Long long ago... (but some time passed since our last 'long long ago')

"Hwæt bist þū?” I heard a husky voice say in confusion.
I spun around. There was a blue pony with a green mane right in front of me. It wore chainmail, an anglo-saxon helmet, and a sword on its back. It had a perplexed look on its face.

'Oh, how cute! A fucked up figment of my imagination, but still cute,’ I thought.

"Boda þý naman!" The armor clad pony demanded.

'What did you s–'
"BLOOD, BLOOD,BLOOOOD, BLOOD, BLOOOOOOOD!" I screamed. The pony jumped back, drawing its sword. Looking down the street, I saw a nother group of five guards, who turned their heads towards the commotion.

"Cwele him!" the first pony screamed, pointing his sword at me. I did the only sane thing possible. I turned around and ran as fast as possible.

I was nearing the edge of the market.

Suddenly one of the armored horses jumped out from behind a cart filled with carrots.

It pointed its sword at my throat.

I swung my axe at it without slowing down.

The axe embedded itself deep in its skull and grey matter.

'Oh my fucking god! I axed a pony to death!What the hell am I thinking?! I could have just ran around it! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEHEEHEEHEEEEE?!” My thoughts resembled my room, right before my mom came back from a week long vacation — complete chaos.

"SHHHHHHHHH quuiieettttttttt..." My less sane self said in a raspy whisper. The fact that I just said that didn't lessen my panic. Running down small alleys, I neared the edge of the village.

After a few seconds of panicked running in between bouts of mad laughter I found myself out in the open. I dared to take a peek over my shoulder.

'Hey! They're falling back!,’ I thought victoriously to myself. My joy was suddenly force fed its own muscular tissue when I saw several small black lines arch through the night sky. A feeling of dread pierced my madness as they seemed to sink towards me in slow motion.
‘Archers… fuck my life. Dodge! I'm so dead!' And I run, jumped, and sidestepped towards a forest in the distance.

Three arrows missed me by a centimetre,and even more were on their way. Despite all this, a maniacal smile found its way onto my face. Only ten steps were left, until I would be safe. Yeah, then came Murphy and fucked shit over.

Pain spiked through my left shoulder blade. I stumbled, but never slowed down. I’m not a smart man, and I used said shoulder to 'stop' against a tree. I was sent sprawling through the oaks, and II stood up shakily and ran deeper into the woods.

I knew that getting away from this city was crucial for survival. And I acted accordingly. I kept going like Forest Gump.

The first thing I did, after I got away a bit further, was pulling that damn arrow out. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I stayed conscious!I came across a stream that was leading away from the city and decided to follow it.

I heard a scream in the distance. I sped up my step and followed the voice. It was leading me to a clearing. I stopped in my tracks.

Right there were two chained ponies being led by weird bipedal dog things. And not just normal ponies, oh, no, one had wings, the other a horn.
One of the dogs making up the rear took a long step and kicked the pony with wings, cackling cruelly. My fist clenched my axe.

The pony landed on its face several meters in front of the group. It lifted itself up and sat down on its haunches, like a cat, and started sniffling.

'Wat... God, it's crying!' I threw a glance at the dogs. 'You don't hit kittens. Bitch, not with me.' My axe started buzzing. I gave it no mind.
I took some steps back, inhaling a lot of air. 'I hope you have an assault plunger, cause shit's bout to hit the fan.'
They were now right in front of me. I started running.

I jumped, and they turned their heads towards me. I brought my axe down splitting a dog’s head in two. I kicked him in the face, ripping his loose corpse from my weapon. I swung my axe in a wide horizontal arc, slicing open the belly of another dog, leaving everything there to fall out. I felt something impact my back, and it forced me to take a step forwards. I spun around, to find, guess what, another filthy dog growling at me.

'What the hell is dripping down his... claw... oh. Oh. OH. FUCK!' I thought, looking at the slick red liquid coating his claw.

Something impacted my head, forcing me to belly flop. I rolled left like a sausage, and stood up. All three orcs growled menacingly at me.

'Pull it! Twist it! Bop it! Fuck it!'

"I'd love to gut you and draw with your intestines all day!" I growled.

I had an idea., and I grinned under my mask. My arm with the axe-saw moved behind my head, and I started chuckling as if somebody told me a joke It lashed forward, and I let the axe free of my grip to whomever was unlucky to be in it’s way. Another head grew an unnecessary extra maw. The two orcs stood frozen still, trying to process what happened, I jumped forward and wrenched the axe out, giggling all the while. That got them going. My axe paid the chest cavity of the left orc a visit. The other one sunk his teeth into my shoulder.

Quickly thinking, I jumped onto it’s back.

Pain overflowed me.

I rolled off the orc.

I noticed that a nice chunk of my shoulder was missing.

I didn't feel fear. Neither anger or sadness. I felt a kind of glee, that little children experience on Christmas. But my presents were already here. A train full of death and massacre. It terrifyingly pleased me. It pleasantly terrified me. Or at least my body experienced that.

Me, I felt exactly the same and it confused me.

I lifted my axe over my head and brought it down onto my opponent, and it screamed a beautiful song of blood for me.

I took a look at the last of my enemies. Three were none. I lifted myself off the ground. Time to deal with ridiculous amounts of cute.

'Wait. I killed somebody. I am a murderer. Take a deep... Fuck deep breaths. Imma gonna go panic. I'm–'

Present time... (It's not my birthday.)

The ground was closing in faster than anticipated. I realized that landing spread eagle would be very painful. My reaction was rather subconscious. I swung my arms around like a windmill until I was legs down, head up.

'Geronimo!'

"CRIPPLINGLY CARNAGING CRETIN!"

I braced myself for the impact.

I breached the surface with a nice, fat, wet, smack. It hurt like a bitch. I was being dragged deeper under water by the force hammering from above. I started moving forwards, swimming with long, strong strokes. Slowly the force began to recede. Two more swings and I reached the surface.

I looked around. After a small strip of beach began a forest.

'Aww hail yeah!' I thought and set off looking for my old home. I stopped and chuckled to myself. I didn’t have a home.

'I should take a look around Equestria.' I thought as I vanished into the bushes with a devilish grin.

Over the last two thousand years the woods didn't change that much. Trees, trees, trees, trees and bushes. I kept walking for hours, the sun having long passed its apex. The trees started thinning out as I was nearing the edge. Gotten out of the woods I had only one thought.

'Yup, I'll get diabeetus.'

The city, wait, village, by modern standards, looked like it ws from a fairytale. The houses were brightly colored and ponies everywhere were smiling. And on the other side of the field was me. And I was about to enter said town and raid the library. Yay.
And I started rambling. I would be pulling more attention to me than before. As if an ancient 'God of hate' wouldn't be drawing a lot attention anyway.

"Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now.Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now..." You get the gist. If not, you shouldn't be reading this. You should go see your doctor.

I turned around and started looking for something to do. After wandering around aimlessly for several hours the sun hid behind the horizon. No, I was wandering aimlessly. The sun went to the west.

I walked out of the forest. The city itself was even bright during the night. I reached the edge of the city.

Pink.

Author's Note

All hail CitrusFizz! The one and only pre-reader!
Bow to him, for he is our Lord and Savior!