Caw-Caw, Motherf-----s.

Caw-Caw, Motherf-----s

Ch. 3 - The Party at the Corner

"Hot d---, A.J.! Apple farm or no apple farm, this is the greatest, well, er... A.J. I've ever had!" Davesprite said in an oddly out-of-character tone, clinking his glass with Applejack's. He had been talking to her nonstop since she had given him the glorious little drink, being such an addict of the stuff. Of course the conversation had begun with something along the lines of "how in the f--- did I even pick this up?", but it had soon evolved into an actual discussion sort of thing. They went through the motions, making sure to introduce themselves, and were currently in the middle of talking about their jobs and hobbies.

"Aw shucks, 'Sprite. 'm pleased to hear that ya like it so much. Us Apples do try to use the best of the best to make our apple juice, apple cider, and er, y'know, other assorted apple products, heheh."

"You Apples? Wait, wait, so what, does everyone... don't look at me like that, I'm not gonna start saying 'every pony,' have the word 'apple' in their name?" he asked, taking another swig from his glass. "Because that's almost too cliche to even make sense."

"Nah, not everypony," Applejack replied, rolling her eyes at the pegasus ghost guys's odd distaste for the use of such an everyday word. "Only about, say, forty, maybe fifty percent of 'em?"

"Incredible," he said, shaking his head slowly.

"So what about your family? Ya haven't really talked about 'em, well, at all yet. Wait, y'know what, don't tell me. They're all as sarcastic and loudmouthed as you are, right?" she joked, lightly punching him on the shoulder.

Davesprite's tiny smirk lapsed for a second as he thought about his family, but he decided not to go into the full story. Instead he went with: "Welp, I'm not really sure about my parents, since I didn't really know them too well, but I always did have my Bro. He's a pretty cool guy. Cooler than dumb ol' me, that's for sure. His sunglasses were even more ridiculous than mine. Yeah, yeah, you laugh like you don't believe me, I know that's hard to believe. His were literally triangular, though. There were two polygons stuck  like glue to the front of his face twenty-four/seven, it was amazing. I, uh, haven't seen him in a while though. Few years, maybe. He had to go off and fight for some 'greater cause' or something, so I haven't talked to him in a while."

"Hahah, he sure sounds like a swell guy," Applejack said, "and 'm sure that he'll be right happy to see you again, whenever th' time comes."

"Hah, yeah. I'll be happy to see him too," came the pegasus' ever-so-slightly hollow reply as he downed the rest of his juice. "Anyway, this has been a fun chat and all, and I actually do mean that, but I kind of want to go introduce myself to the others. That is what Pinks over there brought me here to do, after all."

"I understand," she said, tipping her hat. "It's been nice meetin' ya, Dave Sprite."

"You too."

The orange pegasus began to walk over to one of the other groups of ponies that had formed, this one made up of the white unicorn chick and the blue pegasus. "Yo!" he said, waving one hoof, not breaking a step.

"How in the hay do you even walk?" came the pegasus's blunt question.

"Eh, it's kind of like crawling. Which I suppose you guys don't know too much about since you're, y'know, always on all fours. I'm used to just floating while 'standing' upright, but I guess I have to hold up the front half of this body with my weird foreleg things. I do get what you mean, though, the fact that my tail still just kind of floats off the ground and replaces my legs, or, er, my 'hind' legs is weird."

"I understood about twenty percent of what you just said," the pegasus replied, her eyes half-lidded and unimpressed.

"And I feel like that's some sort of ancient reference," D.S. replied flatly, turning to the white unicorn. "So where's your half of the interrogation?"

"I wasn't interrogating you!"

"Oh, well, I didn't want to say anything that you might consider rude or offensive," the unicorn explained. "Unlike some ponies, I actually have some sort of understanding of the concept of 'manners', and I don't go around shooting unpleasant questions at anything that moves."

"Oh come on, Mother Theresa, you must have some sort of question or concern. I mean, given the looks you've been shooting my half-wing and my gut throughout this little chat alone, you're itching to get me all clean and gussied up to use me as some kind of model or something. And yes, I do know I'm just that attractive, but please, I'm not a model, the camera just turned on by itself."

"Ah... what?" the unicorn asked. "I'm dreadfully sorry, but I didn't really follow that last part. What about a camera?"

"Don't worry about it, I was breaking the rules and getting all meta again. It's one of my numerous character flaws, and I've considered working on it. So what's your name again?"

"Oh, well, alright? My name is Rarity, and I am the most fabulous pony you'll meet in this town. Or, well this shop, anyway," she stated, giving her hair a dramatic flip at the word "fabulous."

"Hey, what about me?" the pegasus asked, zipping over to her friend's side, squinting at D.S. "You didn't ask me for my name!"

"Huh, I wonder why I would ever do anything so incredibly stupid? Rarity, do you know how I could have possibly forgotten to ask The Winged Wondress over there for her name?" the orange pony/bird/ghost inquired, liquefied sarcasm practically dripping off his every word.

"Hah hah. Very funny," the pegasus shot back. "I've never heard sarcasm before."

"Sarcasm? What's sarcasm? It sounds like a horrible, horrible disease. Yo Rare', is this sarcasm thing contagious?"

"Oh! Uh, yes it is. Extremely," Rarity replied with a solemn nod, though the obvious little smile on her face made it sort of obvious that she was just enjoying the show. "You should... pfft... be wary...ffeheh... I hear it's, ahahem, an airborne virus."

"Wow, that sounds terrifying," Davesprite replied, now turning to the pegasus with a horrified look. "Are you saying you're infected with sarcasm? Oh boy. It's always the good that go young. I'll be sure to write you a beautiful rap eulogy, and I'll even throw in some sick beats to go along with it. The bass drop will bring tears to their eyes and pain to their ribs. It'll be awesome."

"Wow," the blue pony said, the expression on her face incredulous. "When you make a joke, you really stick with it, don't you? Anyway, since you're obviously not going to ask for my name, I'm just going to give it to you."

"Amazing. It's like all of my secret wishes are being fulfilled," D.S. replied smugly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. The name's Dash. Rainbow Dash, to be precise!" she said, spreading her wings and striking a pose as if she were flexing her biceps.

"Wow. So you're blue, have a word in your name that relates to the concept of being fast, and you even introduced yourself in reverse. I don't even care if that's your name, I'm just gonna call you 'Sonic the Hedgehog' from now on, because you're essentially the same person."

"Wh--? I am not a hedgehog! Is this another one of those stupid, uh, mecha joke things you were talking about?" she asked in utter confusion, her wings and foreleg dropping to the ground like rocks.

"Not exactly. That was more of a straight-up allusion to a character-slash-concept that doesn't even exist here," D.S. said, feeling a little twang of joy seeing Rarity giggle like a schoolgirl out of the corner of his eye. He liked making other people laugh, but he hadn't made anyone laugh that hard in a long time. "But I was mostly just yanking your metaphorical chain."

"Ugh" Rainbow groaned, rubbing her temples with her hooves. "Pinkie was right, you really are better at not making any sense than she is."

"I'll take that as a compliment, if you don't mind."

"Take it however you want," she said, rolling her eyes. "Rarity, are you just going to keep standing there and laughing at me like I'm some lame contestant on 'Equestria's Got Talent', or are you going to like, talk or something?"

"Whoa, whoa," D.S. interrupted, erupting in his own fit of laughter. "'Equestria's Got Talent?' Oh my god, you have got to be kidding me. That's hilarious!"

"I don't get it," Dash said, casting a sideways glance to Rarity.

"Me neither, Rainbow," Rarity said, wiping a tear out of the corner of her eye and shrugging. "But he seems to be enjoying his little moment, so it's probably best not to ask."

A few moments later, Pinkie Pie bounced happily over to the table, closely followed by Applejack. "Sooo, how are you all getting along with Davey, huh?" the pink pony asked, grinning widely.

"I guess yer gettin' along pretty well, judgin' by how often somepony over here's been doubled over in laughter," Applejack chimed in, directing her gaze at a still-tittering Davesprite. "Speakin' of which, what's yer tail doin'?"

"My tail?" he asked, turning his head to look at the ghostly attachment. It appeared to be doing something akin to what a snake would do when coaxed by a snake charmer's music. "Uh. That's actually a pretty good question, t.b.h."

"Tee bee aytch?" Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow at Davesprite's casual use of Internet slang.

"Oh, uh, sorry. 'To be honest.' Basically I have no idea what this dumb thing is doing. It kind of has a mind of its own."

"That's strange," a new voice said, the one which D.S. recognized as belonging to the purple pega/corn princess pony. "You really have no control over it? Not even a little?"

"Well," he began, rolling his tongue over in his mouth as he tried to recall any case of absolute control over his tail in the three or more years it had been a part of his being. "I can usually move it a little, but I can't like, whip the whole thing like it's a third ar--er, uh, third le--er, fifth leg? Ugh, whatever, you get what I mean. I can't move the whole thing at once is what I'm saying. Never have been able to. But right now I'm pretty much at its mercy right at the point where the bandages end."

"How odd," the purple princess said, mostly to herself. "Hey, Fluttershy!" she called, turning to face the pale yellow pegasus who had evidently emerged from the safety of the shop's counter some time ago. "Can you come look at Dave Sprite's tail for a second?"

"Wh-what?!" the soft-spoken pony squeaked. "But I'm n-not a pony expert or anything! I-i-it's not like he's a bunny like Angel or a c-cat like Opalescence! H-how could I possibly know what to do?" she stammered, hiding behind her long, pink hair.

D.S. could immediately tell that this "Fluttershy" did not like meeting new peopl--er, ponies. Or meeting anything. Ever. Apparently, though, she liked animals. He could use this to coax her to check him out, even though he was about as convinced she would know what to do as she was.

"Well, if it helps, I'm not really a hundred percent pony, if that wasn't obvious enough. I'm also part crow. See all the extra feathers where, like, you and Sonic over there don't have any? Crow feathers. And, forgive me for staring, but those butterflies on your 'Talent Tattoo' or whatever it's called and what you just said make it sound like you're good with animals. I'm not sure if bird/hu--pony hybrids count, but maybe you could take a look, if only for a second?" he asked, attempting to be as gentle as physically possible. He wasn't exactly used to dealing with such introverted personalities.

She hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "Okay Twilight, Dave Sprite. I'll take a look at your t-tail."

"Thanks. Just watch out, I don't know if it's squirming around quick enough to hurt you, but let's just err on the side of caution. I mean, I figured you were gonna do that anyway, but... y'know what, I'm just gonna stop talking now. Do your thing, um... Fluttershy, was it?"

"Mm-hmm," she replied, nodding as she carefully approached the wriggling appendage. "I'll do my best to avoid making you uncomfortable."

"Wow, that was actually kind of weird," Rainbow said from off to the side. "I don't think I've heard him go this long without being snarky yet."

"Oh, do relax. You've known him for all of what, fifteen, twenty minutes tops, Rainbow Dash," Rarity said. "I'm sure he can go for at least a few minutes at a time without ruffling your feathers."

"I dunno, he seemed like he was having a lot of fun when he was doing that!" Pinkie added, still beaming like the afternoon sun.

"I'm gonna hafta agree on that one. Seemed like he was gettin' a real kick outta seein' Rainbow so bothered by his harmless little jokes."

"He called me a hedgehog! Supersonic the Hedgehog, or something like that? What's that all about?"

"He also said he was just yankin' yer chain, Dash."

"Dashie doesn't have any chains, Applejack! How could he have been yanking her chain if she doesn't even have a chain?"

"Pinkie, dear, I don't think she was referring to an actual chain. Dave Sprite did say, and I quote, 'yanking your metaphorical chain,' after all."

"Girls!" the purple one called, instantly silencing the other four. "Fluttershy is trying to concentrate!"

"Sorry, Twilight," they chanted in unison.

"Oh, Twilight, thank you, but it's quite alright," Fluttershy mumbled, concentrating on Davesprite's tail. "I don't think there's anything I can do here. All I can tell you is that it seems to have stopped. It's also very... odd-feeling."

"Try being on this end of it," D.S. said, still looking at his now-still tail. "The f--- was that all about, anyway? Are my Sprite Senses tingling or something?"

"Sprite Senses?! You have those?! Oh my gosh, I wonder if they work like my Pinkie Senses! Wait, no, they can't. Your tail was twitching, but mine wasn't. Well, at least we don't have to worry about any falling pianos!" Pinkie chirped excitedly.

"I thought we agreed not to talk about the piano thing, Pinkie," came the pony known as "Twilight's" exasperated reply. "But that is something to think about. Perhaps you do have some sort of unnatural ability that causes your tail to twitch when something specific happens?"

"It wasn't really twitching," D.S. said, swinging what he could of his tail to position it behind himself. "It was more, like... seizing? Yeah, that's it. Seizing."

"I didn't know tails could have seiz--" Pinkie began, before a set of orange hooves of two different hues were shoved unceremoniously into mouth, stopping her from talking.

"I'm just gonna assume this is a thing you have to do a lot?" D.S. asked.

"Yep," Applejack relied, nodding curtly. "Least twice a day, if not more."

"Hey, Dave Sprite?" Twilight asked, walking up beside him, looking him square in the shades. "I'm sorry for asking this of you so suddenly, but I'd really like to study your unique body structure back at my house. You could make for a very interesting report to The Princess!"

D.S. quirked an eyebrow. "'The Princess?' I thought you were 'The Princess.'"

"Oh, heavens no. I don't even actually rule over anything. Hopefully I won't have to even consider doing that for a long time. I don't think I could ever handle that much responsibility."

"C'est la vie, non?" Davesprite asked, laughing a little. "Responsibility's a b----."

"Oui, it really is," she replied. "So what do you say? You want to help me learn something new?"

The orange pegasus was floored for a moment. Not only had the pony replied in French, (which he guessed was probably an actual language here for some reason) but she also almost seemed to actually acknowledge his cursing. He was intrigued. "Y'know what? Sure, I'm game. I'm all up for making scientific leaps and whatnot. Hey, maybe you'll jump ahead a few hundred years technologically by studying my clusterf----- genome."

"We'll see."

"Wait, does that mean you two are leaving?" Pinkie asked, her ears drooping and pointing backwards.

"I'm afraid so, chica," the orange male replied. "Science waits for no pon--oh, s---, now you've all got me doing that. But this was actually kind of nice. I guess I can buy your story about you being the so-called 'premier party planner' around these parts. I'll be sure to make the next one."

Her huge smile returned and she laughed. "I'll be sure to get you your invitation!"

A few minutes later, after a host of goodbyes and a bit of completely unprovoked sobbing a la Pinkie Pie, Davesprite and Twilight began to head off in the direction of Twilight's home.