Chapter 1
The only reason Kevin Stone didn’t get turned into a pony at work was because he dropped a pen under his desk.
While he was under there on the short office carpet, shaded from the light of the fluorescents overhead, a pony wearing a purple vest with several large hoppers full of equally purple fluid burst into his cubicle farm and cried “Welcome to the herd!” in rapturous joy. Then there was a loud pop, and a rolling splatter, and the thick, heavy purple fluid exploded out in all directions, including upward. It arced over the cubicle walls, some of it going high enough to coat the light fixtures and throw the room into an eerie violet glow. Kevin’s cubicle was immediately drenched too, and from his safe spot under the desk he saw his chair covered and the edge of the counter dripping grape-scented goo down onto the carpet. The stuff sank into the carpet rather than spread out, which Kevin was glad for, as he didn’t have any room to maneuver away where he was. He soon heard moans of fear and pain coming from his coworkers nearby, but these quieted quickly, and after he heard the wet thumping of a set of hooves quickly making its escape, all was silent.
Kevin’s heart pounded in his chest, and only after his white-knuckle grip on the retrieved pen snapped it in half did his mind kick back in and take action. He awkwardly fished for his cell phone in his pocket and dialed 911. He reported the PER attack to the police, and then waited.
Within ten minutes, he heard the sirens of first responders. A few minutes later, there were hard-soled shoes running down the hallway to his office, and by then his coworkers were awakening as ponies, some giddy from the shock of what had happened, others frightened and disoriented. He couldn’t see anyone, though, and nobody could see him.
He could hear them, though.
“What… what happened?” asked Julie, the finance analyst who worked near the door.
“This feels so... strange?” he heard Tyrone from procurement murmur to himself. “No… different.”
Rose, the data-entry clerk from the cubicle next door to Kevin, had worry in her voice. “What am I going to tell Don and the kids? What if they don’t understand?”
“Everyone, you have been the victims of a conversion attack,” said the police officer at the doorway. “Please remain where you are and try to remain calm. We have medical personnel and trauma counselors coming to assist you.”
Kevin could hear newly-minted ponies slipping and falling over in the thick, slick potion. He heard a few giggles, some quiet sobs, and even a bit of hushed commiserating conversation he couldn’t quite make out. For his part, however, he stayed quiet.
Thirty minutes after the attack, a full complement of rescuers had carefully made their way up to his cube-farm on the second floor. Through the door two rows over, Kevin could hear them speaking and congregating in the hallway.
“Oh man, this is a bad one,” he heard a woman say.
“He must’ve been carrying a hell of a lot,” added a man.
“Okay, four lifting teams, rubber mop for the carpet, and go slow; some of them are trying to move about on their own,” said a different man. Kevin could hear the rattle of gurneys lining up on the tile floor outside.
“I’m in here!” he called out. “I’m still human! I’m under my desk but I can’t move, there’s potion everywhere.”
“Kev? Kev, is that you?” he heard Steve from IT say. “You’re not a pony?”
Kevin could hear a bit of clamor as the EMTs and cops realized their mission wasn’t just recovery, but rescue too. He heard a thumping and a pair of human feet in thick waders slid to a stop in front of his cubicle. He saw a policewoman bend over to have a look at him, and as soon as they made eye contact, she straightened up again.
“There’s a human over here!” she called across the cubicle walls. Get some spare gloves and boots, make a hole for—”
“Equestria awaits you!” interrupted a muffled voice. There was another pop, and a sharper splattering sound as a second PER attacker detonated a potion bomb in the hallway.
It had gone quiet again. Kevin looked out at the wader boots in his line of sight, but the policewoman was just staring there, dumbfounded. After a moment, he saw the boots move slightly.
“Dispatch, sixteen Adam, we’ve just had a second conversion attack at Delta Consulting! I say again, Delta Consulting no longer secure!” There was a pause, then: “Jesus, he got everyone.”
Kevin closed his eyes and rested his head against the spongy fabric of the cubicle divider. No, the PER pony hadn’t gotten everyone. He realized he wasn’t going anywhere for a while.
* * *
A tall policeman threw an itchy wool blanket around Kevin’s shoulders as he sat on the curb across the street from the three-story office building where he worked. The parking lot was a snarl of emergency vehicles throwing a daytime rave of red, blue, yellow, and white strobe lights. On either side of Kevin were three others who had made it out of the cube-farm unconverted. They had all been on the row furthest from the door, where the potion apparently hadn’t reached. Kevin didn’t know them too well, and nobody was talking. Kevin’s heart sank. The branch would probably be closing because of this, and he would be out of a job.
“Excuse me,” said the woman sitting next to him to a passing policeman, “how many were… hit?”
“Forty-four civilians, twelve police officers, and eight EMTs,” said the cop. “They hit a second time in the hallway after the first responders were on-site. Looks like they were waiting for them.”
“Oh my God,” she whispered as the cop resumed walking by.
They watched in silence as a stream of unsteady ponies ambled out of the front doors, supported by EMTs and being given blankets by police. They seemed to be alert and talking, but from where Kevin was across the street, he had no idea who was who as a pony.
From near the police line, a patrolman directed a bright yellow mare over to the small group of humans at the curb. She was neither wearing nor carrying anything, but as she approached they grew nervous, edging one way or another away from her as though she had something contagious.
The little mare stopped directly in front of Kevin, taking him in with large blue eyes that carried a look of confusion.
“Kev?” she asked in a voice he recognized.
Kevin blinked. He didn’t feel the blanket slip from his shoulders. “Samantha? Is that you?”
His girlfriend nodded slowly, unsure if she wanted to admit it now. “Y-yes. Yes, Kev, it’s me.”
His eyes widened. “Oh, God. You’ve gotta be kidding me. They got you too? What were you doing at my work?”
The yellow mare crossed one forehoof in front of the other and bit her lip. Her light blue tail swished meekly, telegraphing guilt. “Not… exactly. I got converted last week. I just got out of the Bureau today. I… I wanted to surprise you.”
Kevin didn’t know what to say. He certainly didn’t know which had been the bigger surprise that day.
Chapter 2
“You told me you were going to a spa with Kathy.”
Kevin closed the door behind them and flipped on the lights while Samantha trotted to the kitchen. As he passed the stairs leading to the second floor of his townhouse, he noticed a blue drawstring bag leaning upright against the bannister. The bag had a white Conversion Bureau logo screened on the side.
“Well, it kind of was, when you think about it,” she called from around the corner. “I actually didn’t know myself if I was gonna go through with it until I got there, so…”
Before Kevin approached the kitchen, he looked down at his hands. They were still shaking slightly from nerves. Anytime he took a moment to stop and think, he realized just how close he’d come to having his life irrevocably changed. The Barrier had almost got him. That… place had almost got him, completely without a fight. He made tight fists to fight down the nervous energy, then leaned on the wall to watch the little yellow pony—his girlfriend—nose through the contents of the refrigerator and emerge with a small clear plastic package of baby carrots held daintily in her mouth.
“So Kathy put you up to this?” he said, arching an eyebrow. He wanted to get his mind on anything but the attack, and Samantha’s little embellishment of the truth would do nicely.
Samantha slid the carrots onto the table in the breakfast nook. Her ears went back slightly upon hearing what he said. Kevin watched her awkwardly hop up onto the wooden chair and then attempt to turn in place.
“Kathy didn’t put me up to anything,” she huffed, the difficulty maneuvering in the chair adding to her annoyance. Getting her butt on the chair would require her back hooves to slide out from under her, so she simply gave up and hopped back down, pulling the carrots off the table and setting them down on the floor next to her. “It was a joint decision. She got ponified too! She’s a unicorn now, a really cute one. She even thought up a name: ‘Night Dancer.’ It goes well with her coat. I haven’t thought of a pony name yet.” Samantha nudged at the plastic tray with a hoof, then with her thick pony-lips. Finally, she looked up at Kevin and gave him a pouty face. “Little help?”
Kevin knelt down next to Samantha and snapped the plastic tray open for her. “Sounds like a stripper’s stage name, to be honest,” he said. He made to say something more, but Samantha had quickly thrust her short muzzle into the carrots and was gobbling them up before he could even stand up and back away a couple of steps.
“Sam, look at you,” he said, his brow knitting. “You look like a dog down there.”
“‘m hungry,” she said around a mouthful of carrot, “'n that’s k'nd of a rude th'ng t' say, y’know.” She ate a couple more bites, then looked up, her expression glowing with bliss. “Oh, sweet Celestia, you have no idea how good these taste now.”
“Apparently not…” Kevin trailed off. Something unpleasant was running up the back of his neck. “Sam, you… you really do seem different,” he managed at last.
She giggled and looked up at him, waggling her ears. “Well what was your first clue, silly?”
“No, I mean…” he looked down at his hands. They were trembling again, almost imperceptibly, but Samantha didn’t seem the least bit distressed. “Over sixty people’s lives were just knocked on their ear today,” he said, “and I was almost one of them. I’m thinking if I turn on the news and see anything about it I’m gonna break down into a nervous wreck, Sam, and here you are talking about how good carrots taste.”
“They’ll be fine,” she said. “Nopony got hurt, and besides, it’s gotta happen sooner or later!”
He took another step away. “You don’t care at all that the PER just potioned where I work and forced all those people to change into ponies?”
She stopped eating and looked up at him. When she saw that he was further away, she began to realize she had been a little too focused on getting something to eat. “Oh, Kev, it’s terrible that it was forced on them, don’t get me wrong, but you don’t understand! You can’t understand.”
Kevin winced, and he felt his eyes narrow. Samantha had never sounded so patronizing before. He held up an unsteady hand. “I… can’t understand?” He let out a short chuckle of disbelief. “I was there, Sam. A pony just ran in and shouted something and then there was potion everywhere. That potion could have been cut with anything, like acid or nerve agents, or just a bad batch, or some other horrible thing that I haven’t even thought of, and believe me, on the ride home I thought about it a lot.”
Her look changed to one of horror. “Oh, Kevin!” she cried, cantering up to him and rearing onto her hind legs to throw her forelegs around his midsection. She rested her cheek on his chest. “I didn’t realize it had affected you so deeply! But please, trust me, everything is going to be okay for those ponies.”
“People,” he said quietly.
“Ponies are people too,” Samantha said immediately. “Come on. Let’s get this sorted. Sit down with me and we’ll talk it out. I’m here for you, Kevin. I love you.”
A second lump of weight descended into his stomach. That was the other thing. His girlfriend was now a pony, and had gone and gotten converted without so much as telling him. He had a suspicion as to why, but if he was right, that made things between them worse, not better.
She pulled her neck back to look up at him. “Don’t you love me too, Kev?” she asked.
Kevin took a step back into the hallway, forcing Samantha to take an awkward step to stay with him as she hugged him.
“You’re a pony now,” he said, “and you just… you up and did it. All on your own. We’ve been dating two years, Sam—you had to have known how I’d feel about it, you had to. I’m thinking that’s why you didn’t tell me.”
Samantha’s ears drooped. She knew she was starting to lose him. She managed a weak smile. “It’s better to ask forgiveness than permission, Kev,” she offered.
Kevin pursed his lips. It sounded to him like something the PER would say.
“I really think you’re worrying about this too much,” she added. “Ponification is something we all have to face, Kevin!” He pulled away from her and she landed deftly on her front hooves, watching him retreat into the living room. Samantha walked after him, a sharp knot forming in her throat, a rising fear she had forgotten to consider with the rush and elation the Conversion Bureau’s environment had steeped her in for two weeks.
Kevin sat down hard on the living-room couch, staring blankly at the dark TV screen across from him. He folded his hands together and brought them up in front of his face, the shaking returning. The yellow pony saw it. She licked her lips in trepidation as she realized he was thinking about what had happened at Emergence.
“I know it’s hard for you,” she said, “but you can’t dwell on things nopony can help!” She walked gingerly up to him and placed a hoof gently on his knee. “Kevin, it was nopony’s fault—”
“Stop using that word,” he said, his voice shaking along with his hands. “To hear you say it is just… it’s so weird.”
“I’m s-sorry,” said Samantha. “It just… it comes naturally to me now. I’ll try to say ‘nobody.’”
“The fact that you have to try means you’ve changed more than physically,” said Kevin, “and that’s another thing. I don’t… I d—” He let out a frustrated sigh. “I’m not… attracted to ponies. Physically. I don’t like them… like that.”
Samantha shook her head. “It’s okay, I know,” she said. “I’m not expecting you to be intimate with me like this, but…”
His eyes flicked over to her. She wouldn’t dare, would she? ”But what?” he asked.
Samantha let out a breath, steeling herself, and withdrew her hoof. “But after you get converted, you’ll see, you’ll have a completely different persp—where are you going?”
Kevin had stood, and nearly tripped over Samantha as he stormed past her to the stairs. She tried to catch the tail of his shirt in her teeth, but missed. “Kevin, no,” she barked at him, “I know about your little stash upstairs, don’t you dare—”
To her surprise, he stopped at the foot of the stairs and pointed at the Conversion Bureau bag. “That was here when we came in,” he said, “which means you stopped by here first before coming to my office to ‘surprise’ me.”
Samantha’s ears folded back. “Yes, you’re right,” she said, trying to bring her chin up. “So?”
“So how did you get there?”
“The taxi from the Bureau waited for me.”
He put his hands in his pockets and leaned down. “Your bag was here and you don’t exactly have any pockets now. How did you pay him?”
Both of their voices were starting to raise. “I had money in my bag, and I brought some with me when I dropped the bag off!”
“How did you know how much the fare would be?” asked Kevin. “How did you know how much to bring?”
“I estimated high and I let him keep the change!” she shouted back. “Why are you asking me this?”
He took a step towards her, and to the little pony, the human before her suddenly seemed towering and dangerous.
“Samantha,” said Kevin, the quietness in his voice edged with something strong, “you weren’t in on this, were you? The thing at my office.”
She bared blunt teeth at him. “How could you?” she cried. “How could you accuse me of such a horrible thing?”
“Oh, so now it’s horrible!” he said, straightening back up. “It didn’t seem so horrible to you when you were chowing down on carrots in the kitchen without a care in the world!” He pulled his hands out of his pockets and waved them around, affecting Samantha’s voice. “Oh Kevin, you silly billy, it’s no big deal, having a brush with the PER and almost being changed into a pony for the rest of your life! Oh little worrywart, there’s no way this could result in relocation or layoffs! Spilled milk! I mean, you could have had it worse! You could have been one of the dozens of humans who now has to figure out how to get by as a creature they don’t know how to be, living with friends and family who have to adjust along with them! Or do I mean you could have had it ‘better?’ Tee-hee! I’m a pony by the way! Hope you’re okay with that! It was just a little tiny fib, really, me and Kathy still totally went to a spa if you tilt your head a bit and squint!”
Tears began to well up in Samantha’s eyes. “This isn’t you,” she choked out. “This is coming from a hurt place, Kev, this isn’t you! You’re lashing out, that’s all, I know you don’t mean it, but I thought you’d gotten further along than this! It’s been almost a year, Kevin, it’s time to let it go!”
Kevin let out a breath and dialed it back a bit. “Sam,” he said slowly, “what did you think would happen when you came here, to me, like that? You think everything would have been smooth sailing?”
“I thought,” she said through her tears, “that when you saw somep—somebody you knew, as a pony… not just a stranger on the streets but somebody you were close to… you’d realize that it was okay, that it wasn’t destructive! I learned so much about Equestria and the Barrier at the Bureau, Kevin. Everything Princess Celestia has been telling the news is true. It’s not coming to kill us, it’s coming to save us, and even if I look like this I’m still the Sam you know and love, and even when you get converted you’ll still be the Kevin I know and love.”
“The Sam I thought I knew,” Kevin corrected. “There’s something off about you, and it creeps me out. You never talked like this about that Barrier when you were a human.” When she didn’t reply, he shook his head slowly, and went up a couple of steps on the stairway. He stopped and turned around. “This is too much,” he said. “Too much has happened today. I… I need a shower, and a drink, and some sleep.”
Samantha’s ears went back again. “I’m not going to let you drink this away, Kevin,” she said, wiping her tears from her face with a forehoof. “Even if you don’t approve of me getting converted, that doesn’t change the fact that I care about you!”
“If you’d cared about me,” he said, “you wouldn’t have lied about going to the Bureau.”
“You would have tried to stop me!” she shouted.
“No,” he said softly, “I would have cut you loose.”
Her mouth opened and closed for a few moments. “Wha—”
“Stay there,” he said. “I’ve got something to show you.”
Kevin disappeared up the stairs, leaving Samantha on shaky legs at the bottom. A few moments later, he returned, holding a small ring box covered in blue velour in one hand. He held it up and watched her eyes grow huge.
“This,” he said. “I had to buy this because the engagement ring I would have given you got vaporized by that Barrier. You know, the one you say is here to ‘save us.’”
“Kevin…” she breathed.
“I was gonna ask you at the end of summer, right before Shelly went back to college.” He turned the box over in his fingers and studied it calmly. “Now I think it’d be best if I hung onto it, just in case I lose my job over that ‘harmless’ PER attack and have to sell it to make the property-tax payments on this place. Obviously you’re going to do whatever you want to do, Sam, and I certainly can’t stop you. But I don’t want any part of this PER stuff or conversion or anything to do with that God damned Barrier, you understand?
“Every time I see it, it just…” His throat caught, and he started weeping along with Samantha. “It does nothing but remind me, Sam. It’s all I see when I look at it. It won’t let me move on! I just want it to go away, and leave me alone, and all of this pony bullshit to just disappear and leave me in peace.”
“Kevin,” she pleaded as best she could through her sobs, “you’re hurting, you’re shaken up from this afternoon, that’s all! Please don’t do this! I admit I forgot how scary conversion can seem, but please believe me, it’s not! The thing you’re pulling away from is the very thing that can help you move on! I can’t help you just talking to you, but you’ve got to trust me! When I converted, it was like… l-like a weight was lifted from me! I can’t look at the Barrier with dread anymore! Equestria is waiting for me, and it’s waiting for you too! Let’s just—”
Kevin stiffened, and Samantha saw the muscles in his jaw tighten. “The second PER pony to hit my office said the same thing,” he said, almost a whisper. “Take your bag and get out.”
“Wait, Kevi—”
“What, you want the ring, too?” he snapped. “You don’t even have a finger I can put it on anymore. Go to Equestria if you know you’ll love it there so much.”
Samantha let out a long, slow breath. Her tears stopped.
“I don’t have to,” she said quietly, getting her emotions under control, “because Equestria’s coming to me. And to you too, Kevin, whether you like it or not. It’s all so messed up, what’s happening out there, and I can’t even figure out how you’re hoping it’ll end. When I decided to get converted, I knew you’d have reservations, perhaps even be suspicious, but… I was sure you would come around eventually... if I could just be there for you.”
Kevin came down the steps, picked up the Conversion Bureau newfoal bag, and held it out to her. “That’s the thing,” he said. “You were so convinced that I would see things your way, you never stopped to consider how I might not.”
“Fair enough,” she said. “I underestimated how much you hated the Barrier. But it’s either hurt or heal, Kevin, and you’re letting it hurt.” The small yellow mare cocked her head at him, regarding him sadly. “One more thing,” she said.
“Yeah?”
Samantha headbutted Kevin in the crotch, which was conveniently at head height for her. Pain and nausea shot up Kevin’s torso and he fell over on his side, doubled over in agony. Samantha very gently pushed him over onto his back with a hoof and kissed him forcefully on the mouth, wrestling her tongue between his teeth and staying like that for several seconds.
Finally, she pulled off of him and sighed. “That’s for me,” she said. “I wish we could have gone to Equestria together one day. What happened was a tragedy, and nopony would claim otherwise, but at every turn you seem determined to just make it worse for yourself.
“It’s happening, Kevin. This is happening. It’s bigger than any of us, and I’m just afraid that pain you’re holding onto in your heart is going to get you killed. I hope it doesn’t. Not even now.”
She nuzzled his cheek, then took the drawstrings of her bag up in her teeth and slung the sack onto her back with a flick of her neck. As she fumbled with the doorknob, a few fresh sobs rose through her throat.
“Goodbye, Kevin,” she whispered. “I love you.”
She went through the front door, pulling it closed behind her with a rattle of the knob, and he never saw her again.
* * *
Kevin awoke the next morning leaning up against the side of his bed, still dressed as he’d been the night before during his savage assault on the supply of liquor he kept in the upstairs rec room. He had made a decent dent in it, but with the lack of supper in his stomach coupled with the emotional drainage of seeing Samantha off, he’d folded faster than expected.
His head felt full of throbbing railroad ties and a thin layer of fine-grit sandpaper seemed to coat the backs of his eyeballs. The first thing Kevin saw after the blurring had died down was the framed picture of his mother and father standing in front of a grand cruise ship on an overcast day. They were hugging each other, faces turned to one side to grin at the camera.
His eyes had no tears left, for the time being. Kevin’s body just hitched in place as he silently wept. He hugged the picture frame to him.
“I miss you.”
Kevin’s feet felt full of lead on the journey down to the living room. He very nearly tripped up twice on the stairs alone. He decided to take a breather before the long trek to the kitchen and sat down on the couch, turning on the TV.
He’d forgotten he had the sound muted from last time, and, judging from the shaky handheld camcorder footage of the huge pink-orange Barrier staring him in the face from the screen, it was still on a 24-hour news network.
Kevin scanned the title card below the footage.
LANDFALL
St. John’s, Newfoundland, Canada
Then his eyes flicked to the ticker.
Analysts Predict Ireland Landfall in 3 Months, Maine in 4 • Conversion Bureaus Now Open in Istanbul, Guadalajara, Nairob
Kevin turned the TV off without reading any more and leaned over to check his cell phone. He had a voicemail message from early last night, sometime after Samantha had left. The readout above the time stamp read “Kathy.” Kevin sighed and opened his voicemail, holding the phone to his ear.
“Kevin? This is Night Dancer. So Sam just showed up at my door a fu—a flipping mess, looking like she’d been crying her eyes out all day and come to find out you fu—y-you flailing dumped her over her conversion and the poor thing was just blindsided by that! You broke a filly’s heart over trying to get you eased into the idea that you’re gonna have to get converted some day, and I… I-I hope you’re just pleased as punch about that! It stinks about the PER and your job and all the other stuff, I know, but this isn’t just your own life you’re shi—you’re pooping on here anymore! If I ever see you in Equestria you better hope—”
Beep. Kevin erased the voicemail and pulled the phone free of its charger. He stood up slowly and put the phone in his pocket, sauntering to the kitchen and stopping in the threshold.
The tray of half-eaten carrots was still on the floor.
Chapter 3
Ten days after Samantha had closed the door behind her, Kevin was opening it to see his younger sister on the doorstep with a pale red unicorn stallion at her side.
“Hey, there she is!” said Kevin as Shelly jumped through the doorway to hug him. The stallion waited patiently to be invited in.
“Brooooheim!” cried Shelly into Kevin’s ear, making him wince for a couple of reasons. “Good to see you, and good to see you haven’t burned the place down yet.”
“Heh, wouldn’t dream of it,” replied Kevin as the two separated. He looked to the unicorn. “Who’s this?”
Shelly backed up and knelt beside the stallion, hugging his barrel to her. “Kev, this is Rampart, a friend I made at school.”
Rampart smiled in embarrassment and looked up at Kevin, holding out a hoof. “It’s great to finally meet you, Kevin,” he said. “Shelly’s had nothing but good things to say about you.”
“Oh, that means she hasn’t been saying much, eh?” Kevin shook Rampart’s hoof while the pony chuckled. “Come on in.” He stepped to one side, allowing the two to enter the living room, and pulled Shelly’s bags inside before shutting the door behind them.
Rampart sniffed the air as he came in. Humans didn’t generally notice, and when they did, they didn’t seem to mind. There had been a pony in the house—a mare—either very long ago or very briefly. Her scent was too faint to tell what type of pony she’d been. There was also the sweet, sharp smell of alcohol coming from the top of the stairs. Rampart snuck a glance at Kevin as he picked up one of his sister’s bags.
Shelly threw herself onto the couch and wiggled into a comfortable position. “Ah, man, it’s good to be back,” she said, closing her eyes. “I’m just gonna sleep here all summer, okay? Wake me up the day before classes start.”
“Haha, yeah, right,” deadpanned Kevin, dropping the bag he was holding at the foot of the stairs (right where Samantha’s Conversion-Bureau bag had been). “Get up, you bum, and go get settled in. You brought a guest, which means we gotta entertain.” He turned to Rampart. “What’re you drinking? I’ve got water, grape juice, orange juice, Sprite, bourbon, vodk—”
Rampart held up a hoof, smiling nervously. “Er, water will be just fine, thank you.”
“Water it is.”
Shelly stood back up and gathered her things while Kevin walked to the kitchen. Rampart followed him. Kevin stopped at the cabinets and turned around.
“Uh, I actually… don’t know…” he cleared his throat. “Do ponies use glasses to drink, or… like, bowls?”
Rampart smiled warmly, but in the back of his mind he wondered how this never came up with the mare who had been here. “We can use glasses just fine,” he said. “Nothing about them confounds us, to my knowledge.”
“Right,” said Kevin, turning back around and opening the cabinet. “Okay, glasses. Got it.” After collecting a glass, he then pulled a jug of filtered water from the refrigerator and poured Rampart a generous amount. Kevin was surprised to see Rampart easily grasp the glass with a single hoof and then walk alongside him on three legs back to the living room.
“How do you do that?” he asked the pony.
Rampart arched an eyebrow. “How do I hold a glass?”
“Yeah, um…”
Kevin stopped to gesture to the couch. “Please.”
“Oh! Thank you.” Rampart climbed onto the couch and tucked his free legs under him. Kevin sat on the opposite end, leaving a cushion between them. “Well, we just… if you wanna hold something in a hoof, you just, like… pick it up? Sorry, I’ve actually never had to think about how to explain such a thing before.”
Kevin held up a hand. “Oh, no no, that’s okay, it’s just… I guess it’s kind of weird of me to ask. Sorry.”
Shelly came bounding down the stairs and sat down with a bounce between her brother and her friend. “Last summer before graduation! Go Huskers!” she cheered, throwing an arm around Kevin. Then her face fell as she remembered seeing the PER attack on the news. “Oh my god, that’s right, Kevin! I heard about what happened at Delta, are you okay?”
Kevin shrugged. “I’m here, aren’t I? I was one of, like, six people who didn’t get hit.”
Shelly whistled and shook her head. “Talk about your close calls, huh?”
Rampart sipped his water and listened quietly while Kevin spoke. “Well, in a way, they still got me: Delta’s closing this office. Got my pink slip in the mail and everything.”
Her jaw fell. “You’re kidding me! You’re out of a job? Just like that?”
He shrugged. “I had an inkling it might happen. Building owner saw an opportunity to hike the rent due to ‘security and preventative costs,’ and Delta said ‘screw that, we’re not paying,’ so they pulled up stakes. If I wanted to keep working for them I’d have to compete with everyone else to get one of the few open positions up in Lincoln. I’m not gonna bother.”
“Aw, shit, Kev, I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Me too.”
“What’re you gonna do for money?”
Kevin scratched his temple. “Well, I’ve still got my share of Mom and Dad’s inheritance socked away in savings, that’ll do for a while. I also… well. Never mind.”
She put a hand on his shoulder. “No ‘never mind,’ Kev. Tell me.”
He lifted his head and looked over at Shelly, making momentary eye contact with Rampart just past her. “Sam and I broke up. Day of the attack.”
Shelly covered her mouth with her hands. “Jesus Christ, Kev, really?”
He closed his eyes and nodded. “Yeah. Get this, Shel: she told me she was going to a spa with Kathy for two weeks, right? Well, come to find out she actually went to Omaha and got converted. Both of ‘em did! Kathy’s now named ‘Night Dancer’ or some shit and Sam… hell, maybe she’s changed her name by now, who knows.”
Rampart’s ears perked up at the mention of conversion, and he saw that Kevin noticed it.
“So yeah, she came to my office right after the attack had happened, as a pony, and then once we got home she started playing like I was blowing it out of proportion! She wasn’t the same, Shel, I’m telling you, she was… it was like the idea of people just becoming ponies didn’t bother her at all, and that Barrier’s now just the most harmless thing you could ever imagine.
“Anyway, I was going to propose to her in a few months, but… now I’m thinking I’ll just sell the ring and get some money for the bills.”
Shelly and Rampart exchanged a look, then Shelly squeezed her brother’s shoulder. “Kev… I’m sorry to hear all that. I really am. You didn’t tell me you were planning on getting engaged!”
Kevin shot her a wan smile. “I know, you Shel,” he said. “You’re a blabber. You’d blab. You wouldn’t mean to, but it’d happen.”
She sighed. “Look, I haven’t dropped my scholarship money on my senior year yet. I could funnel it to you, put off graduation for a year while you look f—”
“No!” said Kevin immediately. “It sucks, yeah, but I don’t want this affecting you or what you’re doing. Don’t change things around just because of what’s going on with me. I’ll bounce back. Hell, I might already have a new job before you even go back.
“But enough about this,” he went on. “The farmer’s market is in town today, and I’ll go pick up some stuff for dinner.” He stood and looked to Rampart while diving into his pockets for his car keys. “What’s your pleasure? No meat, right? I may not know much about ponies, but I remember you guys don’t eat meat.”
Rampart smiled at him. “We don’t, no,” he said. “Say, would you mind terribly if I came along? I’ve never been to a human farmer’s market before and I'd kind of like to check it out. It’ll also let me see what’s available.”
“Sure, it’s fine with me,” he said. “You coming too, Shel?”
She folded her arms and smiled serenely. “Nah, I’ll let you boys get your bonding time in. I’ve gotta unpack anyway.” She shuddered. “Sleeping in Mom and Dad’s bed, though, it’s just...”
“Yeah,” said Kevin. “Bet you regret letting Dad turn your room into a rec room now, huh?” He managed a smile, but it was a weak one. “You were so sure you were done with this place forever. ‘Oh, I can’t wait to get out of this house and off on my own, it’ll be so great—’”
“Yeah yeah, I thought you were leaving,” she said, springing up and pushing him towards the door.
“—gonna be my own person finally and live free of your rules—”
“Out!” she shouted. Rampart set his empty glass on an end table and trotted after them.
* * *
The late-afternoon sun cast the strip in deep orange as Kevin looked out over the two-block length of stalls and stands. The Beatrice Farmer’s Market set up every Saturday from 2PM to 6PM on the blocked-off section of 5th Street between Court and Bell. Over the past few months, Kevin had noticed more and more ponies in the crowd, browsing the stalls and chatting with the local growers. They were still a huge minority, but every week there seemed to be just a few more than the week before, dotting the throngs with colorful coats that made them easy to spot.
“There are places much like this in Equestria,” said Rampart as they leisurely walked down one side of the market, “except they’re open every day out of necessity.”
“In Equestria?” said Kevin. “You’ve been there?”
Rampart laughed, and his laugh was free of mockery. “I should think so!” he said. “I’m from Equestria. Native born.”
“Oh! Wow. I thought you were… you know, some college kid Shelly already knew who converted.”
The little unicorn grinned and shook his head, his red mane swishing back and forth over his neck. “Nope! I’m actually here on royal business. Any native Equestrian you’re likely to run into at this early stage is probably here in some official capacity. Their Royal Highnesses haven’t yet blessed off on Earth tourism until the safety of their subjects can be assured… and—this is just my theory, but—I think they don’t want ponies heading to places that don’t yet have Bureaus set up.”
As if to underscore the statement, Kevin and Rampart passed by a dour-looking celery grower who had a plywood sign propped up against his stand which read “PONY SERVICE REFUSED” in dripping black spray-painted letters. Kevin didn’t know why, but he put his hands in his pockets. Rampart simply chose to look away at the suddenly more interesting stalls across the street.
“Did Shelly happen to tell you the deal with our parents?” asked Kevin after a few moments of walking in silence.
“Not in detail, but she did tell me what happened,” replied Rampart, his ears drooping. “I mean, everypony knows about the Queen Mary 2 and Emergence, but… you and Shelly are the first humans I’ve met who’ve been directly affected by it.”
“Well, if you care for more detail, yeah, they were on that ship,” said Kevin, looking ahead at nothing in particular. “They were on a cruise from Southampton to New York City, trans-Atlantic for their thirtieth wedding anniversary. About halfway there, the Barrier, just… poof, there it was, and pow, there they went. All that ocean, and the hundred miles they were in happened to be the hundred miles the Barrier took as its foothold.” He chuckled unevenly. “I mean, heh, what’re the odds, right?”
Rampart looked up at him sadly, his ears still down. “Kevin, you have my heartfelt condolences over the loss of your parents. It wasn’t something anypony ever inten—”
“No, no, it’s fine, it’s fine,” said Kevin. After a moment’s consideration, he pulled a hand from his pocket. “Well, I mean, truthfully it’s not fine, it fucked me up—”
Rampart winced at the word, gritting his teeth a bit. Hearing humans swear felt like nails on a chalkboard to him, or a bug bite in a spot impossible to reach.
“—sorry,” continued Kevin. “It messed me up pretty bad, but what I’m trying to get at is that yeah, that happened, and I broke up with Samantha after she went pony without warning me, but I don’t want you to think I’m one of those people.” He jerked a thumb over his shoulder.
“I understand,” said Rampart slowly. He wondered if Kevin even really had his feelings sorted out all that well. “I’m a member of the Royal Guard back in Equestria, and before I shipped out here with some other comrades we got a briefing on the fringe groups already springing up, the HLF and the PER and whatnot. Princess Luna has assured everypony on both worlds time and again that the PER do not reflect nor represent the wishes of the Crown, and their actions are wholly condemned by the Equestrian diarchy.”
“I think I remember hearing about that,” said Kevin, “but I try to limit my intake of news these days.” He nodded at a small stand they were quickly approaching. “Let’s stop here,” he said. “I know this guy.”
Rampart looked up at the older human standing behind crates of tomatoes lining a long plastic folding table. Humans had small, piercing predators’ eyes which were sometimes hard to read without body language to help. His instincts wouldn’t let him figure out what to make of the man until he broke into a smile and shook Kevin’s hand.
“Mr. Kevin! Good to see you,” said the old man.
Kevin smiled back and gestured to the unicorn next to him. “Mr. Trossbach, this is Rampart, a friend of my sister’s.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Trossbach,” said Rampart.
The farmer snorted, the smile still on his face. “‘Jerry’ will do just fine, thank you,” he said. “I’ve known the Stone kids since they were little enough to have ridden on your back, Rampart, and they ain’t never stopped callin’ me Mr. Trossbach, so don’t you mind what Kevin and Shelly do. At any rate, the pleasure’s mine.”
“We’re here for some tomatoes, Mr. Trossbach, and some carrots, and…” Kevin leaned to one side to look behind Jerry. “Say, where’s your cold trailer?”
Jerry pulled a toothpick from his shirt pocket and put it in his mouth. “About that… I’ll be scaling the meat-selling back to every other week, though to be honest I’d only give it a month, maybe two before it’s gone altogether.”
Kevin’s brow furrowed. “You won’t be selling meat anymore?” he asked. “Why not?”
Jerry nodded to the pony and switched the toothpick to the other side of his mouth. “Equestria’s been busy courtin’ us farmers,” he said. “I know they got princesses and all, but man, they must be plenty rich to do what they’re doin’.”
Rampart blinked, unsure of what the tall old man was talking about. “W-what are they doing, Jerry?” he asked. “I wasn’t aware the Crown was even dealing with human farmers.”
“They’re buyin’ out all the meat subsidies,” said Jerry, “at least the ones ‘round here, but I can’t imagine it’d be much different in other states. They’re offering the government rates plus twenty percent! That ain’t much to sneeze at right there.”
Kevin scratched the back of his head. “That’s… wow, that’s a hell of a thing, Mr. Trossbach.”
Jerry leaned on his table. “Ain’t it just?” He looked up and down the row before continuing. “Now, I’m sure some folks won’t be getting on board, what with who’s doing the offering and everything, but… sorry, Kevin, that kind of money talks loud, you know?”
“No, I get it,” said Kevin. “Can’t say I’d do different in your position.” He looked down at Rampart. “Invisible hoof of the free market, right?” Rampart managed a halfhearted chuckle.
“All the same, expect meat prices to go through the roof in about a month,” said Jerry.
“I’ll be sure to stock up when I see you next week,” said Kevin with a nod. “Heck, I might buy out your stock.”
“Wouldn’t hurt my feelings none if you did,” said Jerry. “But anyway, that was tomatoes, carrots… anything else for you boys? Got some lettuce I’m trying to get rid of. Cut you a deal.”
“Good on lettuce, sorry,” said Kevin. “Corn too.”
Jerry handed Kevin some plastic bags. Rampart and his host then selected the produce they wanted from the stall and gave it to Jerry to weigh. As Kevin fished out his money to pay, Jerry remembered something.
“Oh! Before you fellas skedaddle, I got something to show you, Kevin.” Jerry reached into his jeans pocket and produced a single golden coin in his hand. “Take a gander at that,” he said. “This is what we’re gettin’ paid in! Equestrian bits. This is almost pure gold!” He grinned and bit down on the edge of the coin, showing it to Kevin once more. “Look at that: bite marks! And I hardly bit down at all! This’ll be nice to have once it finally comes time to convert. I don’t know how far a bit goes in Equestria, but I like the idea of me ‘n Millicent being able to retire after all this is done.”
Kevin stiffened a bit. “We’re gonna lose you, Mr. Trossbach?” He tried to keep the strain out of his voice as he counted out the price of the vegetables. “When?”
“Probably when we can’t no longer safely stay at the farm,” said Jerry. “Seems as good a time as any. So, probably a while yet.
“And don’t say ‘lose’ like that!” he grumbled. “Seesh, you’re makin’ it sound like I’ll be dyin’ or something.”
“I can’t imagine Their Royal Highnesses would be anything less than generous with compensation for willingly changing the way you do business while still human,” said Rampart. “I’m confident that you’ll be quite comfortable in Equestria with your earnings, Jerry.”
Jerry smiled as he accepted Kevin’s money. “Well, that’s something I don’t mind hearing right there,” he said. “Thanks much and enjoy. Come again!” Kevin and Rampart both waved as they walked away, with Kevin holding the plastic bags of vegetables.
“I guess it’s salads all around tonight,” said Kevin. “Do you have salad dressing in Equestria?”
Rampart gave a haughty scoff. “Hah, are you kidding? We have it elevated to an art form. Why, the right dressing can completely transform any combination of edible plant you’d care to name!”
Kevin got busy challenging Rampart to pair various human-style salads with Equestrian dressings as they purchased the rest of the ingredients they needed. By the time they got to the end of the market strip, Kevin had two full bags in each hand and Rampart had pitched in, carrying one in his mouth.
“There’s one last stop I’ve got to make,” said Kevin, “and it’s right at the corner here. One more food group I need for myself.”
Rampart looked up at the faded sign “Corner Liquors” hanging above a recessed door directly on the corner of the building facing the intersection. The windows were covered in sun-bleached advertisements for various beers and spirits, with names completely alien and nonsensical to him. He couldn’t guess at what anything shown must have tasted like, much less how some of it was made or from what. The black wrought-iron bars over the windows complemented the neglected ads rather well, he reasoned.
“Coming in?” asked Kevin from the doorway. Rampart snapped out of it and realized he’d been hesitating on the sidewalk.
“Oh, uh, no, I’ll just stay out here, if that’s all right,” the unicorn said.
Kevin shrugged. “Suit yourself. I’ll just be a minute.” He turned and disappeared inside.
While the cashier rang up his Sailor Jerry’s and a two-liter of Coke, Kevin watched the ancient 19-inch tube TV above the cigarette rack. The volume was turned down a bit, but he could hear the anchor talking over establishing shots of Boston with the card
Real Estate Crash in Boston & NYC
Residents, Businesses Already Fleeing East Coast
along the bottom.
“Hell of a thing, ain’t it?” Kevin said absently to the clerk, not looking away from the TV. The clerk made a noncommittal grunt in reply and gave Kevin his amount owed.
Once back outside, with his purchase in a brown paper bag under his arm, Kevin nodded to Rampart with a smile on his face.
“Okay,” he said, “now that I know I’m not gonna go thirsty, let’s get back.”
Rampart regarded the brown bag for a moment before giving an uneasy smile and a slight nod.
* * *
Kevin noticed that Rampart was much more practiced at sitting in human chairs than Samantha had been.
Shelly set a wooden salad bowl on the table before the pony and sat down with her own bowl across from him. Once the three of them were settled, they dug in, eating in silence for a few awkward moments.
Kevin decided to break the ice. “Shel,” he began around a mouthful of lettuce and shredded cheese, “did you know old man Trossbach and his wife have decided to go pony?”
“They have?” said Shelly. She looked down at her salad and stabbed it morosely with a fork. “Aw. Well, good for them, but… I’m gonna miss them.”
Rampart laughed. “I don’t think he’d want to hear you saying that, Shel,” he said. “He told Kevin he made it sound like he was dying!”
She giggled and looked to Kevin, who smiled sheepishly in confirmation. “Yep, he said that all right.”
“You needn’t worry,” Rampart went on with a smile. “You’ll be able to visit them as much as you like once you go to Equestria yourselves.”
Kevin’s hand whitened around the fork and he ran his tongue along his teeth. Rampart quietly cleared his throat and looked away, his smile gone. Shelly, reading the mood, patted her brother’s hand.
“I’m sorry,” said Kevin. “It’s my own issues, I know that. Sam was right when she said it’s nobody’s fault, but… I can’t understand why people would throw themselves at that Barrier already.”
Shelly sighed. “Kevin—”
“I mean we don’t know what’s gonna happen! Maybe it’ll stop growing, maybe it’ll start shrinking! What if people get stuck here as ponies, huh? What if native ponies get stuck here away from Equestria? Like...” He chuckled once. “L-like how much do we really know, right? It’s not unreasonable to worry about stuff like that, is it?” He looked to Rampart for affirmation.
The pale red unicorn raised his eyebrows and stammered over his salad, his eyes unwilling to make contact with Kevin’s. “I, uh… what can I say, really? Their Royal Highnesses are confident that the Barrier will continue to grow and human scientists have collaborated with them on the development of the conversion agent, no small undertaking itself. As a loyal subject of the Crown and a Royal Guardspony, I can do no less than trust them absolutely. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t have volunteered to come here to your world.”
Kevin shook his head slowly. “All I see when I look at that Barrier is how it killed over three thousand people just like that. I don’t know how I’m gonna get past that and trust anything to do with it, but...”
He trailed off. Then his brow knit and he looked up again, at Rampart. “That’s right,” he said, “you mentioned you were here on royal business. What royal business is there at UNL?”
Rampart let out a breath. Here went nothing. “I’m a headhunter,” he said. “There’s a Conversion Bureau due to open in Lincoln and I’m approaching students nearing the end of their education about either moving to work in the Bureau after graduation or possibly converting and then bringing their unique human-style talents and education to Equestria.”
“So Princess Celestia’s not only getting the farmers dancing to her tune, she’s also trying to induce brain-drain in human societies,” said Kevin, trying to keep calm. “She’s sounding better and better. I can see why you trust her so much.”
Rampart’s ears drooped. Shelly pulled her hand away from Kevin and glared at him.
“Kev, that’s not fair,” she said. “You asked and Rampart answered truthfully.”
“Why can’t you ponies just leave us alone?” asked Kevin. “I don’t mean ‘ponies get out,’ I mean just present us with the choice to convert and then leave it at that. Don’t you realize that the more you actively push people to convert, the harder it’s going to make life for the rest of us? At what point does it stop being politicking and start being the kind of stuff the PER does?”
“I’d say around the time we just start splattering potion everywhere,” said Rampart, a bit of chill in his voice. “Nothing being done is illegal; the princesses have been very careful not to overstep their bounds on this side of the Barrier. We’re injecting money and value into your economies and we’re opening up new opportunities for your best and brightest to consider pursuing. It’s all choice, none of it is edict or mandated.”
“It’s just the way things are now, huh?” said Kevin.
Rampart nodded. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, Kevin, but yes, it’s the way our worlds are going. Things are changing over in Equestria too, because of this, and I’m sure there are many ponies who feel the same way you do, just in the other direction.”
“Speaking of other ponies,” said Shelly, “I want to invite Stanza to stay here for a while. She’ll need a place after the dorms close up and I think Kevin could do with a bit more conversation with ponies to help him work through his stuff.”
“Fine,” said Kevin with a wave of his hand, “I don’t care, we’ve got room, just don’t blame me if I drive her off somehow. I seem to be good at that.”
“Stanza is one of the other volunteers at the university,” explained Rampart. “She’s native too, and she’s got her head screwed on straight, don’t you worry. If anypony can help you warm up to the way things are going, Kevin, she can.”
“All right,” said Kevin. “She’s welcome to try. I don’t think I could do it on my own.”
The conversation died with that, and they finished the rest of their salads quietly. Afterwards, Shelly took Rampart to see a movie and Kevin went upstairs to get better acquainted with the finer points of combining rum and Coke.
His record improved slightly; that night, he made it all the way into bed.
