Jigsaw Pony

You are Anonymous, Equestria's only human and today you woke up to the sound of music. Elevator music of all things...

You would think in a world where there are individuals with special talents that mark them as the master of their respective art, they would have something better than Elevator music. Maybe the composer's cutey mark symbolizes the mundane? Can a cutey mark symbolizes mastery of abstract concepts? Well, if Princess Cadence's cutey mark represents love, and Princess Twilight's symbolizes boring lectures that make your ears bleed, then I guess why not...

Flailing your arm every which way you attempt to find the snooze button on your radio alarm-clock. After a couple of failed attempts you decide the best course of action is to simple bury your head in your comforter.

Not until you reach past your feet, in search of your comforter and your hand brushes against a metal chain, do the alarms go off in you head.

What is it about kidnapping me do ponies find so interesting!? Do I grant wishes or something?.. What ever... Who could have kidnapped me this time?

Sitting up, you frantically begin looking around. The room appears to be roughly 4 meters by 5 meters. The room's solitary light only illuminates a small circle in the center of the room. With in the shadowy adjacent corner lies a large dark blue pony with wings and a horn.

Luna? The one who can enter dreams? Is this a dream? Did she kidnap me in my own dream? Being kidnapped in my waking hours is stressful enough, but this is ridiculous!

All your cognitive capabilities come to a screeching halt as Luna begins to stir. "Hmm... No more mashed potatoes..." With baited breath you fearfully watch the princess of the night roles out of the shadows onto her back. As she does so, you hear the unmistakable sound of chains rustling.

Your mind is once again running at full capacity, and trying to process this new information. Twilight would not kidnap one of the princesses for any of her experiments. I'm pretty sure a three-way is not Fluttershy’s fetish… even if it is mine. That leaves Jigsaw. Jiggy must be getting ballsy if she is now ponynaping heavy hitters from Canterlot.

"No, Tia. Let me sleep. The day can reign for a couple more hours… Tia?..” Luna leaps to her hooves, and immediately begins to fight against her chains. With each pull and jerk, a pale glow emanates from the chains.

"Whoa! Luna, calm down! I think your chains are enchanted. You wont be able to break free." Even as your words leave your mouth you can tell your warning went unheard. Luna is still thrashing back and forth desperately trying to break free. "Princess Luna, please calm down, before you hurt yourself!"

Eventually her thrashing slows. Breathing heavily she looks to her bonds for the first time. There were four manacles, each attached to one of her legs just above the hooves. You quietly wait as she give one of her front hooves a test kick. Her eyes widen as the chain gives off a subtle blue glow. Slowly her posture changes from that of a panicked cornered animal to that of a dignified princes. “Who's there? What is the meaning of this?”

"Its me," She cant see you, dipshit. Dragging your own restraints, you stepping closer to the light and try again,"Ah... Anon the human… from Ponyville?"

”Anon? Ah! Anonymous, yes, the Element of Magic, Princess Twilight, has written about you to my sister on several occasions.” The last trace of fear and panic melt from her eyes. “Pray tell, why are we here?”

Moving as afar as your binds will let you, you sit on the ground as close to the light as possible, "I’m not sure yet. I think this is one of Jigsaw Pony’s games."

”Jigsaw Pony? Oh, yes! The Element of Magic has made mention of this dastardly villain as well. We were hoping one day to do battle with him. But alas, it appears we may have already lost," Luna mused, while inspecting her chains.

"That's doubtful. Jigsaw is not the type to… battle anyone, sh- he is more of the type to drug you and drag you to his dungeons…" scratching the back of your head you recall your first encounter with Jiggy. He had left a nice plate of fresh baked cookies on your door step. "You didn't eat any pastries or baked goods before waking up here, did you?"

“Why, yes. Our nightly patrols had brought us to the outskirts of Ponyville. We came across a box set at the foot of the statue of Nightmare Moon. It was addressed to myself. Inside was a single cupcake... We do not remember much after that.”

Note to self, write to Celestia and asking her to explain stranger danger to her sister...

”It appears you have had passed experiences with the villain Jigsaw. Does this mean you know the identity of this miscreant?”

"I don’t have proof yet but I believe its-"

Luna's ears twitch and she jerks her head to the side. “Show your self, vile villain!”

You follow her gaze to the wall opposite yours and Luna’s. At first all you can see is a lone toilet, but then you see something in its shadows start to stir.

Is this part of the game? Did Jigsaw include some vicious wild animal as incentive to win? Or is Jiggy finally here to greet me face to face?

A cold sweat works its way down your back as you watch the shadowy figure stretch out towards the dimly lit circle in the center of the room. First a solitary pink hoof emerges from the shadows. Then a pink mane, and finally two sleepy blue eyes. “Good morning Princess! Good morning Nony!”

"Laughter! You gave us such a fright, " exclaimed Luna striking a confident pose. "Given another moment we would have called down a comet to smite thee!”

"I doubt that. Unicorns and alicorns are not allowed to use magic in these games."

Luna turns towards you with a questioning look, "How does this villain enforce such rules?”

You point up towards her horn. She looks up, unable to see her horn in the dim light, she begins to feel it with one of her hooves. ”Duct Tape...” she begins to rub her hooves frantically on the base of her horn. “We told Sister that we should have outlawed this diabolical tool of mischief, but does she listen!”

In the end she manages to only move some of the tape up the base of her horn. Desperately she begins looking around the room for something, before setting her gaze on Pinkie. "Laughter, assist me by removing the tape.” Luna walks as far as her manacles will allow and bows her head down towards Pinkie Pie. Pinkie reaches as far as her own manacles will allow but falls short by several feet.

”Sorry Princess, I think Nony’s right. No cheating during Jigsaw’s game.”

"Pinkie, you can cut the crap." Jumping up to your feet, you stare daggers at the pink menace, "We know you're Jigsaw."

Pinkie slowly turns from Luna to you with the biggest shit eating grin you have ever seen. “But Nony, if I’m Jigsaw then why am I in the game?” lifting up her front two hooves she begins to tap her manacles together.

Luna nods in agreement. “Yes, Laughter makes a good point. Why would Jigsaw risk participating in one of his own games?”

Letting out a defeated sigh, you slumping back down to the cold ground, "What ever. Just remember, I’m keeping an eye on you Pinkie."

Ignoring you, Pinkie begins bounce around the toilet shes chained to. “What kind of game do you think we will have to play? Will it be fun or scary? Oooh! Maybe it will be scary fun! What if-”

Pinkie finally shuts her yap, just as the elevator music comes to a stop and a low quality recording kicks in. “Princess Luna. Ever since returning from your banishment you have gone about your life in a fog. Ignoring every other pony unless absolutely necessary. This has left you with many acquaintances but no friends. The only two ponies you ever confide in are Princess Celestia and your stuffed animal Wubby Bear.”

Luna becomes visibly annoyed at the mention of her stuffed animal. Her ears drop down and she begins staring daggers at the PA speaker on the ceiling.

”What is it that makes you so afraid to make friends? Is it the knowledge that every one you grew up with and everyone you knew before your banishment are gone, and so will any other pony you choose to be close to? I wish to remove this fear from you. No one is allowed to leave this room till you become friends with your cellmates. Either become friends with them or watch them starve to death. The choice is yours.”

There is a moment of silence as the recording ends and the elevator music picks up again.

Pinkie Pie emits a squee as she begins jumping up and down on the toilet lid, “I love making new friends! This is going to be so much fun! I wish I had my party supplies or at least some games to-”

"May I just point out that this would be the first time I have ever seen Jigsaw use a tape-recording to introduce the game." You grumble as you begin stare daggers at Pinkie again. "Its like he's preoccupy or even tied up some where else..."

The pink menace gives you a Cheshire cat smile in return, ”Nony, regardless of what the big meany head is doing, we still have to be come friends with Princess Luna.”

Not breaking eye contact, you continue staring her down, "And how do you propose we do that?"

"By playing games, Silly. Lets play I Spy! I'll go first. I spy with my blue eyes something... Pink!"

Luna gives you a cocked eyebrow look that can only be interpolated as 'Is this bitch serious?' You shrug in reply. Turning back to Pinkie, Luna takes a guess, "Do you spy your self, Laughter?"

"Yup! Princess Luna wins round one!" Pinkie Pie stomping her hooves on the toilet seat in applause. "Now on to round two! I spy with-"

Nope! I have had enough of the pink ones madness for now. "How about we do something else? Like telling jokes?"

"I concur, but with the amendment that we tell riddles instead." You and Pinkie nod in agreement and proceed to let Luna go first. "What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of the end, and the end of every place?"

The room grows silent as you and Pinkie try to process what you just heard. Unfortunately, the only think your mind can focus on at the moment is wither or not you will be required to tell a rhyming riddle on your turn as well...

"Is it a Quasar?" Pinkie calls out.

A what? You bring your attention back to the pink pony and the dark blue alicorn.

"Incorrect. Anonymous the Human, do you have a guess?"

Wait, we're playing with one guess each? This isn't good. Think think think... Its got to be something powerful... Discord? Celestia?... Wait, if I can't win then I might as well go for the brownie points.

"Are you the answer?"

Upon hearing your answer, Luna puffs out her chest and throws head back. "We know many spells and have near limitless power, but not even we can create or destroy all of existence." +100 brownie points to Anon "The correct answer is the letter E"

Luna watches contently as both you and Pinkie silently retell the riddle to yourselves checking the validity of the answer.

"That was a toughie! Princess Luna wins again! I guess that means its Nony's turn."

Not knowing any riddles that rhyme you simply fall back on an old classic you recall from highschool, "What walks on four legs at dawn, on two legs during the day and three legs in the evening?"

Pinkie Pie and Princess Luna turn to each other with a look of confusion. Its several minutes before Pinkie takes her guess, "Is it Berry Punch and her daily cycle of sobriety?"

Your forced to hold back your laugh. You do not know if the princess would approve of you laughing at some pony's alcohol problem, "Sorry Pinkie, wrong again. Luna do you have a guess?"

"Is it an ill Blogle rat?"

"Sorry Luna, your incorrect as well. The answer is man."

”Man?” both mares parrot in confusion.

"Well, I guess I mean humans-"

Luna grunts in disapproval, “If that's true, then Magic's anatomy reports on you have been severally lacking.”

"Its a metaphor for human life. In the dawn of our lives we, humans, crawl on all fours as infants. During the day of our lives we walk upright as adults. And at the evening of our lives we walk with a cane as the elderly."

Pinkie looks at you as though you have said the most deep and awe-inspiring thing ever. Luna on the other hand has curled up into a ball facing away from every one else. “And at night of your lives you, humans, die.”

Warning bells go off in your head. This is the friendless Princess of the night with severe self esteem issues, and you pretty much just said she was the living analogy of death. Jigsaw is not going to like this.

Brain, its time for damage control. I know you can do this. If you can bullshit your way through twelfth grade English Literature, then you can bullshit your way out of this.

"You miss understand, Princess. The night does not represent death. To humans, it represents... eh... hope! Unlike the day that comes and goes, the night sky is always there... to... help and comfort us in our times of need. Every celestial body, from the North start that guiding us home, to the stars we named after our loved ones."

You watch cautiously as the princess of the night slowly lifts her head and cranes her neck to face you. You now have her full attention. The frown she wears tells you shes still upset, but the look in her eyes tells you there still is hope to salvage this crap show.

Ok, Brain, we have been spreading it pretty thick. Lets not add any more bull on to the pile, and just wrap it up. Maybe something really cheesy and corny.

"Princess Luna, I think I speak for every human when I say, 'Thank you for being their in our times of need.'" You watch with bated breath, looking for any sigh that she bought it. Eventually a single tear rolls down her cheek... and past a smile. The stupid pony princess bought it! I'm going to get out of here!

”You could not know how long I have been waiting to hear such words. I-”

”End of side one. Please turn tape over.”

Luna lets out a full hearty chuckle at the unexpected interruption, while Pinkie sheepishly giggles to her self. As nonchalantly as possible, Pinkie reaches over the lever on the toilet and flushes it. Soon after Jigsaws Erie voice comes over the PA system once again. ”Princess Luna, today you made two new friends. If you keep them close, and let them help open your heart, then maybe you wont need my special brand of help ever again.”

After the recording ends the room fills with the sound of metallic click as each of your bindings fall off, and a panel on the ceiling fall revealing a pull-down staircase.

Without saying a word you and Pinkie follow Princess Luna as she march up the stairs. At the top of the stairs you find fresh air and a starry sky.

Pinkie sits down next to a tree and looks up at the sky. After you help removed the duct tape from Luna's horn the two of you join Pinkie beside the tree. With a smirk, Luna's Horn begins to glow. Soon after a meteor shower begins to fill the night sky.

”Ah, guys my tail is twitching...”

Who cares, I got better things to think about. Like this awesome show Luna is putting on. Or that one really big meteor. … Is it getting closer? You loose your current train of though as Pinkie slams into you, pushing you down behind Luna. Before you get a chance to tell her off, there is a ground shaking explosion.

With a satisfied grunt Luna stands up and stretches her wings. “Our job her is done. Good night Laughter. Good night Anonymous, the human.” With out another word she takes off into the night sky, leaving you and Pinkie to stair at the crater where the dungeon once laid.

"Is that why you, pretended to be one of the victims this time?" you ask Pinkie, still staring in awe at Luna's handiwork.

Pinkie shook her head before replying, ”What makes you so sure I'm Jigsaw?”

"You and Jiggy are the one ones who call me Nony..."

With a smile she stands up and starts to walk back to town. You survey the destruction a little longer before turning to join her.