Author's Note

I don't expect any one to believe me, but I swear I first started to write this before Fallout 4 was announced....

p.s. Sorry, not sorry, for the toilet humor.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack [Gross]

Be Anon, Equestria's only human. Today you just woke up in some type of space capsule. Sadly this is not that unusual for you.

After doing some stretches in the limited space, you finally decide its time to take a look through the capsule's viewing window and find out who is responsible for your space age imprisonment this time. Swearing to the almighty Floating Spaghetti Monster, if its Yellow Quiet or Purple Smart again your going to burn down their respective houses this time.

Out side the capsule, you are able to make out a second smaller capsule across the room leaning against a dull metal wall, and in between on the concrete floor is a sleeping Applejack.

Kidnapping and crude prison like atmosphere, this must be the work of Jigsaw. About once a week since arriving here in Equestria, you have been kidnapped by the 'dreaded' Jigsaw Pony. His real identity is a mystery, but rumor has it that his cutie mark is a thousand screaming ponies locked in an endless maze. Personally, you figure its a jigsaw or something just as stupid.

Well, its about time to get this game started. "Applejack!" you yell while kicking the inside of the capsule, "Wake up!"

A cyan face appears in the window of the smaller capsule across the room. "Hey, Anon, didn't expect to see you here!" called Rainbow Dash.

"Who were you expect to see?"

"I don't know. A changeling or two? Maybe Twilight running one of her cloning experiments?" replied Dash, waiving a hoof dismissively in the air. "Wait! you're not a clone, are you? Because I have rules about talking to clones..."

"I'm pretty sure I'm the original Anon. Besides this looks like one of Jigsaw's games, not Twilight's secret basement lab."

"What? Jigsaw?" yawned the orange sleepy mare. "It should be next to the toolbox in the..." trailing off Applejack, as she slowly scans the room taking in the scenery. "Ah, dang-it! Twilight, I don't remember signing any consent forms regarding any-"

"Tssshhhh" screeched the speakers mounted above each capsule. "Hello, Applejack. Your work at the orchard has consumed your life. You let all your relationships with your friends and family fall at the wayside. I would like to remind you how important and fleeting these relationships are."

"Hold on now! That ain't true! Dash and ah meet up once every week for a friendly competition. We even had one this mornin'. "

"Regardless, " dismissed the unmistakable voice of the Jigsaw Pony. "Two of your friends are now being held in air tight cryostasis chambers."

"Cryostatis chambers? You ponies haven't even invented the telephone yet. Where the hell did these come from?"

"They were just sitting here in this old bomb-shelter. Anyhoo! Applejack, these chambers have been modified to slowly dispense a toxin. In five minutes the toxin will build up and your friends will receive a full does of hair remover! Fortunately you should have enough time to save one of your friends from their hairless fate. By dooming one of your friends maybe you will start to fully appreciate your other relationships."

"You're making me choose between my friends!" yelled the farm pony with a stomp of her hoof. "That's a low down trick if ah ever heard one. Ah'm thinking ah'll just refuse to choose!"

"Yeah, AJ you tell him! Besides, I bet I will look damn good flying around in the buff," bragged the pegasus as she struck a confident pose in her capsule.

"Uhm... Rainbow Dash, what will hair remover do to your wing feathers?"

"I... ah... I don't know..." Dash's smirk quickly dropped from her face. Pushing her face up to the glass she cried, "Applejack! You gotta get me out of here! I can't spend the next couple weeks without my flight feathers. All my stuff is up in my house!"

"Nope! Sorry, Sugar Cube, ah made up my mind. Ah don't want to choose one of you over the other. It ain't fair, to the other."

"You can't do this to me! I need my feathers. I don't know what I will do if I can't fly! Besides Anon is a hairless mutant space monkey. He already look dumb, he wont mind losing a little more hair."

"I prefer the term 'human'," you reply. Making sure to blatantly glaring at the 'element of loyalty' before turning your attention to Applejack. "She's right, Applejack. You need to get her out of there quickly. I promise not to be made or hold it against you that you chose her over me."

Applejack looked from one stasis capsule to the other. "You really promise?"

After you give her a single nod, she turns her attention to Dash's capsule. With speed and determination that you have only seen during Zap Apple season, she began bucking the outer shell of Dash's capsule. You watch in amazement as she breaks plastic, dents metal, and dislodges what you can only presume to be a locking mechanisms.

Your view through the small window becomes obscured as the air in your stasis chamber start to be come cloudy. Soon after your skin start to tingle all over. It reminds you of that one time Fluttershy though ants might be your fetish...

A rapping sound from the foggy viewing port pulls you back to reality. Looking through the window you can barley make out a cyan blue blob extending its hoof out in front of the window. It takes a second but you quickly realize Rainbow Dash is trying to give you a thumbs up without thumbs...

Returning the gesture, you begin to feel clumps of hair roll down the back of your neck, while one manly tear begins rolling down your face.

As the air continues to fill with the greyish smoke, you begin to find your self taking deeper and deeper breaths. With each intake of air you find your self more and more out of breath.

What is supposed to happen next? All my hair has already fallen out. Shouldn't the chamber open or at the least start venting out this gas?

You must have looked as panicked as you felt, because Rainbow Dash has disappeared from the window, and a series of dull thuds can now be heard emanating from the base of the capsule.

There is a ringing in your ear now that is starting to drowned out the rhythmical sound of hoofs clashing on metal. Darkness is creeping in from the corners of your vision.

With a click and a hiss the door to the stasis chamber swings open.

Falling onto your hands and knees you greedily gasp for fresh air.

An orange hoof starts to gently massage the space between your shoulder blades, "That was a close one. Ah thought we were going to loose you for sure."

"Me... to..." you reply between breaths. "I think that's the first time I have ever feared for my life during one of Jigsaw's games."

"Tsssshhh!" screeched the PA system. "Applejack, today you almost lost a friend. I hope you now understand how important all of your friendships are. Remember that once you leave... BUCK ME!"

The three of you simply stare at the now silent PA system. After a bit the two mares exchange a worried look before turning towards you.

"Don't look at me! I don't know what the hell's going on either." This game has had a lot of first for you. Cryostasis chambers, poison gas and near death experiences, and now what ever this is...

A moment later the PA system sparks back to life. "I know this is rather unprofessional of me, but it appears I left the keys to the door at home today. I'm super duper sorry about this. I will be back in two wags of the little baby lambs wiggly tail!"

With that the room goes silent once again. The three of you just sit there taking in what was just said. You do not know if you should be laughing or crying. In either case you are pretty sure this is going to be one of those stories you cannot help but tell everyone after you have had a little too much cider.

The silence is eventual broken by a gurgling sound. Instantly Rainbow Dash wraps her hooves around her stomach.

"Hungry?" you ask quizzically.

Beads of sweat start to form on her forehead as she hastily looks around the room, "It's not food going in that I'm worried about."

Applejack's jaw drops open, "Sweet Celestia, you gotta be kidding me."

"What's going on?" you ask turning from one mare to the other.

Rainbow Dash looks to be in physical pain as she trots in a small circle looking for something, "Remember the weekly completion AJ and I have each week?"

"Yeah... What of them?"

The pain stricken pegasus limps over your now vacant stasis chamber leaving you and the yellow farm pony alone. "Prune juice drinkin' competition," replied Applejack.

"What?

Applejack turns to you with a sad but serious look on her face, "The completion we has this morning was a drinking competition, but with both of us having work later today we decided to hold off on cider. The only other thing we had in the fridge was Granny Smith's prune juice-"

As if on cue Applejack was interrupted by a sound that would give Eldritch horrors nightmares. Clearing her throat, the yellow mare nodded to the stasis chamber. "Dashy won."

Awkwardly you and Applejack start looking around the room aimlessly trying to take your minds off of the sounds emanating from the makeshift port-a-john. Then the muse starts to sing to you as you look down at your shoes. With speed you never new your hands could maintain you unlace and remove your shoes.

Applejack notices your hast and follows you over to the occupied stasis chamber. With a puzzled look she watches as you jam your shoes under the door to the stasis chamber. "What are ya doin'?"

"Saving the two of us," you reply. "We can't let her out or the whole room will wreak till Jigsaw gets back."

You finish just in time to hear a loud thud, and see the chamber shake slightly. Soon after Rainbow Dash appears in the viewing port covering her nose. "Guys the doors stuck. Guys?"

Applejack shakes her head before turning to you, "Sorry, Anon. Ah hate to burst your bubble but this room is going to be even more unpleasant if ah don't get my turn in there... Ah was a close second in the prune juice drinkin' competition."

It's official. I hate all of you ponies...

With a heavy sigh you brace the door with one hand and remove your shoes with the other. "On the count of three Applejack is going to run in, and I want Dash to fly out. I don't want the door open any longer than needed."

Rainbow Dash nods vigorously.

"Ready? 1... 2... 3!"

As you open the door, you watch as a rainbow blur flies over and behind Applejack, and a brown blur flows out the bottom of the chamber. Applejack who was ready to run in, now reals back in horror.

Seeing that your plan has failed you cut your losses and slam the door shut and flee to the farthest corner of the makeshift dungeon. Unfortunately its too late, the smell is everywhere now. Dropping to your knees you vomit uncontrollably. From the sound of it, Applejack has decided to join you in this newly found fun activity.

Your head start to swim and the darkness starts to creep once again into the corners of your vision.

Thank you, Flying Spaghetti Monster, for blessing me with unconsciousness and/or death.

Before fully embracing the darkness, you hear another round of the most unholy of sounds, followed by Rainbow Dash's cries of horror. "Oh, sweet Celestia! Applejack, aim the other way!"