Caw-Caw, Motherf-----s.

Caw-Caw, Motherf-----s

Ch. 2 - Her Majesty the Nerd, and Her Entourage

"Come on, Davey, you're sooo slow!" Pinkie said, continuing to drag the half-floating pegasus boy down the street. "You'd think not having your hind legs would make you move quicker or be lighter or something, but you're still a massive slowpoke!"

"Should I be offended by that little comment?" Davesprite asked, allowing himself to be pulled hither and thither by the crazy pink mare. "On second thought, never mind. How much farther do we have to walk until we get to your horse friend people, anyway?"

"Not much farther!" she said, turning her head almost completely around, continuing her rather impossible-looking bounce-trot thing in the process. How she did any of this was all way beyond Davesprite's comprehension at this point. "They're all waiting for me at Sugarcube Corner!"

"Sugar... cube... Corner? Oh, right, I get it. You're horses, and horses eat sugar cubes sometimes. This place is just chock full of horse puns, isn't it?" he asked, looking around the small village town as they continued on. "Why are they waiting for you, anyway? Like, all in one place? Did you guys already have something planned for today or what?"

"Yup! They're all there waiting for us to show up so we can throw you your 'Welcome to Ponyville' party!" Pinkie replied, beaming.

"My what?" Davesprite inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Your 'Welcome to Ponyville' party! I told you that I was Ponyville's premier party planner, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. Like, twelve friggin' minutes ago. There is no way you could have put together a party specifically for me in that time frame, because you were right here the whole time. And how would your friends have even known?"

"Oh, pssh, silly!" Pinkie laughed loudly, stopping to over-exaggeratedly wipe nonexistent tears from her eyes. "The party wasn't for you before now! I'm just gonna make it be for you! I was just throwing a 'Happy Tuesday' party, but now I have an even better reason to celebrate! I made a cool new friend today, after all!"

"Uh, alrighty then," Davesprite said, quirking an eyebrow of his own. "Y'know, you're really throwing me off, calling me 'cool,' and actually meaning it. At least, I'm pretty sure you mean it. You don't seem like the pers--er, pony to utilize sarcasm too often, to be honest."

"Sometimes! But not when I say you're cool! I really do think you're cool!" the other pony said, stopping to turn and face the orange pegasus. She had an ever-so-slighly hurt look on her face. "You do believe me, right? You don't think I'm just being mean and messing with you?" she asked, her big blue eyes sparkling like she had hopped straight out of some kawaii desu anime or something of the sort.

Davesprite blinked. "Um. No, I don't think that at all. Especially not now. Hey, uh. Don't look all upset. I've known you for all of fifteen minutes and I already know that I don't like seeing you upset. Let's just keep going until we get to that Sugarcube Central or whatever it was called so we can meet up with your friends, alright?"

Pinkie's face brightened up again and she giggled, "Oh, we don't have to worry about doing that. We're already here!" she exclaimed, motioning to the building in front of them.

Davesprite blinked rapidly at the odd structure before him. "Um. Pinkie? You do realize that's a giant f------ gingerbread house, don't you?"

"Well, duh, of course it is! On the outside, anyway. Living in a real gingerbread house wouldn't be very safe at all! It'd be tasty, but then you wouldn't have a house anymore. Anyway, what were you even expecting it to look like?"

"Um, y'know what? I'm really not sure. Maybe I imagined it to be some kind of big white box? I mean, 'Sugar Cubes' are white cube things, so... ugh, never mind, I need to learn to stop assuming s--- here. Especially since I keep friggin' skipping beats like some sort of shattered vinyl over here."

"That weird, super sensitive hearing of yours acting up again? You should get that checked out," Pinkie suggested, giggling. "Let's go in now! I'm sure everypony would love to meet you!"

"Right. Sure they will. After you, I suppose," Davesprite stated, motioning to the front door with his ar--han--hoof.

"Aww, you're such a gentlecolt!" she said, giggling again as she bounced into the building.

"Gentlecolt?" he murmured to himself. "Guess that one makes sense," he decided, walk/floating into the store behind the tuft of pink, bubbly nonsense.

"Hey, girls!" Pinkie called to the other ponies gathered in the store. "I made a new friend today!"

Davesprite had a feeling that the "girls" could already tell. Six pairs of eyes were suddenly locked on him, and six mouths gaped open in shock. He was pretty much used to this reaction by this point, but he wasn't used to the ones looking so shocked also being weird animal things with human-like characteristics.

"Yo," he greeted flatly, waving a hoof at the group of mares.

Instantly, one of the ponies; specifically the pale yellow pony with green eyes, pink hair, and wings; squealed and leaped behind the counter, her tail visibly quivering in fright, along with the rest of her expertly hidden form. The others weren't especially shaken at this, and only continued to stare. After a few moments, Davesprite suddenly noticed that one of the pairs of eyes seemed a little too close to the ground. Upon further examination, they appeared to belong to a small, purple being with green spikes on his head.

"Hey. Little dude," Davesprite called to the small figure, lowering his shades with a hoof. "Are you a dragon?"

"Um, well, yeah," the reptilian child replied, fidgeting a little. "I'm a dragon."

Davesprite placed his shades back over his eyes and smiled widely, chuckling. "Dude, that's sick as h---. I didn't know this place had dragons. Next you guys are gonna be telling me you've got Cerberus tied up with a leash in the backyard."

"Pfft, don't be silly!" Pinkie said, casually pouring herself a glass of punch. "Cerberus is back in Tartarus, duh!"

Davesprite's smile was instantaneously replaced by a confused frown. "Whoa, wait, hold the f-----' phone. Tartarus? You guys have the Ancient Greek version of Hell? And Cerberus is actually there, guarding it?!" he asked, very obviously alarmed. "I mean, for the love of god, I was joking!"

Pinkie Pie only laughed harder as her orange companion's voice began to crack. The others in the room still seemed a little completely paralyzed, but one of them soon found her voice.

"You look... absolutely horrible," said the white unicorn with the fancy purple hair, grimacing at Davesprite as if he were a pile of dirty laundry.

"Wow. That was a little bit rude," he replied, feigning offense.

"Oh, no, no, that's not what I meant... completely, anyway," she said, walking over to him, more than a little cautiously. "I mean, well... darling, you look like you just got mauled by a manticore, to put it rather bluntly," she finished, focusing on his torn left wing.

"Manticores, too? Man, this place has everything! But no, that's not what happened. I sort of got in a sword fight with some chess dude and he just kinda chopped the useless thing right off. Hurt like a motherf-----, but it hasn't really had much else of an impact on m--"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" the light blue/cyan/whatever, winged pony with the sick rainbow hair interjected. "What do you mean, 'hasn't had any effect on you?' You lost one of your wings! I mean, I'm not even really sure what that means for you, considering you don't even have any back legs, which is really creepy, just saying, but it's still terrible! I mean, if I lost one of my wings and couldn't fly anymore, I don't know what I'd do!" she yelled, waving her forelegs around randomly, only stopping to motion to her wings when they were mentioned.

"Well, I don't really need mine to fly. At least I usually don't? I can just sort of float wherever I want anyway, so they're mostly just there to make me look cool and get in my way a lot when I do stuff. To be frank with you, I'm honestly kind of glad I only have to deal with one. I mean, the dried blood feels a bit weird sometimes, but you get used to it after a while."

"Dried blood?" said the buttercream pony from behind her safety counter. "Is that what all of that, um, yellow stuff is?" she asked, motioning to the yellow on his wing, left foreleg, and waist bandage.

He nodded in reply. "Don't ask me why it's yellow, I haven't the slightest clue," he added, looking over the dried liquid with a sour look on his face.

"So wait, yer sayin' that all this happened to ya because you were in some sorta sword fight? Now why in the hay did you go and do somethin' so incredibly stupid in the first place?" the orange pony questioned in a vaguely Southern accent. Davesprite decided not to question why ponies could be Southern, as that would probably have just ended up being a huge waste of his time.

"Oh yeah, y'know what, you got me, Tennessee. I really wanted to engage some f------ evil black chess guy in mortal combat and get one of my dumba-- wings chopped right the f--- off of my g------ body!" he snapped, glaring intensely at the orange mare. "And I really wanted to lose my--" he began, but abruptly cut himself off. "Whatever, it doesn't even matter. Forget I said anything."

The faces of the six mares and the small dragon quickly went from shock to momentary fear and then settled on concern. They all shared a variety of glances, and then the purple pony walked slowly up to the orange pegasus, a gentle look on her face. Unlike the other ponies, this one was about his height, which he guessed was a little bit taller than most female ponies, and she had both a unicorn horn and a pair of wings. Davesprite got the strange feeling that she was supposed to be important.

"Look, Applejack didn't mean to imply anything. She's just concerned is all. We all are. It definitely sounds like you've been through a lot... even though it also doesn't really make any sense. You actually don't even seem to make any sense. Oh, whoops, shoot, I didn't mean to say that out loud!" she said, blushing and clearing her throat, glancing around awkwardly.

"... Nah, it's fine. I really don't make that much sense. I mean, hey, even where I'm from I don't make any sense. But hey, that's the joy of being me. So what about you? Why do you get all the extra attachments?" Davesprite asked, eager to change the subject.

"Huh? Oh, you mean these?" the other pony replied, flapping her wings and looking up at her forehead.

"No, I mean that extra leg growing out of your stomach, obviously. Yes, I mean the wings and the horn. Why do you get both?"

"I told you before!" Pinkie Pie's voice called as she hopped into view. "She's a Princess!"

"Yeah, and being a princess means that you get to have magic and you get to fly! Twilight's not exactly the best flying buddy, though. She can be kinda slow from time to time. You know, that 'time' being 'always,'" Rainbow Hair chimed in, grinning smugly.

"I think she just looks absolutely fabulous this way!" Pearly White added, giving her Princess friend an affectionate little nuzzle, eliciting a small gag from Davesprite. "Her wings are simply gorgeous, are they not?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure," he agreed, rolling his eyes stealthily behind his shades. "So this is supposed to be some kind of party, right?" he asked, looking around at all the decorations and balloons and whatnot.

"Supposed to be?!" Pinkie shouted angrily from somewhere behind him.

"I'm starvin', and I could really go for some sweets or somethin'. Ooh, and I know this is probably a dumb question since you're all horses and horses like apples a bunch, but er, is there any apple juice in this place?"