I'll tell you how I became the father of FILLY RAINBOW DASH
I look back down to my photo album, turning to the page after our most recent photo. The pages are blank. I still have a lot of life ahead of me, and I plan to make the best of it.
So I walked over to my computer and begin to type out all that has happened in the past fifteen years. It feels weird, writing in present tense. I would often slip into past tense out of habit, but I awkwardly switched back to fix my mistakes.
While Dashie was growing up, The Hunger Games was released, setting an array of poorly constructed present tense stories flooding the literature market. It has been defined as the change in technological and cultural development that was the most impact in half a decade. I don't own an iPhone 42, so I cannot confirm this, but I suppose that statement is right.
Nothing has changed. I go to bed, sleep and wait for tomorrow.
I wake up. I move out of bed. I brushed my teeth. I eat breakfast. I narrate everything.
I check my email... and discover... after a huge amount of forced tension... something extremely unsettling. It turns out that I managed to somehow upload my story and submitted it to... the past.
Yes, the story with filly Rainbow Dash was submitted to Equestira Daily... in late 2011. How did I even?
I check my Google++++. Yup, Google still owns the Internet. Really strange day. Does my computer have the ability to manipulate the past? I look through my email inbox.
26th Oct 2011 (1 day ago).
I type and send an email to myself.
30th February 2026 (Today)
Something really weird is happening. I hear the whizzing and crackling of a magic portal opening behind me.
How do I know it is a magic portal? It is not due to the fact that one had opened in front of my yesterday, when Celestia took away my filly Rainbow Dash from me. No. It is because of a fact so confidential and and secretive that I do not consider it important enough to discuss right now.
I look through the portal with the same emotion often expressed by HiE protagonists. Absolute, irrational cowardliness. I need to have a flaw so I will not be a Mary Sue character.
You think I will describe the wormhole in my living room in greater detail, how it tosses my chairs and tables all around. What color it is. All sorts of good, juicy detail. However, I am going to assume you are familiar with purple portals by now, so just imagine it for yourselves. Maybe write your own story. I had just woke up; I do not feel like thinking up a description.
I expect ponies to fly out of the portal, like what that had happened yesterday, but I feel disappointing to meet a teenager in a suit instead. He says something really quickly, describing his dilemma in the more logical format of a present tense story. I am filled with such envy, at how his story is much more fluid, that I consider switching tenses right away.
"Are you, erm —" the youth checks his iPhone 42, or at least I think the small space between his thumb and index finger is the phone. It is that tiny. "—ROBCakeran43?"
"Yes, I am, though my personality seems to change overnight," I says.
"You mean seemed to have changed, sir?"
"I know what I mean." The teenager gives an annoyed grunt. I asks him who he is.
"I am RainbowBob and we have to save Equestira!" he says. It is at this point I decides to accept everything without much explanation. I am just tired.
So I go with him into the portal, excited and all. Maybe I could meet Dashie again and creep her out by saying that I am her father. I am in the mist of imaging the situation when Mr. RainbowBob interrupted my daydream.
"See, I told Sergeant Sprinkles that we should have picked up... someone other than him! He is like some class-A pervert or something." I throw a glare at Mr. RainbowBob.
"Okay! Okay! Fine, you can come with us. However, we probably won't be touching Rainbow Dash." he added the last part solely to mock me.
I join Mr. RainbowBob in his time machine which I swore was a portal less then five minutes ago. I have burning questions to ask. It is at this point in the story where I would list down the questions I've asked and the answers I've received to allow the plot to be conceivable and conceivable to anyone reading my thoughts. I, however, really want to see adult Rainbow Dash.
Too bad. You won't even know what we are doing or why we are here. I don't feel like telling you as I am rushing through the plot.
After a lot of important plot essential information and discussion happened, and even a scene where Sergeant Sprinkles kidnapped Pinkie Pie solely for irony purposes, we got to the climax of this story. I like to be very vague in my stories, and this is no exception.
However, today I do not feel like being all emotional and stuff because I really wasn't in the mood.
"Look, it's finally the end man!" Rainbow Bob cheered. I do not know his real name but I feel like I've known him all my life. "All we have to do is proofread this story."
The story. It was up to us to edit it, clearly. We had to edit the main plot of this adventure. What are we supposed to do again? Ah right! There are a couple of red maned OCs and stuff getting married to the mane six, and we have to do something about it.
Why? How? I don't know. RainbowBob didn't explain why we were meddling in this universe in the first place, I just went with the flow. I forgot to ask that question.
"So... why is this so important?" I ask.
"Writing isn't about why! It's about why not!"
It was at this point I decided to just give up writing in present tense, went to write in past tense like a normal bloody person and went to bed. I am tired, I really do not want to bother anymore. Maybe someone will read this in the future or whatever.
In order to allow this story to hit the public, however, I had to include Sergeant Sprinkle's sacrifice.
See, it all began when we had to acquire the quilt. It was supposed to allow us to edit this version of Equestira. However, in the deepest ruins of the Everfree forest. This was not the Everfree forest, it was the ruins.
In this story, Twilight became an alicorn. One of the most terrifying prospects thinkable. It was never explained why she was an alicorn, leading me to conclude that we hit the deepest realm of poorly written stories (not unlike this one).
We convinced her to give us the quilt in exchange with Sergeant Sprinkles, who was too busy being inactive to notice his betrayal. She agreed, stating that she needed a human heart to make a health potion or something.
=-=-=
RainbowBob trembled as he read Rob's story. He clearly rushed through, trying to get it finished over quality. There were inconsistent tenses, a lack of any real story or even proper sentence structure. He didn't even describe our adventure in detail or characterized anyone.
It was perfect. It was the whole plan. Now he just needed to upload it to the site and watch as the universe would unfold. The less detail, the less constructive — and therefore less believable — it would be. Rainbow read through it, over and over.
He looked behind his shoulder to see Rob asleep at the corner. We must have woke him up when he was really tired. I gave a slight smile at our accomplishment.
All that had to be done was to upload this story. If all goes according to plan, we would have won. As long as this story is any amount more popular than the one they were in.
It was all just a strive for attention, really. A bad idea so poorly executed. It was the entire point.
Rob is a genius.
