, scrunching up Sweetie's face with her hooves, much to Applebloom's amusement
"I'm up! Stop that!" Sweetie bats at Scootaloo's hooves, sleep still holding to her
"Hey, Applebloom, do the thing I did to Rainbow yesterday" Scootaloo says, smirking like her idol
"Are ya sure? Rainbow couldn't move fer a while after that" the earth pony asks, looking at her orange friend
"Sure I'm sure! Have I ever steered you wrong?" Scootaloo asks, her smirk turning to smugness
"Well, there was that one time ya thought it was a good idea to try gettin' spelunkin' cutie marks an' led us into that cave with the Ursa Major" Applebloom replies, the pegasus huffing
"Snips and Snails said it was safe!" Scootaloo yells, arms outstretched
"An' they also think that eatin' out of the trash at sugarcube corner is safe too, but ah'm not crawlin' in there for baked bads" Applebloom drones
"But it is!" a nasally voice yells from under the yellow filly "What th-" a dark yellow face with green hair lifts up the whole square foot of earth that she was sitting on "Good morning madams, how are you today?" Snails says, sophistication dripping from his voice as opposed to his usual slow and short speech
"Snails?! Why are you underground?!" Scootaloo yells, when Sweetie raises her head "Why aren't you?" she asks, a thin smirk adorning her lips
"The young Ms. Belle is correct in asking, but to answer your question, Snips and I are creating an underground water resevior. It is to ensure that none of the wells go dry from overuse like last summer. And it also lines our metaphorical pockets with bits from the city for this service that none could do without resorting to dangerous magic. We volunteered because we knew of one already started around the half-way point of lord Discord's reign, so we are just finishing it. Snips, mark this area for reinforcement for when we line this next passing will you?"
"Got it! Should I start the next fork to the resevior to the left?" The nasally voice asks, followed by some scratching
"No, We have yet to mark the opening point for the other crew" Snails replies, lowering back into the ground before raising it again, "And good day m'ladies"
"...Ya'll saw that too right?" Applebloom says, eye twitching and a few hairs spring from her mane
"Yeah... and what was with Snails? He acted like one of those nice old stallions that Twilight invites to the library whenever she discovers something" Scootaloo says, shaking her head
"Maybe he fell in some poison joke?" Sweetie suggests, raising the section of dirt that snails came from and looking around
"Maybe... wanna forget what we saw and just buy some icecream?" Applebloom suggests, the other two nodding as they walked back to ponyville, filing Snail's strange behavior under "Stuff we may never understand"
Author's Note
honestly, I have no idea where most of this came from but it is hilarious
SWEETIE learned LIGHT SCREEN!
It is early morning in the park, Sweetie putting her make up and clothing on, afixing her beret to her head and lays back on the bench. Enjoying the feel of the sun on her, the soft breeze carressing her form. so peace fu-"OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!! "
"...............!" Sweetie screams silently, jumping in fright
Behind the bench is a giant green mask with a long bruise-colored nose and mis-matched eyes "My ears must be going because I didn't hear anything" the mask says, when Lyra walks out from behind it
Sweetie writes on a note pad and hoofs it to Lyra
What the buck was that for?!
"Sorry Sweets, I wanted to try something I saw once. Of course you aren't a little purple dog..." Lyra blushes and chuckles to herself
Sweetie trots over to the mare and motions with her hoof to get to the point
"Well, aren't we eager to learn?" Lyra opens the bag which holds the braces when Sweetie hoofs another note
I don't need them, I can stand on two legs by myself
Lyra smirks "Okay then, prove yourself young ponywan"
Sweetie just shrugs off her mentor's strange comment as one-of those-things-about-her-she-will-never-understand and kicks off the ground, standing a hight of about 6 feet (Being four foot eight on all fours)
"Wow, and I see that your pants are longer. Couldn't bear the draft?" Lyra smiles knowingly as Sweetie blushes
"Now, I brought someone who is a professional mime" Lyra nods to somepony behind the mask
Out trots Ditzy Doo, in similar attire but with lipstick . She stands on two legs and pulls herself over to them by some unseen rope
What is she doing?
"Pantomiming. And now she's-URK!" Ditzy moves as if lassoing Lyra with the rope, the unicorn's arms and chest seeming to actually be pressed by the imaginary rope "Put me down!" Lyra yells as Ditzy takes off, pulling lyra up
Once they reach the clouds, Ditzy starts to spin Lyra over her head "STOP-SPIN-NING-ME! I'M- GET-TING-SICK!" Lyra yells, turning greener
Ditzy throws the spinning mare towards the middle of town, smiling and wiping her hooves clean of dust as she decends
Sweetie holds up her notepad with a giant question mark as Lyra lands, a small cloud of dust kicked up by her impact with the ground
The pegasus mare lands with grace, motioning for Sweetie to come closer
Sweetie nods and trots towards the mare
When her face bumps into an invisible wall
Ditzy puts a hoof up and turns it in the air, the sound of a lock clicking and she trots through the space, kicking an invisible door closed
Sweetie holds up her question mark note
The mare silently chuckles and shrugs, holding up a sign
Simple, I made a door. I thought you wanted to learn caulro-jutsu; the art of the battle clown
Sweetie cocks her head and Ditzy turns her sign around
The ancient art of the battle clown. Famous examples: SHINOBIMON , Crown clown, and Charlie chaplain
Sweetie shrugs and the sign is turned once more*
Basically, I can teach you to be a battle mime with the ability to create invisible objects so long as you don't question my methods
The mail mare seems to look a bit bored and leans against an invisible wall
Sweetie nods slowly, mostly out of curiosity
Ditzy claps her hooves and motions for her to stand
Sweetie throws her head back and stands up, her head only just reaching the older mare's shoulders
Ditzy motions for Sweetie to mimic her every move
She raises one hoof and makes a turning motion, the sound of a knob turning echoing through the empty park
Sweetie does the same but with no sound
You need to visualize the door in front of you
Sweetie focuses and feels a knob appear in her hoof. Opening one eye, she sees a small door like the one that leads to the hot water heater and sweetie's hiding place for food, games, Playcolt magazines (Removed from Rarity's bed), Playmare magazines (Also from said bed), candy, fanfiction drafts, complete Oxenford dictionary set bought from yardsales, electric generator that runs on adorable, AC unit, lava lamp, fuzzy chair, blankets, comic books, camera and film (including black room) radio, mini-fridge, doodles, pet giant moth named Fluffy the bringer of darkness , several jars of bits, and other necessities
She figured out how to make something smaller on the outside
She pushes the door open and the sound of a door opening meets her efforts
The mare next to her taps the stunned filly back to reality
Next, rope gags
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After several hours of pantomiming, the mare motions "End of the day, I need to go check on my muffins and the crazy colt" and flies off
Lyra looks at the filly above (or below) her "Are you going to let me down or am I going to hang upside-down all night?"
The filly motions with invisible scissors and cuts the mare loose "OW! Right on my ho- ERGH! I'm stuck..." she wimpers when sweetie ties another rope around her waist and pulls the mare free
"Thanks... Being a unicorn sucks most of the time" she leads the filly home, wondering how she is supposed to explain all the bumps, bruises, and rope marks she had gained
Author's Note
Like before, I haven't the slightest idea where most of this came from... sleepy now...
bonus hijinks! Explaining away
As the two unicorns face the illuminated doorway of the carousel boutique both wonder as to how they will explain their various abbraisions
"Any idea on how we avoid getting yelled at?" Lyra asks the filly, the filly holding up a note
I am a mime. Mimes don't speak. Ergo, You have to explain it. I, however have a giant moth to feed. And you know the saying, "Mares first"
She opens the door and motions for Lyra to lead
"...Damn you..." Lyra sighs, walking through the threshhold
"Welcome back Swee- OH MY GODDESS!*" Rarity runs over to Sweetie Belle, who is sitting with a pleased look on her face "What happened?!"
"...Uh... Well... It's a funny story... And then you'll laugh about it... Once I think of it... Um... SMOKE BOMB!**( BOOM!)" she throws something at the ground and a huge cloud of smoke appears
"AWK! How does he not run into things?!" Lyra yells, rubbing her forehead "... That worked out so much better in my head"
"...Your antics aside... What happened to your clothes Sweetie?! Grass, sweat... Are those hemp fibers?! And you are positively unkempt! And... Please don't tell me that's mud" Rarity strips the filly of her clothing and mutters about "Stains setting" and "Dry-clean only"
"...Your mom has some seriously messed up priorities" Lyra says, rubbing a growing welt on her head
She is not my mother; She is my sister
"I know, but I have yet to see her act in a sisterly way, more akin acting in a motherly way. I think that in some deep part of her psyche she thinks of you as a daughter. And I have heard herself call herself 'Momma' so I think that you are like a miniature her rather than just a sister. Of course this is just conjecture based upon past observations. That's just my two bits" Lyra says, yawning
Sweetie looks perplexed at the yawning mare before writing a note
Are you really some kind of madmare or a secret genius?
Lyra smirks "Both and neither. Well, I should get home or I sleep on the bench tonight. Good night you princess of mane, you queen of new england"***
Sweetie cocks her head at the mare leaving, when it occurs to her that she knows next to nothing about her
Rarity trots over to sweetie belle "You may want to wash that off. And in the future, try to at least tell me when you're coming home dirty"
Sweetie nods and does as she is told, no longer trying to make sense of the mysterious green unicorn
Author's Note
* I typed this and then noticed what it was... Sometimes I surprise myself
View Online
A crusader trapped inside a box, wrapped in a silk scarf, hanging from an invisible rope, inside a tree house or apple bloom falls into a trap
"How do ah get mahself into these situations?" Applebloom asks as she tries to escape from her impossible predicament
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EARLIER THAT DAY
"So, what do you think Sweetie wanted to show us?" Applebloom asks Scootaloo, who is drinking milk while the earth pony holds a juice box
"I dunno, she just said to meet her here" she replies, tossing the empty milk carton over her shoulder and into the trash can
"You know that you're useless most of the time, right?" Applebloom says
"I am too useful!" she yells, whipping her head around
"Ah never said y'all weren't!" Applebloom yells, looking at her friend as if she said that the moon was purple
"Huh, must be hearing things" Scootaloo sticks a hoof in her ear and pulls a small ball of wax out and looks at it "Nope, still all there" she sticks it back in, much to Applebloom's disgust "What? Ear wax is a natural shock absorber for the ears and brain from foreign objects and damage"
"...That is almost as disgusting as the time we found that slime monster" Applebloom gags, her face turning green
"You know, for a hick, you are easily grossed out" Scootaloo says, which is met by a glare from applebloom
"What did y'all say?" she growls
"Nothing! I swear on my grandmother's grape!" Scootaloo swears, putting a hoof over her heart
"Did you say grave or grape?"
"Yes, goodbye!" she trots away
"... Wat?"
-1 from watlet. 9 wat(s) remaining in watlet
"(Sigh) jus' gon' be one of those days, ain' it?" Applebloom sighs and throws her head back and her eyes meet peridot "Hi Applebloom!" Sweetie belle chirps, smiling at her friend
"Hey there Sweets, Scoots already left. What was it that you wanted to show us?" Applebloom asks, sitting back up
"It would be better to show you at the club house" Sweetie says, walking towards Sweet Apple Acres
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sweetie returns with her mime attire and stands up on two legs
"Y'all look rediculous, why are ya'll standin' like that?" Applebloom laughs
Sweetie smirks and begins to constuct the box around her friend, tieing ropes around it to raise the box when she pushed the invisible lever
She wiggles her butt at Applebloom, the short-tempered filly jumps forward but her muzzle bumps into a wall "Ow! What the- Is this some kind of spell?" she feels around the box, her breath not even fogging the invisable surface
Sweetie silently giggles and pushes the lever, several sets of gears clanking as the filly is raised into the air "What the buck is goin' on?!" she spins around but only sees the ground below her
Sweetie pulls out the sign she made earlier (with Big Mac's help) and holds it up
I am a battle mime! Fear me Applebloom! You cannot escape my invisible box of terror! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
She makes a point of falling into silent giggles, making her look both scary and adorable at the same time
"Get me down from here!" Applebloom commands, looking at the unicorn below her
No
She trots out and right as she is about to exit, she wiggles her butt and disappears
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh right. That's how I get into these situations... hey, what's that?" Applebloom notices a note on the table
How to get out: Wiggle your butt
-Sweetie Belle
"Well, that's convenien-AWK!" she falls onto the floor, a small rock on top of the now-nonexistant box falls on her head and knocks her unconcious
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BACK IN THE PARK
"I must say, you have a real talent for this" Scootaloo remarks, Sweetie building a box around herself
On the park path is Princess Twilight Sparkle, levitating an apple and a peanut butter jar
... Who then walks into the invisible wall, her food and condiment spilling "AWK!"
Sweetie and Scootaloo look at the dazed mare and Sweetie pokes her, her eyes focusing "What did I walk into?"
Sweetie traces a wall in the air which falls on her face, flattening it comically*
Oopsies...
Scootaloo, BREATH!
"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAAAA... HA...ha... heehee... Hahhh... Sorry, You know how much I love slapstick"
Sweetie pushes the wall off Twilight's head and helps her up
"Care to explain how dropping invisible panes of glass on ponies while being dressed like a prench mime will get you a cutie mark?" Twilight asks, popping her neck back in place
Sweetie slaps her forehead
I was having so much fun enjoying myself and entertaining and/or tricking everypony for no good reason and forgot about getting my cutie mark! How could I forget that?!
She rests on an invisable stool and hits her head on an invisible wall
"Wait... you were just doing that for fun and not causing damage to anything or anypony?" Twilight face hoofs "This will not look good at the next town hall meeting..." she mutters
Well, not to anything I wonder if Applebloom escaped yet?
"YAH!" Applebloom yells, jumping from a bush
ART OF THE NINJA-CLOWN! SUBSTITUTION!
Sweetie Belle disapears and in her place is Twilight who takes the full brunt of the yellow filly's pounce
I didn't even know I could do that
"Sweetie, I think we should go through with plan A" Scootaloo says, hitching the wagon to her scooter
Run?
"YES! Quit signing and get on!" Scootaloo starts flapping as Sweetie jumps into the wagon
HI-HO COPPER!!
"Don't make me turn around" Scootaloo says, sensing a bad pun
Author's Note
* Like this
View Online
ponies in invisible glass houses shouldn't throw rocks
Author's Note
I apologize in advance for this chapter, I was on e621 and saw this picture and it came back up during the chapter so... here it is https://e621.net/post/show/380607/-3-animated-blink-blue_eyes-blue_fur-brush-calenda
ponies in invisible glass houses shouldn't throw rocks
Upon reaching Rarity's store, the two fillies dash in, knocking Luna's chair over and startling Rarity
"Sweetie! Scootaloo!" she yells, the fillies stopping in front of Rarity, shyness adorning their faces
"...Sweetie, what are you doing?" Rarity asks as the filly goes through her pockets and pulls out her hoof, smiling triumphantly
She jumps up and throws a ball of air on the ground, the room filling with rainbow-colored fog
Rarity clears it away to see a sleeping Rainbow Dash snoring on a cloud "Mnn... Tha's it... take it all... little prissy like Dash's generosity? Mmmhhhh... yeah..." she mutters, turning over
"... Well, I would never think that a traditional mare like yourself would enjoy the carnal company another mare, especially a pegasus. How nice to know that there is no need for the genome reconstruction plan" Luna says, sipping her coffee
"Wha- Buh- No! Nonononononono! In fact, I do have a bit of a lust for a certain male... though he is a bit younger than me..." she shakes her hooves and looks fondly towards the door
"Hm... Well, I have a fun idea" she trots over to Rainbow Dash and places her horn on her head, a white light enveloping the tip
"Rainbow Dash" she says, soothingly.
"Rainbow Dash, you are in the carousel boutique, and your friend Rarity is seated across the table from you. She looks as fabulous as always, her saphire eyes shining even in the mid-day sun" She motions for Rarity to approach
"Okay, now I will have to borrow your voice for a few moments" her horn lights up white once more, enveloping Rarity's mouth
"Rainbow Dash, I really do wish we had more to talk about than our jobs and you know... our friend Pinkie" Luna says, Rarity's voice coming out of her mouth
"Mmmmhhh... Yeah... She does sum crazy stuff..."
Luna draws closer, her voice coming out this time "She moves her chair a little bit around the table, trying to hide the fact her horn is glowing. Her cheeks look pink against her porceline coat and she stops, only having moved a few inches" then Luna's voice is replaced by Rarity's, who is, at the momment, blushing pink
"Yes, but I also want to say that she is lucky to have a splendid mare such as yourself to keep her company. In fact, I am jealous of her!" Luna says, the sleeping mare's cheeks starting to burn
"Y-eah... But we all keep her company. That's why we're such good friends" she mutters, her right wing twitching
Luna speaks again "She smiles alluring at you, and you have to fight your wings from spreading" Rainbow's left wing starts to twitch, while her right starting to leave her side "The smell of vanilla, lilacs, and jasmine on her coat reach your nostrils. These are her trademark scents from hours of personal care, and her head draws closer, the chair moving to a right angle from yours"
Rarity's voice starts to coo "I wasn't talking about that kind of company darling"
She switches again "The way she calls you 'Darling' always lit a fire in your core, it moves slowly... slowly......s-l-o-w-l-y... so agonizing slow towards your loins that it causes you to have to cover yourself.
"And even then it takes all your will to not start pleasing yourself at the thought of the way her mouth opens with the 'Dar'; the way her soft, refined tongue licks the top of her lip as she 'Li'; and how the two previous syllables give you a split second look at her strong, pearly whites as she finishes the 'Ing'" she pauses as Rainbow starts to grunt and moan under her breath, Luna's magic holding her hooves in place, so agonizingly near her fire, but so far away
"How many hot, lonely nights have you spent in your cloudhome, pleasuring yourself to fantasies of her mouth enveloping your flower, her refined tongue tasting your crude esscence and sipping it from you, the way her perfect teeth would nip, grind, and scrape your sensitivity. But you can't even move as she stares at you"
She smiles at Rarity, her eyes widening as Luna switches voices "Darling? Is something the matter, you seem quite flush"
Switch "She places a hoof on her own forehead and yours, this simple, friendly touch makes it harder to ignore her allure; the way her forehead knots slightly when she thinks, how her bottom lip sticks out, just begging to be devoured"
Switch "Your positively on fire!"
Switch "She turns and heads to the kitchen for a washcloth, but doesn't notice how her descent from the chair shows her own flower for the briefest instant
She looks at Rarity who is aghast with mortification but paralyzed by her own embarassment and continues "She trots quickly to the kitchen, her toned flanks moving up and down with her subtle muscles flexing under her porceline coat. Her diamond cutie marks on each side glow with the hint of your treasure"
Rainbow starts to whimper, her body jerking in every direction, her wings half opened and vibrating with her waning restaint
"She returns and motions for you to lay on her couch. The couch that you sniff when she isn't looking, hoping to catch her natural musk and the alluring oils she wears. You slowly trot to the couch, not risking flight because it would expose you to her"
Rainbow shifts forward and settles back into her cloud slowly, taking a quick sniff
"She draws closer, her eyes staring into yours, her lips so perfectly aligned with yours that you muster all your courage to move closer... closer... c-l-o-s-e-r... when..." Luna raises her forelegs and then her plan becomes evident to Rarity
"After so very long, after so many lonely nights... you finally can express your feelings. She opens her mouth to say something, when you silence her with...
"A..."
She slams her hooves on Rainbow Dash's cloud, banishing it into water vapor and dust
"AWK!" she grunts, landing on her nose "What the..." she looks at her wet coat, how her body is near release, and Rarity standing right in front of her, Luna having teleported away when her hooves touched the cloud
Her face goes as magenta as her eyes as the dream returns "Ah... Uh... I... I can explain!" she looks for a way out and sees nothing to explain how she got there
"Uhhhh... LOOK OVER THERE!" she tries to take off but rarity doesn't fall for it, her eyes still locked on the pegasus
"RAINBOW. DANGER. DASH." rarity growls, all the color draining from rainbow's spectrum colored mane and tail at the hidden messages behind the unicorn's words
"...Mother" she squeaks
Then she woke up in her cloud bed, covered in sweat, piss and shame
"... Sixth time this week... and it's only tuesday..." she lays back but one thing still needs attention
"Unnghhh... darn wings..."
View Online
Real mimes ride chickens, prank pinkies, and travel through time
Running out the door, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle head towards town, and turn to the one place where they would be safe;
Sugarcube corner
going around the back, Scootalloo stops and folds up her scooter, and hides it with the wagon in a bush while Sweetie opens the door
"Lalalalalalalaaaaa~ Sing a happy song" a cheerful voice sings, followed by a bouncing mare "Sniff-Sniff! I smell grease paint..." she turns and sees Sweetie Belle, standing next to Scootaloo "Oh dear... a mime..." her mane goes flat, seeming to drag her hooves "Wonderful..."
What is her problem?
Pinkie turns towards them and sighs "By Celestia's mane I hate mimes... pointless really, mute clowns... no slapstick or anything... what a waste of talent..." she mutters, pressing a button on her oven
"Pinkie Pie? Is something wrong?" Scootaloo asks, slowly approaching the frowning pony
"Yes, your...'Friend'... Ugh... is causing me undue stress and distaction by silently insulting my life-long suffering art... Therefore, I shall rectify it" With a loud "bang" a giant cannon appears from underneath sweetie
"TOOOOOO THE MOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!!!" Pinkie yells, smiling evilly
(BAM!)
As the speck of filly disappears, Pinkie returns to bouncing and singing "Lalalalalala~ Sing a happy song!"
Scootaloo's right eye starts to twitch, watching the cannon recede back into the floor boards, only one phrase encompasses her confusion
"WHAT THE FLANK?!"
"Don't worry Scootaloo, She'll be back in... oh I don't know... A hundred years?" Pinkie says, lifting the filly off the floor and onto the counter
"But I'll be dead by then!" Scootaloo yells "Why would you-GRF!" pinkie shoves a spoon into Scootaloo's mouth
"If your going to yell about silly stuff, do it right: Ahem, FLYING MONKEYS!!!! AREEE FUUUUUUNNNN!!!!! TOOOOO!!!! BANANANANANANANANANANANAAAAA.... SPLIT! See? That is how you yell about silly stuff" Pinkie hops over to scootaloo and removes the spoon
"What was that for?" Scootaloo asks, when Applebloom trots into the kitchen "Sorry ahm late, ah got held up by Sweetie an' Twilight... So what is it you wanted to... Hi scoots" Applebloom greets her shocked friend
"Well, I wanted to show you how to make a time sorbet!" (Kudos to anyone who got the joke)
Scootaloo decides to leave the crazy pink mare to her own devices, and heads to the one pony who would know how to get Sweetie back
Twilight Sparkle
Or the next best thing: the library
"Hey Spike? Do you have any books on time travel?" Scootaloo asks the half-awake dragon
"Time travel is is the theoretical magic and parascience section, next to the cook books" he half-mutters, pointing
Feeling like haveing a little fun at the drake's expense, she silently trots over to him and kisses his nose, doing her best Rarity impression "Why thank you daaaarrrling... I'll just walk my flankylicious self over there" she says, laying it on thick
"RARITY?!" he gasps, sitting up "Huh? Where's Rarity?" he looks around and sighs "Why fate? Why?"
Covering her laughter, Scootaloo returns her focus to the shelf of books*
"Let's see... Time travel 101, How to deal with timetraveling party crashers, the best way to convince a past version of yourself to avoid disasters, So you created a wormhole ... AHA! How to travel through time by Time Turner " She grabs the book and opens it
(2 minutes later)
"Snrrkk... mmhhmm... take that diamon... take it all... thas' right... who's a chicken now?... snnrrkkk! Mwuh? Huh? Darn it!" She slaps herself and begins reading again
(A month later)
"... Seems simple enough... Twilight was right, studying is fun... so all I need is a clock... and a box... and- OW! BRAIN CONTUSION! NEED HEADON! **" after levitating a well used bottle with her newly honed telekineses (Thanks to a small psychic tumor on her forhead from studying time travel with the attention of a goldfish***) "Stupid tumor... I should get it removed so I don't get cancer... of course my new powers would stay... hmm..." She levitates a metal book end, and twists it into a crude blade "Good bye skull-horn-tumor"
(SHINK!)
Scootaloo blinks "I was anticipating pain but nothing..." she feels her forehead "Not even a stump... well, off to rescue Sweetie from space"
(Space)
"Sweetie's log: I have spun in orbit for who-knows-how-long and honestly, I understand why Princess luna loves this veiw... But one thing still perplexes me. How am I breathing? I have tried roping myself back to land or the moon and call for help but apparently because I don't know how far away they are, I can't... what the-"
(Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! Vwim-vwim-vwim-vwim-vwim-vwim... Vwim-vwim-vwim-vwim-vwim-vwim... click!)
"Hello Sweetie Belle! Sorry it took me so long to figure out how to build a time machine. As it turns out, they're easy to make and I even figured out how to make it like the doctor's type 40 time and reletive dimensions in space! How cool am I?!" Scootaloo yells, looking out from the light blue box with a rainbow light flashing
Sweetie rubs her eyes "What?! How are- What is- HUH?!"
Scootaloo nods "Yes, I know it's a bit to take in, a chicken building and piloting a space and time machine with the color scheme of the fastest and coolest mare alive. But Rarity is starting to go supernova like a class 8 binary solar system and I need to get you back to her. Also, I built a sonic baster! Well, sonic probe or screwdriver, depends on who you ask but... come on, I have food and you haven't eaten in a month" Scootaloo throws a rope around Sweetie and pulls her in
Sweetie gapes at the size of the place and looks out side, then back in "Go on, the doctor says it feels wonderful to hear sompony say it" Scootaloo grins
"It's bigger on the inside!"
"Well, I was expecting 'smaller on the outside' but... hey, it does feel good. Anyways, I have your favorite foods here and I will answer your questions once I put the girl on 'auto-flight'" Scootaloo presses several buttons and returns to Sweetie, who is stuffing her face with food
"I am here because of my time and space machine that I built after reading several books on timetravel for a month, removing several bone growths, not tumors as I first thought, and with the help of the doctor, finished it in order to save you. As to what this is, I already told you, but she doesn't have a name yet" Scootaloo levitates a cup of tea from another room "Oh, and I also learned telekineses and other magics as I went along"
Sweetie listens then drops her food "S-scoots... Y-you went through all of that to save me?"
"Of course, you're my friend. And I wouldn't be able to call myself that unless I did something" she shrugs and sips her tea "No cutie mark yet, seems kinda like a waste. I mean, I built a time and space machine and my posterior is still as baren as the surface of mercury****"
Sweetie just faints
Author's Note
*yes, pulling pranks on spike is a favorite past time of the CMC's, one I always enjoy
"Well, here we are, back at home!" Scootaloo announces, opening the door
"You can build a time-" "And space" "Machine, but you can't figure out how to fly... why does this seem like a bad joke?"
"Possibly because life is like that" Scootaloo suggests "Anyhow, I beleive we are about 20 minutes after Pinkie's cannon fir-(BOOM!) ... Or 20 seconds before Pinkie's cannon fired... my bad. But as far as my past self is concerned, you are in space and will still build the time machine and you know the rest"
Sweetie looks at her friend "You sound smarter than-" "Ooo! shiny!" her head whips towards something a few feet away "Or maybe not..."
"Cool! A bit! Score!" she picks up the bit and puts it in a bag around her neck
"So... wanna go give Pinkie a scare?" Sweetie asks, making her approxamation of a dasterdly smirk
"Sweetie, stop trying to be evil, you're too adorable"
Sweetie looks at her friend "Fine... you can look evil"
"I don't want to! I wanna go show Rainbow my time and space machine!" She whines, flailing her hooves
"Okay... but then we scare Pinkie"
Scootaloo nods, entering the machine, taking off "NOT WITHOUT ME FEATHERHEAD!"
The box lands and Scootlaoo peeks out, squeaking "Riiiiight... forgot about you..."
Sweetie sighs, "Just... nevermind"
_____________________________________
On the monitor is Rainbow Dash, asleep in one of Applejack's trees. Scootaloo opens the door and takes a deep breath "RAINBOW DASH! LOOK AT WHAT I MADE!"
Rainbow jumps up and salutes "WHAZZA?! I wasn't asleep sir! I was- what the..." she looks at Scootaloo and the interior of the time machine "... Okay, still sleeping... obviously Princess Luna is trying to prank me... Again..."
"No, this is not a trick and what do you mean by 'Again'?" Sweetie asks
"W-Well... It involves me dreaming about dreaming about Rarity and Luna being miz... misschhee..." "Mischeivous?" "Yeah, her; anyways, if this isn't a dream" she flaps her wings "What is this thing?"
"A time and space machine! I built it with the help of the doctor! And I made it in your colors and I thought you should name it!" scootaloo says, buzzing up a few feet
"Uh... Twilight told me about time travel and it's not safe... so I'm coming along!" she jumps in and looks around before flying out and around it "It's smaller on the inside! that is so cool!
Scootaloo smiles and points to a rectangular machine against a wall "There is a cider machine over there... fresh cider..." she wiggles her eyebrows
"...
Sweetie just sighs "Can I go home now? As cool as this all is, I need to check in with my sister"
Scooaloo nods "Yeah, just give me a second...' pressing a few buttons and flipping a switch, the door closing by itself and a "Whoosh"ing fills the air and Scootaloo approaches the door, opening to the inside of Carousel Boutique "Home sweet home!"
"Sweetie? Is that you?" Rarity calls, getting closer
"Yeah! I'm back!' she shooes Scootaloo away
"What happened? I heard a... loud... noise... hello Rainbow"
"'Sup? Okay... It can teleport. But I am not seeing space or time yet squirt"
Rarity looks at Sweetie for an explaination "It will take a while. I'll go make tea"
Scootaloo shrugs and closes the door, the "Woosh"ing blows stray pieces of fabic against the walls until the box fades from view
Rarity's eye twitches and she levitates open a hidden compartment in the stage "I am going to need a bit of wine for this... and some tequila too..." she mutters, levitating another bottle behind her
Author's Note
* I will say this now, FIRST!!! I AM FIRST TO USE MEMES IN A STORY (As far as I know)!!!
Frozen in her moose tracks
Sweetie Belle sighs and looks at the floor, debris still caking the entire room from Scootaloo's machine. She raises her broom and dust pan, scrubbing like she was told
She looks up and fluttering around picking up dust is Fluffy, who lands next to the filly to brush off "Thanks Fluffy" she says, the moth flittering due to the praise
Hoofsteps approach the door, followed by a bell chiming "Whoa... what happened?" Sweetie looks up and standing in the doorway is Lyra Heartstrings, her mentor
"My friend thought that landing a space and time machine in the middle of the shop was a good idea" She replies, brushing her pet
"... I understand perfectly, happens all the time to me" she replies, her horn lighting up
"What are you-" Sweetie asks, the whole store glowing gold
"Collecting the dust and putting it outside to burn" the unicorn says, the dust flowing out the door like a river
"Burn?"
Lyra smiles "Yup, watch this" she fires a bolt of magic at the last of the dust, the entire cloud bursting into flames with a golden brilliance "I just hope your sister doesn't noti-" A shrill scream cuts through the air
The green unicorn looks up at the window and ruffles Sweetie's mane "... Run!"
Hiding in a hollowed out tree full of maple syrup bottles*, Sweetie sticks her head out and looks around "We are all clear green leader; I repeat, we are clear"
A mass of grass lifts itself from the ground, pulling down a zipper "Understood white leader, over and out"
Sweetie places her hooves on the outside of the trunk and grunts "I... I think I'm stuck"
Lyra hooks her hooves around Sweetie's shoulders and pulls, the filly dislodging with a pop, causing Lyra to fall on her back, filly on her chest
"You need to lay off the sweets Sweetie" the mare chuckles
Sh-She's so close... Sweetie thinks to herself, a massive blush spreading across her face "Uh thanks... I'll try..."
Lyra cocks her head "Why is your face turning red?" Sweetie coughs, rubbing her face "N-no reason... my blood is rushing to my head"
The mare presses her forehead to Sweetie's, crossing their horns Oh Celestia, our horns are touching! she inhales deeply, mint and cream flooding her nostrils "Mint ice cream..."
"What?" Lyra asks, raising an eyebrow
Sweetie coughs again "I said 'I want ice cream' we should get some"
Lyra nods "But first... would you mind getting off me? People might get the wrong idea"
"Oh! Right!" Sweetie scrambles off of Lyra, who laughs "We finished running from your sister and you want ice cream. You are a piece of work kid"
"What do you mean you're out of ice cream?!" Lyra yells, sticking her head into the freezer
"Miss Pie bought it all a few minutes ago. She may be a complete bowl of nuts but she's good for business" the stallion says, pushing his cart forward, Lyra's head jerking out of it "I guess we could go ask Pinkie if she would spare some" Sweetie nods, not listening to the wise mare's words
"To the segways !" she pauses "Right, haven't built one of those yet..." she ponders, the snow white filly looking around for an idea when Scootaloo jumps on her "RANDOM ATTACK!"
Lyra blasts the orange filly out of the air without thinking "Chickens scare the heck out of me... way too much time playing legend of Marelda I guess..." Scootaloo dusts herself off and grins "I will go back in time and do this again to get it right!" she runs off and Lyra shrugs "Weird kid, Ice cream?"
Sweetie nods and they set out for Sugarcube corner
Lyra turns the key to the refrigeration locker of Sugarcube corner "How do you have keys to Sugarcube corner Ms. Heartstrings?"
"Five finger discount"
"But you don't have fingers" Sweetie says, to which the mare smiles "Pneumatic extendo-hands"
Sweetie nods and Looks around the sloped basement, shivering "I'm cold... eep!" Lyra brushes closer to the shivering filly, placing a hoof around her barrel "Better?"
Sweetie blushes and nods "M-Much..." lighting her horn, the large crystals of ice and frozen ingredients sparkle like a mineral-rich cave "It's pretty in here..."
Lyra smirks "If you like frozen- NEIGHTON'S TOES! ICE CREAM CASTLE!" standing in the center of the large basement is a castle made of ice cream and candies, pinkie pie sculpting a ball of butter-brickle into a brick "Now with this the south wall should stand up without the wooden popsicle support posts... which I can use for the drawbridge over my hot-fudge moat... I sense ponies in mine realm" She looks up and smiles "Hi guys! What can I help you with?"
"FEED ME!" Lyra yells , biting Pinkie's brick before jerking away "OW! My teeth!" she covers her mouth, tears forming "That was cruel..."
Pinkie shrugs "You bit into my brick and that would hurt quite a bit, dig?" she presses the brick into place and plucks out a soft serve cone "Have this, I can make more" her attention shifts from the mare and to Sweetie Belle "You're back early"
Sweetie grimaces "That I am, so, why did you launch me into space?"
Pinkie rolls her eyes "Mimes are not funny, they are nothing more than fake clowns and I like the art of the clown. I make ponies happy, Mimes creep them out, ergo, I remove the pantomiming menace by launching them into space where they can do no harm. QED"
Lyra shivers "You broke humor law number 35 Pinkie, 'Do no harm to other comedians unless funny or in good humor' I am afraid I have to report you to the grand poobah of the comedy club lodge" she shakes her head "You'll be lucky to have a membership let alone be pardoned, even if you are leader of the Ponyville chapter"
Pinkie smiles "Of course... would you like to see the inside of the castle since you're already here?" Lyra nods and Sweetie shivers
The cell door closes with a loud rattle as the spoon deadbolts slam home "In hindsight, I should have seen this coming" Lyra muses, and Sweetie groans "Are you really this stupid, or are you just clueless?"
"Yes"
"I- What?" Sweetie scratches her head "What was I saying?"
"That you were going to become a filly-sicle that I will use to decorate the inside of my castle with... an eternal subject frozen in time... Strike a pose" Pinkie raises a bucket of water and Lyra takes the opportunity to strike "The thinker" pose "Ready"
Sweetie gapes "You're a unicorn! Blast her!'
"So are you"
"Oh" Sweetie turns "I forgo-AH!" Pinkie slips a ring over the filly's horn "M-My magic!"
Pinkie smiles before dousing the filly and mare with water "The bars are made of a lead-silver alloy that prevents magic, the popsicle interior wall supports are blessed, enchanted anti-magic and anti-melt, along with being harder than concrete... the water that's sapping your body heat is a special sugar and salt water solution that will freeze harder and quicker than normal water... and the floor is actual steel and concrete under the frost and tiles, recycled from old ships and welded by me"
"W-w-w-w-w-w...w..." Sweetie stutters, crystals forming on her lashes and sensation fading in her hooves
"'Why?' I think that I like you too much to let this world have you when I can have you for all eternity, pristine, perfect, and preserved" she licks the filly's now-dripping nose "Don't worry, freezing to death is a nice way to die. You get really warm after a while" Pinkie giggles "I know from personal experience"
Sweetie shivers as her hooves stick to the floor and she turns to Lyra "I c-c-c-can't m-move..."
Lyra shrugs stiffly "Should have struck a pose"
Sweetie looks at her "A-a-and to th-th-think... I nev-nev-nev-never got my first k-k-k-kiss..." she whimpers and Lyra wipes away her tear "It's okay, at least I can visit"
Sweetie smiles "Y-yeah... wait 'v-v-visit'?"
Lyra wipes ice crystals off her neck "Yup, one thing I've learned about Pinkie is that she leaves obvious ways out of her traps" Lyra lights her horn and the sound of jingling keys emanate from the lock followed by the sound of the deadbolts retracting "Bye-bye" Lyra waves, walking away before slapping her forehead "Almost forgot something"
She grabs the uneaten soft serve from where she set it down "Not cookie dough but it'll do" she muses, closing the door and locking it "Don't wanna be rude and leave it unlocked"
Sweetie gapes
And gapes
...
Because she is frozen
Lyra slaps her forehead and sticks the cone onto her horn "Forgot Sweetie"
Turning the key, she presses a hoof to the filly's neck "Hhhhmmm... she not dead yet Jim"
Lyra drops the melting filly into a warm tub, the snowy coated child rising with a gasp
Lyra laughs evilly "IT LIVES! IT LIVES!!"
Sweetie glares at her mentor "You would've left me to freeze?!"
"I remembered to get you!"
"Not before getting your ice cream cone!" Sweetie yells, splashing
"So I have slightly skewed priorities sometimes! I was hungry!" Lyra replies, splashing back
"Uhm... as interesting as this conversation is to watch, would you mind leaving my bath so that I may finish?"
Sweetie turns to regard the third voice, a cream-colored mare with a navy-blue and taffy-pink mane covered with soap
"Oh, right, I forgot this is 'Bonbon without Lyra' time... sorry" Lyra grins sheepishly, to which the mare gives a flat look "I wonder how you could forget when I made this whole day me time"
"Uh... I was almost frozen to death and made a permanent statue in Pinkie's frozen desert castle?"
"I know about the castle, she may be the competition but I am helping with decorating the interior and exterior... now get out Lyra before I sick my red-hot seekers on your behind" Bonbon pulls from a nearby box a remote control with a button on it reading "Insta-bonnacon**ification"
Lyra squawks and retreats through the door "I'll see you tomorrow? Please not in the butt!!!" she screams, as Bonbon moves her hoof closer to the button
Bonbon sighs and looks at the soaking filly, holding her tail tightly over her own rear and chewing on the end nervously "I'm sorry... Please don't burn my butt"
Bonbon pulls the filly into a hug "Don't worry, only Lyra gets that punishment... so, You're Sweetie? I have heard quite a bit about you though you don't look like most of Lyra's friends"
Sweetie looks into the blue eyes of the hugging mare "What are they like?"
"Well... there's Time Turner, though he is an oddity in and of himself for many reasons, Derpy Hooves, Vinyl and by extension, Octavia... though she isn't 'strange' just a bit less tolerant than I am" she laughs "So... as always, I must ask, do you believe in humans?"
"What are those?"
Bonbon sighs "A mythical creature Lyra is convinced exists. which is why she walks, talks, and sits the way she does... but also because she says I'm longer than the average pony and claims she knows I sit the way I do to force her to do the things she does because 'I know that she's right but I want to support her by being a diamond-butt about it'" she says in a perfect impression of Lyra's voice
"How did you do that?" Sweetie asks
"Hm? Oh I do voice acting and a little singing on the side" Bonbon replies, before dunking her head underwater and rising with a gasp "So... tell me about the time you've spent with Lyra"
Author's Note
* In case of Caneighdian emergencies
"...And then she dropped me in your tub" Sweetie finishes, brushing her mane
"Oh really? Well good to know that Lyra hasn't poisoned your mind too much" Bonbon smiles, Lyra grimacing "I am not poisoning her mind! I am expanding it!"
Bonbon rolls her eyes "Be quiet Lyra"
Lyra sighs "Fine..."
"Okay then, you must be quite resilient to deal with Lyra's antics Sweetie"
Sweetie shakes her head "I am many things, resilient is one of them"
Bonbon nods "To deal with Ponyville, you have to be"
Lyra fidgets "Can we go now? We have to get revenge on Pinkie Pie"
Bonbon shakes her head "No, I want you to go and make our guest lunch and make me lunch too while you're at it"
Lyra sighs "Yes Mistress..."
"And don't you forget it. Now... how are you feeling?"
Sweetie shivers a little "Cold mostly. I'll be okay though"
"Lyra-" "'Get her a blanket' I know" Lyra answers from the kitchen, spoon held in her magic "Bonbon... The toaster is growling at me again and I think the oven is trying to set my butt on fire"
Bonbon sighs "I swear... Lyra, I left the oven and toaster on because the kitchen was cold when I came down and thought that they should be preheated for the lunch that I was going to have ALONE"
"All right! All right! I screwed up! Next time a filly is frozen solid, I won't run home but to the hospital which is two miles away!"
Bonbon rolls her eyes "Tell me... is she like this around you too?"
Sweetie nods "Yes, and often yelling at passing ponies who linger too long and don't pay" Bonbon smiles "I figured as much... but she is funny in an 'I am too clueless for my own good' kind of way... and she pays rent so that helps too"
"I heard that candy-booty" Lyra says, levitating several plates in her magic
"Uhhhh... Ms. Lyra... your tail is missing" Sweetie says, blushing
"I am well aware. I said that the oven was trying to set my butt on fire. It succeeded" she monotones, setting the plates down "You owe me some tail" Bonbon blushes "-restorer"
"You look silly" Sweetie remarks, still blushing "I know... and now my butt is chilly"
Bonbon glares at her friend "Stop talking about your butt! And go get a blanket if you're cold!"
Lyra pouts "I don' wanna... you go get it..."
Bonbon sighs "Fine... Stop wagging your stub! It's weird!"
Lyra grins "Your fault for not believing me whenever I tell you our kitchen is haunted by someone who hates me" Bonbon throws her hooves up "There are no such things as ghosts!'
"Who is the scientist here?"
"I am! I am the chemist! You made up your degree!'
"And I got away with it! So I am the cool one whom the kitchen hates and you are the pony with taffy flanks. So there" Bonbon sighs and clocks Lyra
Sweetie jumps "Miss Heatstrings!"
"I'm okay!" She smiles, blood trickling down her nose
"Lyra. You're bleeding" Bonbon says and Lyra licks her lips "Oh yeah... I'm gonna go wash up"
Bonbon sighs "Why, oh why do I put up with her?"
"Because you need her to liven up your life, to make it adventurous, to make it worth living, stress and strife and all. And even when you want to smother her in her loud sleep, you still love her more than you hate her" Sweetie says and Bonbon gasps "How did you-"
"I've read a large number of books on psychology as well as several lengthy, and... 'intimate' volumes of my sister's books"
Bonbon blinks" ... Okay, you are smarter than I gave you credit for... but you seem unfazed by me punching her"
"Truthfully, Lyra told me you punch her a lot. And I want to punch my friends sometimes too"
"I guess we aren't all that different, you and I*" Bonbon muses and Lyra returns, scratching her butt "I think my butt is starting to scab... like, a lot"
Bonbon sighs "Come with me... I'll get the medicine"
"Why can't she?" Sweetie asks
"Last time I let her try and patch herself up, she looked like a mummy, luckily it was Nightmare Night so nopony noticed"
"What? I'm not all that good with my hooves! I can't manipulate things without my pneumatic hands"
"You mean those odd machines you and Time Turner built?"
"Yes, among the other useful and inventive machines we've made, those I use the most" Lyra puffs out her chest with pride
Bonbon sighs "Follow me, Sweetie, help yourself to anything in the kitchen"
Lyra salutes "Aye aye mon seignior!"
Sweetie hops off the couch and enters the kitchen, marveling at it's cleanliness
"This makes my sister's cleaning look amateurish" she muses
Opening the refrigerator, there are several jars full of yellowish liquids and labeled with numbers "What the-"
Bonbon sighs, startling Sweetie "Sorry. Those are Lyra's experiments. Apparently she used some of the tissue she found with Time Turner and believes it was human tissue. I think that Time Turner is playing a trick on her but..." She grabs one of the jars and turns it on its side, a dark blob in the shape of a dragon claw but without the claws "... Yeah, I am actually starting to think that she's right. Unless she is making these in her sleep or something, this is genuine"
Sweetie shivers "I... that's not possible! You can't culture multi-cellular organisms! Only bacteria and slimes! This doesn't make any sense!"
Bonbon grimaces due to Sweetie's outburst "I know, that's why I struggle to understand her sometimes, somehow she might have broken the established laws of biology... I also think the tissue is diamond dog or minotaur"
Sweetie blinks "Could you do me a favor and hit me so that I don't remember this?"
Bonbon sighs "Yes, Living with Lyra has made me have to learn how to" with a single swift hit, Sweetie falls face down
Sweetie slowly awakens, a dull pain in her neck "Wh- Why does my neck hurt?"
"You slipped in the kitchen" Bonbon says, a few feet away
Opening her eyes, Sweetie's vision is filled with amber "What the-" pushing the deep gold pools away, Lyra blinks "I watch you sleep- OW!" Lyra backs up and glares at Bonbon "I was joking! Sheesh, develop a sense of humor"
Bonbon snorts "Are you okay Sweetie?"
Sweetie nods "I'm good... how long have I been out?"
"A few minutes. Here, try this" Bonbon hoofs her a purple candy
"What is it? Gum?"
"Nope! It's one of Bonnie's weird medicine-candy-thingies. I think it's for pain... or was it constipation? I get them confused sometimes"
Bonbon rolls her eyes "Lyra, go get our guest some water. Now"
Lyra salutes "Aye Sahib!"
Sweetie blinks "I feel like I forgot something... probably wasn't important"
Bonbon smiles and rubs the filly's back, Sweetie's body suddenly feeling warm "I... feel warm all of the sudden"
She nods "That's the candy, it heats your body to promote relaxation and that should make you not hurt as much"
Lyra walks back into the room, a mug in her hooves "What?"
"Cold water, Hun, cold water"
Lyra blinks "Why would I drink cold coffee? Are those chemicals playing tricks on your mind again?"
Bonbon taps Lyra's face softly, moving the captured unicorn's lips and speaking in her voice "'I'm sorry Bonbon, I forgot to get Sweetie her glass of water. I'll go get it now and give my beautiful housemate my coffee lest she slap me sillier' That's so responsible of you Lyra!"
Lyra nodded dumbly, setting the cup on the table "Coaster" she squeaks and places the cup on the aforementioned coaster
Sweetie looks up "How did you get her to do that? I can't even get my friends to listen to me"
Bonbon smirks "You just have to show them that your opinions matter"
Sweetie nods, a glass of water levitating before her "Thanks"
Lyra nods, another cup of coffee in her hoof "So, What do you think of my protégé?"
Bonbon sighs "She's obviously smarter than you which isn't saying much"
"I know- HEY!"
"She hasn't set something on fire yet" Bonbon says
"I don't- OH BOLLOCKS!" Lyra runs into the kitchen, smoke flowing out of it "Why do you spite me so?! What have I done to thee Oven?! Do my offerings of bread dough insult you?! Are they not enough?! DO YOU WANT MY FIRST BORN SON?!"
Sweetie stares at the doorway "Is she-"
"Sane? Unlikely. Okay? Probably"
"Oh god! It's launching fireballs at me! This oven is possessed!" several scorched circles appear on the wall "Okay, all right... all I asked for was a fricken' oven, okay? Whoa! Okay... okay, okay! Okay... getting a little afraid here... Get me an old priest and a young priest! The power of Fixer Christ compels you! The power of Fixer Christ compels you! WHOA! Okay... Burnt like a hot dog now... gonna faint"
Sweetie enters the kitchen and face-down, smoldering is Lyra, most of her fur missing "I don't think she's okay..."
Author's Note
*obvious reference is obvious
Took forever to find my muse again
View Online
The evil mailbox of Sugarcube corner 2: Mattie's revenge
After an adventure where no one learned anything, Lyra, Bonbon and Sweetie Belle exit the kitchen, looking singed
Or in Lyra's case, tan "I like my new helmet"
"Lyra, that's that mangled door to the oven" Bonbon says, setting a club made of the heating coils on the floor
"I know that! I meant that I have proven to you that the oven was evil! You said I was making stuff up! Well, I was right!"
"I just want to know where you got that comically oversized grenade" Sweetie says, lowering her pots-and-pans war hammer on the floor, right next to the purified carbon sabre of scouring and disembowelment
"I grabbed it before we left, I usually use them to deter telemarketers" Lyra replies, balancing her wooden spoon of scooping on her nose
Sweetie looks at Bonbon "Should I-"
"No, Sweetie, she's just that way. I for one think we should go to the hospital"
Lyra snorts "Why? I feel awesome"
"But Miss Heartstrings! You're brown!"
She stares at Sweetie "It's called a tan. They're all the rage in California and New Jockey"
"Both of those places are full of minotaurs, hun"
Lyra shrugs "So? I'm a trend setter. Like my Mani-Pedi's, robotic fingers, using humanisms, and bipedal walking"
Sweetie shakes her head, picking up her weapons "I'm going home... I need to think about what happened"
Lyra waves "Okay, Just watch out for the Mailbox in front of Sugarcube corner! It's possessed!"
Sweetie nods, walking out the door
She stares at the mailbox, the pink mailbox on a pink post, a little flag on the side
"This doesn't look haunted..."
"But I am little filly, I am Mattricullis Scherobthregium, or as the one who is everything calls me, 'Mattie'" a sinister voice whispers
Sweetie squeaks and whips her purified carbon sabre of scouring and disembowelment around, the blade pointed at the mailbox "Did... did you say that?!"
"No, it was the couch across the street. Yes it was me!" the voice whispers loudly, chilling the air
"I'm not afraid of you. I have just slain a possessed oven, I do believe that a mailbox will be no match!"
This time the mailbox moves, the flap turning into a cleft chin, razor sharp teeth on the top and bottom of the mouth of the mailbox "That was just a poltergeist, I however am a higher demon borne of fire and bureaucracy, given form by the souls of fallen mail ponies killed by the elements and very angry dogs... I am the great censor of the post! I have more power in a paint chip than you have in your whole being! I am a monster that will devour this world! Flood it with letters and packages lost in the mail! Ponies will be torn to shreds in my great deluge! they will drown, suffocating on stamps! I am immortal! You can try to exorcise me, I will still dwell, you can try to destroy me, I will return! you see little filly, I am the greatest evil, hiding in plain sight! and when I make my move, it will be far too late!"
"Twilight will stop you!" Sweetie says, her sword quaking in her magic
It sneers "She has tried, and failed. She saw me, standing in mockery and defiance to her actions, she ran away screaming, her slave following on his stumpy legs. It was glorious! No one can stop me! I am indestructible! GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"
Sweetie swallows her fear, steadies her blade, and strikes the post, splitting it in two "Stupid mailbox"
On the ground, Mattie grins "What did I just say?"
Mattie and the post glow a sinister scarlet, the cut disappearing "I am indestructible!"
Sweetie shivers and strikes again, the glow returning
"I must admit, I thought the only one who can hear me the one who is everything. I guess that you can too. How wonderful!"
Sweetie gulps and lifts her sabre and runs towards the library
"TWILIGHT!" she screams, waking the sleeping alicorn
"What is it Sweetie?! Are there monsters rampaging?! Did you somehow summon a monster?! What?!"
"Pinkie's mailbox is evil! I need you to help me destroy it!!' Sweetie answers, waving her sabre in the air
Twilight shivers, her pupils reduced to pinpricks "No, nooo, nonononono! I know I destroyed that thing! Spike and Pinkie were with me! I hit that mailbox with my baseball bat until I just about collapsed from exhaustion, screaming in rage the entire time. I then set it on fire, had Spike set it on fire again, followed up with every type of elemental magic I knew, and then blew it up. That done, I then meticulously gathered the remains of the mailbox, did a purification ritual on those remains and the spot the mailbox had been planted, buried the ashes in concrete in the library basement, and then placed protective wards over the drying concrete!! Then the Cakes bought the same type of mailbox from the same place and put it where the old one was planted! I know that's what happened! The mailbox is in no way haunted, possessed, evil, or anything!"
Sweetie shook her head "I was just talking to it! I tried to kill it with my sword and it just fixed itself! We need to kill it!"
Spike looks up from his comic "Why not just encase it in lead or something? That seems to work for magical artifacts in my comics"
Twilight turns to him "That's rediculou- Hey, that might work"
After having all the pegasi in Ponyville lift a lead cube missing the bottom, the aforementioned side teleported right under the post, a trench dug so that the sides interlocked with a seal of molten lead, sealing charms from every nation and cult inscribed in the donated blood of virgins blessed with incredible magic, which was Twilight and Luna.
And the final safeguard, wrapped in duct tape, an industrial magic-deletion device.
Once the cube is completed, duct tape, blood and lead checked, Twilight lets out a loud sigh "We've done it... We've sealed that mailbox away... we've saved the world... man am I light headed..."
Sweetie stares at the cube "Shouldn't we've impaled it with solid lead spikes so that it focuses its power on trying to stay whole rather than letting it build up inside, waiting to burst? I mean, that's what you'd do with a dangerous, immortal villain"
Twilight twitches "Dear maker, you're right! But we can't open it! so... now we just... wait..."
Sweetie smiles "I know how to fix that" she waves down a certain pegasus "Miss Derpy, I think we made a mistake, there's a crack in the side that I can't fix and Twilight is too weak from giving blood. Could you go fix it please?"
Derpy salutes and walks towards the cube, walking around it, finding the imaginary fault and touches it, whole cube unfolding, nearly crushing Rainbow Dash underneath it
Twilight stares in disbelief "How?!"
"Derpy is magic, ask her to try and do something, and she'll end up doing the opposite. Like when the club house needs to be repaired, we ask her to help us tear it down. Before we know it, she's repaired it like it was never broken!"
The mare in question walks over, looking sad "I broke it... I'm sorry..."
Sweetie hugs her "That's okay, now we can make sure there aren't any other problems!"
Her face brightens visibly, returning the hug "Yay! I helped!"
Twilight just nods slowly, filing that fact into the folder of things she will not think about unless she wants to lose it.
After gathering some spare lead, Twilight hefts one, and impales it through Mattie, Sweetie joining in and when they run out, Twilight lifts the sides up, sealing it again, the spears fusing to the walls as they close, a single phrase coming from the sealed mailbox
"I... will... be back... you will... not esca... pe..."
Slowly backing away from the cube, Twilight cheers, trying to dance, everypony else erupting in laughter.
That evening, Sweetie walks home, the sun's dying rays giving the town a golden glow. The white walls of the boutique seeming to glitter scarlet
Just like Mattie's magic
"Psh, yeah right, Mattie is sealed away, I'm just imagining things" she says to herself approaching the mailbox in front of the store
And then she stops
"No... how is that possible?! I saw you shut into that box!"
Mattie looks down at her, cleft chin and sharp teeth grinning "I said that you can't escape me. No one can. So little filly... what's your next move?"
Sweetie shivers "I... SIIIIIIIIS!!!"
Rarity walks out, looking as prim and proper as usual "What is it Swee- WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MAILBOX?!"
"It's Pinkie's evil possessed mailbox! Twilight and I sealed it in a magic lead box this afternoon! It's escaped somehow and is here now! We need to destroy it!"
Rarity rolls her eyes "I know about Pinkie's mailbox and what it does, but blaming it for whatever reason you or one of your friends painted mine pink. Now come inside, you look like you've had a long day... and why do you have a dagger?"
"It's not a dagger! It's a purified carbon sabre of scouring and disembowelment! And more importantly, we need to destroy Mattricullis Scherobthregium! Before he floods the world with lost mail and packages! He can't win!"
Rarity rubs her head "I don't have time for this. Go inside and eat dinner, we can bathe you later"
"But-"
"No 'but's little miss! Inside! Now!"
Sweetie grunts and does so, carrying her sabre in her mouth
Rarity laughs "The imagination that she has, if she could only use it for something useful..."
Unknown to her, Mattie smiles "This world will be mine...
Author's Note
Derpy's power summed up here: https://e621.net/post/show/239914/4koma-anthro-anthrofied-apple_bloom_-mlp-applejack http://www.fimfiction.net/story/190179/twilight-sparkle-vs-the-haunted-mailbox
Wake up and smell the grease paint
TOOOOT TOOOT TOO-TOOT TOOOOOT~
"Is that my imported scoltish fox hunting horn... on my bed? If it is my sister I swear to cotton that I will give her something to wail about" Rarity thinks, looking over her covers
In a stylish yet simple red coat with yarn covered dome buttons and sporting a black bowler is her sister, and the horn is right in front of her face
Sweetie takes a gasp and readies another call when her sister shoots up from bed "SWEETIE! STOP! I'M UP!" she screams, grabbing the startled filly, who promtly blows the horn in one long breath
TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!
Rarity checks her hair and it is, indeed, blown back and now draping over her back and shoulders
"Sorry sis... just trying to get my fox hunting cutie mark" the filly whispers, a frown growing
"Well, I can assure you there is no such thing as a 'fox hunting' cutie mark" the white mare looks in her vanity and notices how beautiful and sultry her sleepy eyes and simple, blown back hair slick with sweat from a "Heated" night alone. Then she gets an idea. "Why don't you try mimicry? You can make money doing it and it's good for one to enjoy the simpler pleasures. Like Ms. Heartstrings and her harp-" "Lyre" Sweetie interjects
Blinking, she looks at her sister "Pardon?"
"It's called a lyre. A harp is at least twice as tall as me and would be hard to carry" Sweetie explains this to her sister, who honestly did not know the difference
"Well... good to know, I have some grease paint, make-up and a beret you can use. I just need your measurements to make the rest... and I should make the make-up water proof though..." The mare grasps the horn in her magic and ushers the girl downstairs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several minutes later, the filly is walking to the park to try her hoof at mimicry but upon trying to stand, she falls over
"Oooowwww... that hurt..." she moans, spitting out a leaf
"Huh, and I thought that mimes didn't talk. Interesting..." a female voice chuckles from a nearby bench
"Who said tha- Oh..." on the bench is Lyra Heartstrings, her legs dangling off the bench, her usual slouch now upright. "So, can't stand on your own two feet?" she smirks, the filly blushing at being seen
"...Yes..." she mutters, the older mare's ears perking it up
"How about I help you?" the green unicorn hops off her bench and extends a forehoof...
While standing on her hindlegs "What? When someone offers to help you up, isn't it polite to accept?"
Having gotton onto her four hooves, the filly looks at the unicorn towering above her "How are you doing that?" she asks, causing Lyra to smile
"Years of practice and determination" the filly gets a down-trodden look (on both sides of her face) "But then I made these two machines with a friend of mine" the mare goes to her bag and pulls out four metal and cloth objects from it
"These are the Quad-2-bi suspender and brace set. It goes around the hind legs and conforms to the shape of your legs and strengthens them to support the rest of your body weight without unnecessary muscle growth. the suspenders do not hinder movement and allow you to walk on two legs... but you'll need to work on your center of gravity and balance to get it down pat. And if you need to get on all fours, there is a switch on the waist belt that undoes the locking mechanism" as she explains her product to the filly, as she affixes it to her
"So... try again" Sweetie tries to lift off her forehooves, but can't "Try throwing a little of your weight back over your shoulders" the mare suggests, flicking her head
Sweetie nods and does upright herself, but then falls backwards
"Whoa there, I said a little, not all. But good work, the first time somebody used it, they couldn't upright until their 10th try" the mare smiles, the filly held from falling by her golden magic
Sweetie smiles as she takes in the older mare's compliment and tries again, only to end the same.
"Tenacious, aren't you? Maybe you should wait until I actually engage the mechanism this time?" the older mare chuckled, flicking a switch "Now try"
Sweetie throws her head back and, unlike before, stands upright "Ah-" the mare puts a hoof over Sweetie's mouth
"Mimes don't talk remember?" the filly nods, understanding the conditions of her chosen persuit
"Good, now try again" Lyra pushes the filly, but instead of landing on her forehooves, the filly takes a step forward, the air being sliced by the solitary clop of her hoof "Did... did you just take a step to brace yourself? That's amazing! It took my test subject a whole week to do that! And you did it without thinking!" The mare jumps up and down with glee, the filly just blushes under her grease paint
"Okay! Now try walking like I'm doing!" the mare stops jumping and starts to walk like a fashion model, hip sashaying, pouty lip and all the other required quirks
Sweetie mimics the other mare's movements and finds herself getting closer to the mare, though her movements aren't as fluid
"OH. MY. LUNA. You did it... you really did it... come here" the mare motions for the filly to approach and once she is within arm's reach, Lyra hugs her. Soft tears going down her face as she kneels on one knee "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you..." she whispers into sweetie's ear, her breath tickling her ears "You have no idea how long I've wished to teach someone what I know... If you'll let me, of course" the mare leans back, her golden eyes shimmering with tears of happiness, a wide smile on her face
Sweetie nods to the mare, catching a hint of mint and sugar in her hair... like mint ice cream
She LOVES mint ice cream
Lyra jumps in the air and squeals like a filly who just got her first kiss
"Okay! Now I need to loosen the joints on here... oops" Sweetie's leg is squeezed in the metal and cloth contraption
"..." she keeps her mouth closed to keep up the mime persona intact as the mare beneath her turns the knob in the other direction, loosening the filly's brace
She sighs in releif as the mare decides to loosen the other
"Sorry about that... got too excited" she levitates the filly to the bench "I'm gonna go get lunch from my house, you stay here and I'll bring you something my heeeeee~ student.... Oh that feels good!" the mare trots off on all fours towards her house in "Bonbon's bonbons" the candy shop across from sugarcube corner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm back!" Lyra announces, sweetie waking from a dream involving Pinkie Pie and far too much maple syrup
She jumps up and runs to the mare, who hugs the filly, relishing in the sweet scent of lilacs and vanilla the filly seemed to be bathed in
"Anyways, time for lunch" they trot to the bench and lyra unceremoniously levitates the contents out
A barley, lettuce, and tomato sandwhich, 3 apples, a carton of chocolate milk, and a few biscuits
"Come on, she didn't forget my- AHA!" she levitates out a small pudding cup "YES! Pudding cup!" she levitates it back into the bag and hoofs half her sandwich, and an apple to the filly, who grabs them and moves in sync with the mare next to her
As they finish, Lyra offers her pudding cup but Sweetie refuses. Lyra pats her head "I don't offer my pudding to just anybody, I like my pudding" she pulls out another machine which looks like an oversized dragon claw but with spoons on the end.
Sweetie waves her hooves and points to the odd machine
"Oh, this? It's a pudding and hand replicating extendo-claw. My own design; watch this" she points to the glove-esque end of it and puts her hoof in, which makes a loud "PSSShhhhh..." noise
Then the fingers flex as if rigid with disuse "See that branch?" she points a finger at the branch across from them
Sweetie nods, mesmerized by the mare's machine
A small crack is heard as the branch appears in the green mare's metal hand "See?" she attempts to twirl it but fails as the branch slaps the side of her head "Owww..."
Sweetie giggles at the mare next to her who shoots an angry glance her way; but then bursts into a giggle fit as well
They lay on the bench, passing ponies not sure what to make of the giggling mime filly and the odd ball musician with one of her strange machines
As the giggles subside, Lyra looks into the shimmering eyes of her student, the sunlight reflecting off her light peridot eyes... "Whoa, that is one cute mime" she thinks to herself as she sits back up onto the bench. the filly doing everything in sync
"Whoa, are you actually doing stuff in sync with me?" she asks, raising an eyebrow
Sweetie nods, a small smile playing across her face
"That. Is. Cool. So, onto our last lesson! Running!" the mare hops down and Sweetie replicates lyra's posture, legs dangling over the ground. The mare tightens the thigh straps, removing the knee braces for easier movement
"Need some help up?" Lyra extends a hoof which Sweetie takes
"Now you've got it!" The mint mare laughs, much to Sweetie's confusion
The mare stops laughing "Readysetgo!" she takes off runing, leaving Sweetie behind to catch up
"By Celestia's mane! I hope this is the last one for today" Sweetie thinks, chasing the mint colored dot on the horizon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Here we are! your house!" the mare says, not a single bead of sweat on her. "Tired? You won't get the girls or guys if you lack stamina" Lyra turns and nocks on the door
"Coming~" a sing song voice calls, the door opening shortly after "Ms. Heartstrings! To what do I owe the annoy- I mean, pleasure?" the unicorn coughs into her hoof
"Your sister helped my more... 'Unhealthy' hobbies today. She was fun" Lyra says, motioning for the filly, who was on four legs again, to enter her home
Rarity raises an eyebrow "'Unhealthy'?"
"Yeah, she was a natural! Of course, I may have been a little to rough with her in the begining, but no lasting physical wounds"
"Hmmmmm... so you had fun with my sister? Was she well behaved?" Rarity starts to get into Lyra's personal space
"Yeah! She was a little noisy at first, but I fixed that" Lyra smiles, looking at the sweating filly on one of the chairs
"Well... did you have any problems?" Rarity asks, getting ready to close the door behind her
"Not really, she ate well, manners and all, but she didn't like my pudding. But she was willing to learn. But you may want to see about raising her stamina, it's abyssmal" Lyra cocks her head at the closing door
"Now listen here you perverted freak of nature! I trusted Sweetie to make good choices today, and that was wrong, but you took advantage of a filly who didn't know better! But I will be nice and let off with a warning: Leather is quite rare and quite fashionable for those who can pull it off, and if I see you near my sister again, I'll get to make some! Understand?!" she finishes, Lyra looking at her with wide eyes
"Oh really?" Lyra jumps back up and pulls out of her pocket a gold and green object
The element of symphony
"Wha- you're one of those new elements?!" Rarity gasps, turning to run
"Don't run, listen" she draws a hoof back and strums a melody, freezing Rarity mid-gallop
"Now, here's a song called 'Memory transfer'" she plays a longer tune, as the notes hit Rarity's ears, she sees in her mind's eye all that Lyra did starting with the park (Including the down-right awful innuendo she used on Bonbon)
"See? You just had a dirty mind. Naughty naughty naughty mare... I also happen to be a barber..." lyra's mouth spreads into a huge one going farther out then her face as her eyes turn green (Pat yourself on the back if you get the ref.)
"And I think that you need a good shave... naughty naughty naughty..." summoning an electric razor, she shears off all of rarity's mane and tail, not a single velvet hair left unshorn*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having removed the grease paint from her face as her book instructed, Sweetie walks out to the show room to see Rarity wearing a big hat and dress "Uh... sis? Why are you dressed for summer?"
"No reason... just going to see Twilight about some magic" and with that, the mare scurries off to the library
"Huh, wonder what got caught in her coifure" shrugging, the filly goes to wash off the sweat
Author's Note
seriously have to figure out how to embed images
