Fallout Equestria: Mindless

Mindless

Prologue

Have you ever thought about killing yourself? Well I did. Many times. If you’re just so done with your life. You don’t know what to do. You haven’t found your destiny yet. Your destiny. Your fate. What do you do? Live your life, like it comes to you? Just like, living on? Is that worth it?
Have you ever thought about doing something to yourself? Like hurting? Anything really weird? Do you feel like there is just one thing, that must happen and you would bug out? That you wouldn’t abide by the rules anymore. The social, as well as any other. That you would abandon everything you ever believed in?

What if there was no one, who cared about you? If there would be no one, who cared for what you do, if you live or die? If you’re fine or not? Would you live on? Would your will to live be stronger or weaker?

What if everypony would abandon you? If there is not a single pony you could go to? What would you do? Would you despite all that go on and live an ordinary life?

A life without communality. Without affiliation. Without love. Without friends.

You live, because you live. You were born and you have to eat, because if not, you die. Drink, because if not, you die. You have to carry on.

But that’s all about your physical constitution. What about your mind? Your…soul? How do you nourish your soul? Do you get used to some specific things, when you are born and grow up?

A foal that is well provided for will feel different than a foal that gets neglected and only gets the bare necessities to live. Food. Just as much attention, so that it doesn’t cause any trouble. Yet still those foals are the ones, who achieve more on their own when they are older. Without any help from their parents. Who would have cared for you and made sure, that they made your life the best you could get in their eyes.

But what about if you didn’t deserve it?

Do you sometimes feel betrayed, because you feel well and you think of how bad some ponies feel? And you can’t do anything about it? You don’t have the courage to wish for feeling as bad as they do for once. Because it’s unfamiliar.

But just imagine. You get abandoned by everypony. You have to work really hard to keep yourself alive. Get all the necessities to live. You don’t have many possibilities to have fun or peace. You only live to work and to nourish yourself. To get your basics.

Is that life? Do we live, just to keep ourselves alive? Is that the purpose? If that is the purpose then someone didn’t deliberate.

Sometimes I wonder what happens to me. It seems that I have unnatural luck. I never was really much into religion, but I believe that everypony has a meaning for their life. If you figure it out or not, that’s uncertain. But there are things that are supposed to happen or not. But where is our freedom of choice? How does it get along with that? If we really want to achieve something and we go out of our way to do it, who says that it wasn’t expected from us to do that? What if it was expected, that you don’t give up?

And just like, your decision to defy gets a brick in the construction plan of your life again.

Good ponies have a harder time than bad ponies. But what does bad mean? How can you separate that? It’s subjective, so you can’t!

For me bad ponies are ponies, who show no respect or conscience. But even those ponies can learn. And show remorse. Whereby I have heard that remorse is the worst kind of pain. Because its pain, which doesn’t have its origin in your brain, but in your heart. And no painkiller can mend that.

You have to accept it. And so it happens, that ponies go mad through pain and transform into exactly those bad ponies, who are bad in their eyes. And like that the Good decays. The good ponies become bad ones or can’t distinguish it anymore. They’re lost in their minds. But isn’t it possible, that bad ponies can become good ones, too? Why not? If you survive the pain of remorse and you become aware of what you have done or how you did behave, can’t you change for the better and maybe atone for all you have done?

But if it were really, really bad things, you did. I’m not sure about that. Taking another ponies life. That is something I can‘t imagine. You just have to think about it once. A life. To get up every day, eat something, have fun, work, love, go out with friends, listen to music, enjoy the sunlight, go swimming, fly.
Somepony can never do all of that again. Because of you.

If you grasp that, how can you live with yourself? Is there salvation or redemption or something else?

I, for my part, think would go mad and deny everything, invent a new truth, a new world, where it didn’t happen. A new reality, in which are just beautiful things. Or I would take my own life to see, how it is. Just like that. Plain radical.

What now, if you don’t have any friends, who would care for you. No beloved ones. No beautiful things in your life. You would lose all that. Wouldn’t that be fair?

And aren’t those ponies doing injustice if they would try to stop me?

What are they trying to achieve? You as a pony don’t want to live anymore, and they’re trying to stop you? They keep you alive? Why? For themselves? It’s your life after all. You can do with it whatever you want, right?

But then, there is this question again. Can you abandon your beloved friends and family? If you imagine, what they would feel, if you’d end your own life?
If you have ever lost a beloved pony, you know what that is causing to someponys life. Can you do that to somebody, or would you rather live and bear the guilt for the sake of your friends?

And isn’t it even the greater punishment to stay alive and bear it? Thinking of it every day and to regret, until you accept it? But you will never forget. It’s always the bad things that burn themselves in your mind. Feelings like fear. Pain. Guilt.

***********************

Now what should I do? I was at a loss. My life felt numb. I felt numb. My body. My mind. Everything. I looked around. The corpse of 36 a couple of feet next to me. My friends were moving. Much too fast for me to follow their movements. It felt like my brain slowed down, just so I could trace every little detail. Some snapped hairs in the fur of 21. The scratches in the face of 17. How deep they had cut into his flesh. And how barely he escaped death.
Was it because of that, that he got into the clinic? Did this experience throw him off the track? Did this suck him out of his ordinary life? Whereas. What means ordinary? They looked at me and looked at the corpse. Back to me. They didn’t realize what happened. They tried to talk to me. But I couldn’t hear anything. Well I could hear it. But my brain didn’t want to translate those sounds. We were outside. The facility behind me. In front some huge rocks. A little trail led into the hills. I knew what we had to do. But I couldn’t think of anything. The emotions rushed down on me and everything shut down. I was trapped in my body. My friends moved in front and when they looked back, they saw that I didn’t move an inch. 17 came back and gave me a little nudge, but all it did, was that my body set my forehoof a step in front and remained there. It stopped again. So he started pushing me. Lightly. I wanted to move. But my body wouldn’t let me. My brain was too stressed. I wondered why. I was just thinking. It felt like my brain needed all the energy, so it couldn’t control my body. But it moved. I was moving. Maybe reflexive or by habit, my body started moving. I was surprised, that I didn’t just fall over. I was frightened. How was that possible? I didn’t feel my body but still it was moving. Out of the corner of my eye I saw 17 still pushing me. But it wasn’t even necessary. I was moving on my own. Just that I couldn’t control it. Wait a minute. Where were they taking me? I didn’t want to go away from him. Don’t. No. Stop. STOP!

But as much as I screamed, or at least I thought I did, my mouth remained closed. I inhaled and exhaled calmly. In my brain there was a hurricane. I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t. It was my fault, he died. I wanted to stay with him until I made my last breath. But my friends didn’t let me. And I couldn’t command my body to stop. I was still moving.

We reached a point, where we were before. I could remember that. But why? What was so special about a place, which looked exactly the same as all the others up here? Why I was remembering that point so well was beyond my knowledge. But with that thunderstorm in my brain right now, I couldn’t even spell the word. I recognized a little poke at my chest. I bumped straight into 21. Seemed that they couldn’t stop my body without me walking straight into something bigger and heavier. I was standing again. Motionless. Blinking. Reflexively, because my eyes were pretty wet. No. Wait. My eyes were wet the whole time.

There was a little itch on my cheeks. A familiar one. I was crying. The tears were streaming down until they reached my chin and fell down to the ground. How did I not recognize it? I was crying since I saw 36’s body. And it didn’t want to stop. What really made me wonder was that I didn’t really feel sad. Just numb. I didn’t feel anything. Just astonishment.
I wondered what was happening right now. Why did my friends transport me here? And I mean transport. I didn’t walk on my own. Or did I? Why was I crying? You cry, because you’re sad. I felt inside my body. No, I didn’t feel sad. But I felt something different. And I recognized that feeling. Rage. I was furious because I was desperate. Rage, because I couldn’t do anything. Rage, because my body was crying and I didn’t know…well what did I know?

There I started realizing. Like I always did, when I didn’t understand something, I started from the beginning and put every little brick onto the other, because it was the easiest way to understand it. But it wasn’t hard, was it? It was my fault that one of my friends died. He was dead, because of me. He was gone. Somewhere. Somewhere, where we couldn’t go. And we would never see him again. Never. We left him behind, no wait, I left him behind. Alone. In nowhere. And there I grasped why I was angry. I was angry, because I was sad. But my rage was so immense, that it overshadowed every other feeling. I was sad, because I was desperate. My body cried, my mind didn’t. I was desperate, because I … wanted to help. But I wasn’t able to. I couldn’t help him anymore. Not now, because he was…No. NO!

And there I regained control of my body, just to break down while waves of desperation came over me. I screamed as if I had pain. I wanted to have pain. Physical pain, which would still be better than this. Mental pain. I curled up and started swaying back and forth. I cried and sobbed. A lot. I was barely able to breathe. I could just suck in enough air to start sobbing again. Why didn’t they abandon me, like I did abandon him? Why were they caring for me? It was not fair! “Leave me…alone. I…don’t want this…anymore. Make it stop. P..Please!”

I heard how someone was quickly coming closer and called my name. There was fear in her voice.

It was 21. She stopped and got closer slowly, while she repeated my name quietly and sadly. I felt how she pulled me up and embraced me in a hug carefully. Then she was holding me, while I was crying into her fur. She started singing quietly and stroked my head.

Her voice and her embrace were like a syringe full of painkillers for my heart, but I couldn’t stop sobbing and whimpering.

17 was standing next to us and watched us sadly. His ears were hanging and he too was crying silently. In his mouth he had 36’s scarf and he placed it on top of 21 and me, like a blanket. The sight of his scarf made me sob more but I clinged to it like it was 36 himself. It was a memory. Like he was.

The Wasteland is gruesome.

*******************

I awoke that abruptly, that I thrusted my head. Where am I? Somepony had screamed. Who am I? It sounded very close. How did you get here? Maybe it was some of the other ponies around me. But it seemed like they were fast asleep. Did they have the same confusing dreams as me? But it didn’t feel like a dream. What I just experienced felt more like a memory. Although the content of the dream…of the memory still caused a stitch in my heart I was happy, that I could remember something. I decided to ask the doctor about it in the morning. No. Wrong! “Focus, 16, focus! It wasn’t real. It happens every night, you know that. Now get yourself together!” I listened to my voice and started to calm down. Breathe deeply. In. And out. In…and…

Steps. I felt dizzy. Did I fell asleep again? Steps, coming closer. Somepony was here. But it was so dark, that I couldn’t see anything. I narrowed my eyes and tried to perceive something. At least I tried. Nothing but shadowy schemes, which moved quickly. Suddenly something hit my pod and it threatened to tilt backwards. But it tilted back, just to tilt forwards. The unpleasant feeling of helplessness overwhelmed me and I started screaming. I braced myself against my bonds and tried to catch myself but I couldn’t move my hooves more than a couple of inches away from my body. The surface came closer and closer. I closed my eyes right before the impact. But nothing happened. I opened my eyes. Wide. In front of me was nothing. Just blackness. I screamed even louder. The feeling of falling down choked me and I coughed. The pod began to spin. And I was still falling into that big black hole of blackness. I was overwhelmed by horror and threw up, while my heart was pounding faster and faster. Faster than ever before. I fell. And screamed. “16?” Everything stopped.

The feelings I experienced vanished at a moment’s notice. Everything but the horror, but I could breathe freely. The stench of my vomit made it unpleasant. But nevertheless I was released to be on a solid surface again. “16?” Again that voice. “Are you alright?” I didn’t answer. I tried to remain in control of my heart and my breathing. “It was just a dream, just a dream. It wasn’t real. Calm down. Everything is okay. You’re fine.”

“Doesn’t seem like it to me.” said the concerned voice. “I will send for the doctor.” The doctor? Why? Apart from my panic attack I felt alright. At least better than in some other nights. What the hay was wrong with me? I couldn’t remember. It all started when I was taken here. Dubious psychic state. What was that all about? Everything was fine with me. It was just those dreams. If they were dreams. And not memories? Didn’t I read about it sometime earlier? In a magazine here in the facility. Yeah. I remembered. It explained the symptoms of ponies, who fought in the war. And when they came back, they changed. They were different. A whole different pony. They didn’t recognize their family. They couldn’t sleep. Attacked random ponies, because they thought they were enemies. Spies. Zebra spies. But I hadn’t attacked anypony. Or did I? Did I attack my family? I didn’t want to think about it. I never fought in a war. The war was over. It was years ago. Centuries. There was no war now. Everything there was, was dead, rotting ground, which remained, after the megaspells hit. A nothingness that just wanted to break you, or kill you. Or transform you into one of its terrible monsters. No, I didn’t want to end like that, not like this. If only…”16?”

I jumped. And hit my head again. Again my thoughts carried me away, so I didn’t hear how some ponies were talking directly in front of me. I merely heard him when he raised his voice and spoke to me. I tried to say “Everything’s fine, it was just a nightmare.” But all I could hear myself saying was “thangs fiine, twars jussa nighdmare”. My body was weak. I had enough for tonight. I just wanted to sleep. Without nightmares. Without shadows and death and pain. I closed my eyes. The two ponies in front were still talking to each other. I recognized the doctor by his voice. Strangely distorted. They talked about someone reacting strangely to something. I could barely hear what they were talking about. My brain was already shutting down. I did understand some words. Words like injection, dose and some other medical drivel. Oh. No. Hopefully they weren’t talking about me. Or were they? WERE THEY?

Cold fear afflicted me. It crept from my hooves up my body and it threatened to overwhelm me. Not again, please! I tried to fight it. Tried to calm down. And to my surprise it seemed to work. I slowly calmed down. And it worked. I was calm. I really felt good. Light. I felt light, as if I could fly again. Eventually I could just spread my wings and leave all this. I got sleepy and couldn’t stop my eyes from closing. Wait. There was something wrong. It was too fast and too easy. After all those nightmares and horror scenarios I could just fall asleep? Something was terribly wrong.

Then something clicked in my brain. They REALLY meant me, when they were talking about injections and syringes and all that. But before I could even open my mouth to say something, I fell into a restless, but nightmare-free, sleep.

***************

I felt…different. When I woke up I had a weird taste in my mouth. But other than that I felt fine. Adapted to the circumstances. I was still locked in my stasis pod and bond to my “bed”. Why they locked me in there was pretty clear to me, since some time ago. Other ponies weren’t so “calm” like me, when they had those weird dreams. All I remembered from last night were some minor parts. Shadowy shapes, death and sorrow. Didn’t I want to ask the doctor a question, did I? I concentrated, but it felt like somepony cleaned the board. And he just missed some little parts.

I waited for some of the employees to get me out of the pod. The stench wasn’t making me happy to be in there. Besides something really put pressure on my bladder. It looked like my stomach hadn’t the same endurance like other parts.

As my pod buddies and me were standing in a row in front of our rooms, 17 caught my eye. It seemed like my friend was really happy about something. Really. Happy. He almost couldn’t retain himself and he was grinning the whole time. As soon as possible I decided to ask him what the matter was. But first. The usual morning traditions. Showering, washing, getting dressed. Examination and breakfast. Luna on the moon, I was hungry. After dinner escaped, my stomach was really upset. And he was telling everybody. Vociferous.

Okay let’s see what we get this morning. Oh hey. The usual mash. It tasted like they put everything edible they found in a blender. And everyday they found different things to blend. But with some exceptions it was digestible. I sat between my friends 21 and 17 and we were poking each other playfully. Speaking was forbidden. But I really wanted to know, what made 17 so restless. I acted as if I wanted to reach for the salt and whispered into his ear. “What the hay is wrong with you?” But he just shook his head and looked in the direction of the guards. The guards were really rigorous in the cantina. They didn’t want to take any chances. They already had their hooves full while we had our parole. One chaos in the cantina and we would have to eat in hoofcuffs.

Past breakfast we went to our personal examinations with my doctor. All in all the facility had four doctors. Every one of them was specialized in a different subject. My doc was doctor Hippocampus. His special subject was memories and memory disorders as well as psychic stresses of all types. Although I had this nasty itch on my nostrils, he was really kind and helpful. And it was him, who always gave me extra pills, when I had those terrible headaches. The other doctors were…well they didn’t care. They just said I get the same amount of pills as everypony else and I have to get along with it on my own. Well thanks, jackasses. It wasn’t fair. Hours and hours I was laying in the leisure room and couldn’t do anything. The pounding in my head was so intense, that I thought my head would burst. Every kind of light felt like a knife thrusting into my eyes and poking into my brain. And even the dreams from the night I had already forgotten, came back and I encountered them even when I was awake. Not everypony had the same symptoms. But they treated us objectively. With the exception of my doc. That’s why I was looking forward to his consultations.

Today was different. Something was bothering the doc and he was bad tempered. A guard ushered me in and I sat down on the chair. Doctor Hippocampus was on the other side of the room, reading a file. I looked around. In front of me were his really big table and his comfortable leather chair. For the time he spent working and reading in his room, this accommodation was more than appropriate. After all he was getting pretty old. Well he was already old when I came here the first time. But nonetheless he was one of the smartest ponies Ive ever met. His body meanwhile had some major burdens. He was really slow and moved cautiously as if like every bone would shatter if he would tumble over. He kept surprising me, though. When we were talking about some of my dreams or experiences, I didn’t have to talk much. He always knew what happened like even before I told him everything. He was even able to mention some details, which I had already forgotten. Most of the time my memories of this nights dreams came back there and I even felt the horror return. But the doctor reassured me by explaining what it meant and why I dreamt such things.

Apparently there was something wrong with my brain and I was here, so they could figure out what happened.

Oh. Hey. I just remembered what I wanted to ask him. “Doctor?” I turned around on my chair and looked over the edge of the chair.

He magically closed the file and looked at me, while he stood up and slowly walked towards his chair. “Yes, 16?”

I heard a dull thud everytime his left hindhoof tread on the floor. I turned around and tried to organize my thoughts. I wanted to phrase my question without sounding like a little scared filly. But I really wanted to hear what he had to answer. “Did I … attack my family? Am I here because of that? What is wrong with me?” Before I could stop myself, I blathered all those questions.

I blushed, as he continued to walk towards his chair and sat down with a sigh. I again did it and got on his nerves. Very good, 16. “Doctor. Ehm. Im so…”

“No, it’s quite alright. Everbody asks that question eventually. And it’s easy to answer. No, you didn’t. Your fami…”

I felt so relived that I forgot to continue to listen. So I wasn’t here because of that. All the horror, I went through in the night. It really was just a dream. And I could finally relax properly. I slid down on the chair and exhaled deeply.

“ … so we can look after you and protect you from further damage.” He stopped talking and looked at me. “So, do you have any other questions?”

I didn’t know where to start. “Actually, yes I have. If you that I haven’t attacked my family, why do I have such problems remembering anything that happened before I came here. I don’t even really know why I got here and how. I cant even remember my name.” I frowned. Especially the last thing made me feel sad. When you got here, they gave you a number. You got the number matching your pod you were sleeping in. Pod number 16. I was 16. Simple.

Hippocampus sighed again and started talking. I guessed I know why he looked so concerned. He probably heard and answered those questions many times before. “Your family brought you here, because you have this condition, where you are very confused.” Tell me, doc. “You have those migraine attacks and hallucinations. This condition is especially affecting your brain and it triggers psychic seizures. We gave you a number, because you can orientate yourself towards that and it is easier to remain order in your brain. Names are harder to memorize than numbers. And especially for you, order is most important. You got problems to remember certain events before you came here, because you had psychic attacks, which were untreated. You had migraine attacks and hallucinations, which made it hard for you to differentiate between a dream and the reality, which is the reason for your nightly seizures, while you are sleeping and experiencing dreams, which are part reality and part dream. But this is where Celestia rises the sun. Because differentiating between dream and reality relies on you. We can’t do that for you. Those are your dreams. And it’s your reality. All I can do is to point the direction. And. Because you had hallucinations even before you were here which you were mistaking for the reality, the separation of fiction and reality becomes four times harder.” He waited for my reaction.

My mind was spinning. It was too much and I felt a pang starting in my head. “Headache.” was all I could say and moaned. I covered my eyes with my hooves.

Doctor Hippocampus laughed a sympathetic laugh and offered me some water. “I know, how you feel. But don’t worry, this is excactly why we are here. And we will help you as good as we can.”

I sipped a bit from the water and continued covering my eyes. The light hurt.

“I think you should go see your friends a rest a bit. I guess you had a really exhausting night. We can talk later today.” A sad smile played around the corners of his mouth as he started tipping something into his PipBuck.

I smiled weakly and looked down. He really understood me. Moments later a guard came in and escorted me into the leisure room. 21 was already waiting for me. Seemed like 17 wasn’t done with his consultation. She immediately saw what was going on and offered me her place on the stained sofa. I sat down half-sitting, half-lying and closed my eyes. 21 leaned against me and levitated a magazine in front of her. Together we waited for 17.

*************

We didn’t have to wait long ‘til 17 arrived. As soon as he saw us he started grinning again. Ugh. It started to freak me out. Maybe he went mad after all. That grinning never never ever meant something good. My headache was almost gone. The pills started operating and I had told 21 what happened this night. She told me she had heard the screams, too. But she couldn’t say where they came from. After all all three of us were in different rooms. I was in 1B next to the exam room. 21 was in the room next to me in 2B. 17 was at the other end of the hallway in 7C. Wait. Something crossed my mind. I heard a scream. 17 did, too. I was directly next to the exam room. I didn’t know anything about nightly examinations. What was going on in there? An emergency? Maybe. I didn’t like this.

17 came closer. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of asking what he had in mind so I distracted him with a question. “Hey 17, have you ever heard of nightly examinations? 21 and me thought we heard some screams coming out of the exam room last night.” 21 shot me an angry look. She didn’t say that exactly but I wanted to give him something tangible. Since 17 was the first in here it was more likely he knew something about it.

He came closer still grinning and stopped in front of us. “Guess!” He looked like a little filly, which prepared a surprise party and was close to push me into the room, where it would happen.

“17, I asked you a question.” Silence. He wanted to play the game and wouldn’t let him get distracted. I rolled my eyes. 21 grinned at me. “You first?” I sighed and started guessing.

“Did you steal a dessert from the pantry, again?” From the three of us, 17 was the daredevil. He was as coltish as a colt. He permanently dared us to do this or that. He asked for trouble more often than every other patient in this wing. And most of the time we all had to pay for it. Because 21 and me always had to back him up. But it would be unfair to say he didn’t have the abilities to swipe a deck of cards from a table or taking away my dessert. It didn’t work on 21. She would just do her sad look on him and he wouldn’t just give her her dessert back but his additionally.

“Nope” was all he said. Okay, 21’s turn. “Errrn, did you turn off the warm water again?” Oh. Dirty trick. I remembered. This brought us the worst punishment yet, since he started playing tricks. He really managed to squeeze into the little shaft below the hallways, turned off the warm water valve and got stuck on his way back. 21 and me had to call for help. Of course the guards figured out what we did. Well, more likely what 17 did. We were just keeping a lookout. Still all three of us had to pay for it. Our punishment was to clean the bathrooms. All of them. And worse, neither of us got dessert for a whole week. Much to the regret of 17. It especially hit him very hard. Doc Hippocampus just meant that his punishment would be good for us. We had something else to do, than playing tricks and we had something to focus on. We missed three paroles because of that. One time I had to rest, because I had a migraine attack. But it never lasted very long when I was with my friends.

“Im not taking responsibility for you because of that again, 17. One time was enough.”

Again a really short and simple “Nope”.

My turn again. I didn’t have to think very long. “Did you reprogram Dr. Cortex’s PipBuck again, so it quacks everytime he did a step with his hoof?” Dr. Cortex had an accident and since that, his one hoof was permanently swollen. He spent four solid hours in his room to figure out what made his PipBuck quack. He didn’t even need ten seconds to figure out who did it, though. But luckily Dr. Cortex wasn’t really resentful. All he did was walk past us and let out an annoyed exhale. What we did was to laugh even louder.

For the third time we heard a “Nope”. He looked back to 21. She however was tired and promised him to give him her dessert at lunch, if he would tell us, what made him grin so much.

He looked around to be sure no one was watching or eavesdropping. We got into a huddle. He moved his head closer until his nostrils were close to our ears. He remained there for a couple of seconds and waited for him to finally spill it. The he slightly bit my ear.

I was so startled that I tipped over the couch along with 21 and me sitting on it and we both layed there looking confused. We looked at each other. 17 was laughing so hard, he collapsed. The guards looked at us with concern and came over to help us stand up again. I was so embarrassed and crossed with him that my face turned red. 21 joined 17 and started laughing. Apparently my countenance was enough to make her laugh so hard that she fell over and started rolling on the floor. “Okay, that’s enough!”. I was so moped that I left jokesters on the ground and went to the bathroom. I needed some cold water in my face. As I arrived and saw myself in the mirror, I had to laugh involuntarily. My face was so red it almost matched the color of my mane. I splashed some cold water into my face and calmed down. I heard how the door to the bathroom opened and 21 came in.

She went into a cabin and locked to door. “He is especially funny today, isn’t he?” I could metaphorically hear her smiling as she said this.

“You tell me!” I sighed and was still smiling.

“Don’t be mad, you know him. And besides he told me, that he really found something interesting”. That made me raise my head curiously. I cocked my ears.

“I’m not mad. What is it that he found out?” I asked, while I was staring at the door, 21 was behind.

“He didn’t tell, but he said he will tell us after lunch, after I delivered on my promise.” I could more or less feel how she rolled her eyes. When it came to dessert, 17 became dead serious. You could literally get him to do anything if you promised him a dessert. What we, to be honest, already did occasionally. I shook my head. My friends.

***************

On the second session Doctor Hippocampus was talking about some medical stuff. He told me he had to raise the dose of my medication. The nightly seizures were dangerous for me and they couldn’t answer for me taking any damage from that. He also said that the raising of the dose wouldn’t have a bearing on me. Maybe I will be a bit sleepier because my body had to handle the medicine. I wasn’t afraid. If the medicine would help me getting some more rest at night without nightmares, I would be happy to take it. Besides it would help me getting along with migraine attacks.

“Is there anything else that bothers you, before I can send you to get lunch?” he asked with a smile. For a short time I was shocked. Did he know something? He already amazed me with his unnatural knowdlege about some things. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d knew that 17 found something out. Whatever it was. It made me worry.

As much as I wanted to go eat lunch and hear what 17 wanted to tell us. I really wanted to ask the doc a question. “Doctor? Why is none of my family visiting me? Other patients receive visitors ever so often. Noone has visited me. Ever.” I sadly looked down as I realized what that meant.

21 and 17 received visitors at least once a month. Their different family members visited them alternately and brought photos or talked about how they were doing, what they were doing and other stuff.

“16.” I raised my head and looked at him. “Can you remember anything before you got here?” I rummaged around in my head. It didn’t work. My memories of before the clinic were stored somewhere deep in my brain behind a locked door and I wasn’t able to open it. Something was blocking it. What ever had happened to me?

“No.” I answered sadly.

“Do you know who brought you here?”

I thought I could remember a black and gray colored old stallion.

“Not really.” I looked at him quizzically.

“It was your uncle, who brought you here. He escaped the Pit and …” He was interrupted by a static from the speakers and then we heard a strict voice.

“Doctor Hippocamus to 24A immediately.”

“Doctor Hippocamus to 24A immediately, please.”

I knew what was in that room. It was the office of the head of this wing. What ever this was about, it didn’t make me feel well.
Doctor Hippocampus got up and moved towards the door. “Im sorry, 16, but we have to postpone our consultations today. We’ll talk tomorrow. You can go eat lunch now. There is just something I want to tell you before you leave and please promise that you will remember it forever. Sometimes we experience terrible things. Things, which are so dreadful, that our brain cant process them. In such a specific case our brain has an amazing ability. I can decide to alter the reality. It can create a new reality, which is real for you, but not for anyone else. You virtually fabricate a lie and accept it as the truth. The second thing than can happen is that you don’t accept the truth and suppress it. Your brain is deluding you to protect you. We forget things on purpose. Because those things, those experiences could destroy you. And I don’t mean your physical body. But your mind…your soul. If your soul gets destroyed, there is nothing and noone in this world who can help you.
Protect your soul, 16. It is the most important thing you possess.”

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